Chapter Text
Jensen looked at his watch impatiently. “Jared!” He called loudly. “We’re late to our own wrap party, damn it!”
There was no answer, but a few moments later, Jared hurried down the stairs, tie hanging around his neck and phone in his hand, grinning in a mildly bemused way.
“What is it?” Jensen asked, raising an eyebrow. His own lips twitched up in a smile, an automatic reaction to Jared’s happiness.
“I signed on to Walker,” he said.
Jensen felt his smile falter for a moment. “That’s great, man. But what happened to both of us taking a break?”
Jared shrugged apologetically. “I tried, but they’re giving me everything except that. They wanna start ASAP.”
Jensen chuckled through a sigh. “Yeah, ‘course, they do. Can’t have you running off to something else or changing your mind.”
Jared tipped his head at him. “I really wanted you to do it, you know.”
“I know,” he said, nodding. “But I need a break.”
Jared leaned forward, kissing him with another grin. “You know they agreed to shoot in Austin. I can stay close to home, visit the family. And it’ll be easier for us to be together.”
Jensen hummed, kissing him again.
“And, and, and, and! I’m signed on as executive producer!” Jared went on, slightly muffled by Jensen’s mouth. “I’ll have so much more room to make decisions, Jen, I’ll finally be able to tell a story the way I want to!”
“Look at you, the big man on campus,” Jensen teased, hands sliding up his chest. “I’m proud of you, Jay.”
“You’ll be there, right?” Jared asked, a note of anxiety appearing. “You can direct- or actually be in the show- whatever you want.”
“Both,” Jensen promised. “I’ll never pass up a chance to boss you around, but I’ll be damned if I never share the screen with you again.”
Jared’s answering smile was enough to erase Jensen’s fear.
“So… That’s it then.” Jared leaned back into the couch. “It’s over.”
“It’s over,” Jensen repeated, almost like a confirmation. It was his copy of the finale script that was lying on the coffee table, open to the last page.
“Fifteen years,” Jared sighed. “Doesn’t feel real.”
Jensen’s hand slid into his, squeezing. “When you gonna tell the fans about Walker?”
“Soon,” he whispered. “Maybe when we start shooting again. I just… Need to let this sink in.”
“Yeah, me too,” Jensen sighed. “I’ll tell them about The Boys after you.”
Jared leaned closer, resting his head on Jensen’s shoulder. He could feel Jensen’s grip tighten and looked up at him. “What is it?”
“Nothing,” Jensen said.
Jared stared at the one-sided smile and knew Jensen was lying. But he didn’t press- Jensen always clammed up for a while when he got emotional.
So he shifted closer instead, reaching for the wine glass he’d abandoned on the table. “Here’s to fifteen years of you and me?”
Jensen picked his own glass up, clinking it against Jared’s. “You and me.” But instead of taking a drink, he put it back, plucking Jared’s glass away too. Then he leaned in, kissing him softly.
Jared smiled into it. “Really? This is what’s got you in a romantic mood?”
“Nostalgic mood,” Jensen corrected. “First time we kissed was when the writer’s strike ended and we met up at the old house.”
“We were drunk back then,” Jared recalled fondly.
Jensen nodded, shifting around to push Jared onto his back. “Only way I’d have worked up the guts to do it.”
“We were so worried about what was gonna happen,” Jared whispered. “For us and the show.”
“I couldn’t believe I might never get to work with you again,” Jensen mused, kissing his jaw. “Never get to see your stupidly bright-and-early face bringing me coffee every morning.”
“And the runs I forced you to come on with me.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Jensen groaned and Jared laughed, shuddering when Jensen sucked at the old surgery scar on his shoulder.
“We’ve got ten minutes till they call us on set, right?” Jensen murmured.
Jared glanced at the clock. “Sounds about right. Think you can manage that, old man?”
“Brat,” Jensen accused, pinching the swell of his ass. “Just for that, I’m gonna stick to above-the-waist stuff.”
“Jen, no!” Jared whined instantly, trying to push his jeans off. “I’ll be good.”
“Uh-huh. Sure.”
Jared pouted up at him, and Jensen smiled fondly. But the melancholy Jared had spotted earlier was still there.
