Archive of Our Own

Matthew loves being a K-pop idol so much that even on his worst and most stressful days on the job, he still goes to sleep with a smile on his face, all because of his fans.

He messages them on Bubble and reads their loving messages back. He posts photos on Twitter and watches everyone immediately make them their new profile pictures. He asks for song recommendations on Mnet Plus, and even though he never manages to actually listen to all of the songs, he reads every comment his fans leave him about why they think he’ll like the song or why the song reminds them of him.

And all of that is just online.

In person, he gets to see the faces of every person who supports him, every banner, every handmade sign, every plushie that resembles him, every camera pointed at him, and every blinding flash that comes with those cameras from every angle.

Matthew wishes he could remember every fan’s name, and while a good chunk of them do come to mind immediately both online and in person, he’s much better at remembering faces. He remembers that the fansite who designed his favorite fanmade fox plushie recently started wearing red makeup instead of pink. He knows that one fan who lives in another country manages to appear in the audience of every festival and award show his group attends. He recognizes fans out on the street before they ever recognize him, discreetly smiles to himself, and counts how many seconds it takes for a fan he spots to finally see him across the cafe and how many it takes for them to gather the courage to come up to him.

So it’s only natural that just three minutes into being seated in front of everyone for a fansign for the current album promotions, he recognizes that there’s someone new in the audience.

Hao has a lot of fans who travel from China, so occasionally a new face will be one of his fans who is finally in the country at the right time. And Gunwook is constantly gaining fans with every week’s Music Bank appearance as an MC, so a lot of new faces end up just being new fans of the group thanks to him. But Matthew realizes that this person isn’t a fan of Hao or Gunwook or any of the other members because this fan’s camera is pointed straight at him with a little sign taped to the top of it that reads ‘Seok Matthew.'

Upon noticing this, Matthew happily waves at the camera and tries to look at the fan's face, but whoever it is only moves to fully hide behind the camera.

Matthew frowns, thinking they might be shy, but he’s sure that after they meet, that shyness will hopefully go away.

Out of fifty fans, the mystery person ends up being number 12, so Matthew doesn’t have to wait very long before he’s finally face-to-face with them.

Matthew would be lying to himself if he said that he wasn’t a little blown away. The fan has pretty black hair, styled just perfectly so that some of it falls over his eyes, his eyes that shine prettily when he looks at Matthew. He’s wearing a face mask that sadly covers the bottom half of his face, but just from the little bit that Matthew can see, all he can think is that his fan is just so pretty.

But he snaps out of it and reminds him to be normal about meeting his fan. “Hi, nice to meet you!” Matthew greets, smiling at the fan. “You’re new, right? I don’t think we’ve met before.”

The guy nods. “Yes, it’s my first time. I’ve liked you for some time now, but I finally tried for a fansign and thankfully won.”

“Well, I’m glad you did! I’m so happy you’re here!”

Matthew looks down at the album and notices how for the little sticky tabs that the fan has placed on the right side of the album, only Matthew’s tab has hearts on it. He smiles a little and opens the album to his page and looks at the name and question.

To. My Seokmae

Which is the most romantic?

1. Walk at the park together

2. Watching a movie together

3. Stargazing together

4. Cooking together

“Oh, these are all really romantic, but I’m picking C because I think there’s something very special about picking the perfect day and time to get the perfect view together, you know? The other three options are still good but can be done at any time, but stargazing is best at certain times! It’s really cute to be able to plan a good time to do something like that!”

Matthew circles the option and then looks back up when he realizes that there’s no name for him to write on the page. “What name should I write for you?”

“You can write ‘Pancake Prince.’”

Matthew giggles. “Ah, it’s your fansite name!”

Matthew writes it down and even draws a little plate of pancakes next to it, knowing that it’ll probably used as the watermark for his photos, and then he draws a smiley face with whiskers and several little hearts throughout the page.

When he’s done, he looks up at the fan. “What’s your real name, though? So I know what to call you when we meet.”

The guy shakes his head. “I don’t want to say. Just my fansite name is fine to call me by.”

Matthew tilts his head in confusion. “Eh, why? I promise I won’t tell anyone if that’s what you’re worried about. I just want to call you by your name.”

“Seokmae-ya.” All of the sweetness disappears from the fan's voice. He's speaking to him sternly now like Matthew is doing something wrong. “I’m not telling you. I mean it. Stop asking.”

Matthew feels a chill go down his spine. His fan is talking to him so authoritatively all of a sudden, which he probably deserves just a little for being so nosy but, still, it’s his fan.

Matthew quickly gulps and looks down to avoid eye contact, drawing a few more doodles on the page as an excuse. “Sorry… You know I’m naturally a very curious person.”

“Yes, I do know.” The fan sighs. “I like it about you, but please don’t be curious this time.”

“Okay, okay, I won’t,” Matthew laughs and looks back up when he remembers. “Oh, right. You have a nickname for me…? I’ve never heard this one before!”

Even with his fan wearing a face mask, Matthew can see how his whole face turns pink. “Y-yeah, I do. Do you like it, Seokmae-ya?”

Matthew happily nods. “I really like it! It’s unique. It fits me well, I think. But I’ll only let you use it, okay?”

The fan’s ears turn red.

Matthew can’t help it when he blurts out, “So pretty.”

The fan’s eyes widen. “Me? You’re calling me pretty?”

Matthew prays his makeup is enough to hide the reddening of his own face now. “Of course. You’re very cute. Oh, and you’ve been talking informally, so does this mean that you’re older?”

Thankfully, the fan isn’t so secretive and defensive this time and actually nods. “I was born in 2001.”

“So you’re my hyung!” Matthew puts his hand over the fan’s hand and rubs it with his thumb. “Thank you for coming today, hyung. I’m really happy today because I got to meet you. I’ll make sure to look at your camera a lot today, okay?”

The fan looks down at their touching hands and then back at Matthew, and Matthew can see the way he seems to let out a shaky breath.

“I’ll take pretty pictures of you, Seokmae-ya,” he says, handing Matthew what appears to be a letter as he’s getting up to move on to the next member. “Every time you look at me—the camera.”

“Make me look really pretty, hyung!”

The fan really does take a lot of pictures of Matthew, even making sure to have just the right view of him when he walks across the stage during their talking with the fan gifts session. And Matthew gives all of his fans attention, but he gives his new fan just a little bit of extra attention.

Just for today, he tells himself as he’s posing for him. Because the fan is new and will need a lot of good photos to post so he can start off his new account.

When Matthew goes home, he reads the letter.

To my Seokmae,

I’m very happy to be your fan. Please never stop being yourself in ZB1 content. I’m going to be your fansite for a long time. Let’s have a happy time with these comeback promotions :)

~ Pancake Prince

It’s shorter than the typical fan letter, but Matthew loves it nonetheless. He puts it in the binder he has full of fan letters he keeps next to his bed and feels very happy to have a new fan that he’ll see often.

Twitter user PancakePrince0528 posts photos of Matthew the next morning and immediately gains a decent following. His photos are very high quality, and because of Matthew’s special attention to his camera, the photos are awfully cute, even if Matthew says so himself.

Matthew then scrolls through the account’s following and likes in hopes of finding some more personal information like a name but unfortunately comes up with nothing.

All he has right now is a half of a face, his pretty blushing, and a birth year, which he supposes is better than nothing, but Matthew wants to know this guy’s name really, really badly.

This is his first time being told that he can’t know a fan’s name. Ever. Other fansites who want him to always sign to their fansite name so they can post the photos online without having to cover anything still tell him their real name when he asks so he can use it when they talk. Even the other fans who go by different names online still tell him the name they use in their daily life when he asks.

Everyone knows he’s curious and likes knowing as much about his fans as he can, so to have someone so interesting be the first person to ever deny Matthew a simple bit of knowledge sort of has him going crazy.

It doesn’t help that he can’t stop thinking about his pretty the guy looked when he blushed… Matthew wants to be able to call him by his name. Maybe the guy will blush harder if he does.

He groans and drops his phone next to him on the bed.

What kind of thoughts are these? This guy is just a fan. One that he only met today at that. He can’t be having thoughts like this over someone like this. Especially since the guy sounded a little not-so-happy when he told Matthew to stop trying to figure out his real name. He’s probably not the best person to be thinking about…

But Matthew still can’t help but be curious. He needs to know his fan’s name.

At the next fansign, Matthew greets his fan with “Prince hyung!”

The fan shakes his head. “You’re the prince, Seokmae-ya, not me.”

Matthew sighs dramatically. “Well, if I knew your name, I wouldn’t have to call you other things…”

Still, only half of his face is showing, but the sternness is just as strong. “I know what you’re doing, but I’m still not telling you.”

Matthew pouts. “Okay, sorry…”

Which is the most romantic piece of jewelry to receive?

1. A necklace

2. A bracelet

3. A ring

“Oh, a ring for sure!” Matthew even draws a little ring with hearts surrounding it on the page. “All of these can be romantic, but rings are the most romantic of the three. There’s a reason couples use them to make promises to each other, after all.”

