Chapter Text
When her twenty-one-birthday passed, Suji expected it all to stop. One year of college in, she was able to make it like what happened in the happy class never did.
On the outside, at least.
She worked as hard as she could and with time, became one of the top students. She had small jobs, to help her mom and would crawl into bed until everything was done and perfect. Still, Suji would sometimes wake up in cold sweat, dry throat, tears shedding everywhere, finding her phone and the pyramid shaped app. It was harder to sleep after. That night, the next and the nights after.
She expected it to stay, at least until the end of high school.
At least as long she lived with her mom.
“Is it all of your stuff?” Jaeun asks.
It's a hot day, the air is hard to breathe, windows opened, no traces of wind.
Cardboard boxes scattered on the floor, a bed. Single.
Suji is sat on it, eyes on the bottom of the closet, refolding clean laundry.
“It’s more than enough for me.” She tries to respond casually, but her voice is rough, and her ears are the same color as her hair.
Okay… At first, the idea of living with her was nothing but a logical decision.
Financially, she knew that renting a place alone would have been too much for her, and with how close the apartment was to her college… When Jaeun asked her if she wanted to share the place she wanted to buy, she couldn’t say no. They signed on a Thursday; a two-rooms-one-bathroom place that was close to everything especially the local that Jaeun wanted to make as her own center. Not now but still… What a good opportunity.
“It’ll be like an everyday sleepover.” Jiae said with excitement when she learned about it. Suji ended up realizing that for most people, friendly cohabitation wasn’t such a big deal for them. The fact that they went through harsher than laundry and taxes was a plus.
Still… with a tad of shame she kept overthinking it.
It made her so anxious. Enough to call Yerim, who wasn’t alone: next to her, in the bed was Eunjeong scrolling on her phone, quietly listening to Suji’s anxious ramblings. “Honestly, I thought you were both already dating for a while now.” Eunjeong commented at the end of the rant. Suji could hear Yerim scolding her behind the phone, with a tap on the shoulder and few words masked with an awkward laugh.
After the call and for the entire night, she felt like melting into the soft fabric of her mattress, inside of her room, desperately trying to contain herself in one place and one state of mind. She thought about high school.
Before and after Jaeun. Before and after the games, knowing all memories were stuck together (she knew she wouldn’t sleep after that). With the fall of the game, her and Jaeun finally had time to act foolish, about their relationships. That’s how Yerim started to officially date at the end of second year, and with all that, Suji also started to notice that her closeness with Jaeun wasn’t much different as their two friends – in a romantic relationship – was.
With that, Suji started pretending to have less time to think. About how different it felt to hold her hand when it wasn’t bruised, how much she wanted to hug her when she wasn’t shaking. To comfort her, to protect her and appreciate her each day that would come and the next. In a sense Eunjeong wasn’t wrong, they were so close to dating, with few commodities: Suji had no idea if Jaeun felt the same as her.
Now, weeks later, in their new bedroom. Jaeun seems surprised at the sight of so few boxes that arrived from Suji’s place, most that’s already opened and cleared. Her red hair is tied away from her face with an oddly colorful scrunchie (Jiae’s for sure), and her cheeks are flushed from building the bed so early in the morning. Jaeun sits on it, close enough to Suji to breathe her deodorant and watches with an admirative eye her roommate’s plan of their wardrobe space. Two words: tidy and logical.
Living with Suji makes Jaeun’s head turn. It’s like she can’t get used to the idea.
“You know I’m not rich.” Suji adds to her first response. It’s true. She still has a fair amount of clothes which perfectly fits her side of the closet and some other furniture from her old room that she now shares with her. Along with college stuff and an abnormal number of shoes, Suji already thought this was a lot.
Jaeun accepts it like that, with a nod as she lies down on the bed.
Suji endures it, every thought in the silence of their room. She notices the lavender shirt she’s wearing and her hair – now to her shoulder – spreads on the clean sheets. She wonders how the shirt would fit on her skin (a lot bigger, probably) and how it would smell like. While Jaeun closes her eyes and rests, Suji feels humbled by her current reactions, as air falls silky on the top of her upper lip.
“Do you want it?” Jaeun asks.
“What?”
“This side, of the bed.”
“…Oh.”
“We didn’t agree on that yet.” She says, eyes still closed.
Suji takes a new silent breath. “True.” She responds.
There’s a long blank, enough for Jaeun to get up and open her eyes.
Suji gets up as fast as she can, holding her jelly legs in balance against the closet’s door. She doesn’t recall feeling like that, ever. It makes her want to dissolve into the floor.
But “I don’t mind.” she says instead. “I have to go; I have a shift at the coffee shop.”
There’s another blank again but this time, both are staring at each other.
Jaeun looks confused, Suji seems upset. Why would she be upset?
