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Leon hurried through the corridors. Searching as fast as he could for the sorcerer that had only minutes before been threatening Arthur’s life in the council room but had fled when he couldn’t complete the job quick enough before the knights had also arrived for the meeting.
The one time Arthur is on time he gets his life threatened. Figures.
He couldn’t figure out where the sorcerer could have gotten to so quickly though. He’d gone out the door directly behind the sorcerer. He hurried past a alcove taking nothing more than a cursory glance in. He moved on but stopped when he realized he could hear sniffing… someone was crying. He doubled back to the alcove and took a better look inside and realized it was a servant’s stairway. He stepped in and looked around, sword still drawn but angled down. He looked around carefully and saw there was a space between the wall and the stairs that must’ve been a storage space at one time. He stepped in there cautiously, eyes adjusting to the dim light slowly. He finally saw… Merlin? Sitting on the floor sobbing almost silently.
“Merlin?” Leon asked sheathing his sword and hurrying over. He came up short when he saw the body and the blood on Merlin. “Merlin what happened here? Are you injured?”
Merlin jolted, shooting to his feet, “Leon? I- I- I’m fine.” Merlin said but edged backwards, away from Leon and away from the dim light that filtered in from the main corridor.
Leon knelt and rolled the body over, confirming his suspicions - it was the sorcerer. “Did he try and attack you?” He asked looking at Merlin. Something had snagged his attention, something wrong with the body, with the situation, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
Merlin hesitated a moment too long before nodding, “he did. Came at me with a dragger of some sort.” He said quietly.
“How did he die?” Leon asked looking at the body realizing there were no wounds on him. He was just dead.
“I shoved him. He fell and hit his head wrong.”
“So that blood is yours?” Leon asked alarmed now. He watched the expressions cross Merlin’s face. It was odd, he didn’t hold himself like he was injured. “Merlin?” He prompted when the younger man had been quiet for too long.
“Yes. It’s mine. He stabbed me.”
Leon stood quickly and went to approach but checked himself when Merlin shrank away from him. He stopped and held his hands up like he was soothing a startled horse, “easy Merlin, I won’t hurt you. But if you've been stabbed we need to get you to Gaius.” He said gently.
Wrong thing to say it seemed, “No!” He cried then realized how loud he’d been and lowered his voice, “no. Please. I’m fine. I can deal with it myself. It’s not that bad and I can’t… I can’t face Gaius. I can’t face the I told you so’s.”
Either Leon had hit his head or Merlin wasn’t making much sense. “No, Merlin, you’ve obviously lost a lot of blood and are confused. We need to get you looked after properly.”
Merlin shook his head, “Leon please. If… if you insist on know I’m looked after fine, take me somewhere with better lighting and I’ll look after it and you can see that I have. But please don’t take me to Gaius. But you should know, I know this castle better than anyone, even you. If you try and make me go to Gaius I will simply take off into the castle and look after it myself and you can wonder about me for the rest of the night.” Leon took in the set of Merlin’s jaw and knew there was no point arguing. It was true Merlin knew the castle better than anyone, it’s why he could always show up out of nowhere.
“Fine. You’ll come to my quarters. I have a small healing kit there that you can use and that way you can tell me what went down without us being interrupted alright?”
Merlin watched him warily, he looked like an animal caught in a trap, it was such an odd look to see one a usually cheerful face. It really didn’t belong. Especially not from Merlin towards Leon. Finally, after what seemed like ages Merlin relented with a nod and stepped forward, “fine. But we’re going a quieter way. No need for everyone to see me coated in blood.” He said.
He grabbed a torch from the stairwell and stepped through a door Leon never even noticed. Leon hesitated long enough to cough really loud to attract attention to the alcove, then ducked through the door and closed it behind himself. He followed Merlin down the narrow hallway. Merlin walked without hesitation despite the fact Leon could see the occasional drop of blood on the floor.
They wound through the hidden passages before stepping out of yet another inconspicuous door that Leon had walked by hundreds of times and never given a second thought. How had Merlin found these secrets of the castle. They were in the knight’s section. Merlin put the torch in an empty holder and motioned Leon on. Though Leon was sure it was only out of courtesy as he was certain Merlin knew exactly which room was his.
Opening the door Leon let Merlin walk in first, “have a seat. I’ll find the kit.” Leon said gesturing vaguely towards the table off to the side of the room.