“So you think couple rings are romantic too?”

Matthew nods. “Of course! But if I’m being honest, I think wearing similar clothes is even more romantic than rings because it’s more obvious, and everyone can see! It also looks really good in pictures!”

At the next fansign, Matthew gets his third question about romance from him in a row.

Which nickname is the most romantic?

1. Baby

2. Love

3. Cutie

4. Jagi/Honey

Matthew immediately circles the fourth option.

The fan just blinks when Matthew looks back up at him.

“Didn’t Gyuvin call you that five days ago?”

“He did?” Matthew tilts his head and tries to think back to whatever he did five days ago, but nothing comes up. He’s pretty sure that was when Gyuvin decided to come into the room when he was on live to talk for a bit, but Matthew doesn’t remember much of it. “If he did, I don’t remember. But it’s the most romantic, I think.” When his fan continues to stare blankly at him, Matthew gulps and looks down to draw a few doodles on the page. “I mean, not when Gyuvinnie in particular calls me that, but in general.”

“Oh, good,” the fan says, and Matthew promptly changes the subject.

“So, hyung, about your name—”

“Still no, Seokmae-ya.”

Matthew pouts. “It was worth a try…”

Online fancalls start up the following week, and every time Matthew gets the list of names of fans he’s talking to that day, he keeps track of all the unfamiliar names of fans calling from Korea just in case, but none of them are that one particular fan.

The guy keeps showing up to all the in-person fansigns though, so Matthew just assumes at first that it might be because his fan prefers to spend his money on in-person events or just never wins the fancalls. But it soon dawns on him one day when he catches the fan hiding the sticky note with his real name on it before sitting in front of Matthew that it might just be because he can’t hide his name if it’s a fancall.

This fan is taking the hiding of his real name from Matthew really seriously, and this realization only makes Matthew’s curiosity about the name become stronger.

So after work that day, he goes to Twitter and searches up all kinds of things like “seok matthew fanboy,” “seokryu fanboy,” and more until he finally finds something that could help him.

When the video in the Tweet zooms out a bit toward the end, Matthew quite literally hits his head on the wall when he sits up on his bed too fast from the realization that it’s him. It’s his fan. The silky black hair, the pretty skin, the tall build, the fashion choices—it’s undeniably him. And he’s finally seeing his full face, even if it’s only a little bit, but it’s more than he’s ever seen before, and Matthew thinks that he’s beautiful.

Matthew hurriedly looks through the replies and quotes, and although no one seems to know this guy’s name, one person says that they recognize the place in the video. It’s Sungkyunkwan University, the same school that Matthew’s friend Kamden attends.

Without a second thought, Matthew texts Kamden, knowing that this will probably be his only shot at finding out anything more about his mysterious fan.

bro

can i ask you a question rq

if you're not busy

yeah what’s up

do you know him

[Screenshot_6417.png]

oh that’s sung hanbin

he’s been in a few of my courses here and there over the years

and currently in my history class

he asked to pair up for a project at the beginning of the semester 2 weeks ago

and he’s pretty quiet. he gets his work done tho and we got an A

and when he was doing his work on his laptop next to me

i saw that his home screen was a collage of pics of you lol

pretty ironic bc you and i are friends and he had no idea

why do you want to know his name though?

omg omg

he attends a bunch of my fansigns

but he’s the only fan EVER to refuse to tell me their name

and i just saw that tweet and recognized him

and i hoped you knew him from school

and now i know his name hehe i finally have something on him

thank you for your help i owe you one

kisses mwah mwah

gross

get off my phone

-_-

Matthew giggles to himself after turning his phone off. He knows his name now. And it’s a cute name, at that. Now if only Sung Hanbin would show him his whole face in person next…

Matthew shakes that thought away. One step at a time.

At the next fansign, Matthew smiles very big when Hanbin sits in front of him.

“Hi, Hambin hyung!”

Hanbin quite literally freezes in place.

Matthew giggles. “I found out your name! It’s just as pretty as you, hyung.”

Still frozen, Hanbin somehow manages to blink. “You… found it.”

Matthew nods. “I don’t get why you hid it, though. It’s really pretty, Hambin hyung. It suits you so much. I feel like I could have just guessed it if I just tried to come up with pretty names. You still want me to write it to your fansite name, though, right?”

He starts writing the first syllable of ‘Pancake’ when Hanbin reaches forward and puts a hand on the corner of the album which makes Matthew stop and look up in surprise.

“No,” Hanbin says loudly. He looks straight into Matthew’s eyes in a way that is so different from before, and Matthew feels like... almost like… prey. “Seokmae-ya, you can write hyung’s name. Write ‘to my Hanbin hyung.’”

Matthew quickly nods and writes what Hanbin wants.

“But how did you find out my name?” Hanbin asks as Matthew writes an answer to his question about the most romantic food to eat on a date.

“Ah, that…” Matthew flushes, realizing he should have come up with something a little bit less suspicious-sounding to tell him before his big reveal. “I saw a photo of you—”

Hanbin interrupts. “You had a photo of me?”

“Well, it was a photo of the audience at a fan event that someone posted online,” Matthew lies as best as he can, eyes still set on the album pages. “And my friend was with me and recognized you when he looked at my phone because you go to the same school. That’s all.”

“Ah, I see… It was Na Kamden from the engineering department, right?”

Matthew’s head shoots up. “You know he’s my friend?”

“Of course, I do. I know you very well,” Hanbin says, and he leaves it at that.

Matthew has a bit of an uneasy feeling after that, but he shakes it off as well as he can and gets through the rest of the fansign event.

Hanbin doesn’t attend the fansign on March 18th.

He’s gone to every single one with no exception, goes to every music show performance, goes to every radio show filming, follows the group every time they film anything else outside in public, is at literally every single public schedule where Matthew is present, and yet, he misses this fansign.

Matthew gulps down the disappointment he feels when he looks around and doesn’t see him and just hopes that Hanbin is fine, wherever he is.

When he goes back to the dorm that day, he sends some messages on Bubble.

Let’s stay healthy, okay?

The weather isn’t the best right now… Don’t get sick

I hope you’re okay

Matthew can't even bring himself to check the responses. He feels like such a joke because even with all of the uneasiness about the way Hanbin treats him and knows about his private life aside, he’s posting vague messages online for everyone to see in an attempt for one specific person to see them, all because that person didn’t come to see him today. Like a total loser.

Matthew asks Hanbin at the next fansign why he wasn’t there that day, and Hanbin just says that he was busy, and Matthew doesn't ask about it any further even if the curiosity flows through his blood.

Ever since Matthew started writing Hanbin’s name on his fansign pages, Hanbin has started posting photos of the full pages instead of cropping out the fansite name. He blurs out the ‘Hanbin,’ of course, but keeps the ‘to my __ hyung’ every time.

And Hanbin never really responds to any replies on his posts either, but on these new posts where he's showing off what Matthew writes, any reply that calls it cute that Matthew is calling him ‘his’ gets a like and a blue heart emoji reply from Hanbin.

Matthew finds it a little endearing at first that Hanbin is so happy about what he writes for him, but one day he notices that someone replies to Hanbin’s tweet saying that they also got a ‘to my __’ from Matthew, and the next reply from that account is them showing a screenshot that Hanbin blocked them.

And the uneasiness in Matthew comes back.

Later that same day, a staff member at the company gives all of the ZB1 members their boxes of fan gifts for the week, and Matthew happily talks Taerae’s ear off on the car ride home about how excited he is to read all the letters, especially the ones sent from overseas.

“Your box is probably more clothes than it is letters, Matthew-ya,” Taerae says. “Your fans love gifting you clothes.”

“Yours should do the same, Taerae-ya. You need it way more than I do,” Matthew says, glancing down at Taerae’s left-side-orange right-side-purple pants.

Taerae tries to slap him upside the head, but Hao tells him to stop disrupting his sleep from the seats behind them, and Taerae gives Matthew a look that reads ‘Just wait until I catch you later.’

Matthew stifles laughter and looks back out the window for the duration of the car ride. His fans buy him a lot of clothes for some reason, which he cannot complain about at all, and he always wears and cherishes every item very much. But there’s just something about letters that come from the heart. Words are beautiful, and if they mean something to his fans, then they will always mean something to Matthew too.

So when he gets home, he goes right into going through everything in his box.

There are a lot of letters, which Matthew happily reads through and then carefully puts in his letter binder. Someone gifts him a Pokemon plushie. Someone else gifts him two T-shirts. Someone else gifts him a keychain that he immediately puts on his favorite casual bag, which is also a fan gift.

He then gets to a package that seems to have quite a bit of things in it. Inside is a letter that reads ‘Sung Hanbin’ right on the front, and Matthew freezes.

Hanbin has been freaking Matthew out a little more and more every time he sees him since finding out that Hanbin knows enough about Matthew’s private life to know who his non-celebrity friends are.

