Work Text:
I walk through the empty streets. Lights are burning behind most of the windows of this little city in the desert. I try to image what my life here would be like if fate would have decided that I should become a human, preferably one with an understanding of physics.
In my silly little evening-daydream I am one of the chosen ones to work with you on this project.
I work hard, hoping that one day you’ll talk to me alone, praise my work.
I know that this would be the only way to get your attention and oh, how do I crave it.
The pain disrupts the fragile veil of the daydream.
I am not a human. I am a transmission of energy.
I stop in the middle of the street. A wave of sadness floods over me and I feel more alone than ever.
Before I met you I never thought that I could fall in love with a human. It should be impossible and yet the universe had decided that I should find out that it was damn well possible.
When I first met you I was fascinated from your genius. You have always been pleasant company. I liked to stand in the corner of a room or sit on one of the empty tables, listen to your soft voice, watching every small movement of your body and feeling the smoke from your cigarette mingle with the parts of me which filled the air.
I have followed you through the years and when you accepted the job which would be the reason why we are now here in his newly erected town in the desert of New Mexico I was with you in the same room. I sensed that this would be my chance.
You and me – we were about to create something terrifyingly beautiful.
I sigh at the bittersweet pain you’re causing me. It was a pleasant surprise to find out I am able to love but at the same time I was scared of it. I had observed what love can do to you people and I know that your time on Earth is limited.
‘Stop putting yourself in a melancholic mood.’
The voice in my head is right. I shouldn’t stand here and waste our time. I know that you’re still in your office. I am vaguely aware that this thought puts a dreamy expression on my face.
It wouldn’t matter where you were or with whom, no one could see or hear me. But I preferred to be alone with you, pretending that you could see and hear me.
While I headed to your office I allowed myself to indulge in some unrealistic fantasies about how this evening could end.
I knock on the door, fully aware that you can’t hear it but I pretend that tonight you hear it. I wait and pretend to hear your voice, telling me to come in.
I enter your office and see you sitting behind your desk, writing something as usually. The faint smell of cigarettes is in the air.
I lean against the door, unable to move closer to you as if some unknown force from the universe holds me back to prevent me from doing something stupid.
How could it be stupid to show J. Robert Oppenheimer that he was loved?
I look at my hands with which I can never hold you like I did in my dreams. I can never wrap my arms around you and pull you closer to me to steal a kiss from you. I was denied the joys of caressing your body and whispering words of affection into your ear. I am denied the exciting experience to find out how you taste.
The only options I have is loving you soft and treat you like the fragile being you are or love you violently and claim you as ‘mine’. But I have no intention of hurting you.
I disengage from the door, with timid steps I minimize the distance between us. I know that if I would have a heart it would surely beat as fast as if I was a thief on the run.
Oh, I was about to steal something from you but I will also leave something behind, even you’ll never notice it.
At the moment I’m just harmless background radiation and yet I’ll leave my traces.
I keep my eyes fixed on you until I stand at your desk. I feel the warmth from the cigarette smoke.
For a split second I envy the cigarette you are holding. I wish I would be able to feel your lips on my mine. But I wasn’t a short-lived piece of paper, stuffed with tobacco.
Mesmerized I watch you for a little while, silently noticing that no matter what you’re was doing it was fueling my desire for you.
There was something very sensual about the way you are smoking but I was unable to find the right words to describe it.
At least in the very moment, every attempt would have ended up in a rather vulgar vocabulary. On other occasions I would have been able to use a more flowery way to describe my associations but right now it was an impossible task.
You put the pen aside and lean back on your chair.
I move forward, determined to give in to my desire which was slowly reaching a critical level. I had to give in, for my own sanity. Here in our own little bubble called Los Alamos I needed to make the vision of us reality. One you wouldn’t be aware of, much to my dismay.
“I love you, Robert.”
I try my best not to show much how this love hurts me and smile a bright smile you don’t see.
There is not much space between you and the table but for me this minimal space is enough and milliseconds later I find myself sitting on your desk, feet dangling in the air and so close and yet so far away from you.
For some time I just admire you and once more I notice that you’re the most beautiful human I have ever seen.
“You had a busy day, my love”, I get up from the table, keeping eye-contact with you and then I jump over my shadow and sit down on your lap. Slowly I lay my arms around your shoulders. I feel how our bodies fuse together: atoms meet energy and a soft reaction between us happens.
The last bits of doubt are thrown overboard in the moment when you sign out. I know that I am not the reason and that something on you mind was the cause for it but it is as if that was the signal I had been waiting for.
Slowly the space between our faces vanishes and when I feel your lips on mine a never known happiness rushes through my body. Out of my half-closed eyes I watch you, as I kiss you but I can only taste the tobacco from your cigarette. But that is already enough for me.
As I deepen the kiss I simultaneously search for closeness. I can feel how parts of me enter your body.
They find their way through the layers of clothes, they caress every inch of your skin until they find their way into your body.
Now we’ve become one. We are inseparable since your birth but now it is final as I am giving myself to you in the most truest form.
“Don’t be afraid of me, Robert. I’ll be a gentle lover.” I whisper into your ear as I let my hands roam over your back before I tightly embrace you.
You are still lost in thoughts, your face reflecting that your mind is busy. Absent minded you reach for another cigarette. Seconds later blue smoke rises to the ceiling of the room and fills your lungs.
While I hold you in a possessive embrace I try to focus on how you feel underneath your clothes.
Inch by inch I explore your body, worshiping you from head to toe. There is not a single spot I ignore. You’re a masterpiece and should be worshiped everyday. Believe me, I would do it and would never get tired of you.
I dare not to focus too much on certain areas of your body, even I would like to provoke certain reactions from you. What would make this moment more perfect would be hearing how much you enjoy what I am doing to you. But the only sound I am blessed with is your constant breathing. It would be a child’s play to flip your switch, only a few well-paced movements and your body temperature would rise.
Instead of your body heating up it is me who emits more heat but more heats means more radiation rays with a higher dose which are penetrating your body. I don’t want to break away from you but it is the only way to keep you safe.
Soon I am no longer harmless background radiation. I look at you a last time. Once more I tell you that I love you, before my overheated parts leave your office. With the memory of what had just happen I hope that the night air will cool me down.