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How To Be A Latin Lover

Summary:

(New Moon AU)

Looking for Jasper to settle their unfinished business, María travels to Forks a week after the Cullens leave town, meeting the weirdest human being she's ever seen in the process: Bella Swan, a human that seems to be willing to do anything to become a vampire.
Or
Bella gets a new vampire.
Alice investigates about her past with unexpected results
And
Thanks to a series of misunderstandings and miscommunication, Rosalie causes World War III

Chapter 1: He said what now

Chapter Text

María 

A week ago

María found Peter in September, when she was feeding from a vegan on the roads of Sonora.

His scent invaded her suddenly, and she had to drop her prey to the ground, always looking out for danger. It wasn't easy to find blood from healthy humans in those days, her preferred kind, and although she hated leaving Monterrey she had to travel for a couple of days to find an acceptable prey. Strict vegans were the humans with the best flavor nowadays, but they weren’t easy to find. María had followed that vegan for many hours. So wasting its blood put her in an even worse mood than before.

Seeing Peter on the other side of the road only filled her with fury. “Hey María,” said the little bastard she should have never accepted into their lives. "How are you doing? How time flies!"

María snarled at him angrily, ready to lunge at him and rip his head off.

"No no! Wait! Wait!" Peter shouted quickly, like the little coward he was. “Jasper asked me to come! I saw him some months ago. He asked me to tell you that he, uh, wishes you well. I don't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you that. Now I'd really appreciate it if you didn’t kill me.”

María blinked once, twice, three times, but Peter wasn't laughing nor did it seem like some ridiculous ploy to distract her. And yet, the reaction she had was beyond logic, because she had heard him perfectly, and yet she could only ask. "Excuse me? He said what?" 

Peter had the decency to look embarrassed by the whole situation. “It's what he said.”

“Where is he?”

Peter hesitated for a second.

“We both know I will find him anyway, so don't make me wait if you want to get out of here alive, Peter. So save me time. Where. Is. Jasper?"


It wasn't difficult to find Forks.

As she always did before entering unknown territory, María first made a careful inspection of her surroundings. Jasper's scent was definitely there, along with the rest of his coven, their scents memorized since Calgary. There was also a strange, nauseating smell coming from the western beaches, like wet dog and dead animals. María decided she didn't want to know what was there.

Her surprise was not small when she found the coven’s house empty.

Certainly, they had been there a short time ago, because Jasper's scent was fresh. There were also two older unknown vampire scents. Even Peter and Charlotte's were there, almost imperceptible. But the most disconcerting and predominant smell was a human one, particularly sweet. So strong that it almost seemed like the human was in the house.

And she was, indeed, in the house, as María could see with her own eyes when she came in and found a human girl asleep on the carpet, next to the huge piano in the living room.

Well, she couldn't say she expected that. It seemed like a homeless vagabond had broken into the house. 

No, vagabonds didn't smell like tears and shampoo, and they usually preferred couches instead of the floor. There was definitely a story to hear there, and since Jasper didn't seem to be home, she would have to question the human sleeping on the carpet.

María sat on the couch, waiting for the human girl to wake up from her sleep, wondering exactly why her face was stained with tears. Maybe it was because of her position on the floor. It couldn't be comfortable to fall asleep on a rug.

After a couple of hours of waiting, the girl woke up. She didn't move right away, however, but instead hugged her legs on the carpet and began to cry loudly for a few minutes. María was pretty sure she hadn't noticed her presence yet, so she definitely couldn't be crying out of fear. It was a rather disconcerting sight, considering her circumstances. At least if she cried now there was a chance she wouldn't cry later when she had to get answers from her. But when twenty minutes passed and the girl kept crying, María decided to announce her presence, before she fell asleep again. 

She decided that the most subtle way to announce her presence would be to turn on the lights, so she stood up and did that. 

The girl was immediately startled. “Alice? Edward?”

“No.”

The human laid her huge brown eyes on her and something that María wasn't really expecting happened. She did… nothing. Nothing. Her body didn't shake in terror like most of the humans who caught a glimpse of her. María had expected at least a shudder of fear, but the girl just looked at her in confusion, her face empty of other emotions.

