Chapter Text
Emily set the tequila shots on the table huffing in frustration, her eyebrows were furrowed and the other people inside the booth watched her with a mix of concern and caution. The last time she was this upset she had punched an overly insistent guy.
Morgan raised an eyebrow in a silent question and Emily just sighed before sitting by his side.
“Can you believe the bartender thought JJ and I were dating?” She scoffed, pointing at the man in question with her thumb and rolling her eyes at the absurdity.
“Wait, what?” Garcia let out after choking a little on her margarita.
“Right?” She gesticulated wildly. “He said, and I quote, that it was a shame that my girlfriend wasn't here because the dart competitions got boring without her around.”
“No,” Garcia, sitting opposite from her, held both of her hands and looked at her wide eyed. “What do you mean you're not dating?” She asked as if that knowledge could threaten life as she knew it.
Emily opened her mouth to say she was being stupid but one look at the table had her spluttering before being able to answer. Spencer was frowning like he usually did when being shown some sort of wrong data, Derek had his eyebrows almost touching his hairline like he did when an unsub's behavior just didn't make too much sense, and Garcia was almost as confused as Emily herself was.
“Wha- guys, we’re not together. I swear,” Emily tried again and the looks just got worse.
“Prentiss,” Derek started, raising a hand as if trying to calm her down. “You know we support you no matter what, right? We don’t care that you’re gay or you're both on the same team.” He put a hand on her shoulder. “We just want you two to be happy and if someone on the brass has a problem with it, we'll vouch for you two.”
“Yeah,” Spencer started a little awkwardly. “It’s honestly a little offensive that you think we would judge you at all.” Garcia nodded enthusiastically at the statement.
Emily just laughed and took her hands back from Penelope’s hold. “Does everyone think that JJ and I are dating?” Her voice was a mix of amusement and terror.
“Yes!” Penelope answered exasperated. “Aren’t you?”
“No!” Emily had the same tone, her hands running through her short hair in frustration. “Why would you even think that?” Spencer opened his mouth to probably give her every single moment that made him reach that conclusion but Emily raised a finger to stop him, she didn’t want to know. “You’re all insane, this is ridiculous.”
“How the heck is that even possible?” Garcia muttered under her breath and Emily found it so foolish that she didn't even find the need to dignify it with an answer.
“Y’know what? I won’t even say anything,” Derek swatted a dismissive hand and downed his shot, the other people on the table following his lead and changing the subject.
Emily was grateful for the change, though her mind just couldn’t shake off the talk, or the bartender’s comment. She found herself feeling grateful that JJ had decided she needed alone time with Henry and decided to stay home. The last thing the woman needed was to worry about people second guessing their friendship on top of the tough case they had just come back from.
If she had to be honest, Emily would rather be with JJ. Usually, when their job affected them too much they would cuddle on the couch with Henry splayed out in between them babbling about whatever his three year old brain could make up. They would tuck him in bed afterward, Emily would read him a story with the different voices he loved so much and JJ would read Bedtime for Baby Star as she always did. Then they would both give him a forehead kiss when his eyelids finally dropped and watch another movie while drinking some good wine, JJ would spoon Emily and they would take a nap on the couch before moving to the bed where their positions would change. At that point Emily was more than used to waking up with a mop of blonde hair in her mouth, the welcomed weight of a head on her chest, strong arms holding her close and lean legs tangled with hers.
Sometimes she sang for Henry, most people didn’t know that was something she could actually do, but since JJ was pregnant and Will all but left, the lullabies her many nannies used to sing to coax her infant self to sleep came naturally. There was nothing she wanted more than to be stroking his blonde hair and singing to him in French while his mother stared at her like she hung up all the stars in the sky herself. JJ always blushed so much whenever she used one of the many languages she knew, the skin from the tip of her ears to the base of her neck got cast in a soft pink tinge - it was adorable, and she sometimes did it just to be able to see it.
