Archive of Our Own

It was seven a.m., the sky was barely blue where it was visible through the open curtains, the cold December air had seeped through the small gap in the open window into every corner of the room, everything was silent.

Snow lay heavy and thick on tree branches and windowsills, the air was muffled, but the world was bright despite the lack of sun rays on the horizon. The reflection of the snow sent a sort of undefinable pastel colour across the sky and thus the bedroom was dimly lit up as well, enough to make out vague shapes and shadows.

It was seven a.m. and Sirius was wide awake and, what may come shocking to you, not fussed about it. She didn’t try to fall back asleep, instead listening to Remus’ soft breathing beside her, the way the wind rushed against the window, feeling the cold room embrace her and letting the iciness wander over her skin, seep into her bones. She was freezing, her skin littered with goosebumps, but she didn’t mind. She had always been a winter girl. Since she was small she remembered feeling entranced by entire neighbourhoods, streets, fields, forests being covered in snow, muffled sounds and the lack of an echo in the air, the silence, lakes being frozen over and nowadays as a big girl, wearing cute boots, gloves and berets, dressing up to take a walk in the winter scenery.

Remus was no different, though for reasons that differed from Sirius’ own, which was precisely why the window was open when the temperatures dropped inhumanly overnight.

Remus always ran hot, Sirius was sure it had something to do with his werewolf metabolism, and thus even now he was only wearing boxers and a thin, grey t-shirt, whereas Sirius was wrapped in one of his thick sweaters, buried under the blankets and still froze. 

Again, though, she didn’t mind.

She turned in her big bed, rolling towards the dip in the bed and sprawled herself across Remus’ body, carefully, so as to not wake him.

It was December and Sirius had been living with the Potters for half a year now. She had decided, some time during the end of summer, that she would give herself one year. One year to learn what it was to be loved by her family, one year to let herself float, no responsibilities, no work, no obligations. One year to find a part in the world where she fit, where she was free of fear and the shadows in her mind. She had started going to a mind healer for that and Remus called them therapists, because he was stubborn to his muggle vocabulary. Sirius thought it was endearing.

So, she had started going to a mind healer. Multiple, actually. It had taken a while for Sirius to feel truly comfortable with someone, a mix of shame and fear holding her back from truly opening herself, but she had found someone now. She was an elderly woman, a serious demeanour at first, but her voice was soft, her eyes had an intelligent and knowing glint to them, and she knew how to get Sirius to talk. She also knew when it was best not to talk, to spend the session in silence and letting Sirius linger with her thoughts, but offering steady guidance to Sirius when her thoughts brought her too far away. Sirius had been sceptical at first, hadn’t really believed it would work because she had not realised the amount of baggage that had been left of her childhood, the memories having become a steady hum of background white noise that she had believed wasn’t significant until they had been brought forward and actually worked through .

Sirius knew she would never be entirely free of nightmares, of shadows moving, of darkness , something about trauma, as the mind healer had said, but she felt better . Lighter somehow. Like the knowledge of that fact and the knowledge that she was working through it and alive , truly alive and living, despite everything was a healing factor itself.

And so she stayed at the Potters for longer than she had anticipated and she let herself be loved, let herself be cared for and accept Euphemia’s and Fleamont’s kindness, because she was trying to learn that she didn’t have to earn it. That she deserved it and she wasn’t a bad person for taking it all with gratitude. 

In spring Sirius would sign up for Healer training, because she gave herself one year, but after that she wanted to start doing something. And she loved the idea of helping people, like she saw Effie help Remus heal after a full moon, like the Doctor had helped her, like Poppy helped students at Hogwarts everyday. Also, her mother would despise it, such a kind and compassionate occupation, and it was just more reason to do it.

She had thought long and hard about it, but she had also decided to specialise in body alterations, because she wanted to help kids like herself and the first time she’d thought about it, she’d cried herself to sleep in both sorrow and joy. It would make her happy, she realised. Her mind healer always told her to find what made her happy and then pursue that, not let it run away or go to waste because she was scared to fail. That’s what had made her sure. She was going to become a healer.

The thought made her giddy, especially when she turned her head to watch Remus’ face, tracing his scars with her eyes slowly. She drank in the sight of him greedily, clutching him a bit tighter around his torso like he could slip through her fingers like water.

Remus, other than Sirius, did not live at the Potters. He had stayed for most of the summer, but when August had bled into September he had gone back home to Wales, and while he still visited most days and Sirius often stayed overnight at the Lupin cottage as well, those nights alone in her bed felt unbearable. She had become accustomed to the weight and warmth of him next to her, to small touches throughout the night, the sound of breathing, grumbling and soft snores. The bed was lonely without him. 

It was the 11th of December and Remus would stay at the Potters until New Years Eve, a glorious three weeks that Sirius looked forward to. He had arrived the day prior and it was the first night in ages (two weeks at most) that Sirius had slept next to him and so she was awake at seven a.m. and grinning like an idiot with the happiness of having him next to her, on a beautiful snowy morning, with the sky lighting up ever so slowly as the sun crept closer to the horizon. 

