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Jing Yuan's memories are slipping away from him, gradually fading like a distant dream. It isn't a sudden loss; rather, he could sense the significant ones slipping through his fingers. And all he could do is watch. It is as if a thick fog had settled in his mind, erasing his recollections one by one.
And then, after a year, Jing Yuan's greatest fear happened—he seems to have forgotten everything that's occurred in the recent year.
He knows memories possess the power to allow one to reflect upon their past and discern what has changed and what has remained constant. However, when these memories get snatched away, one can be plunged into a state of helplessness.
In the depths of this tragic plight, Jing Yuan finds himself fearing the loss of his very essence. Each day, he awakens to a world that feels slightly unfamiliar, a reality that’s moving through his grasp like sand.
The once vivid images of his past are now mere fragments, so scattered and evasive. He yearns to hold onto them, to piece together the puzzle of his own existence.
As the fog of forgetfulness thickens, Jing Yuan's internal struggle intensifies. He dreads he's getting trapped in a perpetual state of uncertainty, unable to grasp the threads of his own identity.
Nevertheless, the most intriguing aspect lies in their discovery of Jing Yuan's mind and ability to effortlessly retrieve memories when they are linked to specific events. It's as though there are only weak mental barriers that readily dissolve when it concerns his everyday actions. Consequently, his routine can be readily traced back due to its repetitive nature.
Jing Yuan believes that whatever was hindering him and controlling his mind is not formidable enough. It lacks the strength to seize control of his life.
“It must’ve been the link between you and Phantylia,” his counselor informs Jing Yuan when he once asked what she thought about the cause of his condition.
Jing Yuan's grave condition goes unnoticed, at first, as nobody seems to realize the gradual erosion of his memories.
Fu Xuan has another suspicion that when Phantylia attempted to manipulate Jing Yuan into becoming a pawn of Destruction, she had already planted some deep-seated influence. Over time, these roots began to flourish and expand, resulting in the loss of his memories as a consequence.
Fu Xuan announces to Jing Yuan one fine morning that the esteemed guests who had assisted with the Stellaron predicament had returned. A month has only passed and she emphasizes how they did everything to come back earlier.
"This is a rare circumstance for them, to return without any significant reason for the whole, so you should treat them kindly," she reminds him.
"When do I never treat anyone kindly?"
Fu Xuan only sighs in her response.
Jing Yuan's memory is still jogged, but he can recall recent memories. One of them is Fu Xuan’s previous mention of these guests' departure for an expedition once the matter in here had been resolved.
This same group of people had lingered in Xianzhou Luofu for a considerable period, but their transient lives dictated their eventual departure months later.
Suppressing his curiosity, Jing Yuan refrains from questioning the reason behind their return. However, Fu Xuan astutely responds to his unspoken query with a succinct yet profound statement: "One of them simply has found a place to call home within these premises."
Their return, unfortunately, is when Jing Yuan soon discovers that he had been gravely mistaken in his theory that there's nothing wrong with his mind and memories.
“I’m Dan Heng,” a man introduces himself to Jing Yuan with a small smile.
Dan Heng doesn't offer his hand or anything. All he gave is his name and a gaze that Jing Yuan wants badly to understand.
That gaze of his, maybe once filled with familiarity and warmth, now holds a hint of ease and hesitation. It’s like this man knows that Jing Yuan currently feels like a stranger in his own skin, a mere shell of his former self.
But Jing Yuan's mind is consumed by the image of this face he can recognize, yet its soul and name appear altered.
“My old friend...” Jing Yuan murmurs, unsure of what to say.
The most agonizing aspect is that Jing Yuan should have already recollected something significant about Dan Heng. It even appears as though Dan Heng is anticipating something else entirely. They must have shared a deep bond, judging by the way the others around them are treating him and the people that are with him.
Dan Heng discloses his name and reveals his face. Similarly, the others have done nothing different. They only introduced themselves and granted Jing Yuan a moment to recollect. And he did, he most certainly did. In a snap.
