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Dazai tossed his aching limbs around in bed that night for what felt like the 500th time. He sighed, tensing his jaw anxiously and looking at the clock. The little white numbers blinded his stinging eyes, as he read the clock saying 3:24 AM .
Sighing, Dazai tossed around again. Why was no position comfortable? Everytime he moved around he could feel the bones in his body rub against his muscles, or the sheets were too itchy, or he was too hot, so he'd kick off the blanket, or five minutes later too cold, so he’d draw it around himself again. His hair itched on the back of his neck and the buzzing from the heater was driving him near insane.
Dazai had slept… just about two hours in the past few days. He didn’t know what brought on this sudden bout of insomnia, he rarely ever did. It just tended to happen when he least expected it and least needed it. He’d been trying not to let it make him too anxious, but Dazai tended to get more jumpy and nervous when he was tired, and he’d been running on nothing but coffee and energy drinks for about three days now.
What if he never slept again? What if this was how he died? He didn’t want to die like this, this was too long and painful a death. He wanted his death to be quick and easy, but it could take him weeks to die if this was the method he was taken out by. And on top of that, Dazai wanted to kill himself , not be killed unwillingly.
Did it count as suicide if his body slowly killed him…? After all, it was technically, by definition, killing himself.
Dazai bit the soft flesh inside his cheek as he shifted again, accidentally kicking Chuuya in the back. He heard him groan and Dazai tensed.
Chuuya sighed, irritation lacing his breath. “Dazai, could you stop fucking moving around and kicking me for five seconds?” he grumbled, propping himself up on his elbows. “It’s fucking annoying. Go to sleep.”
Dazai bit the inside of his cheek harder, turning away from Chuuya and curling into an impossibly small ball. “Sorry.” he mumbled into the bedsheets.
Chuuya was silent for a second, and Dazai was worried that he’d made him really mad this time.
He sat up after a moment, scooting closer to Dazai and brushing his hair behind his ear lightly. “Hey, you okay?” he asked, more gently, regretting his harsh words at the sound of Dazai’s fragile tone.
It was unlike Dazai to be reprimanded and not come up with some stupid insult to fire back at Chuuya, calling him a dog or some bullshit.
“Can’t sleep.” Dazai mumbled, and Chuuya picked up on the hint of anxiety interwoven in Dazai’s quiet voice.
Ah, so that was it. Chuuya’s expression softened.
Chuuya knew Dazai was an anxious person, but usually he was able to mostly hide it through his stupid and annoying jokes and with his Masters Degree in the art of deflecting and avoiding talking about how he felt, ever, much to Chuuya’s disdain. The fucking Mackeral acted like talking to someone about how he felt was gonna make the Earth stop turning.
Chuuya felt another twinge of guilt for lashing out at Dazai like he just did a few seconds ago. His idiot was probably too exhausted to be able to properly control how he was acting.
“Do you know why?” Chuuya asked, petting Dazai softly behind the ear, like a cat would like. Dazai cuddled into the touch. He shook his head.
“No.”
“Something on your mind?” Chuuya pushed gently. “You anxious about anything?” Dazai visibly stiffened.
“No.” he said, leaving no room for argument. He should’ve known by now that Chuuya wasn’t gonna take no as an answer.
“You sure? It’s okay if you are, y’know. It’ll feel better to talk about it if you are.”
“Does Slug need new ears? I said no.” Dazai insisted, adamantly.
Like the Trojans, Dazai had built another wall around himself. Chuuya hid inside his Trojan Horse.
“Okay, okay.” Chuuya relented, for now, flying a false white flag. “How about I get you some sleeping pills and some tea? You think it’d help you feel better and fall asleep?” he asked.
Dazai was quiet for a moment, and then nodded.
“Alright, baby.” Chuuya kissed Dazai’s temple gently. “Don’t go anywhere.”