“What is it?” He asked again.
“Nothing.” Jensen closed his eyes, sighing. “Just… I’m worried, I guess. About the future. About things changing.”
“We can’t control the future, Jen,” Jared said softly. “And of course things are gonna change. We’ll change too. As long as we’re together at the end of it…”
Jensen buried his face into the crook of Jared’s neck, breathing him in. “Just wish we could stay here. Stay like this.”
Out of nowhere, there was a lump in Jared’s throat. He tightened his arms around Jensen’s waist. “Me too,” he whispered. “Me too, Jen.”
“Jared? We, uh… We need to talk.”
Jared raised an eyebrow at the ominous words, a little more preoccupied with his breakfast taco filling not falling out. “What’s wrong?”
“Will you come over?”
The tone made him pause. “Jen, what’s wrong?”
“Jared… Please?” Jensen asked softly.
Jared was nodding before the second word was out of Jensen’s mouth. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.” They tried to stay in different apartments during the weekends, so people wouldn’t accidentally spot them and get too suspicious. Not to mention they were having that online panel today-
But Jared barely thought about that, grabbing his keys, packing his laptop bag, and abandoning his taco. In ten minutes, he was letting himself into Jensen’s place.
Jensen was at the kitchen table, staring at an untouched plate of bacon strips. Jared strode over to him, picking Icarus up without missing a step. “Jen?”
Jensen started a little, like he hadn’t even heard Jared come in. He stared up at him, something pained in his expression. Jared’s worry grew and he let Icarus go to reach for Jensen’s hand. “Talk to me, man, you’re scaring me.”
Jensen’s throat bobbed with a nervous swallow. “I love you,” he said quietly, returning Jared’s grip. “That’s- you know that, right? Undoubtedly, with full faith- you know I love you?”
“I know,” Jared replied slowly, thumb over Jensen’s knuckles. “I love you too, but what’s-”
“And I’m proud of you.” Jensen’s eyes seemed stuck on Jared’s face, refusing to even blink. “Show’s over now, we’re gonna be moving on to different things and people- fans, tabloids- you know how they are. They’re gonna try to make it a race. Like there’s some jealousy or resentment or something stupid like that, but… No. Really. I’m just proud of you. Whatever you do, I’ll always be proud of you.”
Jared nodded along, letting Jensen get it out. “Jensen, I know. First billing, first to sell out ops at a con- none of that’s ever mattered to us.”
“Exactly,” Jensen whispered. “Remember that.”
“What’s going on?” Despite himself, all sorts of thoughts were going through Jared’s head, dark and unwanted.
“I think…”
He squeezed Jensen’s hand tightly, holding his breath.
“We should take a break.”
Jared froze- suddenly, it was Jensen’s hand tightening around his.
“We… What?”
“Don’t make me say it again,” Jensen begged, closing his eyes.
“You think… We should take a break?” He asked weakly. “Like… From each other?”
Jensen nodded.
“Why?”
“Because…” Jensen took a deep breath, like he was preparing to give out rote answers. “We’ve never been apart for more than two weeks at a time. Now… We’re gonna be a country apart. For months.”
“So?” Jared shook his head. “We can manage.”
“I’m not saying-” Jensen bit his lip, eyes darting away like he was searching for words. “I think we should give ourselves time to settle into the swing of things individually. So that, when things get hard, we can rely on each other as just friends instead of resenting each other for not putting enough effort into maintaining a relationship.”
“Jensen, that’s… I don’t understand.” Jared felt lost, unmoored. “Why would we need this?”
Jensen took a deep breath. “Honestly, Jay? I’m scared,” he said softly. “I’m scared that when we start missing each other’s calls, when I’m too tired to even think about calling you, or when you’re so drained from your double-duty that you fall asleep on me, and the only updates we get on each other are day-old texts and Twitter… I’m afraid we’ll start to blame each other. And that’ll grow and fester and get worse until a part of us starts to hate each other.”
“That would never happen,” Jared argued weakly. “We’re in the same business, we’d understand…”
“Jared, we’ve been lucky for 15 years,” Jensen said, sighing. “Literally, it’s been a miracle. We’ve barely had to work to maintain this relationship, because it’s so easy, effortless, when we’re literally a stone’s throw apart. I don’t wanna push that luck when the distance grows.”
