Chapter Text
“Hey Reid!” Morgan called when he entered the room.
Spencer reluctantly parted his gaze from the book in his hands and looked at our colleague instead.
“Yes?”
“Since you know everything else, I figured maybe you can tell me who the 1970 Oldsmobile in the garage belongs to.” Morgan questioned and I felt a smirk steal onto my face. “I’ve never noticed it before, so I was wondering.”
“The 442 Convertible?” Spencer asked, already knowing the answer.
Morgan nodded, and Spencer’s eyes shifted to me. When Derek’s gaze followed, surprise colored his features.
“That’s yours?” he asked and I shrugged. “I didn’t know cars like that were your thing.”
“Oh, Derek, my dear… There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me. Some, you might find out in time, others not. It’s what makes life interesting.” I said with a smirk.
“Guess so, sweetheart. But nice wheels.” he replied, reaching to ruffle my hair.
Without thinking, I ducked away and jumped up from my chair, flinching when I felt my blouse ride up my back. I hastily pulled it back down, hoping nobody had seen. I had always been chubby, and I thought I had learned to live with it. Mostly. But especially since I had become a full-time member of the BAU, I had gotten more and more insecure about my body. I had been on a few cases with them even before that, and while I may not have been specifically trained as a profiler, I was smart, and a good agent.
And then there was Rain, of course. My dog was law-enforcement trained, though she wasn’t in any canine unit. But she was a particularly good search dog and, more importantly, she liked Spencer. While other dogs tended to look at him funny for a moment and then start barking, she absolutely adored him. When I brought her to work and she saw him, she would always run up to him and demand a cuddle. It was the only time she ever broke protocol, and I let her, because I could relate. After all, I adored him as well. Once the news of Rain’s… fondness for Spencer had made its way around the Bureau, I had been permanently assigned to the BAU to make searches a little easier.
Since then, I had grown close to all of them. Morgan treated me as if I was his third, lost little sister. Reid… well, we had been good friends even before I joined the team, and we’d only grown closer since then. The thing was that a part of me, a very loud and annoying part, wanted to be more than just his friend. I tried to suppress that desire as best I could, but it was… difficult, to say the least.
Anyway, my body. My overflowing curves bothered me, and as much as I loved them, the fact that all my colleagues were insanely attractive didn’t exactly help me get over my own issues. I blushed and muttered something about having to talk to Garcia before storming off.
I closed the door to Penelope’s office behind me, admittedly with a little more energy than was probably necessary, and she jumped a bit before turning to look at me.
“F/N. Hey. What’s wrong, honey? Did something happen?” she asked, analyzing me as I leaned against the door.
“No. No, Penny.” I said, and she chuckled. “What?”
“You know you’re the only one who calls me that?”
“Oh.”
“I like it.”
I smiled a bit.
“Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?” she asked again with a concerned undertone.
“Yeah. I just needed a moment, and you’re always a balm.”
Before she could say anything in reply there was a knock and I stepped away from the door, allowing Hotch to poke his head into the room.”
“Garcia, we’re ready. L/N, you too.”
“Of course, boss.” we said simultaneously.
After Penny had presented the case and we’d brainstormed as usual, Hotch shut his file.
“Wheels up in forty. L/N?”
“Boss?”
“Where’s Rain?”
“Sharon from Payroll took her for a walk.”
“Good. Bring her.”
I nodded and turned to leave with the others, but Penny held me back.
“I know you said you’re okay, but… you know you can talk to me, right? About anything?”
I sighed before replying.
“I know.”
“Hey, what do you say we have a movie night when you get back? Safely, I hope. Just us and Rain. No guys allowed. Apart from Ben and Jerry, of course.”
“Sounds good. I’ll have to go and fetch Rain now, though.”
“Sure, sweetheart. Be safe. All of you.”
A light smile curved my lips.
“We’ll do our best, as always.”
“You were great, Spencer.” I told him while watching him scratch Rain’s neck and stroking her cream-colored fur.
He seemed to blush slightly, but maybe that was just the way the sun hit his features through the jet’s window on our way back to DC. Or my imagination. The others were huddled together on the other end of the cabin, planning a night out for when we landed. Except Hotch, who just wanted to be with his son. Spencer had declined, and I already had my plans with Penny.
“I didn’t do much. And it was only thanks to Rain that we actually found the kids in time.” he said.
“Always so humble.” I smiled, and his lips curved as well.
“I’m not trying to be humble, I was just doing my job.”
“I know. But still, you do that splendidly.”