It was an astonishing revelation back then and a moment of profound discovery for those who are closest to him, especially Bailu. The simplicity of his memory problem left them in awe. There's no need to unravel a curse or vanquish a formidable foe.
The solution to his loss of memory for a year worth lay in a single act: offering a name, and like a torrential downpour, his memories would come rushing back. Alternatively, he could immerse himself in books or peruse his diaries, and the floodgates of recollection would open wide.
But why not with this person before him?
“You don’t remember me,” Dan Heng speculates correctly, his smile fading.
Jing Yuan feels an overwhelming urge to scream, without any apparent reason. He dreads becoming the cause of this man's fading smile.
“Uh, my apologies, Dan Heng… There was some unfortunate incident—”
“I know. But I’m not your old friend,” Dan Heng interrupts him, a strange expression on his face that Jing Yuan couldn’t understand. “Was I mistaken? They informed me that you could easily remember anyone if they tell you their name or introduce themselves to you.”
“I—Yes, you’re right. My mind must’ve been tired today. Don’t worry, this has happened before,” Jing Yuan struggles, trying to come up with an excuse.
Because, no, this has never happened before. Not once, not until now.
“With whom?”
Jing Yuan raises his brows, surprised that Dan Heng has asked this in a cold tone.
“What?”
“It has happened before, you said. Who did you not remember?”
“Mhm… One of the knights,” Jing Yuan answers, oddly nervous.
That is, in fact, a half-truth and a half-lie. He didn't have the privilege of recalling this particular knight back then, as Fu Xuan clarified that he was not under his authority. However, Jing Yuan always made it his duty to acquaint himself with those in his vicinity, thus it was only fitting to familiarize himself with their names.
“One of the knights,” Dan Heng repeats with a certain look on his face.
Like he was thinking about something deeply as he gazes at his feet. Or as he looks at everything but Jing Yuan.
And Dan Heng suddenly asks what seemed the simplest and hardest question, “Were you even close with this knight, General?”
Jing Yuan wants to lie. Somehow, he senses that the truth would inflict pain upon Dan Heng. The manner in which Dan Heng poses the question implied that the fate of everything hinges upon Jing Yuan's one simple response.
However, Jing Yuan couldn't bring himself to do it, for he is acutely aware that they both already know the truth.
“No, not at all,” Jing Yuan replies truthfully.
“That’s what I thought,” Dan Heng returns in a tone that made Jing Yuan’s palm itch.
Jing Yuan feels an irresistible urge to scratch something into the palm of his hand as if he needs a physical reminder of the person standing before him. It's a familiar sensation, akin to the one he experienced while tending to his beloved garden recently.
There is this particular lotus Jing Yuan had carefully planted in a container in the past, and he couldn't help but question why it wasn't placed at the bottom of a pond like the others.
The only response that made any sense came from Yanqing, who simply said, "General, you always expressed your desire to bear witness to its blooming."
That same lotus had perished long before Jing Yuan could even recollect its existence. If he were, to be honest with himself, he senses a profound sense of loss deep and regret within his being.
“—ask Welt or Himeko on the train tomorrow morning. Do you think maybe it’s because you’re the one who struck him with a spear, Dan Heng?”
As Jing Yuan is walking down the corridor, he couldn't help but overhear a girl with a distinct voice that caught his attention. Jing Yuan knows easily that it's the voice of March 7th, one of the people who helped them back then.
He had little memories of her, so it isn't hard to recall them when she introduced herself earlier. The girl with pink hair, always smiling. He remembers she was always around back then, never forgetting to take photos.
Although he is about to continue on his way, his thoughts take a different turn. Jing Yuan is not one to eavesdrop on people's conversations, but there is something about this particular chat that piqued his concern.
“I did that… because I had to,” Dan Heng responds with a tone that felt a little close to anguish.
“We know that. It’s okay, don’t look too sad! There must’ve been a mistake, you know. Maybe the general’s just playing a prank with you, he likes doing those!”
“He’s not.” If Jing Yuan is right, there’s disappointment in Dan Heng’s voice.