How odd.

María had given her a couple of seconds to scream in terror, but now the silence was starting to feel a little uncomfortable.

“Where is Jasper?” asked María, seeing that the girl apparently wasn't going to scream.

And then she opened her mouth and started crying again.

Apparently waiting for her to get tired of crying hadn't worked.

Under normal circumstances, María would have eaten her twenty minutes ago, at least to shut her up, but it was evident that she had information. Maybe she should torture her? No, unviable idea. The information would lose all credibility if she did that. Plus, there was a chance she was the Cullens' human pet, and she hadn't come all this way just to pick a fight with the gang of deviant hippies who had led Jasper astray. She just wanted to talk to him as soon as possible and get this over with.

A dark thought crossed her mind as she remembered the two unknown vampire essences. Maybe Jasper was dead? No, impossible. Ridiculous. She had trained him too well, and he had his Gnome to take care of him. But The Gnome wasn't infallible and the animal diet could have weakened him and Oh God, Jasper was dead. Kill them. She was going to find those two bastards and kill them slowly. They were going to beg to be burned. She was going to-

“They left a week ago,” the human girl said through sobs.

Uh?

And then the human girl burst into tears again.


This was the definitive confirmation. The animal diet atrophied the vampire brain. María was never going to touch that trash in her life. What the hell.

She hadn't needed to ask twice. The girl had told her everything, in many details, amidst her incessant tears. Her name was Bella. Apparently the Lunatic Cullen had fallen in love with her (?), although she didn't seem very sane either, to be honest. She still didn't show a single sign of fear at the vampire next to her. On the contrary, she, uh, had sat down on the couch next to María to tell her the most ridiculous love story she had heard since that soap opera where Thalía couldn't climb stairs, back when she stole a prey’s TV in the 90s.

Bella's story could be very strange, but what had made María doubt of the mental stability of vegetarian vampires was that... none of the seven had turned her? Nor killed her either? Not even Jasper? Jasper? Only madness could explain this loose end of suicidal proportions. They had broken the Volturi rules and done nothing to fix it. It didn't make sense from any point of view. The telepathic vampire was insane and the others were even crazier for listening to him. 

Maybe it would be better to kill her right there? No, bad idea. Jasper and the hippies had gone through all that trouble to avoid killing her for a reason. So any tentative peace between them would be shattered if María got rid of their pet, and she really had to talk to Jasper. But the problem still existed and María had just realized that it had just become her problem too. The only law of their world had been broken and she had knowledge of the crime.

It didn't matter that it wasn't her disaster. The Volturi weren't known for being fair, and all they needed was an excuse. She couldn't just turn around and go back to Monterrey and wait for the disaster to just blow up in the Cullens' faces, as it would happen when the Volturi inevitably found out, because they always find out. And with that idiot of Peter still around, there was no chance of no one ever knowing she had been there.

“Are you friends with Jasper?” the human girl asked, still without any sign of fear. Maybe that's why she wasn't scared. Maybe she thought she was Jasper's friend and didn’t eat humans like him. Evidently she knew very little about vampires. Peter would have eaten her without thinking too much about the consequences, because thinking had never been his fort.

On the other hand, María thought too much, which was the reason she was still alive. “An old acquaintance.” After thinking about it for a bit, she decided that she could give her some details, that would encourage the girl to continue talking. "I have to talk to him."

The vampiress took a moment to study her face carefully. She wasn't ugly, but she didn't seem like a big deal except for the fact that she lacked any natural survival instinct. And that perhaps she was the luckiest human in the world, because she smelled very good, had met eleven different vampires, and none of them had eaten her. The situation was already bordering on the ridiculous.

“I wish I could tell you where they went,” the girl said, as if she were talking to some lost tourist and not a damn infernal killing machine. María hadn't felt so out of place since the first time Jasper tried to get a hamster. At least the hamster had died quickly, but killing this girl seemed to be much more difficult.