Emily loved going home with JJ - to JJ. When she started viewing the woman as home she didn't know - the minute she stepped over the threshold of that house she felt oxygen rushing through her lungs for the first time in however long they'd been away. The closest way she could ever explain it was finally taking a shower after being submerged in blood, because that's what it was, that's what working at the BAU felt like.
For more days than she could count, she felt like the victims' blood was pouring down on her, not just on her hands, but covering every inch of skin possible. No umbrella could ever shield Emily from the filthiness of her guilt - like a punishment for not being able to save them, like a taunt from God maybe.
Yet, driving to JJ's house felt cleansing, and chuckling at the mess a little boy left behind after exhausting himself with playing pretend was like realizing that things such as innocence and childlike happiness still existed, it gave her a reason to keep working. That sweet, energetic boy deserved to be protected from the obsessive scorned lovers, the ritualistic killers, the child abductors, and whatever other types of monsters they dealt with daily.
She needed to help JJ pick up the mess and stand in an atmosphere not yet tainted with violence more than she needed to breathe, the ever so steady rise and fall of her chest needed to be accompanied by the smell of a home more often than she would be willing to admit out loud, her ears needed to capture the heartwarming sound of giggles coming from her two favorite blondes to at least balance the blood curdling screams and terrified cries she heard even in her dreams.
She needed JJ and Henry more than she needed her own heart.
The rituals they held were dear to her, the times they cooked together, laughing at bad jokes and dancing around the kitchen without an ounce of shame; the mornings Henry would jump in JJ's bed to wake them, because Emily had been convinced to stay the night by bright blue eyes and their owner would never let her crash on the couch; the sun rises they watched together through JJ's window, when neither could sleep so they just cuddled in silence until they felt human again - the mundane moments kept her sane.
Emily found herself craving the talks she and JJ had at two in the morning, she never felt more appreciated than when they finished checking up on the sleeping kid and just decided to hang out in JJ's living room. Sometimes they sat on the porch drinking tea and talking about anything other than the case they just had, and even late at night, Emily could swear that the sun was blinding whenever she made JJ laugh hard enough that she had to throw her head back and hold her stomach.
She loved how time in JJ's house was completely relative. It felt like she spent forever there when it wasn't more than a weekend, yet it flew by as if they stayed together for mere minutes. She could never have enough, could never grow tired of the domesticity of it all.
So to say Emily was desperate to get in her car and drive dangerously fast to JJ was an understatement.
In a friend, platonic way. Of course.
But still, instead of giving in to her needs, Emily was drinking in their usual crowded bar and trying not to rush back because JJ said she needed some space to be able to think. She wasn’t sure if she should even go back to JJ’s apartment or just drive to her own place, she was keeping herself sober just in case the other woman called or texted but so far nothing. Emily sighed and took a sip of the beer Derek got for her in the minutes she had spent zoning out. She knew she was being way too quiet for a normal group outing but for once her friends weren’t meddling and she couldn’t be more thankful.
She looked at her phone again and felt a tinge of disappointment, it was almost ten pm and nothing, she chuckled at her own desperation under her breath and headed to the pool tables. She could feel Derek’s concerned gaze on her back and knew it wouldn’t take long before he joined her.
Truth to her word, it took winning two rounds against some mildly intoxicated guys for her to feel his presence behind her. She swallowed a pitiful snicker and sat on top of one of the unused tables, handing her cue to another man and sighing as Derek just settled by her side in silence, waiting patiently for her to start talking.
Emily took the last swing of her second beer, and hung her head low, a barely there pout making its way on her lips.
“I’m not waiting for her to call,” she muttered, embarrassed to feel like a sick puppy waiting for its owner to come back and trying to at least maintain a little of her dignity.
“I didn’t even say anything.” He raised his hands and lowered his head to show he was innocent.
She groaned in annoyance and knocked his shoulders with hers. There was something so comforting about him being an insufferable asshole that she found herself smiling even if the pang in her heart hurt when she checked her phone again and was greeted with nothing.
