Chapter Text
“Jeon… Wonwoo… age twenty…three…college… student… no… gag reflex. Status…very… available.” Soonyoung grinned as his finger hovered over the keyboard while he searched for the last punctuation.
A drunk Wonwoo, who was lying on the floor in the cramped space between the couch and little coffee table, rolled onto his stomach, craning his neck up to frown at his best friend. “No. Nonononono you don’t write that,” he slurred, repeatedly poking Soonyoung’s thigh.
The other man ignored his friend, giggling as he used his two fingers to type and add more apparent descriptions.
“Also… very… flexible and… cute like… a playful…cockatiel.”
Wonwoo grunted as he sat up, swaying a bit before falling back down with a laugh, his glasses shifting crooked on his face slightly.
Yeah, they had too much to drink and were both drunk as fuck. Blame the guy who broke Soonyoung’s heart and made the man bring fifteen bottles of soju, a six pack of beer, and a shit ton of snacks to Wonwoo’s tiny apartment to vent, cry and get shitfaced.
“Oh and speaking of cock… likes big, big cock… too. So, so big… extra large—”
“Soonyoung~ nooo. No. No.” Wonwoo finally pushed himself up, fixed his frames on his face, and scooted closer to his friend that was typing on his barely alive laptop that made weird noises everytime it started up.
Wonwoo slapped an overly long sleeve of the huge hoodie he wore over the keyboard in hopes to pause his friend’s typing.
“Don’t write that.”
“Why? It’s true,” the equally drunk Soonyoung yelled, a pout on his lips as he looked at his friend. “You don’t want to lie on this profile. You’d be a lying sugar baby. Nobody wants a liar. Especially daddy.”
Both students stared at each other before laughing out loud falling over each other.
And yes, besides being drunk and noisy, they decided to each sign up for a different “online dating” site; one for heartbroken souls just wanting fun with no strings attached after a bad breakup and the other for broke college students needing some money in exchange for their time and pretty face…
… Wonwoo was the broke college student.
An hour ago, six shots in, Soonyoung having cried twice, and Wonwoo having a mental breakdown about affording this month’s rent, the broken-hearted drunk had come up with “the most brilliant of brilliant plans that would solve their problems.”
— An hour prior —
“Sugar Search?” Wonwoo read, eyes glassy, speech already slurred.
“It’s the perfect thing for you since you’re poor!” Soonyoung shouted, showing his best friend the site. Wonwoo tried to shush the other, putting his own finger to his lips, but he gave up as Soonyoung continued to excitedly talk. “You sign up, put a nice photo of you, say your favorite color and BOOM, you get a sugar daddy who will give you money. In exchange you give him your time, a nice smile, and possibly your booty hole.”
“Oh my god,” Wonwoo screeched, pulling at the neckline of his hoodie and sinking down into it, only his eyes peeking out. “That’s embarrassing, Soonyoung.”
“No it’s not! You get money for being a good boy and giving him your little booty!”
“SHHHH stop saying booty.”
“Wonwoo’s booty!”
“Stop,” the man whined, nudging his friend who fell over and laughed.
“Let’s just try,” Soonyoung sang, staring at the ceiling, arms outstretched. “I’ll sign up for the Fling dot com and find a fun hookup who I’ll laugh with and sing with and lie in the middle of the street with. And you sign up for a sugar daddy who will spoil you rotten like you deserve.”
“That sounds like a bad idea,” Wonwoo mumbled, taking another shot of soju, which he also thought wasn’t the best idea either, but… oh well, whatever. “Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad—”
“But fun,” Soonyoung interrupted, sitting up again, his arms reaching out and grasping Wonwoo’s shoulders. “Come on bestest friend… do this. For me. With me.”
“It’s not even the same site,” Wonwoo argued.
“Please? Let’s just see how things play out. You might not even get any responses, who knows.”
Wonwoo frowned. “Hey, I’ll get responses,” he said, pointing an accusing finger at Soonyoung. “I’ll get many, many, many, membe, nembe, membe responses. So many.” His last couple of ‘many’s weren’t said correctly, but again, whatever.
