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Around a hundred years ago, single marks started to appear on some people’s skin. Over time people noticed a pattern, and a tale of the universe confirming a meeting of one’s soulmate through the matching mark spread fastly.
Even though there was much research trying to explain this phenomenon, there was barely any scientific confirmation at all. No one knew how the patterns appeared on the skin. They had similar qualities to a tattoo ink, but not quite the same. There was also no set point of time when it would appear - sometimes it did after the first conversation with a current loved one, sometimes years after, during a significant moment to the pair.
No one was able to confirm the concept of soulmates either - soul wasn’t something that was physically manifested, and there’s no way to check if the souls are compatible, or the same, or exact opposites. Character traits, view of the world, relationship compatibility - they could be considered a reflection of the soul, but nothing seemed to work in a way that would end up with an equation, a law, a fact.
But people didn’t need facts to believe in something.
The most popular belief surrounding the so-called soulmate thing, was the one where two souls fitted each other like lock and key, providing into the relationship everything the other was lacking. The idea of a perfect match, that made the two souls feel completed, was one adored by many. Kids always wished to get this sign from the universe, even if the marks in and of itself were quite rare.
Dazai preferred the slightly less popular concept.
If (and only if) the strange ink really was a sign of encountering one’s soulmate, then Dazai thought the idea of being two halves of the same soul was much more enticing.
The idea that there could be someone out there who wouldn’t merely fit you, no, that there was someone who was a part of the same? That there was someone to make you feel whole, who, even if different in character, could understand your very soul. To Dazai, who felt alienated from others for the majority of his life, the idea of a bond as deep as that was even more interesting.
He couldn’t imagine a person that would be his perfect match, but recently he didn’t have as much of a problem when it came to imagining a person he could share a deep mutual understanding with. After all, Odasaku seemed to be someone who both accepted and knew Dazai, sometimes to his very core.
There were a few seconds throughout his life when he wished he had a soulmate. Maybe then the emptiness within him would disappear, maybe he’d finally start to feel like a human, maybe, maybe… But he knows that good things never last in his life, and everything he gains is eventually lost.
Throughout this year, after the incident with Mimic, Dazai started to envision a certain face whenever the topic of soulmates came up. It was a shy wish, lurking in the dark corner of his mind whenever they drank and talked ‘till dawn in Lupin, whenever Dazai dropped by Oda’s place to hang out and keep his dark thoughts at bay, whenever they walked from place to place and their hands brushed.
“Dazai?” Odasaku waves his hand in front of him to bring him back, one of his fingers brushing Dazai’s hair.
Once again he catches a glimpse of the tattoo on Oda’s forearm. It’s rather pretty, simple lines meant to picture waves, with wind rushing in the opposite direction.
It makes Dazai sick.
Only after Oda shows him the soulmate mark during their meeting in Lupin bar, Dazai realises that he had actually hoped. He hoped that one day a matching mark would appear on both of them. He hoped that the feeling he got when he was with Odasaku was something real, something so important it got noticed by the universe.
Now, it seemed like that wasn’t the case.
“Oh, sorry! Got lost in thought for a moment, sorry for that, hehe.” Dazai replies, all sparkling and loud. “Well, do you already know who the lucky girl is?”
For a second disappointment flashes on Odasaku’s face, but he quickly clears his throat and lowers the sleeve of his shirt. Dazai tells himself he over analyses it, because it’s impossible for Oda to be disappointed with the answer.
What Dazai fails to see, and Oda fails to say out loud, is that the man was almost sure Dazai would have a matching mark by now.
“Oh… no. I honestly have no idea who it can be.” Oda replies calmly, despite the “if it isn’t you” choking him up.
“What? That’s unacceptable!” Dazai says and downs the rest of his whiskey in one go. “We have to look for her!”
Despite the sour aftertaste that doesn’t leave Dazai’s lips even after the bitter whiskey fills his mouth, he doesn’t want to drag Odasaku down with him.
He knows he’s no good. He knows he’s difficult to handle and can be only too much or too little, and if Odasaku is fortunate enough to get a soulmate, it should be someone heaven-sent. Not someone called a demon prodigy.
“To be honest, I don’t know where we should start to look. I don’t know the exact time it appeared either.” Odasaku shrugs and waves for the bartender. “I’m not interested in running around like a headless chicken anyway. I’d rather stay here and talk, if you don’t mind.”
Dazai blinks slowly, as the information slowly settles down in his brain.