Derek patted her shoulder and left to dance with Garcia, she knew he was keeping quiet for her sake, whatever he wanted to say wouldn't help the situation and both of them knew it. Ever since she came back from the dead a few months before she noticed how much he had grown up in the short span of seven months, she couldn't think of a better friend to have at that moment.
Emily was about to order more shots since it was apparent that she was just going back to her empty condo that night, when her phone finally showed signals of life. She read JJ’s name on the display screen, knowing that there was a dopey grin almost splitting her face in half, and did nothing to stop it, just rushing to the door the most she could, glad her tab was small and easy to close.
“Hey you, ” JJ breathed out, she could hear the faint cries of a toddler in the background and the exhaustion in her friend’s voice. Emily frowned and started making her way to her car.
“Everything okay?”
“Yes…” JJ paused and sighed. “No…he won’t sleep without you here. It was never a problem before but now he keeps crying for his Emmy to sing for him.” She didn’t need to see to know that JJ was currently pinching the bridge of her nose to avoid being too rude to her son.
Emily tried to contain the warmth that grew inside her chest and how the fact that Henry wanted her to be there for his night routine made her giddy. She really did try to push it down, but the more she thought about it the more she felt like screaming in glee. She had to shake her head to be able to focus on just how tired JJ sounded.
“Jay, do you need me to come over?”
“Please,” she whispered and Henry sobbed again. “He thinks you won’t come back, like that time…” Neither needed to say it to know what they were talking about, she knew how much the kid suffered when she died even at his young age. “And I don’t know what to do anymore, Em. He shouldn't even remember it.” She finished in a mumble that Emily didn't even know how she could understand.
“Oh Jayj,” she said softly, already starting the car and feeling her chest hurting at the designation in her friend's voice. “Give me fifteen minutes.”
“Thank you, Em,” JJ sighed and paused for a few seconds. “I'm sorry for springing this on you. Really, sorry for ruining your night. ”
“Don't,” Emily started. “Jennifer, I'm coming over because I want to. I like to spend my time with you, the two of you, okay? Please don't ever be embarrassed or apologize for needing me.”
JJ's breath had hitched when she started talking and exhaled heavily when she finished, Emily just hoped she didn't go too far by letting a small part of her feelings tinge in her attempt to comfort her friend.
“Okay, ” she sighed deeply again, like she was trying to encourage herself to do something. “Emily, I need you. ”
Emily bit her bottom lip and took a deep breath. There was something about JJ saying those words out loud that set her body ablaze, like she was combusting from the inside out. But that wasn't relevant, not at that moment at least.
“And I'm on my way, just hang on a little longer, yeah?”
“Yeah. Hurry, please.”
“Yes, ma'am.”
Emily drove more carefully than she usually would, memories invading her head were leaving her too distracted to be as creative as usual. She didn’t know why but she had barely left the parking lot when a few of the situations where people mistook her and JJ for a couple started playing in her brain. She was blaming Garcia, Morgan, and Spencer, she never dwelled on that before and the conversation at the bar was probably what caused this small deviance of thoughts.
The first one happened not even a full year after Henry’s birth.
JJ had wanted to take him to the Christmas market and Emily had never been to one before so they decided to help each other out and just go together. She carried him on her shoulders and pointed at every slightly interesting thing she could see, JJ had laughed saying that she was more excited than her infant son, and even as Emily felt her face burning she couldn’t take the grin off her face.
Henry was surprisingly not scared by Santa's appearance like other kids and Emily found herself swelling with pride. He was terrified of the elves though, when one of the Santa helpers came around the old man in costume he cried like he never did before, JJ had to rush him out of the vicinity to try to calm him down while Emily waited for the printed picture.
It happened as the same woman that unknowingly made the boy cry handed her the printout, she smiled at Emily with sparkling green eyes and a grin so big and genuine that it couldn't be the same one she for sure rehearsed for the public.
“The two of you have a very lovely family,” she started with a thick accent that Emily just couldn't really place. “And your son is a cutie, sure he takes after his other mommy,” she finished with a giggle, nodding at JJ lightly bouncing the infant.