He could have sworn he heard Merlin huff and mumble something but choose to ignore it. He shuffled through a few things in a cupboard before pulling out the small healing kit he had. And grabbed some spare candles. He lit them and set them on the table. “Ok so where were you stabbed?”
Merlin looked at him, “I really can do this myself. It’s not a big deal. It’s pretty well stopped bleeding now. I can just go.”
“No. You said you’d have it treated so I could see that you were ok so long as I didn’t try to take you to Gaius. So, here we are, against my better judgment, not with Gaius.”
“It… he stabbed me in the shoulder. It went all the way through. But it missed anything important. If it hadn’t I would already be dead.”
Leon could barely comprehend this, how was kind, gentle Merlin sitting here having a conversation so calmly after being stabbed clean through the shoulder? He didn’t really sound like Merlin either, he still had that trapped animal look to him and he sounded… defeated. “It sound still be washed off and bound. If you’ll allow me I will help you. It’s on your dominant side so it’ll be difficult to deal with yourself.” He forced himself to be calm despite the million thoughts and questions thundering in his mind.
Merlin tensed. “I’d rather do it myself.” He said then added in an undertone Leon likely wasn’t meant to hear, “wouldn’t be the first time.”
Choosing to ignore the second part Leon asked what he hoped would be an easy question, “why don’t you want me to help?” He asked gently.
Or not an easy question, Merlin cringed and seemed to give his answer more consideration that Leon thought strictly necessary, “I… I don’t like anyone to see me without my shirt on.” He said looking away.
“It’s just me Merlin. Whatever reason you have I think we can set aside in the face of you needing medical attention. I’m sure someone has seen you without a shirt before?”
“Well… yes, Lance and Gaius. There we go. If you get Lance he can help me and it’ll be ok.” Merlin said almost pleadingly.
“Lance is on duty in the lower town for another five hours. So that leaves me or Gaius.”
Merlin suddenly looked like he was going to cry.
“So, you’re trying to tell me that Gwaine hasn’t seen you without your shirt?” He asked.
Merlin’s head shot up again and he looked at Leon with wide slightly panicked eyes.
Also the wrong thing to say it would seem. Shit he was bad at this. “It’s ok Merlin. I’ve known for a long time. I’m not going to say anything.”
“No. He hasn’t. Despite what you know about us.”
Leon frowned then but nodded, “Ok. Well, regardless. Merlin, please let me help you. Now you know that I can keep secrets, so whatever it is that you don’t want people to see I won’t mention it. Not even to you after this if you don’t want me to.”
He was still on the verge of tears, Leon could tell, “don’t make promises you can’t keep Leon. Once you see you’ll have too many questions not to bring it up and… and if you get the answers you’ll never look at me the same way again. You’ll never trust me again, and you’ll regret helping me.”
“No, Merlin. I would never regret helping you. After all you’ve helped all of us so many times. I could never regret looking after you for once.”
Merlin gave him a weak smile. “Fine. If that’s what you think.” He said quietly, “I’ll let you see and I will answer your questions honestly. But do me a favour?”
“Ok?”
“Take your sword off and put it on the other side of the room from the door.”
Bewildered, Leon complied and put his sword in the furtherest corner of the room from the door and where Merlin sat. Merlin removed his shirt wincing as his injury pulled and started bleeding a little. At first all Leon could look at was the sheer amount of blood on Merlin’s body, his dark shirt had hidden how bad it was but now against his pale skin he looked worse than some corpses he’d seen.
Next he noticed the scars. Merlin’s body was littered with them. He had more scars than half the knights combined. Biting back his questions he went to the fire and picked up the bowl of water he had warming there and brought it over, “I’m going to clean off the blood so we can see what we’re working with alright?” He asked softly.
Merlin looked over his injured should at Leon, he could see the shock on the other man’s face. He nodded mutely giving his permission. Picking up a cloth and dampening it he began removing the fresh and dried blood from Merlin’s body, his only reward was uncovering even more scars. He tried to wrap his mind around the one on his lower back, it looked suspiciously like a serket sting. But no one every survived those and Merlin had never been off work due to an attack like that.
Once he finished removing the blood from Merlin’s back he moved around him to start on his front. He paused when he saw the look of sorrow on Merlin’s face, his eyes closed, head bowed ever so slightly. He saw a large burn that radiated out from the centre of his chest but he didn’t look for long he made himself ignore that as well and work at removing the blood from Merlin’s chest as well.