It was the 11th of December and it was also only three more days until the full moon and Remus’ skin was hot all over, so Sirius carefully removed the blankets from his body, lest she had to remove herself, which was simply not an option, and it left Remus bare enough that Sirius could see that he was hard, too. Her grin widened. 

Slowly, she swung her leg over his hip to straddle him, feeling his erection press into her crotch and muffling a moan as she pushed up the thin fabric of his shirt, lowering herself to kiss across his chest and then continuing a path down his stomach towards his crotch. Remus didn’t stir. He slept like a bear sometimes. 

Remus’ deep sleep worked in Sirius’ advantage as she pulled on the elastic band of his boxer to push it down far enough until Remus cock was free. 

Sirius waited a moment, to see if Remus would wake up, but when he didn’t she suppressed a smile and started to press kisses along his length, from the base to the tip, where she lapped up the small stream of precum that had formed. The silence did nothing but enhance the intimacy of the moment, the sound of kissing and loud breathing the only things filling the room.

Sirius closed her lips around the head of Remus’ cock, who let out a long breath, but seemed to not have woken up yet. She basked in the raw scent of his arousal, the naked skin of his thighs as she leaned her hands on them for support, his scars on display as his shirt was pushed up over his nipples and Sirius wanted to taste him everywhere, wanted her tongue on every part of his body at once, wanted to swallow him whole. Instead, she did the next best thing and slid down until she could feel him at the back of her throat. She closed her eyes and breathed in before she opened her throat and took him to the hilt. There was something so sensual about deepthroating him without his heavy hand wound into her hair, forcing himself deeper that she felt lust tingling down her spine and desire bloom in her abdomen. 

She lingered there a few long seconds before she dragged her lips up again, sucking in her cheeks as she did and swirling her tongue along the underside of his cock. His breathing had become quicker, eyelids fluttering and his forehead was etched into a frown. With wonder, Sirius watched his stomach muscles constrict while she sucked on the head enthusiastically, enjoying the taste of him first in the morning. 

The moment she slid down again and her throat tightened around him once more was the moment Remus came into consciousness, confusion spreading across his face for a second before it swiftly changed into pleasure and a soft groan was heard somewhere above Sirius’ head.

“Fuck- Sirius ,” he gasped, his voice raspy with an edge of desperation. Sirius would have smiled with pride at being the cause for the desire in his voice, had her mouth not been otherwise occupied.

She continued sucking him slowly, coaxing him further into consciousness and his hand winding in her hair after the first moment of realisation a familiar thing. He didn’t push, simply kept his hand entangled with the long strands of Sirius’ black curls, simultaneously holding them out of her face.

After some minutes, though, he used his grip to pull her off, mumbling something along the lines of “get up here” and pulling her up to his level, pushing her onto her back and climbing on top of her. She felt his weight on her entire body as he lowered himself to kiss her urgently, teeth and tongue and much too heated for so early in the morning, but it was three days until the full moon and it was clear what Remus wanted. He kicked off his boxers without breaking the kiss, pulling down her shorts with the same show of smooth movements. 

When he realised she wasn’t wearing any underwear, he broke the kiss and raised an eyebrow.

Sirius pouted. “It’s uncomfortable.” 

Remus’ expression did not falter, so Sirius pressed on. “Women’s underwear is fucking tight,” she said, pushing her voice into what was almost a whine.

It made Remus snort and shake his head. Then, he sat up to reach over to the nightstand and said, with a casualness as though he delivered the news about the fucking weather and a still downright sinful rasp in his voice, “I’m gonna fuck you now.”

Sirius felt like all the breath just punched out of her. “Yeah,” she nodded, eagerly, “Yeah, okay.”

He took his sweet fucking time pushing one lubed finger after the other into her and when the second finger entered her, he pushed his head between her legs and Sirius felt his tongue between her folds in addition to the fingers. It was all she could do to not let moans tumble out between her lips, lest she wake up her parents or, worse, James, (there was simply no time for silencing charms) and she clamped a hand over her mouth when Remus’ tongue pressed against her clit insistently. She came, helpless against the relentless stimulation and while she was coming down from her orgasm, breath coming in quick gasps and her body falling against the bed limplessly, he pushed into her, forcing a high pitched whine to be released from her. 

“Shh, baby, we don’t wanna wake anyone, do we now?” He whispered, cruelly, right into her ear, his breath fanning over her cheek with how close he was. Her legs shook where she had them wrapped around him and she was powerless to stop the small sounds of whimpers coming from her mouth.

“Sadist,” she managed to gasp out and she felt him smile into her neck.

She took in another breath and then wrapped her arm around his neck, her nails digging into his shoulder blades while he wound his own arm around her waist, lifting her up a tiny bit before slowly starting to thrust into her.

It stayed slow and lazy, Remus spreading sloppy, wet kisses wherever he could get his mouth, leaving bite marks on her neck and collarbones that Sirius already knew she’d have to cover up to spare herself an absolute humiliation in front of—well, everyone, really.

