Chapter Text
“I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river,” a voice spoke close to my ear, flipping the page to a small book while I curled up in their lap. I snuggled closer, pressing my tiny face against a soft chest, my fingers clinging to the well worn fabric of an old t-shirt. The warmth of their body felt so familiar and yet… so distant. “I love you across the river and over the hills,” the voice read again, their tone soft and lilting. Melodic. It was soothing, comforting to the point of instilling drowsiness, but I didn’t want to sleep. I fought to keep my tired eyes open because I feared this moment ending. This moment of blissful comfort and… love. I shifted to get closer, but when I looked up to see their face my vision blurred. I could only make out purple hair and a few muddled features that blended and twisted to the point of being unrecognizable no matter how much I focused.
“I love you right up to the moon and back, Powder,” the voice whispered and their breath brushed against my hair just before a soft kiss was placed against the crown of my head. A deep sense of belonging and home washed over me and I once again had to fight to stay awake. My small hands squeezed tighter, stubbornly clinging to consciousness, but it was to no avail. My breathing began to slow and my eyes slipped closed and soon I was-
“Where’s mama?” I cried, tugging at my sister’s shirt while tears spilled from my eyes. “Where’s daddy?” My sister stood at the stove, stirring a pot of mac’n’cheese because she’d promised she’d make me my favorite for dinner tonight and my sister always kept her promises. Her face was etched with worry, her jaw tight and lips pressed into a thin line.
“I don’t know, Pow. They probably just got held up. Traffic or something,” my sister answered, but she didn’t sound too convinced and I only grew more agitated.
“But they said they’d tuck me in,” I whined, pressing my face into my sister’s side to shamelessly wipe tears and snot on her shirt.
Vi looked up at the clock, her brow knitting tightly together before she managed to smooth it out again and offer me a strained smile. “I know, Pow Pow. But if they don’t make it, I’ll tuck you in. I can read you that story you like, the one about the rabbits.”
“Can’t we go look for them?”
“They said we should stay put, Pow,” Vi hedged, again glancing at the clock. She seemed to think the idea over for a bit before deciding. “How about we eat dinner and if they still aren’t back, we can go over to Vander’s and see if he knows what’s up? But you have to stay close to me, okay-”
“Powder!” my sister cried, her arms sweeping around me, pulling my face into her chest. It was too late. I’d already seen it. Seen them. Their glassy eyes, vacantly staring at an orange splashed sky, choked with smoke. Faces stained red, the cloying smell of copper and gunpowder. Vi was carrying me away now, humming softly amidst broken sobs into my ear. But it was too late. I’d already seen. Too late, too late, too late toolatetoolatetoolatetoolate.
“Powder, wake up!” Lux cried, cupping my cheek in one hand while swiping away the hair plastered against my sweaty forehead. I could only blink up at her, my breath coming in ragged pants as if I’d been running for miles. Crystal blue eyes looked down at me, filled with worry. Fucking great. Another nightmare. The same one that never liked to leave me alone no matter how much time passed or how many hours I’d spent crying to my therapist. I swallowed, wincing at the raw ache in my throat. I’d been screaming again. Just fucking peachy.
“You’re okay, I’ve got you,” Lux whispered, still gently caressing my face with those soft fucking hands of hers that were always seeking me out, touching, caressing, making my brain short circuit and my knees weak. The comforting brush of her thumb across my cheek made my eyes prickle and I found myself quickly blinking away fresh tears. Fucking embarrassing. I couldn’t let myself fall apart here. Blondie took any weakness I showed as an invitation to be even more infuriatingly clingy. I shoved away her hands, perhaps a bit more forcefully than I intended. I had to break away now before I got tangled in her web and she drained me of all my resolve like some sort of emotional support spider. Lux had a way of slipping through my defenses, peeling back my layers and leaving my gooey center exposed and vulnerable and I really couldn’t handle that right now.