Chuuya got up to go to the kitchen to make Dazai’s tea, and as he walked away from their bedroom he could hear the asshole mumble something snappy, along the lines of “Where does Slug even think I’m going?” Chuuya rolled his eyes. He had no idea why he was so nice to the shithead. He should put poison in the damn tea and see how he liked it then.
Unfortunately, Dazai would probably thank Chuuya for putting poison in his tea, so the only way to make the fucker understand how much he hated him was to force him to live a long and happy life. That’d fucking show him.
After making the tea, Chuuya went to the bathroom and unlocked the cabinet with all the meds (God forbid he left it unlocked with Dazai in the house, he’d be out all his meds and one shitty annoyance by the next morning), and he took two sleeping pills. Locking the cabinet back up, he walked over back to the bed, where Dazai had moved yet again into a position that couldn’t possibly be comfortable. His unreasonably long legs were splayed out all over the bed, and his back was twisted at an angle that made Chuuya cringe.
“Jesus, Dazai, what are you trying to do, break your back?”
“I’d like it more if Chuuya would do it for me.” Dazai mumbled, exhaustion evident in his tone. Chuuya wished he could say that Dazai was delirious right now, but his disgusting sense of humor was common even when he was wide awake. Chuuya sighed, rolling his eyes and shoving the pills into Dazai’s hands.
“Yeah, well at least it’d put you to sleep then.” he fired back.
“Are you insinuating-”
“ No .” Chuuya cut Dazai off immediately, pushing his hand into his forehead.
Dazai chuckled tiredly. “You sure?”
Chuuya’s eye twitched. “Take. The fucking. Pills.”
“Chuuya’s so demanding.” Dazai remarked, sitting up and popping the pills, dry swallowing them. Chuuya stared at him in disbelief. “You’re fucking weird, Dazai, I hope you know that. I got you a drink, you don’t have to be a fucking freak and swallow them raw you know.”
He sat back down on the bed next to Dazai, handing him his tea.
Chamomile with honey, milk, and sugar, so disgustingly sweet that it made Chuuya gag, and just the way Dazai liked it.
Dazai sipped the tea, and smiled into the cup.
“You added two teaspoons of sugar right? Not one-”
“Yes, Princess , I added two. Like I always do.” Chuuya looked at Dazai exhasperatedly.
“Are you sure, because-”
“ Yes , I’m sure.” Chuuya snapped. Chuuya has made him tea about a thousand and one times by now, he wouldn’t just forget the way Dazai liked it. “And I added three drops of honey, one tablespoon of milk, warmed it for exactly two minutes and forty five seconds, stirred it three times- all of your weird and annoying peculiarities are accounted for. So will you just drink the tea and go to sleep? ”
Dazai smiled sleepily, blinking those stupid big brown eyes of his innocently. He hated how soft and deep they were. “Only since you asked so nicely.” he remarked. Chuuya chose to ignore Dazai’s shenanigans for the sake of his sanity.
Dazai sipped his tea, snuggling into the blankets and leaning against the headboard of the bed. Chuuya crawled over to him, leaning Mackerel's head against his shoulder, his touch gentler than his previous words would suggest. Dazai didn’t protest, as he drank his tea.
“Pills should take about fifteen or twenty minutes to work.” Chuuya said softly, kissing the top of Dazai’s head. “They’ll help you sleep through the night, and we can talk tomorrow. I wanna know what’s making you nervous.”
Dazai was silent for a beat of their synchronized hearts, and then he mumbled into the cup. “My doggie is getting old. He’s experiencing memory loss. I said I’m not anxious.”
Chuuya scoffed. Who did his Mackerel think he was fooling? “ Yes , you are. You always get restless when you’re more anxious than usual. I just wanna know what’s up. I can help fix it.”
“ Nothing .” Dazai insisted, voice tight as a fraying rope.
