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Seungcheol is the very first person Jeonghan comes out to. Jeonghan felt he owed it to the leader to tell him the truth, especially considering their shared room.
It’s in the early hours of the morning, after they’ve returned from an all-day practice and are getting ready for bed, that Jeonghan brings the subject up. Jeonghan is sitting awkwardly on his own bed, watching Seungcheol work his way around the room in his usual nightly routine. When Seungcheol pulls his shirt off and starts to crawl into bed, Jeonghan knows it’s now or never.
“Hey Seungcheol?” He calls nervously across the room. The elder pauses, in the middle of burrowing himself in his blankets, and looks over. “Can I… tell you something?”
The older must sense the sincerity in Jeonghan’s voice because he sits up immediately. “What’s the matter?” He’s using his leader voice, powerful yet full of concern.
“Nothing is wrong, I just need to tell you something,” he sucks in a deep breath, exhaling it in a heavy sigh. He can do this. He starts to speak, his voice just barely above a whisper. “I think that I… might like boys.”
“Okay?” Seungcheol is looking at him, confusion clouding his face. “Is that what you wanted to tell me?”
“No, I mean… I like like boys. The way that I’m supposed to like girls,” Jeonghan didn’t expect it to be this difficult to say out loud. “I think I’m gay.”
“Oh.”
“I understand if you think I’m disgusting or you don’t want to be my roommate anymore or-“
“Whoa, whoa, Jeonghan, stop. I would never think you’re disgusting. I’m not going to stop being your roommate because of this. Don’t worry,” Seungcheol’s voice is so soft and tender, Jeonghan wants to cry.
“But if it makes you uncomfortable or anything, I can move out right away!”
“Jeonghan, it doesn’t bother me. Really. You’re still my best friend. Nothing has changed,” Seungcheol has started shifting, moving to lie back down in his bed. It’s a clear sign that the conversation is coming to an end and he’s going to go to bed. “Have you told anyone else?”
Jeonghan shakes his head. “I thought I should tell you first.”
“Okay, then I won’t tell anyone else. We’ll let them all know once you’re ready.”
When the lights are off and the two have both comfortably settled into their own beds, Jeonghan lets out a sigh of relief that he didn’t know he was holding in. “Thank you.”
-
The month of May is a blur. Jeonghan can hardly tell one day from the next, considering they’re almost all spent slaving away in the practice room, running endless dance rehearsals. When it’s not dance, it’s recording; singing the same part over and over until Jihoon finally decides he got it right. He almost forgot what the sun looks like, only ever catching brief glimpses in the early morning when they all walk to the Pledis building, or when it would occasionally shine through a window.
He can’t remember the last time he left the building before two in the morning. He also can’t remember May ever being this cold at night. He’s lucky he can even remember his name at this point.
It might be from the sweat still clinging damply to his skin, but Jeonghan finds himself shivering in his thin t-shirt as the group walks back to their dorms.
Seungcheol notices immediately. “Are you cold?”
“Ah, it’s nothing. I’ll be fine once we get back to the dorm,” Jeonghan says casually, but he can’t stop the next shiver that wracks through his body.
Seungcheol frowns, then quickly removes his own jacket, holding it out to Jeonghan. It’s an old zip-up sweatshirt, a little ratty and torn up around the edges. Seungcheol’s favorite. “Take my jacket.” Underneath, he has nothing but a worn-out tank top, cut too far down on the sides.
“Seungcheolie, put that back on. It’s too cold to be dressed like that,” he says, trying to push it back to Seungcheol.
“You’re right, it is cold,” he muses. Then he smiles gently and wraps the jacket around Jeonghan’s shoulder anyway. His smile sets Jeonghan’s insides on fire and he swears it’s all he’d really need to stay warm.
The jacket helps though.
-
Debut had always been the ultimate goal, yet now that it’s here, now that it’s a tangible performance, Jeonghan is unbelievably nervous. Two years of his life were all leading up to this moment. Any mistake could mean those two years were absolutely wasted.
Seungcheol is doing his best as leader. Jeonghan has watched him make his way to each and every member, comforting and supporting them in whatever way he could. Jeonghan doesn’t understand how he’s remaining so calm; he’s put more time into this group than any of the others had. He has so much more on the line if things don’t go well.