"Don’t worry, he'll surely remember. And if not, those memories aren't all you've got, right?"
“Right—you’re right. Thank you, March.”
Jing Yuan has to navigate his way through an empty space without making a noise, feeling a profound sense of loneliness within him.
He has to remember everything, to understand Dan Heng’s tone of anguish, and the reason behind everyone's anticipation when Dan Heng introduced himself to Jing Yuan earlier.
Jing Yuan, as the general, understands that there are efficient methods to accomplish tasks. Over the course of years, he has discovered that the easiest and most effective approaches involve delegation and seeking assistance.
Posing questions expedites task completion. Oftentimes, individuals readily provide answers, and if not, they offer valuable hints to guide your next actions.
The best at maximizing returns for minimal efforts, Tingyun once noted out loud about him.
Jing Yuan ponders: what could be a simpler solution to this predicament than seeking advice from those closest to you, such as your trusted retainer?
“You and Dan Heng…? General, you might hate to hear this,” Yanqing scratches the back of his head before resuming, “But no one really knows.”
“About what?”
“About the two of you. We were afraid to ask about your past with each other.”
“Past,” Jing Yuan repeats the word like it is bitter in his mouth. “What about the present?”
“Oh,” Yanqing shrugs. “I guess you two were civil enough? You asked me not to capture him, so I didn’t. You two were close, others say. I don’t know, you didn’t explain much, general.”
That, he could understand. The response Jing Yuan is seeking may not be what he desires, yet it is something he must acknowledge and accept. For now.
Jing Yuan observes Dan Heng engaged in conversation with his friends, his head slightly bowed and the corners of his lips curling upwards. A smile graces his face. Jing Yuan hesitates to approach them, fully aware that the moment he steps closer, that fleeting smile will vanish into thin air.
It had happened before when Dan Heng was engrossed in a discussion with none other than Yanqing, the very person who had once accused him of being a traitor. They are being deep in conversation, while March displayed a series of photographs to Dan Heng.
Dan Heng, unbeknownst to him, wears a smile that radiates through his eyes as he listens to the two.
Jing Yuan remembers having an urgent matter to discuss with Yanqing, forcing him to approach the group. However, the instant he arrives, Dan Heng's smile vanished into thin air. And Jing Yuan would be lying if he claimed that it didn't sting, for it most certainly did.
The next day, Jing Yuan is taken aback when he wakes up to find Dan Heng in his own kitchen inside his own home, busy preparing breakfast.
Dan Heng greets Jing Yuan with a nod and "Good morning" without even looking at him.
Before Jing Yuan could react, Dan Heng casually mentions, "I'll take care of those pesky weeds in your garden later so they won't cause you grief anymore."
“Wai—”
“And you really have a serious bedhead, general,” Dan Heng comments as he walks his way to the back. To the garden.
However, it's only a moment later that he realized the extent of Dan Heng's intrusion—not only is he comfortably cooking in Jing Yuan's home, but he could also make a lighthearted joke. The unexpected presence of Dan Heng and his willingness to take charge of Jing Yuan's garden leaves him momentarily perplexed, no, maybe not even momentarily.
"Oh, that! I apologize for the oversight,” Fu Xuan says, not at all apologetic. “It seems we neglected to inform you that during their previous visit, Dan Heng was accommodated in your guest room. You had kindly mentioned that it would be inconvenient for him to commute back and forth, hence you provided him with your house key, which he evidently utilized."
Jing Yuan argues, “You're the Master Diviner. You avoid lapses like these.”
"Then, may I inquire about the scheduled date of your abdication? I am prepared to rectify these deficiencies promptly. I’m concerned that I may be becoming complacent because of your presence.” Fu Xuan raises both of her hands and then clasps them together.
Jing Yuan's lips curl into a subtle grin as he gently shakes his head.
“See? You once awakened with a complete absence of memories, and despite this, I can confidently predict that your departure is not imminent,” Fu Xuan continues complaining.
The recollection of this precise moment, intertwined with the countless conversations he had engaged in with Fu Xuan in the past about this particular and similar subject, remained indelibly etched in his memory.
