Archive of Our Own

1.

Craig pulls the cold, shaky hand he’s holding into his lap, sandwiching it with his other one and warming it up with gentle rubs. Tweek, used to this treatment, is still focused on the pond, scanning every inch carefully and holding his phone with his other hand so he can be ready to take a picture at a moment’s notice. 

He insists on doing this every time they go camping: Searching for frogs along every riverbank, pond, in the trees close to the water sources— anywhere and everywhere they may be lurking around. Tweek’s special interest in them was sparked by an unexpected sighting back in middle school, and by now, it could only be classified as a full-blown, mind-consuming, head-over-heels obsession.

He takes pictures of the frogs he finds, records the interaction and anything unique he liked about it in his frog journal, and when he gets home, he prints the photo out and pastes it in. He also looks through his plethora of frog guides to figure out the specific type of frog it was (if he was unable to identify it on sight), and the rarer finds get a sticky-note tab. He also has a spreadsheet just to track the variety of his finds more extensively, and when a journal is completely filled, its data gets turned into bar graphs and charts. 

Today hasn’t been a great frog-hunting day, though. Tweek had high hopes because they were camping further out than they ever had before, so he thought there would be some new types to catalog. But they’ve been walking around for nearly two hours now and haven’t seen a single frog. Craig would gladly walk for twelve more if it made Tweek happy, but he’s worried if they stay out any longer, their dads waiting for them back at the tents are going to start thinking “frog-searching” is a gay euphemism. 

Also, it’s getting kind of chilly. Another gust of wind picks up, and Craig eyes the gaps in Tweek’s misbuttoned shirt warily. He itches to fix them before Tweek gets a cold, but if either of their dads notice the change, then they’ll definitely be suspicious, and he doesn’t want to deal with them “checking in” on his and Tweek’s tent through the night to make sure they’re not doing anything. 

Tweek shivers again and Craig drops his hand so he can unzip his jacket and drape it around Tweek’s shoulders. He flashes Craig a grateful smile, but makes no move to let go of his phone and take his attention off the pond so he can put his arms through and zip it up. Which pretty much defeats the purpose of it keeping him warm if the gaps in his front are still exposed to the cold. Craig sighs, picking up Tweek’s free hand again. 

“Honey, maybe we should start heading back. I think the frogs are all hiding today.”

Tweek chews his lip. “It just rained yesterday, though.” 

Craig has no idea what that means. “Well, maybe there just aren’t any frogs out here.”

“Maybe… But I have a good feeling about this spot. Five more minutes?” Tweek breaks his focus on the pond to look at Craig. “Please?”

Wide, hopeful blue eyes under long, pale lashes, a little bit of his lip still tugged between his teeth, apples of his cheeks slightly pink from the cold— No one can ever find out how easy it is for Craig to say yes to that, or else they could use Tweek to get him to do all sorts of crazy shit.

Craig nods, and Tweek goes back to studying the pond while Craig goes back to warming his hand. A minute or so goes by, and then Tweek gasps and his hand tightens around Craig’s. By now, Craig knows better than to say anything, so he just follows Tweek’s gaze.

At first, it’s too well-camouflaged, but then it moves a little and Craig makes out the outline of a large, grass-green frog with brown patterning sitting on the edge of the pond. It hops onto a rock in the pool, and Tweek quickly snaps as many pictures as he can. It stares at them with impassive, blank, creepy brown eyes, ribbits once, and then hops back to shore, blending away in a flash.

Well, that was annoyingly uneventful. 

Craig is used to their behavior by now, but he still doesn’t understand why Tweek puts so much effort into looking for these things when they just give him the same boring attitude every time and hop away. Frogs are jerks.

Tweek scribbles for a moment in his journal, and the moment he’s done, Craig pulls him to stand, motioning for his arms to go through the jacket sleeves and zipping it up.

Finally , he thinks, relieved when Tweek stops shivering. He bends down to pick up the journal with Tweek’s phone and pen tucked safely inside, and they hold hands again as they walk back to their campsite. 

“Sorry that’s all you got today.”

“Are you kidding?! I knew that pond was a good spot!”

“You’re not disappointed?”

“No! I think it was a, agh , Northern leopard frog? And I’ve only got, like, two of those in my journals. I’ll have to check at home. But I just can’t believe how friendly it was!”

“Friendly?” Craig wrinkles his nose.

“Yeah! It looked right at me and talked to me!”

“It made one noise and then ran away from you.”

“Frogs don’t ‘run away,’ and did you see how fast it camouflaged into the grass? It was probably somewhere in there the whole time we were waiting around!”

“So?”

“ So , it easily could’ve kept hiding, but it wanted to come out and say hi before we left!”

Craig shakes his head in disbelief, thinking about his guinea pigs squeaking for him and sticking their noses through the cage to be pet. That’s a much friendlier greeting.

But Tweek is practically glowing as he continues to recount the experience all the way back, pointing out little details and mannerisms he liked, so Craig doesn’t argue. Even if he still doesn’t get what’s so special about frogs, he’s glad they make Tweek so happy.

They’re just in time for dinner when they get back, and Craig’s stomach growls loud enough for everyone to hear. Tweek’s dad laughs and sets down a freshly-grilled hot dog in front of him. 

“I bet you’re hungry after all that frog-searching .” He winks at Craig’s dad as he emphasizes the words, like it’s some kind of inside joke. 

Craig’s hand freezes on the hot dog. Please don’t tell me they actually think-

“No need to be ashamed, son,” his dad says with a clap on his back. “As long as it was safe ‘frog-searching.’” He does actual air quotes, confirming Craig’s suspicion, and Craig scowls as he stuffs the hot dog in his mouth, chewing angrily to avoid yelling at the idiots.

That’s his least favorite animal: South Park adults. 

2.