Chuuya sighed. He’d drop it for now. He didn’t wanna get Dazai worked up when he needed him to relax to fall asleep. He’d pester him about it in the morning, instead. Or afternoon. With how little sleep Dazai had gotten over the past few days, Chuuya imagined Dazai would probably sleep all day, which probably wasn’t the best because he needed to sleep tomorrow night, too. But they’d cross that bridge when they came to it.
The two sat there for a couple minutes more, as Chuuya softly rubbed up and down Dazai’s arm to help soothe him. Try as he might, Chuuya wasn’t buying a word of his “I’m so strong and not anxious at all” bullshit. He wanted to help Dazai calm his racing thoughts.
Chuuya noticed Dazai’s grip on his mug slackening, and caught it before he could drop it. Dazai snapped awake, flinching as he realized what he almost did.
Chuuya took the mug and gently set it on the nightstand, turning off the lamp.
“Come lay down, Baby.” he whispered into Dazai’s ear, pulling him down onto the bed from his previous sitting position.
Chuuya’s breath tickled Dazai’s ear, and he shivered. His Slug could be so soft sometimes that Dazai didn’t know how to react other than to melt into goo in his arms.
As they laid down, Chuuya pulled Dazai’s head onto his chest the way he knew always made him relax. He knew how Dazai liked to listen to his heartbeat. Chuuya liked to listen to his, too, to remind himself that his Mackerel was still, despite everything, alive.
He scared Chuuya, sometimes, too many times. The only thing he hated more than Dazai’s annoyingly chipper attitude and crude and ridiculous jokes was the lack of them, and that fucking look in his eyes he’d get when he was planning something bad. It scared him that he could wake up one morning with Dazai in bed with him, and have to go to sleep that night without him.
Chuuya hugged Dazai a little tighter.
“I love you.” he whispered, reminding him. Just in case.
“Love you too, Chibi…” Dazai murmured, eyes closed. Chuuya smiled softly.
After a few more minutes of silence, Chuuya assumed his plan worked and closed his own eyes, softly petting Dazai’s hair.
He wasn’t sure when he fell asleep, but he was woken up not too much later to Dazai shifting restlessly in bed again. He groggily opened his eyes, and the clock read 4:02.
Chuuya sat up with him, pulling Dazai back into his arms as if he was gonna run away and disappear forever.
“No luck?” he asked, softly. Dazai rubbed his eyes, shaking his head.
“Can’t sleep.” he repeated, voice rough and laced with fatigue. Chuuya’s brows knit together.
“The pills didn’t work?” he asked. Why he was asking, he didn’t know. Obviously they didn’t work, if Dazai was sitting up in bed awake.
“Oh, no, they worked.” Dazai mumbled. “Just feel more tired. Still can’t… sleep though…” he murmured thickly.
Well fuck, Chuuya didn’t think that was possible.
“Oh, baby, c’mere.” Chuuya cooed softly, pulling Dazai closer, hugging him and resting Dazai’s head on his shoulder. He gently rubbed down his spine, and he felt Dazai twitch a bit at the sudden contact. “Why won’t you tell me what’s up, Sweetheart? It’ll be easier to fall asleep if you’re not feeling so anxious.”
“I said a million and one times I’m not , Chuuya.”
“Osamu, do you know how I know that’s a lie? Because you didn’t use some infuriating nickname or make some terrible and unfunny joke, Or try and call me your dog or whatever the fuck when you were saying it.”
Dazai remained silent. Chuuya hit the nail on the head, he knew he’d called out Dazai’s bullshit and found a fallacy in his act. The problem now was getting him to talk about what was actually wrong.
After another minute of silence, Chuuya relented, seeing as the dumbass was set on bottling up everything inside until it burst. “Fine. You win. But we are going to talk about this, Dazai. I’m not gonna let you keep torturing yourself.”
Dazai remained silent yet again. Had he finally fallen asleep…?
“Dazai?” Chuuya asked quietly.
“Hm?” Dazai murmured, and Chuuya’s heart sank. Oh . He was too tired to argue.
