Archive of Our Own

The trees rustled with newly bloomed petals of spring, Chan-Il wanted to cut them all down till they once again resembled the deathly nakedness of the winter. It was sunny, but the moist soil caked his shoes and the afternoon breeze whipped his toga to and fro. A small part of him was starting to regret staying in his robes, but changing would have been a disrespect. He wouldn’t do that. Today was their graduation day after all. 

In his hands were three bouquets overflowing with roses. One came from his mother, the other a surprise from his buddies, and the final one was a present from himself to be given to one of his oldest friends. A smart, sweet, snarky, secretly reserved, yet kind friend.

It took a while to finally get to him. He could barely feel the ground underneath him, the soles of his shoes were fully caked in soil. Dirt stuck to the edges of his toga, barely visible due to its dark color. Not that he minded the long walk, they all wanted to put him above the hills of the reserve after all, overseeing the entirety of the green pastures and blooming trees. 

Following the steep and winded path, he made it up the tiny hill. The camphor tree planted next to his friend had grown exponentially in the last month; it stood much taller than Chan-Il now. Its branches shrouded his friend in shade, the letters engraved on the stone half-shielded from the light. 

*** Baek Cirrus, He Shined So Bright it Cleared the Sky***

The words struck a chill down his spine. He always knew graduation day was going to be special, but not like this. Sure, his heart was pounding, but it wasn’t from excitement. And yes, the tears in his eyes had started to dry up in the wind, but they weren’t tears of joy. The main detractor however was the way his mouth drooped low the entire day, enough for the air to dry his tongue with its salty breeze.

“Hey-” The tightness in his throat stopped him.

He took a deep breath and tried again.

“Hey Cirrus, I’m here again.” He forced a lighthearted laugh, but it failed to ease the pressure squeezing his chest under the tight confines of his robe. 

“Congratulations… We’ve finally graduated.” 

The silence did not respond.

“You always were the first to sneak away from the loud celebrations.” He sank himself down on the patch of grass to sit with his friend. The moist soil was gunking his robe, it was almost too cold to sit on. He didn’t care.

“I just wish you picked somewhere other than this place… Your apartment would have been better!” 

Chan-il joked, but no one was laughing. 

“I miss you…” 

The wind whistled in his ear. He clung to the sound and held it in his heart, it was the closest thing to a response he’d gotten that day.

“It’s amazing… Even after all this time, your grades were so high you were still chosen for the valedictory address. But obviously you couldn’t make it, so they wanted Skylar to do it instead 

-Oh, Skylar is our salutatorian by the way, but I think you already knew that.” 

Nothing followed.

“He couldn’t make it either actually.” he laughed, “I haven’t seen him since you were first brought here, I couldn’t even talk to him that day.” 

Chan-Il’s ears started to ring from the deafening quiet.

“I mean I guess it isn’t surprising. I don’t think anyone took it harder than he did, you know? You two were practically inseparable after all… And yet you left him. Left me.”

…

“Sorry, I know it’s not your fault.” The air wafted around him, and so, his sockets began to well. There was magic in the air, it roused his soul as if to pull it out from the deepest recesses of his heart. It took everything in his power to resist it, clenching his fists, gritting his teeth, closing his eyes, these acts were barely enough to stop him from falling apart right then and there.

“-Oh, I brought this for you.” Gently, he plopped one of the bouquets on the ground, it was full of white roses.

“I know you don’t like flowers but it’s not a graduation without flowers right? And who deserves flowers more than you? Not me, surely. -Oh! Our friends gave me a bouquet though.” He held the second bouquet, which was diverse in colors, in his hand and started pointing at its contents one by one. 

“This red one’s from Ji-gyeom, the white one was Jiwon’s, yellow from Yoochan, Oh Seungyon also gave me a red one. What about you, Cirrus? What color would you have given me?” The stems at the base of the bouquet started to snap in his grip.

“-Actually, I’ll share these with you. You deserve them more anyway.” Chan-Il laid one of the red roses as well as the yellow one onto the earth next to the stone. The deafening silence thanked him.

“You know what? I’ll give you all of them. I can always get more flowers anyway.” 

He tossed the whole bouquet down, lips quivering with anticipation. The welling in his sockets weighed heavier, his soul ready to pour from his eyelids. 

Desperately, he exclaimed again “A-and this one’s from my Mom! You should take it!” 

One by one he pulled out the flowers from the bouquet. Each flower, each petal plopping onto the heaping pile on the earth and rolling to the sides. 

And again, there was silence.

“Say something, damn it!” 

Desperate, he tipped the whole thing over, letting all the roses fall down into a scattered mess around his friend. Stains dropped from his eyes too… his soul was pouring out. “Fuck, I said I wouldn’t cry…” 

He wiped himself with his dark sleeves. “Give me something to work with Cirrus please, I miss you. ” 

The wind blew strongly for a brief moment. Was that it? 

“No, that isn’t enough! I need more than that. I don’t care what it is. Haunt me in my dreams, whisper into my ears when I’m alone, let me see you at least once…” 

Chan-il let himself crawl closer to the grave, resting his forehead on its edge.  “Even if you’re all pale and sickly looking, I promise you won’t scare me. I don’t want our friendship to end like this. We all miss you. Ri-in misses you, Skylar misses you too. Okay? So if you just give me a chance to-” 

There was a small noise. His soul grabbed onto the noise, his sign, his hope. Wishful thinking believed it was Cirrus’ voice, but he only thought that because the pitch and tone could only be heard in Cirrus’ proximity when he was alive... It came from behind. 