“ Agh - I can’t decide which corner to put the log in!”

For Tweek’s birthday, Craig and Tweek’s parents had pooled together to get him his very own pet frog, with all the amenities necessary. Tweek has been unstoppable since the moment they unveiled the surprise, chattering a nonstop flurry of excitement and nerves, pulling up fifty tabs on his computer on frog care, chugging his way through three cups of coffee while they set up the terrarium. 

“Uh… I think it was on the left side on the instruction manual,” Craig says while wedging a rock into the tank. 

“My room isn’t the same as the room in that picture! I mean, rrGH , what if he wants the log to be closer to the door, so he has more visual stimulus, or what if he hates people, and he wants his hiding hole to be as far away from them as possible?!” Tweek’s hand flies up to his nape and Craig grabs it before it can start pulling on the hair there.

“Tweek, honey, no one knows more about frogs than you do. I’m sure he’ll like whatever you decide to do.”

“ Hnh - But what if I just know a lot about them, and I’m terrible at taking care of them?! There’s a whole life in my hands now, Craig! I can’t do this-”

“Yes, you can.” Craig grabs Tweek firmly by the shoulders. “You help me take care of my guinea pigs all the time, and they’re perfectly healthy and love you very much.”

“But guinea pigs are different from frogs-”

“I know.” Because guinea pigs are soooo much better. “But you love them both, which means you’ll do an equally great job taking care of both of them.”

“What if-” Tweek sighs, eyeing the frog in its temporary holder anxiously. “What if he doesn’t love me ? Like, what if he doesn’t like where I put things, or my routines, and then it— hng —spirals and he just doesn’t like me at all?”

“Babe, don’t be silly. Of course he’ll love you, how could anyone not?” Tweek flushes, easing up a bit, but Craig can tell he’s still overthinking. “Look, if he doesn’t like anything about his setup, you’ll notice, right? And then you can just change it. I’ve changed so many of the things I do for my guinea pigs over the years; You’re supposed to keep improving when you’re a pet owner. Nothing’s final, okay?”

Tweek finally fully relaxes at that, and goes back to setting things up. When he isn’t looking, Craig stares down the frog, slicing his finger across his throat threateningly to communicate that if it makes Tweek think for one second he isn’t loved, it’s dead meat. The frog just blinks back, unimpressed.

When they’re done, Tweek moves the frog in, holding his breath as it explores around. When it clambers up a long branch and sits, he sighs in relief.  

“He likes it!” he informs Craig with a bright grin. “Look how happy he is!”

Craig looks at the frog, just sitting there, underbelly swelling and receding with each slow breath, same bored expression and sticky blinking. That’s happy? He has no idea how Tweek can tell, but he takes his word for it.

“I can’t believe I have my own frog now, right here in my room.” Tweek watches the frog with such intense wonder, awe, and joy, that even just from the side profile, Craig feels his heart skip a beat. Then he turns his face, and Craig’s heart does entire trampoline flips at having those amazed, euphoric eyes directed at him. “Thanks, Craig, this is, like, the best gift ever. I, ah , don’t know how you always convince my parents to do things for me, but thanks for making this happen.”

Craig kisses his forehead, then his nose, then his lips. 

“Happy birthday, honey.”

They stand there for a while, Tweek watching his happy frog, and Craig watching his happy Tweek. 

3.

Tweek loves his new frog so much, it’s all he talks and thinks about. Which is great. It’s great. That’s why Craig got it in the first place, because he knew it would help take his mind off all the other stress of junior year. And an accidental bonus has been that he feels extra connected to Tweek now that they’re both doting pet parents who send each other photos and videos and tell each other funny things their pets did. So, yeah. Great.

Except… Tweek’s fascination with his new pet is so overboard, Craig has been feeling like he has to compete with the frog for attention. Tweek keeps rushing home after school or work to check on his frog instead of staying to hang out with Craig, forgetting plans they made because he got distracted playing with his frog, even replacing his long-time home screen photo of Stripe #6 and #7 sitting on a disgruntled Craig’s head with a photo of the damn frog. 

(Craig didn’t say anything when he noticed the wallpaper change, and he didn’t even like the old photo that much, but, like, what the fuck?)

Today has been another forgotten date, and Craig sighs as he rings the doorbell, adjusting the backpack strap on his shoulder. Tweek opens the door, and Craig isn’t surprised to see the frog on his shoulder. 

“Oh, hey Craig! I thought we were meeting at your place.” Well, at least he didn’t completely forget about our plans this time.

“Yeah, you said you were coming at 6:00.” When Tweek just nods back, Craig rolls his eyes and brings his phone up to show the time. 

“It’s past 7:00 already?! Oh jesus- I’m sorry! I— ack —got caught up with Michael-”

Yep. That’s the cherry on top. When naming his frog was too much pressure, Tweek had asked their friends for suggestions, and Tolkien had jokingly suggested Michael, after Craig’s imaginary affair back in fourth grade. Tweek thought it was the funniest shit ever, and claimed the frog also ‘looks like a Michael,’ whatever that means. So the stupid frog isn’t just stealing Craig’s boyfriend, it’s also a constant reminder of him being humiliated in front of the entire school.

“-let me put him away and then we can go to yours-”

“Nah, I brought my computer so we can just watch the movie here.”

“Oh! Okay.” Tweek steps aside to let him in the house, smiling so sweetly Craig forgets the annoyance of waiting at home for an hour. 

Once they’re in his room, Tweek cups Michael off his shoulder and tries to set him down in his terrarium, but Michael just hops back up his arm. It turns out Tweek was, as Craig had told him, very silly to worry about his frog not liking him, because Michael had warmed up to him within a few days, and became pretty clingy after just one week. 

“No, Michael,” Tweek laughs, gently pulling him off. “Time to go back.”

Yeah, go back already, you greedy bastard.