And since then, things have gotten worse. When Matthew and Taerae go out for lunch somewhere, Hanbin then asks Matthew for lunch recommendations the next day and mentions a very similar dessert to what Matthew had the previous day. When Gunwook asks him to accompany him to the company building to help him with choreography, Hanbin casually asks him the next day if he’s the group’s go-to member for help with dancing. When Matthew goes to Show Champion early in the morning, Hanbin is among the group of people who surround the group for photos and videos, and he gives Matthew a paper straw, telling him that he forgot to pick one up when getting his drink earlier. And when Matthew checks the group’s bag of drinks and straws that he bought for everyone at a local smoothie place before they ever got in the company vans, he finds that Hanbin is right. He never picked up a straw for himself, only six for the other members…

Matthew knows that something is definitely wrong, but he’s not sure what it is quite yet so he’s not able to tell anyone about it. Because what would he even say? He doesn't have serious proof of anything. He doesn't want to sound crazy to anyone. They'll just figure out that Hanbin has been running through Matthew's mind for way too much to be considered normal, even before the possible stalking.

Now, he looks into Hanbin’s box and takes each item out one by one.

First, there’s a teddy bear with a cute red bow, and Matthew instantly sighs. He cares about plushies too much to ever throw this away or hide it in his closet or something. He gets up from bed to put it right in the corner of his room where his other plushies are. It fits right in between Blastoise and Pompompurin, and Matthew admits that it looks cute, even if it was gifted to him by someone so… creepy, for lack of a better word that properly suits whatever Hanbin is to Matthew.

Next is what appears to be a jewelry box, and inside are two slots for rings.

But one is empty.

The other slot does have a ring in it, though. It’s silver, seems to be just the right size for him, and has a pretty jewel on it that honestly looks way too expensive even to Matthew whose only knowledge of expensive jewelry is from looking at Ricky’s collection in the next room over. On the inside of the box, there’s a quote about love and promises and loyalty and—

Matthew drops the ring back into the ring box and closes it without even putting it back into the slot correctly.

It’s a couple ring.

And presumably, Hanbin owns the other ring.

With a gulp, Matthew pulls out the last item in the box, which is a white T-shirt. It has a chest pocket with a little smiley face on it, and if literally any other person had gifted it to him, he would be ecstatic to hang it up in his closet right away.

But it’s from Hanbin, and Matthew has the sick feeling that this is meant to be a couple item too, because what are the chances that it’s not?

After closing the box back up and sliding it under his bed, he finally grabs the letter again and lets out a deep breath before opening it.

To my one and only Seokmae,

I hope you like the gifts hyung picked out for you. I worked really hard to pick everything out just to your liking, jagiya.

The shirt is matching with me. I’ll wear mine, take a photo in it, and post it on my private social media account. You’ll take photos in your shirt too, right? You don’t have to post them anywhere. I know you don’t want dating rumors. But it’s still romantic, right? If we both take photos in them and keep them to ourselves, it’s still romantic. It’s like looking at stars in the sky at the same time. Even if we’re apart, we still know in our hearts that we’re doing it together.

The ring is also matching with me. You like matching rings, right, jagiya? Your hands are so small and cute. It wasn’t hard at all to imagine your ring finger when I was picking out the proper ring size. But if it really doesn’t fit, tell me and I’ll buy you a new one. I want us to wear them together. Again, it’s romantic, right? And don’t worry. Hyung purposely didn’t choose rings that are advertised as couple rings because then you wouldn’t be able to wear yours out in public. But you can wear this one, and no one will ever suspect that you’re wearing it as a couple ring. I’m wearing mine right now as I’m writing these words to you, Seokmae-ya. Are you going to wear yours too as you read the rest of hyung’s letter?

Finally, the teddy bear doesn’t match anything that I own, but it’s my favorite of the three gifts I’m giving you. Do you want to guess why? :)

I love you. My heart beats for you. I am only happy when I see you. Do you feel the same way about me? It’s okay, you don’t ever have to answer me with words. I know you can’t tell me that you do. But I know you do. You care so much about me that you did whatever you could to find my name. Why? Because you wanted to know which name to imagine next to your own on paper? Because you wanted a name to think about when you fantasize about me at night?

When you said my name for the first time, I became yours forever. That’s the reason I never wanted you to know my name... I knew that the second you said my name in your cute little voice with your pretty lips, I would never be able to let you go.

I gave you a chance to avoid this for the both of us.

But you didn’t take it, and instead, you irreversibly turned me into a man who can only see you, no one else.

So think of that when you think of me. Remember that you did this. You’re the one making me crazy. You’re the one making me feel like no one else matters in the world besides just you and me.

I love you. One day you’ll be able to say the same to me. Maybe when the group’s contract is over and you’re not tied to the rules of the company anymore. The seven years start counting down on your debut date, right? Then only 6 years, 3 weeks, and 4 days left until then. Hyung can wait that long for you. You’ll wait too, right?

~ Your Hambin hyung

P.S. That’s how you pronounce my name. You’re so adorable. You’ve never been able to pronounce the ‘n’ correctly. I love it so much. It’s like your own nickname for me without you even trying. We both have nicknames for each other that no one else in the world is allowed to use. ♡

“—Matthew-ya. Matthew-ya, are you okay?”

Matthew gets shaken out of staring at the letter by Hao who is now kneeling down in front of him. He hadn’t even noticed that Hao had come into the room, or that the door had opened at all.

“I’ve been calling for you for a while now, and you’ve been totally out of it. What’s wrong?” Hao asks. “You don’t look like you’re okay. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Matthew looks back down at the letter, rereading Hanbin’s words over and over. “Uh… I think… I should…” He can’t even get anything out. He doesn’t even know what he’s trying to say.

Hao takes the letter gently from his hands and reads the last page, immediately looking angry, hand gripping the paper tightly. “What the fuck? Who is this?”

“My fan…” Matthew says quietly. “He comes to our events for me…”

“Matthew-ya, someone like this isn’t a fan. He’s a creep, and he needs to stay away from you. Come on, let’s go to the company to report him right away. Did he give you anything else besides this letter?”

Matthew silently pulls the box from back under his bed and hands it to Hao.

Hao looks inside the box and then back at Matthew. “This is everything, right? There’s nothing else that he’s given you?”

Matthew thinks of the teddy bear in the corner of the room. But even though it’s from Hanbin, he can’t give it up. There’s not much that makes Matthew cry out of nowhere, but the idea of an innocent plushie being thrown away and being sad and alone for the rest of its life brings tears to Matthew’s eyes right then and there.

Hao must mistake his tears for coming from the sasaeng scare because he pulls him into a hug and pats him comfortingly. Matthew doesn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.

“Yes, it’s everything,” he tells Hao, arms trembling around Hao’s body and eyes focused on the teddy bear. “Everything in this box. I already took all the other fans’ gifts and letters out.”

Hao takes Matthew out of his room and informs the other members that they’re going to the company to report an obsessive fan, and Ricky says he’ll drive them so they won’t have to wait for someone to come pick them up this late at night.

“This guy is sick in the head,” Hao says from the backseat when Ricky stops at a red light and puts his hand over Matthew's shaking one. Matthew sits in the passenger seat because it’s always been his favorite spot in Ricky’s car, and he likes poking at the cat-shaped air fresheners. “You two know I hate talking about people like this, but he always gave me weird vibes. Don’t feel too bad about it, Matthew-ya. The company will take care of it, and he won’t get close to you again. I promise. I’ll make sure they do it.”

“Okay” is all Matthew manages to say.

When they get to the company, Hao leads them to Kim Jiwoong, a staff member whom the whole group treats like a good hyung rather than just a staff member. (Hao treats him like something more sometimes, and in any other situation, Matthew would tease Hao about the way his hands stay on Jiwoong’s hands for a little too long, but now he has no energy for it.) He used to be an idol and an actor before taking a job here, so he always understands the members better than anyone else here.

Hao explains the letter and gifts to Jiwoong, and then Jiwoong asks Matthew to tell him more about Hanbin, so Matthew lets out a shaky breath and tells him who he is and how long he’s been attending their events. But he purposely leaves out how exactly he found Hanbin’s name, how Hanbin knew that he was friends with Kamden for an unknown reason, how he likes to make Hanbin’s face and ears turn red when they talk, and how he found himself feeling upset when Hanbin missed one fansign.

“I see,” Jiwoong says, typing something on his computer. “Has he done something like this to you before? Anything else you want to report him for?”

He knows he should probably tell the full truth now that he has the chance to, but… if he does, things might become so bad that Hanbin could get expelled from school, will have it on his permanent record, will have to give up on his dreams, won’t find a good job, and will live a miserable life. Matthew can’t do that to him, even if Hanbin is scaring him a little bit. He just can’t.

So Matthew shakes his head. “No, this is the first time something has happened. This is it.”