We fell silent again, and I shifted my eyes back to his hands on Rain’s fur. Sometimes I almost fell into some kind of trance just looking at him. The way his hair fell into his face, how he lit up when he talked about something hardly anybody besides him would ever find interesting (although I tended to be captivated by everything he said, due to both a love for soaking up random facts and an ever-growing infatuation with the man who never seemed to run out of them). We sat in silence until the jet landed.
Penny and me were lounging on her sofa in our pajamas (she’d made it clear I was expected to stay for the night), Rain by my side with her head in my lap, each of us with a pint in our hand (the frozen, creamy, delicious kind, not the one-too-many-and-you’re-dancing-naked kind). I pulled the spoon from my mouth and hummed in satisfaction as the vanilla flavored treat melted on my tongue. Rain knew very well there were certain things she was not allowed to have, ice cream being one of them, but that didn’t stop her from giving me a look of reproach whenever I took a bite.
“What is it, Penny?” I asked, fed up with her watching me more than she did the screen.
She’d been doing that all evening and honestly, I found it a bit weird.
“Can I say something?” she asked, unusually reluctant.
“Just asked you to, didn’t I?”
“You did, but I don’t want to cross any lines.”
“Just spit it out, Penny.”
“Fine.” she huffed. “When are you going to tell Reid you’re in love with him?”
I flinched so much that I nearly fell off the sofa, and Rain looked at me accusingly.
“W-what? I’m not.” I protested.
“Please. I’ve seen the looks you’re giving him when he doesn’t notice.”
“What? No. No no no no no. Shit.” I cursed.
“Hey, calm down, sweetheart. It’s okay.”
I looked at her like a deer in headlights, my heart beating rapidly.
“Nothing’s okay. I have to quit now. I can’t keep working with them if they all know.” I rambled.
“First of all, they don’t know. Only you know, and I know.” Penny said, giving my hand, which I had buried deeply in Rain’s fur, a sympathetic squeeze.
“But… If you saw it… if you figured it out, and they’re all profilers…”
“Let me tell you something, darling. I love them all beyond measure, and you with them. But for profilers, they can be pretty dense sometimes. Trust me, they have no idea.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Positive.” she nodded.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Thank god.”
“Why are you so worried about them knowing?”
“Because… because Spencer’s my friend. And I don’t want to lose that just because I’m being stupid.”
“What are you talking about? There’s nothing stupid about falling for someone.”
“There is, if that someone is already, or still, in love with somebody else.”
“Who-“
“Maeve.”
“But he-“
“Penny. Don’t.” I warned. “We both know how much he loved her, and still does. A love like that doesn’t just go away. Ever. I’m not going to fool myself into believing he could ever care for me in that way. And I don’t intend to be a filler ever again, either. That hurts too much. It would be even worse than before this time. Because it’s Spencer. I couldn’t bear it. Not from him. I could never compete with the memories he has of her. Never match up to her perfection. I won’t try to.”
I hoped Penny would be satisfied now, and leave the matter alone, but I should have known better.
“You know that’s not the kind of guy he is. What happened? What made you so afraid?”
“I… Penny, I’ve never been anybody’s first choice. I’ve only been in two relationships that were longer than a few weeks, and even in those… I was always the only one who took the whole thing seriously. The one who put their heart into it. But those two guys… they didn’t choose me. They would never have chosen me. They settled for me. Because I was available while what, or who, they actually wanted was not. I gave them my love, my time, and all I got in return was a figurative slap in the face when they finally made up their minds and realized that I wasn’t enough. that I was never gonna be enough. After the first one, it took me a long time to pick myself back up and put my pieces back together again. All for nothing, because I was stupid enough to make the same mistake again. I haven’t even been on a single date since. And then, I just had to fall for Spencer. But I’m not going to run with it. I’m going to hide it, as best I can, until it goes away.”
Penny gave me a long, sad look.
“So you think Reid will never get over Maeve, even though she’s gone, but you will get over him, while you work with him every day? You seriously think it will just ‘go away’?”
“It has to.”
“You should know it doesn’t work like that.” she reprimanded me gently.”
“Of course I do, but… Penny, I just can’t. If I bring this out into the open, it will only ruin the friendship we have. I know he doesn’t see me that way. I may want him to, but he just doesn’t. As long as he’s my friend, I can live with that.”
“What makes you so sure he doesn’t see you like that? Or that he won’t get to a point where he just looks at you and goes ‘Wow!!!’?”
I scoffed.
“Please. Nobody looks at me and goes ‘Wow!!!’, ever.”
