Chapter Text
You stood in front of me, asking me if I even remembered anything that happened that night. You seemed angry and distant and back then I didn’t understand why. We had agreed it was just for one night.
You were right. I was with someone else the week after. Someone I had just met. I remember your eyes were different the day you asked me about her. The weeks after you started distancing yourself and it felt like I was losing a part of myself. Your replies were short, your laugh dishonest and before I knew it we hardly talked. No more food dates, no more reading next to each other in silence, no more smelling your sweet perfume when you hugged me.
You never gave me a chance to answer your question, so I want to tell you how I remember the best night of my life.
You called me late in the afternoon and asked if I want to go to a beach party with people I had never seen before. They were your friends and I was excited to meet them. You picked me up later that evening. Before you arrived I changed outfits fifteen times. I decided to wear a dark blue shirt with an album cover printed on the front, because you once said it looked good on me. My shorts had a flower print on them. Plumerias.
When I got into the car you smiled at me and it made me blush, but I tried to hide it. Your eyes didn’t leave me until my seatbelt was fastened. I felt them on my skin. Your looks.
You smelled like flowers. You were wearing an oversized black shirt that barely held on to your shoulder. You had your sunglasses in your hair and your boots were worn out. Despite it being a very warm day, I was surprised to see you wear jeans shorts. You rarely wore shorts.
You turned the radio on and opened the windows. We drove along the coast and the wind was playing with your hair. Every time you looked over to me my skin started to burn. You were the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. You looked so free that night.
When we arrived you introduced me to your friends and protected me from their intense interrogations. I don’t know how many people were on the beach that day. I couldn’t take my eyes off you. We sat down on a log and you told me about a new study you were working on. You got so excited about it that your eyes were glowing. Your pale skin was bathed in the orange light of the campfire. When your friends joined us you scooted closer to me. Our legs were touching and whenever you talked about me to your friends you put your hand on my knee. My heart was racing.
We were drinking beer and one of your friends brought marshmallows to roast. You said you never had marshmallows before and I almost fell off the log. You tried them and said they were too sweet. Your fingers were a little sticky after a s’more broke in half between them, so you licked them clean. When your friends decided to go dancing we stayed behind. We stole one of the blankets your friends had brought and went further down the beach. You put the blanket down behind the beach grass and sat down on it. You tapped next to you on the blanket and asked me to lie down with you. I did.
We lay under the moonlight and looked at the stars. You took my hand while you explained the different constellations to me. My hand was sweaty and I was embarrassed, but you didn’t let go.
You asked me why I was so quiet. You said you didn’t know that side of me. I said you make me nervous. You were quiet for a bit before you propped yourself up on your elbow and asked me, if it was okay if you kissed me. I nodded while my heart was trying to escape my chest.
You laid your lips onto mine. They were soft and careful. I stopped breathing. You said I taste like marshmallows and I didn’t know if that was a good thing or bad thing. I was thankful that you didn’t stop kissing me even though you thought marshmallows were too sweet. Your tongue was gentle and your hands curious. I was afraid I was going to faint. I was so nervous. You placed your hand above my heart and it made it all better. I’ve never felt anything like it. With no one.
You got up and sat on top of me. The moonlight drew a bright line around you. You took my hands and placed them on your hips before you leaned in and kissed me again. Long and passionately. I didn’t move my hands, afraid of doing something wrong. Until you whispered in my ear. “Touch me”, you said. And I did. I let my hands travel underneath your shirt and felt the soft skin on your back for the first time. All I had that night were two or three beers, but I swear I felt like I was high. High on you. High on your touch. High on the softness of your skin.
I heard your friends call your name, when you slid your hand underneath my shirt. I gasped quietly when you reached underneath my bra and I remember the soft moan that left your lips. I couldn’t get enough of your kisses. Of your touch.
You asked if I want to go to your place. I didn’t answer right away, which led you to add that it would just be for one night and we’d go back to being “just friends” tomorrow. I nodded, sad that it would end after tonight, euphoric that I’d get this one night with you. You kissed me one last time before you got up and took my hand. You led me through the tall grass. Every few feet you turned around to kiss me, making sure I was still in it with you. I remember you walking through the dunes in front of me, your hips swaying. And I would have followed you forever. I would have followed you anywhere.
On the drive to your place you said nothing and I was busy breathing. You put your hand on my thigh and I wanted it there forever. I thought, if we could just keep driving, the night would never end. We’d be here forever. Together. Your hand on my thigh. Your sweet smell in the air.