Michael is finally successfully coaxed into clinging to a branch instead, and Tweek joins Craig on the bed where he’s sitting up against the headboard, computer propped on his knees.

“Sorry, again, for losing track of the time,” Tweek mumbles guiltily, nestling into Craig’s chest. 

“It’s fine. Wasn’t a big deal,” he replies absentmindedly while searching for the movie on Netflix. Tweek is silent for a moment, and then suddenly the comfortable weight on Craig’s chest is gone as he pulls away to look Craig in the eyes.

“I mean, sorry for all the other times, too. I- I know I’ve been kind of, ah , forgetful, lately.” 

He looks so worried, shoulders tense, chewing on his lip, and fiddling with the hem of his sleeves. Craig can tell there are probably horrible thoughts running through that pretty head of his, telling him he’s a bad boyfriend or Craig’s going to break up with him or something dumb like that. 

“Oh, honey, c’mere,” Craig soothes, interlacing their fingers and pulling Tweek in for a kiss. “It’s okay. I’m serious. I’ve just kinda… missed you. Even though we see each other at school and stuff. I like when it’s just us.”

Tweek smiles, leaning back in for another kiss. “I like it, too. I’m sorry I haven’t been prioritizing that… but, um-” He swings a leg over to straddle Craig, toying with the strings of his hoodie and looking up at him with the most dangerous combo of bashful and mischievous. “Maybe I can… make it up to you?” 

Craig’s breath hitches and he nods dumbly, reaching behind Tweek to grab his computer, and before he’s even set it on the desk next to them, Tweek is latching onto his lips with fervor. Craig tangles his hands in blonde hair as he kisses back, insides melting like lava. God, he could make out with Tweek for ages and ages. 

After a few minutes, Craig starts trailing along Tweek’s jaw, working his way up to that sweet spot under his ear. When he suckles on it, Tweek lets out a strangled moan, and Craig smirks triumphantly against his skin. 

He wraps his arms under Tweek’s thighs so he can reposition them and really go to town marking him up, but as they’re turning, Tweek’s eyes flick over Craig’s shoulder and he gasps, hitting Craig’s arm. Craig immediately lets go, flooded with concern as Tweek unwraps his legs.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” He tries to catch Tweek’s eyes to see if he’s okay, but Tweek is still locked on something in the distance. Then he gasps again and darts off the bed so fast it takes Craig a second to process the suddenly empty space in front of him. 

“Holy shit! Michael totally jumped, like four inches high! I thought I was just seeing things the first time but he did it again-”

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me . 

Craig flops on the bed dramatically, throwing an arm over his eyes. 

“Craig! You have to watch, you might miss it the next time!”

“All frogs jump, Tweek, he’s not special.”

“They jump forward , but they don’t jump up very high, especially lazy ones like Michael! C’mon, you have to see it-”

Craig sighs, dragging himself out of the bed to go look at the dumb, stupid, attention-stealing frog. Tweek thrusts his phone in Craig’s hands.

“Here, can you record? I’m gonna get the crickets; I wanna see if he’ll jump high again for a treat.”

He leaves, and now it’s just Craig and Michael, staring at each other. Of course, he looks boring, the same as always, except— Craig squints, cocking his head. Something is just slightly different. Maybe it’s all the time spent looking at frogs with Tweek and hearing how he reads so much into the little details, but he’s noticing a slight quirk in the corner of Michael’s mouth and a boldness in his direct eye contact with Craig that almost makes him look… smug?

Tweek returns, shaking the bag of dried crickets. “Got it!” 

Craig blinks, shaking his head as Michael innocently hops away. You’re just seeing things because you’re salty and butthurt . 

But just in case Michael really was disrespecting him— and because the cockblocking son of a bitch deserved it anyway —Craig flips him off when Tweek isn’t looking.

4.

Day 1 of Pet-sitting

“So… Do you, like, do anything?”

Michael blinks at him, and Craig may not be well-versed in frog expressions, but he knows that one very well, because it’s the same one he gives teachers when they ask him a stupid question.

Craig had promised to take good care of Michael while Tweek and his parents took a weekend trip to some coffee convention, and he thought it would give them some, like, bonding time or whatever. Craig’s guinea pigs love Tweek like a second dad, but Craig and Michael don’t have much of a relationship. They just silently acknowledge each other like estranged relatives at an awkward reunion.

He’d be fine with that, except he’s seen how clingy Michael is with Tweek, so he knows that cute, cuddly, endearing quality most animals have is in there somewhere under all that slimy skin and cold blood. He’s hoping the next few days will be a 2000s-romcom-montage of him unlocking that side of Michael, and maybe then, he’ll finally understand why Tweek loves frogs so much. 

So far, though, it’s been dull. There’s not much to engage with, and normally animals bond to people through food, but apparently, frogs are so boring they don’t even eat often. Tweek fed Michael in the afternoon before leaving, and said he would only need to be fed again on Sunday. Craig is just supposed to wipe down the glass and plants every day and keep Michael company for a bit ‘so he doesn’t get lonely,’ as Tweek feared. 

Yeah, right , Craig thinks as Michael hops to the far corner of the terrarium, turning his back on Craig. He probably doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be lonely.

“Well, I guess that should be a good thing, how easy you are to look after. Maybe that’s what he likes about you.” Craig makes a mental note:

Pros: Frogs are low-maintenance.

Personally, he likes his pets more high-maintenance. He actually enjoys washing his guinea pigs’ veggies every day, and setting aside an hour every Sunday to groom them, and clipping their tiny nails, and marking his calendar for the next bath day and all that. Maybe it’s tedious to other people, but it gives him something to do and makes him feel like he’s really caring for them. 