Sirius felt the burn of overstimulation creeping up her legs and abdomen, crawling down her spine in painful pleasure, especially when his hand slid between her folds and his fingers rubbed against her clit once more. She bit down on his shoulder to muffle her moans while he rapidly pushed her towards her second orgasm, mumbling sweet praise into her ear, you’re doing so well, love, taking it like a princess. You’re so beautiful, lying there making the prettiest sounds, I love you, you’re mine. Mine mine mine.

She came again, slowly and so intense that she swore she felt it in her fingertips, her moans this time were swallowed by Remus’ own mouth as he pressed their lips together, ran his tongue along her bottom lip before biting down harshly as he came as well, a few slow but hard thrusts later. 

He collapsed on top of her, both taking a moment to catch their breaths, before Remus lifted himself again, pressed a close mouthed kiss to her lips, mumbling a quiet “I love you” before carefully pulling out and laying down beside her, one arm still draped across her stomach. Sirius took the chance to stretch out her legs, closing her eyes and basking in post-orgasm haze. Until she felt Remus shuffle again and then interrupting her peace with a volume much too loud for the morning.

“It’s half past seven in the fucking morning and you wake me up for sex?”

Sirius made a noise. “Shut up. There are worse things to wake up for.”

“You’re mental. The sun isn’t even up.”

“So?” Sirius replied, exasperated. “Stop complaining or you’ll get no more sex before the full.”

There was a long silence and when Sirius cracked an eye open, Remus was looking at her with his big, brown puppy eyes and a pout. 

“You wouldn’t be so cruel to me. Why do you wanna see me suffer?” He pushed his face into her chest with a hmph . Then he looked up again. “You wouldn’t really do that, would you?” And there was genuine concern on his face.

Sirius snorted and let her hand wind into his hair, scratching his scalp softly. His face relaxed immediately. “You’re a manchild. A big baby, really.”

“Answer the question.”

“If you shut up, I won’t force you into temporary celibacy.”

Remus did not say another word. He didn’t take his eyes off her face either, though, instead watching her with a loving gaze for the next few hours that they lay in bed lazily, dosing as the room became brighter and the first rays of sunlight appeared on the sky. 

Breakfast that morning was an affair, because Remus was not the only visitor in the Potter household. Peter had arrived just a day before Remus and with all four Marauders reunited, breakfast was downright chaotic. And loud.

“ James! ” Peter shrieked at some point. “What is wrong with you?”

James looked up from where he was pouring milk into his cereal bowl. “What did I do?”

Peter stared at James’ bowl in horror. James’ empty bowl, save for the milk that was still flowing steadily.

“What are you doing ?”

“...Eating cereal?”

“No, you’re not,” Peter said, very matter of factly. 

The bowl was full now. James sputtered. “What do you mean no ?”

“You can’t eat cereal that way.”

“ What way?”

“Like that .”

“He means you can’t put milk before cereal,” Remus explained. He frowned. “Who taught you that? Effie is too good of a woman to have integrated that into your brain.”

James looked a little affronted. “I’ve been eating cereal like that my whole life.” 

“How have I never seen you eat cereal?”

“I don’t know,” James shrugged. “Hogwarts had better things to offer.”

“You’re a freak.”

“ I’m the freak? At least I’m not a fucking rat-”

It went on like that the entire morning. James and Peter being childhood friends, Sirius and Remus heard them bicker like that regularly and at least Sirius always thought it to be greatly entertaining. Peter had a knack for being very purposefully very annoying, but he did it so subtly that often it wasn’t Peter that James got mad at, he got irritated with himself . Peter wasn’t exactly the brightest candle on the Christmas tree when it came to school stuff, but outside of logic and rationality, Sirius often found that he was sort of a genius.

And, as Peter would prove to you, he was observant as well. For—rather peculiar things. The most obvious things flew over his head.

But, again, when it came to peculiar things…

“You know, Sirius,” he began, later, when he had finished his discussion with James about cereal, which had left James sulking momentarily, “Before you—came out, or whatever, I had always wondered why Padfoot doesn’t have a dick.”

Sirius was lucky she decided to wait to take a sip of her coffee until after Peter spoke. There was a long pause of silence. Then: “ What ?”

“Peter, what the fuck?” That was James.

Remus just frowned into his tea. “She didn’t?”

“No! I was so confused I checked if I had balls as a rat, because I thought it was an animagus thing, but when I did have balls, I always wondered why Padfoot didn’t have any,” he almost mused , looking out of the window contemplatively.

“You looked at your rat balls in the mirror?” James asked and it was clear there was a bark of laughter trapped behind his teeth waiting to be released.

Peter hummed and nodded.

Before James could start laughing and not getting himself together for the next ten minutes, Sirius interrupted. “Yeah, lovely, Pete, really, but why the fuck were you looking at my genitals when I was a dog ?”

“I wasn’t exactly searching for it, but I’m small and Moony scares me sometimes so I hide beneath you and I just—noticed.” He shrugged. “I was confused about it for a while, but then you came out and it made sense.”

Sirius frowned. “Why?”

Peter blinked. “Well, your animagus form is supposed to show your true self, right?”

Sirius’ jaw fell slack. She felt a little speechless. 

“I’m surprised Remus didn’t know.”