If Blondie was hurt by my rejection, she didn’t show it, only offering me a smile laced with worry that made me feel more humiliated until I forced myself to turn away. Rolling over towards the opposite side of the bed, I spoke to the adjacent wall in a voice far raspier than usual. “Sorry, Sunshine. You’re too bright for the middle of the night. Go back to bed.” Fuck, why do I sound so weak? So pathetic. Stop.
There was often no winning with my brain. A constant battle of two minds waged war in my head, arguing back and forth in a constant debate over my own self worth. One side argues my sad desire for comfort and companionship while the other stresses the need to push others away before they get too close. Sometimes a third party speaks up, questioning whether I even deserve love and care and then things really get rowdy and fun.
Self isolation was a protective measure I’d used for a long time and found nearly impossible to break. I hated it about myself. Why can’t I just make fucking friends without being afraid of them leaving me? Why can’t I accept a stupid fucking hug without the crushing self loathing for needing it in the first place? It was something my therapist, Pearl -who’s name was definitely not Pearl, but I called her that because her teeth were uncomfortably white. What’s her real name? Alex? Sure-, had been trying to help me work through for years with little progress.
Pearl and I agreed on my fear of connection, but we disagreed on the cause. To me, it was a simple fear of rejection. After all, who would want to be friends with a ‘weirdo’ with a wide range of neurodivergencies and trauma, plagued by night terrors and the occasional hallucination when my insomnia got a bit too bad? No one wants to hang out with a broken sumprat from the lanes with mommy issues. I pushed everyone away before they pushed me away. Makes sense, right?
Well, Pearl or Alex or whatever the fuck refuses to believe me. “I don’t think you’re afraid of rejection, Powder. I think you’re afraid of loss.” Ugh. She always sounds so know-it-all-y with her posh, Piltovian accent. Was it my fault that Death came for my parents a smidge too early and swept back in to snatch Vander as a midnight snack? Was I supposed to beg Vi not to leave me instead of living her best life, planning some hoity toity wedding and trying to get knocked up by the world’s most annoyingly decent cop? Should I have demanded that Ekko join the Hextech Research Team with me instead of running off to start his own engineering company?
“Refusing to allow yourself to be open to new relationships now because you are afraid they will leave you later isn’t a healthy mindset,” Pearl Alex had said.
Well, get fucked, Alex.
I was swiping away traitorous tears when I felt the bed shift, the sheets rising just enough for Blondie to slip in behind me. “The fuck are you doing?” I grumbled, though there was a surprising lack of bite to my tone.
“You didn’t say which bed, Powder,” she breathed against the back of my neck. I bit my lip in a grimace as tentative hands wrapped around my small frame and drew me in until my back was melded against her. My hands trembled, itching to shove her away. A scathing remark sat on the tip of my tongue, ready to be unleashed. I swallowed it down, closing my eyes and taking a deep, shuddering breath as I uncurled my hands and let them rest lightly on her forearms. I could feel her smile against my shoulder while I struggled to decide if it was a curse or good fortune that Blondie seemed impervious to all my attempts to keep her at arms length. You’re dependent. Hopeless. Path- Stop.
For as long as I could remember, only Vi had held me like this. Through every bad dream, every moment of grief, all the mini meltdowns I’d had, Vi had always been there to hold me, protecting me until I managed to piece myself back together into some form of functionality. Despite all the time and effort and care that Vi gave me, she’d never once complained. Her voice, pushing me, picking me up when all the colors were black. The reason I’m still-
Vi was self sacrificing to a fault while I just kept selfishly taking.
When Vi was offered a career and sponsorship as a professional MMA fighter, she was reluctant to accept. She was afraid of leaving me for weeks at a time, of how it would affect me. Afraid of something happening. Afraid of me breaking. It was then I saw how much I’d taken from her. I’d scraped out all her interests and hopes and dreams and stuffed her full of worry and anxiety like a macabre teddy bear. Dragged her around with me at all times just in case I needed a cuddle. Fuck, I’d been so shitty. So shitty.
Sister, thought I missed her. Bet you wouldn’t miss her. Stop!
