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Rayane feels like he could skip home. He actually smiles at a couple of passersby but is only rewarded by weird looks. Whatever.
He opens the door and runs the stairs up.
"Mom?" he yells, when he comes inside, drops the keys onto the table.
"Here!"
Rayane goes to the living room, where Romy is sitting on the couch, phone in hand, the TV playing quietly in the background.
Rayane sits next to her, and she absentmindedly leans closer so he can give a kiss to her cheek.
"Hello darling, how was your day?"
Rayane can not help the grin taking over his face. "Good."
This, apparently, is enough for his mom to put down her phone and look at him properly. She smiles. "Good, huh?"
Rayane can not look at her. "Yeah," he clears his throat, "good."
His mom hums. "And did anything special happen?"
She's teasing him. He can hear it in her voice.
He thinks of Jack's smile, Jack finally looking him in the eye. Jack finally seeing him. Thinks of the kiss. Touching Jack's hair. His hand on Jack's neck.
"No." He looks at his mom, who is now openly grinning.
"No, nothing?" When Rayane just shakes his head, she adds: "Did you see Jack?"
At that, Rayane has to look away from his mom's knowing eyes. He wants to tell his mom, but at the same time, he wants to keep it to himself. The way Jack smiled, pleased and shy, the hopeful look in his eyes, the smile against his lips.
"Yeah, I saw him at the skatepark."
"And?"
Rayane grins. "And what?"
His mom rolls her eyes. "And how is Jack? Did you ask him about his sight?"
Rayane sighs. "Yeah..."
"Oh my god, it's like pulling teeth with you. What did he say?"
Rayane laughs at his mom. "Well, you'll be happy to hear that you were right. He was scared I wouldn't want to spend as much time with him, if he could see."
Romy let's out a little scream. "See! I told you! I'm sure he's relieved now." She hits his arm, teasing. "Well, did he say how nice it was to see you?"
"Mom!"
"What? It's a perfectly good question."
Rayane can feel himself blushing. "No, but it was nice to look into his eyes."
His mom actually coos at him.
Rayane stands up. "Okay, that's it. I'll be in my room."
"Okay, tell Jack that he's always welcome here!"
Rayane picks up his skateboard and goes to his room. "Yeah, yeah."
***
Friday 23.11
Jack: Good night 😘
Saturday 13.11 Missed call .
Saturday 13.12
Jack: I tried to call. Do you want to meet up today?
Saturday 17.26 Missed call .
Sunday 11.47
Jack: Hello?
Sunday 12.19
Jack: You alright?
Sunday 19.15
Jack: :(
***
So, Rayane panics. He spends the weekend feeling weird, feeling scared.
After the kiss (which still feels like something Rayane dreamed) he couldn't fall asleep. Because how could he keep Jack? Jack was kind and understanding and funny, and he was perhaps Rayane's best friend. Wasn't it better to just keep it as it was? Because it was so good, Jack already made him so happy. What if he was selfish in wanting more and it would ruin everything? What if Jack would start to hate him? What if Jack didn't really like him? Maybe Jack was used to Rayane being around, helping him. What if Jack didn't need him now that he got his sight back?
On Monday morning there are butterflies in his stomach, but not the good ones. He feels anxious. He looks into his own eyes in the mirror.
"You loser, you can fucking do it. What are you scared of, huh? He slaps his face. Takes a deep breath.
So, naturally, he skips the classes he has together with Jack. He goes to the skate park instead. He just forgets that Jack knows him too well.
"Hi."
Jack stops a few metres in front of him. Rayane tries to breathe. This is exactly what he was afraid of. They are already acting weird around each other.
"Hi, what are you doing here?" he asks like an idiot.
Jack doesn't smile, just looks Rayane in his eyes and looks hesitant. "Well, I thought if you aren't in school you usually come here. I wanted to make sure you are alright, that you aren't sick."
Rayane looks away.
