Work Text:
“If you wish to win my brother’s hand, Man of Iron, then I suggest that you learn to play the panpipes.”
“Huh?” Tony responds elegantly around a mouthful of donut.
“Clearly your skill in battle has done little to impress Loki or he would have given some sign that he approved of your courtship.”
“Excuse me, but my battle skills are awesome. Did you not see how much ass I just kicked? Those giant Angry Birds didn’t know what hit them.”
Thor ignores him. “If you were successfully courting my brother he would have offered you a token of his affections by now to encourage your advances. I have not seen him present you with a flower or any of his garments, nor has he invited you to feast with him. It seems to me that you lack what is required to play the part of the man in this courtship and should take to learning female talents if you so desire to attract my brother’s attentions and eventually wed him.”
“Whoa! Slow down there Thunderpants! Did you just insult little Tony? Because if you did you can buy your own donuts from now on; I get enough dick jokes from Barton without you starting on me.”
“I do not mean to cause offense,” Thor replies sincerely. “Nor do I wish to imply that you lack the girth to satisfy. I am simply concerned by your lack of success courting my brother and wish to offer my assistance. The time I have spent on Midgard has shown me that mortals have numerous traditions which differ greatly from those on Asgard and I would not have you lose heart in your pursuit of my brother due to these differences. I only wished to offer advice on how you might capture his attention. If you feel that I have overstepped some boundary then I apologise my friend. I simply desire to see you and my brother happy together.”
Tony frowns and points his half-eaten donut at the thunder god. “Those big blues of yours should be illegal; it’s way too hard to stay mad at someone with that much of a resemblance to a kicked puppy.”
Thor grins. “It cheers me to know that you have forgiven my unintended slight my friend.”
Tony shrugs. “Just don’t go insulting my manhood, or masculinity, or whatever the hell just happened, again.” He offers Thor a donut, which the thunder god gladly accepts. “Now tell me again what it is you think I need to do to get Loki’s attention.”
“You must play the part of the woman,” Thor replies enthusiastically. “So far you have played the part of the man by crossing swords with my brother and flaunting your ability to provide for him, but as Loki seems to have spurned your advances in this form I propose that you alter your stratagem. Allow Loki to play the man’s part and court you instead. If you demonstrate your talents in music and the culinary arts perhaps he will at last recognise that you are worthy to be his princess.”
Tony winces. “Please don’t refer to me as Loki’s princess. If Romanoff overhears I think it might actually cause her to crack a smile.”
“I am sorry Man of Iron, have I again offended your honour?”
“Yeah, Big Guy, you have. On Earth we don’t call guys ‘princess’ unless we want to start a fight.”
“That is also true on Asgard,” Thor says with a confused frown. “But is it not different in your situation?”
“My situation?”
“Your preference for both males and females. Does that not mean that you do not care whether you play the part of the man or the woman?”
“Err,” Tony replies eloquently, “I think you have much stricter gender roles in Asgard than we do on Earth. When two guys want to go at it they can both play the man’s part.”
“At the same time?” Thor asks sceptically.
“Well, when they’re doing the actual fucking they can’t. They can switch but, you know, unless it’s a 69 or something then only one of them can be in. But that’s not what I was talking about – I was talking about social interaction and shit like that. This one guy I slept with years ago was basically the dictionary definition of masculine and that didn’t change one iota when he asked me to play pitcher to his catcher. If I’d given him flowers or tried to fight his fights for him I know he would have kicked my ass and then gone off to play beer pong with his buddies.”
“What is beer pong?”
“Not important, ask Barton later. The point I’m trying to make is that in the good old US of A we don’t say homosexuals are women or have to play a woman’s part to get their man. A relationship doesn’t need to be built on one person playing the woman’s part and one playing the man’s. We’re actually trying to get rid of that dichotomy of your sex determining your role in life. Equal opportunity and everything yeah?” Tony lets out a breath and drags his fingers through his hair. “You should probably ask Pepper about this stuff; she’s the one who explained the sensitivity and political correctness seminars to me. Romanoff will likely know more as well – she seems like the kind of person who’s figured out her feminist philosophy and catalogued all the ways men oppress women; she wouldn’t be able to exploit that shit as well as she does if she didn’t know how it worked.”
Thor nods slowly, his brow creased with contemplation. “So my advice that you should play the part of the woman...”
Tony waves his hand dismissively. “I get it, don’t worry. Culture clash – it happens; I’m not going to take offense. I appreciate you trying to help with my love life and not smashing my head in for making eyes at your brother.”
“You are a good man and a worthy match for Loki; I could never persecute you for harbouring feelings for him.” Thor pauses, his lips twisting a little in amusement. “However, I do not think my mother will be so indulgent if you do succeed in capturing my brother’s heart. I know she has been expecting both of us to grace her with grandchildren ever since we came of age.”
Tony releases a snort of laughter. “Oh, your mother is going to love me. I’m going to be the big bad boyfriend corrupting her baby and leading him astray. Not giving her grandkids is going to be the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the list of reasons Loki could do better.”
“You sell yourself short Man of Iron. I think that if Loki searched for a hundred years he would not find a suitor as worthy as you.”
Tony takes a bite of his donut to hide his smile. “Thanks Hammer Throw. It’s good to know that I’ve got your support in this.”
Thor smiles and clamps a friendly hand on his comrade’s shoulder. They continue to eat donuts and watch the cleanup of the destruction caused by the villain of the week. Tony decides not to mention that he’s been sleeping with Loki for months now and that the god of mischief seemingly has a much better grasp of Earth’s gender politics than his brother. The engineer is pretty sure he and Thor are having a moment, and if he’s learnt one thing about Norse gods from Loki it’s that they hate being robbed of their moment.