A part of Jared knew, upsettingly so, that Jensen was right. But another part of him, small and hateful, couldn’t help but ask, “Is there someone else?”
Jensen stared blankly for a few seconds. Then he stood, moving around the table, and kissed Jared hard. Jared clung to him, kissing back desperately, wishing it was enough to keep himself and Jensen anchored together.
“I will never, ever, ever,” Jensen whispered against his mouth. “Even look at or think about anyone else other than you. Understand?” He nipped at Jared’s lips, fingers twisting into his hair. “You’re it for me, Jay, you’re everything. Always.”
“Then why?” Jared pleaded, voice breaking. “Why are you-”
“I’m not leaving you,” Jensen refuted before Jared could voice it. He pulled back, just enough to force their eyes to meet. “I am not leaving you.”
“What do you call this then?”
“Jared, I-” He took a sharp frustrated breath, as if he couldn’t find the words. “I need… I’m not good at adapting. I hate change. And with this… With all this, I need to find my own footing before I can be what you need.”
A simple explanation- sweet, even. It only made Jared’s own fear grow: what if Jensen found his footing and decided he didn’t need Jared? It was a chilling thought. If it came to that, could Jared really be so selfless as to let him go without a fight? What happened when Jared needed someone to lean on? Where was the line between ‘on a break’ and ‘broken up’?
“Jared?”
He swallowed, trying to find the courage that would make this easier. “How long?”
Jensen had his answer ready. “Six months. Long enough for us to settle down, get comfortable.”
Six months. Long enough for a lot of things to happen.
“Jared, don’t think-”
Their phones rang at the same time with a reminder. The online panel was starting in a few minutes.
“You take the bedroom,” Jensen offered in a rush. “You’ve got your laptop- I’ll stay out here. Walls are pretty thick anyway.”
Jared stood, feeling numb as he slid out of Jensen’s space and hurried into the bedroom. That was a mistake- stepping in here suddenly meant a flashback of all the times they’d crashed in this very room, sometimes in the midst of frantically pulling off clothes, sometimes too exhausted to do more than curl up against each other.
“Jared?”
He glanced back through the door, where Jensen was still standing at the table. “Bet who’s gonna slip up first about where we are?” He offered tentatively, a pained smile flirting at the corner of his lips.
Jared wanted to tease back, wanted to give Jensen the reassurance he was looking for, wanted to take the comfort that Jensen was offering. But the words got stuck behind the lump in his throat- he gave a small shake of his head and closed the door.
The panel couldn’t end soon enough. Jensen was standing before he’d finished closing his laptop. He had to see Jared, he had to… What else could he even say?
When he knocked on the bedroom door, it opened in a second. Jared stood with a stiffness to his shoulders, eyes downcast and knuckles white around his laptop. “I should go home.”
“Stay,” Jensen requested.
“Why?”
Jensen stepped into the room more, Jared stepping back to maintain distance. Jensen didn’t let that faze him. He carefully took the laptop from Jared’s hands, moving around him to place it on the desk again. Jared, seemingly despite himself, moved with him, watching through lowered lashes. Jensen moved closer and wrapped his arms around Jared’s neck to keep him in place, forehead resting against his collarbones.
“Please stay,” he whispered, and the tremor in his voice matched the ones starting to run through Jared’s body.
“Why?” Jared asked bitterly, his hands stubbornly clenched at Jensen’s hips, like he wanted to pull away but couldn’t make himself.
“Because we’ve only got two months left together,” Jensen reminded. “And I want to make the most of them.”
“You want six months of a ‘break’,” Jared shot back, almost sneering. “Well, you can take the extra two to get used to it.”’
“No,” Jensen said immediately, pressing closer.
“Jensen-”
He pulled back from the hug, just enough to look up at Jared. “I need you with me. As long as possible.”
“Then why are you hurting me?!” He asked, voice pitching higher.
“You think this isn’t hurting me too?” Jensen demanded. “Do you have any idea how scared I am that you won’t want me anymore when you start spending more time with other people?”