When he finally makes it to Jeonghan, he just smiles. “Big day ahead of us,” he says softly. Jeonghan can only nod. In all his nervousness, he can’t quite seem to find his voice. Seungcheol can sense it, and he takes the younger’s hands into his own. “Don’t be worried. You’ve been practicing for years. This is what we’re trained to do.”
“That’s exactly why I’m worried, though,” Jeonghan frowns. Seungcheol’s fingers are tracing comforting shapes against the back of Jeonghan’s hands. “We’ve trained for so long… What if it was all a mistake? What if I’m still not good enough?
“Hey, don’t say that! You’ll do great, I know it. I believe in you, Jeonghan. I’ll always believe in you.”
Jeonghan doesn’t really have time to respond as their manager is rushing them to the stage. This is it. The moment of truth.
Seungcheol smiles and gives him one last pat on the back before they head out on stage. “Good luck.”
-
One of the few problems with being such a large group was seating arrangements. There were so many of them; more often than not, seating ended up being a first-come, first-serve basis.
So when Seungcheol texts him and lets him know that he’s going to be late for dinner, Jeonghan can’t help the little disappointment bubbling inside of him. He had been looking forward to sitting with the older boy and chatting; something they hadn’t really had the chance to do lately.
It’s nearly half an hour into dinner when Seungcheol finally shows up. Jeonghan waves him over, gesturing to the empty seat next to him.
“I saved you a seat,” he says casually. The dimpled smile that Seungcheol gives in response makes it worth agreeing to do Soonyoung’s laundry for a week to get him to move. He’s not sure it was worth dish duty for the next two weeks just to make the table stop cooing at him, though.
-
Jeonghan’s piling dishes into the sink, ready for his fifth night of dish duty, when he remembers the two mugs sitting in his and Seungcheol’s room from when Seungcheol made them both tea this morning. He sighs, stepping away from the sink and heading off to collect the mugs.
Mingyu and Wonwoo stop him on his way, using him to settle their ongoing argument of which superhero was the best. Jeonghan tries his best to help, but apparently his choice wasn’t even one they were arguing over. He can hear them grumbling irritably as they wander off in search of someone who can actually help.
When he returns to the kitchen, dirty mugs in hand, he finds half the dishes already cleaned and lying out on the drying rack. Seungcheol’s sleeves are rolled up past his elbows as his hands clean the plates in soapy water. A startled noise escapes Jeonghan’s throat and Seungcheol looks over.
“I hope you don’t mind, I did the dishes for you,” he says, smiling softly. “You’ve done them almost every single day this week, I figured it was only fair.”
Jeonghan doesn’t mention the deal he made with the others, the fact that he has to do the dishes. Instead, he places the dirty mugs next to the sink and picks up a dry rag.
“Then at least let me help you dry them off.”
-
Jeonghan is trying and trying, but his nerves have gotten the best of him. No matter how many times he unties and reties his tie, it never lies just right. All he can do is let out an aggravated groan as he yanks the knot out once again. Maybe he’ll get it right eventually. Maybe he can set it on fire instead.
“Come here. Let me fix it,” Seungcheol says from where he’s watching across the room. His tone is gentle, like one would use towards a child. Reluctantly, Jeonghan does make his way towards him.
With calm hands, much less shaky than Jeonghan’s own, Seungcheol reaches out and grabs the fabric of the tie. With ease, he twists and pulls at it until it’s knotted perfectly, resting right at the collar of Jeonghan’s shirt. “Much better, yeah?”
They’re standing entirely too close and Jeonghan can’t help the wave of relief that washes over him when their manager enters the room, causing Seungcheol to step back.
Jeonghan manages to mumble a brief thank you before they’re being ushered off towards the stage.
-
It’s hot outside. Almost unbearably so. The thin cotton of Jeonghan’s shirt is sticking uncomfortably to his sweaty skin and all he wants is to go back to the dorm and lie in front of the small air conditioner for the next three hours.
He’s been walking around Seoul for the last three hours, getting crankier and crankier, until Seungcheol forcibly sat him down at a bench and told him he’d be right back.
When he finally does return, he’s got an ice cream cone in each hand, offering the one in his left to Jeonghan. He takes it, staring questionably at the orangey ice cream inside.
“It’s peach,” Seungcheol explains, sitting down next to him on the bench. “I thought I’d get a flavor that’s as sweet as you.”