In an unnecessary move, María shrugged, irritated that this whole trip had been pointless and she had to track Jasper down the hard way. Although she couldn't deny that it was the most exciting thing she had done in fifteen years. It was a shame it wasn't a good idea to kill Bella. Her scent was quite tempting, and a small voice in her mind told her that none of the hippies would ever find out. But her common sense was stronger. They would know, unfortunately. "I'll keep looking."

"No, wait!" exclaimed Bella, and the girl was so crazy that she grabbed her arm. What the hell was wrong with her? If it had been another vampire, María would have ripped off their arm. But she was a little human, with no chance of hurting her. “I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.”

“Praying that the Cullen don't come back sounds pretty reasonable.” Since they refused to turn her, if they returned it could only be to kill her.

“But I want to go back to them. More than anything in the world,” she said with her eyes still red. “Turn me into a vampire. That way I’ll be good enough for the Cullen to take me back.”

It was because of things like that she hated leaving Monterrey.

“It seems like you have more common sense than Jasper and his coven.” At least the girl wasn't an idiot. A little pathetic perhaps, but she was clearly going through a very bad breakup. María couldn't exactly blame her, a broken heart made you either pathetic or a demented murderer. “But the Lunatic-”

Bella blinked in confusion.

“Edwin.”

“Edward's not a lunatic.”

María didn't bother to answer her. Her patience had a limit. “You're his business, do you understand? As you might have noticed at some point, vampires are possessive and territorial creatures. Doing that would be a provocation that he would use to try to attack me, and I would rather not have to kill him.”

Funny, that was the first time she seemed nervous, but for someone else's life instead of her own. Weird.

“I'm not-Look, he dumped me. He said I'm not good enough for him. And then Alice… Alice left without even saying goodbye. And he's right. I will be a burden to them until I'm a vampire. Maybe then they can give me another chance. I-” The girl swallowed. "I will do anything. Please turn me.”

Definitely the weirdest afternoon she had had in decades.

“Go back to your house, girl.”

And then María ran out of the house.


Naturally, she wasn't going to leave Forks without a better knowledge of the situation. It would be very reckless, and recklessness was dangerous. Knowing a little more about the little human abandoned by the Cullens like an old cat could only be beneficial. At least to make sure she wasn't going to say anything about her.

María followed her for four days, and the girl didn't say anything to anyone. In fact, she spoke very little and with very few people. She was quite a loner. It seemed that without the Cullen she had no one else. No close friends, and her father seemed to be kind but quite distant. Or at least those were her conclusions after so many hours hiding in her school and home, absorbing all the information available about her.

On the fifth day, María felt her thirst become a bother, which meant she had to feed soon. After a quick trip to the nearest big city, Seattle, María fed on two homeless men she found near to the airport. Not her favorite kind of prey, but the easiest and most abundant, since she was in a hurry. With her thirst satisfied, she quickly ran back to Forks, in time to easily sneak into Bella Swan's bedroom through the window, and stare at her sleeping face for a few minutes as she thought silently.

Bella Swan's case was special, but it couldn't stay like that. María had unintentionally gotten herself into a delicate situation and, truth be told, she couldn't believe that Jasper had allowed something like that to happen. One hundred and forty years ago she would have decapitated him for his stupidity, but at least the situation was not dangerous yet. Just complicated. And even though María hadn't been the one to expose the secret, it had happened anyway and someone was going to pay for breaking the law. Most likely Jasper. Because only Jasper could ignore the voice of common sense to obey his new masters in their nonsenses instead of being firm. Once a follower, always a follower.

Turning Bella meant the possibility of fighting with the Cullens, but the Volturi were more dangerous than them. And since Calgary, María had made plans to attack them in case any of them tried to attack her first. It was their own fault anyway, for leaving their messes behind for someone else to clean up.

Well, she would. It wouldn't be difficult.

Now she just needed to decide what would be the most favorable circumstances to turn Bella Swan, since she doubted that her usual method of turning them quickly so that the newborn would have a longer useful life was suitable for Bella. Bella had to last, and be strong enough to keep herself alive, since her death was still an inconvenient if she wanted to get that conversation with Jasper. María would have to innovate.