Remus didn’t miss a beat. “I heavily dislike the implication of that sentence.”

“What sentence?” A female voice that did not belong to anyone at the table sounded suddenly and when Sirius turned she saw Effie step into the room, a sheet of paper and a pen in her hand.

“Don’t you dare—” Sirius started but it was no use, because at the same time James already said, “Sirius’ animagus never had a dick.”

Sirius slid down her chair very slowly, hoping the void beneath the table would simply swallow her.

“Hmm,” Effie hummed. Sirius hid her face in her hands. “Well, that’s just fitting, isn’t it?”

“Yes!” James agreed enthusiastically. “That’s what Peter said, too.”

Sirius groaned. “Can we please change the subject?” She begged and Effied relented.

“Yes, yes, I actually came here for Remus anyway.”

Remus looked up, eyebrows raised, letting her know he was listening.

“Would you be a darling and pick up these potions Fleamont ordered? You were going to Diagon Alley today anyway, yes?”

Remus nodded, but before he could speak his agreement, Sirius piped up. “I could do it. I’m just gonna follow Remus like a lost puppy all day anyway, might as well give me something to do.”

Effie nodded, “Sure, that would be great, dear,” and then started scribbling on that piece of paper that she brought when she entered the room.

Remus’ head turned towards Sirius. “You’re coming with?”

Sirius stared. “Obviously.”

“Why?”

“Because I missed you, god forbid.”

“We see each other nearly every single day.”

And then a slow but dangerous smile spread on Sirius’ lips and she could see in real time how Remus’ face constructed into regret of having started the discussion at all. “Sure,” she said easily, innocently, and with a bat of her eyelashes, she added, “but you don’t fuck me like that every morning.” 

And then she got up, took the sheet of paper from Effie’s hand and left to get ready, leaving Remus entirely alone with the humiliation. The last thing she heard was a loud and suspiciously James-sounding “ HA! ”

“You’re a brat,” Remus mumbled later as they walked through the crowds in Diagon Alley. The pavement was wet and the snow was muddy, but it still lay thick and white on the rooftops and windowsills of the little shops all around them. The sky had clouded over. It was cold. Sirius was only wearing thick thermal leggings and a skirt, which had been a mistake on her part, but the long, waist-pronouncing coat, her doc martens and her little beret made the outfit look so cute that she couldn’t even begin to care. She was wearing black silk gloves as well and her hair was in two, long braids. People were staring for all the wrong reasons, but if she used her imagination and pretended it was her outfit making people stare, Sirius could almost ignore it. 

Truth to be told, Sirius didn't really enjoy being in Diagon Alley, or, generally, any part of the wizarding world, entirely on her own so when she saw the chance to come out here with Remus by her side, she took it. Remus probably knew it too. 

“She almost gave me the talk again.” Remus shook his head, exasperatedly. “Think she’s indulging a little too much in the fun of having a daughter.”

“Yes, well,” Sirius sighed, “I do quite like to be indulged.” 

“Oh, I know you do,” Remus murmured absentmindedly as he lit a fag. It wasn’t a common sight, muggle cigarettes in the wizarding world, as most Purebloods held a sort of disdain for them. You couldn’t take the blood supremacist out of most Purebloods, Sirius supposed, and the smell of nicotine caused heads being turned towards Remus and noses being scrunched in disgust. Remus didn’t even seem to notice. Neither did Sirius really, as she watched the fag hang off his lips, Remus not bothering to take it out between drags while pocketing his pack of Reds and the lighter and puffing out smoke next to the cigarette. Sirius was sure there were little hearts in her pupils then.

“That you?” Remus suddenly said, nodding towards the other side of the street where a big sign read Potions and Sirius shook herself out of her little trance. She stopped on the pavement and Remus mirrored her, watching as she plugged the fag from his lips and took a drag herself, then placed the cigarette back between his lips. 

With a peck to his cheek she mumbled a quick goodbye and then skipped across the street towards the shop.

The bell rang as she entered through the door and it rang again as it fell close behind her. It was warm inside. She pulled off her gloves, stuffing them into a pocket in her coat and pulling out the sheet Effie had given her, before making her way to the counter. 

The man behind the counter was a middle aged man with greying hair. “Good morning, Madam,” he said, his voice gruff, “how may I help you?”

“I’m here to pick up an order for Fleamont Potter.” She slid the paper across the counter for the man to inspect. 

His eyes went a little wide when his eyes dropped lower on the page, where Sirius name would be written and the one to pick up the order. “Oh, er, I’m so sorry—Mr Bla-”

“ Miss is just fine,” Sirius interrupted, quickly, with a dangerous edge in her voice.

She could see the man’s gaze wander across her body, pure confusion on his face as he, Sirius supposed, tried to put the puzzle pieces together and she almost felt a little sympathetic. 

“But—You’re the Black kid?”

“Mhm,” Sirius nodded. “So the potions?”

“Yes, of course, apologies— Ms Black.”

He hurried through a door behind the counter, granting Sirius a glance into a huge room filled with packages. He returned not a minute later with one of those packages, a rather small one, and placed it on the counter for Sirius to take.

