Work Text:
A distinct, sheer glimmer caught his attention.
He wouldn’t have noticed, habitually. The floor of his basement had been covered with music sheets, scattered clothes and unwashed cutlery for the past few weeks.
It was only when he decided to at least, at least, pick up his university books and a shattered glass, that he spotted a silvery ear ring.
His heartbeat halted for a moment at the unexpected discovery.
There was only one person that object could belong to.
Dismayed, he sat cross-legged on the floor, already forgetful of the task he was carrying out. He stared at it, unable to blink his eyes, unable to think; as if he were in front of an eerie presence that filled him with an unpleasant feeling.
It must have been there for so long, keeping him company in his many insomniac nights. Unaware of it, a piece of Akihiko had been there by his side all this time.
Had Akihiko lost it during their most recent discussion, when he had informed Ugetsu about his moving out? Or had he dropped it when he came to retrieve his belongings?
Ugetsu couldn’t still get used to the empty corner next to his bed. The absence of the drum set weighed more than he would ever admit. Or the single toothbrush that was left on the sink, after having cruelly lost its companion.
A part of him — well, most of him — wanted to believe it was intentional. That Akihiko had left the earring behind so that Ugetsu could still have something of him, a symbol of their past. A goodbye gift before parting ways.
Ugetsu had always been delusional, and he decided to be delusional until the end. He chose to believe Akihiko had deliberately left it there.
Who was there to prove him wrong anyway?
Nevertheless, what if it just meant that Akihiko had left his past behind? That Ugetsu could keep that meaningless part of him without being entitled to anything else?
He was reading too much into it. The explanation was much simpler than that. Akihiko had simply lost it. There was no hidden meaning behind its presence there. He had lost it and maybe he was now wondering if he had misplaced it as he had done so many times in the past.
Ugetsu didn’t even have to think about it. He immediately decided to keep it, instead of giving it back.
The idea he was still retaining something from Akihiko made some of the icy solitude in his chest begin to thaw.
***
He looked at the piercing in his open palm, moving it to see how the light reflected on the steel surface. He closed his fist around it, clenching it tightly. Like a talisman, like a lucky charm.
Maybe, if he rubbed it right, a genius would grant him three wishes.
Although he would only need one.
Sitting on a chair with a cigarette in his hand, his gaze was lost in the distance, beyond the open curtained window. The New York skyline and the partly overcast sky greeting his sight.
It felt nice, for once, being so far away from home.
With closed eyes, he placed a gentle kiss on his knuckles.
He knew exactly what he was going to do.
***
In front of the mirror, a hair pin keeping his unruly strands off his left ear, he took a deep breath as he looked at his reflection.
“Piercing the cartilage in your ear can be a painful process” he had read on an online tutorial just a few minutes earlier, before deciding he didn’t need to know anything else. It was just a piercing. Plenty of people got them. He could handle some pain. He was used to it anyway, although he was more familiar with a different type of suffering. Well, it could be a good way to divert his attention towards something else.
He needed a needle. Fancy hotels always had a sewing kit hidden in some drawer. He could use his lighter to sterilize it. He thought he saw something similar in a movie, so he hoped it would work just fine.
He should sterilize the piercing as well. He should, but he didn’t have anything useful in that room.
Alcohol! Alcohol would do. He would use it to clean the piercing and his cartilage.
And then he would pray to the higher gods to avoid any sort of infection.
This was probably a stupid idea and he should just forget about it. What was he thinking?
He couldn’t risk injuring himself. The best option was a professional shop. A sterilized room with sterilized tools. And a person expert enough to know what they were doing.
Yet, it was something personal. It was his pain, his break-up, his coping mechanism. And he didn’t want anybody else to touch Akihiko’s earring. It was a personal issue and he would go through it alone.
What can a little more hurt do to me anyway?
There were ice cubes in the refrigerator. He would have never thought he would have to use them for something different than their intended use. He read that ice, despite not being as useful as someone might think, should be applied for five minutes to numb the area.
Five minutes? That was too long, he couldn’t wait that much. He was already losing sensibility in his fingers. What difference could it make?
He thoroughly washed his hands and sighed. He was really going to do it, wasn’t he? There was no way back now that he had set his mind on it.
Close to the mirror, he studied his ear with attention. A helix piercing on his left ear, just like Akihiko.
As a memento of their relationship, as a way to keep him as a lingering presence. Although Akihiko had left and broke up with him, Ugetsu still had something to hold on to. The only evidence that proved him that their relationship had been real. That once Akihiko had been his.
As the tip of the needle touched his cartilage, he took a deep breath.
He needed to do it straight away. No thinking. Just act.
Another deep breath.
Zap! The tip pierced through his skin.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck!
The pain was so sudden and unexpected that his mouth opened in a silent scream.
He squeezed his eyes shut and bit down on his lip to distract himself from the stabbing pain.
The skin was not as soft as he thought. The tutorial was right, it was painful. He should have read it till the end. This really was a bad idea. What was he thinking? Piercing his own ear like that. He must have been out of his mind.
Akihiko was supposed to be there with him. They should have gone together in a professional studio. Ugetsu would have squeezed his hand, reassuring him that no, don’t worry, I’m fine, I can handle this. Akihiko would have laughed at him later, teasingly making fun of his childish tears, but Ugetsu would have known it was out of pure affection. Ugetsu would have looked at him, thinking they were wearing matching earrings, and smiled at the idea.
He didn’t want to do it anymore, but he couldn’t stop now that the needle was almost half-way into his ear. He couldn’t risk tearing his skin. Just one fluid motion. A smooth gesture and it would soon be over.
He pushed the needle all the way in, until he felt the tip breaking through the other side.
There was blood. He could feel it warm and sticky on his fingers. Just a few drops, as expected, but it was scary nonetheless. He could see the red on his hands and his ear.
It’s ok.
That was what he deserved anyway. He deserved the pain and the blood and that desperate loneliness in a hotel room on the other side of the world.
For all the times he had hurt Akihiko.
***
If he closed his eyes and touched his ear, he could pretend the skin under his finger was Akihiko’s.
The cold, smooth surface of the metal reminded him of all the times he had played with all those piercings decorating Akihiko’s body.
Left ear, of course. He didn’t even have to think about it. He knew everything about piercing placements. Akihiko made sure to tell him all about that.
Laying in bed, late at night, with his fingers brushing against his ear, Ugetsu would listen to Akihiko talking about his piercings, how they were called, how they were supposed to be cleaned, and no, it didn’t hurt that much to get them.
Ugetsu wished he could go back to those nights; to his soothing, deep voice lulling him to sleep in the warmth of his arms.
But there was no Akihiko now, not anymore.
Just a bed too big for one in a city that wasn’t his own. And unfamiliar white sheets that would never know Akihiko’s scent.
***
He would be alright.
From the window taking in all the city, with a sting in his ear that reminded him he was alive, aching for someone he would never forget, he felt confident enough he would be alright.