He wishes he were home with them now, but he’s here with this bastard instead, so he’s determined to make the most of it before he goes back. Craig walks around to the corner Michael is in, pressing his fingers lightly on the glass, trying to get Michael to suction to the other side the way he usually does when Tweek puts his hand against the glass. But Michael just hops away from Craig again, back to the corner he was just standing at. 

This bitch .

Okay, what else? What on earth does Tweek do with Michael to bond with him so much? He could try picking Michael up… He’s avoided it so far by telling Tweek he doesn’t want to risk hurting Michael, but truthfully? He just thinks it’s gross. Years ago when they’d first started frog-hunting, a frog had landed on Craig’s foot for the briefest moment, right on the curve of exposed skin above his sock and below his jeans, and Craig had never gotten over the disgusting, cold, clammy sensation. 

Tweek keeps disposable gloves though, for when he doesn’t want to go through his very thorough pre-frog hand-washing routine, so maybe it won’t be so bad with those on. 

Craig snaps on a pair and gently lifts and moves the lid just enough so he can reach in. He holds his hand still for a while, letting Michael take the reins in getting closer. He lingers around Craig’s hand, then hops in so suddenly, Craig flinches back. He cringes at the sticky suctions he can still feel through the glove, but curls his hand and lifts Michael out victoriously. 

His heart is beating fast because he’s a little worried Michael’s going to suddenly jump at his face or something, but Michael just sits there calmly. After just a few breaths, Craig feels his nerves settle, like Michael’s tranquility is leaking into his hands and through his bones. 

“Okay, this is nice. I can see what Tweek likes about this. You’re very, uh, peaceful. Boring, but peaceful.” He adds to the list:

Pros: Frogs are contagiously calm .

Hesitantly, he uses his other hand to gently pet Michael with one finger, slowly down his back the way he’s seen Tweek do it. Unlike the weird, sticky toes underneath, the top is just smooth, and Craig almost wishes he could feel it without the gloves. 

“Okay, this is nice, too. Nice little froggy-”

Michael suddenly snaps on Craig’s finger, jaw locking tight around it like a vacuum.

“-AH, FUCK ! What the fuck, man?!” Craig shrieks, barely resisting the instinctive urge to shake him off. It’s not like the light, playful nipping of his guinea pigs; It’s like Michael’s trying to strangle his finger and swallow it. Craig reminds himself he can’t fling Tweek’s beloved pet across the room, so he tries to coax his finger out with far more patience and gentleness than Michael deserves. “Dude, let go!” The jerk just suctions even tighter around his finger at that command.

Craig dunks his hands back in the tank, letting Michael go on a branch so he can use his whole hand to get him off, and after a bit more tugging, he finally gets Michael to release his finger. The second he’s free, he yanks his hands out and secures the lid of the tank back on, panting slightly.

“Why the fuck did you do that?! Didn’t Tweek just feed you?!” Craig yells at him through the glass. 

Michael just blinks calmly, like Craig’s the crazy one for overreacting.

“There was literally no reason- It would’ve cost you absolutely nothing to not eat my fucking finger!” 

Again, Michael just blinks.

Craig huffs angrily, nearly ripping the gloves in his haste to discard them. That’s enough frog-bonding for today. He needs to get home ASAP and wash off the memory of slimy frog throat around his finger. He grabs his backpack, flipping Michael off on the way out before slamming the door closed. 

Cons: Frogs are mean, violent, instigating, bitches.

Day 2 of Pet-sitting

Craig sets the travel cage down gently outside Tweek’s door, then swings it open. The second Michael spots him, he hops around to face away from him, as usual. Craig rolls his eyes.

“Listen up, buddy. Today, you’re going to learn how a real pet behaves.”

He brought the guinea pigs over today because he realized he and Tweek never took pictures of their pets together, but mostly because he’s petty as fuck and thought Michael would feel bad about himself if he saw how easy it was for Craig to play with the guinea pigs. Can frogs self-reflect on their naughty behavior? Probably not, but it was worth a shot.

When he lifts #6 out, she nuzzles into his hands, and when he brings her to his chest while walking to the tank, she paws against it, pressing into his warmth. See? Sweet, fluffy, affectionate, endearing— the all-around perfect pet. Craig gives her a quick kiss on the head, then brings her to the glass for Michael to see.

Surprisingly, Michael doesn’t turn his back on Craig again, intrigued by the new creature. #6 sniffs at the glass, nose twitching adorably, and Michael hops closer, suctioning one leg on the other side like he’s trying to touch her. #6 flinches back at first, but when she realizes there’s a safe barrier, she goes back to sniffing.

Huh. Maybe his petty idea could really work and make Michael more affectionate.

Craig sets #6 on the table the tank is on. There’s only enough space along one edge for #6 to walk, and as she moves, Michael hops after her, so it’s almost like they’re walking together.

Oh, Tweek is going to love this. Craig grins, taking a few photos and recording a quick video before going back to the doorway to let #7 join the party. 

#7 is the antsier one, and she practically launches herself up Craig’s torso the second he lifts her out. He manages to get ahold of her before she goes around his neck, and substitutes her for #6 on the table. 

Again, Michael sticks his toes to the glass like he’s trying to touch her, and when #7 sniffs a bit and then presses her cheek against the glass, Michael hops his entire body onto the glass. #7 squeaks in surprise and almost falls off the table in her haste to get away, but Craig picks her up just in time. 

She’s still shaking, so Craig puts #6 back on frog-watching duty so he can calm #7 down. He takes a seat on the bed, cradling #7 to his collarbone and stroking her back with one hand, and with the other, sends the video of #6 and Michael to Tweek. 

Attachment: 1 video

ajkslcik so cute im crYINH

not fairr i wxnna b there

Too bad, it’s your fault for walking out on us

Abandoning your own children

Have you no shame

nxlchrH I DIDNT MEAN TO

thwy toook me againxt my will

i’ll b back tmrw and we can b one big hapy famliy again

Even if Tweek’s joking, those words fill Craig with unquantifiable giddiness, and he flops down on the bed with a dopey grin. He sends the other photos he took, letting #7 crawl around his chest wherever she wants so he can text with both thumbs.

