Work Text:
He can't stop casting them in every role he sees.
Fifth Avenue. Two people cross the street. Man with big ears. Woman with big hair. Arms linked. She looks up at him. Laughs. Sun hits hair. Strikes him, she's beautiful.
What if that were us, Dan thinks. What if he were me and she were her, and what if we walked down Fifth and I made some stupid joke and she grabbed my arm and looked up at me and laughed so hard her gums showed. What if that were us.
Home Depot. Two thirty-somethings in the paint aisle. "You're colorblind, Dean, colorblind! We are not painting our bathroom Forest Jasper!" "Well, we're not painting itSummer's Kiss either!" She huffs. His lips purse. They'll paint it Vanilla Creme.
What if that were us, Dan thinks. What if he were me and she were her, and what if we argued about paint color in the Home Depot so Hello My Name is Jerry had to come over and ask us if there's anything he can do to help, and in the end we're both grumpy but at least we're grumpy together. What if that were us.
Coffee-shop. Two grad students. Early morning, they've been up all night. Not tired. She nudges his hip. He bumps her shoulder. "I think I'll get the Caramel Cream Macchiato," he says. "You sure?" she replies. "Maybe you should go with something sugar-free--I think you're getting a bit of a pooch there." She pokes his stomach. Grins. He acts offended. Orders black, no cream no sugar and certainly no caramel.
What if that were us, Dan thinks. What if I was in med school and she was in law school and I got stressed over my midterms and consoled myself with junk food during an all-nighter and she teased me about my pooch but secretly liked that it was something to hold onto. What if that were us.
Waterfront bench. Pretzel. Old man, old woman. They don't talk. They share the pretzel. They smile. He puts his arm around her frail shoulders. The ocean mumbles in the background.
What if that were us, Dan thinks. What if we were old and our children never called except on Christmas but we were all right in the end, because we still had our soft pretzels and we ate soft pretzels on our first date, sitting here on this very bench, didn't we darling? What if that were us.
He hates that he thinks like this. As if it isn't bad enough already that he's gone and written them into a book, assigned them the roles so clear and simple it's not even a stretch, and she still doesn't want him. As if it's not enough. Now he has to go and search for them in everything he sees, and he can't stop, can't stop--it's like an infection, once it starts it spreads and soon he's thinking about them all the time, and the stupidest part is that there isn't a them, there isn't an us, she said so herself.
But that doesn't stop him.
1.
He goes and he re-watches them all, every single movie she ever made him see. And of course he's doing it again, he's slapping Dan and Blair and Blair and Dan like an inkless stamp on every pair of characters. Fuck, he's even doing it to the ones that don't make any sense (What if she was a sassy small-town girl on vacation with her family and I was a long-haired dance instructor and she had moves and then--no, no, seriously, no).
But when it does make sense (at least to him, in whatever fucked-up, twisted head-reality he has going on right now), that's when he can't stop obsessing over it, re-watching the movie three times a day and thinking about the characters before he goes to sleep at night and rooting through the special features trying to find some evidence of Dan and Blair, Blair and Dan, even when the goddamn film came out fifty years before they were born.
Take Casablanca, for example. Woman married to good and noble man with high political aims, but no true depth (Louis Louis Louis Louis Louis). Woman reconnects with old flame. Said flame is complex. Said flame invokes passion, rich emotion, intricate thought. Woman and said flame must part in the end. Woman returns to good and simple husband.
(See, that's the only way Dan can possibly allow himself the role that was once Humphrey Bogart's, is if in the end even the passion and the fire and the Humphrey Bogart-ness doesn't matter, doesn't mean anything at all, because she picks the other guy.)
Dan wants to believe--he desperately wants to believe--that he is Rick Blaine and she is Ilsa Lund, because that would just make things so simple, wouldn't it? He would sit down and watch the film whenever her was feeling Blairish (that's a new word he's come up with to describe whatever fucked-up, twisted head-reality he has going on right now), yeah, he'd sit and watch the film and think to himself,Yep, that's us. Best move on now, and be done with it. And of course, yes, sure, maybe he'd remember just a little bit the time she'd dragged him to the tiny black-and-white theatre on the Upper West Side (gasp!) and they'd been the only ones there and he could feel her warm, Blairish arm almost-just-barely touching his on the armrest, and hear her petite red lips smacking popcorn one kernel at a time, and she'd turned to him and said, "See, Humphrey? Maybe after this you'll have at least some remote sense of quality cinema." And she'd looked so smug in the dark, and for once (maybe not for once), he thought that smug
suited Blair Waldorf just fine.