Chan-Il turned around and saw a withering figure. His eyes locked onto theirs. Pupils surrounded by dark rings behind black glasses that were symbols of insomnia. The dark hair that had once swayed elegantly in the wind was now stale, unkempt, and visibly longer, the brown of his eyes had receded in color, more akin to cardboard than chestnuts. 

“Skylar…” Chan-Il was unsure what it was, but when he looked at Skylar’s face and the way it seemed to retreat into itself, it filled him with a primal emotion, deep seated and sharp, taking hold of the recesses of his stomach… pity but more than that, hope . Seeing his face again after so long, despite all the painful changes it had undergone, sparked a warmth in Chan-il’s heart. He hadn’t felt this way in a month and yet it felt like decades, centuries, or even an eternity had passed since then.

The boy took a single step backwards.

“Skylar, wait!” Chan-Il fumbled with his robes and his soil caked soles, running as fast as his body would allow. He wouldn’t let Skylar disappear again, not after everything. He needed insight and closure, but most of all, he needed his friend back. 

The withered figure was petrified in place. The closer he got, the more it seemed like those cardboard colored eyes had no color at all. He put his hands on the boy’s shoulders, there was an absence of life, bony and wiry. “Skylar,” He was in awe, as if saying his name brought back a past life. 

The dark haired boy wet his lips as if to speak, and yet only nodded. 

“Skylar…?” He said it again, and now he was sure. This wasn’t a dream. 

“Hey Chan-il” He finally said. The limpness of the response resembled his voice from when they first met. Quiet with a lack of compulsion. 

Chan-il began to tremble again, “You never came back to school, I’ve missed you so much.” 

“I'm sorry…” It was evident now that Skylar’s voice was hoarse and crackling, as if he barely spoke at all in the past month.

He took Skylar’s hands, they felt bladed and pale while cupped in his own, bluish veins trailed past his knuckles and into the cuffs of his sleeves. He probably hasn’t eaten properly since then. If not for the sweater Skylar was wearing, he probably could have seen the veins trailing up his arms. 

His heart sank. What had Skylar been doing with his life? He looked like he could collapse at any moment. 

Chan-Il firmed his hold on Skylar’s fingers, “Can we get coffee? Please?” 

Skylar’s lips pursed, his bagged eyes squinting, “I-”

“-Please!” He begged. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. Not today. “It’s graduation day and I haven’t seen you in so long. I swear I’ll be quick.” That was a lie. Chan-il never lied to his friends, but in this situation he had to or he would have lost Skylar too…

***

“Here,” Chan-Il placed the wide-rimmed mug of black coffee in front of his friend, it landed with a small thud. Liquid wobbled inside the cup as its steam continued to rise. “It’s great to finally see you again, Skylar.” A limp smile formed on the redhead’s face. 

Skylar nodded, hands slowly enclosing on the mug of coffee in front of him. His fingers splayed to wrap around it in an awkward position, not holding it but not letting it go either. After a long pause, he replied. “You too.” His eyes stayed on the liquid, as if studying his own reflection. 

There was a growing tension in the air, it tugged at his heartstrings. Chan-Il took a sip of his americano, and asked the first of many questions he had in mind. “How have you been?”  

“I’ve been okay. My family’s been helping me through it.”

Chan-il nodded. “You know…” His thumb brushed over the side of his mug, wondering what to say next. Not because he had nothing to say, on the contrary, there were too many things to say, and he didn’t know which to start with. “The others were asking about you at school. If you were doing okay.”

For the first time since they’d sat down at that cafe, Skylar’s eyes had finally gone up and met his own. “I’m sorry. It’s just-, going to school…” Skylar swallowed, and started over. “I couldn’t find any reason to leave the house. Nothing made sense.”

“Don’t apologize, Skylar.” It was anything but Skylar’s fault, he must have been hurting so much, just like him. How many days has Skylar spent alone in the darkness of his room? How many days has he been crying? A month had passed and Chan-Il still cried at night, but unlike Skylar, he had Ri-in to share his pain with. Skylar chose to suffer alone all this time, he couldn’t imagine how painful that must have been. That’s why he wanted to meet with him, so he could be a helping hand, a shoulder to rely on, someone Skylar could speak his emotions to.

“I was hoping to see you at school today. A small part of me believed  you’d show up for graduation. I guess in a weird way, I was right.” Chan-Il smiled, “like a twist of fate.”

Skylar nodded. His silence said more than Chan-il could hope for, as if screaming words like ‘I am in pain’ or ‘I am suffering’. He could see it clear as day, and he wanted to melt the tension in Skylar’s heart.

“Do you go there often?” He reached out, tugging at the fold of Skylar’s sleeve, “To Cirrus?” He clarified.

“Today was the first time.”

“Why?”

“I felt like I didn’t deserve it. But I also think I owed it to him,  to visit on the day he should have graduated…”

Chan-il flashed a mellow smile. Skylar’s responses were getting longer now. Small victories. “You must miss him a lot, right?”

Skylar grimaced, his eyes near-closing with a snarl. The sight made Chan-Il’s chest tighten, feeling guilty for bringing out painful memories for his friend.

“Sorry, you don’t need to answer that.”

“-No it’s okay.” Skylar tightened his grip on the coffee mug. He brought it to his lips, letting the liquid kiss him with its warm embrace before swallowing and putting it down. “I miss him everyday. Sometimes it still doesn’t feel real. Like I’m stuck in a nightmare.”