“Of course I won’t mind. I find it fun to spend time here with you.” Dazai says, trying to calm down. “So, what interesting thing happened to you today? Maybe some fun job?” he asks, as the bartender already sets new drinks before them.
“Oh, well, there was that old lady that turned out to be quite skilled in shooting…” Odasaku starts the story and Dazai leans his head on his hand with a contented smile. Despite the older one always insisting that his work is nothing interesting, especially compared to the work of a mafia executive, Dazai always loves to listen to him and his stories.
He supposes that Odasaku will find his soulmate sooner or later, but until then, he can stay like that with him. For a little while longer, they can stay together.
They talk about everything and nothing as usual, switching between bizarre topics only the two of them get and normal everyday stories. They stay there, focused only on each other, right until the bar closes for the night. They end up slowly walking towards the docks, Oda insisting on walking him to his place even if Dazai’s in no danger on their turf. He can’t help but already mourn the lost chance, maybe even a lost relationship. He isn’t sure he’ll be able to live through watching Odasaku fall in love with someone else. He isn’t sure he’ll be able to leave Odasaku.
Love feels like a foreign concept to him, and he isn’t entirely sure what he feels towards Odasaku.
But he knows that he feels like he’s in the right place and time whenever he and Odasaku meet. Their conversations make him feel normal and accepted and listened to. Being near his friend makes his worries seem a little bit further away from him, as if he’s really a balm for his soul, as he once described Odasaku to Mori.
And when they’re walking through the empty streets in the middle of the night, shoulder to shoulder, hands occasionally brushing against each other, he can’t deny that he wants to be close to him, in any way Odasaku will allow him. He just wants to keep his place next to him, whether it’s a street, bar Lupin, a home, a bed. He wants Oda to be safe and happy, wants to hold his hand, wants to still have their little routines. For the first time in his life, he truly wants.
He doesn’t know if it’s love, but to him it feels like it.
Before Dazai’s slightly drunken mind starts contemplating whether he wants to kiss Odasaku (he does), Oda decides to speak up.
“I’m sorry if the mark made you upset. If I knew, I would wait some more time before telling you.” he says cautiously as they walk slowly through the empty street to the other side.
“Don’t be sorry. It’s not-” he almost says “It’s not your fault” but it feels wrong even to think so. “You shouldn’t feel bad. I’m sorry, it should be a happy moment for you, and I didn't respond in the right way.” Dazai replies almost automatically.
“I don’t think you should respond in ‘the right way’. I think it’s important to be honest with friends, and honesty isn’t ‘good’ or ‘bad’. ” Oda says, looking at Dazai. “Besides, a mark that no one knows the true meaning of doesn’t hold as much of a meaning to me. Not compared to real people.” Dazai can’t help but smile, because that’s such an Odasaku thing to say. “Still, I’m sorry you felt that way.”
“Are we just going to keep apologising to each other?” Dazai snorts, bumping playfully into Odasaku’s arm to ease the atmosphere. Oda laughs shortly and Dazai can feel his fingertips tickling from emotions he can’t name. There aren’t many instances when he can hear Oda’s genuine laugh, but he has every moment tucked in his heart.
“Right, it doesn’t make much sense.” Oda agrees.
A comfortable silence surrounds them, but way too soon Dazai ends up going back to overthinking.
Sure, Oda may have said that he doesn’t give the mark much importance, but it is something big. There are not many people getting them, and everyone that does always has that indescribable something. Something that makes you sure they were made for each other.
It won’t matter what Oda thinks about soulmates once he finally meets his. It’s decided by the universe, and he’ll probably fall in love with them either way.
Any possible affection he feels towards Dazai will fade over time, Dazai tells himself as Oda’s hand lingers touching his a little too long to consider it an accidental brush. His heart skips a beat when Oda’s pinky catches onto his and tugs him to the railing in the docks.
There are waves crashing with the concrete blocks below them, and wind rushing around them in desperate chaotic gusts.
“Can you promise me one thing?” Dazai asks, looking down at their joined hands.
“What is it?” Oda asks, wrapping his hand around Dazai’s. The touch comforts him, the warmth keeps him grounded and he wishes this moment would last a little longer.
“Promise that we’ll still be friends even after you find your soulmate?” he asks hesitantly, and his heart skips a beat when Odasaku squeezes his hand in reassurance.
“Soulmate or not, I value our friendship the most. I honestly don’t think there’s another person that I would feel such connection with.” Oda confesses, his heart racing in his chest when the heavy weight of his words sinks in.