Jeonghan can’t help but laugh at the cheesy line. “Thanks, Seungcheolie,” he says, then takes a lick of his ice cream. It is sweet, maybe a little too sweet, but he doesn’t dare complain. It’s refreshing, regardless. “How much do I owe you?”
“Owe me? No, it’s my treat.”
They eat the rest of their cones in a comfortable silence, occasionally offering soft smiles to one another. When they finish, there’s chocolate smudged around the corner of Seungcheol’s lips. Instinctually, Jeonghan reaches his hand out, thumb wiping at the sticky substance. Once he manages to wipe it away, he pulls his thumb back, licking the ice cream off it.
When he realizes what he just did, he flushes and turns away, but Seungcheol just chuckles, and grabs at Jeonghan’s hand, twining their fingers together.
Jeonghan doesn’t mind how sticky their hands feel as they make their way back to the dorm.
-
Jeonghan should have said no when the stylist suggested bleaching his hair. Bleaching it to make it easy to color was one thing, but leaving it bleach blond was an entirely different story. But he didn’t say no; probably couldn’t say no.
Now he’s stuck, locked away in his and Seungcheol’s room, staring at the mirror. Tears sting slightly at his eyes. Blond. What had any of them been thinking?
He can’t even remember the last time he felt this self-conscious.
When the bedroom door opens suddenly, Jeonghan jumps away from the mirror, wiping frantically at any tears that might have slid down his cheeks.
“Are you okay?” Seungcheol asks when he sees Jeonghan’s puffy eyes. The concern in his voice is different than when he tries to reassure Minghao of his progress in Korean or when he comforts Soonyoung when the choreography isn’t quite right. It’s softer, more worried.
“I- I’m fine,” Jeonghan tries to lie, but his voice betrays him. It wobbles and cracks, a telltale sign of the tears he’d been so desperate to avoid. He tries to maintain eye contact with Seungcheol, but the older shoots him a sympathetic look and his eyes fall away. Seungcheol makes him feel too vulnerable.
“You unsure about your hair, too?” Seungcheol asks with a slight chuckle, running his fingers through his recently dyed hair. Black. It suits him well. Reminds Jeonghan of how Seungcheol looked when they first met. Long before Seungcheol was ever S.Coups.
“It’s just… a lot to adjust to,” Jeonghan mumbles, fingers absentmindedly touching at the strands in front of his face. Seungcheol walks the few steps across the room, coming to a halt directly in front of Jeonghan.
Jeonghan’s hands fall away from his hair when Seungcheol’s fingers reach out to touch it. He gently runs his fingers through the long locks, eventually tucking a strand behind Jeonghan’s ear.
“Don’t stress about it too much, alright? It looks good on you.”
He strides over to his side of the room, gathering up whatever items he’d come to collect, before heading back to the door.
“Wait!” Jeonghan calls out, finally finding his voice. “Don’t worry about your hair either. It looks really good on you. It suits you.”
Seungcheol gives him a wide grin, dimpled cheeks on full display, before heading out of the room.
When Jeonghan looks in the mirror again, he feels a lot less distain for his hair color.
-
It was only a matter of time, really, before one of them got sick. Since debuting, their schedules had them constantly going, going, going. There was hardly ever time for sleep. They’d all been waiting for one of their immune systems to crash. What no one expected was for their leader to be the one it happens to.
When Jeonghan wakes up to the sound of Seungcheol nearly coughing his lungs out on the other side of the room, he can’t help but cringe. It was only a matter of time.
“Seungcheol, you okay?” He calls softly across the room.
They both know the answer but Seungcheol still humors him, croaking out a hoarse “No.”
Jeonghan sighs, climbing out of his bed. “Is it just your throat or does anything else bother you?”
“My head hurts,” Seungcheol whines and Jeonghan can’t remember the last time the leader seemed so young. He is still just a kid. They all are.
“You stay in bed, I’ll be right back.”
While he waits for the kettle to boil, Jeonghan heads back to their room. He forces Seungcheol to sit up, putting a pill in one hand and a glass of water in the other.
“Take this,” he orders, not leaving until the leader swallows the pill and finishes off the glass of water.
He returns to the kitchen to turn off the boiling kettle, pulling out Seungcheol’s favorite mug. A glance at the clock says it’s not quite five in the morning. Maybe after he gives Seungcheol his tea, he’ll be able to get just a little bit more sleep.
Returning to their shared room, he finds Seungcheol half unconscious once again. He gently shakes at his shoulders. “Seungcheolie, you gotta wake up.”