“I get what you mean…” 

The roaring sound of a siren came and went, it startled the both of them. Too familiar was its sound, too many memories did it harbor. He remembers hearing Ri-in’s agonized voice, she shrieked on the other side of the phone, telling him to come to the hospital because Cirrus got hit... 

A while has passed since then, but whenever Ri-in squeaked too loudly, it reminded him of those haunting memories.

Chan-il took a deep breath and continued, “You know, I’ll always be here for you Skylar. You know that right?”

Skylar pouted, seemingly unconvinced. His hands retreated under the table, holding onto the rim of his own shirt. 

“It was really painful. For all of us. I can’t even imagine what you must have been through but…” He tapped the side of his mug, and looked at the faded color of Skylar’s brown pupils directly. “When I talked to Ri-in, it always made me feel better. Knowing someone else understood and felt my pain? It reminded me that I wasn’t alone. So you can talk to me, okay? I can’t promise I’ll understand everything, but I’ll always listen. You’re my friend.”

Skylar smiled, it felt more out of politeness than anything “Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Chan-Il nodded, looking down at the now stale mug of coffee in his hands  “I’m sure if Cirrus were here he’d roll his eyes at us for being so cheesy.”

It was just an off-handed joke, he didn’t expect much out of it. But he heard a laugh. A bright laugh resonating from Skylar’s throat. He looked up, the boy smiled at him. This was good . “Progress,” he thought.

Chan-Il, goaded by his laughter, continued. “Cirrus always was a bit of a coward, right Skylar?”

The dark-haired boy snickered, color returning to his features. “Yeah, he really was.” His shoulders slumped from their tense position, his eyes fixated on Chan-il’s own. “Did I ever tell you about the one time we watched a horror movie?”

Hope alighted in his chest, it burned inside of him. Skylar was starting to open up. Chan-Il straightened up, put his elbow on the table, and rested a cheek on his hand “No, you haven’t. Tell me.”

“Okay so,” Skylar inched forward in his seat, his brows relaxed from their furrowed position and his eyes shone faintly with the yellow of the sun, the color of excitement. “Cirrus stopped by my mom’s place to do some homework. After a while we both got bored and I asked him if a scary movie was fine, and he said yes. The whole time we were watching he was weirdly quiet so I asked him if he was okay, and he said ‘it wasn’t even that scary’. Later that night he begged me to walk him home. He wouldn’t say why but I could tell from his shaking that he was scared of seeing a ghost.” Skylar giggled at the story, the paleness of his cheeks starting to fade. “He was always too embarrassed to let his feelings show , but I could always tell what he was thinking… It was kinda funny.”

Skylar’s face lit up when he talked about Cirrus. His heavy eyelids opened up, lips and cheeks widened with a meek smile, his pupils had a glint of excitement, overall, color seemed to return to his face.

He missed this. Skylar’s voice, Skylar’s laugh, the way his ears tinted red whenever he found something funny, the small hint of snarkiness that came from his diction. These small details reignited from his memory the more time they spent together. Chan-Il couldn’t help but smile, it was a cute memory made even cuter by Skylar’s ministrations. “Cirrus was such a handful.”

Skylar sighed, the wrinkles from his smile slowly straightening out as his face returned to its apathetic blankness.  He looked out towards the window and stared at the beyond. “Yeah… he really was.”

“If I’m being honest, I wasn’t expecting the two of you to hit it off the way you did.” Chan-Il reached out and tugged at Skylar’s sleeve again, touching him to ensure that he was really there, not just a dream his mind made up. “It felt a little weird at first, seeing you two being so chummy. But every time Cirrus was around, you were always talking and laughing. I was a little jealous, we were friends first after all.” He chuckled, tightening his grip on Skylar’s cuff. “It made sense though, the two of you being best friends.”

“Oh yeah… He called us that, didn’t he?” Skylar pulled away his arm.  “Best friends.” 

Chan-Il grimaced, was it too soon for physical touch like this? Most people felt better from such gestures, but this was Skylar after all. Maybe it made him uncomfortable, his face was pale and sweaty, tugging at his collar.

He held Skylar’s sleeve again, “Hey, aren’t you warm in that? Why are you wearing a sweater in this weather?”

“I was feeling a little cold earlier, it’s fine.” Skylar lightly tugged Chan-il’s arm away, but it didn’t stop him.

“Here,” Chan-Il curled his fingers into Skylar’s sleeve, startling the dark-haired boy. “Rolling the sleeves up gives the best of both worlds, it’ll feel a lot…-” Chan-il’s speech slowed to a halt, the more he rolled them up, the more horrified he became. The skin of Skylar’s wrists were bumpy and pale, there were faded lines in vague zig zag patterns… in the shape of slashing motions. Slits.

Instantly, Skylar jolted his hand away, rolling the sleeve down. He swallowed and bit his lower  lip.

And then there was silence.

“Skylar?” Chan-Il felt scared. He wanted to cry. How much was his friend hurting? “Are you sure you’re okay?”

How often was he harming himself ?

“-Stop. I’m fine.” Skylar’s voice trembled, it only worsened the fear in Chan-Il’s chest. 

Is that a lie? It must be. He was cutting his own wrists. No way Skylar was okay. He wants to help. He has to help. No way is he gonna leave another friend in pain. There was just no way. But what was he supposed to say? He was so afraid of the idea that Skylar might decide to… disappear , that he couldn’t tell what the right words to say were.

Skylar got up, still startled “I’m gonna go-”

“NO!” He yelled. Skylar froze, Chan-Il froze, the entire cafe seemed to freeze, startled by the sudden noise.