Emily just nodded and thanked her, there was something warm growing in her chest, it felt almost like pride but it wasn't quite that. She couldn't really understand what she was feeling, so she just threw it to the back of her mind and walked towards JJ while making silly faces to get a laugh out of at least one of the Jareaus.
The second time was less direct, it happened at the bullpen. She didn't even know if he did think they had something or if he was just too aware of their strong friendship.
Hotch had a lengthy meeting with JJ about one of the cases she desperately wanted him to choose but he just couldn't see what she saw. She left his office upset and went straight to the elevator, from the way she walked Emily could guess she would probably head to the gun range and take out her frustrations there. She did it so often that it made sense for her to be one of the best shots in the FBI.
Emily just watched the sway of her hips, hypnotized as she usually was when her eyes caught Hotch's, she was already planning to follow JJ just to make sure she would be okay and he just nodded in her direction as if being able to tell exactly what she was thinking and approving her future actions. If she was being honest, it looked like the unit chief expected her to make a move, like it was a given that if JJ ever found herself in trouble, Emily would be there to help - she couldn’t even argue, she'd always known how true that was.
When she got back to the bullpen after JJ fully calmed down, Rossi slapped her shoulder gently and told her she was a good partner. Emily still didn't know what he really meant by that, she never even remembered to ask.
Later that night she had gone home with JJ, and she had made her dinner because contrary to popular belief, Emily was actually a great cook. They cuddled on the couch and watched reruns of the awful reality show JJ loved so much.
Honestly, if she was someone on the outside just watching how those scenes took place she'd probably think they were dating too.
That was probably how the third time happened. And to make matters worse, the perpetrator was none other than Henry's babysitter.
It had been one of the hard weeks and she found herself needing the familiar chaos JJ and Henry brought her. They followed their usual routine but their exhaustion showed as both fell asleep cuddled on the couch and only woke up the next day, in fact, it was because of the aforementioned babysitter that they weren't stupidly late for work.
The woman had walked in to start her shift and saw Henry sitting on the floor near the couch, her boss and the brunette that didn't live there, but surely spent a lot of time around sleeping soundly above him. Emily woke up with a startle and thus awoke JJ since she was lying on her chest. JJ stoically ignored the slight awkwardness in the air in favor of taking a shower while Emily made coffee for both of them, already thinking about how creative her driving would have to be so they'd be able to get to Quantico before the morning briefing.
She had just managed to change clothes and was waiting for JJ to finish blow-drying her hair when the young woman approached her with a hesitant smile.
“Agent Prentiss, I'm sorry for overstepping,” she started a little awkwardly while fidgeting with her hands, Emily just gestured for her to keep going as she filled two travel mugs with the rest of the coffee. “But I didn't know you and Agent Jereau were dating,” Emily's eyes widened and she choked on her own saliva. “I-I'm sorry, I just want you to know that I don't mind and you two are super cute anyway…”
She kept talking exasperatedly but Emily had just stopped hearing the woman at that point, it was just stupid but she could understand why she would think that, after all, she did walk in on the two of them cuddling, Emily was pretty sure she was lightly kissing a fair-haired head.
Before she could deny the allegation and reassure that it was an honest mistake JJ was hugging Henry and getting ready to leave, Emily just patted the sitter's shoulder and told her it was okay as she rushed out with her friend on her heels.
She forgot to correct the sitter afterward, if she was being honest, later that same day she had already forgotten all about that morning. The poor woman must still think they were dating, the weird thing was, Emily had no rush to correct her.
If she was honest, sitting there inside her car, getting into JJ's parking lot after running off from a group gathering that she didn't even want to go to in the first place, she was starting to agree with pretty much everyone she knew. Maybe she was dating JJ.
Somehow, for some reason that knowledge hurt, it stabbed her lungs worse than any bullet or beating she had ever taken. Emily closed her eyes and breathed deeply to see if the air that was knocked out from her would come back, it did and she almost could feel the compartment that she just locked her feelings on slam shut.