"Oh wait, let me try something." And now Jack sounds pissed off. He takes out his phone, and Rayane can feel his phone start vibrating in his pocket.
He takes it out and the name Jack is flashing on the screen.
"Oh, so your phone does work." Jack's voice is hard. "Are you ghosting me?"
"No, of course not! I was just busy, that's all", Rayane says defensively. "My friend was visiting from London, I told you."
Jack looks down. "Oh. Right."
There's silence. Rayane knows he has to make this right. "Come, sit."
Jack sits next to him, but there's a space between them. Rayane doesn't know if he's happy or sad about it.
"Is this about the kiss?"
Rayane forgets how brave Jack can be. He cannot look at him, instead he ends up looking at some kid trying to flip on his skateboard and falling over.
"No, of course not, you thought I would ghost you because of a small kiss?"
Rayane can feel Jack's eyes on him.
"Because we can talk about the kiss," Jack says, like he didn't hear what Rayane just said.
"Sure," he says, can feel the panic rising. "But, I mean, we don't have to make it a big thing, right?" He smiles, tries to push the charm out instead of the panic he feels.
Jack frowns. "Okay, but the kiss was..."
"Fun! It was fun!"
Jack looks at him, blue eyes big and something breaks in Rayane's chest. "Fun?"
Rayane nods, willing Jack to understand. "Yes, don't you think?"
Jack finally looks away, voice light. "Uh, sure, we were having fun, but..."
"I mean, we are friends, right? So a little kiss between friends. It's not like it changes anything. It's great like this, hmm?"
Jack frowns, and Rayane wants to reach out and touch him, but he can't.
"Sure, I just..."
"So I have to go, but we can eat lunch together here, okay?
"Sure," Jack says, but he isn't looking at Rayane.
Rayane flees on his skateboard, his heart in his throat. That was close.
***
It's weird how much you can want something and be afraid of it at the same time.
Rayane and Jack meet up to eat lunch at the skatepark. To be fair, Rayane is almost surprised Jack shows up, but at the same time he's so relieved and happy that he hasn't fucked everything up. Jack still wants to spend time with him.
They are sitting on a ramp, eating sandwiches.
Jack's playing on his phone.
"What are you doing?"
Jack's hair is tousled, his cheeks red. "Oh, just trying to decide."
Rayane reaches over to see. "Decide what?" He sees the shirtless picture Jack is looking at. "Are you counting on your abs?" Rayane can't even lie, he would love to have that picture himself.
Jack snorts. "No, I'm trying to decide which pictures to use."
Rayane looks at Jack, and is pretty sure Jack's actually blushing. To distract himself he takes a big bite of his sandwich. "Use?"
"Yeah, in the apps."
Rayane almost chokes. "Apps?" He croaks.
"Yeah, I mean the shirtless pic isn't for a CV! I kinda like this one too, and here I look very natural, I just have to crop you out."
Rayane thinks he's dying. "Yeah. But don't you think the apps are a bit old-fashioned?"
Jack looks at, like he can see right through him. "Aren't you on the apps?" Rayane wants to kiss his smirk, but of course he can't.
"Yeah, but..." Rayane looks away.
"Besides I'm tired of waiting for the right person, you know? I just want to meet someone to have fun with."
The sandwich is trying to kill Rayane. It tastes like ash.
"What do you think I should write in my profile?"
***
Rayane isn't sure how he isn't dead by heart ache. He's at a bistro eating dinner with his mom, but he can't put his phone down. He just keeps scrolling through profiles hoping, and fearing, to find Jack's.
"...and we will move to Dunkirk, of course, so...
Rayane blinks at his mom. "Huh?"
"Huh?" Romy mimics him.
"What?"
"What?" His mother smiles. "You tell me, I'm trying to enjoy dinner with my son, but he's busy flirting with hot guys."
Rayane frowns. "I'm not."
"Well, what are you doing? Counting how many hot dudes are in the area?"
