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It's horrible. It leaves a horrible feeling in Rin's throat. It makes her feel nauseous. It makes her feel like tearing off the ribbons Mizuki carefully sewed onto her dress and throwing them on the floor.
Yet, her heart is hammering like it might fall right out of her chest. Her cheeks are heating up like she's faced with the scorching flames of a furnace. Her breath is coming to her in short pants like she just run a mile.
She wants to run a mile. Run a mile away from this. Yet, she can't stop watching.
Len and Kaito break out of their kiss, Len's fingers trailing along Kaito's lips.
"Mhmm, Kaito," He murmurs, "Why are you so hard on me?"
Kaito looks up at him, his eyes linger on his lips for a moment, as if his mind hasn't registered why the two of them stopped kissing.
"I want you to learn how to stand up for yourself."
They're talking about that interaction they had right before this-
-but Rin doesn't care about that. She couldn't give a fuck about Kaito's pointless parenting agenda.
She balls her hands into trembling fists, fighting the urge to throw herself against the window she's watching them from.
It's hard to get any privacy in the empty sekai--even harder to get privacy that is truly private--especially when there's someone following- lurking in the shadows.
Through a pure miracle--maybe through Mafuyu's feelings of wanting privacy, considering this was her sekai to begin with--Kaito and Len were able to find their own private corner in this vast land of gray.
And through the same magic, Rin was also able to find her place--a small pocket with a window at the perfect angle where she can look in but they can't see out. Close enough that one sound would alert them of her presence- close enough that she can hear their panting and their murmured words to each other- so close that it's uncomfortable to stay still that long. Yet she finds herself remaining there for hours on end, coming back again and again each day.
"I want you to learn how to assert yourself," Kaito insists.
Len sits up from where he's seated on Kaito lap, pushing his arms straight from where they were curled around the older man's shoulders.
"Len?"
Rin hates this part--watching Len willingly give himself up to Kaito--watching him lift up his gray-white shirt and pull at his shorts.
It didn't bother her that the act was inherently sexual. What she truly envied was the vulnerability Len showed Kaito--a vulnerability he hadn't shown anyone else--not even Miku.
Yet she's watching all the same, like a car crash she can't look away from.
She doesn't care for the pale cock being taken out of his shorts--but it's the idea that she's catching glimpses of the bare skin no one else gets to see--no one but her and Len.
And Kaito.
Fuck Kaito.
Kaito doesn't appreciate it. Not like she does. That skin Len's baring; He should be baring it to her, and only her.
Instead, Len takes his cock in his hand--the head barely peaking out from the end of his fist--and directs it towards Kaito's face, resting over his thinly pressed lips.
If he wasn't so flushed, Rin would've assumed he was pissed off again with how much his eyebrows are furrowing.
"Is this okay?" Len asks.
Kaito is stupid. So fucking stupid.
If it were Rin kneeling in front of Len--if she was given the chance to show her love--he wouldn't even have to ask that. She would've already consumed him; anything to make him happy.
Anything to see his panting face, and those cute expressions he makes.
But no. Kaito's expression just furrows more.
"Assert yourself more," He grumbles.
Rin can feel her nails digging into the palm of her hands.
Why can't Kaito just appreciate Len.
Why does he have to question everything? What's the point of bringing some life lesson into it?
"It's not about being unassertive," Len murmurs, "I want to make sure you're giving consent. I want to make sure you're okay with this."
"I wouldn't allow you to do it if I wasn't okay with it," Kaito responds.
Rin always finds this part pathetic--the way Kaito tries to be gruff, pretending he doesn't care when his looks at the blonde as if he needs him like humans need air, food, and water- his voice strained and desperate--the way his hands take their place over Len's hips; anyone watching can tell how pathetic he is, filled with the need to consume. Then again, anyone would be reduced to that state when faced with someone as pretty as...
Kaito's stupid pale lips close over Len's pretty cock- framed gently around it.
Len moans, curling in on himself slightly; his face twisting as a blush spreads over his pale cheeks, his mouth open and panting, always confident Kaito's the only one watching him.
Rin wishes she could be the only one seeing that face- that she could be the one making him make that face. It's not fair.
Kaito is rude, and cold, and rough with his words- how come he gets to be the object of Len's affections. It's not fucking fair.
She should be the one there- the one on her knees for someone as pretty and perfect as Len.
"-Kaito... Kaito..." Len moans the blue-haired vocaloid's name.
It takes all Rin's willpower not to leap out of her hiding spot and snarl at the older man. How dare Kaito manipulate someone as gentle and caring as-
Len grabs a handful of the other's hair in his small hands, pulling him closer, forcing him closer so his bottom lip is pressed again Len's balls, and his nose is pressed up to his torso.
