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heeseung took care of jay. it was a fact, common sense, with the way heeseung was the only one older than jay. while jay mother-henned the rest of the members, heeseung coddled jay. whether it was with an arm slung around his shoulders or comforting jay on nights when his thoughts get the better of him, jungwon saw it. he had to, he’s their leader after all.
he saw the way jay would almost instantly melt against heeseung’s side whenever he was under the older’s arm and the way jay cooked heeseung his favorite ramen the morning after quietly crying his eyes out to the older. jungwon pieced two and two together over time and got a decent picture of how the two eldest members functioned together. they fit well together, even though they shouldn’t. with the personalities they have, contrasting and striking against one another, they shouldn’t work—in any other universe, they wouldn’t, but despite it all, they simply click. under the seams, behind the cameras, jungwon always saw the short glances, little touches, hushed conversations—he saw all of them.
jungwon heard plenty as well. screw him for eavesdropping, but how could he not follow jay when the older stumbled out of his room half in tears and made his way to heeseung’s room. his eyes widened when he pressed his ear against the door and heard his normally resilient hyung stutter weakly and break apart. heeseung didn’t say much in response. there was only a rustle of bed sheets and softly, heeseung said in a tone jungwon hadn’t heard before, “come to bed, jongseong. you can talk to me while i hold you.”
and by the sound of it, they did just that. jay cried and heeseung listened. they did it as if it were a habit, it probably was.
even though it was innocent, sweet, jungwon couldn’t stop the ugly twist in his stomach whenever he began consciously picking up on these little moments.
it all began when jungwon realized he wanted jay as more than a friend that he felt sharp urges to steal jay under his arm and wipe the older’s tears away himself and listen to all of jay’s problems and invite the older to sleep in his bed. he wanted to take care of his jay hyung, wanted jay to need him more than heeseung.
it was only when jungwon made moves to make jay his that he really saw what a mess jay could be under pure, unwavering affection. it was surprising, amusing, seeing how quickly his hyung’s composure cracked in the face of being propositioned. it was cute seeing how little compliments or touches it took to get jay red as a strawberry and to be lightly swatting at jungwon’s chest. his jay hyung was simply cute. he remembered, once, when he took the hand on his chest and pressed his lips to the back of jay’s hand, smiling then and now at the subsequent squeak jay let out.
was jay really his though? sure, they were together now, have been for a couple months, but at the end of every day, jay still snuggled up to heeseung all the same and laughed when heeseung laughed and poured his heart out to heeseung. the fondness in which heeseung continued to look at jay with didn’t help either, and the way jay looked back…
jungwon wanted that—wanted jay. in every sense. he wanted jay to look at him like that. he wanted to cuddle jay’s anxieties away. he wanted to hold jay in his arms every night. he wanted jay to laugh along to him, but that right was reserved for heeseung and heeseung only, it seemed. logically, jungwon knew that jay didn’t belong to anybody, that the older would rather be fed to sharks than be restrained, but that didn’t stop the nagging voice in his head craving for jay to be his. it screamed at him to make a move whenever he saw jay clinging to heeseung’s arm, or heeseung slapping a hand on jay’s thigh when they were laughing at something.
jungwon wanted jay to want him.
watching jay bound around the kitchen, making the group food (because god forbid park sunghoon work with flames and nearly burn down the dorm again), jungwon knew jay wanted him, in some sense. it was obvious in the way jay added more eggs and shrimp to the fried rice because he knew jungwon had been grumbling about his protein intake the other day, and the new carton of banana milk in the fridge because jungwon had offhandedly mentioned that the drink reminded him of home. jay wanted him, cared about him, like he did for all of the members, but jungwon was one of his favorites.
jungwon knew that. there was a reason jay was dating him and not heeseung, and parading around in jungwon’s shirt, even though it was a tad bit too large on his frame. jay said that he liked oversized clothes anyway. he’s not sure how much he believes that, but seeing jay walk around wearing his clothes easily silences the questioning voice in his head.