You better.

Here’s some more motivation to hurry your ass up

Attachment: 1 photo

Attachment: 1 photo

Attachment: 1 photo

axjriodjls SO., CUTE. 

wheres 7

She’s with me

Your mean frog scared her.

mixhael is a good boy he wuld nvr

Are you insinuating I would lie???

Your frog is only a good boy when you’re watching

He tried to fucking chomp my finger off yesterday

xLMFAO withh what teeth??

Swallow it, or whatever. Yk what I mean.

Look how terrified #7 is

Craig raises his phone higher to take a selfie of #7 nuzzled into his chest.

Attachment: 1 photo

idkk she loooks prtty damn comfy to me

shes in my spott >:(

tell hre to get off

Jesus christ , 200 miles away and Tweek still manages to send Craig’s heart into a seizure. He would never admit it out loud, or like, purposely instigate it or anything, but he fucking loves when that little biting possessiveness in Tweek comes out. Fucking adorable.

Can’t, she’s my daughter :(

Guess you’ll just have to come back sooner if you want your spot back

ugh i wishh 

gtg, send me more pixs or i will kill u in ur sleep

How can I refuse when you ask so politely?

xx love u xx

Love you <3

Craig drops his phone on the bed with a sigh, already missing Tweek terribly. God, it’s been one day. Do they have attachment issues? Maybe. Probably. He doesn’t really give a fuck if it’s unhealthy, though. He’s sticking to Tweek for good. 

He lets Michael play with the guinea pigs a while longer, bombarding Tweek’s phone with photos and videos as promised. When it’s time to go home, he puts them back in their travel cage so he can remove the terrarium lid and wipe it down. 

Michael just sits in the corner like he did when Craig cleaned up yesterday, but instead of purposely turning his back to Craig, he’s just been focused on the doorway since Craig took the guinea pigs there. 

Despite what he did yesterday, Craig kind of pities the little dude. Maybe he does have the emotional capacity to get lonely.

“I’ll bring them back another time, okay? Maybe when Tweek is home.”

Pros: Frogs like guinea pigs. As they should.

Day 3 of Pet-sitting

Crap. Crap crap crap crap crap. Tweek is going to kill him. 

Craig gets up from checking the floor, frantically searching the tank again, but still no Michael.

He came over to feed Michael just before Tweek got back, figuring he’d be too tired from the long drive to do the whole nutrient-loading, vitamin-dusting routine on the insects before feeding. And now Tweek is, like, ten minutes away and Craig has to tell him he lost his fucking frog. 

He can’t even figure out when Michael escaped. He didn’t really look at the tank when he walked in because he was focused on getting all the right feeding supplies, but when he finished prepping, he had to lift the lid off because it was securely on. So it’s not like he left it open yesterday. But when he stuck the tweezers in, no frog came out to collect the cricket. He held it there for a while, thinking Michael was just being bratty, but still nothing, and when he dropped the cricket on the floor and there was still zero movement inside, he realized something was wrong.

Did Michael somehow jump out in the short time Craig glanced away to pick up the cricket? Tweek said they don’t jump very high, though, so he would’ve had to suction his way up, and Craig definitely didn’t look away long enough for that. 

Craig hears a car pulling into the driveway and doors opening. Shit, Tweek was closer than he thought.

“Shit shit shit , Michael, please just fucking-” Out of ideas and actually panicking now, Craig grabs another cricket with the tweezers, waving it around the room. “Come on , don’t you want a tasty little cricket?”

The front door opens and the Tweaks’ voices filter in downstairs. 

“Ohhh my god, please, I’m begging you Michael, wherever you are, please please please come out. Please be okay- Oh god , please don’t be dead, Tweek would be crushed. I can’t- I can’t be the one to tell him! I can’t be the one who killed his fucking frog-”

Footsteps bound up the stairs, and it’s like a horror movie, getting louder and louder, discordant violins in the background getting faster and faster-

“Craig! I-”

“I don’t know what happened! I just- The lid was on- Then cricket- No frog! I don’t fucking know! When! Or how! But I swear I was doing everything right before, I don’t know how I fucked it all up on the last day-”

“Fucked it all up? Agh , Craig, Michael looks fine.”

Craig trails off, gaping at Tweek as the words set in, and then slowly, very slowly, like an old, creaky carousel, he turns his head to look at the tank. 

Michael does, indeed, look perfectly fucking fine, sitting on the floor near the glass in crystal-fucking-clear view. 

What. The fuck. 

Tweek sets his duffel bag down and goes up to the glass, cooing sweetly at Michael.

“Did you miss me? I missed you so much. I’m sorry I had to go away. Did you have a fun time with Craig? I bet you did-”

“I- He was- I was trying to feed him and he wasn’t there .” Craig goes up to the tank, staring at Michael like he’s a ghost. “Like, I checked everywhere in the tank and I even tried leaving the food inside so he could get it himself, but literally nothing moved. I thought he escaped. I looked everywhere . Do I need glasses? Am I blind?”

“Oh, he was probably just hiding underneath the bark. It’s supposed to be hard to see back there so it’s nice and dark for him to sleep.”

“Then why didn’t he come out for food? I made a ton of noise, there’s no way he slept through that.”

“ Ah- He was probably just playing with you,” Tweek says fondly. “Here, try feeding him now.”

Craig sticks the tweezers in, but Michael just sits there. He moves the cricket closer to Michael’s face, thinking he can’t see or something, and the fucking bitch hops away, disappearing back into the plants. Tweek scrunches his face in concern.

