Chapter Text
The soft chirping of birds wakes Tess slowly from her disjointed dreams of dark rooms and echoing hallways; the sounds of screams and fists pounding on flesh slowly fade away. Tess rolls and reaches across the bed to try and drag Joel back over to steal his warmth but her hands close on empty air. He must have an early work patrol, she grumbles and reaches for the blankets at the end of the bed where she most have kicked them. When her fingers land on them, she grabs them and pulls them back up and over her head, trying to avoid the light creeping in from the window. She startles a little when she’s enveloped by the scent of Tide, a smell she has not experienced since the outbreak. All the clothing they wash here in Jackson has a smell of lavender. The scent is so strong Tess thinks she must be going crazy. Sure, in the past, she’d had moments of nostalgia where she’d smelled something and thought it was something else, but this was uncanny. She opens her eyes and is further pulled into her confusion when she notices the blanket she’s under is white and not the blue comforter they usually have on their bed.
Tess yanks the blanket off of her head and sits up quickly. The sight she’s greeted with is immediately familiar and also disconcerting. The room is bright, so much brighter than the room she and Joel share in Jackson, and that's because instead of the one small window she’s used to, this room has one giant window stretching across one wall. The furniture is made of blonde wood, part of a matching set. Her bed is covered with a white comforter and downy white pillows. The room itself isn’t large, not even half the size of her room in Jackson, but the pale cream walls look brand new, clean, and bright. Tess can’t seem to wrap her mind around what she’s seeing.
She goes to throw the blankets back and has to do a double-take. Her long legs are smooth, supple, lightly muscled, and most shocking of all hair and scar-free. She’s wearing a pair of light green silk pajama shorts and a matching silk tank top. She holds up her arms, and they, too, are scar-free except for the one on her left elbow from when she’d fallen at ten while riding her bike, scrapping it badly. Her brain spinning, her mouth dry she stands up and rushes over to the small door on the other side of the room that leads into a small bathroom. She paws at the wall until her hand hits the light switch and gasps when she looks into the mirror. Staring back at her is her face , but not her face now in 2024. It's her face from more than 30 years in the past, and the room she came from was the room she had back in 1992, from the apartment she lived in for only a year before she moved in with her eventual husband Trevor in 93.
“What the fuck is happening.” She whispers, her hand running over her smooth, unlined face and her long auburn hair done in a braid hanging almost down to her lower back. “Joel…” She gasps and rushes into the room again, but of course he’s not there. She opens the bedroom door that leads into a hallway, and it only takes her a minute to remember that she needs to turn left to get to the living room, when she does, it’s all exactly like she remembers from so long ago, and still there’s no Joel in sight. “What the fuck, what the fuck!” She moans and has to lean against the wall behind her as her head starts to spin.
“Tess, honey, are you okay?” She looks up in shock at the man standing in the entranceway to her small kitchenette. He’s tall and lean with bright red hair, curls messy from sleep, and dressed in a gray t-shirt and black sweats. It’s Trevor.
“How… what?” Tess gasps and slides down the wall, her breath suddenly coming too fast, and the edges of her vision start to darken. Just before she passes out, two thoughts run through her mind, what the hell happened, and where the fuck was Joel.
—
When Tess comes too, she’s a lot calmer, and it takes her only a matter of moments to assure Trevor that she’s just fine and not to worry. She just got a little light-headed from getting up too fast out of bed and not drinking enough water yesterday. She tells him that she wants to grab some coffee from her favorite place just down the block and gets up off the floor to go into the bedroom and get changed. He offers to go with her, but she turns him down, saying that he should finish breakfast and not worry, she’s totally fine. He reluctantly agrees, and Tess quickly dresses, grabs her purse, heads downstairs, and rushes for the nearest pay phone, trying not to get overwhelmed by all the noises of the city surrounding her. She closes herself in the phone booth and grabs the headset off the hook. For a moment, she just breathes and listens to the dial tone in the receiver, then she dials zero.
“Yes, how can I help you?” a bored-sounding woman asks on the other end of the line.
“Yes, I’m trying to get the phone number for Joel Miller in Austin, Texas.” Tess waits, holding her breath as she hears the women shifting around.
“Yes, I have one. Would you like the number and for me to connect you?” She asks.