Chuuya sighed, racking his brain for how to help his Love. Sleeping pills only made things worse, tea seemed to do absolutely nothing, and holding Dazai in his arms relaxed him and calmed him down, but it didn’t make him fall asleep.
Chuuya thought… and an idea popped into his head.
“Hey, Mackerel?” Chuuya said softly, into his ear. “We’re gonna go on a car ride.”
Dazai opened his eyes confusedly, squinting, and looked at Chuuya.
“What? Why?” he asked.
“You always fall asleep on car rides.” Chuuya stated, like it was obvious and plain as day.
“No, I don’t.” Dazai said, indignantly.
Chuuya tilted his head. “Um. Yes. You do. Like, every single time. Barely even ten minutes in and you’re out.”
“Did Chuuya hit his head?” Dazai mumbled, looking away as he blushed.
“Who the fuck do you think you’re fooling, Mackeral? Do you want me to get the pictures?”
Dazai whined and pressed his head into Chuuya’s shoulder. “Chuuya’s being a bad dog!” he exclaimed.
Chuuya chuckled, scratching the back of Dazai’s head gently. “Okay, okay. But even if you insist that you don’t fall asleep in car rides, which you totally do, it could help be relaxing. C’mon.” he said, picking Dazai up and carrying him like the annoying princess he was.
“I can walk, Slug.” Dazai grumbled.
“I’m sure you can.” Chuuya affirmed, making no move to put Dazai down.
Walking out the door, Chuuya managed to somehow open and lock the front door to their apartment and get Dazai all the way down to the first floor without struggling. He opened the door to the backseat and laid Dazai down inside.
Chuuya was impressive sometimes. Dazai would’ve probably dropped Chuuya, even though Chibi was so much smaller than him.
“Am I not old enough to be in the front?” Dazai remarked, rolling his eyes, but cuddling into the seat anyway, making no attempt to get up.
“It’s so you can lay down, you asshole.” Chuuya sighed, going to close the door.
“Wait.” Dazai said, looking up at Chuuya. Chuuya raised his brows at him.
“My blankie.” Dazai murmured.
Chuuya smiled and laughed. “What, are you five?”
Dazai pouted. “I want it.” he mumbled, and Chuuya felt his heart melt with affection. “Imagine if everyone who ever called you ‘The Demon Prodigy’ could see you now.” he laughed, struggling to catch his breath. God, Dazai could be adorable when he wanted, and most of the time he wasn’t even trying this time either.
“Chuuyaaaaa…” Dazai whined.
“Aw, did I hurt my baby’s feelings?” he chuckled. “How could I forget your blankie?” Chuuya laughed, shaking his head. “Of course we can’t leave without it.”
“And Vanilla Sugar.” Dazai mumbled. Chuuya’s smile grew.
“Yes, and Vanilla sugar. Of course, Sweetheart. Wait here, I’ll go get them.” he said, giving Dazai a quick peck on the forehead.
“You’re gonna leave me out here all alone? For the wolves to eat and kill me, or for the evil monsters to attack?” Dazai asked, pouting.
Chuuya raised an eyebrow. “There are no wolves in Yokohama, Mackerel.”
“That doesn’t account for monsters.” Dazai countered, like it was obvious.
“ Dazai.” Chuuya sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Lay down. I’ll be five minutes. Quit testing me.” Chuuya sighed, flicking Dazai’s forehead.
“Chuuya’s so mean to me…” Dazai murmured, rubbing his forehead and settling back down as Chuuya shut the door.
Chuuya scoffed incredulously. Mean . He’d dare Dazai to name one mean thing he’d done tonight. He’d made him tea, cuddled him, tucked him in, used his favorite (and disgustingly, sickeningly sweet) pet names, carried him out to the car, and now was walking back to the apartment to get Dazai’s blankie , as he called it, and his teddy bear . Chuuya sometimes wondered how he’d ended up in such a revoltingly domestic and soft relationship with Dazai of all people.