“Ok. Well it was obviously a slender blade he used, so there isn’t much damage. I’m not much of a healer but if I remember the battlefield training I received this should be fine to just bandage with stitches.” He said.
Merlin looked up at him then glanced down at the injury then twisted slightly glancing at the matching wound out the back of his shoulder before nodding, “yes, that will work.” He said quietly. He allowed Leon to wrap the bandages around his shoulder giving pointers occasionally on how it should wrapped and if it was tight enough.
He looked at Leon expectantly once they were done dealing with the injury. He started to squirm though when Leon didn’t speak right away. “Ok. Come on, Leon. You can’t pretend you don’t have questions.”
“I do. I have too many. I don’t know where to start.” He said, he pulled out a chair and sat as well, partly in hopes that if he was sitting down it might put Merlin more at ease. Also he wasn’t really sure he was prepared for the answers to come and would rather face them already sitting down.
“Then just ask something. I’d rather get this over with. I don’t want to drag it out too long.”
“How do you have this many scars and yet never take any time off work?”
Merlin watched him carefully and Leon saw the very moment that Merlin decided to just throw all caution to the wind, the moment that the resignation filled his eyes and he gave a half hearted smile, “magic.”
Leon cringed, “Merlin, that’s not funny. Let’s drop the treasonous jokes for a little while. You said you’d give me honest answers.” He said, despite his mind telling him that this was the truth, his heart didn’t want to believe it.
“How I wish it was just a joke. I’d give you a demonstration but I’m exhausted. The fight with Ben then losing all that blood has taken it out of me.”
“Ben…? The sorcerer that attacked Arthur?” Leon asked, latching onto that fact instead of Merlin’s admission.
“Yes, his name was Benjamin. I thought I could help him. But I couldn’t. I failed and Arthur nearly paid the price. So I killed Ben.” Merlin said quietly, he sounded like he was discussing the weather not murder. And yet… yet there was an underlying pain there. He was staring down at his hands. “I didn’t simply push him though. I threw him against the wall hard enough that it killed him. I murdered one of my own people.”
Leon didn’t know how to handle this news. On one hand, this was Merlin sitting in front of him and was clearly in pain. But on the other hand, this was a stranger who was covered in scars and was comfortable with killing people and Leon was sure this wasn’t the first time.
“Come on Leon. You know what you have to do now.” Merlin said, he sounded exhausted. He pulled his shirt on and tied his neckerchief once more. Neither one had any indication of blood that had been coating them only moments before. “There you go. A little proof of my claims. That was about all I could manage. Now, I don’t want to die but I won’t fight you Leon. I know you have to arrest me now. It’s your duty to turn me in. Now is pretty well your only opportunity though. If you wait too long my magic will return and will react to protect me whether I want it to or not.”
Leon shook his head slowly at first then more insistently as Merlin spoke, “no. Just. Just stop for a minute and let me get my head around this.” He said rubbing his face.”Why would you learn magic Merlin? Why would you choose this when you know it’s illegal here?” He asked after a moment.
Merlin let out the most bitter and broken laugh Leon had ever heard. “As if I had any choice. Leon, I never learned it. I was born with it. I could move things with my mind before I could crawl. I never chose this power, it chose me. I came here to learn control. I had no other options. If I did I wouldn’t have come here, somewhere that I am despised for simply existing.” He said. “I’m going to die anyway so you may as well hear it all.
“I have done so much for the wreck of a Kingdom. I have saved it over and over and over. Using my magic to protect it because for some stupid reason I give a shit about the very that would see me and my kind dead. That would see me burn for existing. The people who try say are my friends are the same ones I have to stand back and watch as they butcher my people. I stand there a listen to them rant on about how evil I am. Oh sure none of you know you’re also talking about me but these fucking scars are a testament to my stupidity.” He shook his head but was clearly not done.
“It shows just what I allowed to happen to me to protect this stupid backwards kingdom and the people in it. I have been kidnapped, beaten, tortured and poisoned. Nearly murdered repeatedly. I have murdered my own people for the sake of a King that would see me dead if he found out who I am. Hell, I even fought to keep his father alive. And I still have to put up with being called useless, lazy and a drunk. You know, I’ve never even been to the tavern except the times we have all gone? I’m too busy stopping the nearly weekly assassination attempts.