“Yes! Yes, please.” Tess responds, pulling out the pad of paper and pen she stuffed in her purse before leaving. She jots down the number, then the phone clicks and starts to ring. Tess holds her breath and waits. One, two, three, she starts taping her foot, four, five, six, her breath catches as she hears the line pick up and then some fumbling on the other end.
“What!?” A deep voice she would know anywhere answers the phone, annoyance clear in the tone.
“Joel…” She breathes, barely able to push any sound out of her chest.
“Tess…” He gasps, and then she hears more rustling, muffled voices. Then a door opens and closes, and it's suddenly so quiet. “Tess, is that you?”
She tries to speak, but a sob gets stuck in her throat, and all that comes out is a strangled, wet sound.
“Tess, please say somethin’. You weren’t here, I woke up, darlin’, and you weren’t here.” Joel’s voice is distraught and tight. It’s enough to break Tess out of her state.
“I’m here, Joel, shit.” she has to press her fist against her mouth to hold back the desperate sound trying to escape and leans her head against the cold glass of the booth. “Joel, I’m in Detroit. I don’t know how. I’m… shit, I’m 21 again.”
“I know, I know… It’s insane. Sarah- Sarah’s here. She’s alive, Tess…” Joel chokes and stops, a hard sob breaks through the line. “I went to her room after I couldn’t find you, and she’s so small, Tess. She was breathin’. I think I scared her. I had to pick her up. Hold her. I was cryin’… but I couldn’t let her go, I…” Joel stutters and takes a heaving breath, his voice cutting out.
“Joel, what do we do?” Tess asks, the silence stretching too long.
“Ah, Tommy’s here. He came tearin’ down the street just before you called. He’s just as confused as us. I don’t know… I can’t leave Tess.” Joel says the last part like he’s worried Tess might be mad, but she’s already shaking her head.
“No, no. I’m coming to you.” Tess looks outside at all the people moving around; coincidentally, a plane flies far overhead. “I’m going to catch the next flight. I’m coming to you, Joel. I’m coming.” Her skin prickles painfully at the thought of getting on a plane, but it’s more than 10 years before the outbreak. She’s not willing to take the time to drive. She needs to see Joel.
“I have to deal with Trevor. Shit.” Tess swears, looking at the ring finger on her left hand, pale and free of jewelry. Christmas of this year he would ask her to marry him, and she’d say yes because she loved him, because she wanted to be with him. She wants to feel guilty, but hearing Joel’s voice on the other side of the phone line has her blood heating and her heart racing. What she has with Joel is heavy and wrapped up in all they’ve been through, it makes the love she once felt for Trevor seem small and tawdry in comparison.
“Trevor?” Joel asks, his tone grating. “Who the fuck is Trevor?” Tess sighs and clutches the phone in her hand. Joel knew that she’d been married before, but she’d never really said his name, it hadn’t really mattered. When it came up, they weren’t exactly at the point in their relationship where they were sharing things. The only reason it had come up at all was because he’d found the stretch marks on her skin, and she’d had to explain… Charlie. Charlie, Charlie. Tess runs her hand under her shirt, lifting it up, and is met by a firm, flat belly. No stretch marks, a damn belly button ring twinkling at her. She’s had to take it out once her stomach started… shit, Charlie. “Tess? You still there?”
“Yeah, yeah, sorry, I’m here. Ah, Trevor was my husband…, is my boyfriend right now. God, this is confusing. He’s my boyfriend, and eventually, we got-get married. He’s- he’s Charlie’s dad.” Tess takes a minute to squeeze her eyes shut and lick her dry lips. Shit, she could really use a drink.
“Charlie is he… is he there?” Joel asks. She can almost hear his brain spinning, trying to run through a timeline in his head.
“No, it’s too soon. Not for a couple more years, or- or it won’t be for a couple more years if everything… I can’t think about this right now, Joel. I can’t. I’m going back to my apartment. I’ll deal with Trevor, pack a bag, and be out there as soon as possible. When I figure out the times, I’ll call you again.” Her mind is already running through everything she’ll need. She digs through her purse and pulls out her wallet. Inside is the credit card her parents gave her, it has a high enough balance she should be able to pay for the ticket without a problem.
“Sure, Tess, I’ll be ready.” He pauses, and Tess waits, “I love you, be careful, darlin’.”