She didn't even make it to the door when a small body collided with her legs, Emily grabbed Henry by the armpits and held him to her chest like a teddy bear while making roaring sounds to compete with him.
“Hey mon étoile,” she started once he calmed down a little and she was actually able to enter the house and shut the door with her foot. “Heard you're giving mommy some trouble, hm?” She asked gently, tickling his tummy and raising her eyes to spare a glance at a tired JJ watching them leaning on the kitchen counter.
“No!” His voice was loud, excited in her ears but she didn't care much, not now that she could finally hold him.
“No? Then why are you still up?” She teased but her voice was soft, probably more than anyone has ever seen, anyone aside from the blonde woman that currently had her blue eyes locked on them that is.
Henry vigorously shook his head in denial, raising his little arms so he could hold Emily's cheeks at father as he could, it was his attempt of trying to be dead serious - though it was hard to pull it off with his chubby cheeks, tiny pout, and sparkling eyes.
“Mommy can't do the voices,” he deadpanned in a way that was so much like his mother that it made Emily's heart hurt a little.
JJ clicked her tongue in disapproval and Emily laughed hard, arms clutching Henry a little tighter to her chest. He was cackling along with her, not really understanding why it was so funny but not wanting to be left out either.
JJ moved from her spot and made her way to stand beside the duo, her hands almost robotically squishing her son's cheeks as she tried to defend her honor. Her splutters weren't even taken into consideration as Emily just laughed harder and Henry gave the best pitying look he could muster.
“This is absurd,” she muttered with faux indignation and laid her head on Emily's shoulder.
Henry patted her cheek gently. “It's okay mommy,” he started as if being bad at doing the voices was a personal tragedy that needed consolation. “Emmy tells bad jokes,” he tried to whisper and JJ doubled over laughing.
Emily pouted and tickled him again, letting him down as he started to squirm too much with his own giggles.
“Alright, now that you deeply wounded my ego,” Emily placed her hand on her heart and grimaced, getting another fit of laughter from both mother and son. “Let's get you to bed and give mommy a break, yeah?”
He just squealed and ran to his room, as energetic as he was at that moment, she knew it wouldn't take much for his high to end and for him to pass out - finally.
JJ gave her a grateful look and squeezed her shoulder, if she was following their routine she would show up in his room to finish tucking him in and give him a forehead kiss as soon as Emily was done with the story. It was a well practiced dance, they followed the steps without even giving too much thought about it.
As always, she was just closing the book and JJ entered the room. Emily knew she was listening to the whole thing on the baby monitor resting on the coffee table, just waiting for her moment to come in and kiss her son good night. Usually, Emily would sing to him after the story was done, but this time he was already asleep by the last page.
They left the little boy's bed and JJ barely took the time to close the door before engulfing Emily in a hug, her head leaning on a pale collarbone, her arms tight around her friend's waist, and a content hum resonating in the still air surrounding them.
There, in JJ's dark hallway - in JJ's arms - she fully understood why she felt the way she did about the younger woman. Why did her heart skip a beat when she was close, why her skin itched to touch JJ, why her hands twitched with the need to entangle her fingers in JJ's smaller ones, why her eyes always searched for a splash of blonde wherever she went and why blue all of the sudden became her favorite color.
Emily finally put the pieces together to know that she was completely doomed, she couldn't believe that out of every cliche she just had to fall in love with her best friend.
She never planned for any of this to happen, Emily was pragmatic in nature, she was raised and trained to keep her feelings out of whatever she had to do, whether it was a fancy gala or an international mission that could either save or end thousands of lives depending on her being fully invested on it and not allowing distractions to cloud her brain.
She knew she was infatuated with JJ after the first time they made eye contact in Hotch's office, how could she not? She was pretty, smart, and kind, anyone with a brain would have a crush on her. But falling in love? That was a whole nother level of impractical that she didn't want to touch with a seven foot pole.