“It’s already been paid so…” He paused. “Listen. I’m sorry. I’ve read the articles in the Daily Prophet and—”

Ah . Yes. The articles. Sirius had read them too and thrown up afterwards. Some young ‘journalist’, if it was even appropriate to give her that title, with the name of Rita Skeeter seemed to have made it her life’s mission to fill the Daily Prophet with rubbish about the current gossip in the wizarding world instead of actually important news and for some reason they let her. The wizarding world, for all that it seemed like it had a huge stick up its arse, devoured those articles like wild animals and the sales for the Daily Prophet had gone through the roof. Sirius herself had been the target for one of her articles before. Her hands clenched impossibly tight where they were hidden in her pockets.

“—I just wouldn’t want to lose Fleamont Potter as my loyal customer, you must understand—”

“Shut up,” Sirius replied flatly and took the package off the counter. He clamped his mouth shut. “May I get a bag?”

With satisfaction, she watched as he scrambled to produce a bag on the spot. Sirius could also just shrink the package and put it in her pocket, but where would be the fun in that?

“Of course, of course, let me just—” From somewhere beneath the counter he pulled out a little plastic bag and even bagged the package for Sirius, before handing it back to Sirius. 

“Thanks.”

“Have a good day, Ms Black!” He called after her as she was already halfways out of the door. She ignored him.

Cursing under her breath, she stepped back out onto the pavement, silently brooding, murmuring under her breath, Mr Black my arse, why don't you suck my—

“Sirius?”

The voice made her stop in his tracks. She knew this voice. She’d heard laughter in that tone, a few pitches higher before it dropped during puberty, after that she’d only really heard it cry, heard it pleading Sirius? Sirius, are you okay? Sirius you’re bleeding— and so she stopped in her tracks and turned around to look for the source of that voice.

He used to be her spitting image, back when they were young and Sirius’ hair was short and Walburga stuffed them into all the same clothes, boy clothes, with padded shoulders and two sizes too big to make her look broad and masculine. They could’ve passed for twins when they were younger, had not everybody known that she was important, she was older, she was the heir and he—he was just there. A spare. A back-up plan.

Now, he stood before her, taller, broader, high and regal, with a long slender nose like their mother and dark eyes like their father and Sirius couldn’t even find a trace of herself in that face of his, rid of baby fat and all the worry that had tainted his features for so long. It was rather blank even, his face, like there was no recognition of him in Sirius’ face either. 

“Regulus,” she whispered, but it was drowned as the familiar shriek of a voice called the same name. Sirius’ blood ran cold.

Walburga appeared as she walked around a corner onto the main street. She looked around for a second before she spotted Regulus and approached. Sirius’ mind told her to run but her feet were rooted to the spot somehow, her gaze still fixed on her brother. 

Her brother who she hadn’t properly seen in years, since she was sixteen, to be exact, save for fleeting glances in the hallways, a quick search for the other’s eyes in the Great Hall. Sirius’ brain was spinning, loaded with everything she wanted to say, ask, talk to him about and it wasn’t Walburga that made her stay silent, surprisingly, no, it was rather the look on Regulus’ face, like he didn’t even know who she was. Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he didn’t want to get to know her, either. 

“Regulus, there you are, must you run—”

Sirius could feel the moment Walburga noticed her. Couldn’t hear it in her voice as she stuttered, no, she could feel the moment Walburga’s eyes lay on her, could feel it run down her back like ice. Very reluctantly, she pulled her gaze away from Regulus and let her eyes fall onto her mother instead.

She hadn’t changed one bit. Her statue was still tall and intimidating, despite not being much taller than Sirius, her eyes still full of hatred and regret as she looked down on her only failure. She wore the same as always, long, black robes, her hair was pinned up into a tight bun. A silver necklace around her pale, slender neck, a bright green emerald sitting rich on her sternum. A silver snake that curled around her ring finger in place of a wedding ring. 

“Sirius.”

“Hello, mother.”

Her lips curled at the word. For as much as Sirius despised it too, she did find pleasure in the way Walburga seemed to hate it more.

Sirius nodded towards Regulus. “Shouldn’t he be in school?”

Walburga smiled. “He’s taken his N.E.W.T exams. He’s far beyond his classmates and he has much more important business to tend to than school .”

“Like the absolute honour of taking over the Black family business?” Siirus snorted. “You people make yourself so much more important than you are.”

Walburga raised her chin. “Come on, Regulus, we must leave now.”

She turned around without another glance towards Sirius, but Sirius’ heart dropped when Regulus turned around as well, like he hadn’t even acknowledged Sirius’ presence when it was him who had called out to her in the first place. Anger flared in her chest.

“Regulus!” She called. He ignored her. “ Regulus!” She called louder and he finally turned around. Sirius was surprised to see the change in his face, something pleading in his eyes now, like he was begging her to stop. 

“You haven’t spoken to me in two years,” Sirius said, quietly, and with a hint of sadness in her voice. 

“Sirius…” He sounded like it pained him to say, that simple word, nothing but her name. 

“Please, Reg.”