But it's not (that simple), and they're not (Rick and Ilsa), because, for one thing, he isn't an old flame. He isn't even a flame at all--he's Humphrey. Maybe not even that anymore.
2.
He has to accept that he's doing this now, and that he's going to be doing it for an indefinite period of time, and with that acceptance comes a certain responsibility. He has to make sure that these wandering, unsolicited notions remain ... introspective, as opposed to ... extrospective. He realizes this as he's walking through Central Park with Nate, and he's looking at these two kids playing soccer, a boy and a girl, and he's thinking to himself, What if that were us--what if he were me and she were her, and what if we stayed out all afternoon playing soccer in the park and then we stayed out past bedtime, too, even though our helicopter moms were calling us repeatedly leaving sobbing voicemails on our phones, but we stay out anyway, not so much for the soccer but for the company. The one another of it all. What if it were really that simple. What if that were us.
Nate says,
"Dude, you're like--really out of it today. What's going on?"
Dan says,
"What? Oh, nothing, it's nothing."
Nate believes him (for the time being), but Dan can't let something like this happen again or he'll be in deep shit. Especially if it happens around Serena, because she's not so easy-going as Nate and she'll know in an instant. He's not the only one who's ever felt Blairish.
And it most certainly definitely not under any circumstances ever can happen around Blair. Not just for the obvious reasons (the herness of the situation), but also because if he finds out he's mentally casting her as Audrey Hepburn, she'll just about die of happiness.
It was the most obvious choice, really, once all this started. Breakfast at Tiffany's was one of the first (okay, the first) movie on his re-watch list.
Independent, lonely woman lives alone in the Big Apple. Wears expensive clothes. Keeps destructive habits. Sings sad songs about olden time that remind Dan of Tom Sawyer for some reason (maybe it was the Huckleberry friend thing, maybe it was that, yeah). Woman meets writer. Woman and writer live. Writer loves. Woman tries not to. Woman marries foreign millionaire (Louis Louis Louis Louis Louis). Woman pretends to love foreign millionaire. Writers gets angry. Woman ceases denial. Woman and writer kiss in the rain.
If Blair ever found out--God, he'd never hear the end of it. "I always knew it would come to this someday," she'd say, sticking her nose up in the air with a self-satisfied smile. "Lonely Writer Boy pining after his Holly Golightly. So predictable, Humphrey." And she'd be so pleased with herself, her life complete now that someone saw her as Audrey Hepburn.
But that won't happen, and she'll never hear of it, because it doesn't make sense anyway. And this is why (here stands Dan Humphrey's Attempt at Pragmatism):
1) Blair is not pretending to love her foreign millionaire. She doesn't just want him for his money. She doesn't just want him for his power, for his status. She doesn't just want him for (and here is where Dan's tripped up in the past) his safeness, his shelter from the absolute shitstorm that is her life. She isn't just kidding herself. She loves him.
2) She isn't trying not to love him (Dan, that is). She isn't pushing against some greater force, going all Blairish on him and thinking she can hold back the tides. She isn't fighting the inevitable. (He's the only one doing that.) She really, truly, honest-to-God just doesn't love him, and fuck if that doesn't hurt the most.
(Thus ends Dan Humphrey's Attempt at Pragmatism. It doesn't suit him well. Also, he tends to get things wrong.)
3.
Of all the heinous movies Blair forced him to watch, the one that required the most--well--force, so to speak, was Sex and the City.
"You honestly expect me to believe that this is a foray into good cinema, Blair? Seriously? You think this belongs up there with Last Tango in Paris and 3:10 to Yuma?"
Blair huffed defensively, her voice rising an octave. "I'll admit it's not so much must-watch material for our plight to correct Dan Humphrey's film taste--"
"--Definitely just your plight--"
"--but it is, however, a solid lesson in fashion sense, which, needless to say, you are lacking."
