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Carina’s hands started to hurt after spending the last two minutes squeezing the steering wheel so hard her knuckles were white. She looked up at the building with apprehension, fear but mostly with sadness. She let go of the wheel with one hand to turn the ignition and drive off but she stopped midway and slowly exhaled the breath she had been holding. She was not going to leave. Not until she got what she came to look for. She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, frowning at the dry sensation. Carina definitely needed her shampoo. The one the hotel provided was awful even though it smelled nice. Yes, she could just buy another bottle of the brand she liked instead of coming to get hers from the apartment but why should she? It was her shampoo; she had the right to go get it. Her eyes then drifted to the sleeve of her coat. On her rush to pack her stuff almost a month ago –wow, had it been that long ago?– she only got to grab one of her coats, plus the one she was wearing. The winter was not over yet and only two coats were not enough, they didn’t match with some of her outfits. Yeah, she needed her coats too. Carina was not making excuses just to go to the apartment, okay? Stop judging.
The Italian ran a hand through her hair and finally opened the door, closing her eyes at the cold breeze that suddenly appeared. Securing the car, she made her way inside the building. Carina chose to take the stairs –not to make the way longer, of course not– and when she finally spotted that “7” on the outside of the door she just… froze. She didn’t know what to expect once she opened that door. The door to the place she once called her home but now she didn’t know if that was the case or if it would ever be again. Her keys clinked on her hand as she nervously played with them, urging her body to move in some way instead of just being paralyzed. Would Maya be there? She hadn’t been at the station during Carina’s shift at the clinic. She didn’t know what that meant though… Was Maya avoiding her or was she not going to work at all? She hadn’t asked Andy or anyone at the station and they didn’t mention her wife either. It was late but not that late so there was a possibility that Maya was not in the apartment. Maybe she was out running –«please, don’t be running», Carina thought– or maybe she was just… out.
Carina didn’t know which option was worse… to see Maya or to not see her. Walk into an empty apartment or confront Maya after so long of not seeing her, of not talking to her. After a month of not gazing into her clear blue eyes, as beautiful and profound as the ocean but that looked ice cold the last time –she stopped her mental ramble. But deep down, Carina could not deny the truth. She wanted to see Maya, she needed to see her, make sure with her own eyes she was okay. Not only alive, she knew she was but how she was doing was still a mystery her short voice message couldn’t solve.
"Puoi farlo. Devi farlo." She whispered to herself, willing her body to move towards the door and placing the key in the lock.
Carina didn't try to be quiet, going ahead and opening the door expecting that squeaky sound the hinges made. Maya was always saying she would grease them up but she never did and apparently she hadn't done it either in the time since Carina moved out.
The brunette breathed in, smelling the familiar scent she had come to associate with her wife –with her home– over the years, and exhaled a moment later, not wanting to get used to it again.
Carina closed the door behind her and took a few steps inside, shifting the keys from one hand to the other to place them in her bag.
Not even five seconds later, Maya emerged from their, uh… her –not that either–, her wife emerger from the main bedroom looking… cozy. Yeah, she looked cozy. «She looks better…» Carina thought. She was far from the shell of a person Maya was at the hospital. However, she didn't give the blonde the chance to say anything, speaking before her wife could even say hi.
"I'm just here to pick up a few things." Carina started, quickly shifting her gaze away from Maya, not knowing how she would react if she kept staring at her. "I can't use the hotel's shampoo anymore, it's awful." She stated, walking past Maya, grateful that the blonde moved out of the way on her own.
«You could have used the side door if you didn't want to walk by her», Carina's treacherous mind said as her eyes were drawn like magnets to the bed, noticing which side Maya was sleeping on. «Smettila», she chastised her own brain.
The Italian entered the bathroom, put her bag on the toilet seat and reached for the shampoo bottle but it was not in its usual spot inside the shower cabin.
"You could always come home." Maya said from the hallway. Even if she tried to hide it, Carina could still hear her voice shaking at the end of her request.