 “I mean…” He took Skylar’s hand. Slowly. He had to think. What could he say? It’s been so long since they were last alone together that he can’t remember what they used to do after taking photos together. 

That’s when it hit him.

“Photos…” He muttered.

“What?” Skylar mumbled back.

“It’s been so long since the last time so,” Chan-Il swallowed and forced a smile, “Let’s take pictures? For old time’s sake?”

At this, Skylar’s expression seemed to sour even further.

“Please? To make up for lost time. Do it for me?” Chan-Il took hold of his hand again, rough and bony, just like this morning. Obviously that wouldn’t change in an instant…

The pale brown eyes wavered for a while, its color was dissipating even further. Then, he responded “Okay.”

***

Skylar lowers himself down, Chan-Il’s phone in his hand. He squatted there, by the flowers of the bushes, and stayed still as a statue. 

Chan-Il stared patiently, in awe at Skylar’s concentration. Even now, when his eyes were sunken with grief, and shoulder blades popping out of his shirt from how skinny he was, Skylar still looked like a professional when taking photos. The focus in his eyes showed a lack of regard for anything else. People strode down the sidewalk behind him, some even ended up nudging his back with their legs, but he stayed perfectly still, focusing on the flowers. All that seemed to matter to Skylar were the things being shown on the camera. 

Finally, Skylar tapped Chan-Il’s phone and stood up. “Here” he muttered, extending his arm out to give the phone back.

His excitement to see Skylar’s photos must have been obvious with how fast he swiped the phone back. Chan-Il stared excitedly at the screen, his expression slowly morphing to one of morbid awe. 

In the photo, a bee lay atop one of the limp petals of a hibiscus’ withering form. The petal it was on looked like it was about to fall off, like the weight of the bee would cause it to rip off from the stem. His own picture of insects - the one of ants - came to mind, yet as always, Skylar was able to do so much more with similar subject material, Chan-Il could almost smell the photo from the screen. 

“It’s beautiful.” 

“It’s supposed to be tragic.” Skylar replied sharply.

“I know.” Chan-Il smiled.

“The bee is trying to collect nectar from a dead flower. It won’t get anything, it's just wasting its time on something that’s already dying.” Skylar explained tactlessly, a bitterness in his voice.

“I think it’s beautiful either way… Your photos are always so special, Skylar.” 

Skylar looked away. Blood returned to his pale cheeks. “No they’re not.”

“They are! Here, look at the photos I’ve taken on my phone. There’s a huge difference.” Chan-Il hovered over Skylar’s shoulder, putting the phone in front of them. “See? This one of the landscape was from last week, and this one was when I tried taking a good photo of Ri-in. It looks pretty but it doesn’t evoke the feelings that yours do Skylar, get what I mean? Everytime I see one of your pictures, I feel something you know?” 

Chan-Il’s face flushes a bit, embarrassed at how much he’s gushing. “T-they’re just really neat.”

Much to his surprise, Skylar smiled. “You’ve gotten a lot better. Even just on the cellphone.” His brown eyes locked with Chan-Il’s. “Can I see more?” 

“Sure!” Chan-Il kept scrolling through the pictures, explaining each one as much as he could. “This one was on our family hiking trip, the view was so beautiful from the mountain’s peak that I just had to take a photo. The whole time I was up there I regretted not bringing my camera!”

Slightly, by about half an inch, Skylar’s smile widened, so he showed another. 

“Oh, this one was when I went camping with Ji-Gyeom and the others. They looked so happy, it was the first time in a long while that I’d seen everyone having so much fun, so I had to take a picture,”

And another.

“Ah, this…” Chan-Il smiled, “Ri-in took this photo of me, honestly she’s better at making me look cute than I am.”

Skylar interrupted, “Yeah, she is.” He smiled.

Chan-Il nodded, feeling like someone was finally there to listen to him again. Skylar barely ever said anything at moments like these, yet his presence filled him with joy. The small agreements, little retorts, constructive criticisms, they all acknowledged Chan-Il’s existence in a way none of his other friends could. He missed it so much.

So he kept going, finger swiping through the photos a little more excitedly each time. Until…

‘Oh,’ 

His finger stopped. It’s this one. 

On the screen, Cirrus’ smile greeted them. His head was leaned to the side with a wink, and his hair brushed up on his eyebrows. Cirrus’ sharply red tinted pupils were cinched by a wide self-satisfied grin, on his neck was a necklace that held a silver ring. It contrasted vividly with the black color of his shirt. He looked happy here.

Skylar leaned closer, getting a closer look. His eyes grew wide. “Did you take this?” 

Chan-Il pursed his lips, “No, he took a selfie here. You know how he was.” 

Skylar took the phone from his hands. “I see.” 

He stared at it for a long while, Chan-Il didn’t interrupt him. 

After a while, Skylar broke the silence. “Can you send this to me?” 

“Of course.” Chan-Il himself stared at this photo among hundreds of others for a while. The night after Cirrus’ funeral, he spent the entire night shrouded in darkness, staring at the light of his phone flashing the pictures to his eyes. The smile on Cirrus’ face on this photo made a single thought loom over his head in the void of his room. I’m never gonna see that smile again. 

Skylar may have been quiet, but Chan-Il could feel it. Looking at this picture, Skylar was definitely thinking about it too, how that precious smug smile, and all the joys from the person that came with it, were never gonna be in his life ever again. So of course he would send him the picture, how could he deny Skylar the chance to reminisce?

