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Nobody ever considered the idea that Jack was jealous of Ralph. That every time Ralph succeeded he felt like he failed. That his hunters would hype him up, tell him he could do it, and then he never could. It was a bitter pill to swallow, this constant cycle of expectation and disappointment.
Even when Jack claimed leadership of his own tribe, it was not enough to quell the gnawing jealousy he harbored towards Ralph. The more Ralph tried to establish order and civilization, the more Jack rebelled, determined to prove himself superior in any way he could.
Deep down, amidst chaos and savagery, Jack couldn't escape the nagging feeling of inadequacy. No matter how many victories he achieved, they never seemed to measure up to Ralph's accomplishments. And Jack hated that.
It wasn't just Ralph's charisma or leadership qualities that irked Jack. It was the constant reminder of his own shortcomings, amplified by Ralph's achievements. With every accomplishment of Ralph's, Jack felt the sting of inadequacy gnawing at him from within. The more Ralph gained the respect and admiration of the group, the more Jack felt sidelined and overshadowed.
The worst thing, though, was that no matter how jealous Jack felt, or how upset he felt towards Ralph, it never overshadowed the love. When Ralph smiled, Jack felt all of his anxieties dissolve into nothingness, melting away with each radiant smile. He'd feel his pulse flutter beneath the pads of his fingers, a tingle of excitement running through him and warming his insides until they felt like jelly. When Ralph touched him, the world disappeared around them both. Everything went dim and quiet save for the steady thrumming of blood rushing in their ears. When he saw Ralph smile, everything else faded away, leaving Jack in an endless bliss when there were no enemies to fight, and no worries to face.
He would try and stay angry at Ralph, and try to avoid talking to the boy, but he always gave in. Jack couldn't help but feel a pang of longing whenever he looked at Ralph, a bittersweet ache that twisted in the depths of his soul, a constant reminder of the love he holds for this infuriating boy.
How could he love someone so fiercely, yet resent them with every fiber of his being? How could he yearn for Ralph's approval, even as he rebelled against his authority?
In the quiet moments, when the chaos of the island faded into the background, Jack and Ralph would steal fleeting glances at each other, their eyes betraying the depth of their unspoken longing. There was a tenderness there, buried beneath layers of hurt and anger, a fragile thread that bound them together even as it threatened to unravel.
Jack would need to learn to live with it all. The longing to hold Ralph in his arms during the cold nights, the jealousy that Ralph is much more than he would ever be. The desire to lie next to Ralph and gaze up at a sky that is so heartachingly indifferent and find meaning within it, the fear that Ralph will drift away when he realizes how little Jack has to offer.
He knew he could never measure up to Ralph, could never be the leader, the hero that the other boy was. And that knowledge ate away at him, driving him to lash out in anger and defiance, desperate to prove himself worthy of Ralph's love.
Jack would need to learn to live with it all—the longing, the jealousy, the fear of losing Ralph because Ralph meant everything to him. So much more than he wants to admit, even to himself.
Sometimes Jack gets scared that God will grow tired and their relationship strained, and there would be nothing stopping him from killing him off, snuffing out Jack’s life because he didn’t live up to the blossoming potential He guided Jack towards.
Like blowing out a candle when you begin to tire of the scent. Turning off the TV when the movie gets boring. Draining the bathtub when the water grows cold. Flipping the light switch off when your eyes begin to tire of the lights.
Jack didn’t want to die never knowing that he could’ve had Ralph. He didn’t want to die without knowing every inch of Ralph, every emotion in his heart, everything that made him so much more than Jack was, knowing everything and loving all of it.
The wind blew outside, and Jack's heart rate increased. He hated it. The sound of the wind made his ears ring with anxiety, making it hard to concentrate on anything else. It was just a storm, after all. He should have been used to it by now. But the sound of it always unsettled him. It reminded him how empty this island was.
He'd gotten good at controlling himself. He had to control himself. If he let his panic get the better of him, there would be no stopping it. Not without Ralph there. But he wasn’t there, was he?
No matter how much he wanted to scream.
No matter how his throat began to close and his hands began to shake, sending little waves through the frostbitten fingers, no matter how those same fingers gripped the handle of the spear he was washing in the bubbling and frothing ocean only minutes earlier until the knuckles blanched and how his knees began to weaken. How tears began to prick his eyes, a burning sensation washing over his body.
How he dropped to the floor, trying to draw in a breath.