However, how could Jing Yuan not even remember the moment when he handed the key to Dan Heng for his house? Unbelievable.
“Are you getting better?”
“You’re the Healer Lady around here, you’re probably the one who should know if my condition’s getting better,” Jing Yuan says to The High Elder of the Vidyadhara, Bailu.
Bailu scowls. “Your past complaints include tightness in your chest, shortness of breath, drowsiness, having your eyes so tired that you can’t keep them open. Now, you complain to me that you feel these… all of those… when you see this certain individual?”
“Except for the tired eyes part, you’re correct.” Jing Yuan places the box of sweetmeats, nuts, and candies on the table. “Have you eaten, Lady Bailu?”
"Yes, I’ve already eaten," Bailu replies, while still attempting to ascertain the cause of Jing Yuan's current distress.
She notes that every year, the general would visit her to express his discomfort, which served as an indication of the prolonged periods he spent confined within the Seat of Divine Foresight, engrossed in his work.
And it's important to add that his recent condition is not inflicted by Mara, and she'll do anything to make it stay that way.
Although this could have been the first instance of him experiencing these particular symptoms, there seemed to be a specific underlying cause. Which he claims to be of another person.
Bailu raises an important question, "Is this related to the visit of the other High Elder?" Jing Yuan barely has a moment to gather his thoughts before she shares, “Hmm… The matters of the heart are beyond the reach of even the most exceptional medical science.”
Jing Yuan sighs. “You’d say that, but you also wouldn't provide any details about him or our relationship, would you?”
Bailu raises the medicine she prepared for Jing Yuan and grins. “The rarer a disease is, the bolder the prescription must be.”
That same fateful night, Jing Yuan catches a mere glimpse of Dan Heng.
It happens while Dan Heng is engrossed in his reading, perched upon the sofa chair that Jing Yuan thought had always seemed out of place in his meticulously designed abode. Though he couldn't recall its purpose, he couldn't bring himself to remove it.
As Jing Yuan prepares to quench his thirst before retiring to his slumber, he finds himself compelled to engage in conversation with Dan Heng.
"Are you not yet sleepy, Dan Heng?" Jing Yuan inquires, his voice laced with curiosity.
Dan Heng, momentarily diverting his attention from the pages of his book and not even surprised, shakes his head in response.
"Why aren't you in bed?" Jing Yuan asks another question, still ten feet away from Dan Heng. He wants to move close, but something in the heavy air is stopping him.
"So that you'd carry me from here to yours," Dan Heng replies. There's no hint of humor or sarcasm in his voice. His expression seems wistful and reminiscent.
"I can do that, you know."
"Whatever helps you sleep," Dan Heng says before Jing Yuan hears Dan his weak laugh. "Speaking of. If you cannot sleep, Jing Yuan, I suggest indulging in a cup of Hunter Maofeng tea."
Jing Yuan, drained of energy, lacks the will to question how Dan Heng had come to possess knowledge of his usual prescribed remedy from Bailu.
Nevertheless, Jing Yuan drinks the tea, hoping it would bring him solace.
By morning, Jing Yuan is greeted by a remarkable sight as he opened his eyes. There's a beautifully handcrafted metal red lotus flower gracing his dining table.
However, to his surprise, there is no trace of Dan Heng, the diligent gardener who meticulously tended to his garden and removed any unsightly weeds. Adding to the mystery, there is no breakfast prepared just like in the past days, hinting that Dan Heng might have already departed early for the day.
Jing Yuan pays no heed to the distractions; he has pressing matters to attend to. The weight of work burdened him, as piles of paperwork are already being placed on his desk by Qingzu.
However, fate and his own feet have other plans for him, diverting his path before he could even step foot into his office.
“General, to what do I owe this pleasure?” Luocha asks as soon as he saw Jing Yuan approaching him.
Jing Yuan presents the meticulously crafted metal lotus flower on his palm to Luocha. "I've heard that you possess a deep understanding of flower symbolism," he remarks, hoping to engage Luocha's expertise.