—
Tess runs he hands through her hair for the hundredth time in the last hour, and finally, the captain comes on the loudspeaker to say that the plane will be landing at the Austin Airport after the multitude of delays.
She buckles her seatbelt and closes her eyes, willing the next few minutes to go by quickly. It must work because the next thing she knows, she's being told to deboard, and she nearly bowls over the flight attendant in her rush to get out. They were supposed to have landed nearly an hour and a half ago. Joel will have been waiting for so long. She strides off the air bridge and scans the room, her eyes skip over faces until suddenly they lock, and her heart skips a beat.
“Holy shit…” she whispers and stumbles forward. “Holy fucking shit…” she pushes past a couple hugging, a man struggling with his carry-on and a woman who just gets in her damn way. “Tommy fucking Miller, it can't be you?” She yells, throwing herself into his arms.
Tommy looks up, face clean-shaven, hair cut high and tight, brown eyes sparkling. He smiles wide, face wrinkle-free and so young.
“Tess Jesus Christ, is that you?” Tommy says, giving her a fierce hug and then pulling her back so he can get a better look at her. “You look like a gah-dam hippie.”
“Well, nice to see you too, Tommy, and you look like a damn baby. I’m surprised your voice didn’t just crack.” Tess laughs, wrapping her arms around him again and squeezing him so hard he actually squeaks.
“C’mon, Tess. I ain't that young. You’re only a year fuckin’ older than me, " he says as she finally lets him go.
“Yeah, well, I just didn’t expect this. Look at your hair and your face,” she squints at him, then her mouth opens in shock. “Wait, how the fuck are you here? You’re in the army right now. Shouldn’t you be in Iraq?” She asks, her hand gripping his biceps hard.
“I am, but thank all that’s holy, I’m on leave for the next three weeks. I don’t know what the fuck I’m gonna do when I have to go back.” Tommy laments, his smile falling a little looking behind her as a group of people get called to board their plane. Tess slides her hands up to his face and cups it lightly.
“Don’t worry, cowboy, we’ll figure this out. Haven’t I always been able to figure this shit out?” She pulls away and scans around behind him. “Now, where’s Joel?”
“Shit yeah. Sarah was trying to hold it, but she couldn’t anymore, and when you’re potty trainin’, you gotta go when nature calls.” Tommy says, laughing, his eyes suddenly wet.
“Oh my god, she’s here with you?” Tess asks, searching the crowd.
“Yeah, I floated the idea of leavin’ her with our mama, but Joel wouldn’t have it, and I can’t say as I really blame him. The thought of her bein’ out of his sight nearly had him havin’ a panic attack. I had to remind the bastard to take his anxiety medicine this mornin’.” Tommy turns and looks behind him and to the left. “Shit, I think I see him now.”
Tess follows his line of sight, and then she sees him, heart clenching, she brings her hand to her sternum, sweaty palm pressing flat, her breath a ragged staccato. He’s looking down at a little girl dressed in a bright purple sun dress with butterflies all over it. She’s got on clear plastic jelly sandals, and her blonde coils are done in two poofs at the side of her head. Her caramel skin shines with health, and her big brown eyes are trained on her daddy as he talks to her. He’s tall like he’s always been, but he's not as broad as he’ll be in 12 years when she first meets him. He’s wearing a short-sleeved green button-up, his wide shoulders tapering to a trim waist and strong legs wrapped in light-wash blue jeans. His face is thinner, and he’s got no beard to speak of, just a shiny and lush mustache adorning his upper lip. When his face finally comes up and his dark pools of brown lock with her’s she can’t hold back any longer.
“Joel!” His name is torn from her lips, and she’s running her bag forgotten at Tommy's feet. Joel easily reaches down and scoops Sarah into his arms, jogging towards her.
“Tess!” he yells, and then they collide like two planets drawn together by gravitational pull. He manages to keep Sarah safe from the crush, but he huffs out a breath at the impact. “Darlin’,” he grunts and holds her to him as tight as he can with one arm. Tommy’s next to them now and he’s taking Sarah from Joel’s arms, and then both of his arms are around Tess, and her face is pressed to the croak of his neck. He smells so much like himself and yet so different. He’s wearing some sort of aftershave, it's subtle but masculine. He’s never worn aftershave before, but this is before Joel. Tess twines her arms around his neck and breathes in this new smell, connecting herself to this Joel who’s so different from her Joel but also the same.