A few minutes must have passed while they were staring at Cirrus’ face. Chan-Il decided to break the silence. “It’s a nice photo right?” 

“Yeah, Cirrus was pretty good at taking photos of himself.” He looks to Chan-Il, eyes half-lidded, “Thank you for showing me. I think I needed this after all.” 

He smiled, putting a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I have more, do you wanna see them?”

And there it was again, the way Skylar’s face lit up at the thought of Cirrus. He must have really missed him. “Please.”

Chan-Il nodded, swiping through his phone till he found more pictures of the silver-haired boy. He stopped at a photo of the boy sleeping at his desk, using his arms as pillows. There was a small drawing of a cat on his cheek. Beside him, Skylar smiled mischievously with a marker in his hand, his fingertips slightly stained by ink. 

“I remember this one,” Chan-Il smiled, “He said he wasn’t getting enough sleep at his new apartment. You even offered to watch over him while he slept, didn't you?” 

“Yeah I…” Skylar nodded, swallowing. “ —I remember this.” He took a deep breath, trying to keep his voice from hitching as he spoke. “He was so angry when he woke up…” Skylar forced a laugh. “It was worth it though.” 

Hearing Skylar shake up like that felt like he was being stabbed straight in the heart. If not for the fact he’d gone through these exact photos over and over in the past months, he probably would have started crying right there and then. 

Regardless, he kept swiping through, filtering through the pictures to find ones featuring his old friend. It didn’t take long, after passing a few pictures, Cirrus’ smug smile once again greeted his phone screen. He was standing next to an annoyed Skylar, waving an exam paper marked with red ink over Skylar’s head. It showed a perfect score and “1st” on the top right corner.

Chan-Il chuckled, “Oh yeah! This was when he scored higher than you in one of the exams.” 

“Yeah. I was always better at him in English… We studied together for that one, I didn’t think he’d end up beating me.” Skylar sighed, “He was such a quick learner. It always made me jealous.”

“If you ask me, you’re just a really good teacher. I learned a lot from you too.”

Skylar looked up to him with a chuckle. “Thanks, man.” 

He nodded, continuing to swipe through. It took a while longer since he had so many photos of Ri-in, he felt a little embarrassed sliding through so many with Skylar watching. After a while though, he found another one. All of them were in the photo this time, Chan-Il was close to the camera, taking a selfie with all the sleeping figures in his room. Ji-gyeom stole his bed and everyone else was on the floor. On the blankets set on the floor, Cirrus was unconscious with a peaceful smile on his face, beside him was a sleeping Skylar, mouth agape with drool. 

“The sleepover. We played so many games that night. I think that was the first time I saw your competitive side, Skylar.”

Skylar beamed, “I didn’t wanna lose to Cirrus, you know how annoying he was when he gloated. Of course we all ended up losing to Ji-gyeom but at least I didn’t lose to him.” 

Chan-Il’s smile widened, “You two were sleeping so peacefully here, it’s kinda cute actually.”

“Yeah…” His face flushed the slightest shade of red. “I guess it was.” Chan-Il was glad he started to feel better.

The next picture of Cirrus was just one swipe from the last. Occupying two bus seats together, Skylar had fallen asleep on Cirrus, his hair frizzed up and his forehead was pressed on the sleeve of Cirrus’ uniform. The taller boy was looking at the camera with a finger on his lips, hoping to stop anyone from waking Skylar.

“I don’t remember this…” Skylar’s mouth formed a glum smile, he seemed both happy and disappointed. 

“We were all just going home from school that one time so I’m not surprised,” Chan-Il zoomed the picture a little, enhancing their view of the two boys. “This was when you started pulling off all those all nighters for the SATs, you were really tired all the time. We were all getting really busy yet Cirrus seemed to take everything in stride. I don’t know how.”

“Right…” Skylar’s voice grew quiet again. “Can we stop now?”

“What do you mean?” 

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep myself from crying if I see anymore of these.” Skylar forced a laugh as he spoke, his voice trembled a little. 

Chan-Il laughed with him, a kind smile on his face. He looked at Skylar, whose eyes were shuddering, holding something back. He couldn’t help himself when he saw that and wrapped his arms around his friend tightly, rubbing circles on his back. Mostly for Skylar, but he couldn’t deny he wanted to hug him for a while now.

The dark-haired boy was taken by surprise, “W-what are you doing?” 

“It sounded like you needed a hug…” 

“Please…-” A tear fell down Skylar’s face, “You can stop.”

“No.” Chan-Il smiled, “I don’t want to.”

“Damn it,” He couldn’t help but laugh a little more, wiping away the tears that now flowed slowly down his cheeks. Skylar returned the hug, Chan-Il felt a soft warmth coming from his friend’s embrace. 

“I’ll always be here for you. You’re my friend.” Chan-Il tightened his grip a little as he said this to emphasize the point. 

Skylar sighed, they stayed like that for a while. The cold wind blew harshly on their skin, the long tufts of hair on their heads swayed with it, and yet Chan-Il could think of nothing but the warm comfort radiating from his chest.

Skylar was the first to pull away. He dusted the fabric of his coat for no real purpose and looked to the earth beneath them, as if lost. “Your photos are more refined these days.” 

“Oh, really?” Chan-Il replied, taking a step back to give his friend some more space.

“I remember the others saying your photography was too simple or too naive, or that your subject matter was always confusing. If they saw your pictures now, they wouldn’t be able to make the same comments.” Skylar smiled, giving the phone back.  “But I always did like how personal your pictures looked back then, even if others didn’t.”