It was me that pushed her into accepting it. Said that it would be good for both of us. An opportunity for me to stand on my own two feet, pull myself up by my bootstraps and all that bullshit. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I could do it, be on my own. It didn’t matter if I couldn’t. I just couldn’t keep dragging Vi down with me.
Vi’s only condition was that I get therapy. I suppose I have her to thank for having to stare at Pearl’s creepy teeth once or twice a week for the last five years. It was a miracle I hadn’t lost my marbles. Or more of them, at least. Maybe I should put ink in her gross, piltie tea. Instead, she had actually… helped. She listened. Taught me how to organize my thoughts. Break out of destructive cycles on my own. Between her and Top Hat, it almost made me feel like not all pilties were trash.
Nah, that’s just crazy talk.
I could hear Blondie’s breath coming slow and even, already long asleep while I stared helplessly at the wall, left alone with my rushing thoughts. I took a deep breath, the scent of white tea and jasmine from Blondie’s shampoo filling my nose and calming my vibrating nerves. I still wasn’t sure how she managed that so easily.
Sunshine had essentially been my roommate for the last four years, sharing a dorm with me for most of that time at the academy until we recently agreed to split rent on an apartment together. I still wasn’t sure how she suckered me into that either. Or why the fuck she’d agreed to tolerate me after we’d graduated and she was no longer obligated by dorm rules. Tonight’s nightmare was only one of many and even when I’m conscious I’m not always pleasant to be around. She was kind, sweet and innocent in that way I found unbearably annoying. Ok, and also a little adorable. For some reason, Blondie clung to me like engine grease. We were oil and water and yet she was determined to keep stirring us up in hopes we might eventually blend together.
Sometimes I wondered if I was clinging to her just as tightly, if somehow my shitty brain decided to swap the target of my codependency to someone fresh and new after pushing Vi away. “Thank you for your service, sis. New meat and all that.” Sometimes, I feared I wasn’t really getting better after all. But then Lux would look at me. That look. The gross one that Top Hat was always giving my sister when she didn’t think anyone was paying attention. Somehow, it didn’t feel gross when Lux looked at me like that. It made me feel strange. Overwhelmed. And when she touched me, as she so loved to do, it always felt electric and a rush of pleasant yet unfamiliar emotions would explode inside me like fireworks. It was weird. Uncomfortable. And…
I liked it.
I wanted to roll over. Wanted to push my face into her neck and wrap my arms around her, let the comfort of her warm body soothe me into peaceful slumber in the way only she and Vi could. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. So I simply laid there, feeling her chest rise and fall against my back for hours while I wondered if sleep would ever come for me.
It didn’t.
* * *
“Damn, shortcake. You look like shit. Someone feed you after midnight?” Cadet Jones sneered when I trudged into the reception area of Warden HQ the following morning. A Gremlins reference. Nice. If I weren’t so exhausted, I might even have let that little dig go. Unfortunately for him, he caught me somewhere between a very long, sleepless night and my first unhealthy dose of caffeine.
Raising my eyebrows in faux surprise, I covered my mouth with my fingers. “Oh, wow. You can see me?” I asked in mocking disbelief. “Thought for sure you were blind based on your piss poor marksmanship scores, Scruffy. ‘Splains why you’re just pushin’ pencils, though.” My eyes slid from his scowling face to the holster on his belt. It was empty. Ha, now I feel a little sorry for the guy. Top Hat really did take marksmanship training and gun safety seriously. “Aw, did mommy take your toy?”
Scruffy didn’t like me. I mean, shit, very few on the force did. I didn’t like them either, save the very rare exception. Our ideals conflicted too much for us to share a cup of coffee and a dead eyed smile at the water cooler, but while most had resolved to ignore my presence, Scruffy had always been quick to show his disdain. He’d been one of the few goons to survive Top Hat’s inquisition simply because… well, he wasn’t corrupt or overtly malicious. He hadn’t broken protocol. He was just an idiot. A drone that could follow simple orders that didn’t involve much thought or any actual policing, such as filling out paperwork or working the front desk. It was why he was standing in reception half the time I came through on my weekly check ins and it’s why he was brushing forty while still rocking the single stripe of a Cadet.