"Where's the shampoo?" She wondered out loud, not really expecting Maya to answer, as she started rummaging through the products and creams.
"I miss you," Maya kept going.
«I miss you, too», Carina wanted to say but she bit her tongue as she finally found that damned bottle being the hamper. «What is it doing there?»
"I left you a voicemail." The blonde insisted.
The brunette clenched her teeth. "Yes, I got it." She replied as she put the shampoo bottle in her bag, straightening herself before walking out of the room.
Still avoiding her wife's eyes.
"Did you listen to it?" The blonde pushed and Carina could hear a tinge of frustration thanks to her dry replies. «Now you know how it feels», she thought, regretting it immediately because she was not a vindictive person, especially towards someone she cared about so much. Even if that same person had hurt her with her sharp words before.
"Yeah." The steps as she walked to the closet were almost robotic, like she was on autopilot.
"I know I made mistakes and I know I scared you."
As she started grabbing her coats, Carina noticed Maya's voice getting slightly closer and also noticed how it almost broke on several occasions.
«You did more than scare me».
"I'm sorry. I love you… I'll be better."
I love you, I miss you and I can be better.
That's what Maya had said on that voicemail.
The words were seared on her brain as she listened to it over and over again after leaving the station that day.
What am I supposed to do now? Forget that? Am I supposed to trust you?
I don't know. I don't know. But I'm okay spending everyday trying to convince you to.
The similarities between her words then and now didn't escape Carina. And while Maya had honored those words, she stopped doing it at some point and it took Carina too long to notice.
Could she trust her again? How could Carina take Maya for her word when she had betrayed her trust more than once?
Teddy's words came to her mind too; If you love her forgive her.
But was love enough?
Carina didn't know.
"You said that." Carina acknowledged, turning around. «But they're just words». She continued piling her coats over her arm.
"I mean it."
«You meant it before, too, and look where it got us».
"I need more time." The brunette stated, taking a few steps to be able to look at Maya. She needed to look at her and she needed Maya to see her as well. Face to face."Seeing you like that, in a hospital bed…" She took a shaky breath as the memories of the last time she saw her wife came to her mind. The paleness of her skin, the dryness of her lips, the bags under her eyes, her beautiful eyes sunken, lifeless, until anger took over and all she could see in them was ice. "... What you did to yourself, I can't just jump right back into this with you like I didn't spend the greater part of my year begging you to get help."
If we're going to have a baby together, you need to get help.
But Maya kept refusing help, refusing her, refusing everyone who saw how bad things were getting, every time.
I'm sorry I haven't done everything on your timeline, Carina, I'm living in my own personal hell and my co-workers are now gossiping about me and my boss hates me and treats me worse than I was treated as a probie and now my wife can't have my back because she has suddenly decided that I am unstable, so no, I haven't researched therapists because I've been kind of busy with all of that.
Yet Maya wasn't the only one living in her own personal hell. Carina was too but Maya was too busy to care, her own problems were so big that Carina didn't matter.
And like she had told Vic a while ago, she wanted to matter.
I'm working through my anger and my pain in my way, if that makes you angry, if that hurts you, then you should work on that your way, but trying to control me, that's not gonna work for either of us.
Carina was tired of the gaslighting and the guilt trips.
Stop telling me what I need, okay, you don't know what I need!
She was tired of Maya accusing her of controlling her every time she rightfully asked her to get help.
"I'm happy for you… I am." Carina said as she started to make her way out, walking towards Maya. She was truly happy. She was also relieved and grateful she didn't have to bury another person she loved, but would it last? Or was this just a bandaid covering a bullet hole? "But this is just another thing you did to keep your job."
I want my job back, is that a crime?
Yeah… Maya's job was her baby. But what about their baby? Maya seemed to have forgotten about the baby she and her wife were trying to make but Carina didn't. She couldn't. She was not willing to.
The brunette didn't hear the door closing so she knew Maya had stopped it and was standing in the doorway, observing her as she walked away. She didn't look back. She couldn't. She was not ready and she honestly didn't know if she would ever be.