Kaito's eyes close, inhaling gently as his head bobs up and down in time with Len's gentle humping. His face grows a little pink--not completely debauched like Len--but just the slightest bit shy, like he's tasting a bit of heaven.
...Rin would be doing the same if she could be in his place. Len probably smells like heaven- or like baby powder; he just seems like the type of guy to smell like baby powder.
She doesn't know how to put it into words- how she feels as Len shudders. As his limbs twitch, tighten, and settle, leaving him gasping and drooling as he falls into Kaito's arms.
Maybe it's a feeling like when Mafuyu and Mizuki sing together- their growling, and the anger that slips out with their words.
Or the feeling when the same purple-haired sings with Ena. The feeling of wanting to be loved, or wanting to be heard. She can feel the love between them there, ironically paired with frustration.
But, there also remains that feeling of... hopelessness.
Like when Kanade and Mafuyu sing together- the way their voices seem to twine together, complimenting each other's sadness.
It makes sense considering they're all composed of Mafuyu's feelings at the end of the day.
Mafuyu's thoughts are the ones weaving the very fabric of this world.
She feels Mafuyu's sadness, Mafuyu's anger, Mafuyu's will to be accepted, as well as her will to find something- anything- that makes her feel alive.
Rin doesn't feel any ill-will towards Mafuyu for being the creator of her feelings, nor do any of the other vocaloids. It's a simple fact of life to them.
Yet, there's a part of her that wonders if her feelings towards Len would remain if Rin wasn't being driven by Mafuyu's feelings of being accepted.
No. No it can't be.
Because Rin doesn't want to just befriend Len. She wants him to trust her- she wants him to love her.
She wants him to give up Kaito- tell him to leave- and have him say that she's the only one for him. Because that's the way things should be between them.
If anything, Kaito is the one with fake feelings.
He's just here to parent- a guiding voice for Mafuyu and the others. Of course he's 'attracted' to Len.
And of course Len would be naive enough to trust Kaito over her. He's driven by Mafuyu's childish feelings of wishing for approval from her mother. He's just seeking approval from the blue-haired man- and Kaito dangles it in front of him like bait.
In all her seething, Rin missed the moment where Len slides his small body over Kaito's cock.
Her green eyes snap back up to the pair as Len lets out a long, breathy moan, clinging onto Kaito's large form.
He pulls at the straps of Kaito's chest harness, moving his hips up and down. Pulling at the ribbons of Rin's dress- or gently undoing her corset- would suit those small, lithe fingers far better.
"Ah- Kaito-" His moans are so breathy and soft, like he's shy about them, yet unwilling to bite them back.
In contrast, Kaito is biting down hard on his lower lip, eyebrows furrowed and angry like he's enraged at himself for the voices leaking out.
What a hypocrite. All his talk on being assertive and unashamed, and here he is, hiding himself. Pretending he's unaffected by it all.
Though, if Rin was being honest with herself, she probably would do the same, too embarrassed to show Len the state that he brought her to.
But at least she's not a fucking hypocrite.
"Ah- yes- right there-"
At least- at least-
"Kaito- Kaito-"
Her name should be coming from those lips.
She should be the one Len loves- she should be the one making him cry- she should be the one making him feel human, as he would comfort her back, with that innocent smile of his.
He would tell her that she's real, that she belongs in this world, as people belong in the real world. That her feelings are real, and not just parts of a code, or fragments of Mafuyu.
But he wouldn't need to tell her. His embrace would be enough to solidify that in her mind, and she'd be willing to do anything in return to express how she felt.
"Ah- please-" Tears stream down his cheeks, "I'm gonna- I'm gonna cum-"
Kaito grabs him roughly by the hips again, fingers curling into the boy's hips in such a way, Rin knows they're going to leave bruises in the morning.
Yet, she can't find it in herself to hate him, because Len seems to eat it up, biting down on his lip in a mimic of Kaito- as if he loves the pain.
He's so pretty- he's pretty on his own- but he's pretty beyond words like this. Pretty, cute, adorable, but most of all, not her's.
Rin wishes she never found them. She wishes she never got to see Len's face, because now she has to exist with the knowledge that she could never be rough with Len--not the same way Kaito is--and therefore, he'll never be her's.
She'll never be responsible for bringing him to this state- she'll forever hold the same pathetic gaze Kaito has for Len, but she'll never get to taste him like he has.
Yet, despite all the pain it causes her, she finds herself returning to that same spot the next day.
And the day after that.
Again.
And again.
And with each day that passes, each day she contradicts herself further and further, Rin comes to terms with the idea that she'll never be human enough to understand why.