“I thought… I don’t even know.” She mumbles against the skin of his neck, her mind stutters, and she can’t think of anything beyond the feeling of him against her. Then his hands are on her face, and he’s tilting it up so that she’s looking at him. His face is so young, a shadow of the man she knows in Jackson, no, not a shadow, this is who he’s supposed to be this is the man who still has a living daughter, who still has hope in the world. The man she knows is the shadow, the broken shards of the man that now stands before her, his face above hers. But when her eyes meet his, she sees her Joel, the one who knows great loss, so much so that he’s aware of how momentous this situation is. He feels the extreme pressure of having back what had been taken from him and needing to find a way to keep it from happening again. She sees all of this in his eyes, and it overwhelms her for a moment. She doesn’t know how to process all of it. She tries to look away, but he pulls her back, and then his voice rumbles over her like a mountain breeze, like the breezes in Jackson coming off the Tetons, and it soothes her.
“It’s okay, Tess, we’re gonna be okay. We’re gonna figure it out.” It’s like he’s read her mind, which, of course, he has. They’re partners, a team, unbreakable, inseparable. Nothing could tear them apart. They have lived so much in each other's heads for years that they almost know what the other is thinking before they know it themself. Even in these new but also old bodies, they knew each other. It’s instinctive.
“I know.” She says, lifting her fingers to run along the curve of his jaw. His skin smooth, blemish-free. She brushes along a spot just below his ear that once had a line of puckered flesh, a scar he had acquitted during the early days of their partnership, she’d sewn him up done a pretty decent job too, if she could say so herself. But now it’s gone, instead replaced with tanned skin soft to the touch, and she wants to kiss it. She wants to run her lips against all the places that once held the proof of his protection of her, his love, the only love that he had been able to show in the beginning. It hurts to think that they are all gone now, taken away from them, replaced by this perfect young skin instead.
His hand comes up and covers hers, pulling it away from her investigation and bringing it to his lips to place a delicate kiss into her palm. Electricity tingles from where his mouth touches, and she looks to his lips, wanting to know what he tastes like. Will it be like her, Joel? She pushes herself up on her toes, her hand resting on his shoulder, and he’s bending down to meet her, his lips just skim hers, the bearest of touches, when a little voice pipes up.
“Daddy, Daddy.” Sarah’s voice is so small and sweet, like the tinkling of bells, and it pulls them both out of the intimacy of the moment, and they turn to look at her bouncing in Tommy’s arms. “I wanna say hi hi, Daddy, I wanna say hi hi.” She says, leaning her body away from Tommy, little arms reaching out for Joel. Tess laughs and steps away as Joel’s arms reluctantly loosen around her so he can take Sarah instead. Tommy gives the both of them an apologetic look, but Joel just hangs on to Sarah, popped against his hip, one arm under her butt, and places his other hand on Tommy’s shoulder. He gives it a quick pat and mumbles an ‘It’s no problem, brother’ before returning his hand to place it on Sarah’s back.
“Well, baby girl, I want you to meet someone real special to Daddy. Her name’s Miss Tess. Can you say Hi-hi?” Joel says to Sarah, his voice soft, gentle, patient. It’s a voice that she’s only ever heard him use with Ellie.
“Hi-hi, Miss. Tess. I’m Sarah. This is daddy.” The little girl says, pointing up to Joel and then turning to point to Tommy. “And Tio Tommy.” She pronounces proudly, bouncing her body against Joel's side in her excitement. All the adults laugh, unable to resist Sarah’s glee.
“Well, hello, Sarah. I’m so happy to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.” And if her voice cracks a little at the end of her sentence, neither Joel nor Tommy remark on it. She can see the answering glisten in their own eyes. Just yesterday, Sarah had been a memory shared only among those most closely held to Joel’s heart, and now here she is, living and breathing in front of their eyes, and it feels so unreal. Tess reaches out a hand, and Sarah happily places her own inside. It’s small, the fingers engulfed in Tess’s, but she does a good approximation of a shake before pulling her hand away again and curling it around the collar of Joel’s shirt.
“We should probably get home. It’s gettin’ late, and we need to get this one somethin’ to eat.” Joel says, turning to Sarah and bopping the tip of her nose with his finger. She lets out an endearing giggle, and Tess watches as both men's faces melt with love, eyes softening, and mouths curling into wide smiles.