But JJ had to be the one to ruin that. Jennifer, with her sweet smile and witty words, with her ocean blue eyes and golden hair, with her melodic laugh and raspy voice, with her adorable son and impromptu dance sessions. She just had to turn Emily's world upside down and make her question if all those walls she always put up were really worth keeping, she had to make Emily want to want her, want to care for her, want to love her, want to help raise a little boy with her.
Emily felt a soft, barely there, brush of lips on her neck and hummed in acknowledgment before tightening her grip on JJ just a little more. It was impossible for her to feel the same way Emily did, she had already resigned to that fact when she first wanted to kiss JJ, so just like at that time she decided that it wouldn't be that bad to take as much as she was able to. Emily had always been a selfish opportunist at heart after all.
“Where'd you go just now?” JJ muttered on the base of her neck, Emily felt more than she heard the question.
“Nowhere important,” Emily pressed her lips gently to the crown of her head, Garcia was right, how were they not dating? “Couch?”
“In a minute,” she breathed out, and Emily just knew she closed her eyes to nuzzle her like she was doing, she tightened her grip.
They stayed like that for way more than a minute, Emily only let go and led her to the living room because she was pretty sure that JJ was falling asleep on her feet. Her head was immediately on the crook of her neck the moment they sat down on the couch and it would be cruel to not wrap her arms around the other woman to make her feel safe.
It had been a tough case, a hard week, and a long night. She knew JJ barely slept when children were involved, especially when they were all blonde, blue-eyed boys, if she had to be honest it was hard for her too.
Emily tried so hard to dissociate the victims from Henry that she was sure it became too obvious, it showed in how Derek and Spencer spent a little too long stealing glances at her tensed jaw, how Rossi patted her shoulder after interviewing the families the same way he did JJ, how Hotch asked in a quiet whisper if everything was fine one too many times, how Garcia called just to check up every so often. She briefly wondered if that was the reason why everyone but them knew where her heart was, Emily asked herself just how obvious had she been, how stupid for taking so long.
She sighed and buried her nose in blonde hair, the smell of JJ's shampoo gave her the warm feeling of coming home. She was about to change positions since it looked like they were sleeping right then and there anyway when the doorbell woke JJ up with a startle.
“Pizza,” she mumbled and Emily felt like crying because somehow JJ knew she hadn't eaten at the bar.
Emily grabbed one of JJ's few bottles of wine, she should bring one from her collection over, they drank it together most of the time and it seemed selfish for her to keep the "good stuff" as Garcia called to herself. She set the glasses and the wine on the coffee table and when JJ got back the porch light was shining behind her, making it seem like her hair was a halo and Emily felt her lungs collapsing, like breathing had become a harder task than it had ever been before.
She swallowed the lump in her throat and opened the wine, alcohol would hopefully make her a little normal again.
They had dinner in silence, there were no words to speak anyway and Emily wouldn't be the one to blurt out that she was pretty sure she had fallen in love with the woman sitting by her side just to make conversation. That would be going to the grave with her - again.
Half of the bottle had emptied out and two slices were left when they decided to call it night and just watch TV on the couch like they had been before eating. Being slightly buzzed didn't help Emily at all and now she was all too aware of how close JJ's body was to hers, how hot her breath was on her neck, and how strong the arms around her waist were. JJ worked out a lot, she remembered, and felt her mouth drying just as her heart raced in her ribcage.
JJ blinked sleepily and raised her head to land a tiny kiss on Emily's lips, it didn't last more than five seconds and she immediately leaned her head on her shoulder again but Emily stiffened and JJ copied her motion once she realized what she did.
It didn't last long at all but Emily felt her lips burning, much like her cheeks and the tip of her ears, it felt natural to have JJ kissing her like that, like it was a common occurrence, routine, mundane. JJ left her embrace and put a few inches of distance between them, it stung a little but her hesitant eyes hurt a bit more, Emily didn't know what that meant to her but she couldn't afford to see her best friend growing that nervous. As selfish as she was, she would willingly play this out as a little drunken mistake just to avoid making the other woman uncomfortable, she'd be okay having only her memories to relive this moment for as long as she lived.
