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In hindsight this was all Dean's fault. He had been the one, after all, who had suggested Sam get drunk. He'd only wanted his brother to loosen up, to forget, even if just for one night, how fucked up their life had become. He hated seeing Sam like this and worse, hated that there wasn't anything he could do about it. All his life Dean had been the one to look out for Sam but this wasn't a scraped knee and there were no Band-Aids big enough to cover up the pain that made it's home inside of Sam.
"Alright sasquatch, lets get you to bed." Dean huffed as he tried to adjust to his brothers weight pushing against him as he attempted to steer him towards the bed. Sam was all arms as he tried, unsuccessfully, to push dean away.
"Stop Dean. I'm not a damn baby. I don't need to be coddled." He spit the words like venom.
"I'm not coddling you dumb ass, I'm just trying to get you to bed so you can pass out already.… pain in my ass" dean huffed but he didn't mean it, not really. The words must have stung cause Sam was now throwing Dean one of his most epic bitch faces.
"If I'm that much of a problem just leave then " Sam yelled pushing Dean with as much force as he could manage as he threw himself against the bed.
"Fine," Dean yelled back and grabbed the keys off the night stand.
"Wait Dean" Sam's words stopped him just as his finger tips brushed the cool metal of the door knob. "Don't go." He pleaded.
"Why the hell not Sam?" Dean asked not knowing how to deal with Sam's hot and cold behavior.
"Because I need you." Sam said and the words sounded rushed but no less heartfelt and Dean was glad his back was to his brother, thankful that Sam couldn't see the truth written so plainly on his face.
Sam had always been good at explaining how he felt. Dean, however, was too much like John. Stubborn and prideful and horrible with words. He knew Sam had been having a hard time since Jessica's death and had been having nightmares. Dean had slipped along side him in bed, bodies pressed tight, his hand slipping into the auburn locks of Sam's hair, comforting his brother like he had done so many times in the past.
It made him feel good to be able to do this for Sam. But if Dean was being honest, part of this was for him too. He welcomed the excuse to slip in next to his baby brother, their bodies close and It wasn't until Sam's breathing slowed that he allowed himself to slip back into his own bed. Leaving only Dean and the moon the wiser. So yeah, he knew on some level his brother needed him but it wasn't the way he wanted. And Dean knew he was greedy for wanting something he couldn't have but it didn't change the fact that he very much wanted it indeed.
Dean didn't think he would ever be able to explain just how bad he wanted Sam. Wanted to crawl inside him and cover up all the empty spaces inside his heart. Make him forget all the miserable shit holes their dad left them in and all the moldy memories of their childhood. To erase all the hungry days that seemed to stretch on into oblivion, their insides gnawing with the ache of it.
Their lives had been a sea of blood and pain and Dean felt the immensity of it wash against him. He kicked off his shoes and clumsily made his way towards the squeaky queen sized bed he now had to share with his brother. He closed his eyes and released a breathe he hadn't even been aware he was holding as his weight sank into the mattress.
Deans shaky breathe filled the silence of the room, the sound, strange and unfamiliar to Sam's ears. He looked at Dean. Even with his back to him he could see the freckles that splattered the softness of his neck and the tiny hairs that peeked out underneath the collar of his thin black t-shirt. Sam ached to reach out and touch Dean, hated that he had to fight this. He knew it was wrong he just didn't care anymore.
Sam couldn't even begin to count all the nights he spent awake pinning after his beautiful big brother. How many times he had reminded himself that he was disgusting, that if Dean ever found out he would leave him for sure. That's what ultimately led to Sam's decision to leave for Standford. But now Jessica was gone,and Sam had no where else to run. No safe places left to hide from his feelings for Dean. Despite his best efforts, ignoring them just didn't work. The more Sam tried to stop the greater the want became.
They both lay unmoving, a shared silence between them as they each scramble for something to say. As quickly and urgently as the words had slipped off Sam's lips he now wished he could take them back. To extinguish the awkward silence.
"I didn't mean, I ugh, " Sam sighed as he struggled to find the right words then resigned to just offer up the truth no matter how bad it's admission would ruin things later. Maybe Dean would just write it off to Sam being drunk, he thought, but Dean knew Sam well enough to know he wasn't that far gone and besides it didn't matter, not really, because Sam was weak and tired of holding it in any longer.
"I know I'm messed up inside Dean." He admitted "I just need you to hear me out before you leave."
That seemed to shake Dean loose from the tangled up thoughts he was lost in.
"Leave?" Dean questioned turning his whole body towards Sam. Close, so close he could feel the heat radiating off his brothers body and yet not nearly close enough.
"Sam, there's nothing you could ever say or do that would make me leave you." He admitted and he willed his brother to believe him. If Sam lost faith in everything, even in what they do, he hoped he would at least still believe in that. In him, in them.
"Dean, you can't even begin to fathom the fucked up things that go on inside my head. You can't say for sure, that you won't…. You don't know. " he trailed off still unable to finish.
Dean's voice was but a whisper in the night. Soft and gentle as he stared at his brother, pale light from the moon dancing across Sam face, bathing it in lamplight.
"Sam, I know you're scared. Afraid that whatever big secret you're holding onto is gonna push me away but it's not. It can't. I love you too much to let you go. Can't you see that? Why the hell do you think i went and got you huh? And I know it's messed up and selfish man but I can't. I've tried Sam, I just can't." …… " So you see, there's nothing to be scared of cause," Dean hesitated then let the words fall.