Chan-Il wished he had his camera more than ever. He wished he could capture the look on Skylar’s face or had the words to describe them.

For some reason, Skylar’s words, along with his smile, both flattered him to the point of blushing yet broke his heart at the same time. He couldn’t tell if Skylar’s eyes showed optimism or apathy, and even if his words were complimentary, the tone of his voice was so quiet and rigid it felt like anything but that. There was a likely chance his friend was just being polite by joining him today. There was a chance he didn’t want to be there at all.

That didn’t bother Chan-Il though, they only became friends because of his constant pestering. Even if, like at the start, Skylar ended up hating him all over again, Chan-Il wouldn’t care. As long as he could help. “Wanna get a snack or something?” 

Skylar nodded limply, like a child bashfully agreeing to anything their parents wanted to do. 

To make things quick, Chan-Il lead them to a nearby convenience store. The store’s glass windows weren’t even cleaned yet for the day, so he could barely see what was inside. Skylar paused behind him. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“Nothing.” Skylar replied, “I just recognized the store. I’ve been here before.” There was a sentimentality in his otherwise quiet voice.

Chan-Il encouraged that sliver of emotion. “Oh, what are the odds, right?” He chuckled.

Skylar nodded and they stepped inside. When asked what he wanted, he grabbed a snickers bar from one of the aisles and threw it in the basket. 

“Is that all?”

“Yeah,” he smiled. “Did I ever tell you? A Snickers bar was the first thing Cirrus bought for me.”

Chan-Il felt his heart melt a little. “I think that’s cute.”

“It definitely was.” Skylar’s face flushed red as he reminisced. “Back then I really hated him. He used to cause me so much trouble, I never thought we’d end up as close as we did.”

He pondered for a bit. It definitely was a strange sight at first. When Chan-Il first noticed them becoming so close, he was both confused and delighted that two of his friends got on so well with each other. At first Skylar would just shut down Cirrus’ banter with snide remarks of his own, but something changed along the lines. 

He’d catch moments where Skylar would smile as he spewed insults back at Cirrus. Then they always seemed to hover around each other. At some point they were so comfortable together that  Skylar would wrap his shoulder around Cirrus or vice-versa. That was the biggest surprise, Cirrus hated physical touch, but because it was Skylar - someone Cirrus considered inseparable - it was fine. 

“Me neither,” Chan-Il finally replied, “but it felt right.” 

“Thanks.” 

Chan-Il nodded in response, grabbing another Snickers bar for himself along with two cans of soda from the fridge. When they got to the counter, Skylar offered to pay but Chan-Il refused. “No, it’s okay Skylar. I already dragged you all the way here.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind.” The dark haired boy smiled meekly. It seemed like he was really starting to enjoy himself. 

“Yes, Skylar. I’m just glad you’re here.” 

Skylar beamed again and Chan-Il felt the weight on his shoulders disappearing. “Seems like he’s having fun…”

Chan-Il paid for the food at the counter, giving a candy bar and soda can to his friend as they stepped outside. The rest of the stroll didn’t last too long, they walked through the pavement of the city’s quiet day, under the pale light of the cloudy sky, and found themselves wandering into a park playground. 

“Ah-” Skylar tugged Chan-il by the sleeve, pointing somewhere. “Can we sit here?” 

He turned to the direction of Skylar’s finger, there were a set of rusty swings beside a dusty yellow tube slide. “There?”

“Yeah.” Skylar confirmed. There was a morbidness to his insistence, as if being in this area was a way to keep his sanity.

Chan-Il obliged, and sat himself down on one of the swings, beckoning Skylar to join him by tapping the seat of the other, swinging back and forth lightly with his feet. It didn’t take long for Skylar to join him. Only then, sitting there in the dusty playground, did they tear open the snickers bars in their hands. 

In all honesty, Chan-Il wasn’t fond of Snickers. He liked both caramel and chocolate, but together in the candy bar, the caramel was too heavy and sweet, it distracted his tongue from the chocolate’s flavor. The boy beside him seemed to be the opposite though. He couldn’t help but notice the way blood rushed to Skylar’s cheeks when he started eating it. Skylar’s eyes stared desolately at the yellow slide as he bit into it. 

Chan-Il wished he had his camera again, the look on Skylar’s face at that moment was the word bittersweet in human form. He seemed to enjoy the candy, yet Chan-Il couldn’t ignore the underlying sense of sadness behind his eyes. 

He interrupted his friend, “You must really like sweets huh?”

“Hm?” Skylar looked back to him, face still flushed. “Oh, yeah. Cirrus hated sweets so whenever we were together he’d give me all the sweet stuff you know? At times like these, I can’t help but be reminded of all the things he’s done for me.” 

There it was again. The way Skylar’s face lit up with color, with life, whenever he talked about Cirrus…

There was something so special about Skylar’s connection with Cirrus, Chan-Il always felt as much whenever he saw them together. But the more he learns about them, and the more Skylar talks about Cirrus in that half-sweet half-broken tone, he realizes the depths of their closeness was more than he could probably imagine. How much time did those two spend together?

It always bugged him. They never even talked to each other before. They grew so close and so fast it was strange. “How did you two get so close anyway?”

Skylar’s eyes wavered, he looked at the slide again. “We had a lot of secrets. I want to keep it that way.” The wistful smile Skylar wore all day took a different form. It was such a strange expression. Confusing. Frustrating to even look at. 