“JJ-” she started and was interrupted by an index on her lips, she didn't know if she should kiss it or slap the hand.
“Don't,” JJ pleaded, for what exactly Emily didn't know. “Just...let's not do this now. Later,” her blue eyes didn't leave brown ones for anything, their intensity making Emily swallow a gasp. “Please.”
“Jennifer,” Emily breathed out against her finger so reverently that it scared herself for a little while, though the adoration was perfectly mirrored in the pool of ocean blue staring right at her.
“Emily,” she matched the tone. “Just stay with me for now,” JJ moved her hand to cup her jaw. “Please,” she finished in a whisper.
She just nodded, not trusting her mouth to not splutter out everything she wanted to say, scaring JJ off now would be the last thing she possibly wanted to do.
Emily swallowed a lump in her throat and wrapped her arms around JJ again, playing with the ends of her hair in an effort to put everything she was feeling behind and just focus on the slow breaths the body pressed against hers was taking.
Surely that must've been the mixture of a special type of loneliness, lack of sleep, and the wine, there was no way JJ would have kissed her under normal circumstances. It wasn't that Emily had low self-esteem or anything, she was incredibly attractive with her brown eyes and high cheekbones, she knew she was, hell she even used her looks to charm unsubs when needed. But this was something else, it was JJ, and Emily was sure it had to have been a fluke.
Or just lust, probably that. It wasn't that she was unlovable, but she had too much package, she was often too much of a hassle. But then again, in Paris, she had expressed a similar concern and JJ spent a good while reassuring her, telling her that she was more than anything, understood. And she didn't doubt that, Emily knew that out of all people the one that would get her problems more than anyone else was JJ.
She remembered that night clearly, how JJ opened up about her assignment in Afghanistan and how much it was affecting her. Emily was only now realizing that they were two halves of a broken whole. She remembered the shared hotel rooms, the night terrors, how JJ would wake her up and stay by her side until everything was real again, and how she did the same for her countless times.
And maybe it was possible that JJ just wanted to kiss her. Maybe she just wanted Emily, as weird as it was, there might be just that.
“Em,” JJ started. “I'm kinda in love with you, so if you want to run just do it before I wake up tomorrow,” she muttered, dropping Emily's arm from her shoulders to be able to keep eye contact with her, showing how honest she was being. How much she was sacrificing just to say those words and how much power Emily held right in that moment.
She didn't know what prompted JJ's change of heart, why now all of sudden she needed to confess. Her pulse was rising, not only because of what was said but because of the implications of it.
She was fine with her affection being completely one sided, with loving her from afar, she could live with ten, twelve, twenty years of being content with the stolen glances and discreet brushes of skin. But JJ made it real, made it a possibility for them to actually pursue a relationship, to make it work, and Emily was usually terrified of real.
She took a deep breath and made a split decision to just go for it. She couldn't answer why if she tried, the apprehensive look in those blue eyes she loved so much and the nervous way teeth worried her bottom lip dragged Emily to kiss her softly.
Their lips danced in tandem, one of Emily's hands buried in soft blonde hair and the other cupping a well defined jaw, JJ held her waist gently, her fingers splayed to cover as much as she could. Emily tasted the quiet whine JJ let out as their tongues met, her teeth nipping a thinner bottom lip, feasting on the appreciative hum it caused. They only pulled away to take a breath, if Emily could she would kiss JJ forever.
“I won't run,” she muttered, their lips brushing ever so slightly, she pressed another kiss to JJ's lips because it would be criminal to be that close and not do it. “Not from you. Not now that I can say I'm definitely in love with you.”
“Why do I feel there's a 'but' coming?”
Emily smiled and shook her head a little.
“Because you know me,” she answered before pecking JJ's lips gently and holding her at arm's length. “It's just that - I really love you but I don't wanna mess this up and both of us have terrible experiences with relationships. I don't want to ruin this amazing thing we built together, you know?”