I let out a raspy laugh and watched as his face turned the shade of a tomato. He snarled beneath the bushy, brown beard that covered half his face and I could almost hear his teeth grinding together while his dark brown eyes glared daggers at me. Before he could open his mouth to spew what would surely be a poorly crafted retort, another voice cut through the room and silenced him.
“Powder.”
Caitlyn stood at the doorway leading to the inner offices wearing her standard uniform decorated in gold, navy and white. As always, there wasn’t a wrinkle to be seen and the knee high brown boots that reached just to the hem of her skirt were polished well enough to reflect the fluorescent lighting. Her eyebrows were tightly knitted together in that way she does when she’s annoyed, but I could still see the barely there smirk curling ever so slightly at the corners of her lips.
“Mornin’, Sheriff,” I greeted with a cheerful smile and a two finger salute. When Caitlyn only responded with a head tilt towards her office, I fell in line behind her, sticking my tongue out at Scruffy as a farewell.
I buried my hands in the pockets of my hoodie while sauntering through the bullpen towards the Sheriff’s office. Most officers turned their attention towards me without offering a welcoming smile or any sort of real acknowledgement. Couldn’t say I didn’t understand. To most, I was only a source of irritation. An outside entity brought in to help monitor them, keep tabs on their body cameras and ensure any digital evidence remains properly stored, unedited and accounted for.
They couldn’t support a dirty Zaunite from the lanes waltzing in here without a badge somehow having any say in whether or not they keep their job. Who could blame them? “Fuck the police, comin’ straight from the underground” had been a core part of my personality for as long as I could remember and no amount of therapy could ever fully heal the scars I carried. Top Hat could strip this corrupt institution down to the fucking studs and lay an entirely new foundation, but the land it was built on was forever tainted by weak men with far too much money, lording their power over the poor and down trodden. Decades of protecting only the privileged and serving themselves could not be wiped away in such a short time, no matter how dedicated the new Sheriff was.
I am proud of her, though.
Never in my life would I have considered working with the enforcers in any capacity, but then Caitlyn approached me about becoming an outside contractor with the sole job of routing out corrupt pigs. “An organization with the power to do serious harm to innocent people should not only be held accountable by themselves,” Top Hat had said. She wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t until she mentioned the high salary, paid directly by the council instead of the department, and the opportunity to toss a few more bootlicking chumps out on their ass that I finally agreed.
So for the last six months I’d been working part time as their glorified IT specialist.
Caitlyn held the door to her office open until I slipped in and then shut it with a quiet snap. “Bit harsh, don’t you think?” Caitlyn asked with a small smile, but her eyes were practically dripping with worry and I had to bite back a loud sigh when I realized what was coming next. “Are you okay, Powder?”
Rather than succumb to annoyance that would only make Detective Cupcait more suspicious, I plastered on my best smile and cheerfully answered, “Totally! Just horsin’ around with ol’ Scruffy.” Without waiting for a reply or giving her a chance to scrutinize me further, I quickly bounced across the room and flung myself into a plush empty chair opposite her desk.
Never one to be brushed off the trail, Caitlyn followed behind and sat in her chair on the other side of the desk, steepling her hands in front of her. “You’re still not sleeping well?” she asked gently and fuck can I not just live my life and suffer in silence for once? I could feel my old defensive habits bubbling under the surface, ready to deny, deflect, and attack but Pearl’s voice reverberated in my skull. “Don’t you think it’s time to break this pattern of pushing others away?” So instead, I let the fake smile fall from my lips and gave a light shake of my head, my cheeks tinged with embarrassment.
“Still having the same dream?” Caitlyn asked and I suddenly hated how soothing her voice sounded, how easily it calmed my frayed nerves. I hated the way she looked at me with concern and worry, but without an ounce of pity. I hated how easily she could read me, how her eyes could peel back my mask of bubbly bitchiness and see all the broken parts that lay beneath. I hated how she only looked on and understood without trying to fix me. I hated all of these things because it made it so much harder to lash out like a wounded animal, tear at her throat with tooth and claw until she gave up on me like any sane person would.