“Huh. That’s weird, he’s usually extra hungry on Sundays because he had to wait three days instead of two- Here, let me try. I hope he’s not sick or something.” 

Craig hands the tweezers over, and of fucking course, once it’s Tweek reaching in, Michael hops back out and snatches the food up. Craig’s jaw drops at the fucking audacity of this pest, but Tweek just laughs and keeps feeding.

“See?! I told you he has it out for me!”

“Aw, he’s just playing, Craig.”

Craig scoffs, crossing his arms. “Well, can’t he play nicely ?”

“He is nice!” 

“Only to you . That doesn’t count.”

Tweek sighs, setting the tweezers down and putting the lid back on. 

“If it makes you feel any better, he doesn’t even let my parents see him. He’s purposely teasing you because he thinks your reactions are funny. He likes you, I can tell.” 

Craig rolls his eyes, but softens when Tweek hugs him, pressing his face into the fabric of Craig’s hoodie. He wraps his arms around Tweek in return, resting his chin on the soft, golden hair he missed so much.

“I missed you,” Tweek mumbles into Craig’s chest. “I’m glad I got my spot back.”

Craig chuckles, kissing the top of Tweek’s head. “I missed you, too. I can’t wait to hear how stupid the convention was-” 

It’s so fast Craig almost misses it, but he swears . He swears on his life that Michael presses his toes against the glass and fucking flips Craig off. 

“He just flipped me off!”

“Huh?” Tweek pulls away, following Craig’s gaze and scoffing. “Michael? Hah - You’re seriously telling me my frog flipped you off?” He turns back to Craig, pulling on his hoodie. “Maybe you really are going blind. We should take you to the eye doctor, or a psychiatrist-”

Michael presses his toes to the glass again, curling the outer two toes, and it really does look like he’s giving Craig the bird.

“There! He just did it again!”

Tweek looks back, but Michael’s leg has already retreated. 

“You’re actually, clinically, insane. I thought you two were getting along with all those photos and videos you sent.”

“Yeah, he liked the guinea pigs, but not me ,” Craig grumbles.

“ Hng- Okay, well, even if that were true, which it’s not, it doesn’t matter, because I like you. Now, will you please stop with your stupid fucking, agh , vendetta against my innocent frog so we can cuddle and I can tell you everything stupid that happened over the weekend?”

“Not innocent,” Craig protests one last time, but obediently lets Tweek lead him to the bed.

Con: Frogs are biased as fuck .

5.

“I swear , it works on everyone. Like, Kyle is such a dog , which is exactly what Stan said he likes.”

Craig doesn’t normally listen to other people’s gossip during study hall, but it’s such an odd sentence that it piques his intrigue, and he’s clearly not getting anything done this period, anyway. He keeps his eyes on the same paragraph he’s been trying to read for the past fifteen minutes, but his ears are pricked toward Bebe’s voice.

“Really? I didn’t know Kyle was a player-”

“No, not dawg . Just a normal dog-”

“Whatcha guys talking about?” Nichole’s voice cuts in, along with the scrape of a chair.

“My pet theory!” Bebe replies excitedly. “I think every good couple matches the animal their partner likes the most! I was just explaining that I asked Stan and Kyle, and Stan didn’t have a specific breed of dog he liked best, but he said he likes the big, smart, obedient ones who follow him around. Which is totally Kyle. And Kyle said he’s always wanted a horse, which is definitely Stan.”

Craig stifles a laugh. It’s hard to imagine their star quarterback as a horse, because all he can think of are the colorful pony toys with anime eyes Tricia used to play with.

“Ooh, that’s interesting, but how is Stan a horse?”

“They’re kinda temperamental and don’t like being tied down, but they’re known for being super loyal.”

Damn. That actually does sound like Stan.

Gasps echo around the table as the girls come to the same realization.

“Well, shit, you might be onto something. What about you and Clyde?”

“I like huskies, I play with my neighbors’ huskies all the time. They’re really friendly and cuddly, but they get, like, super whiny when you don’t pay attention to them and cry really dramatically over little things.” 

Craig doesn’t manage to stop his laugh this time. Yeah, that’s definitely Clyde. He wonders what Clyde would say if he knew his girlfriend thought about him that way. Probably whine and cry, like a husky. 

He gets his phone out to text the group chat so they can have their minds blown by the scarily accurate descriptions, too, and also so Jimmy and Tolkien can have a heads up and choose wisely before their girlfriends start asking them about their favorite animal. 

But then he pauses, considering the fact they would start asking Craig and Tweek to explain theirs. Do they fit the pet theory?

------------------------------------------------

Tweek shuts his book with a sigh, swiveling in Craig’s desk chair to look at Craig, who’s sitting on the bed doing an awful job of pretending to do his homework.

“Okay, what is it?”

“Hm?” 

“ Rrgh- You’ve been acting weird since lunch, and you keep staring at me when you think I’m not looking like you wanna ask me something. So? Out with it.”

“It’s just-” 

There’s something troubled brewing under Craig’s eyes, like he’s scared to hear the answer. Tweek furrows his brows, getting up and joining him on the bed so he can lace their fingers together. Now he’s really concerned. What question could be so hard to ask?

“Do you think I’m a frog?”

Tweek’s eyes twitch in a confused wink. 

“ Hah- What?”

“Do you think I’m a frog?” 

Okay, so he definitely didn’t mishear the first time, but what the fuck does that even mean and why is Craig asking it so seriously and solemnly?

“Uh, I, ah , don’t understand?”

Craig pushes his homework to the side, looking very embarrassed but still just as serious. 

“I was in study hall today, and I overheard some of the girls talking. They were saying- Well, Bebe had this theory, that all good couples match the animals their partners like the most. I listened to them go through a few couples, and it made so much sense each time, it made me wonder if we fit the pet theory. And you obviously like frogs the most, so… Do I look like a frog to you?”