“McDonalds, Daddy. Happy meal, please!!” Sarah entreats, her little hands clapping together in plea, begging to have this special treat.
“Alright, baby girl, it’s been a busy day, why not? But when we get home, it’s gonna be straight to bed okay?” Joel says, smoothing a hand down the curve of her back.
“Ah, huh. Can I still has a story and tuck in?” She questions her eyes on her daddy, and Tess can see this little girl's trust in Joel. Her whole life is wrapped up in this man, she’s so sure that he will always be there for her. His arms will always hold her, his lips will always kiss away her pain, his voice will always have the right words to scare away the monsters. This is a little girl who knows her daddy will always be there to protect her, and it breaks Tess’s heart because she knows that it's because of Joel that she feels this way. Because from the moment of her birth he has made sure to be by her side, and he will continue to cultivate this feeling inside his daughter. He will make sure that she always knows that she is loved and protected until the day comes when all of that will fall to pieces, everything he had done for the 14 years of her life will come to naught. She can see that relaxation in both Joel and Tommy, and she weeps for them inwardly because no one should know the fate of their loved ones.
She can only pray that they can change it somehow, that knowing this fate will allow them to stop what’s going to happen. Tess shakes herself from her reverie and feels Joel’s eyes on her. She looks at him, and he knows where her mind is, he reaches a hand out to brush his fingers delicately against hers, questioning.
She tangles her fingers with his and gives him a small smile. “I’ll be okay, Texas, lets get some food I’m starving.”
“Okay, darlin', let's go home.”
—
Sarah’s in bed, fast asleep. Joel watches her from the door, his shoulder braced against the side; he can’t seem to take his eyes off her. Tess lays a hand on his back and leans into him, he lifts his arm up and drapes it over her shoulders so that she can settle into his side.
“She’s beautiful, Joel, beyond what I could have imagined.”
“Yeah, she is, ain’t she.”
They stand for a moment more, then Joel sighs, and he nudges her gently with his hip.
“Let’s go to the kitchen. I got the baby monitor out of the closet and set it back up in her room so I can keep an ear on her that way.” Joel herds her with his hands into the kitchen, where Tommy’s leaning against the counter with a glass of whiskey in hand.
Tess reaches over and plucks it from his fingers, downing it in one swallow. It burns all the way down.
“Tess, what the hell?” Tommy complains, reaching out to try to grab the glass back. She laughs and lets him have the empty tumbler.
“You’re too young to be drinking alcohol.”
“Shut up, Tess. Jesus, if you wanna forget the fact that I’m a 53-year-old man stuck inside the body of a 20-year-old, that’s fine. But even when I was 20 the first time, I’d been drinking since I was 15.” Tommy pours himself another glass and takes a slow sip. “Shit, nothin’ compares to the real thing.”
“Okay, you two, cut the bullshit. We need to figure out what the hell is happenin’ here.” Joel grabs the whiskey bottle away from Tommy and slides it back into the liquor cabinet. High up so little hands can’t reach.
“I don’t fuckin’ know any more than you do. I went to bed next to my pregnant wife and sleepin’ son, and I woke up in my shitty ass apartment in Austin, 33 fuckin’ years younger. No wife or kid to speak of.” Tommy seethes, slamming down his glasses on the table. Joel’s face pinches, and he gives Tommy an angry look, gesturing for Tommy to lower his voice. Tommy sighs and runs his hand down his face before leaning back against the counter, his shoulders slumped. “Sorry, Joel. I know you’re happy to have Sarah back, and I am too, don’t get me wrong. I just ain’t in a great place with all this.” Tommy says, waving his hand vaguely.
“Did you try contacting Maria?” Tess asks.
“Yeah, first thing, but it’s complicated, she woulda just turned 18 last month. I think she’s still livin’ with her daddy. I tried callin’ her house, but no one answered. I’ve tried a couple more times today, but still no answer. She and her dad used to go campin’ a lot, so that may be where she is. I don’t even know if she’ll know me, she may not have come back with us.” Tommy says dejectedly, running his pointer finger along the rim of his glass.
“So you think she didn’t?” Tess questions, lifting herself up onto the counter backward, her legs hanging off and crossed at the ankle. Joel tsks at her, and she flips him the bird with a sweet smile.