"Cause I need you just as much as you need me. Maybe more."
The tear that slipped from Sam's eye and rolled down his cheek didn't go unnoticed and Dean raised up with a shaky hand to wipe it away. Sam's hand caught Deans wrist lightning quick but stilled once their skin connected. The heat from Sam's touch burnt into Dean as Sam held his hand still in his iron grip.
"Dean," Sam questioned swallowing down the lump that was quickly forming in his throat. " do you? " he whispered but couldn't finish, unsure of exactly how to ask this.
"Yeah, Sammy." Dean answered not even needing to hear the rest. " I want this. Want you, want anything and everything you're willing to give me... Always have." And pressed his lips to Sam's. Sam seemed to come alive under his mouth and when he felt Sam slip his tongue inside tangling with his he moaned deep and low the sound filling the space of this tiny motel room.
Their pace was urgent, a frantic need to have the other this way, to close every possible distance between them after wanting for so long. Dean wanted to fuck his brother, fuck him hard into the mattress until he was screaming dean's name and begging to come but Dean knew that wasn't what Sam needed right now. There would be time for that later so needy fingers gave way to slow caresses, memorizing, scowering every inch of warm skin between them and although their lust was still urgent it wasn't as reckless.
Dean brought his hand to Sam's face and allowed his thumb to trace lazy circles up his brothers jaw and closed his mouth against his brothers soft lips. Sam's parted under his, an open invitation that Dean accepted the moment it was given, and licked inside savoring the taste of his sweet baby brother.
It was so much more than he had ever thought it could be. Dean didn't have a damn clue how much time passed between them, minutes, possibly hours… and he didn't care. He was so damn lost in Sam that he prayed to God he'd never be found, pleaded for him to allow Dean to live in this beautiful moment because nothing in the world would ever feel this perfect.
It was a blinding revelation, that over the course of all those years, one thing had become painfully obvious, it wasn't just the idea of his brothers body that had deans emotions all over the place, had him pinning and desperate but rather just Sam and what they meant to each other. It had always been there, it just took on new meaning, growing with them and around them, becoming this tangible thing until it simply couldn't be ignored any longer.
Dean stares down Into chocolate pools of want and need and love and every other emotion that Sam is currently bleeding into him and it's overwhelming. Unlike anything Dean had ever experienced and he should of known it would be perfect like this with Sam.
Sam's mouth opened to say something but the words died before they ever had a chance to make it to his lips, slight hesitation written on his beautiful face.
"What?" Dean pleaded. "Tell me what you want, what you need Sammy."
Another tear slipped unbeaten from Sam's eye as he whispered "un-break me dean."
He placed another soft kiss to his brothers lips packing as much promise into it as his next words.
"I will baby." He whispered into Sam's mouth and he vowed he would, even if it was his last act on this earth.
Calloused hands worked at Sam's shirt, getting it off and tossing it to the side and took a moment to appreciate the beauty stretched out in front of him. So many damn times he'd wished to have his brother like this, just like this, and now here he was. It almost didn't seem real but if this was a dream then Dean hoped he'd never wake up.
He placed soft hungry kisses all along Sam's jaw making his way down the smooth, hard planes of his stomach coming to rest at his navel, his fingers trailing softly at the material of Sam's jeans. With shaky hands he undid the button and slid the zipper down. Sam took a deep breathe and brought his hand up to Dean's face. Dean closed his eyes, lost for a moment, in the intimacy of that small simple act.
"Wanna taste you Sammy." He moaned and although his hands were a bit shaky he finished pulling his brothers pants the rest of the way off and leaned down taking Sam into his mouth, his tongue tracing a slow slide up the base of his brother's dick.
"Dean, oh god." Sam cried out. Head falling back fist curling into the sheets. "Feels so fucking good." And his hips bucked up into Dean, forcing more of himself inside the hot, wetness of his brother's mouth.
It didn't take long for Sam to become a writhing mess, pumping wildly underneath him. He knew he was close, a litany of broken moans and huffs filling the air around them. Sam's orgasm hit him without warning and he cried out digging his fingers into the muscle of Dean's shoulder, toes curling into the sheets.
Dean drank him down, not spilling a single drop, then raised his head to meet Sam's eyes. Sam pulled him close and Dean positioned his body over Sam's, running his fingers through his brothers messy hair.
"Promise me something," Sam said, his voice finally breaking the silence of the room.
" Anything " Dean replied and he meant it.
"Just promise me that when we wake up in the morning, you won't freak out and take all this back cause I don't think I could…"
" Sam," Dean interrupted.
"I promise.…. Besides, I don't plan on letting you sleep for the next two days." Dean whispered into his brothers ear.
We've got a lot of catching up to do don't ya think?" And at that Sam laughed.
"Yeah Dean, I suppose we do." He smiled and curled into Dean's side claiming his lips with his and licking his own taste out of his brother's mouth.
"Dean" Sam moaned as Dean delved into the kiss, lips bruised under the pressure but also needing more.
"I don't ever wanna leave this room." He admitted.
"Now, that!" Dean smiled, is the best idea you've had all night and claimed Sam's lips again. If sunrise came to find the brothers still in the throws of passionate love making then it would just have to turn a blind eye, Dean didn't think he would ever be able to stop having Sam this close, especially now that he was just getting started.
'The end'