“Okay.” Jiwoong nods. “I’ll have to check with everyone else first, but since this isn’t super severe, we’ll probably just quietly blacklist him from all public events and block his phone number and email from all of the group’s social media accounts and apps. He won’t be able to send you gifts or interact with you anymore, Matthew-ya. Don’t worry.”

“Yeah, don’t worry anymore, Mashu.” Ricky puts an arm around him. “If he ever tries anything, I can throw a really mean punch if I try.”

And that actually gets a small laugh out of Matthew which Ricky pretends offends him.

It’s not until later that night that Matthew thinks of the first letter Hanbin had given him before everything went to shit. But he’s so tired that he can’t bring himself to go take it out and throw it away or at the very least, hide it. It’ll just have to stay.

After that day, Hanbin doesn’t show up to any fansigns for the remainder of the album promotions. He doesn’t wait for Matthew before or after music shows and radio shows. His Twitter account doesn’t post photos either.

It’s like he’s gone for good.

Matthew tells himself that this is as good as things could be. Hanbin doesn’t bother him anymore, and now he’s probably out in the world bettering himself instead of focusing on Matthew.

But something that also changes after that day is that Matthew starts to have a strange feeling that someone is watching him whenever he’s outside.

At first, he tries to tell himself that he’s just being paranoid because of how sudden and scary Hanbin’s gifts were, but the feeling persists nonetheless.

When he goes to the convenience store by the dorm, he feels like there’s a presence always a few steps behind him. At the local bakery that he likes to visit with Gyuvin, it’s like someone is watching from a hidden, dark corner of the room. Even when it’s his turn to drop off Yujin at school and he’s done waving to all the fans filming him with their phone cameras, he feels like someone is sneakily filming from behind a tree or inside one of the parked cars or across the street with all the other people walking past the school with ulterior motives, not innocent ones like all of the other fans.

This feeling never goes away no matter how hard Matthew tries to ignore it, but he doesn’t tell anyone about it.

If he did, he’s sure they’ll just tell him that he’s acting paranoid because of how badly Hanbin’s gift scared him and then take him to a doctor to get it checked out, but no. Matthew knows that he’s not crazy. He’s just yet to actually have proof that someone is there.

He’s lying in bed one morning when Yujin knocks on his door and then peeks his head in after Matthew tells him to come in.

“Matthew hyung, can I go to the gym with you today?”

Matthew sits up and looks at him in surprise. “Eh? Really? The gym? Why?”

Yujin looks a little bit embarrassed when he lets the door fully open and he speaks. “I want to get strong like you.”

Matthew’s heart melts. “Awwww, Yujinie!” He gets up from bed and pulls Yujin into a hug while the younger groans and tries to pull away. “You look up to me, right? I’m your favorite hyung out of everyone in the world, right?”

“Hyung... let go of me. Let go.” Yujin successfully pulls himself out of Matthew’s grasp which only makes Matthew pout. “You just practically live in the gym, so obviously I would ask you out of everyone in the group.”

“Okay, okay, sorry. Go get your bag, and I’ll go get us water and snacks and get dressed, and we’ll leave in ten minutes.”

The building they live in has a gym on the second floor which Matthew frequents the most, but Gunwook and Hao use it too sometimes. It’s a lot more convenient than going out to a gym somewhere out in the city, and it works just great, so Matthew likes it.

He and Yujin walk out of the elevator and to the end of the hall where the gym is when Matthew hears quiet footsteps behind them. At first, he doesn’t make much of it since there are a lot of other people who live in and work in the building after all, but then he hears what he immediately recognizes as the sound of a button being pressed repeatedly.

The sound is engraved in Matthew’s mind. The last time he heard that same sound was on Sunday when he stopped by a convenience store on the way home from Inkigayo. Back then, when he turned around at the sound, he only saw a tall figure, covered from head to toe in black, and he had a feeling he knew who it was, but he had no real proof since they ran off right away, too quick for Matthew to make out any other features.

And he has the same feeling right now, even without any physical features visible, that he knows who is following him and Yujin and taking photos with an expensive camera.

Matthew gulps. “Yujin-ah.”

Yujin hums. “Yes, hyung?”

“I forgot my chapstick. Do you mind going back to get it? I left it on the kitchen counter. You can bring back some cookies too if you’re quick and the other hyungs don’t notice.”

Yujin perks up at the mention of cookies and scurries off back down the hall and into the elevator, which is thankfully in the opposite direction of where the stalker is.

As soon as the elevator doors close and Yujin is gone, Matthew shakily reaches for his phone, opens Bubble, and types a message.

I’m about to go to the gym with one of the members~ Guess who!

As soon as he confirms the message and it’s sent, there’s a notification sound from around the corner. Just as he had expected.

Matthew’s blood runs cold.

The owner of the phone instantly curses under their breath—the voice sounds familiar—and fumbles around for a bit before rushing off.

It’s proof. He finally knows for sure that he’s not crazy. But is this really something to celebrate…?

When Yujin finally comes back, Matthew knows he can’t tell the younger. He only smiles and thanks Yujin for bringing him a cookie too.

The next day, after it’s really settled in his head that he’s being stalked, Matthew realizes that he forgot to ever give a follow-up to that Bubble message, and he goes to read the replies first.

It’s Gunwook!!!!

matthew omg omg it’s definitely gunwook bc he talked about wanting to work out recently

Could it be Gyuvinie.. He said he wants to bulk up he would look so cool please send a photo Matthew I am begging

Gym selca with Gunwook plzzzz

gyuvin for sure ^^ he didn’t send anything on bbl yesterday he probably passed out right after working out LOL

Seokmae-ya, did Yujin take any photos of you at the gym? Or did you take any selcas? I like it when your veins in your arms show. And you always look good in those sweatpants. Should I buy you a new pair soon? It’s always nice to have different colors of something you look good in

It’s him.

He must be using a different phone number or email or something because he’s not supposed to be here.

But he is.

Hanbin was told to stay away from Matthew or else real legal action would be taken… and he’s choosing to ignore it to be able to continue seeing Matthew and sending him messages.

Matthew doesn’t even find himself to be scared. He knows he should be, but he doesn’t. Instead, there’s a strange feeling his his chest that he chooses to push down as he sends a response.

Sorry everyone~ I forgot to answer the question but you were all patient so I’ll send a photo later as an apology~~

I went to the gym with Yujinie!!

Good job to anyone who guessed correctly!!

Don’t worry everyone. He’s not going to do anything crazy there

He just wants to learn from me, his favorite hyung~ I’ll protect him and his cute image!

He checks the replies and hates himself for how he scrolls and scrolls through all the messages until he finds the one he is looking for.

And there it is.

I hope you post a photo just the way I like it, Seokmae-ya. Hyung likes anything you post as long as it’s not something other people gave you, but gym photos are my favorite

Matthew does end up posting a gym selfie later. It’s what he intended to post from the beginning, and he knows he could change it up this time to avoid any problems, and yet… When he still goes through with it, he doesn’t think of what all his fans think of it, only what one fan does. He scrolls and scrolls until he finds it and then—

Seokmae-ya, you look so sexy… Hyung doesn’t know what to do with you… Seriously. I’ll see you soon. And wear the gray top next time. The one you don’t hang up in your closet and leave by the computer. It’s hyung’s favorite :)

—Matthew’s heart stops.

The gray tank top is still there now, lying on top of his computer keyboard because he’s been too lazy to find a hanger that isn’t broken to put it up for the past week.

No one knows that he keeps it there. Only the members who come in and out of his room know. He’s never posted photos or talked about it and as far as he knows, the members have never talked about anything about his room in the dorm either.

Matthew knows that he should report this too and tell someone at the company that Hanbin is back and knows things he’s not supposed to and doesn’t know how to stay away from him so that he can finally put an end to this.

But instead of feeling scared and moving to tell someone about this, he once again gulps it all down and just types on Bubble.

Oh, do I look good? I’m glad you think so~

I’ll take more photos the next time I go to the gym!

When Matthew turns his phone off, he shuts his eyes tightly and sighs. He just doesn’t want to ruin Hanbin’s life by reporting him a second time. That’s all it is, he tells himself. That’s all it will ever be. Just him trying to be the better person. He can deal with the stalking and the Bubble messages. He’s done all he can.

A few days later comes April Fool’s Day, which is when fansites post photos of other idols they like for the day.

And Hanbin’s account comes back from the dead to post photos of another idol.

Matthew drops his phone on the dining room table and almost spills his soup when he sees Hanbin’s tweet. He curses at himself and feels relieved that none of the members saw him only for a second before picking his phone back up to make sure he saw it correctly.

And yep, there it is. He didn’t imagine it.

March 18th…

The day of the only fansign Hanbin has ever missed.

Matthew doesn't know if he wants to cry or laugh at his current situation. Hanbin chose to miss an opportunity to talk to him so he could go see another boy at the airport that day. And that’s not what’s making Matthew go crazy. It’s the fact that he’s genuinely angry over it.