After getting Dazai’s blankie and Vanilla Sugar, Chuuya sighed exhuastedly. He wasn’t cut out for this bullshit, he should be sleeping. He assumed he was gonna be calling out for both Dazai and himself for work tomorrow. His Mackerel needed a little extra care right now, anyway, and a day off wouldn’t kill anyone. The schedule was just mediocre missions that he definitely was above doing if he didn’t want to, and tedious paperwork, anyway.
Coming back to the car, Chuuya opened the door again and gave Dazai his blankie, which was brown and cream white with little kittens on it, as well as Vanilla Sugar, a cream white teddy bear with a brown bowtie, who, Chuuya had to admit, was quite soft and huggable. He could see why Dazai insisted on suffocating himself at night by shoving his stupid face into the soft fur.
“Need me to tuck you in too, Princess?” Chuuya teased.
“Yes.” Dazai agreed seriously, and Chuuya’s eyebrows raised, though he wasn’t truly surprised- he should’ve expected this from Dazai. He shook his head.
“The things I do for you…” he muttered, making sure to tuck Dazai in snugly. He was cute like this, under his kitten blankie, snuggling his teddy bear. Chuuya was definitely adding this to his album of pictures of Dazai falling asleep in the car later. He smirked at the idea.
Chuuya (finally, after making sure Dazai was comfortable, because God forbid he wasn’t, he’d never hear the end of it) got into the front seat of the car, and started driving.
“‘Dunno why you wanted to do this…” Dazai murmured, yawning. “Car rides don’t make me sleepy.” Chuuya looked back at him through the rearview mirror, unamused.
“Oh, yeah? You sure about that?” he asked, raising his eyebrows. Dazai’s yawn proved otherwise.
“Yes. Chuuya’s a liar.”
“You probably just don’t remember with your stupid fish brain.” Chuuya reasoned. “Tell me, Mackerel, how else do you wake up in bed every time we have to drive a long distance? Explain it to me if I’m wrong.”
“Magic…” Dazai murmured, and Chuuya had to stop himself from laughing at Dazai’s sleep-deprived ramblings.
“ Magic. Not me carrying your ass to bed every time after you fall asleep.”
“I don’t.” Dazai insisted, whining.
“Okay, Babe. It’s magic that knocks you out after like, ten minutes in the car, right?” Chuuya laughs, having to collect himself to prevent himself from swerving into oncoming traffic.
“Chuuya’s laughing at me…” Dazai whined.
“ No…” Chuuya corrected. “I’m laughing because you’re delirious and also because you miraculously don’t remember the five hundred times I carried you back to bed.” Chuuya chuckles, taking a peak at the backseat again. “Yeah, you’re definitely falling asleep.” Chuuya affirmed, triumphantly.
“I’m not. I’m probably never gonna sleep again.”
“Get back to me in a few minutes with that.” Chuuya deadpanned, brushing off Dazai’s theatrics. “You want any music?” he asked, deciding he was done teasing his Mackerel for the night and to actually let him fall asleep.
“No. Rain sounds nice.” he mumbled.
Dazai settled into the cushion of the carseat, snuggling into Vanilla Sugar. Chuuya was being mean to him, as he always was, but Dazai did have to admit that the motions of the car driving, and the lights flashing by as they drove, combined with the sound of the rain pattering against the window was lulling him to sleep like a lullaby.
It felt like he was being rocked back and forth every time Chuuya sped up or slowed down, and it made his tummy feel warm and his mind foggy.
Dazai opened his eyes for a second, looking up at Chuuya. He was so pretty in the moonlight, with his hair slightly damp from running back and forth in the rain. Dazai smiled gently. Chuuya was mean, but he was good to him too, for some dog brained reason that Dazai would probably never understand. He didn’t deserve it.
Chuuya drove on for a while longer, occasionally looking back at Dazai, who hadn’t tried to annoy him or complain for a while. The only noise that filled the silence was the soft tapping of rain on the windows and the low hum of the engine. He looked back to the backseat again, and noticed Dazai’s breathing had become softer and deeper. Smiling, Chuuya shakes his head.