“Okay, I’ll see you later.” She responds.
Before she even says goodbye, Suji is gone, and the air feels empty again.
They all meet up at a bar next to Suji’s job to eat and drink.
It’s only eight, Jiae is already tipsy from the one beer she had with Jaehyong when Suji arrives with her uniform still in her bag. Yerim follows, masked from head to toe. She asks them to get placed at the back when she notices small talk from few customers, which they do, and Suji sits next to her. There’s at least two rounds of beers and snacks on the bill when finally, Jaeun arrives from her late cat-inside-a-car emergency. She is in her work shirt, covered in oil motor and her face is fresh, some hair still wet. She sits next to Jaehyong (who saved the chair on purpose) and responds to the warm hugs she gives her. Jiae doesn’t wait for her to complain about her day for the fourth time in a row now.
True to herself, Jaeun listens religiously while there’s another discussion going on silently. In the back of the table, Yerim looks at Suji right in the eye, which makes her almost choke on her beer. Her phone vibrates on the table. how’s the first day going on?
Suji responds with a look that means everything.
Awful. She types back, which makes Yerim sigh.
There is a lot to say, a lot that she doesn’t want to type, to see on a screen.
god… how are you gonna handle tonight then? Suji receives back.
From what everyone knows at this table, it takes a lot for Suji to cry.
Yet this is with wet eyes that Suji looks at Yerim again, so she knows her answer.
I don’t know.
Deep down, Suji knows that by asking, Yerim means well. She’s the type of person that thinks her friends’ problems are hers too, so if she’s able to, she will help them.
But Suji isn’t Yerim and Jaeun isn’t Eunjeong. As much as she knows about loving a friend that is so close and far at the same time (although this was more of Eunjeong’s knowledge than hers), there was something more that made Suji felt sick in the stomach. Something that no one– not even Suji could really understand nor express.
And she hated that, knowing that after all the hell they went through, her own feelings were the one menacing the friendship they both cherished. She hated how embarrassed she felt about it, showing up with feelings concealed in your back pocket. Thinking you’re hiding it so well (so much that you even forget them, too) before realizing the pocket became smaller and started to be filled with holes.
The table is overflowing with noises, most are made by both Jaehyong and Jiae bickering, clinking glasses, and munching crisps while Jaeun sits, looking all calm and relaxed.
In between conversations, she manages to look at Suji and Yerim calling for a first round of soju. They both looks composed, but something feels weird, because she knows it won’t be their last.
At the park, where she usually goes to rest before college, Suji hears that whistle again.
It’s night and a suffocating breeze strokes her face. Normally Suji would look at the hour on her phone, maybe call someone – a taxi, anything – but she can’t. When she checks for her bag, it’s nowhere to be found. Her pockets are also empty.
She is in her night’s shirts and shorts.
Her head turns when she hears that sound again, Suji looks at the ground and notices her feet bare on the wet road. “What the hell…” She let go, feeling the damp asphalt on her heels while the streetlights flickers in her eyes.
“Why did you drink so much?” Someone asks, but she can’t see who.
“I don’t know.” She hears, and it’s her voice, but it’s not.
Her mouth is shut. Face down. Tears in her eyes.
“Okay… Because I was worried, you know.”
There’s silence again, then whistles, sly and longing.
Sounds like it’s not made of air, feels like it’s never ending.
“What… what are you talking about…?” Drunk Suji responds in the dark.
The one inside the park stays put, it’s like she can’t even move.
“Was it really a good idea to live together?” The unknown voice cracks, then Suji realizes.
“You know… when I asked you to live with me… I really hoped that you’d say yes because you wanted to. But now, now…” She takes a breath, voice shaking. “Now it feels like I forced you into something you don’t feel comfortable to do… and I feel sor—”
Before Suji (any of them) can respond, the voice blurs itself on the edges, as much as her memories of the night. Suji is still outside, feeling the light and the pavement, but she sees Jaeun in their home.
She looks hurt while carrying her, so hurt Suji could cry.
Suji sees the room and feels the comfort of the mattress on her back. Still, she’s outside and lights are off. On her legs feels like hundreds of bugs crawls towards her back.
Can’t move. Can’t talk. Just feel.
Just hear, the whistles approach her with horror. With one meaning.
“Were you waiting for me?” Daeyon asks.
Her face is all deformed by memory, traits enhanced but the voice and green streaks are the same. Suji now wears her uniform (the one she burned at the end of high school); it’s soaked with mop water. “Feeling heated Seong Suji? Did you hurt your girlfriend?”
There are class noises behind her now. All that Suji wants is to kick Daeyon in the teeth.
Go fuck yourself, she thinks, but her mind is slow and the punch too fast. Daeyon hits the top of her right cheek; the impact makes her fall like a toddler.