All this time, Hanbin had been treating him like he was the only one for him like there was no other idol in the world who could compare to him, only for Hanbin to do this… And it’s not even like BoyNextDoor just happened to be around the airport at the same time that ZB1 was so Matthew would be able to tell himself that Hanbin just chose to take photos of a random idol while he was already there so he’d have something for April Fool’s Day and kill two birds with one stone.

But no.

Hanbin chose someone else over Matthew, even if it was just for one day.

And then he kept it a secret from Matthew for the rest of their limited interactions before he got blacklisted.

Matthew tries to get himself to calm down from his anger by getting up from the table and going into his room, falling onto his head face-first, and trying to think about literally anything else.

But he just can’t. His mind keeps coming back to it. Why would Hanbin choose someone else? Let alone someone from one of ZB1’s biggest rival groups. If the picture was from after the blacklist, maybe Matthew wouldn’t care so much because it would mean that Hanbin is finally going to leave him alone, but this was back when Hanbin was still seeing Matthew every day.

Matthew hates the idea that Hanbin chose someone else, and hates the fact that he hates it even more.

It’s all such a joke, and yet Matthew is taking it so seriously that he opens Bubble on his phone and sends a few messages.

Only look at me

Don’t look at other idols, okay?

Or else I’ll be really sad

Don’t choose anyone else over me

He gives it a few minutes before checking the responses.

matthew who hurt you i’ll jump them send the address king

Say that to Gunwook who keeps thirst-trapping these days LOL JK you’re still my bias Matt

is this because some of your fansites posted pics of other idols today you are sooooo cute for being jealous omg. don’t feel bad though bc remember that for every seokryu who posts a pic of another idol, there’s a person who’s a fan of another idol and posted a pic of you!

happy april fool’s day matthew you should totally celebrate by sending a wet hair photo wait what who said that??????

Are you jealous Seokmae-ya?

Matthew knows he could get into so much trouble for vaguely answering only one person, especially if that one person is his blacklisted stalker, but…

Not even an apology? I thought I was your favorite idol

Seokmae-ya, you’re jealous of hyung looking at other men, right?

Yes, I’m jealous!!!!

Well, you pretended to kiss Gunwook the other day Seokmae-ya. Hyung didn’t like it

What’s this about fanservice…?

Fanservice or not, hyung doesn’t like watching other men get so close to you. Seokmae-ya, do you remember when you told hyung the nickname I picked for you was only for me to use? Your hands and eye contact should only be for hyung too, not anyone else. I hate sharing

But you look at other idols…

How do I know if I’m really that special to you then…

You’re so cute Seokmae-ya, seriously. Do you think hyung will let go of you because I went to the airport to see someone else just once? Hyung only likes you. I will never love anyone else the way I love you

Matthew feels like he’s really, really going insane now because he types his next message so fast he hardly gets a chance to process it before he confirms he wants to send it.

I love you too

His heart pounds. Matthew… doesn’t mean it, does he? There’s no way that he could ever love someone like Hanbin. Someone who doesn’t respect his privacy and takes photos of him in the dorm building and out in public and tells him that he doesn’t like it when he gets close to the other members and thinks that they actually have a chance together and admits to being crazy for him in a way that he can’t control and even blames that craziness on him.

Seokmae-ya don’t say things like that here. Everyone will think you’re saying it to them, but in reality, you’re only saying it to hyung, right? You don’t report hyung’s comments, right? This is my K*k*o account - sshhbbean. Message me if you’re finally ready to tell me your real feelings instead of hiding behind Bubble

Yeah, if he needed any more confirmation, this is it—Sung Hanbin is absolutely crazy.

Matthew’s hands shake as he types his final messages.

Thank you everyone for your messages today~

Have a good day

Eat a good meal today too!!

He turns his phone off without checking again if Hanbin sent anything and puts his head in his hands.

“What are you doing, Matthew…?” he sighs to himself. He feels like he’s starting to slowly lose whatever is still left of his sanity since he’s not even caring about how he’s possibly putting himself and his members and friends in danger by talking to Hanbin like this instead of reporting him again. He doesn’t even know what Hanbin is capable of, or how far Hanbin is willing to go for him.

But what he does know for sure is that he is definitely not messaging Hanbin in private. Hanbin is seriously crazy for thinking that Matthew would ever do that.

It takes three days for Matthew to break.

On the first day, he goes to sleep and dreams of going on a stargazing date with a lover. They hold hands and giggle together about silly jokes, and when Matthew turns to kiss the person, he finally sees their face.

It’s Hanbin.

But the dream doesn’t suddenly turn into a horror-thriller with Matthew running away from him as fast as he can.

No, Matthew leans right in to kiss him on the cheek.

“I love you, Hambin hyung,” he says to Hanbin, who only holds him closer. “Thank you for choosing me.”

Even after being awake for a good four hours, Matthew jumps at every little sound he hears at the hair salon. Taerae asks him why he’s being so jumpy all of a sudden, and Matthew makes up a lie about having had a nightmare the previous night, which makes Taerae, and even Gyuvin who overheard, pat him on the head gently.

“Don’t be scared, Mashu,” Gyuvin says after a hairstylist tells him and Taerae to stop ruining Matthew’s hair so now both boys are patting Matthew's shoulders. “You have all of us to protect you from your nightmares.”

In reality, there’s no nightmare at all. He replays the kiss and Hanbin’s smile and the feeling of Hanbin’s touch in his mind so much that he forgets where he is and feels like he’s in a trance where the main reason for his happiness is Sung Hanbin.

On the second day, Matthew gets off in the shower when home alone, and part way through, his mind trails off to the image of Hanbin standing right behind him, one arm wrapped around Matthew’s body and one hand resting on his thigh, inching closer and closer to where he needs to be touched most—

And Matthew comes immediately.

It’s so much too, and it’s embarrassing having to clean up every last drop of it knowing that it was caused by the mere thought of Sung Hanbin’s hand barely touching him.

On the third day, he tries telling himself that he’s just acting weird because… well, Hanbin is an objectively attractive man, and Matthew’s brain is just choosing to think of the most handsome face he’s seen recently at the worst possible moments.

But then he’s checking Hanbin’s Twitter account again ‘just in case,’ and sees that his following count has gone up by six.

Matthew quickly goes to look and immediately finds that the six new accounts are all Myung Jaehyun fan accounts that post photos and videos of Jaehyun and his Weverse updates.

Matthew’s hands are in fists as he thinks of Hanbin no longer being his fan so he can go for Jaehyun now, following Jaehyun around, learning his favorite desserts, guessing what his ring size is, taking and editing photos of him, saving videos of him on his phone… Maybe if he hadn’t reported Hanbin and gotten him blacklisted, Hanbin wouldn’t even genuinely consider the possibility of other idols.

And now, Matthew is regretting ever getting Hanbin blacklisted in the first place.

At least if Hanbin was overstepping his boundaries with him, Matthew knew that Hanbin loved him.

But like this, he doesn’t even know if Hanbin still does.

He’s not even sure why he feels this way. He should be happy that Hanbin is slowly moving on and finding someone else to bother, but Matthew doesn’t want Hanbin to find someone else to bother.

Matthew realizes he’s going genuinely insane. He wants Hanbin to look at him, and no one else. He wants Hanbin to think of him when he wakes up and when he goes to sleep. He wants to visit Hanbin in every dream so that Hanbin never has a chance to dream of anyone else. He wants Hanbin to find his life’s purpose in him in a way that Hanbin will never be able to escape. He wants to make Hanbin recreate every fantasy he’s ever had about him. He wants to know everything about Hanbin, the way Hanbin already knows everything about him.

He wants Hanbin to love him.

These desires are so tempting that Matthew wants to cry because he doesn’t understand why he’s feeling this way at all when it’s so wrong. This isn't love. It's something sick and twisted, and yet Matthew still aches for it.

But he knows that he’ll only go crazier and crazier all on his own if he just sits around and doesn’t do anything about it. The only way to really figure out what the hell is wrong with him is to do something that he hopes he won’t regret later.

Typing Hanbin’s Kakao username into the search bar of the app, Matthew breathes in and sends a message.

is this sung hanbin?

The message comes right away.

Like Hanbin has been waiting.

seokmae-ya

you’re finally messaging hyung

you’re seriously crazy for giving me your kakao through bubble

you’re the one messaging me, jagiya

what do you want from hyung?

just

wanted to talk away from bubble

don’t lie to me.

i know that’s not the truth

i know that you’re lying

so let me ask you again. what do you want from hyung?

Matthew’s hands shake as he types. There’s no going back.

i’ve been dreaming about you hyung

no, fantasizing

so much

can we meet in person

i’ll let you do anything you want to me

if you’ll let me anything to you first

right now?

if you’re not busy

i’m home alone

Six minutes pass without a single reply.

They’re the longest six minutes of Matthew’s life.