“Give me five more minutes,” he croaks out, voice cracking.
“Up, up,” Jeonghan orders, grabbing Seungcheol’s shoulders and yanking him into a sitting position. “Come on, drink this. You’ll feel better.”
Jeonghan holds the mug against Seungcheol’s lips and he hesitantly takes a sip. “Peppermint tea?”
“With honey. You’ll be as good as new in no time.”
-
Jeonghan gets sick next, to absolutely no one’s surprise. He shared a room with Seungcheol and had spent most of the elder’s illness hovering around him in an attempt to nurse him back to health.
When he wakes up coughing and a little bit delirious, Seungcheol can’t help but laugh at him.
“Jeonghan, come on, sit up,” Seungcheol orders him quietly, shaking at his shoulders. When had he even fallen asleep? “You gotta sit up for me, okay?”
It takes almost every ounce of strength he has left in his body but Jeonghan is able to sit up. A mug is almost immediately being pushed at his mouth.
“I made this for you,” Seungcheol explains. Jeonghan takes a sip. It’s a little too hot and scalds at his mouth, but he still manages to give Seungcheol a weak smile. “Peppermint tea, just like you made for me.”
Seungcheol seems so proud of himself, having remembered what Jeonghan had done to nurse him back to health, and the younger smiles widely, trying his best to keep his coughing to a minimum. “Thank you, Seungcheol.”
Seungcheol reaches out to brush blond strands of hair off of Jeonghan’s face and behind his ear. “Don’t worry, you’ll feel better soon.”
-
Jeonghan is sprawled across the hardwood floor, panting heavily. It’s pushing three in the morning, and dance practice had only just ended. With an impending comeback, their days were longer than ever. Jeonghan is content to fall asleep right here, right now, on the uncomfortable wooden floor, as long as it meant he didn’t have to get up.
“It’s two sugars, right?”
Jeonghan cracks an eye open to see Seungcheol crouching over him. “Huh?”
“Your coffee. You like it with two sugars, right?” Had he asked anyone else for their coffee order? Jeonghan thinks hard, but all he can remember from the past few minutes is the sound of his own panting as he tried to keep his lungs from exploding.
“Yeah, two sugars and a bit of milk.”
Seungcheol nods thoughtful and stands, making his way out of the room. Was Jeonghan the last person to be asked or had he not asked anyone else? Jeonghan’s eyes start to slip shut; sleeping on the floor still seemed to be a better option than walking back to the dorm.
Jeonghan couldn’t have dozed off for more than a few minutes when Seungcheol softly shakes his shoulder. “Drink this.”
The coffee is perfect; two sugars for just the right amount of sweetness and just enough milk to cool the drink slightly. Jeonghan almost never even makes coffee this perfect for himself. Seungcheol has a cup of his own, though his coffee is left black. The two sit in silence as they drink, watching the other members mill about. Chan seems to have fallen asleep standing up while Hansol waves his hand wildly in front of the maknae’s face, attempting to get his attention.
When they both reach the bottom of their cups, Seungcheol nudges his side. “Feel better?”
Jeonghan nods. “I’m no longer considering sleeping on this floor, so I’d say so.”
“Awake enough to help me get all the kids home?”
It’s a struggle and Mingyu is forced to give Seungkwan a piggyback ride, but they all make it back to the dorm safely before the clock struck four.
-
One night, despite exhaustion seeping out of every pore in his body, Jeonghan finds himself unable to sleep. He tosses and turns, flips his pillow a total of seven times in an attempt to get comfortable, and ultimately finds himself sitting in the kitchen at four thirty in the morning, munching on toast. Seungcheol walks in a few minutes later.
It startles Jeonghan, who chokes slightly on his snack. “I’m sorry, did I wake you when I was leaving the room? I tried my best to be quiet.”
“It’s okay, I couldn’t really sleep anyway,” Seungcheol says casually, shrugging his shoulders. “Sounds like you couldn’t either. I thought I’d keep you company, at least.”
The two sit in a comfortable silence for the next few minutes. It’s certainly more comforting to be with someone than to be all alone at the early hours of the morning.
“Can I have some?” Seungcheol asks, gesturing towards Jeonghan’s plate. There’s only one slice of toast left.
“Here, you can have all it,” Jeonghan pushes the plate towards Seungcheol. “I ate already, so don’t worry.”