Suji notices a grin when she drags her by the hair, but the pain is intense, she can’t do anything. It pulls her brains out as she tries to defend herself, suffocating. She feels both the pressure of the dirty shoe and her face on ground.
She smells rain, and there this laugh, and the whistle again.
Suji screams. For real this time.
There is a small light passing through the windows but without it, the room is in total darkness. At first, she doesn’t see who gets up at the sound of her scream, then she hears her voice. “Are you okay!?” Jaeun says mortified.
Suji feels hands on her arms then notices pajamas, messy hair and worried looks.
She gasps for air, shaking, tears fall both on the sheets and in her hands.
“Oh no…” Suji says, covering her sobs with her hands.
She runs into the bathroom and close the door behind her. It is small and way too white, the light is faded and yellow when she turns it on, yet she gets spooked by her own reflection; wrinkled pajama, a tired– terrorized face, all wet with tears and hair going everywhere. A look in the mirror and everything Suji tries to hide falls apart.
She rests on the sink and catch her breath. “Can I open the door?”
Jaeun knocks three time and calls her name until she responds.
“No. Don’t come please.”
“Ah… It’s not that. Suji, I really want to pee.”
So she opens the door instantly.
Jaeun takes a step back seeing Suji like this. She’s crying but she looks angry.
She’s angry probably because she’s sad or hurt. Makes Jaeun’s stomach flip.
“Go ahead.” She says as she starts leaving the bathroom, but Jaeun stops her.
“What? Didn’t you…?” Suji looks at the toilet sit. “I lied.” responds Jaeun.
That’s new. Suji thinks, visibly taken aback. “Okay…” She sighs.
They’re facing each-other and now… It feels more like a fight than anything.
Suji gets bribes of memories from the night; she can only feel guilt inside of her stomach.
Yet Jaeun doesn’t seem mad at her, she knows why, she so rarely gets mad at people. It’s almost as the only person she can hate is herself. Suji hates it, even more now than ever. Jaeun deserves to be mad at her… but she doesn’t.
Instead, she pulls Suji into a hug.
Jaeun’s hug is awkward, both can feel it. There, she can smell the fragrance her shampoo and the slight sent of beer on her skin, Suji starts getting worried about reeking of soju and sweat. It doesn’t to matter because when Jaeun hears sniffs again, she pulls Suji even closer to her.
Suji can’t remember the last time she was hugged, so much that she doesn’t understand how it works and how to give it back. Her hands fall in the length of her body, she notices how tall Jaeun feels like that, with her arms around her shoulders.
“I’m an awful roommate.” Suji starts. “I’m sorry.”
“What? Don’t be… I get those too sometimes.”
She can feel how small Jaeun tries to make herself so she can be more comfortable, Suji remembers feeling it before; at school while sharing desks, in a bus, during sleepovers. In her nightmare, she’s almost sure that she felt it in the bed too, curled on herself to never touch. Now Jaeun’s breathing falls to the side of Suji’s neck. Suji’s head is warm, when she glances at the sight of the mirror, Jaeun looks like she’s about to fucking melt off.
“How many times do you get them?” Suji asks out of the blue.
Doesn’t take a while for Jaeun to answer, she knows, she’s used to.
“Once every month maybe.”
“On Thursdays?”
Jaeun nods. “Jiae probably gets them too.” She says, trying to reassure Suji.
“I know… I know.”
Jaeun’s chin rests on Suji’s head for a moment while her face is deeply concealed under her friend’s shirt. Her voice resonates deeply when she talks.
“I’m sorry Suji, I should have really asked.”
“No… You got it all wrong…” Suji tries to explain while facing her soft gaze. Her heart beats like crazy. Like she’s about to die. “I…” She starts but hardly finishes. Jaeun waits kindly for her to finds the words. It must be five in the morning outside of this bathroom.
But inside of it, seconds lasts hours and words are so hard to find that crying and babbling seems the maturest choice. It’s a hell of a scenario the neighbors must listen too: Seong Suji, twenty-one years old, originally a mature and composed young adult, is crying like a baby in her best-friend’s arms.
Suji tries to stop it but more she tries to fix it the harder she cries, to the point of numbness. Her whole faces feel covered with dots, she hardly feels Jaeun petting her knotted hair, still she feels like one of those rescued pets stuck inside a car. She can’t get out, no matter how much she tries, there Suji finally admits it.
Maybe she needs her to get out.
She needs to be held, to be cared for.
Suji loves Jaeun, and she wants to be loved back in the same way. She knows it makes her feel ashamed, it makes her feel weak to want something she might never have and couldn’t complain not having. One thing that she knows is that she can’t keep hiding it down and pretend to be brave.
She isn’t. In fact, she has never been so afraid in years.
“I love you so much Jaeun.” She cries. “I love you so much I can’t handle it.”