“I don’t know. I got no idea what happened.” Tommy says, rolling his eyes at their behavior. He pushes off the counter and runs a hand across the back of his neck, “Honestly, I know the two of ya do this best, and I’m beat, so I’m gonna hit the sack. Is it okay if I crash in your guest room?”
“Well, I’m not sure..” Joel looks to Tess, and she immediately waves her hand at him. “I’m not sleeping in your fucking guest room, Joel.” They hadn’t really had the conversation yet about Trevor and what that meant for them, but she needs to make it very clear right here and now that she’s not sleeping anywhere but with him.
“Alright then, guess that’s settled.” Joel nods his head at her and turns to Tommy. “You can use the guest room. I don’t know what state it’s in, I didn’t look in at it today, and I can’t remember what I was doin’ with it back in 92.”
Tommy shrugs his shoulders, “Don’t really matter to me. I'll sleep as long as it still has a flat surface for me to lie down on. Catch me up on what you two talk about in the mornin’.” He picks up the baby monitor from the counter and waves it at Joel, giving him a little wink, “I’ll keep this with me. If she wakes up in the night, I’ll handle it. I figure you two got a lot to talk about.” Tess looks after him as he saunters away. All lean muscular limbs, tanned skin, and freckles. She’s never seen him like this, so young, having been in the army for 3 years at this point he’s in the best shape of his life.
He’d always moved like he was a panther when they’d been out on a job together, smooth, quiet, graceful. He was one of the few people she knew who could calmly take aim and shoot while standing or walking, never flinching as shots whizzed around him. He told her once it’s because when you're going against people who’re just shooting from the hip, they’re more likely to miss you, so if you just stand your ground and take time to aim, you’re more likely to be the victor, and he’d proved it more times then she could count. It was disconcerting watching him walk across a room, calmly shooting as bodies fell in front of him, hand continuously clearing the chamber, eye to the scope, finger gently caressing the trigger, it was almost sensual. Tess wonders if Maria ever watched him shoot before they first got together. She’d have to ask her the next time she saw her, if she saw her.
“What do you think is happenin’?” Joel asks, and Tess pulls herself out of her thoughts and looks to him where he’s putting away the dishes that are in the drying rack.
“I honestly don’t know. I went to sleep with you in Jackson, and then I woke up in Detroit,” Tess says, putting her hands behind her and stretching her back out. She could see Joel following the long line of her legs with his eyes.
“With Trevor.” He says, his voice tight, back to her as he puts the silverware away in the drawer.
“No, I didn’t wake up with Trevor. He was in my apartment, but I was in bed by myself.” She teased.
“But he was with ya last night,” Joel turns from the cabinets, and his eyes are dark, even without the ravages of time to hone his face into the glare she has come to love and loath, he does a good job of looking intimidating. But he can’t intimidate her, she knows him too well, plus she also knows something he doesn’t.
“No, he wasn’t. He slept on the couch,” Tess says, uncrossing and then recrossing her ankles, changing which one was on top.
“What?” he questions, his brows rising and eyes lightening.
“Yeah, you see Joel, I don’t know what impression you got of me before the outbreak, but I was a good girl.” Tess places her hands on her thighs, slides them down to her knees, and then back to the top of her denim shorts. Joel scoffs and purses his lips like he thinks she’s playing with him. She laughs, “I’m actually not lying to you Joel. I was a good little girl saving myself for marriage.”
“You’re playin’ with me,” Joel says, taking a step towards her.
“I’m not, I swear. I was focused on school. I didn’t want to let sex get in the way.” She pulls her hair over her shoulder and starts to run her fingers through it while peeking at him from the corner of her eye.
“And Trevor was okay with that?” Joel takes another step toward her.
“Well, he had to be if he wanted to stay with me, plus, just because we didn’t have sex doesn’t mean that we didn’t do other things.” She smiles at him, and his eyes darken again, but this time with lust, not jealousy.
“So you’re sayin’ you would fool around with him, on your couch, I’m guessin’.”
“Yup.”
“And then leave him there to go sleep in your own bed.”
“That’s right.” She pulls her hands from her hair and puts them back on the counter, leaning back a little.
“Damn, that’s cold, Tess.” He slides a step closer, licking his lips absentmindedly.