“jungwon.” snapping out of it, jungwon looks up at his boyfriend, smiling worriedly at him. “are you okay? you seem a bit out of it lately.”
no, jungwon wants to respond. nothing’s okay when you look at him like that.
he blinks back at the older and reaches out to hold his waist. he hesitates, and jay notices, like he never fails to do, and immediately moves closer to loop his arms around jungwon’s neck. the touch is gentle, careful, and jungwon—he can’t help it when his mind goes to heeseung. how there’s a chance that jay touches heeseung like this too, with arms wrapped around his neck and sweet smiles thrown at him, and jungwon’s skin crawls.
jay’s breath hitches and his eyebrows furrow ever so slightly. “baby, that hurts.” and sure enough when jungwon glances down at his hands, they’re gripping tightly at jay’s sides.
jungwon thinks he’s sick, twisted, when a small part of him is unbearably happy at the idea of his hands imprinting themselves on his jay hyung for anybody to see. jay with pretty bruises in places only jungwon could give him, walking around wearing his shirt. now that’s a thought.
“tell me, please, what’s wrong?”
jungwon isn’t sure if jay would react well to his reasoning. it would pop the little bubble of joy he refuses to part from that lets him pretend that the band is one big happy family and selfishly, jungwon wants to spill his guts out to him.
he wants to be irreplaceable in the way heeseung is. he wants to be heeseung to jay when the sun goes down. he wants to know if jay has ever thought of heeseung the way he has thought about jungwon. he wants to fucking be heeseung. he wants to hate heeseung. already, he does a little, but saying that would break jay’s heart.
so simply, jungwon replies in a hushed voice that sounds strange to his own ears. “kiss me.”
and with a moment of hesitance, jay does just that, bending down to press his lips against jungwon’s delicately as if he were afraid jungwon would bite back. in a way, he does.
jay let’s out a surprised noise as jungwon bolts his hands down to jay’s thighs and stands up abruptly, making the older wrap his legs around his torso and cling to him shakily. jay can only pull away for a split second before jungwon presses closer to steal his lips once more, carrying jay down the hall and into his room. he hopes heeseung saw.
kicking the door shut behind him, jungwon turns to nearly slam jay to the door and takes the opportunity to snake his tongue into the older’s mouth when he moans at the action, tightening a hand on the back of jungwon’s neck.
jungwon can’t stop thinking. he can’t stop his thoughts from running images of heeseung and jay, jay and heeseung. wrapped around each other, in each other, next to each other, limbs tangling in sheets, fingers tangling in hair, and it makes his kisses heavier, sloppier.
he maps jay’s mouth with his tongue like he wants to carve a space for himself, and the pace makes jay whine. jungwon doesn’t know if he’s doing this to bruise himself or jay, but the noises jay makes just goes to spur him on. when two pairs of bambi and cat eyes flash through his mind, jungwon presses impossibly closer, chest to chest, and works harder to coax pretty little noises out of jay.
his eyes have an unrecognizable gleam to them as jay pushes at him, and the older cups his cheek, keeping one hand on his chest as they catch their breaths.
jay strokes his cheek gently and jungwon burns. jay always had an effect on him, but tonight it feels like his every nerve is wired to jay’s touch and he releases a shaky breath.
“is everything okay?” jay asks, voice thick with concern. “are you sure you want to do this? we can always just go to sleep, baby.”
“be loud tonight,” he replies, ignoring what the older said. his lips quirk when jay immediately flushes pink, legs tightening around his waist.
before jay can form a response, jungwon leans in to capture his lips again, this time slower, deeper. he takes a bit more care in licking into jay’s mouth, pressing against him like he means it, and the older shivers.
jay makes a broken noise when jungwon rolls his hips languidly, still gripping tightly onto the older’s thighs. jungwon pulls back ever so slightly to whisper against jay’s lips, “let me take care of you, baby.”
and what he doesn’t say is all in what he does.
jungwon snakes his hand into jay’s pants and it says that he worships him.
jungwon bites down on a sensitive part of jay’s throat and it says that he wants to devour him.
jungwon thrusts into him, rough and mean, and it says you’re mine.
jungwon kisses his lips and it says that he would love to taste them for the rest of his life.
jungwon holds him on the comedown and it says that he needs the older as much as jay needs him.
the others have to know. jungwon wouldn’t know what to do with himself if they didn’t.