Rayane looks at his phone, scrolls past the profile it's showing. "No, it's just..." He sighs. "Jack made a profile."
There's silence. "Jack? The same Jack who lied to you last week of still being blind, so that you wouldn't stop spending so much time with him? That Jack?"
Rayane feels empty. "Yeah, we had a talk about just being friends. And then... I helped him make a dating profile."
His mom lets out a deep sigh, takes hold of his hand. "Oh Rayane."
"I'm just trying to see if he changed it."
"That's the only reason you're trying to find his profile."
Rayane looks at his mom. "Yeah, what else could it be?"
His mom smiles at him, kindly. "Oh, nothing. Are you seeing him tomorrow?"
"Yeah, in school."
"Okay, maybe you could have a talk with him there, hmm?"
Rayane looks down on his phone, swallows. "Yeah, of course." He's not sure he's ready for another talk with Jack.
In the evening before falling asleep, he looks at his chat history with Jack. Looks at the last sent messages, starts typing before erasing it all again. He scrolls until he finds his favourite message, a voice note from Jack.
"Hi, it's Jack. Obviously. I just wanted to say thanks again for, you know, being there for me today and helping me. I'm happy you are here and my friend, even if your jokes suck. Um. Lizzie is helping me to school in the morning, but I'll meet you in the courtyard, okay? Anyway, see you tomorrow. Good night."
He listens to it twice before forcing himself to put his phone down. He doesn't send any messages.
***
Rayane wakes up in a better mood. The sun is shining and he's certain it's going to be a good day.
"I could cook us dinner tonight", he says while going around the car to the passenger seat.
"Oh, that would be lovely! What is this?" Romy takes the note left on the windshield and opens it. "Huh? Notice the way you look at me? Admit it: you like me," his mom reads out loud.
"What?"
And then she opens the paper the rest of the way. "Aaaawwwww!"
"What? What is it?"
"Look, how cute is he?" She puts the paper up so that he can see. It is a printed picture of him and Jack, and he's looking at Jack looking smitten.
"Give me that!" He snatches the paper from his mom and stuffs it into his pocket. "And no questions!"
"Aww! Do you always look at him like that? I mean, he is very cute."
"Mom! It's just Jack's fantasy. I told you, we are just friends. Can you open the door, now."
She opens the car doors. "Aw, touchy subject, I see."
He sits down, huffing.
"Teenage love stories are never easy, you know," Romy says from the driver's seat.
Rayane rolls his eyes. "This isn't a love story. It's just Jack being, I don't know, delusional."
"Mm-hmm. Whatever you say," his mom says, finally starting the car. "But if something does happen, just remember to use protection."
"Mom!"
***
At school his heart feels heavy. He knows what he needs to do. Because Jack deserves something better.
He finds Jack in a corner of the school courtyard. Rayane sees him, standing at a table, doing schoolwork. Rayane takes a deep breath. He feels like he's going into a battle.
"You have to stop," he says.
Jack's eyes are so blue. He looks like he tries to make himself smaller than he is, and Rayane hates the world that has treated him so. Hates himself.
Before Jack can say a word, Rayane puts the printed picture on the table. "So you couldn't find what you were looking for in the apps, so you come back to me?"
Jack blinks at him. "No! Rayane, no, I just wanted to..."
"Wanted to 'what'? I thought I made it pretty clear last time. We are just friends." Rayane's heart is beating so fast in his chest.
But Jack just looks at him, calm and steady. "No, I don't think it is clear at all. Besides, why did you care that I made a profile on the dating app? Huh?"
Rayane looks at Jack's defiant face. "I didn't! No, it's just..." he takes a deep breath. "You deserve better, okay?" He leans in closer, continues more quietly. "Jack, especially for your first time. You deserve a thousand times better than some rando from an app. Don't you want it to mean something?"