“Emily,” her voice was so soft, the way she spoke held so much adoration it was like honey dripped down her lips and Emily had to take a second to wonder how the hell hadn't she seen this earlier, how could she have mistaken the way JJ said her name by something platonic. How could Emily see the way she was being looked at right now and not feel the love, the reverence, JJ felt. Some profiler she was.
“I want you,” JJ continued. “And I don't want to regret this my whole life. I don't wanna go ten years in the future and keep wondering about the what ifs and if onlys, we should at the very least try.”
“You're right,” Emily breathed out and fought her every instinct telling her to run and put up the many walls JJ slammed down in the five years they've known each other, if she wanted this she would have to do it right. “We should try. But JJ, I'm so scared to fuck up and lose not only you but Henry too.”
At that blue eyes widened and a smile made its way to rosy lips, Emily couldn't understand why she seemed so pleased with her hesitation but alas she waited until her maybe-future-lover gathered her thoughts enough to speak.
“Okay. First things first, I like it when you say my name. So please do it,” she started a few seconds later and Emily was compelled to simply throw caution to the wind just for the way her voice lowered a pitch. “And as to the other thing I can say that even if you somehow lose me - which I can't make any promises about, you know that, but I do think is highly unlikely - I don't think you'll ever get rid of Henry. That little guy is your biggest fan.”
She finished with an affectionate scoff and Emily couldn't help but laugh along. She knew that, of course she did, she was aware that if they had something and broke up JJ would never keep her from seeing Henry if he wished to do so, she even tried to have his father have a relationship with him after his birth.
“True,” Emily muttered. “Yeah, we have to do this, I can't imagine going back to being friends after doing this.”
Emily leaned in for a kiss but it didn't last too long, their grins were too big to fully allow them that, as she leaned away she found that the sight of JJ looking at her was almost worth the not that much inconvenient interruption.
A beat of silence passed where they just looked at each other, Emily took in the sight of JJ cozy on her couch, barefaced. It was a view she had seen for a long time, in shitty motels during cases and in the comfort of her home, but it never ceased to amaze her.
JJ was more than beautiful, and sometimes it hurt to look at her, like now with the deep purple circles that showed her ever so present insomnia making her eyes appear just a little more blue. Emily felt like shooting herself in the leg when the wind shifted and the moonlight was able to get in the living room and shine upon her, JJ was mesmerizing and Emily never felt so lucky.
She sighed to get rid of those sappy thoughts. “Morgan will give me so much shit for this,” she stopped to groan. “Can you believe everyone thought we were dating?”
“Yeah…” she brushed a lock of dark hair behind Emily's ear and chuckled at her wide eyes. “I'm not gonna lie, when I woke up this morning, for a moment I also thought we were. That's why I asked you for some time. I needed to think this, our relationship, through.”
Emily wanted to laugh because JJ had probably the same thoughts she did while driving and in the hallway just more than an hour earlier. The fact that they took so long to do something about it was stupid, but then again, the years they spent just being friends were necessary for them to get where they were.
If JJ had expressed any interest in having any sort of nonplatonic relationship with Emily before she died they would probably be nothing more than friends with benefits. She still didn't consider herself fully healed to have a serious relationship but now she wanted to try to learn how to communicate and open up properly, and Emily knew that it was a new development. If they tried a few years back she would've never let JJ in the way she wanted to right at that moment, she wanted to talk about her nightmares and the small goals she set to help her get through the day, she wanted JJ to see her.
Emily slightly shook her head to get rid of her thoughts and focus on the matter at hand. “Wow. Talk about wishful thinking,” she answered in a teasing tone, smirking at the way JJ rolled her eyes.
“Oh, shut up,” JJ muttered, pushing one of her shoulders slightly in an attempt to make Emily forget about how red her cheeks were becoming. “I literally heard you moan my name in your sleep a few days ago.”
It was Emily's turn to blush.
“I-” she started pathetically, but nothing came afterward.
“Wanna have a dream come true?” JJ asked, her voice lower than normal, her eyes already slightly darkening at the mere idea of it.
Emily almost choked on her own saliva and let out a strangled 'Jennifer'.
JJ just laughed and kissed her again.