Walburga stepped forward, obscuring Sirius’ view of Regulus’ face. “Regulus does not associate with filth like you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean, mother?”

“You know exactly what it means,” she hissed, too close to Sirius now and she resisted the urge to step back. She wouldn’t hurt her, not here, not in the open and in front of everyone. “I don’t know what has gotten into your sick brain, but I am not your mother and you will never be my daughter. Whatever you’ve done to yourself doesn’t matter. I will always know it. Everyone will.”

Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt to hear these words, words that nobody else dared to speak to her because she was a Black still, she was powerful and people knew. Instead, it felt almost freeing. Sirius smiled. “No, you’re right. I was your son and now I will never be your anything anymore.”

And that was the beauty of it, because as much as Sirius had wished for all that she had now as a child already, looking back she was glad she had not grown up as Walburga Black’s daughter, because like this, Sirius’ femininity was entirely her own and she couldn’t see a trace of Walburga in her own reflection. Sirius had shaped herself, made herself into her own woman, had taken back femininity and all that was stolen from her in her childhood and none of it was tainted by Walburga’s hands anymore. She didn’t grow up as a daughter and for that she would be able to live as a woman peacefully and to her full extent now. 

Sirius glanced past Walburga again, looking at Regulus and searching for her little brother in him. In all of it, he might be her only regret. Maybe if she’d tried harder to reach him, to show him how much she fucking cared , how much she loved and missed him, what she’d do to reverse it, take him with her, do anything to save him as well. But as she looked now, none of that was mirrored in his face and a deep and dreadful understanding settled in her that maybe she was right to think, all those months, years, ago, he had not wanted out at all. That her little brother as she knew him was gone, that they’d gotten to him the way they never got to Sirius at all and maybe that’s where she went wrong, he’d never been like her, she never had truly understood him and it had all been fake, one big misunderstanding. She wanted him back desperately but she had never really had him at all. He hadn’t been slipping through her fingers like water, had instead been part of the same ocean that had steadily drowned her and the thought, the realisation , made Sirius sick to her stomach. 

“What’s going on here?”

Sirius breathed a sigh of relief at Remus’ low voice, that same timbre that always sat on her skin like the silk of her gloves. It was soothing, like the heavy hand that suddenly appeared on her lower back, the tall statue of Remus beside her that made her feel safe. 

“Nothing,” she said quickly. “Nothing. Let’s go home.”

She didn’t wait for a reply, instead taking Remus’ hand and apparating them back to the cottage, where she immediately turned around and walked the path to the front door. Remus was silent as she shrugged off her coat and pulled off her shoes, set the bag on the dinner table and walked into the kitchen. Remus followed. 

Only when she had made herself some tea and sat down at the kitchen table did Remus finally ask.

“You okay?”

“‘M fine.”

“What’d she say?”

“I don’t care what she said.” Remus stared at her. His face was unreadable, save for a hint of concern, a barely visible frown. “I don’t . I promise. Trust me. I don’t care about her anymore.”

Remus hummed. “You care about him.”

Sirius was silent and sipped on her tea. Remus’ eyes stayed on her, intently, unwaveringly. It was one of those moments in which Sirius wished to simply disintegrate under his gaze to escape it, lest he look too close and see right into her, pick it all apart and decipher it before she herself even began to understand it. 

She did not disintegrate. Instead, she spoke, softly.

“He did his N.E.W.Ts. Over summer, I suppose. He’s finished school. Walburga wanted him out, I think. Far away from any influence that isn’t her.” She shrugged. “I know she heard about it. Whether she read it in the Prophet herself or from someone else. If she knows, Reggie does too.”

“You think he thinks like your mother?”

She shrugged again. “I don’t know what to think. I wouldn’t think that of him but I wonder if I even know him at all.”

There was little to say after that. Remus didn’t know Regulus at all so what Sirius couldn’t decipher, Remus had even less of a chance to understand. So he didn’t say anything. Instead he got up, pressed a kiss to her hair and put away the empty cup of tea, got the package of potions and set it nicely in the kitchen for Fleamont. Did the dishes. Cleaned the kitchen. Left Sirius alone. 

Effie and Monty weren’t home, Peter and James likely to be playing Quidditch on the pitch somewhere behind the cottage, far enough to not be visible from the windows. The house was empty, save for the two of them, so when there was a knock on the door and Remus had just gone to take a shower, Sirius was the only person left to open the door. 

She contemplated ignoring it, but then it knocked again and it would likely knock a third time, some people were persistent like that, so with a groan she lifted herself from the kitchen chair and walked towards the door. 

“‘M coming!” She yelled, a hint of annoyance but it was gone the moment she opened the door and was met with Regulus’ face for the second time that day. She felt a sense of déjà vu as she looked into his face again. Blank. 

But this time his face changed, emotions suddenly visible though Sirius could not figure out what it all meant. His forehead was wrinkled in a frown, the corners of his mouth were downturned and his eyes were soft, oh so soft. 