Tweek balks. 

“ That’s what all the weird mood was for?! Dude, you fucking scared me, I thought something was seriously wrong!”

“Just answer the question!”

“ ACK- I don’t know! Do I look like a fucking guinea pig to you?!”

“Well, yeah, I mean-”

“What?!” Craig thinks he looks like a rodent ?

“You twitch and shake like them, and you get all… bite-y when you’re worked up.”

Tweek scoffs. “Oh, real fucking nice, I’m glad you see me as a— hng —twitchy, spaz-case rodent.”

“See? Bite-y.”

Tweek starts to pull away grumpily.

“No, wait, honey- I meant it like a good thing!” Craig tackles him down into a forced cuddle, swinging his leg over Tweek’s so he’s trapped against the world’s heaviest big spoon. “You know I love guinea pigs. They’re cute, and they have soft hair like you, and they’re so interesting to watch because they’re curious and timid at the same time-”

Tweek softens into the cuddle, nestling deeper into Craig. 

“-and I like the way you guys twitch and the way I can feel you relax when I calm you down. I just wanna hold you all the time, and I like you even when you’re biting me and chewing through my clothes.”

“ Hh! I have never chewed through your clothes-”

“My grey NASA shirt begs to differ.”

“I didn’t chew through it! I was just, gah , really stressed and I was grinding my teeth again so I grabbed the nearest thing to hold in my mouth to stop it!”

“Mm-hm. Just admit you’re a guinea pig.”

Tweek huffs indignantly, but he does kind of see the resemblance now that Craig has put in much kinder words. 

“... Okay, maybe. It’s actually kinda, ah , nice that you think I’m like the animals you’re so obsessed with. Makes me feel like you’re obsessed with me, too.”

“I am obsessed with you,” Craig replies easily. Tweek shivers, pressing his back even tighter into Craig. Fuck , warn a dude before you breathe such intense words into his ear. “What about me? You still haven’t told me if I’m a frog.”

“Hm…” Tweek is silent for a few moments, and then he starts giggling, harder and harder, until he’s laughing so hard there are tears in his eyes. Craig feels very conflicted between endearment at Tweek’s amusement and offense at being laughed at.

“What?” 

“Oh my god ,” Tweek pants, wiping at his eyes. “How did I not see it before? Bebe’s a fucking genius , you’re literally a frog.”

“What?! How?!”

“ Ngh- Why are you offended? We just agreed it was a good thing to resemble something the other person is obsessed with.”

“Yeah, but…” Craig pouts petulantly. “I don’t really want you to think of me as a frog. I don’t like them. That’s why I was so moody, I thought it was a lose-lose situation, like, either I’m not a frog and we’re not a perfect couple, or I am a frog and you think I’m boring and annoying.”

“Hey! I don’t think frogs are boring and annoying! You do. Maybe you have self-esteem issues.”

“I do not. I’m very confident in myself-”

“ Hah - Too confident, actually, that’s why I have to humble you sometimes.”

Craig huffs, wrapping tighter around Tweek. 

“It’s just- At least I compared you to something cute and lovable. Frogs are slimy and gross and they don’t do anything.”

“Exactly- Ack , not the slimy and gross part. They’re very smooth and silky, actually- Ah , not the point. You’re kinda lazy like them, and you like to just blend into the background like they do. They like nice and boring lives, like you’re always saying.”

“Okay, that’s fair. But-”

“You’re kinda wrapped around me like a frog, too. This is, like, exactly how Michael hangs on his branch.”

“Don’t compare me to that heathen.”

“Why are you fighting this so much? You know I love frogs, so if you’re a frog, isn’t it just, ng , more proof I love you?”

“I know, but it’s just… the reciprocating part of the love I don’t agree with. Frogs just- They don’t really make you feel… cared for. Like, they never look like they give a fuck if you’re there or not. Do I not make you feel cared for?”

Oh, sweet, stupid boy. So that’s what he’s all fussy about. Tweek turns around so he can kiss Craig’s worries away.

“You make me feel the most cared for. Frogs just don’t really— ahh —show it the same way, but I can tell. It’s like that with you, too. Like, I don’t really get when other people complain about your attitude or say you’re ‘hard to read.’ To me, you’re like, the easiest thing to read, even if your face doesn’t change much. I can always just tell , you know?”

They stare into each other's eyes, and Craig’s heart pounds euphorically as he falls into the blue. It’s a beautiful thing, to be known so well. He smiles, feeling a lot better about the whole frog thing, and kisses Tweek again, harder this time, like he’s trying to transfer every ounce of gratitude in his body that they found each other in this life. 

“It doesn’t ever upset you, to be the only one who understands? Doesn't it get, I dunno, lonely?”

“ Hn , no, if anything it’s kinda… It kinda makes me feel special. Like - ahh - Like I’m the only one fluent in your language, and I don’t really wanna teach anyone else, if I’m being honest.”

There it is again, that bite of possessiveness he loves so much. Craig chuckles, peppering adoring kisses around Tweek’s face. Have it all. Have my heart. Go ahead and sink your teeth into it if it’ll make me yours forever . 

Tweek squirms away from the ticklish sensation, turning to be spooned against Craig again. There’s just peaceful, golden, perfect afternoon quiet blanketed around them for a while, and Craig is almost dozing off when Tweek laughs again.

“What?”

“I just realized— That’s probably why Michael likes playing with you so much. He thinks you’re one of them. Hah - He thinks you’re a frog friend.”

Tweek smiles like that’s the sweetest sentiment ever, but Craig wrinkles his nose.

“Ugh, Michael’s a jerk. He’s only nice to you. I wouldn’t be his friend even if I was a frog.”

“That’s kinda like you, too. Only being nice to me.” Tweek yawns, eyes drooping closed. “Now you have to admit you’re a frog.”