“No, it was logical. Bed equates to sex for too many people. I was not going to let him get the wrong idea. So he slept on the couch, and I slept in my bed. If he didn’t like that, then he could just go to his apartment.”
“So you're sayin’ you and he haven’t had sex yet?” He steps in front of her, his hands coming down to rest on her knees.
“Yes, that’s what I’m saying.” She uncrosses her ankles, and he spreads her thighs.
“What about you’re boyfriends before him?” He steps in between her legs, and his hands come off her knees to rest next to hers on the counter.
“Same rules applied.” She leans into his space, her mouth inches from his.
“So you’re tellin’ me that, at this point, you’ve never slept with anyone before?” He whispers, his nose nudging hers.
“Yeah.” She breathes, her tongue flicking out to wet her lips.
“So you’re a virgin?” He rumbles, voice low, eyes half-lidded.
“Yes...” She gasps, the word not even out of her lips before his mouth crashes down on hers. His arms wrap around her back, and he’s crushing her to him. She wraps her legs around his waist and locks her ankles behind his back. Her hands come up and tangle in his dark brown curls, and she moans into his mouth when he twines one of his hands up into her hair and tilts her head so he can get a better angle. He tastes like Joel, her Joel, and she’s able to fall into the rhythm of it, their movements practiced and perfected. He grunts and lifts her, walking towards the stairs, lips working down her jaw.
“Joel, we could’ve just stayed there,” she pants, holding tight to his neck as he ascends the steps.
He growls, striding towards his bedroom, “I ain’t taken ya for the first time on the fuckin’ kitchen counter.” He pushes the door open and carefully closes it behind him, not wanting to wake Sarah. He bends down, and her back hits the bed. He follows her, arms never leaving her body as he slides her further up till her head is on the pillow. His lips move down her neck and along her collarbone; she moans and pushes at his chest. He lifts up, eyes shrouded in the dark of the room. Breaths coming in ragged puffs.
“Wait, just wait,” she says, her breath coming fast. He immediately moves off of her, shifting to the side. His face comes into view, illuminated by the streetlight outside, and she can see the concern in his eyes..
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t been going so fast,” he says, running his hand along her arm.
“No, it’s not that. You were doing fine. It’s just shit, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but we should really talk before we go any further,” She struggles, pushing herself upwards, and lays on her side facing him. She places her hand on his cheek and kisses him gently, fingers skimming across his mustache delicately.
“I like this look on you, Tex, very narcotic officer from TV.” He scrunches his upper lip and pulls her hand away. “Tickles, " he mumbles, and she laughs softly.
“So, is this about Trevor?” Joel asks, his voice surprisingly understanding, considering his jealousy earlier.
“Yes and no.” Tess sighs and places her hand on Joel's chest. “Not in the way you think.”
“It’s Charlie then,” Joel says his voice going soft, hesitant.
“Yeah,” Tess lets out a stuttered breath. “Trevor and I just started dating a couple of months ago, but it goes fast. By Christmas, he’ll ask me to marry him, and I’ll say yes because I love him. I really did, do, shit it’s all so wrapped up in my head. We get married the following year, and then it’s just a race.” She laughs. Joel wraps her hand in his and tucks it close to his heart. “We’re both so busy with residency and each other we don’t think about anything else. The years spin by, and then I wake up one morning, and I know, I just fucking know that somethings off, and I go and buy one of those stupid sticks at the corner store, and it comes back pregnant.” She twists he feet on the bed, trying to warm them, and Joel looks down and extracts himself from her gently to reach the end of the bed, grabbing a quilt folded ever so nicely in waiting.
“Here ya go, darlin’.” He mummers and tugs it over the top of them. She thanks him with a kiss and places her hand back on his heart. The movement of his lungs and the beat of his heart under her fingertips is calming. It allows her to continue.
“We wern’t looking to have kids yet, we had a plan. He was going to finish up medical school and I was going to finish up nursing school. But suddenly, we were faced with those two lines, and I didn’t want to waste the chance. I figure it’s already here, I’m married, with the help of my parents and their money, I wasn’t worried that we would struggle, so we said, ‘fuck it,’ and then in April of 1995, he was born.” Tess stops her eyes close at the memories of that day. For so long, she had buried them away, locked them so far down in her subconscious that she almost thought they were gone, not forgotten, just gone, missing to the void of her past. But now they come rushing back to her, and she has to bite her lips and squeeze her fist in Joel's shit to shuffle them away. She can’t deal with those right now, later, after. She feels the press of Joel’s callused fingers on her cheek, his soft lips on her forehead, and the sound of his watch ticking on his wrist.