“Yes I said weekly. You knights only hear about the ones that hit on a large scale. You don’t see the ones that are truly smart. Oh no. I get the lovely task of dealing with those ones myself. And all the while I am a traitor to the people like me that I should be protecting. Like Ben, his family was murdered because they possessed magic. All they ever did with it was help heal those who needed it. But they were reported and killed. Ben only escaped because he was out that day. He came home to them all dead. I wanted to help him but I couldn’t and it nearly got Arthur killed and for some reason that means more to me than my own kind.” Merlin was breathing heavily now, all of that coming out nearly as one very long sentence. He wiped at his eyes, the tears that had been threatening for a while now beginning to fall.
Leon just stared at him. He didn’t know what he could say to comfort him. How could he say anything to someone that he had unknowingly caused so much pain.
“GO ON! SAY SOMETHING TO THAT LEON!” Merlin yelled at him, the tears streaming down his face gave away the sadness he truly felt, but it was like he was trying for a negative reaction.
“What is there for me to say Merlin? I’m sorry? That hardly cuts it. I don't know what I can say to you. That was a lot of information to have thrown at me all at once and I don’t think there is much I can say to cover what I am thinking right now.” Leon said, keeping his calm despite Merlin’s rage and pain. “I can’t even begin to imagine what you have had to put up with every moment since coming here. I can’t thank you either. Even though I do owe you my gratitude it also feels wrong to thank you for doing something you clearly wish you hadn’t.”
Merlin stared at him, his shoulders shook with the silent sobs, “that’s the worst part Leon. I don’t regret the things I’ve done. I would do it all over again to protect all of you. I would destroy myself in a million ways if it meant you were all safe. It doesn’t matter that I have this blood on my hands when I know that you’re all safe. My hands maybe forever stained and my soul blackened but you’re all safe so I would make the same choices again and again if I had to.” He looked down. “I would make the same choices again even though they lead me to becoming a monster.”
“Now that I can say something to. Merlin, you are not a monster. You have made decision that weigh on you. I can see that but you aren’t a monster no matter how you slice it. If you want to blame someone, blame Uther for creating the fear, or the sorcerers that continue to attack Arthur even though he no longer actively hunts them. That have never given him any reason to think that his father was truly wrong about magic. But you are not a monster. You are not evil. If it had been anyone else I had found in that hallway covered in blood beside a body, who then proceeded to admit to having magic I would have done exactly what you thought I was going to do. I would have arrested them. But this is you that we’re talking about and if you can have magic your whole life and still be the person I know you to be then it isn’t all evil. I trust you. Always have and this just proves you all the more.
“Again you are not evil in any sense of the word. You are not a monster. I want you to understand that. And anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is trying to mess with you for their own gain.”
Merlin stared at him, his eyes so haunted and sad that Leon wondered at all the things Merlin must have seen not even considering the things they had faced together. “You seem far too ok with this.”
“I will admit I am a little freaked out. I have after all been raised to believe the same things as Arthur but like I said I know you well enough that I have no choice but to accept that you’re still you and I can still trust you. What I want you to understand is your secret is safe with me. I assume that by your earlier answers that Lance and Gaius know?”
He watched Merlin considered the question before nodding slightly, “Gaius knew when I came to live with him. It was why my mother sent me to live with him. She didn’t know what to do to help me. And Lancelot found out because I helped him to defeat the Gryphon the first time he turned up. It could only be killed with magic. So I did the spell but he did the actual killing.” He said finally.
Leon nodded, “but Gwaine doesn’t know?”
“No. Lance and Gaius are the only ones.”
“That… that sounds lonely. Especially since Lancelot was banished for so long. I am glad that I know now.”
Merlin looked down at his hands, “I am too. Terrified. But glad. I mean it will make protecting Arthur all that much easier on patrols…”
“About that… all those times you teased him about saving his life?”
“Not a joke. I meant it every time. I started saving his life within a week of being here and haven’t stopped since. Like I said he has more attempts on his life then anyone I’ve ever heard of.”
“So during attacks all those people that randomly get knocked out or something?”
“That’s me. I mean, it’s not like I’m given anything to protect myself with. Honestly I don’t know how none of you worked it out sooner. I mean anyone else would have been dead within seconds of going on a hunt or patrol with you lot.”
Leon conceded that point with a nod, “I suppose yes, they would be. Now that you’ve put it like that I do feel a little ridiculous not seeing it sooner. I notice most everything else but not this?” He shook his head and smiled, “regardless at least you will have one less person to worry about trying to hide from and I want you to know that you can come and ask me for help.”