Luocha, somewhat perplexed by the object shown in front of him, responds, "Are you asking me to decipher the significance of this small, artificial red flower?"
Jing Yuan pauses for a moment, then replies, "What are your thoughts?"
"I always say the meaning of a flower is often derived from the duration of its bloom," Luocha begins, adopting a more contemplative tone. "However, this particular lotus flower of yours will never fade or wither. Take that as you will, General.”
"You've been avoiding me, Dan Heng," Jing Yuan says, causing Dan Heng to halt in his tracks. He decides to wake up early the next day just to see Dan Heng already preparing to go out. "I reside under the same roof, yet I have never laid eyes on you more than once. I can't even ask you about anything."
"What is it that you need from me, general?" Dan Heng inquires, hesitant.
"It's Jing Yuan..."
"What?"
Jing Yuan chuckles and retorts, "Do I need anything from you, Dan Heng? That's the question I have been posing to everyone. Do I?” The words hang in the air, dripping with tension.
"What question... have you been posing to everyone, General?" Dan Heng asks, his voice laced with a sense of urgency.
"It doesn't matter," Jing Yuan clips, his tone sharp and commanding. "What matters is the next question I'm about to ask you. Did I do something bad to you... before I lost all my memories?"
Dan Heng’s eyes widen in confusion. "What?"
"You said you're not my old friend," Jing Yuan explains, his voice trembling with a mix of frustration and hurt. "You avoided me, you struck me with your spear, you took out those weeds in the garden, and you avoided me... I said that twice, didn't I? But I just don’t know why. The others are acting like we were… something, maybe good friends, in the past. But, I feel like I keep on doing something wrong now."
The atmosphere grows heavy with tension as Jing Yuan's words hang in the air. The weight of his lost memories and the uncertainty of his past actions bore down on him, fueling his desperation for answers.
Dan Heng’s face betrays a mix of emotions, caught between guilt and confusion.
At that moment, the room seems to hold its breath, as if waiting for the truth to be unveiled.
Jing Yuan's voice quivers with a newfound intensity. "I need to know. I need to understand what happened between us. Tell me the truth. Do you hate me?"
Dan Heng's gaze softens, his eyes filled with a mixture of regret and compassion. He takes a deep breath before replying, “No. You aren’t doing anything wrong, Jing Yuan.”
Jing Yuan’s heart crumbles the moment Dan Heng utters his name, his voice dripping with an intimacy that he knows he used to be familiar with. But he doesn't know why.
Jing Yuan, far from being naive or foolish, understands that Dan Heng possessed a fragment of his very soul, a piece he yearned to reclaim. Though his martial prowess may not have been renowned, Jing Yuan possesses enough intelligence to recognize the depth of his longing.
Jing Yuan clenches his teeth and silences his thoughts. "Were we...?" he hesitates, seeking an honest answer.
"...Yes," Dan Heng responds truthfully, his voice filled with certainty.
"We’re married—” “—We were in love, General,” both of them speak simultaneously, their words intertwining in the air.
"Oh... right. I meant that!" Jing Yuan exclaims, his voice filled with surprise.
The intensity of his emotions threatens to overwhelm him, but he fights to maintain his composure, refusing to succumb to the temptation of banging his head against the wall in a fit of passion.
Meanwhile, Dan Heng bursts into laughter, a sound so exquisite that it resonated deep within Jing Yuan's soul. It is as if the heavens themselves had opened up, revealing a glimpse of beauty no one can ever replicate.
"How could you even... interpret my good deed of removing the weeds in the garden... meant that I hated you," Dan Heng mutters while still laughing in between words.
Jing Yuan couldn't tear his eyes away, for at that moment, he knows he is witnessing something truly extraordinary.
"We were in love..." Jing Yuan whispers, his voice trembling with doubt as he questions the veracity of the past tense in his statement.
"Does anyone else know? Besides the two of us?" that we were in love, Jing Yuan couldn't bring himself to say.