“Take your time,” He whispers across her skin like she’s made of paper, and if he speaks too loud, she might blow away, and honestly, she feels that way right now, like one false move and she’ll slip from his fingers and disappear. So she takes him at his word, collects herself, breathes in and out, unclenches her fingers, and opens her eyes to stare into his patient face.
“If I don’t go back to Trevor in Detroit, that’s the end of it. Right now, you have Sarah and god, Joel, I don’t begrudge you that. I swear on my love for you that I don’t. But I don’t have Charlie, and there is only one way to get him.” She laughs, and it's a dark thing, cracked and warped, grating at the edges.
“What do you want to do?” Joel asks, and there’s no judgment in the question. She knows that if she told him right now that she was going to go back to Trevor, he would let her. He would drive her back to the airport, kiss her with all he had, and send her on her way. Oh, he would ache for her, of course, but he would never call, never write, never darken her doorstep because he knows what it is to lose. And knowing this, is what makes the choice for her, if there was ever really was one to begin with.
“I can’t go back to him and just pretend that all of what happened after the world ended didn’t happen. I can’t marry him and play make-believe just so I can have Charlie. It would be unkind to him and me, and I don’t know that it would be fair to Charlie. Going about it that way to have him, under that kind of pretense, it’s cruel.” She pauses to sit up in the bed, her back against the pillows. Joel follows her, taking both her hands in his. “As much as I miss him, I’ve already mourned him, already said my goodbye. Maybe I need to leave it at that, except that by making this choice, I might finally make amends for how I left him. Maybe this is how it’s meant to be.”
Joel watches her, his hands steady around hers, warm, safe. He’s giving her time to feel this out for herself and make her own choice, and she loves him for it. She loves him because he knows her, knows how her mind works, and gives her the space she needs to think. He’s quiet, his presence firm and resolute, when he sees her start to break, he pulls her in and lets her fall apart. Lets her feel the choice she’s making. She won’t be going back to Trevor, and this means she’s saying goodbye to Charlie for good, something she truly thought she was done with. But this trip back in time has opened up that door for her again, and now she’s closing it, and while it hurts, a part of her is happy that it’s finally done. She lets herself feel it all, accepts Joel’s care and compassion, and then lets it go.
She looks at the clock and realizes more than two hours have passed since she and Joel came upstairs in a fit of passion, and while initially, the will had been there, now she’s just exhausted, worn down from the day. She turns to Joel and sees he already knows what she’s going to say.
“It’s okay, baby, let's just get some sleep. We got time.” He kisses the corner of her mouth, sweet and light, she smiles into it, her fingers coming to rest delicately on his jaw. He pulls back, and she can see the heat in his eyes. A part of her wants to answer it, but he quickly pushes it away, and it’s just affection that rolls over her. He stands up and pulls a shirt from his drawer, handing it to her, it's soft and smells of him. She has pajamas in her luggage, but it's still downstairs, and the pull of sleep is too strong. So she stands and turns away from him, stripping down to just her panties. She pulls his shirt on, it falls to the top of her thighs. The temptation to turn and look at him as he strips is strong, but she holds fast and waits until she hears him shuffling back into the bed. She pivots back to the bed, and her heart stutters. He's wearing a pair of plaid sleep pants, and that’s it. His chest bare.
“You gonna keep starin’, or are ya gonna get in bed.” He asks with a twitch from his mustache, and she crawls under the covers, trying to hide the blush on her cheeks. He pulls her close as soon as she’s laid on her side, back to his front, and places a kiss to the space just behind her ear and nuzzles into her hair. “Like your hair long, it suits ya.” he rumbles, and she pulls his hand up from where it rests just below her bust and places a kiss on the pad of each of his fingertips till she gets to his thumb, and then she gives him a little bite. He hisses and tugs her a little closer, his mouth returning to her ear. “Now you stop your teasin’ darlin’, or I can’t promise that we’ll get any sleep tonight.” She giggles a little but lets the tread of desire fade into the background. Closing her eyes, she prays that when she wakes up tomorrow, she won’t find herself somewhere else.