As Seungcheol eats, Jeonghan leans into him, resting his head on the elder’s shoulder. It shakes and sways slightly as he eats, but Jeonghan doesn’t mind too much. Especially not when sleep is finally creeping in on him.
The rest of the members find them almost exactly like that when they wake up in the morning; Jeonghan resting his head on Seungcheol’s shoulder while Seungcheol’s face presses into the kitchen table. The others try their best not to wake them.
-
Their room is starting to blur; it’s no longer an even split of half-Jeonghan, half-Seungcheol, but instead a blend of the two. There was no definitive start or end to either’s part of the room.
“Jeonghan?” Seungcheol calls softly through the dark room. They had technically gone to bed almost an hour ago, but neither boy had yet fallen asleep. It seemed that sleeping troubles were becoming more and more frequent. Jeonghan lets out a hum of acknowledgement. “Will you come lie with me?”
Jeonghan can hear the blankets shifting across the room as Seungcheol makes room for him. “Are you sure I’ll fit?”
“Of course, there’s room enough for both of us.”
Jeonghan pads quietly across the room, slipping under the sheets into Seungcheol’s bed. There’s not quite room for the two of them as they are, but when he curls his body around Seungcheol’s, there’s more than enough room.
The lines of their room blur a little bit more.
-
When they finally get a break in their schedule, everyone is ecstatic to be visiting family. Jeonghan can’t help but feel grateful his family lives in Seoul as he sees Junhui and Minghao off at the airport. He had never been fond of traveling.
The rest of the day was filled with members leaving, all off to catch trains to their respective hometowns. Jeonghan makes sure to wish them all a safe trip. Seungcheol and Joshua are the last left. For Joshua, it had been too much to travel back to the States, so he’s staying with Jeonghan’s family. Seungcheol intentionally booked his train late in the day to make sure all the other members made it to their trains home.
The three make their way to Seungcheol’s terminal, milling about as they wait for the train.
“Be careful, okay?” Jeonghan tries his best to be stern, but it’s difficult to order around the leader. “Call me when you make it home.”
“I will, I promise,” Seungcheol smiles softly, and pulls Jeonghan into a tight hug. They can hear the train pulling in, and Seungcheol pulls away. He gives Joshua a brief hug, less clingy than the one he just gave Jeonghan, before he gathers up his stuff and hurries to the train. “I’ll see you guys soon!”
It’s a few hours later, after he’s introduced Joshua to his parents and they’ve all settled in for dinner, that Jeonghan’s phone rings. He quickly excuses himself from the table to answer it.
“Hello?”
“Hey,” Seungcheol’s voice is rough and exhausted, bits of his Daegu accent starting to seep in around the edges. “Don’t worry, I made it home safely.”
Jeonghan hadn’t really been worried about Seungcheol making it home, but there’s still an overwhelming relief that comes from the knowledge he’s safe. “Enjoy your trip, Seungcheolie!”
“And you take care of Jisoo, okay?” Despite the exhaustion in his voice, there’s still an undeniable warmth in his voice. “I’ll see you soon.”
-
It’s late in the night, the summer heat nearly suffocating them in their small shared bedroom. Jeonghan isn’t even sure if he’s surprised when it does happen; their relationship had been treading the thin line between friendship and something much more intimate for a long time now.
They’re lying in Seungcheol’s bed, not quite touching because any skin to skin contact in this heat would surely kill them. Seungcheol is in the middle of speaking, telling hushed concerns and worries about being a leader, when he stops to look at Jeonghan. To really, really look at him.
“Can I kiss you?” He whispers, his eyes wide and sincere.
Jeonghan nods dumbly, leaning towards Seungcheol. He meets him halfway.
Kissing, like all other aspects of their relationship, is familiar and comforting. Seungcheol’s lips are warm and cautious and the kiss is everything Jeonghan didn’t know he wanted.
Despite the unbearable heat, Jeonghan doesn’t mind that their skin is touching.
-
It was a long time coming. They had always felt it; it was just a matter of putting it into words.
They lie, bodies curled around one another, when Seungcheol brushes a chunk of hair off of Jeonghan’s forehead, pressing his lips against the exposed skin.
“I love you,” he whispers softly against the skin. Seungcheol has been saying it for months now, years maybe, but never in such direct terms.
Jeonghan leans up, presses his lips softly to Seungcheol’s. “I love you too.”