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Dear Alex,
It's been three years since I got your letter, three years since the last time we spoke. I wish I could say that I'm furious at you for leaving but I can't. I can't because the only reason I was able to get through you leaving me was because of the way you loved me and the way you taught me to love myself. You showed me a love that no-one in my life ever showed me. You taught me how to love and how to be loved.
I know that this letter is so random and stupid and that you're probably not even gonna read it because we're done and we have been for almost 3 years. But I wrote it because I think we both deserve closure on what happened between us. I've healed since you left Alex. I've worked on myself and on issues that I never would have confronted if it wasn't for you. So for that I have to thank you. But I feel like I need to be honest with you, I don't think my heart will ever fully heal because a part of it will always belong to you. That part of it will belong to you because you helped me heal some of my deepest scars. But then you left some scars of your own when you left me Alex.
Those scars you left me with Alex, they're not bad scars. They may have started out as scars that caused me pain, but they don't anymore. Instead they make me smile because they are proof that I was loved, because for something to hurt you like that, you have to have lost something that you truly loved. So now I smile when something reminds me of you because instead of thinking about Kansas and Izzie and the letter you sent me I think of the happy times in our relationship and I think of the good things that the pain I felt created.
I'm happy now, truly. I've moved on and I have an amazing daughter, Luna. She's three. I know you that your probably doing the math in your head right now Alex, trying to figure if she's yours. Don't worry she's not. She's not even mine, biologically at least. I was her bio mums obstetrician. Long story short it was a complicated case and the mum didn't make it and Luna was born premie. I sat by her every moment I had and eventually I decided I wanted to be her mum, so I used the hospital shares you gave me and I adopted her.
So I have found love in my life again Alex, and Luna is the best thing that ever happened to me, but a part of me still wonders. I wonder what would have happened if you hadn't left, if we'd be raising her together. Another part of me wonders if I'll ever move on from you. I shut this part of me down real quick though because I don't think I ever will. Don't get me wrong I've tried to but I don't really think I ever will because the type of love we had was the type you only find once in a lifetime.
Anyways as much as I don't want to I should let you go Alex. As much as a part of me wants to go to Kansas and scream at you to come back because we deserved better and our relationship deserved better and then drag you on a plane back with me I won't Alex. I won't because I really hope your happy there. I hope Eli and Alexis make you as happy as Luna makes me. And I hope you've found happiness with Izzie. So I'm going to put my pen down and stop writing before I write something that we'll both regret.
Before I do that though I just need to ask you one question. Why? Why did you leave the way you did Alex? Why didn't you talk to me? Because you and I both know I would've done anything for you. I would've agreed to co parent with you or do whatever it is you decided was best. Hell I would've moved to freaking Kansas for you. And deep down we both knew that. So was it that you didn't think I'd do that for you, or was it that you were just done with me and were ready to move on to Izzie.
I'm sorry I didn't mean that. I'm really not mad
Love,
Jo