“Same goes for me” Dazai laughs shortly, before he goes completely serious. “For a while now, I’ve felt that even though there’s no confirmation, our souls might be one and the same. I know you’ve already got your soulmate, but I just can’t help but feel- bitter.” he admits, letting go of Odasaku’s hand. The man still holds onto him. “I’m the worst, aren’t I? I’ve hoped that it would turn out we’re soulmates, and then when you got your mark and I didn’t I tried to tell myself that it doesn’t matter, because we don’t need a confirmation from the universe that our souls are the same-” something in Dazai breaks and once he starts talking, he can’t stop.
“Dazai-” he pulls his hand away from Odasaku, and as Oda tries to take his hand again, he accidentally tugs at the bandage around Dazai’s wrist, which undoes itself little by little.
“But now I feel like I’m holding you back! You barely survived through the conflict with Mimic, you deserve to find someone perfect for you, especially when the goddamned universe showed you there’s someone like that. Not me.” Dazai’s throwing his hands around from frustration and pent-up emotion. It feels like the world is crashing down on him. It feels like a heart break. “I foolishly hoped that despite all that I am and all that I am not, it would be me but it’s not. It’s my problem to deal with, not yours. You should just leave me alone and finally be happy.” he finally confesses to it all, and he expects Odasaku will finally realise that Dazai only leeches off him.
That’s not what happens.
“Osamu.” Odasaku says, and there’s so much affection held in this one word that Dazai’s throat squeezes shut. “I should’ve said this earlier. I don’t care about all this soulmate thing. Not if it’s not you.”
“But-” Dazai tries to argue. The wind hits his face, shutting him up and unrolling the bandage further.
“To be honest, I was sure it was you when I saw the mark. It appeared when you spent the whole day in my house. It felt so peaceful and right, as if for a single moment everything clicked into place. I realised I wished to spend more time with you. At first I didn’t want to confess to you, afraid I’d destroy what we already have. But the mark made me think of you, and so I decided to try. To me, this mark is about you.” Oda says, trying hard to convey his feelings without pressuring Dazai into anything.
“But I’m not worth it.” Dazai tries again, even if Oda’s words warm him up from the inside.
“You don’t have to be worthy of someone’s affection to receive it. You don’t have to earn it. You just- just have to be.” Oda answers and his words of reassurance are exactly what Dazai needed, even if he never spoke up about it.
Maybe that was what made him fall in love with Oda. Both him and Odasaku don’t have to try to fit in when they are together. They can just be themselves, with no pressure, no anticipation and no judgement.
Maybe Dazai doesn’t have to try.
Maybe, just this once, he’ll allow himself to just be.
“Okay.” Dazai sighs, shoulders easing and slumping down. “Okay.” he says as he tugs down the bandages wrapped around his head to look at Odasaku with both eyes. “Here I am, then.”
Oda takes it all in. His dearest, his closest friend. The things he saw, things he had done and things that were done to him, all weighing him down. And despite all that, the bottomless pools of darkness where his eyes are, are not making Oda feel unease. Unlike everyone else, he sees Dazai for who he truly is. And now, he also sees fear mingled with affection.
He’s not sure for how long he had felt this way, but now he knows that he loves Osamu. He loves him the way he truly is, and he’ll love him despite him changing or not. As long as it’s him.
He slowly comes closer. He tugs a strand of hair behind Dazai’s ear carefully and reaches out to hold his other hand, moving his thumb over Osamu’s knuckles.
“Can I say it?” Oda asks, looking into Dazai's eyes again.
Dazai gulps but doesn’t avert his eyes. “Yes.”
“I love you.” he says and Dazai closes his eyes.
“Say it again?” Dazai asks and Oda can’t help but kiss at least his nose.
“I love you.” there’s another peck, now landing on Dazai’s cheek and his lip quivers.
“Again?”
“I love you, Dazai.” Oda repeats himself dutifully.
Dazai finally opens his eyes, moving slightly forward. He feels seen. Finally, he realises he’s seen by Odasaku and there’s nothing he has to do to earn his companionship. They can just be.
Mark or not, their souls are one and the same. Dazai can feel it in every cell in his body as he looks into Oda’s eyes.
“I love you too, Odasaku. I really feel that I do.” Dazai says, his voice breathy as he finally closes the gap between their lips.
Waves crash below them, the wind howls over them and a matching mark appears on Dazai’s unbandaged forearm.