I did my best to swallow down those feelings, fighting every instinct to leap from my chair and scream, “It’s none of your fucking business.” My mouth burned with the acidic words sitting on the tip of my tongue, ready to tear apart this woman who dared to give a shit about me, ready to dress her down until she felt just as raw and exposed as I was feeling.
She’s an enforcer. Enforcers don’t care about street trash like y- Stop.
I balled my fists tightly in my pockets, my paint chipped nails biting into the soft flesh of my palms. “Every night,” I answered in barely more than a whisper.
Liar liar pants on fire. Nose as long as a telephone wire.
It wasn’t always the same dream. It wasn’t always the same one I’d had last night, the one Vi knew I’d struggled with since I was a child and had only grown worse over the years. The one Caitlyn now knew about as well.
Now, there was a new dream and boy… was it a fucking doozy.
The first time I’d had it was the night of my sister’s championship celebration party where Vi showed off her fancy shmancy new belt while simultaneously informing us all she would be skipping the next season or three. “We are going to try for a baby,” Vi cheered with a pint of beer in one hand while the other wrapped around a grinning Caitlyn’s waist. I… did not handle the news well. Sure, I showed my enthusiastic approval, hiding my internal crisis behind silly jokes about Vi trading her rock hard abs for a big swollen belly, but in my head screamed a singular, selfish thought: Vi is moving on without me again and I am alone.
I tried to cut that idea off at the fucking knees. It was irrational and wrong and stupid and fucking selfish and I am just a miserable little shit who can’t even be proud of my own fucking sister who has every fucking right to start her own family and be happy and not let our shitty fucking childhood drag her down into the same pool of misery that I’m in. I tried to drown it with buckets of beer that tasted far too much like piss, but with each swallow my dark thoughts continued to spiral until I was wasted and sob vomiting in the fucking mens restroom because I was too trashed to notice the signs. Or the urinals. Or Jayce jumping with surprise and screaming like a little girl when I barreled through the door to hug a toilet for dear life.
Honestly, this is why all bathrooms should be gender neutral anyway.
Thankfully, Sunshine had been the one to come check up on me. She held my hair and rubbed my back and cradled me while I ugly cried against her nice, silky blue dress that I totally didn’t barf all over. When I settled down enough to stand, she made some excuse for me with the others and snuck me out the back, cleaned me up at home and tucked me in with a glass of water and my old, ratty stuffed rabbit that still smelled like Vi and maybe even a bit like my mother if I imagined hard enough.
That night, I had a dream. A new dream.
I dreamed of Vi leaving me behind. An evil smile on Caitlyn’s lips. A swell of jealousy and anger and hopelessness.
Another enforcer taking someone away from me. Always taking. Take take take taketaketaketake.
I dreamed of my sister tied to a chair in a desperate bid to keep her with me. I tried to make her choose.
She didn’t choose me.
I paid your girlfriend a visit.
A flash of Vi’s horrified reflection in a dome of polished silver.
I made you a snack!
I woke screaming so loud I could taste copper in my throat and Lux’s arms wrapped around me tight enough to keep my hands from clawing more red gouges into my skin. Soft words whispered into my ear. “I’ve got you, sweetie. You’re okay. Come back to me.” It was the first time she’d really held me and her touch kept me grounded in my body, her voice soothing in a way that reminded me of…
I spent the rest of that night crying in her arms or dry heaving over a trash can. I told myself that dream was a one off. A silly monster born from drinking far too much and my issues adjusting to change.
Over the last two months, I’ve had that nightmare six more fucking times.
“Powder?”
“Huh?” I snapped back to attention and tried to shake off the memory of that batshit crazy dream. My eyes found Caitlyn’s again and for just a moment, the briefest of seconds that passed so fast it didn’t even seem real, I saw that twisted smile on Caitlyn’s lips again before it was replaced with a frown and eyes full of concern. I felt my jaw clench tightly, the pounding of my pulse in my neck. I blinked my eyes hard, but that smile didn’t return.