"We both assumed Blade was aware. You mentioned receiving a message from him, or rather, his colleague, urging us to confront our emotions and stop dancing around,” Dan Heng answers with a grin. “And I think everyone knew, even when we didn’t tell them.”
"Why did you avoid me, Dan Heng?"
Dan Heng's grin fades immediately, and he pauses, deliberating whether to respond. "You... You compared me to one of your knights. One that you didn't even know."
“No, I didn’t,” Jing Yuan quickly denies.
Dan Heng glares at him. “Yes, you did.”
“Alright. Yes, I might’ve.”
"You did," Dan Heng utters, his voice filled with a mix of sadness and confusion. "I don't know what to do... I heard from the others that you were struggling and busy with something, so I didn't want to bother you."
Jing Yuan's palms itch, yet he doesn't make a move. But he wants to reach out for him, it feels like he has to.
Dan Heng resumes, "But you never told me about this condition, at all. I knew somehow that you were avoiding me back then, Jing Yuan. Then I had to discover on my own that your memories were quickly fading. And I learned about it while I was rushing to come back to you."
"And I didn't remember you," Jing Yuan replies, his tone heavy with regret.
"It's fine, I mean, it isn't your fault," Dan Heng tries to reassure him. "Logically, my mind can process that. I just... I felt so lonely."
"And angry," Jing Yuan interjects.
Dan Heng couldn't help but let a small smile escape his lips. "A little bit."
“I cannot even blame you or anyone for not disclosing anything to me now,” Jing Yuan returns. “Although I may not possess any recollections of what happened back then, deep within my heart, I am aware... My soul knows that I never intended to burden you. Knowing myself, I would have sought an alternative solution that would spare you any distress.”
“I'm aware of this fact. You hold the rank of a general, and naturally, your perspective aligns with that position.” Dan Heng's gaze shifts towards Jing Yuan's hands, resting upon the table. “You have to know that I struck you with my spear, in an attempt to save you. And I fear that is the very reason why you cannot recall me…”
“I am uncertain, Dan Heng, I cannot provide you with any answers," Jing Yuan responds. "However, I believe... It's because my memories of you were what kept me grounded. If someone were to manipulate me into becoming a pawn of Destruction, all they would need to do is... erase you."
"And they succeeded," Dan Heng’s voice quivers with panic.
"No, they did not. You're here, aren't you?"
"What?"
"We aren't just our memories. You're not just a memory," Jing Yuan declares firmly. “You're you. Although my mind may fail to recall, my heart retains the emotions.”
There are tears lurking in Dan Heng's eyes, threatening to spill over at any moment.
Jing Yuan instinctively reaches up and gently cups Dan Heng’s right cheek, as if it is just second nature. Something Jing Yuan must've done before, many times.
Dan Heng, his voice trembling, speaks up, "You said something along those lines too, back then. When I questioned whether your pursuit of me was merely because of my resemblance to your old friend.”
“Was I able to erase your doubts back then?”
Dan Heng nods. “You did. Thank you for dispelling my doubts now, even when you're the one facing hardships with your memories."
A smile tugs at the corners of Jing Yuan's lips. "That's nothing, I even pursued you," he declares with determination.
Dan Heng lets out a laugh. "You wore me down. You’re a formidable opponent, General."
Jing Yuan thinks about how Dan Heng remains oblivious to the captivating brilliance that radiated from the depths of his own heart, a glow that could endure for centuries without any sustenance.
"Ah, but I'll have to be the one to chase after you once more. I must surpass my former self and prove that I can love you even better."
Jing Yuan pauses, his gaze locked with Dan Heng. The gravity of his words is sinking in.
"And this time, you’ll share your worries—no—your everything with me," Dan Heng affirms.
An impassioned atmosphere envelops them as they look at each other, their destinies intertwined.
"You have me," Jing Yuan vows, his voice filled with unwavering determination. "Whether I possess any of my past memory or not."
"We'll just have to make new ones, don't we," Dan Heng whispers, turning his cheek until his mouth touches Jing Yuan's palm. "I suggest we begin with your first kiss with me."
Jing Yuan blinks. That, he can do, without a doubt.