Chapter Text
The galling sound of the flatline did not help Xie Lian one bit with processing the reality of Hua Cheng’s passing.
This was his fifth day at the hospital but truly, it felt like weeks and months that he’s been holding his lover’s cold hand and rubbing circles on his knuckles. He hasn’t had a wink of good sleep except for the times he passes out with his head on Hua Cheng’s chest to the sound of his heart.
Xie Lian wished so badly he was the one laying in that bed and bearing the pain, he would take it tenfold and keep on taking it until he had to. But there was no pain he could take anymore, the sound of Hua Cheng’s heartbeat faded under his ear – he could no longer feel him trying to fight, couldn’t feel the small twitches of his fingers as if trying to hold him and comfort him.
Hua Cheng often told him things would always turn out okay for them.
Hua Cheng often told him that even if the world ends, he will find him in the next one.
Xie Lian said nothing.
“Gege, help me with this, will you?”
is not exactly what Xie Lian expected to hear, stopped in his tracks in the middle of their previously shared apartment.
He only sat and stared.
Hua Cheng lightly kicked the door shut, hands full of grocery bags, a sweet smile on his beautiful face. His alive, moving face.
“Are you not feeling well? I can put these away myself, sit down and rest. I’ll come to you in a second.” With that, he left for the kitchen, leaving Xie Lian stunned in their living room. Xie Lian’s head felt woozy, dozens of uncoherent thoughts racing through his brain and sending a shudder down his spine. Could he be dreaming? Though it was a possibility, it felt too real, he had just come back from work and was getting ready to relax for the rest of the evening after his prayers.
Xie Lian could hear sounds coming from the kitchen, of Hua Cheng? putting away whatever he brought into their home. He didn’t think, instinctively reaching for his phone resting on the table, hands sticky and fingers trembling while searching for the group chat he had with Feng Xin and Mu Qing, his best friends. He couldn’t think of what to say, no, and he could hear footsteps approaching the living room while he wasted time so he quickly sent a “He’s here why is he here why is”.
Xie Lian managed to put his phone behind his back upon Hua Cheng entering the living room, which left the man with a questionable look on his face. “What do you have there?” That smile again. All Xie Lian could manage was a few stutters before Hua Cheng reached around his waist and carefully took the phone from his hands to take a look.
“Should I not be here?” He asked after taking a look, a bored expression on his face before he broke out into forced laughter. “I didn’t know we were playing hide-and-seek. We used to play that as kids, remember? I was always better at it though, so I’ll give you some more time to hide, would you like that?”
Xie Lian felt a bubbling worry in his gut. Something was terribly wrong, and he was rendered speechless. He didn’t feel like playing games. Hua Cheng was in front of him. Hua Cheng was dead. Hua Cheng was alive.
“I’ll turn around and give you sixty more seconds. How’s that?” Hua Cheng slowly turned to face the wall, hands behind his back and his good eye closed. “One, two, three... Hide, Gege. I can still feel you behind me.”
Xie Lian felt his legs move on their own, scrambling around the dimly lit rooms in their apartment.
If this is a dream, please let me wake up. Hua Cheng, please, wake me up. This is cruel, so cruel.
He ended up in their shared bedroom, heart threatening to pump out of his chest and leave a bloody mess on the floor. He might as well have gotten it ripped out already, this is a wicked joke to be playing on somebody mourning their lover after he had to watch his lifeless body for hours and hours and hours.
He simply went down on his knees and hesitantly crawled under the bed, that same baffled expression never leaving his pale face.
Sixty seconds were up long ago, he thought. He didn’t hear, or see anything – he could only hear the sound of his own ragged breathing and his heartbeat ringing unbearably in his ears, he felt uneasy and sick to his stomach, swallowing down every urge to retch.
He curled his fists, seeing a tiny ray of light enter the room and reflect in front of him. The door had opened, why couldn’t he see or hear him entering? He had a perfect view of the ground underneath here, the floorboards were old enough and creaky. Had he just pushed the door open to fool him? No. That isn’t important. Why is he entertaining this? Who is this?
“Hua Cheng?” Xie Lian finally managed out in a whisper, and before he could take another look at his surroundings he felt a grip on his ankle, roughly yanking him out from under the bed which ripped a helpless shriek from him.
He instinctively squirmed in whatever had pulled him out, finding himself unable to do much more than just lay face-down and try to claw his way back under the bed. But why is he trying to get away? This is Hua Cheng, isn’t it? What makes him feel so scared and uneasy?
“There, there… Take it easy, you’re safer with me than under that bed, you know?”
Xie Lian felt borderline delirious, the breaths he took seemingly insufficient for his lungs, the gentle hold on his throat that lifted his head and forced him to look into their full-body bedroom mirror not helping to calm his nerves. He felt at the mercy of something completely foreign yet the hold he had on him was so familiar.
Xie Lian gathered the courage to look up at the thing kneeling above him. He had the most loving, loving smile gracing his lips. His fingers gently brushed over his jawline, holding him like a porcelain doll, his greatest treasure. His gaze was so empty.
“I thought you’d gone mute, Lian Lian. Say my name like that more often, please.”