“I lost you there for a moment. Are you okay?” Caitlyn asked softly, her hand fidgeting on the desk. She wanted to reach out and take mine. She was weird like that. Tactile. Instinctually showing care and affection through touch, but she knew that I didn’t react well to it. At least not from anyone but Vi. And, I guess, Princess Sunshine.
“Yeah, I’m good. Totally.” I gave Top Hat my best, toothy smile while quietly hating my subconscious fear of abandonment for warping my view of a woman who’d shown me nothing but kindness and who I’d somehow grown to like despite her perfect fucking posture and deadpan delivery. Turned out, we had more in common than I ever would have thought possible with a piltie and she was, by far, the only real challenge around when it came to video games or shooting competitions. Fuck, are we friends?
But she’s stealing Vi from- stop!
“So, how’s the baby making goin’? Any storks show up yet?” I asked, while mentally waving a middle finger at the image of Pearl shaking her head in disappointment at my clear deflection.
Caitlyn pressed her lips together in a tight line, seeing the change of subject for what it was. Thankfully, she let it go and her brow furrowed with a different worry. “Sadly, no storks yet. First round didn’t take, I’m afraid. Now Vi is concerned about her fertility which has me worried about my own considering it’s been frozen for over a decade. They tell me freezing makes-”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” I waved my arms to interrupt Caitlyn’s anxious ramble. “Don’t need to hear about your frozen swimmers, Cupcait.”
“Oh, right.” Caitlyn straightened in her seat, her cheeks tinged pink. “Sorry, just a lot on my mind, I suppose.” She awkwardly raked a hand through her disgustingly smooth hair and cleared her throat. “Are we still on for movie night tomorrow? Vi has been extra excited since it’s her turn to choose this week.”
“Ugh, at least we finished that fucking Underworld series last time.” I fake gagged on my middle finger. “Pretty obvious she only wanted to watch that dumpster fire for one thing.”
“She does like a hot woman in leather,” Caitlyn mused and then laughed lightly when I pretended to gag again. “Even Kate Beckinsale couldn’t distract me from the whole ‘light bullets’ thing. Bloody, nonsense.” Clearly Caitlyn was just as happy for their suffering to be over.
“What’s she got planned this week?” I asked, already knowing that anything my sister chose would have some combination of violence, strong female characters and hot women. Bonus points if it was also gay. Unfortunately, ‘good writing’ didn’t always make it into the mix.
“She hasn’t said yet,” Caitlyn answered and there was a familiar gleam in her eyes. “Want to make our usual wager?”
I tapped at my chin dramatically while I thought for a moment and then grinned. “I’ll put five on Kill Bill.”
“Oh, good choice. She does seem to enjoy a series.” Caitlyn hummed in thought for a while before finally saying, “I’ll match you for Atomic Blonde.”
We both mimicked shooting a pistol at one another with our hands before blowing on the tip of our fingers, our signal for sealing a deal. One that I had come up with as a joke and had been both surprised and delighted to see Caitlyn continue to play along with despite her typically uptight nature.
“Will you be bringing company?” Caitlyn suddenly asked, the corners of her lip curling into the smallest of smirks.
“What’s it to you?” I asked, hating how my voice rose in pitch. I cleared my throat and willed my cheeks to stop burning.
Caitlyn took on an innocent smile and gave a light shrug. “Just curious how many guests will be attending. I want to make sure to prepare enough snacks, after all.”
That was bullshit. Vi was always sure to have more than enough food to go around on movie night. Eating junk food was half the point. When I didn’t answer, Caitlyn added, “Luxanna knows she is always welcome, yes?”
Unwilling to deal with this conversation and Caitlyn’s smug face, I launched myself out of my chair and frowned. “She knows and I’m not her fuckin’ keeper. She can do what she wants, so stay out of it, Top Hat.” With that, I turned and quickly stormed out with Caitlyn calling after me, “I only wore that hat the one time!”