"So you're saying I should dress like Carrie Bradshaw?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Oh, just shut up and watch," Blair instructed, and she fell back against the futon cushions. ("Futon," she scoffed. "I can't believe I'm associating with someone who is in possession of a futon."
Blair liked Mr. Big. She didn't see why, but Dan thinks he might.
Dark. Mysterious. Emotionally unavailable. Rich. Absorbed with work. Powerful. Manipulative. Alluring. Desirable. Inconsiderate. Big.
"God, when he and Carrie are onscreen together, it's just like ... kaboom! Chemistry." (Dan's noticed that Blair gets less and less articulate with each glass of wine consumed.)
Blair explained that it was simply unjust if they just watched the movie and not the show, because the show was like, ten times better.
(They watched it. Every. Last. Episode. It took three weeks of hard-core dedication to their cause. Well, Blair, at least, had enough dedication for the both of them.)
And as for Dan? He likes Aidan.
Sweet. Charming. Smart. Caring. Upbeat. Not-conducive-to-destructive-habits.
They get into a heated debate over it once, and in retrospect Dan's sincerely glad Nate wasn't there to see him defend a character from Sex and the City with the passion and prose that he did that night.
"Blair, Aidan's good for Carrie. He gets her to stop smoking. He's always thinking of ways to make her happy. She feels content and safe whenever she's around him. Big pulls her down into this--this like--deep, dark place, and just because they have chemistry doesn't make up for the fact that he treats her like shit!"
"He doesn't treat her like shit," Blair spits, and wow they're both drunk, "He's just like--complicated! There's more to him than there is to Aidan. He's got a lot going on!"
If Blair ever knew what she was defending in Dan's mind, he's sure she'd clamp a hand over her mouth and mutter an obscenity.
At least, he hopes he's sure.
4.
Sometimes Blair likes to cast herself in other roles, too. Everyone does, really, just not as desperately or as thoroughly as Dan Humphrey does.
When she sat him down in the theatre room at the penthouse, turned out the lights and slid the DVD into the player, Dan squirmed uncomfortably on the stiff leather couch (it was modern, Blair said) and wondered, "Where are the bean bags? I thought bean bags were a prerequisite for a theatre room."
"Ha!" Blair snorted by way of response.
" ... So, um, what are we watching and why won't you tell me?" Dan prodded, plunging a large hand into the popcorn bowl and coming up with about half its contents in his palm. Just the way he liked it. (Just the way Blair hated it.)
She slaps his hand so a shower of kernels fall back into the bowl.
"You'll find out in like two seconds, just calm down."
"I don't understand why you won't just te--"
Sense & Sensibility.
"Oh God, Blair, I just--no. You already made me sit through Sex and the City, do we really have to--"
"Sit through? You totally loved it."
"That's--that's beside the point is," Dan huffed. "The point is--this is cinematic tyranny! You can't keep forcing me to watch incredibly girly movies without my say in it. I mean, it's--it's not fair."
"Oh, quit your whining, Humphrey. You could use some good old-fashioned culture in you, and who better to teach it than the nineteenth-century British? Nobody's more cultured than them."
"That may be true, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm not sitting through this with you!"
"You're still here, aren't you? And would you shut up? The beginning's actually really important."
"Blair, you can't--"
"Sh."
"I--"
"Sh."
"I just--"
"Sshh!"
He had no choice but to sshh.
Until fifteen minutes in, that is.
"Why Sense & Sensibility? Why not Pride & Prejudice? I thought Pride & Prejudice was the big one." (He didn't think, he knew. He'd read it. Twice.)
"Because this one's better."
" ... You just wish you were Kate Winslet."
"I do not! Besides, I'm more like her character
"Marianne?"
"Yes, Marianne."
"Oh come on Blair, you are not Marianne."
And remembering this now, of course he can't help but--
Overpassionate woman (yes) has oversensible sister (no). Good, high-ranking but tame blonde Snape (Louis, minus the Snape part) falls in love with overpassionate woman (yes). Overpassionate woman likes overpassionate man better (who was that supposed to be? Chuck? Dan?). Overpassionate man screws overpassionate woman over (half yes--Blair'd been screwed over plenty of times, sure, but not by an overpassionate man. Unless he's counting Chuck as Willoughby. Which he's not. Is he? Okay, he is now). Overpassionate woman finally sees sense and marries blonde Snape (yes). Meanwhile, oversensible sister gets it on with Hugh Grant.