Jack sighs. "Of course I want it to mean something. But, I'm just tired of looking. I just want to get it over with. Besides... No, let me finish! I know you said the kiss was just fun, but I disagree. It was more. It was meaningful, Rayane. Just like our connection, or our talks." Jack finally looks away from Rayane's eyes and he feels like he can breathe again.
Jack smoothes the picture on the table, runs his finger across Rayane's smile in it. He smiles that smile that makes Rayane's heart flutter. "We look good together, right?
I know you like me. I know there's something between us."
What Rayane wants to do is run away. What he does is stay still and say in a steady voice: "No, you just think there's more because it was new to you. You haven't been in a relationship or in love. You can't make your fantasy into a reality. Why do you want us to be together, huh? We are good as friends."
"You don't know better than me."
"Well I'm the one who has dated a guy before!"
Jack sighs, looks down. "True. But I wonder what happened so that you don't wanna try again."
"Nothing! It's just that I don't love you."
Jack's eyes are blue as sorrow.
"Careful, I might start believing you if you say it enough."
Rayane feels like he's hurting himself, but he needs Jack to listen. "I'm not in love. But neither are you. I was just there when you needed somebody. It's not love, it's infatuation."
He takes up the printed picture and leaves. Heart hammering in his chest. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He hopes he'll be able to forget Jack's hurt look someday.
***
Of course Rayane has a class with Jack and Lizzie. And oh boy, Lizzie is going to hate him after today. He just has to show her that he's still a good friend to Jack.
He sits behind Jack, and the girl next to him gives him a weird look. But whatever. He can sit wherever he wants, it's not like he has to sit next to Jack.
He doesn't think Jack wants him to sit next to him.
Jack gives him a sad look he pretends he doesn't see. Instead he busies himself by taking out his notebook and pencil case, tries his best to ignore Jack as best as he can (so not very well at all).
"So, let's begin. Who wants to give their book speech today? Two people, wow!" The teacher says. "Jack, you want to go first."
Suddenly the whole classroom titters. When Rayane looks up, he can see why. Jack has taken his cardigan, and below it he's wearing a white t-shirt where he has written in blue paint "Zero doubts".
Rayane's heart hammers in his throat. What the hell is Jack doing?
Then Jack turns. In the front of the t-shirt it reads "I love you".
The class oohs and aahs. Rayane can feel people looking at him, whisper about him, and it makes him want to flee. Makes him want to yell at them to look away, to mind their own business.
Instead he has to sit there, when Jack is giving a stupid speech about Oidipus. About people not seeing even when they aren't blind.
Rayane bites his tongue, refuses to look away or down. He isn't afraid.
In the front Jack keeps yammering on. Rayane suddenly remembers, when he was at Jack's, and Jack said Rayane was the one that couldn't see. Is that what he meant? Does Jack really think that Rayane doesn't understand what's going on between them?
Jack gets applauded, even a few catcalls when he finishes. He tries to catch Rayane's eye but Rayane looks past him.
Just. Fuck him. Rayane almost feels like crying, he's that angry.
He's the first one out of that horrible class. He walks past all the people. He just wants to be alone and think.
He goes outside, sits in the shade, and takes out his English book so he doesn't look like a loser, sitting by himself.
He just... doesn't understand.
How could Jack? He knows how Rayane feels, that he isn't out in school. They have talked about it, many times.
Is Jack making fun of him?
He sees Jack coming out with Lizzie, of course, deep in conversation. They both look serious. A part of Rayane wants to go over and shake Jack, ask him to explain himself. But it's also the old Rayane, who fought and was angry all the time. He hates that Jack made that part of him to come out.
***
Somehow Rayane survives the day even if it drags on.
After school he meets his mom to have lunch, but he knows he's in a bad mood. Luckily his mom lets him be, muttering something about moody teenagers.
He doesn't go home. He needs to find Jack and talk to him. Needs to confront him about his stupid shirt.
He keeps seeing the text.