And finally—

you look so cute right now, all stressed because you want hyung to see you

why do you think the teddy bear was my favorite gift?

there’s a camera in its left eye :)

it sends a live feed to my computer at home~

you spent hours in bed moping when i posted myung jaehyun

and i’ve seen how nervous you’ve been over the past few days

pacing around the room

throwing your phone across the bed

looking at hyung’s teddy bear all stressed as if you wanted me to make a move

you wouldn’t be so stressed if it was just to talk

and you’re so nervous now too

always so cute to watch

Matthew slowly looks up at the teddy bear with wide eyes. He should’ve known. Of course, Hanbin would take into account that Matthew would never in a million years throw away a stuffed animal. It’s the perfect trick…

it doesn’t matter if i’m busy

hyung will always make time for you, jagiya

i’ll be there in half an hour

stop trying to fix your hair. it looks cute just the way it is

Matthew stops running his hand through his hair and goes to the other side of his room to flip the teddy bear around. 

Hanbin shows up just half an hour later, already knowing what floor the dorm is on and which door to knock on, and Matthew isn’t the slightest bit surprised. He just opens the door, takes Hanbin by the arm, leads him into his bedroom, and immediately pushes Hanbin against the closed door.

Matthew puts his arms on either side of Hanbin’s shoulders to cage him in, and Hanbin just lets him, eyes focused on his and arms down by his sides.

“Why would you use the nickname for someone else?” Matthew asks.

Hanbin blinks. “You’re the only one that I call Seokmae.”

Matthew grits his teeth. “You know what I mean. You called him Myungjae. Instead of Jaehyun. I thought a nickname like that was only for me. You said the nicknames were only for each other. You lied.”

“Hyung didn’t lie to you, jagiya. You’re really the only one I care about,” Hanbin looks all over Matthew’s face and then the way he’s breathing so hard with poorly concealed anger. “I did it to make you jealous. It worked, right? You told everyone you’re jealous of me looking at someone else. But my words of love for you are what made you finally report me to the company, right?”

“I didn’t—” Matthew looks away. “It wasn't even my choice to report you. Hao hyung said we should, and I went with it. But I only reported you for the letter and the gift. Everything else between us stays between us.”

“You’re crazy, Seokmae-ya,” Hanbin laughs. “You asked hyung to come over to your bedroom and didn’t even call it off after you found out I’ve been watching you all along.”

Matthew feels his face heat up as he turns back to Hanbin. “Shut up. Shut up. It’s not right for you to do that. I’m getting rid of the teddy bear. I don’t care what happens to it anymore. I’m not letting you watch me anymore.”

“Okay.” Hanbin shrugs his shoulders. “Then, should I gift a hidden camera to Jaehyunnie—”

Matthew pulls Hanbin’s face mask off with one hand and leans in without warning to kiss him on the mouth. When he pulls away, Hanbin is looking at him in shock. “I told you to shut up,” Matthew growls. “The deal is that I get to do what I want to you first, and then you can do what you want with me. Got it?”

He doesn’t even let Hanbin answer. He starts kissing down Hanbin’s neck, unzipping his jacket and letting it fall down his shoulders so more skin is revealed. Hanbin moans as Matthew picks a spot along his collarbone to suck on, leaving a pretty and dark hickey.

“I brought you here because my heart has been doing some crazy things to me recently, hyung,” he says against Hanbin’s warm and pounding chest, fingers tracing the mark he’s left on Hanbin’s skin. “I dream of touching you and kissing you, and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m going insane because of it. I’m supposed to be scared of you, but my fear has been replaced with something else, and I don’t know what to call it. I just know it’s different.”

Matthew pulls away from his chest and looks him in the eyes. “Tell me, hyung. Did you also feel like you were going insane when you started following me around? Did it feel like your head was telling you one thing, but your heart was saying another?”

Matthew leans back in to kiss Hanbin again, and when he bites down on Hanbin’s lips, he loves that he can still taste the blood when he pulls away.

“Answer me now, hyung,” he breathes out. His thumb runs over the little bit of blood now stained on Hanbin’s lips. “Do you feel like your entire being is asking for me to take you? Do you get so angry when you see me looking at someone else that you want to cry until your body is out of tears? Do you dream of me being yours forever? Do you wish I would never ever get away from you ever again? What do you do about it? How do you live with yourself like this?”

Hanbin presses a kiss to Matthew’s thumb. “I tell myself that it’s love,” he answers, voice quiet. “And that one day, you’ll feel the same way.”

Matthew’s hands start to shake. “I feel it too, hyung. All of it, I feel it. I don’t want you to look at other boys. Don’t give them nicknames either. If you’re my fan, you come to see me, not anyone else. Don’t look at other boys just to try to make me jealous. If you tell me that I’m your one and only, then you have to treat me like it. If hating that you’re doing all this for other boys instead of me means that I feel the same way about you that you feel for me, then I do. I feel it.”

Matthew puts his hands on both sides of Hanbin’s face. Hanbin feels so warm and looks so red. Matthew loves that he’s the one who has made him this way.

“But you’re so pathetic, hyung, really,” Matthew sighs. “You act so confident when there’s a boundary between us, but now that you have me right in front of you with no one else to stop you, you can’t even make a move. I know I said we had a deal, but seriously, hyung, you’ve always acted like you own me. I thought you would have taken control by now. So pathetic that you’re letting me use you in the first place.”

Hanbin’s ears are bright red when Matthew falls to his knees and looks at Hanbin’s crotch before looking back up at his eyes. “Hyung, be honest with me. Have you ever had a pretty boy suck your dick before?”

Hanbin makes a face of surprise. “S-Seokmae-ya…”

“If you don’t want this, say it now and I’ll back off, hyung-ah.”

Instead of saying anything, Hanbin hurriedly unzips his jeans, and together, they pull down his pants and underwear. Matthew’s breath hitches when he finally sees how big Hanbin is.

He’s stuck for a second wondering how much of Hanbin he’ll even be able to fit when his mouth really isn’t all that big, but when he sees how Hanbin is already leaking, without even being touched there yet, Matthew decides he’s going to try as hard as he can. Unlike someone else in the room, Matthew isn’t a total coward.

Matthew wraps his hands around Hanbin’s cock, and he knows he gets told he has small hands a lot, but holy fucking shit.

Hanbin instantly hisses at the touch. His hands grip the sides of his shirt instead of touching Matthew, and Matthew rolls his eyes. Coward.

He pumps Hanbin a few times before pressing his tongue flat against the tip. Hanbin lets out a loud moan and instinctively thrusts forward, but Matthew takes one hand off to hold Hanbin’s hip back against the door.

“People will never believe you when you tell them Seok Matthew gave you a blowjob,” Matthew tells him. He licks Hanbin’s dick up from the base to the tip and sucks on the tip for a little again before popping back off. “Are you going to lie when people ask who your most recent sexual experience was with? Will you say it was a stranger who you don’t remember or will you tell them the truth and have everyone call you a delusional liar? Hm, hyung?”

Hanbin only leans his head back and hits the door with another moan.

“Hyung,” Matthew whines. His hand goes still at the base as he takes a few inches of Hanbin’s dick in his mouth and bobs up and down on him before pulling off, a string of saliva connecting his lips to Hanbin’s tip. “You of all people should know how much I don’t like it when people ignore me. I guess you don’t know me at all like you claim you do…”

It’s then that Hanbin reaches down to pull Matthew by his hair to go back on his cock, taking him all of the way this time. It takes Matthew by surprise. He can feel Hanbin hitting the back of his throat now, and it makes tears prick his eyes.

“No.” Hanbin sounds angry now. Matthew’s dick twitches in his pants. “I know you better than anyone else. I know you better than all of your other fans and even better than your group members.”

Matthew tries to pull off to say something, but Hanbin holds him in place.

“Don’t try to tell me your members know you better than me, Seokmae-ya. Do they know you like teasing your stalker on Bubble to keep following you even if could put the rest of them in danger? Do they know you like sucking your stalker’s dick when they don’t even know I’m in their home? Do they know you fantasize about your stalker fucking you in secret?”

At that, Hanbin lets go of Matthew’s hair, and Matthew pulls off, cheeks red and heart pounding.

“H-hyung, I don’t—”

“Don’t lie to me. I know you. Why else would you contact me to meet up, hm?”

Matthew’s entire body feels like it’s burning. He doesn’t know how to defend himself at that moment because Hanbin is right. He’s not just trying to figure out what he feels. He wants all of Hanbin, and he wants Hanbin to have him too. What more is there to say now?

Instead of saying anything, Matthew only wraps his lips around Hanbin’s cock again and takes as much as he can without choking as he finally gets to properly suck him off.

It’s the most difficult blowjob he’s ever given because Hanbin is just way too big, and it’s like Hanbin doesn’t even know how to control his hips from moving so much, but thankfully Hanbin comes pretty quickly, and Matthew quickly swallows every last drop and grabs onto Hanbin’s arm to hoist himself back on his feet.

This time, it’s Hanbin who kisses him, one hand on the back of Matthew’s head and the other on his shirt collar to keep him close.

When Hanbin pulls away, he rests his forehead against Matthew’s and closes his eyes.