Blair was most certainly not Marianne, Dan decided, because first off, where did he come in?--and then there was the fact that she really wasn't all that passionate, like, she didn't quote Shakespeare all the time or have her head in the clouds or anything. She was more an astute Elinor than a Marianne, except she didn't have a sister (unless you count Serena, in which case, yeah, Serena kind of was a good Marianne to Blair's Elinor. Just sub in any of her ultimately-backstabbing former beaus for Willoughby and you've got a match).
If anything, Blair was Emma Woodhouse (and yes, she'd made him watch that too. The Gwyneth Paltrow version). Clever, rich, beautiful, spoiled, oft-the-sayer-of-not-very-well-thought-out-things ... And Dan could fancy himself a Mr. Knightley, her intellectual equal, long-time friend and subduer.
Except, in the end, she--Emma--falls in love with the long-time friend. That was always the problem with Jane Austen: she gave Dan hope, and hours later he'd go to bed and remember that he wasn't Mr. Knightley, and Blair wasn't Emma, and the two of them weren't going to kiss in an English country garden and marry the next day in a quaint little chapel located in said country garden.
That's the problem with the ones that make sense--the Casablancas, the Breakfast at Tiffany's, the Sex and the Citys and the Emmas--they all seem so real for a while. At least until they don't anymore.
-
The thing about movies set in New York is that nobody ever gets it right. Everybody's trying to capture that elusive something, that New York aura, that inexplicable energy, and they try to do it with lingering shots of the Empire State Building and bird's-eye views of hoards of people surging down Broadway. What filmmakers don't understand is that that something they're looking for isn't in the city--it's in the people.
Only Woody Allen ever got it right.
Dan knows this time, with Annie Hall, that it doesn't really fit. Blair isn't much like small-town Annie, and Dan isn't much like neurotic Alvie (though getting closer and closer every passing day, what with this fucked-up, twisted head-reality he has going on right now), but he can't help watching it, over and over and over again.
New York is in the people, he decides, and Annie Hall proves it. He likes the way the story unfolds before his eyes, one piece at a time, and if he were a movie critic he'd call it lyrical (only he's not a movie critic, he's really, really not). He likes the way it ends, or more like the way it doesn't end. Whatever that means.
And this time he knows. He knows he isn't him and she isn't her, and he doesn't fall asleep at night thinking of Ilsa or Holly or Carrie or Emma--no, it's much worse than that. He falls asleep thinking of Blair.
5.
"Well?" she says expectantly, arms akimbo. "Aren't you going to whine and complain and talk the whole way through?"
"No, actually. I ... I like this movie."
"Oh you do, do you?" and she's genuinely surprised. "Daniel Humphrey likes the one and only Annie Hall. Well. That's a surprise. I never thought you had it in you, Humphrey."
He shakes his head and shrugs jokingly. "Well, I do. I mean, everybody likes Annie Hall."
"Are you kidding?" She snorts, looks at him like he's crazy. "Nobody does! I've tried to get everyone to watch this with me and no one would--Serena said it was too depressing, Nate said it was boring, Louis said he couldn't understand the Queens accents, Mom said she was busy and Chuck--" She stops short, her expressing slipping.
"Chuck what?" he braves.
" ... He said he didn't get the point of the movie."
"Well, that's the point."
"I'm sorry?"
Dan stops. Thinks. He's not really sure why Blair always stares at him while he's doing that. "The point is ... the point is that there isn't a ... point. No rising action. No climax. No linear plotline at all. It's just a story, of a man or of a woman or maybe of a man and a woman, depending on how you look at it. it just ... is. It's, you know ...Annie Hall."
Blair stares at him, mouth agape.
"What?" he asks, alarmed. "What is it?"
"Nothing, it's just--that's ... it. That's exactly it. I didn't think ... I didn't think anyone got it but me."
"Well, they do. Or I do, at least."
Blair smiles a little distantly, leans back against the couch cushions so her shoulder brushes his. This time she doesn't pull away.
"Yeah," she says. "Yeah, you do."