His words seemed to give Jared pause, but only for a second. “I hate this,” he whispered. “I hate this, Jensen, it’s- it’s too fucking painful.”
Jensen closed his eyes at the last admission. “I know. I hate it too, Jay. But I-” He took a deep breath. “I need to know who I am without Supernatural, without you…”
“I know who you are!” Jared’s eyes were welling up, and Jensen had to furiously blink back his own tears. “I know exactly who the fuck you are, Jensen!”
“I don’t,” he replied simply.
Jared closed his eyes, a sob escaping, and Jensen couldn’t stop himself- he cupped his face, pulling him down into a kiss.
Jared resisted, a muffled curse against Jensen’s lips.
“Please,” Jensen murmured, leaning against him almost completely, fully confident that Jared would support his weight.
“Why?”
“To prove this isn’t the end.”
“Isn’t it?” Jared asked bitterly.
The question sent ice through Jensen’s veins. “It can’t be,” he replied brokenly, and gave an insistent tug at Jared’s shirt, lips pressed to his jaw. “Jared, please.”
For another moment, Jared resisted, shaking from the effort of it. Then he kissed back harshly, almost angrily, and Jensen gave a soft moan, content to give up the reins that Jared so rarely took.
And take he did- in a matter of seconds, Jared had pushed Jensen onto the bed, fingers bruisingly tight around his waist, teeth sinking into his neck. Jensen tipped his head back, hooking one leg around Jared’s hips to tug him even closer.
Jared growled at the movement, suddenly pinning Jensen’s wrists in one hand, reaching for the lube with the other. Jensen didn’t fight the restraint, didn’t push back, and just waited breathlessly.
Jared’s eyes never left his, almost burning through him as long fingers pressed into Jensen, just a little too rough. Jensen welcomed the pain with a choked gasp, tilting his hips up to give Jared the room. He knew before it happened that Jared wouldn’t waste time stretching him properly, would fuck him a touch too soon- good. Jensen didn’t want carefulness or gentleness.
This was a ‘goodbye’, of sorts, and he wanted it to hurt.
The head of Jared’s cock pressed to his hole for a moment, blunt and thick, then thrust in. Jensen cried out, not even trying to muffle himself, eyes falling shut as Jared fucked him almost cruelly.
His grip on Jensen’s wrists had loosened- he reached up, fingers scrabbling for a hold, slipping against the sweat beading between Jared’s shoulders blade. Jared leaned down to suck at his pulse, angling his hips. Jensen’s own cock jerked against his stomach, painfully hard, but he ignored it, gasping out some semblance of Jared’s name, feet hooking at the small of his back to push him in more.
“Fuck,” Jared gasped, his own eyes squeezing shut. “Jens-”
“Please,” Jensen begged and Jared looked at him again, gaze dark and bottomless.
“Please,” he repeated, softer.
Jared’s forehead pressed to his, as he came inside Jensen with a silent groan. He reached down, wrapping a hand around Jensen’s cock, and Jensen bridged the tiny gap between them, kissing Jared’s slack mouth as his own orgasm followed.
When they caught their breaths, the world still seemed hazy, unreal, and there was salt on Jensen’s tongue- Jared was crying.
Jensen hated himself, even through his own tear-blurred vision. “I love you," he whispered, tucking Jared's hair back.
"Liar," Jared accused. It was baseless, of course, out of petulance, but it made Jensen's jaw clench. He tugged sharply at Jared's hair in reprimand.
"I. Love. You." He bit at his jaw. "Do you understand that? I love you. Always, no matter what."
Jared shook, almost completely limp on top of Jensen. "Promise me," he choked out. "Promise we'll be back together in six months."
Jensen smiled as comfortingly as he could. "We'll be back together, Jay," he swore in a hushed voice. "I could never stay away from you too long."
Jared sniffled, but nodded in acceptance. Slowly, the tension seeped out of his frame.
Jensen kissed the side of his head, hands smoothing over those broad shoulders whose strength he'd always admired. "Jared," he said softly. "You should know- the best part of the last 15 years for me?"
"Yeah?"
Jensen held him tighter. "You."