“I want you so badly,” Hanbin says, sweaty and out of breath. “Every part of you. For the rest of my life. Without you, I have—no, I am nothing. You said I get to have you do anything I want now too, right? Here’s what I want, Seokmae-ya. Love me back.” His voice breaks. “Tell me you love me. Tell me it was all worth it to get to this point. Tell me I made the right choice doing all of this for you.”

Matthew pulls away from Hanbin’s forehead and puts his hands on either side of his face again to look at him properly. Hanbin’s lips are red, his cheeks are red, and his ears are red, and Matthew decides at that exact moment that red is his new favorite color.

Hanbin’s eyes are watery as he looks back at Matthew.

Is he crying from the orgasm or from wanting Matthew to tell him that he loves him back? It doesn’t matter. To Matthew, it’s all the same. He doesn’t even know if he’s sure what love is anymore. Is love going on stargazing dates and making each other laugh while walking hand in hand? Or is it enjoying that the man who spent so much time stalking him and secretly watching him in his bedroom is now crying because all he wants is for Matthew to say three little words back to him like it’s all that matters to him?

Matthew smiles. Love will just have to be whatever he makes it.

“I love you, Hambin hyung,” he says. The words roll right off his tongue. “Thank you for choosing me.”

A tear falls down Hanbin’s cheek, and Matthew swipes it right off with his bloodied thumb.

“Go home now. I don’t want the members to see you.”

Later that night, Matthew lies wide awake in bed. He can hear someone making coffee in the kitchen and someone else watching the TV in the living room with the volume up a little too loud for one in the morning.

The members don’t even know that just hours before, Sung Hanbin walked through that same living room and past the kitchen to come to see him. They also don’t know that Hanbin will probably be coming back more times behind their backs.

Matthew doesn’t even feel ashamed about it. There’s just something so thrilling about having a secret so big to keep from everyone. Maybe something in him has changed, just like something in Hanbin did all that time ago, and it’s finally time to accept the change instead of trying to pass it off as something reasonable.

Matthew and Hanbin’s relationship becomes very interesting from that point on.

Hanbin continuously messages Matthew to tell him whether he looks better with or without the jackets he wears in the middle of livestreams, and Matthew will always take the jacket off if Hanbin thinks he looks better without it, but he puts his phone on Do Not Disturb once Hanbin starts saying that he would look better entirely shirtless and with his body covered in oil.

He tells Matthew what he’s eating for every meal and although he never says it, Matthew knows that Hanbin wants him to send back a photo of him eating the same thing, so Matthew does. He never even has to go out and buy it. It's always something that Matthew already has in the kitchen. He even sends Hanbin an “I love you” message once in a while.

He asks Matthew to send him nudes when he wants them and somehow always seems to ask when Matthew is in the middle of a schedule. Matthew always waits until he’s back home to send anything, and despite him finding it a bit annoying at first when he gets these messages in public, he soon finds himself feeling excited on his rides home because he knows Hanbin is probably aching, waiting for him, instead of going to someone else for photos.

When the company changes the rules so that fan gifts are no longer accepted year-round and now only around the members' birthdays, Hanbin can no longer send Matthew gifts under a fake name and fake address, so he messages Matthew every time he sends a gift to the dorm instead of to the company building. Matthew has to go grab the package and pretend it’s something he bought online if any of the members ask. The gifts are usually love letters and matching outfits. They’re sometimes discreetly taken photos of Matthew in public.

Matthew doesn’t really message Hanbin without Hanbin texting first. He only contacts Hanbin when he’s horny enough to ask Hanbin to meet up for sex.

For a good while, it's just fully clothed blowjobs and handjobs, but one day Matthew is so needy that he gets both himself and Hanbin fully undressed and lays in bed with his legs open in front of Hanbin.

Hanbin doesn’t even need Matthew to tell him where the lube is in his room because of course he doesn’t. But when he reaches for the pocket of his pants, Matthew stops him.

“W-wait,” Matthew says. He’s incredibly embarrassed all of a sudden to say this so it takes him a few seconds, but—“Don’t wear a condom, hyung. I mean, you’re not seeing anyone else, right? I’m clean, and it’s been a while for me anyway, so…”

Hanbin looks a little hurt. “Seokmae-ya, you know you’re the only one for me.” His hands rub up and down Matthew’s bare waist which makes Matthew shiver under his touch. “Do you really think hyung cares about anyone other than you? That I would do something like this with anyone but you?”

Matthew turns red. He hates how Hanbin isn’t as much of a loser as Matthew makes him out to be all the time. “I was just making sure, hyung…”

“Ah, I see what this is,” Hanbin says with a laugh. “My jagi is still upset about Jaehyun, right?”

Matthew feels himself turn more red. “Hyung, if you’re just going to tease and bring up other boys’ names, then I’m not letting you put your dick in me.”

Minutes later after Matthew is properly stretched, Hanbin is finally pushing in, and Matthew is about to ask him to wait a bit for him to adjust since he’s never had someone this big, but that’s when he notices how Hanbin himself looks like he needs a minute too, which amuses Matthew.

“Hyung~” He giggles as Hanbin’s hands move to his side. “Do I really feel that good?”

Hanbin lets out a shaky breath and nods. “Y-yes.”

“You haven’t even moved yet, though.” Matthew moves up a bit since he feels ready now and it makes Hanbin’s cock pull out just a tiny bit, and Hanbin hisses and grips Matthew’s waist hard to keep him in place.

“Fuck, baby, wait, I need—I’ve never—”

It’s then that Matthew’s smile drops, and he chokes. “Hyung, you’re a virgin?!”

Hanbin’s ears are so, so red as he avoids eye contact. “Well, not anymore…”

Matthew wants to scold Hanbin for not telling him something so important and ask why the fuck he even carries a condom with him in the first place, but that feeling of shock is soon replaced with a feeling of satisfaction because he’s Hanbin’s first. It doesn’t matter what happens in the future because Hanbin will never, ever be able to forget him, even if one day he chooses to try. Even if one day he decides he wants to stalk other idols. Matthew will always be his first.

Matthew smirks and removes Hanbin’s hands from his waist before wrapping his legs around Hanbin’s waist and pulling him closer.

“For having such a big dick, you’re so useless, hyung,” Matthew says with a sigh.

Hanbin groans and tries to hold Matthew in place again, but Matthew holds his hands down on either side of him on the bed and tries his best to keep moving up and down on his dick little by little.

“Come on, hyung, move already…” Matthew sighs again. “Everyone else I’ve ever slept with starts going right away…”

Hanbin finally looks him in the eyes. He looks pissed. Beyond pissed, actually. It’s like it’s only just now hitting him that Matthew isn’t a virgin like him. Hanbin’s voice is quiet yet angry when he speaks. Matthew loves it. “Everyone else you’ve ever slept with?”

Matthew keeps playing innocent and smiles. “Yeah, what can I say? Men love me.”

Hanbin pulls out almost all the way before slamming back in.

Matthew cries out and lets go of Hanbin’s hands to reach up to his shoulders. “H-hyung…”

“How many?” Hanbin asks. He starts to thrust into Matthew very slowly. Too slowly for Matthew’s liking. “How many other men have felt you like this?”

“Hyung, faster… Please…”

Hanbin doesn’t go faster. In fact, he goes even slower. “Do you remember their names? Do you remember how they felt? Did you let any of them fuck you more than once?”

When Matthew doesn’t answer and only lets out breathy moans, Hanbin reaches forward and pinches his nipple.

Matthew cries. “Hyung, please. I want it faster. Please, please, please—”

“Answer hyung’s questions, Seokmae-ya, or else I won’t give you what you want.”

Matthew can hardly think like this, but he still manages to get out an “I don’t know. Stop making me think about other guys right now, hyung-ah.”

Hanbin’s gaze is dark as he looks down at Matthew. “Right now? You don’t want to think about those other guys right now?” He laughs, and it sends a shiver down Matthew’s spine. “You want hyung to go faster? All right. Hyung will fuck you so good you’ll never remember anyone else for the rest of your life.”

Matthew just barely thinks of telling Hanbin that he’s one to talk when he looks at other idols and doesn’t even hide it, but that single thought flies right out of his head as Hanbin starts thrusting into him roughly.

“Hyung—” Matthew’s hands crawl up to Hanbin’s chest. “Ah, ah, hyung, hyung, Hambin hyung—”

Hanbin leans down close to Matthew’s ear. “I’m going to knock you up,” he says. “If I put a baby in you, you’ll never be able to leave me, right?”

Matthew only whines and takes whatever Hanbin gives him.

“You should be grateful you’re not a girl. Then you’d really be stuck with hyung, having to carry my babies and being my wife. I’d never let you out of my grip.”

All it takes is for Hanbin to start sucking on Matthew’s nipples for Matthew to come all over them both. Hanbin keeps fucking him despite Matthew’s sensitivity and soon comes inside him, even pushing his cum back in when it starts to drip out.