The vampire approached Bella's bed and turned on the lamp, the gentlest way she could think of to wake her up. She looked quite fragile, as if she would break if María touched her. That would have to change.

The human girl opened her eyes, startled. “Alice.”

No,” said Maria, a little annoyed at being mistaken for The Gnome again, her least favorite Cullen.

Bella Swan sat on the bed, her eyes fixed on her with surprise, but still (and María couldn't help but be surprised) not afraid at all. It was like watching a mouse smile at a caged cat, unable to eat it. God only knew what kind of unnatural and twisted thoughts were in Bella's mind.

"It's you. You're back,” said Bella surprised. And then in her face appeared a gloomy expression. “If you're going to kill me at least do it quickly. You shouldn’t have bothered to wake me up.”

That caught her attention. “Do you want to die?”

“What I want never matters,” said Bella angrily, her voice low and her face hard. Her ability to not be scared at that moment was impossible to fathom. It was the most bizarre thing María had seen in fairly monotonous decades. Even in the face of a certain death, Bella remained unperturbed, perhaps even a little apathetic, as if part of her didn't really mind dying. She couldn't deny that she was an interesting human. “Since I'm obviously not good enough to be a vampire, I don't know what else you could be doing in my bedroom at one in the morning.”

Was she being sarcastic with her? The nerve. Her perception of reality was completely altered. How did she dare to talk to her that way? Not even the strongest of her newborns would have dared to speak to her like that. The brat. The temptation of getting rid of her at that moment was very strong, but it would be like proving the little freak was right, god damn her.

“I didn't come to kill you, but talk to me like that again and I might change my mind,” María said growling, uselessly, the human did not show the slightest sign of fear. “I came to the conclusion that granting your wish is the best for everyone. Vampires don't have many rules, but an essential rule is that we can't let humans know about us. The human who discovers vampires must be turned into a vampire.” Or die, of course, but María had already ruled out that possibility, unfortunately. Bella would surely make a memorable meal.

The change in the girl was immediate, as if the sun had risen on her face. Hope, maybe? “The Cullen never told me that rule.”

What the hell did animal blood do to vampires’ brains? Suddenly María felt a wave of pity for the mothers of drug-addicted children, and quite a bit of disdain for the deviants who had led Jasper astray. “Which is a problem.”

“I want to be a vampire,” Bella said fervently, again, getting closer than any human had ever gotten on their own free will. That girl had invaded her personal space more times in two conversations than anyone except Jasper had done in a hundred and forty years. She was extraordinarily lucky to be harmless. "Bite me. I'm ready."

“Not yet,” said Maria, frowning. The girl backed away slightly, clearly embarrassed by the desperation in her voice. “I don't do things without proper planning first. I'm going to turn you on my own terms, after making proper preparations such as faking your death. Your father is a police officer, if you disappear without explanation he will look for you.” Modern times had made everything tediously difficult. Before people just disappeared all the time. María would like to just bite her and end this circus, but there were no guarantees of eliminating suspicion that way. Charles Swan would suspect the Cullen, because for some incomprehensible reason those lunatics believed that starving and surrounding themselves with humans was an acceptable way to live. She couldn't blame them for being bored, but masochism was where she drew the line. Although the idea of Jasper pretending to be a high school student in a Civil War history class was hysterically funny. It would have been worth being hungry for a while just to see that.

The thought put a crooked smile on her lips. The girl seemed nervous, but not enough to change her mind. “Okay,” she replied. Good. One less inconvenience. María didn't really want to force her to obey. She seemed too fragile. “Anything to get my family back.”

María looked at her curiously, softening her smile into what she hoped wasn't a demonic grin. Unfortunately she had never been able to avoid looking sinister, not even when she was a human. She had one of those faces. Her mother used to say-

She wasn't going to think about that now. She had to avoid thinking about those things for the moment. “I'm glad we understand each other.”

"You never told me your name."

María smiled again. "I'm María."

Bella nodded quickly, pursing her lips in determination.