Zero doute
Je t'aime
But does Jack love him? Is it possible? Does he really have zero doubts?
It feels like Rayane can't think of anything else, his brain just focused on Jack.
He almost runs to Jack's apartment, runs the stairs up and knocks on the door.
A moment and the door opens.
"Oh, hi Rayane! How are you?" Jack's mom smiles at him.
"Hi, I'm looking for Jack." He feels stupid. He realises he should have called first. But he wanted to see Jack, not send him a message.
"Oh, Jack is still out. Lizzie! Where did Jack say he went? Right! He's down at the harbour. He said he needed fresh air." She smiles at him and he tries his best to smile back. She reminds him of Jack, of his warmth, and it makes something ache in him.
"Thank you, I'll try to catch up to him."
"Good luck!"
"Bye!"
The sun is setting. There are few people walking, enjoying the lovely evening in the harbour. But Rayane spots Jack quite soon.
It looks like Jack is in no hurry.
"Jack!"
Jack stops and turns as he catches up to him.
"You have gone too far. You knew I haven't come out yet in school. What were you thinking?"
Jack stays a few steps away. "I didn't say who I was in love with."
Rayne scoffs. "Everybody knew you meant me!"
Jack sighs, looks away before looking at Rayane again. "What are you so afraid of? People's opinions?"
And how can Rayane make Jack understand? "I don't want to be judged, okay? I don't want people to whisper about me, or talk about me, that I... Fuck!" He feels trapped.
And then Jack brings up the one subject Rayane hates the most.
"Is that what happened with your ex boyfriend?"
Rayane looks at the sky, feels choked up.
"What happened was my father. You can't even imagine what I went through, what he said and did, when he found out about him, okay?"
Jack looks at him like he's ready to cry too. Not because of him, but for him.
"Rayane, I won't let everyone judge you or treat you badly."
But how can Rayane believe him? He just hurts everybody around him, why can't Jack see it?
"I'm sorry. But I don't have the strength to go through with this."
There's a spark in Jack's eyes, like Rayane just gave him something, gave him hope. Jack steps closer. "Of course you have the strength, Rayane. You're one the strongest people I know. And besides, you don't have a choice because you are in love with me."
Rayane snorts even though his palms are sweaty and his heart is beating too fast. How is this boy real? "Stop saying that! Stop trying to guess how I feel!"
"But you love me, I know you love me."
Rayane looks at Jack. Jack who is looking at him, fighting for them. And Rayane feels.tired suddenly. Tired of lying. Tired of being scared.
"Okay. I love you. Happy now?" It's almost funny how surprised Jack looks, mouth agape and curly hair tousled. "I've loved you from the first time I saw you, when I wanted to know if you were bluffing being blind."
Jack smiles his small pleased smile. "I remember."
Now it feels like Rayane can not stop, that now that he started to tell the truth he has to say it all. "And there will always be people who judge who we are and what we do, if they think it's right or wrong. And I can say it a thousand times: I love you! Fuck, I love you like crazy. But it doesn't change anything."
Jack shakes his head, and even his voice shakes when he says: "It changes everything. Can't you see? Because we can be together."
"You are too romantic!"
Jack smiles, more confident. "No, you're the romantic one. And now all you want to do is kiss me."
And Rayane is just done with trying to resist, trying to be a realist. He laughs. "You are impossible."
Jack just smiles, steps closer and closer. And Rayane closes his eyes as their lips touch, warm and comforting, but so intoxicating that Rayane only notices they aren't alone when there are steps directly behind him. He spins around, but there's just a man walking past them, minding their own business.
Rayane laughs, relieved. Because there are other people in the world, sure, but who cares what they think. He has Jack, and he is allowed to kiss him. So he does. Many, many times over. Runs his fingers through Jack's hair. Listens when Jack's breath speeds up. Thinks: I'm going to keep you safe. And also: Je t'aime. Je t'aime. Je t'aime.