Matthew whines at the feeling of Hanbin’s finger pushing back in. “Hyung, I’m not a girl… You don’t even have to—”

Hanbin pushes it in harder, and Matthew’s hands scramble from his sides to push Hanbin’s hand away. He’s still way too sensitive for this. “Doesn’t mean you should be ungrateful for what hyung gives you, you brat.”

Jiwoong waves Matthew over from down the hallway when Matthew walks past in search of the manager.

“Hi, hyung!” Matthew greets.

“Hi, Matthew-ya. You haven’t had any people bother you anymore since we blacklisted that one guy, right? In-person or on Bubble or Mnet Plus or anything like that?”

Matthew shakes his head. “No bothering at all! There's nothing for you to look into. If anything, I’m the one doing all the bothering.”

Jiwoong laughs and pats him on the head.

“And while I’m here, how are you and Hao hyung doing?” Matthew asks while hiding his amusement.

Jiwoong chokes.

“Jagiya.” Hanbin’s hands run up and down the expanse of Matthew’s bare back. He’s balls deep into Matthew’s ass from behind, and moving ever so slowly in and out of him. “Open Bubble and tell your fans how good of a time you’re having right now.”

Matthew’s face burns red which he is beyond glad Hanbin can’t see with their current positions. “Wh-what?”

Hanbin thrusts particularly hard into Matthew just once which makes the younger cry out and makes his thighs shake. “You heard me. Do it while you’re taking hyung so well like this. You like how hyung fucks you, right? If you don't want hyung to slow down, go post on Bubble."

Matthew manages to grab his phone from across the bed, and his Face ID doesn’t even want to work because of how disheveled he looks and how badly he’s shaking, so he has to type in his password. Three times. The first time, Hanbin leans down to kiss his ear, and Matthew presses a few wrong numbers because of it and has to try to backspace a bunch. The second time, Hanbin starts thrusting hard into him and Matthew almost accidentally dials the emergency number.

“You’re so slow at this, jagiya,” Hanbin says. Matthew is just barely opening Bubble, and his elbows are killing him. “With how much you talk on Bubble, I thought you would be a little faster than this. You always talk so much, but now, you can’t.”

It’s like the letters on the screen are too small. Matthew manages to type two words before he shuts his eyes tightly and tries to breathe steadily, but he just can’t because Hanbin feels so good and is hitting all the perfect spots inside of him—

“Seokmae-ya, aren’t you going to tell them how much you love taking your hyung’s cock from behind?”

Matthew whimpers and drops his phone.

Hanbin tsks. “What a good idol you are, leaving your fans hanging for some dick.”

“I feel like you’re keeping secrets from me, Matthew-ya,” Taerae says one afternoon in his room. He’s playing video games that Matthew knows nothing about but likes to watch nonetheless because it’s fun and it usually keeps the younger members from bothering them when they want some peace and quiet. “Stop touching that.”

Matthew pouts and lets go of the computer mouse charging cable. “Sorry. And I don’t have any secrets right now.”

Taerae wins the round and finally turns to look at Matthew. “Are you dating someone?”

“Me? Dating?” Matthew’s eyes widen. “No way. You know you’d be the first person I told if I was even interested in someone like that.”

It’s the truth. Taerae is one of his best friends. If Matthew had to tell only one person in the group about being in a relationship, it would be him. But Hanbin is obviously a secret that he has to keep from everybody, no matter what. Besides, it’s not a relationship like that. It’s just… something else entirely. If there’s a proper word for it, Matthew doesn’t know what it is, but it’s definitely not the kind of relationship that Taerae is envisioning.

Taerae squints at him. “Hm, I still feel like something is up with you. Something is different.”

“Well, I did finally organize my closet. No more random boxes all on the ground.”

Taerae puts his hand up for a high-five, and Matthew giggles as their hands meet. “That’s great, Matthew-ya! Really. It’s been so messy for so long because you’ve been spending all of your money on anime.”

Matthew purposely waits a solid three seconds before telling Taerae that the next round of his game has already started. He really gets a kick out of watching Taerae turn around and scramble to get his hands back on the keyboard.

“That’s what you get for calling me messy, Taerae-ya~”

“This is your fault! I’m going to lose my rank because of you!”

Matthew angrily knocks on the front door of Hanbin’s apartment one night. It’s got to be around two in the morning, and most people are probably asleep now. Matthew knows that his members are but that Hanbin isn’t.

Hanbin opens the door, looking way too surprised to see him standing there as if he didn’t straight-up move into the same building so they’d be able to see each other more often with less trouble.

Wordlessly, Matthew lets himself in and waits for Hanbin to close and lock the door before speaking.

“You liked a picture of Jaehyun on Twitter just now,” Matthew says.

“I did?”

“You have some nerve acting like you don’t know, hyung.” Matthew pulls Hanbin toward the couch, pushes him on it, and starts pulling off Hanbin’s sweatpants. “I’m going to show you who you belong to. Maybe then you’ll finally stop looking at other boys when you have me right in front of you.”

“Wait, Seokmae-ya,” Hanbin starts once he’s completely naked from the waist down, and now Matthew is undressing himself too. “I ran out of—”

“Lube? I know. You never remember to replace things when they run out, hyung. I had to bring my own from home. It’s like you’re not even the older one, seriously.” Matthew positions himself over Hanbin, but when Hanbin puts his hands on Matthew’s bare waist, Matthew pushes his hands away. “No. You’re going to lay there without touching me and watch me finger myself. If you control yourself and don’t come by the time I’m done, I’ll ride you.”

Hanbin moans at the mention of riding. “Jagiya, come on…”

Matthew shakes his head. “You should’ve thought twice before liking another boy’s pictures.” He starts to warm up the lube on his fingers and watches as Hanbin’s eyes are stuck on the movement of his fingers. “You don’t even follow the account who posted the photos. So how did you find them? Tell me.”

“I don’t know—”

Matthew pushes two fingers into himself. “Yes, you do. Stop lying. You know I hate when you lie to me, hyung. Tell the truth or I’ll leave and you’ll have to go find someone out there who wants a pathetic loser like you. Remember I only want you because something’s wrong with me. I don’t think there’s anyone else in the world who is fucked-up enough to be in my position.”

Hanbin groans. “I looked for it and liked it on purpose to rile you up.”

Matthew sighs. “I knew it.”

Hanbin likes to pretend he’s always the one in power, but he’s really not. He’ll never admit it out loud, but Matthew knows the truth. Hanbin likes it when Matthew forces himself on him, and he only puts an end to it when his ego takes over.

Matthew reaches forward with his free hand and starts pumping Hanbin’s cock at a painfully slow pace, just the way he knows Hanbin hates it. “You think you can play with me, hyung, but you’re wrong.” He lets go of Hanbin’s cock just as he’s getting hard. “Just for that, I’m not touching you anymore. I’m not letting you touch yourself either so don’t even try or I’ll leave.”

Hanbin starts begging for even the slightest touch from him. Matthew smiles.

ZB1 releases their third album in May and films a few variety shows the week before.

It’s halfway through the filming for Weekly Idol that Matthew gets asked the question.

“Matthew-ssi, how would you describe romance?”

Everyone turns to him, and Matthew thinks.

Can what he and Hanbin have be considered romance? He’s thought about it a few times ever since they started seeing each other. Maybe. Maybe not. Matthew doesn’t know.

But what he does know is that he hates thinking that Hanbin could be looking at other idols so much to the point where he monitors Hanbin’s following list and likes to make sure he’s not looking at anyone other than him. He knows he likes acting like a brat until Hanbin finally snaps and uses his big dick on him the way it’s supposed to be used. He knows he lies to the members about going to the gym when in reality, he’s going three floors up to see Hanbin after the older is pissed off because he let one of the boys kiss him on the cheek in a YouTube video.

Matthew used to be a bit of a romantic. He used to dream of shy confessions, first dates, anniversary dinners, meeting parents, imagining having a family one day, and having loving moments everywhere in between.

Now, all he wants is for Hanbin to never be able to leave him.

He’s sure Hanbin won’t. Because even if one day, Hanbin woke up and wanted to leave, Matthew would never let him. But that won’t ever happen. Hanbin is stuck with him just as much as Matthew is stuck with Hanbin. All it takes is an “I love you,” and it doesn’t even matter if Matthew tries to make it sound like it’s real or not. It fills Hanbin up all the same.

“I’m really not sure what romance is, to be honest,” Matthew says. “But it’s got to be about finding the one person who fits you the best, right? Everyone is different, and everyone has different things that they care about, but if you find the person who understands you and wants the same things in life, then you can find romance in a relationship like that.”

The members and the MCs clap for him.

“Woahhhh, so mature, hyung!” Gunwook pats him on the back.

“Very wise too, Matthew-ssi,” one of the MCs agrees. “I think a lot of viewers will think of your words and apply them to their own relationships. You’re right. Everyone is different, and we aren’t all looking for the same thing. You should give out more love advice!”

Matthew wants to laugh. If only they knew.