How the spear fell from his fingers.
How he clawed those same fingers through his hair, pulling and grabbing and ripping.
How he began to sob on the cold rock floor, drawing his knees into his chest and making himself as small as possible.
They wouldn't be able to see him if he was smaller. They couldn't get him here.
He closed his eyes, drawing in several shallow breaths. His body ached with fear. He didn't want to open his eyes again. Didn't want to face whatever was out there.
But he did anyway.
And that's when he saw it.
A dark mass, looming over him, blocking out the light coming from inside. Jack's breathing quickened even further and he felt his head begin to spin as he attempted to scramble backwards against the wall.
"Jack?"
There was a hand around his wrist, and he tried to rip himself away. The hand was cool, firm as he pulled but not unkind.
"Jack!" His vision swam, his heartbeat thumping loudly in his ears, but he barely registered the sound of his voice over it.
"Don't touch me! Don't fucking touch me!" He screamed, his voice cracking and echoing off the walls. His throat tightened up again and he swallowed roughly. He kicked out, feeling the impact vibrate through his leg, and the person let out a sharp exhale. The hand let go, and Jack curled up tighter, curling in on himself. He couldn't breathe properly, couldn't hear anything but the blood pounding in his head.
"Jack, I'm not gonna hurt you." The voice was familiar, and Jack felt a little bit of the panic subside. "It's me. It's Ralph."
"Go away," Jack whispered, squeezing his eyes shut again, even though he knew that didn't do any good. He wished he could crawl under something so he could hide from whatever was in front of him.
"Get away, please..." Tears slipped from his cheeks and trickled down his neck, and he squeezed his eyes tightly shut against them.
The last thing he wanted was for Ralph to see him like this.
Crying.
Scared.
His body trembled violently as he buried his face in his knees. All he wanted was to escape from this awful feeling. But Ralph had stopped approaching and his arms remained limp at his sides, as though he was giving Jack space to calm down. To figure out what was going on.
"Please..." Jack sobbed. It was easier to say that than to actually say the words that sat unsaid in his throat. He could feel his voice quaking and his eyes burning. Everything felt heavy and warm all of a sudden, despite the cool night air. "I can't... I don't know..."
"It's okay," Ralph said, crouching down in front of him. A hand came to rest against the side of his face, and his skin was soft as Jack leaned into the touch. "Just listen to my voice, all right? It's gonna be okay."
"Okay," Jack repeated, trying to believe the words. Ralph hummed a little. Jack felt his thumb rub soothingly across his cheekbone and he sucked in a deep breath. Jack wondered why, after all he’d done, Ralph still cared .
"You're okay," Ralph reassured him. "We'll both be okay."
"Promise?"
Ralph smiled sadly and brushed a lock of Jack's hair from his face.
"Promise." They lay there together for several minutes, neither saying anything, just listening to each other breathing. Jack nodded his head and stared at the ground. He knew Ralph meant well, but he wasn't used to such a tender gesture. It made his stomach feel weird and his heart clench uncomfortably in his chest.
It made him wonder whether everyone else saw him as fragile and helpless. For years and years, he'd done the same thing every time and had made it through. Even when things hadn't gone according to plan, even when he didn't have anyone to lean on, he'd managed.
So why did he have to rely on another person so desperately now? What if he couldn't manage anymore? What if he failed at taking care of himself like he was supposed to? What then? He couldn't rely on someone else for everything. That wouldn't be fair. But, as he continued to gaze downward at the lifeless, cold rock below him, he couldn't imagine he had many options.
Even still, it cut deep knowing that Ralph even coped better than he did. It stung bitterly, and Jack hated the fact that losing to Ralph was almost an unconscious response like breathing, and as natural as the poor boars he had killed, small, pink, skinless tails dancing in the breeze.
Losing to Ralph doesn’t feel like really losing, not when it is the greatest prize to know him.
That annoyed Jack beyond belief. But even with that coursing jealousy, he knew that he loved Ralph. He also knew that he couldn’t. It wasn’t meant to happen. But it did, and so Jack was content to just lean into Ralph’s frame, let Ralph hold him as he let himself feel weak .
He closed his eyes. This wasn’t right, but it felt so perfect .
He loved Ralph more than anything, and he was so bitterly, bitingly jealous that Ralph could live with the pining Jack lived with.
Oh
, how he wanted Ralph to pine like he did.