Merlin smiled slightly, “I’m not very good at asking for help…”
“So I have noticed. But don’t forget. I’m First Knight. I have a lot more sway for getting you what you need. I’m sure it will turn out to be helpful at some point.”
“I’m sure it will be. Thank you Leon. And the fact that you know now won’t ever get out if my secret does. I won’t throw you to the wolves.”
Leon nodded a little but didn’t really say much to that, he knew he would fight for Merlin if it ever came to that.
“Will… will you tell me about it?” Leon asked.
“About what?”
“I mean I would like to know everything. But first about today? And… Ben?”
Merlin deflated a little and looked down. “I was dealing with an issue outside of the city a few days ago.” He started.
“So that’s why you were missing. So all those times you were supposedly in the tavern?”
Merlin rolled his eyes hard enough it must’ve hurt, “I have Gaius to thank for that brilliant cover story. I’ve been out dealing with something with magic so Arthur couldn’t know. Anyway, I came across Ben, he was injured and I helped him as best I could. For all my magic I haven’t had the time to study the healing magics. They take a long time to master. Time I just don’t have. So I did what I could and brought him to Gaius. Gaius didn’t want to help him. Said it was too much of a risk to have him in the city but I insisted. So Gaius healed him. Ben was supposed to leave today but I guess instead he attempted to kill Arthur.
“After he escaped you lot he found me in the corridor and I pulled him into that alcove and asked what happened. He told me and tried to convince me to join him and go with him. When I refused…” Merlin looked down, “He called me what I am. He attacked me with the knife. I didn’t mean to kill him but my magic reacted and because I was injured it reacted stronger than I thought it would. I threw him into the wall and he didn’t move after that.” There was a dullness to his eyes that Leon didn’t know how to address.
“I wish I could ease this for you Merlin but I know there is nothing I can say to help. After all I should be an enemy in your eyes and yet I’m not. It’s not easy and it won’t be. But I want to help you anyway I can.” He assured him again. “Will you tell me the rest? Or at least some of it? After all I’ve been with you through so much and yet now I know there was an entire layer to it that I was blind to. I’d like to know what incredible things you’re capable of. And what on earth possessed you to stay in the first place.”
Merlin smiled, “Well, I didn’t want to. I mean my introduction to the city was an execution. I was debating if I should actually stay. But I had travelled all this way and may as well actually meet Gaius. So I started working for him first but when that woman tried to kill Arthur I slowed time a little and saved him. I mean that was after he nearly killed me a few times.”
Leon chuckled, “if I remember correctly you did insist on insulting him. And agreed to fight him. Wait- you used magic that day. That’s how you managed against him for so long.” Leon said making the connection. “What were you thinking?! Using it right in front of the Prince like that?” He asked horrified.
Merlin groaned, “now you sound like Gaius. I thought it was funny and at the time I had no purpose for my magic beyond having fun with it. Anyway. I found out about a prophecy…” he told Leon everything. All of it. Even the things he hadn’t been able to speak of to Lancelot. It felt good to get it out. To admit to all the things he had done and failed to do. It was close to midnight when he finally finished speaking of everything. Leon was stunned to say the least but took it all in stride. He realized that any lingering fear of Merlin he had felt had faded to nothing after this.
Even though he had more reasons to fear the most powerful being he had ever encountered he also knew that power was there to do good in the world. He smiled at Merlin and watched him walk out. Despite knowing everything the other man had endured it still shocked him to see Merlin move with no hint of pain.
The next day Leon spotted Merlin and watched him walking beside Arthur, he waited for the moment his instincts would kick in and demand he protect his King from the sorcerer that walked at his side. He was obviously teasing him about something if Arthur’s posture was anything to go by. But those instincts never came and he just smiled. He was sure he wasn’t imagining that Merlin seemed lighter than he had in ages.
Merlin caught Leon’s eye from across the courtyard and grinned at him and winked. The sweet smelling breeze that wrapped around him would have been enough of a hint but he saw the flash of gold in the other man’s eyes and knew he was using his magic in plain view yet again.
Leon heaved a sigh and debated resigning his position, he wasn’t sure his heart could handle the stress of watching Merlin flaunt this power so openly but he supposed he didn’t have much choice in the matter anymore.
He shook his head, despite the knowledge he knew would now cause him immense amounts of stress he wouldn’t want to give it up. Not when Merlin seemed so happy to have someone else in on it. Having that burden lessened by sharing it. Knowing that he has another person on his side that can help him.
No. No matter his stress he wouldn’t trade it for anything.