“Reg—”

“I’m sorry,” he interrupted. “I’m so sorry. For what she said. She had no right to do that to you. I’m sorry for my silence, I should’ve said something, but I couldn’t, you don’t understand—”

“Hey, Reg, it’s fine,” Sirius said quickly, not sure if it really was but Regulus was speaking fast and without much sense, so it had to be fine. “Why don’t you just come in, yeah?”

Regulus nodded. He stepped in and shrugged his own coat off, much in the same manner as Sirius earlier, but he seemed out of place with his Black mannerisms, straight posture and dark, expensive robes in the warm colours of the cottage and the realm of Sirius’ new life. 

She walked back into the kitchen, setting the kettle on the still warm stove. Regulus entered after her. His gaze roamed across the room, along the walls, the kitchen stools, the little bag that was in Sirius’ hands a mere hour ago. He sat down. 

“How’d you know you’d find me here?”

“Where else would you be?”

Touché.

“How’d you get away from our dear mother then?” Sirius asked instead while she got two cups out of the cupboard and set them on the table. She turned back around, looking for milk, sugar, spoons, anything to busy herself with. She couldn’t sit down.

“She doesn’t treat me the way she did you.” Quieter, he added: “She never has.”

“So what, you just disapparated?”

Reg shrugged. “Pretty much. Told her I was meeting a friend. If she suspected I’m visiting you, she didn’t say a thing. Can’t really afford to lose me, can she?”

Sirius laughed, but it was humourless. It was quiet for a long few minutes, until the water was boiling and Sirius poured both their cups to the rim. Neither of them drank their tea with milk. Sirius didn’t know why she bothered with it.

“I really am sorry, you know,” Regulus said then, after a while of silence in which Sirius had started to wonder where this was going, what they were even doing.

“What for?” The question was petty, but maybe she was petty or maybe she was desperate to hear him talk, wanted to hear him apologise, to know that he regretted her like she did him.

“A lot. There’s a lot that I wish I’d done differently, a lot that I regret and only now realise were mistakes.” His finger traced the rim of his cup. Sirius counted every time he fulfilled a circle. One, two, three, four— “I shouldn’t have ignored you after that summer. I should’ve worked to not lose you. Merlin knows I should’ve started doing that way earlier.”

“You finished school this summer?”

Regulus nodded. 

“You knew I was here. Why didn’t you come earlier? Like, I don’t know. When you read the articles.” Regulus opened his mouth, but Sirius cut him off. “And do not lie to me. I know you read them. Everyone has.”

“I wasn’t going to deny it. I—” Regulus swallowed. Continued tracing the circle of white porcelain. Fifteen, sixteen— “It’s stupid. I saw the photos and you— you looked so different and I didn’t even recognise you anymore. I realised I knew nothing about you anymore, about who you are and suddenly you had this new life and I didn’t think you’d even want me in it—”

Sirius finally took his cup and threw it, hard , against the wall. It shattered. “That’s bullshit and you know it!” She felt anger in her chest as hot as liquid glass and deep down she knew it wasn’t anger but something entirely else and the anger was nothing but a cover, a blanket of safety to wrap around herself, a defence mechanism she was yet to get rid of. “I’ve done everything to try and contact you somehow. I never spoke to you directly in school because I knew  you could get in trouble and I was so fucking terrified for you. But I sent you letters and notes and I tried . I tried too fucking much for you to sit here and tell me you thought I didn’t want you in my life.”

Regulus' eyes were trained on the shards of porcelain on the floor. He didn’t try to repair them with magic, simply stared in silence as though that could fix it, could fix anything. Be silent . They were always silent at Grimmauld Place too. Don’t draw attention to yourself because there was a monster under the stairs, behind every door in the long, dark corridors, lurking in the shadows under your bed. Don’t make any sounds because you could wake it up and even though there were no fangs there was a mouth that spoke words much sharper than teeth sinking into your skin. There were no claws but there were hands that lay heavy on your cheek and that held a wand with its tip pointed at you. 

Regulus was always silent, he was silent when walking up the stairs, when sneaking down the corridor, when sitting at the very same table as the beast in the beauty’s clothing. He was good at being silent while Sirius was loud, even when the cause were screams of her own echoing through the walls. Regulus was silent and he stared, like it would fix anything but it never had and it won’t fix anything now and Sirius craved for him to scream at her, for him to break things, repair the cup and shatter it again. She needed a reaction . 

“I was angry at you for a long time,” Regulus finally said. “Angry at you for leaving. Angry at you for getting out, because I couldn’t have. I couldn’t have gotten out if I tried and even if I could’ve, I would have stayed anyway, because if I had left I knew I’d risk endangering you. They need an heir no matter what. So I was angry at you and I was angry at myself for being angry at you, because there I was trying to protect you and resenting you for it after you had protected me your whole life.” Regulus shook his head. “I thought you were so selfish and it took me getting older to understand you had all the right to be selfish, to save yourself, because I knew, and I know now, especially, you wouldn’t have survived .” He looked up, finally making eye contact and his eyes were so sincere, so full of emotion it was almost painful. “I’m not angry at you anymore. Merlin, if I’m being honest with myself, I never really was. I just missed you.” He shrugged. “After ignoring you for so long, I was sure there was no way you’d forgive me and so I never came to you first, not even after the articles. I only realised my mistake today and for that I am sorry, above all.”