Chan-Il stayed quiet, nodding out of politeness more than anything. There was so much he didn’t understand. So many things that haunted him since Cirrus’ death and it felt like he’d never figure anything out. Even if he was supposed to be one of Cirrus’ closest friends, even if he had tried so hard to be Skylar’s friend at the start, sometimes he felt like an outsider, a side-character, a stranger. 

“I shouldn’t have invited him over that day.” Skylar continued, swaying back and forth on his seat. His voice was breaking as he spoke.

Of course this would eventually come up. Cirrus was walking back home from Skylar’s when it happened after all. 

“It’s not your fault.” Was the expression on Skylar’s face regret? It seemed like it at first but that didn’t sit right with him at all. Something was wrong. This was different. 

Skylar looked up to Chan-Il. “No, it’s all my fault.” 

“Stop that, Skylar.”

“It’s true.” Skylar’s voice was so stern. So insistent and certain. It bugged Chan-Il. “Not a day goes by where I think it should have been me who died instead.”

“Enough.” Chan-Il steadied himself, holding the chain of Skylar’s swing to stop him from moving so his friend could fully understand the words he was about to say. “No one deserves anything. It was an accident. I won’t let you insult yourself like that. You’re smart, quiet but funny, and you always take things so seriously. Yet whenever something’s wrong, whenever someone’s just  a little more quiet than usual, or if their eyebags look even just the slightest bit heavier than the day before, you’re always the first to notice. You pay attention to people. You care for people. I think it’s amazing that you cared so much for Cirrus, and even me too. So don’t say that.” 

Skylar turned away, “You have no idea what you’re talking about. Cirrus was all that and more.” 

Chan-Il couldn’t help but feel frustrated, he meant everything he said, he poured his heart out to give as truthful an account as he could of Skylar’s character. Yet it was as if it didn’t even matter. “Are you even listening to me?” 

Skylar darted back at him. “Cirrus was twice the person I was. Life gave him nothing but hardship, yet he tackled them all head-on and succeeded. His eyes shined so bright it was like the sky was clear even if it was muddled by clouds. Not a day- no,  not even an hour, some days not even minutes, go by where I don’t think about what those shining eyes could have accomplished if he was around. But now he’s gone, yet I’m still here…” 

There it was again, the light in his face that came with every memory and every recount of Cirrus’ goodness. Skylar’s eyes were shining with a type of awe, and the more he looked at his face, the more he understood. 

He was holding levels of grief and regret that far exceeded anyone else’s. Blood rushed back to his face whenever he talked about Cirrus, and he talked about him more than anyone else. That light… that energy… 

“Skylar…” He asked,

It was…

“Were you… in love with Cirrus?” He finally realized. Everything started to make more sense now. “In all that time you spent together, and all the time you’ve spent alone after his death, you loved him, didn’t you?”

Skylar winced. His tired eyes went wide, paralyzed on the swing as it moved back and forth till it finally stopped.

And for a while, there was nothing but cold, cold, silence.

“Do you know what I said to him on the day he died?” A tearful smile painted both his face and his words. Skylar’s weak voice was louder than it had been the whole day, yet he looked weaker than ever before. “I can remember everything so vividly…”

He took his glasses off, Chan-Il could see clearly for the first time that day just how bloodshot his eyes had been. How much pain he’s been holding within himself for so long. It was starting to spill out.

“We were going through so many problems then, I can’t even remember how many times we fought. But when I opened our front door, he still looked at me with so much love in his shining eyes. I’d taken pictures of many things, but nothing came close to their beauty. They looked a little reddish in the light, but if you looked closely, there was a cyan tint inside.”

Chan-Il had trouble understanding what he was talking about. So they were together? What did that mean exactly? Skylar sank further down the swing, letting it slowly rock back and forth in an unsteady rhythm. Its rusted chains began to squeak as he continued. 

“Sometimes when I looked into his eyes, I wondered what it would be like in the future when he would finally need glasses. Would he be a college student looking at stylish frames that matched his face in both color and shape? Or would he not have needed them until he was an old man, with wrinkles and folds drooping from his sweet face?” 

Skylar looked to the sky, it was covered in gray, silvery clouds. His voice was sharp now, as if he was struggling to even speak. “And I kept wondering to myself, would I still be with him in college? Helping him pick out glasses based on what I thought looked best? What if he only got them when he was older? Would it still be me with him? Fifty, even sixty years away from now? I thought I’d never know the answer, but it came way too soon…”

Finally, he turned back to Chan-Il, the tears now flooding out of his bloodshot eyes, “I loved him so much Chan-Il. More than anything else in the world.”

“T-then why…” Chan-Il trailed off, unsure if he wanted to say what he was about to say. Things started to make more and less sense at the same time. His chest felt tight as it started to beat rapidly at the shock. His throat seemed to close up, his face burning up. There was so much more to Skylar’s grief than he could have possibly imagined, and there were so many things he wanted to ask. But what really bugged him to the point it was completely stuck in his throat, was a question he didn’t want to know the answer to. 

What was that guilty look on his face? Why was he so sure it was his fault?

“Before that day, we were already fighting a lot about colleges and our future plans... I started almost all of them but he was the one knocked on my door to apologize. Isn’t that insane?” Skylar wiped the tears with his sleeve, he looked up again, as if in that gray and silvery canvas of sky and clouds, he could see vividly the day he and Cirrus last met.

“It was raining pretty hard… I remember his voice, both angry and sweet, offended that I even thought about parting ways since I didn’t make it to Seoul University and he did. He said he would follow me to any University no matter how bad it was. I loved how his sweet words always made my heart feel all warm inside. They were always so cheesy but it never failed to make me feel something.” 

