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There’s nothing particularly unusual about tonight. Vala has convinced Daniel to stay in her quarters for the night and even gotten him to agree to be the little spoon as they cuddle on her bed (something that happens far more than he’s willing to admit). It doesn’t actually take much to get Daniel to concede her demands. After all, she’d never actually ask for something she knows he doesn’t want.
It’s a quiet night and they’ve both had a long week. Their last off-world expedition had gone…not so well. Gate malfunction. No way to get home and trapped on a primitive planet with little to offer as far as comfortable lodging goes. Several nights in a tent and long, hot days spent in the sand are still exhausting, no matter how used to them they all are by now. Hence, a long week. Realistically, this should be more than enough reason for them to be fast asleep, regaining some of the rest they lost, but Daniel seems wide awake and, light sleeper as ever, that means so is Vala.
She’s not sure what time it is. Finding out would require leaning over his shoulder to see the clock, but she’d really rather not let him know he’s woken her, knows it’ll only make him feel bad. She feels him breathe a heavy sigh and nestles a little closer to him, hoping he’s tired enough to assume it’s just her moving in her sleep. He knows her better than that by now, though, and the cat’s out of the bag. She braces herself for him to call her out on it, but it seems he’s already moved on.
“I miss her,” he says, and Vala immediately understands why his mind is elsewhere. Maybe even why he’s awake at God knows how early in the morning.
“I know,” she says softly. They don’t really talk about this,at least not usually, but it’s not off-limits, just…complicated. They sit in silence for a moment before she asks “Bad dream?”
“No,” he responds. “Sometimes the good ones are even worse. Remind me of what I‒” He cuts himself off, probably realizing whatever he’s about to say isn’t the most sensitive thing to mention in front of her. Of what I miss about her. Of what I no longer have , Vala realizes, unsure whether to feel sorry for his loss or sorry for herself, for the gap she knows she’ll never be able to fill. They both lay there, speechless for a moment, before he whispers “I’m sorry” and she feels guilty, because he hasn’t done anything wrong.
“It’s okay, Daniel,” she tells him, and she means it. Sha’re was important to him, and Vala wants him to feel like he can talk about her, even if it’s not what they usually do. Even if it’s a little awkward. “What was the dream about?”
“Nothing all that special,” he says, like he has no right to find comfort in the memory. “Sunny day. We were having lunch. I was explaining the historical significance of a tablet I’d found in some ruins. She didn’t really get what I was talking about, but she smiled anyway. It was mundane, normal…nice.” Vala can feel him smiling softly. She sits for a moment, trying to imagine it, though she’s never been to Abydos. ‘Normal’. She’s not sure if she can name a single interaction she’s ever had with Daniel that can be described as ‘normal’. As if all normalcy in Daniel’s life was lost with Sha’re and his decision to join the Stargate Program, and all at once she feels the depth of what he no longer has. Of what she’s not sure she’ll ever be able to give him.
“Do you think if she was still alive, you and I would have ever met? Ever fallen in love?” She feels him tense, but continues. “Do you think if you knew us both, you ever would have picked me?” The words leave her mouth against her will and she immediately regrets them. This isn’t what this conversation was supposed to be. It’s not fair to him, to ask a question with no answer. To ask him to make an impossible choice based on a scenario so far removed from reality. Her insecurity doesn’t deserve a place in his happy memories. He stays tense for a moment, before sighing and relaxing once again.
“If Tomin had lived a different life, had never met or heard of the Ori, had stuck around and loved you and treated you right, would you have ever come back to Earth?” It’s not really a comparable scenario and they both know it, but she understands the point he’s trying to make. She really had loved Tomin, before everything went so wrong. It wasn’t impossible to imagine an Ori-less scenario where she had stayed with him, but it was just…
Daniel slowly rolls over to face her. She looks into his eyes, understanding everything and nothing at all, before looking away. There’s nothing left to say, as the silence says it all for them. It’s not that simple.
He pulls her in close and, though she feels sorry to have derailed their conversation so horribly, she knows he’s not angry at her.
“Thank you for letting me talk about her,” he says and Vala realizes that maybe he’s wanted to talk about her for a long time and just not known how. She feels satisfied in a way she can’t really describe. Like a little bit more of the world is right.
“Any time.” She smiles, hoping he can feel her sincerity. Before she knows it, they’re both drifting back to sleep, content.