His evil plan to make Dazai fall asleep worked perfectly, as he knew it would, since he knew Dazai like the back of his own hand. Dazai could deny and deny all he wanted, but car rides always put him to sleep whether he liked it or not.
Chuuya found himself yawning, and decided it’d be better to drive back home soon so he didn’t end up falling asleep at the wheel and crashing his car. Dazai may have a death wish, but Chuuya’s plans didn’t account for either of their funerals.
Once he’d driven back home and parked his car in the lot of their apartment, he shut off the engine and opened the door quietly. It was only raining lightly, but it was starting to pick up so Chuuya thought he should hurry so the rain wouldn’t wake Dazai or make him cold, and so both of them wouldn’t be soaked.
Chuuya smirked and quickly snapped a picture to add to his album of Dazai sleeping in the car. This one was perfect, with Dazai’s hair all soft and messy and wild as he cuddled his teddy bear under the kitten blankie. His lips were just barely parted, and he was drooling slightly, too, as he tended to when he slept (Chuuya’s had to wash drool out of about fifty of his shirts when he’d wake up with Dazai drooling on his chest- the sensation was disgusting but he never had the heart to wake Dazai up with how badly he slept and how much of a light sleeper he was, usually).
Chuuya gently maneuvered Dazai into his arms- blanket, Vanilla Sugar, and all- and he knew Dazai must’ve been really tired when he didn’t snuggle into Chuuya’s shoulder like he usually did when he picked him up out of the car. Instead, he laid limp in his arms, and Chuuya had to quickly stop Dazai’s head from falling backwards.
He assumed he was gonna be doing all the work here.
Chuuya looked at Dazai gently, a sympathetic expression painting his features. “My poor baby.” he whispered, kissing his forehead. Chuuya had noticed the growing bags under Dazai’s eyes in the past few days, but it wasn’t uncommon for Dazai to have trouble sleeping. Usually he could work it out himself and Chuuya wouldn’t push because he knew Dazai, if nothing else, was secretive and elusive. But looking at him up close in the light of the headlights, Chuuya realized they’d been getting bad. He hadn’t noticed just how dark and puffy his eyes were.
Instinctively pulling Dazai closer to his chest, Chuuya began carrying him back to their apartment. Dazai was dead weight in his arms, and vaguely thought it was like carrying a giant annoying baby.
Somehow managing to unlock the door, Chuuya finally reached the apartment. Closing the door softly, so as to not wake Dazai (though he didn’t think that’d be an issue tonight because his Mackerel was knocked out hard on sleeping pills and three days of sleep deprivation), Chuuya made his way back into the bedroom, and gently laid Dazai down on the bed.
He made sure to tuck him in properly, getting the blanket to cover his stupid long legs, and making sure Vanilla Sugar was properly in his grasp. Chuuya crawled back into bed, more than exhausted, and flopped down, pulling Dazai into his arms.
He was snoring slightly, something he only did when he was sick or when he was really, really tired. Chuuya sighed, brushing Dazai’s bangs out of his face and kissing him delicately on his eyelids. The rain started pouring harder, as Chuuya had expected it to, and he thought absentmindedly that he was thankful he’d gotten them both back in the apartment at just the right time.
“You know you’re just one humongous problem for me, Mackerel.” he whispered, closing his own eyes and resting his head on top of Dazai’s, soft brown curls tickling his chin. He wrapped his leg around Dazai’s hips, interlocking them together like a lock and key, and settled down.
The sound of the rain was relaxing, and Chuuya remembered in his half awake state he’d have to pester Dazai whenever he woke up about whatever it could possibly be that was bothering him this time. He’d get it out of him, like he always did.
Eventually, to the sound of the gentle rapping of the rain picking up against the windows of their bedroom, Chuuya fell asleep.