“So, sign up and prove it.” Soonyoung had a challenging smirk and Wonwoo would have ignored it like he usually did if he was sober…
“Fine!” He slapped the table with his sweater sleeve covered hand.
But, he wasn’t. He was wasted.
“Sign me up. I’ll be the best sugar baby in the whole fucking world.”
— An hour later —
“Done. Jeon Wonwoo, you are now about to be an official sugar baby in search of their glucose guardian,” Soonyoung announced, turning the laptop around for Wonwoo to see.
Several seconds passed.
“I don’t want to be a cockatiel. That’s a dumb bird.”
“So.”
“I want cat,” Wonwoo smiled cutely.
“Fine. Playful… cat.”
“Did you say my favorite color is purple and orange?”
“Yes.”
“And did you erase the big cock thing?”
Soonyoung looked at Wonwoo who had the biggest kitten eyes on that absolutely no one could deny.
“Why can’t I write that,” his friend complained.
“Because I don’t want to,” Wonwoo argued right back in the same whiny tone.
“I didn’t complain this much when you made my profile,” Soonyoung huffed, begrudgingly deleting the portion about Wonwoo liking big, huge, extra large cock.
To make things more fun for the drunkards, they decided to create each other’s profiles for their respective sites. And while Wonwoo had finished his friend’s profile fairly quickly, with Soonyoung’s lack of typing skills, his own profile was taking five million years to be created (in Wonwoo’s opinion of course).
“I wrote nice things. It’s an A+ outstanding profile,” the broke college student stated, crossing his arms over his chest. “That’s why you didn’t complain.”
“You said I’m a psycho that likes tigers!”
“I said…” Wonwoo scratched his head with a frown. “...wait what did I say?”
“That I’m a psycho!!”
“No! I said you—”
“I'M A PSYCHO!”
“NO! I SAID you psychotically love tigers. Yes. That’s what I said. There’s a difference.”
A pout was given. “No.”
“Well, am I wrong?!” Wonwoo sassily stared at Soonyoung with his arms crossed and chin tilted up, his eyes extra glassy and starting to feel heavy from all the alcohol.
“… no.”
“Well, there,” Wonwoo said before pointing to the laptop. “Now finish my profile.”
Sticking his tongue out childishly, Soonyoung hit ‘continue’ and sent Wonwoo’s new sugar baby profile out into the world with a giggle.
“We have to see who wants you, okay? We have to look together and decide together.” Soonyoung grabbed the computer and knee-walked over to cuddle next to Wonwoo, their backs leaning against the bottom of the sofa. “We can’t just let any old man take you, okay?” he said protectively.
Wonwoo sleepily nodded, rubbing his eyes beneath his glasses. “You too. We have to make sure they are fun and will make you happy. Not like that butthead who made you cry,” he mumbled.
“Yeah. No buttheads allowed. Never.”
Wonwoo giggled, leaning his head on his best friend's shoulder, staring at the laptop screen that displayed his new profile. “Never ever.”
Several minutes of silence rang through the tiny apartment before Soonyoung’s soft snores were heard. The man really could pass out anywhere in any position, especially with alcohol in his system.
Still cuddled to his friend’s side, Wonwoo glanced back down at the screen that was resting on Soonyoung’s lap.
27 new messages.
Wow. That was fucking fast.
Mind fuzzy with sleep yet curious nonetheless, Wonwoo clicked the messenger icon and languidly scrolled through the men that were apparently interested in talking to him.
He wasn’t going to decline or accept their requests. He had all intentions to listen to Soonyoung and wait… all intentions… until he saw a profile that particularly caught his eye…
Age 35, youngest Prime Minister of the country, Kim Mingyu.
Mumbling a “that’s interesting”, drunk, sleepy, not-in-his-right-mind Wonwoo accepted the request and sent Kim Mingyu a message that read:
Smiling happily at his message that he found absolutely nothing wrong with, not even a single misspelling, Wonwoo hit send, immediately falling asleep against Soonyoung, glasses crooked on his face again.
Little did he know, sober Wonwoo was going to absolutely lose his shit when he wakes up to a reply from the Prime Minister…