Chan-Il listened quietly, there was so much to unpack.

“I remember the languidness in his eyes when I told him what I wanted to say. It hurt me so much, seeing him like that, looking so betrayed and broken when I told him it was time for him to focus on his future.”

The agony of Skylar’s voice squeezed Chan-Il’s heart, it seemed to echo the pain to his soul. “...So you.”

“—I broke up with him. I only meant for us to try taking a break for a little bit and see how it fared, but he left so fast. I felt so bad I could barely even move. I stood there at my door for a while… paralyzed. It didn't take long for me to get a phone call from the hospital telling me he got in an accident... It was my fault.”

“No… no. It isn’t Skylar.” Chan-Il repeated, as if trying to convince himself. His mind was on the verge of shutting down, there was so much to take in. Not only did Skylar love Cirrus, they were together. And after agonizing and trying to make peace with everything that’s happened, only now does he find out there was more to it?

He steeled himself, getting up from the swing and facing his friend. He put his hands firmly on Skylar’s shoulders, and looked him in the eye. “There’s no way you could have known…” 

Skylar leaned forward, his teary eyes unblinking as he looked right into Chan-Il’s. “Did he ever tell you how hard it was for him to keep living in that tiny apartment of his?”

Chan-Il didn’t like where this was going. “What do you mean?”

“Cirrus was really good at hiding things. I noticed though, how he kept clinging on to me more than usual. He must have slept over at my place more than his own apartment after that. When Candy died, he told me he didn’t know how much more he could take… I knew that. I knew everything. And yet…” Skylar trailed off. 

Chan-Il pulled his hands away slowly. Why was Skylar looking at him like that? Like a murderer?

“When I was in that hospital room, seeing him like that -” Skylar swallowed and took heavy breaths “T-there was a blanket over his face… they said he was gone. There was still so much dried blood on the sheets of the bed they put him on. It was so nauseating I wanted to hurl. I wasn’t allowed to touch him, but I didn’t care. They tried to stop me but I pulled up the sheet and… ”

His brown pupils were dilated, looking in Chan-Il’s direction but not actually seeing him. “I couldn’t recognize him underneath all that blood.”

Chan-Il wasn’t sure if he even wanted to hear more. He backed up and bit his thumb in anxiety. His head throbbed in pain. It was horrifying, it made him wanna burst into tears or vomit, he couldn’t tell which.

“Skylar.” He forced the words out of his tightening throat, it took everything not to tear up. “I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with all this alone but please… forgive yourself. It's not your fault."

At Chan-Il’s words, his friend laughed almost hysterically. “Forgive myself? How can I do that when Cirrus is six feet underground?” He started to bawl, his voice now groveling with pain. Chan-Il couldn’t hold in the pain and fear he felt at seeing this happening to one of his closest friends, and began to tear up at the sight too.

“I bet even now he’s cursing me.” Skylar continued, “I hear his voice at night, whispering things into my ear. It hurts… It hurts so much I wanna die…” 

“Don’t say that. You’re scaring me.” His heart shrieked inside. 

Skylar smiled with pain, “My sister hasn’t talked to me in two weeks… I promised her I wouldn’t. I promised I wouldn’t leave her. But mom wasn’t home one day and I saw my old pills... I couldn't think about anything else, I just wanted the pain to stop so I just swallowed all of them... She had to bring me to the hospital herself, crying the whole time. I felt awful… I don’t know if she can ever forgive me either. So how can I forgive myself?” 

Chan-il didn’t know what else to do, so he pulled Skylar in for another hug. Overwhelmed, worried, afraid that if he let go Skylar would die somewhere.  “Do you really think Cirrus would be mad at you? Even if I didn’t know about you two, I could still tell you were really special to him. Doesn’t that count for something?”

“Yeah but I can’t ask him that now can I?! He’s gone and it’s all my fault!”

“No! It isn’t!” He hugged tighter, Skylar wanted to pull away.

“You don’t know that! Let me go!” He was screaming right into Chan-Il’s ear. It hurt. It made his ear ring. But he wouldn’t let go.

“Skylar, please calm down!” He begged desperately,  “You’re being irrational, what makes you so sure anyway?” 

“They said the light was red… Chan-Il! It was RED! Why...” Skylar’s voice trembled. He sniffled, the tears still running down his face. "Why else would he cross the street if it was red...?"

This was the extent of Skylar’s guilt. Chan-Il’s grip loosened, half in confusion, half in shock.

“What?” 

“The traffic lights at the crossing. They said it was red.” He spoke in between sobs, “They said he walked right into it.”

Chan-Il pulled away, he didn’t understand… he didn’t want to understand.

Skylar, finally free, stumbled as he stood up. “How am I supposed to forgive myself? If it really was my fault?”

There was just too much information in Chan-Il’s head. What was the next thing to say? What was the right thing to say?

“My sister hasn’t forgiven me yet for trying to escape this life of guilt… So how could Cirrus, who I killed with my carelessness?” Skylar looked at his friend with desperate eyes. “Can you forgive me, Chan-Il? If you can’t, how could I?”

He really didn’t want to understand, but Chan-Il wasn’t an idiot like people thought he was…

Cirrus… killed himself?

His hearing started to numb from the ringing, vaguely he could hear Skylar repeat a question.

“He needed me... He counted on me and I pushed him away, and now he's gone... and it's all my fault. Can you forgive me?” 

Chan-Il didn’t know what to do…

And then there was silence.