Chapter Text
Henry had been doing this to Jasper for a while now. Cornering him to touch and be touched only for Henry to walk away looking ashamed as a dog caught eating its own vomit. Henry barely let Jasper kiss him any more, whittling down the routine to just mechanics. The reluctant beginning of all of this was seared into Jasper’s memory.
It was January, they’d had a half day at school for testing and now they were sitting on opposite ends of the couch in Henry’s bedroom both paying attention to their own phones.
“It’s kinda cool if you want to see it…,” Jasper tried to make the offer sound tempting.
“Bro, I don’t care that you correctly identified the manufacturer of a bucket in the background of a 70s porno!” Henry said for probably the 3rd time that hour.
“It’s interesting! That company stopped manufacturing with lead in 1980 so you almost never see that exact stamping on the―”
“Dude! Shut up!” Henry cut him off, he realized he was overreacting and took a breath. “Okay, fine, if I look at this damn bucket, will you stop talking about it?”
“Yeah, pretty much,” Jasper shrugged. “I mean the porno’s kind of impressive too I think it was shot on 70mm for some reason,”
“Fine show me,” Henry said, now almost curious. Although, he knew only enough about film and porn production to know that that would have been superfluous. He was also confounded as to how he found himself with a best friend that had an opinion on the aesthetic value of vintage porn. Henry rolled his eyes and held his hand out for Jasper’s phone.
Henry was surprised by three things: one) the video was playing, two) it was gay porn, and three) it actually was easy to spot the marking on the bucket that Jasper was talking about. He squinted pretending to still be looking for it, because there was something that captivated him about the scene. Jasper was right it was oddly well shot for 70s cowboy porn, (although Henry wasn’t exactly a connoisseur) but that wasn’t it. Henry was struck by the sweat, chest hair, elastic musculature, and chiseled faces.
“Ahem!” Jasper cleared his throat gesturing for his phone back.
“Oh, right yeah I see it now!” Henry said of the bucket he could see the whole time, despite the guys blowing each other in front of it. “Why do watch gay porn, dude?” He asked, trying to deflect and like he didn’t just also get distracted watching said gay porn.
They were turned toward each other now, both with their feet on the couch. Jasper gestured to himself and gave Henry a look like ‘Don’t ask stupid questions.’
“Okay, cool I guess,” Henry generally kind of tried to avoid talking to Jasper about him being obviously gay, a fact that had become less avoidable as they’d grown up. “Not for me, but cool for you, ya know?” It just kinda tumbled out of Henry’s mouth.
“Not for you? Sure, Henry” Jasper used a condescending tone, to elicit an argument from Henry in hopes to snap him out of his awkward verbal trap.
“Yeah, I’m not gay dude.” Henry sounded annoyed, which meant Jasper’s effort to keep him away from his own anxiety worked.
“Don’t knock it til you try it,” Jasper kind of sang. Now he was just trying to make Henry mad for a laugh.
“You haven’t even tried it!” Henry spat back. “When have you ever even kissed a dude?”
Jasper was only hurt by that for as long as it took him to think of a response. It wasn’t a perfect one but it would definitely shut Henry up, even if physically.
Jasper moved quickly towards Henry, placing one hand at his jaw and one at his waist, their foreheads were almost touching and Henry gave a nod slight enough to be denied later before Jasper closed the remaining space between them. Henry kissed him back, and kept kissing him back and before they could internalize any chance of consequence they were full-on making out.
It was different than kissing a girl, Henry noticed. Not better or worse, just different. Being kissed felt imbued with a different, protective, sense of strength. Although, that might have just been Jasper. His light stubble felt commanding over Henry’s skin. Henry joined his hands around the back of jaspers neck and opened his mouth slightly.
Jasper felt a rush with his hands connecting to Henry’s frame. He’d of course thought about this before, but never so concretely.
Jasper was curious to see how far Henry would let him get with this stunt, in his mind he was still just taunting a straight friend, and that straight friend was humoring him for the bit. But that lie only got them so far. Jasper leaned Henry back so that his head was on the armrest of the couch and felt an electric hum in his brain when Henry shocked him by deepening the kiss. Jasper decided to go bold and moved his hand from Henry’s waist to touch him through his jeans and stroke him gently. He felt Henry’s body react to his touch and Henry blush deeply into the kiss before shoving Jasper away.
“Stop!” Henry said abruptly, sitting up.
“Yeah of course! Sorry! That was pushing it,” Jasper was worried he’d overstepped another boundary he’d failed to see.
“Yeah it’s okay,” Henry said, turning away from Jasper and giving his attention back to his phone. “Let’s just, you know, move on.”
The next time Jasper and Henry were alone in Henry's room in an empty house, Henry had his mouth on Jasper’s before the door was completely closed. Henry’s shame seemingly dissipated if he was the one who initiated it. That time ended differently, still pretty soft-core, but differently. After, the only thing Henry said was a lame string of words indicating Jasper could borrow some of his clothes.
It took Jasper weeks to get Henry to talk about it. He noticed Henry digging his fingernails into his hands during the entire conversation. Henry explained that he wanted them to figure things out, and he wanted to keep doing what they were doing but, he also asked Jasper to trust him and to “just go with it.”
Truthfully Jasper didn't need to figure it out. He'd ‘figured it out’ the second he saw Jim in Treasure Planet as a kid. Maybe because he was lonely or maybe it was because Henry meant that much to him but Jasper agreed.
They went with it, and it stayed secretive, soft-core, and painted with shame. That’s the moment Jasper found himself in now, leaving a supply closet at work with a guy who just high-fived him like they’d been playing video games. Henry headed down to the man cave and Jasper headed back up to Junk n Stuff with a nagging feeling like he wasn’t alone.
Ray was standing by the counter when Jasper entered the store. He held up a hand to wave off pleasantries.
“Listen, kid, I also don’t want to be having this conversation with you but, I can’t exactly bring it up to Henry without outing him to himself,” Ray said, he was serious but oddly compassionate. “Yeah, I think he would chemically sublimate in shame if I even thought of bringing it up to him so I gotta say it to you.”
Jasper thought playing dumb would hold up the conversation so he just nodded for Ray to go on.
“Can you two…” Ray was clearly trying to be careful with his word choice, “be more discreet?” He said, with a tone less pleasant than he started with.
Jasper was desperate for this moment to be over so he just nodded again, internally wondering if Henry would let him talk about it for long enough to tell him they had to be discreet.
“Like, go find your own private Idaho somewhere-the-fuck-else discreet, understand?” Ray shot him a look.
Jasper nodded again and said, “Is that movie good?”
“I don’t remember,” Ray pinched the bridge of his nose. “That’s not the point. Just― do you understand what I am asking and why I’m asking it?” He spat, exasperated.
“Yeah, yes,” Jasper said while nodding
“Okay good,” Ray sounded relieved that he could finally leave. He was headed toward the elevator when Jasper stopped him.
“Ray, what you said…” Jasper started “about outing him to himself?” He finished, quietly.
Ray turned and Jasper watched him search his brain for the right words, fair to Henry, fair to Jasper, and fair to the entirely bizarre set of circumstances both of their lives took place in. He took a deep breath before saying
“Henry doesn’t let himself have problems. As long as he considers whatever he’s going through a problem, he won’t consider it his,” Ray really hoped that got his point across.
“How do not let yourself have problems?” Jasper asked, although he understood.
“Burying your own to solve everyone else’s,” Ray said, turning again toward the elevator.