You didn’t let go of my hand until we reached the door to your place. You dropped the keys and I remember being relieved, because maybe I wasn’t the only one who was nervous. You finally opened the door and pulled me inside. As soon as the door was shut behind us you pushed me against the wall. You kissed me like there was no tomorrow and I guess, there wasn’t supposed to be one. Your hands were everywhere and before I realized my shorts dropped to the floor.
I remember your long dark hair tickling my chest when you took off my shirt and leaned in to kiss me. You looked at me with your bright green eyes and asked “Is this okay?” and I said “Yes” with all the love I had inside of me. When your hand slid into my boyshorts you told me how fucking hot you thought I looked in them, but I was struggling to stand, feeling your hands underneath the fabric. I turned us around and pressed you against the wall in a desperate attempt to avoid collapsing into our arms.
I took off your jeans shorts and dropped them right next to mine. We kissed, long and gentle, firm and longing. I picked you up and carried you to your bedroom. You wrapped your legs around me and I liked the feeling. I wished I could feel it tomorrow. I remember your bed was perfectly made as if you were expecting a guest that night. You were not the kind of person that makes her bed every day. Maybe I should have known then. Maybe I should have known when you wore the perfume I gave you for your birthday.
I laid you down gently and you wrapped your hand around the back of my neck and pulled me down with you until our bodies were flush against each other. I regretted not taking of your shirt before I carried you over. I pulled up your shirt as much as possible and opened your strapless bra in the front. It fell right off. I was breathing so fast that I thought I’d pass out any second. Your soft curves were intoxicating and you stuck them towards me as if to ask me to take them in. I listened to your body’s language.
There were no secrets between us that night. Every scar on your body was mine to discover. You told me all about them. The scar on your knee from your childhood when you fell from a tree. The scar on your arm from when a science experiment went wrong. The scar on your stomach that almost led me to kill someone. I remember the tears in your eyes when I kissed all of them.
Later that night you offered me a special brownie and we giggled and rolled on the floor and wrestled until we ended up in an intimate embrace and went back to loving each other. We stayed up all night. It was a constant back and forth between our bodies entangled and then our minds, until we entangled both at the same time and it led to the most insane climax of my life.
I want to tell you how I felt the first time I found myself between your thighs, but I’m afraid it would go beyond the constraints of this letter. Your body begged for my touch and I longed to quench your thirst. We met, perfectly in sync. As if we had known each other forever. In a way we did. Just how did you know exactly how to drive me over the edge so easily? How did you know to touch me like that?
Your skin against mine was like a drug to me. When we fell down onto the bed, your body sweaty and exhausted, I wanted to get right back to it. In the quiet phases we talked about everything and nothing. You made me waffles in the middle of the night and I devoured them as if they were my last meal on earth. As if tomorrow the world would end. You said you love watching me eat, because I enjoy it so much. I enjoy it more when I’m with you.
You played me your favorite vinyl. One that I had never heard before. It was slow and sensual music and you said you couldn’t keep your hands off me. So you didn’t. We came together to the music you loved so much and I remember that I hoped you would still love it tomorrow. You once told me, that you don’t often share music with people, because so many people had betrayed your trust and with the end of your relationship, your love for the music you shared with them died. You trusted me with your music. Your favorite music.
We were in a different realm that night. We had become one and it was hard to imagine we could ever be two again. When the sun came up we fell asleep. In each other’s arms. Naked.
If you want me to, I’ll retell every single detail of that night. I’ll tell you about all the ways you touched me, about all the things you said that drove me insane, about all the noises that filled the room. That night plays in my head on a loop and I won’t forget it till the day I die. When the sun came up and your back was pressed against my chest, I was grateful that I got to love you. Even if it was just for one night.
You know, I knew I’d fall in love with you the day we first met. And I remember how much that thought scared me. Falling for someone, who was so far out of my reach. I think I understand now, why you distanced yourself. I hurt you in a way that I didn’t know I could. It was my fault for not being braver, for not putting myself out there. For not telling you how I felt. But I am doing it now, because I have never regretted anything more in my life.
That night meant the world to me and always will.
So, if you ever wanna be in love I want you to know that I already am. I just want to hug you again.
Love,
Kara
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Kara looked over the letter before she folded it and put it into an envelope that said “Lena” on the outside. She added a dried grass stalk and closed the envelope. She couldn’t remember the last time she had written a letter by hand. After a few minutes she got up, went outside to her car and drove over to Lena’s place. She sat in her car for a few minutes before she had built up the courage to walk up to Lena’s door and slide the letter through the mail slot. She heard footsteps inside that stopped at the exact moment the letter dropped onto the floor. Kara swallowed and hurriedly walked back to her car. When she started the car she saw the curtains in the living room move to the side slightly. Her heart was pumping, but for the first time in a long while she felt hopeful.