With that, the anger dissipated like it was never there. Probably because it wasn’t. Because it wasn’t anger but something else. I was never really angry at you. I just missed you.

“I missed you, too,” Sirius whispered. “And I’m sorry. For a lot as well.”

Regulus shrugged. “You’re forgiven.”

“Yeah, okay, you are too.”

Which wasn’t even a question, because Sirius knew she would forgive him for it all in a heartbeat, because he was her little brother when it came down to it and she’d take the punishments again and again and again if it meant she would keep him safe. She knew she’d forgive him the moment she laid eyes on him today, felt all of her anger and resentment and yearning crumble immediately, because above all, she didn’t want to fight and she didn’t want apologies. She just wanted him. 

“I’m sorry for leaving you.”

“Sirius—”

“No, let me say it. The guilt for it has been eating me alive for too long. Let me say it,” she begged. “ Please. ”

Hesitantly, Regulus relented and nodded.

“I should’ve taken you with me and I feel guilty that I didn’t to this day. Maybe I shouldn’t. I’m not your mother and it was never my job to take care of you but—someone had to do it, right?” Sirius sighed. “And I took all the punishments for you and I resented you for it too, but I love you and I’d do it again. And then I left and I was terrified because there was no one there to protect you anymore and I thought you hated me, because you wouldn’t speak to me and I didn’t know what to do .” She took a deep breath. “So, I’m not sorry for leaving the house, but I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry you dealt with it alone.”

Regulus was silent for a moment, let the words sit in the air and then he just shrugged. “Okay. I forgive you.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Silence. 

“So, you’re a girl now?”

Sirius let out a surprised laugh. “ God , I need a cigarette.”

Ten minutes later found them out on the patio, each of them wearing their coats and Sirius inhaling smoke deeply into her lungs. The past hour had been a ride.

“How did you even do—well, that ,” Regulus asked, gesturing into Sirius’ vague direction.

Sirius took a drag. “Can’t tell you. It’s illegal. Gotta prove to me you’re trustworthy before I tell you.”

“ Illegal?”

“Mhm,” Sirius mused. “But…” she trailed off. “You still into potions?” She asked, remembering the time after Regulus’ first year at Hogwarts, when they were still rather close and the way his eyes lit up when he spoke about his passion for potions class specifically.

“You could say that,” Regulus replied. “Why?”

Sirius grinned. “Be right back.”

She stubbed out the cigarette and ran back inside, snatching the vial of her potion and stepping back outside. She pressed it into Regulus’ hands. 

“ Don’t spill it. I will genuinely kill you,” she threatened, before she let go of the vial entirely.

“Who do you take me for,” Regulus quietly murmured, already entirely immersed in the potion, inspecting it from every angle. He opened it too, took a whiff. Closed it again and carefully placed it on the table between them. “What is it? I’ve never seen anything like it before.”

Sirius leaned back in her chair, lighting another cigarette. “That, my dear brother, you must find out for yourself.”

“You’re cruel. Just tell me.”

Sirius cracked her eyes open, turning her head towards him. She narrowed her eyes. “Fine. It’s polyjuice. Something like it, at least.”

“That’s not enough.”

“It will have to be.”

Regulus groaned. Sirius laughed. It was nice. The sky had cleared a little and the sun peeked through the clouds now, the snow reflecting the light, everything was very bright. Little clouds formed when they exhaled. It was quiet as the day crept slowly towards its end and the sky was tinted orange.

“You and Lupin still dating?”

“Yeah. Think you two might like each other until you get in a staring contest and he wins. You’d be pissed.”

“He would not win.”

“Oh, he so would.”

It was quiet again, but it was a different silence and when Sirius turned her head towards Regulus, she found him already looking back, a small smile playing at his lips.

“What?”

“I think I already like him. He makes you happy.”

Sirius blushed.and turned away. “Shut up.” She finished her cigarette. Her fingers were getting cold. “Anyone you’ve got your eye on?”

Regulus' face was smug. “Maybe.”

Sirius gasped. “No! Tell me everything.”

“Let’s just say you’re not the only queer in the family.”

 Sirius’ jaw dropped . “You’re fucking with me.”

Regulus shrugged. “Tell me more about that Polyjuice potion and I’ll tell you more.”

“You’re the devil.”

But, of course, she couldn’t resist.

And so they sat there as the sun crept closer to that line in the distance where the world ended and the sky turned red and purple and blue, Sirius felt peaceful. For the first time she realised, her brother may not be the ocean, may not be water and was not made to distinguish her flames. He was not the air that fueled her flames either, like Remus. No, he was the earth and they were an exchange, a fuel for each other. She ruined him and made him better for it and he gave her the space to roam free, to be free, to be alive and it fit with what he said, that he’d stayed for her, to protect her so that she could go and live while he knew the time would come that they reunite and for all that she had ruined him, burned him down to ash, he had found that to be an opportunity for a new beginning, rather than the end.

It was December 11th and Sirius and Regulus were starting to live again. Together this time.