“Fine. Maybe I understand them better than I thought. I still don’t think they’re cute, though.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Tweek murmurs sleepily. “They’re cute to me, and they’re my favorite.”

“But I’m your favorite favorite, right? Like, out of all the ones you like, I’m your favorite frog?”

“So annoying…” is all Tweek manages to mumble out before falling completely asleep.

Craig smiles, wrapping his frog limbs tighter around his favorite guinea pig, and drifting off after him. 

+1

“Look, it’s you.”

Craig looks up from the map of the state fair he’s studying, rolling his eyes when he spots the frog hat in the prize booth Tweek is pointing at. Ever since the whole pet theory thing, they’ve been pointing out each other’s respective spirit animals anywhere they pop up, and saying ‘it’s you.’ Of course, guinea pigs are way less commonly used in designs and ads than simple frogs, so it’s mostly just Tweek’s running joke. 

“I can’t believe they skinned a frog to make that hat; So unethical,” he tuts sarcastically, going back to his map and trying to find the quickest route to the famed roller coaster they came all the way out to Denver to ride. 

“You could totally win it! It’s a basketball game— That’s like, the only thing you’re good at.”

“Ha ha. I’m probably not even good at that anymore since I haven’t played all summer.” Craig squints ahead of them, checks the map one more time, then folds it and stuffs it in his back pocket. “Okay, we need to follow the left-”

Tweek is still staring at the frog hat.

“... You actually want it, don’t you?”

Tweek fidgets sheepishly. “I think it’s kinda cute.” 

Craig studies the carnival game— It’s the one with those faraway, 12-foot hoops with long nets trailing down to the floor. He knows it’s rigged somehow, but the people currently playing are getting a shot in once in a while, so it can’t be impossible . And the frog hat isn’t very high up in the prize booth; All the big-ticket items are humongous stuffies. So he might actually be able to win it, if luck is on his side…

It’s also much more likely he’ll just end up losing a bunch of money and his dignity, though. 

Craig looks back at Tweek, and fuck him and his money and his dignity because Tweek’s got that hopeful, wanting expression that he can never say no to. Craig sighs, grabbing Tweek’s hand and walking to the hoops.

“It’s probably rigged, though, so don’t get your hopes up.”

Tweek grins giddily. “I bet you’re too good for the rigs, anyway.” 

Craig snorts. “You’re only nice to me when you want something. Greedy little guinea pig.” He pinches Tweek’s cheek affectionately and Tweek swats his hand away.

“ Hh - Watch out, I’ve been known to bite.”

------------------------------------------------

Apparently, luck is on his side today, because it only takes two rounds to get the hat. The price to play was a total rip-off, but for the way Tweek looked at him when he got enough points, like he’d crafted a nebula with his bare hands and then thrown it up in the sky for him, it was soooo worth it. 

Tweek is actually vibrating with excitement by the time the hat is handed over, but when Craig goes to put it on Tweek’s head, his grin falls into confusion, and he scrunches away from the hat. 

“ aGH- I thought you were wearing it!”

“Me? You’re the one who wanted it!"

“Yeah, but you’re the frog! I thought it would look cute on you . I wanted to see my Frog Boy in a frog hat.”

“But this Frog Boy already has a trusty hat-” Craig tugs the string of his blue chullo “-and I’m not cheating on her with another hat.”

“Why is your hat a girl if you’re gay?”

“Just-” Craig sighs, raising the hat over Tweek’s head again. “Wear it, please? I won it for you. And if I’m the frog, it’ll be like I’m sitting on your head.”

Tweek seems to like the idea of that, eyes lighting up and straightening his back so he can be crowned with his frog hat.

Wow . Craig’s breath catches in his throat when Tweek looks up at him, frog slightly lopsided on his messy hair. This hat was definitely meant for Tweek, and not him. It suits Tweek so well, the way it’s his signature green, and the big cartoon eyes pop out like Tweek’s when he gets startled. 

Okay, Tweek was right. Frogs are pretty dang cute. 

Tweek cranes his neck around, bouncing— hopping —on the balls of his feet while he searches around. “Is there a mirror somewhere? Or- Do you have enough battery for me to use the camera real quick? I just wanna— mnh —make sure I don’t look too weird.”

“Trust me, you don’t look weird. You look-” Adorable? Perfect? You’re activating my cute aggression so bad I wanna squish you into a little ball and swallow you? “You look froggy.”

“ Rrgh- Coming from you, I’m not so sure that’s a compliment,” Tweek huffs, reaching up to pull the hat off.

“No!” Craig stops him, grabbing his wrist and forcing his hand back down. “It’s a compliment, I swear. Froggy in a cute way. The cutest way. Leave it on. I like it.”

Tweek blushes, turning to avert his eyes from the intense adoration of Craig’s stare, and drags him back to the main route so they can get on with what they came here for. 

State fairs are chaotic. They’re huge and filled with fun rides, sweet treats, games, face-painting booths, the scent of buttery popcorn— So much noise, activity, color, and aroma, all battling to steal your attention away. 

He thinks he gets it now, why Tweek is so obsessed with looking for frogs in the wild.

Because amidst all the stimulant chaos, all Craig can see, all he wants to see, is that kitschy green hat and the blonde, fluffy hair sticking out under it. 

------------------------------------------------

On the train ride home, Tweek falls asleep on Craig’s shoulder, and he takes a picture, immediately replacing his old galaxy wallpaper with the photo. He can’t wait to print it out at home, on a polaroid to hang on his wall, on basic printer paper to paste in a journal like Tweek, on sticker paper to add to his computer decor. Then he goes online, searching every pet store and handmade crafts site for mini frog hats for his guinea pigs.

It’s the start of what can only be classified as a full-blown, mind-consuming, head-over-heels obsession.