“Why would you say something like that?” Penny asked, looking genuinely shocked.
“Have you take a look at me lately? I’m chubby at best. I’ve got stretch marks all over, no pair of jeans ever lasts longer than three months because of my thighs, and yet here I sit, diving into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Some days I can hardly bear the thought of coming in. Seeing all of you, being so insanely attractive, and then there’s me, just being… me.”
“You’re crazy, you know that? You’re just as attractive as any of them, you’re just scared-“
“Yes. I am. I am scared. More than I have ever been. And you know what? Talking about it does not help. So can we please put the topic to rest?”
“But-“
“Please, Penny.” I begged.
She huffed in defeat.
“Fine. For now. But this isn’t over.”
“I believe it is.” I insisted.
I wasn’t mad at Penny or anything. I knew she was concerned, because she loved us all and considered us to be her family, which only drove it home more how much would be ruined if I didn’t keep my feelings for Spencer in check. So I made it a particular point over the next weeks not to look – or, more appropriately, stare – at him. especially when Penny was in the room. She didn’t bring the whole thing up again, so I assumed she had either forgotten about it, or was simply respecting my wishes.
It wasn’t until we were on our way to South Dakota that I realized I wasn’t being as subtle as I had thought or hoped. I’d been looking out the jets window, Rain napping at my feet, when Spencer sat down across from me.
“Hey.” I offered.
“F/N, is there anything I have done wrong?” he got right to the point.
“What? No, Spencer. Why would you think that?”
“You’ve been talking to me less lately. If I’ve said something, just-“
“Spencer, stop. You didn’t do anything, nor did you say anything. There’s just… there’s been a lot on my mind lately.”
He nodded his understanding.
“Anything you want to talk about?”
“No. No, it’s fine… But hank you.” I smiled.
He was always so concerned about everyone, mostly in his own, quiet way. It warmed my heart every time I thought about it. Spencer returned my smile and we both went back to observing the clouds passing by outside.
>>Morgan>>
It had been one of those rare occasions where Penelope had come with us. Sometimes, we just needed our own Techie close. Now, we were all at a bar, except Hotch and Dave, passing the evening since we couldn’t take the jet back right away. Bad weather.
We were having a pretty good time and I observed, with a smile, a very giggly and probably geeky conversation between two of my favorite ladies, until F/N’s eyes shifted from Garcia, and all of a sudden her whole demeanor and posture changed. I followed her eyes and noticed a tall, lean guy steering towards us, his eyes fixed on her. She shrank more and more into herself the closer he got. Garcia noticed the change in her as well and turned around just as the man, whom I instantly disliked, reached our group.
“F/N!” he greeted her with a sleazy grin on his lips.
“Jackson.” she nodded, her eyes cast down and her voice unusually timid.
“Come now, don’t be like that. Why don’t you introduce me to your friends?”
With the least possible amount of enthusiasm, F/N introduced Garcia, Reid and me (JJ and Kate had gone to get themselves new drinks) before falling silent again. Reid, as usual, did not shake hands with the guy, but also narrowed his eyes at him, being very aware of the change his arrival had brought to F/N’s attitude. I, myself, had to admit that I had gripped his hand quite a bit tighter than absolutely necessary.
Nothing would have please me more than being able to say we quickly got an easy conversation going with the man, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. It only got more awkward the longer he stayed. They seemed to have been a thing once, and it was pretty obvious it didn’t end well.
The more Jackson talked, the more my blood began to boil. Beside me, I noticed Reid growing more and more tense with every passing second, Garcia gasped in shock at every intimate detail the obviously drunk man blurted out and F/N’s face went through every imaginable shade of red.
“Honestly, I’m surprised I didn’t see you sooner.” he said, staring F/N down. “That ass of yours is kinda hard to miss, seeing as it’s pretty much everywhere.”
My fists were itching to connect with the guy’s face, and Reid vibrated with anger. Garcia was stunned speechless for the first time since I’d known her. F/N, instead of standing up for herself, murmured into Penelope’s ear that she’d go back to the hotel and left without another word.
Jackson chuckled as he watched her leave, earning a glare from Reid. Not only that, he even had the audacity to open his mouth again.
“Don’t even know why I was with her for so long. Total waste of my time.”
For a second there, I wasn’t sure why he stumbled backwards. I was certain I hadn’t punched him – yet. A few moments passed before I realized that Reid had. Before the situation could escalate any more than it already had, I grabbed Reid and led him outside, Penelope hot on our heels. Nobody did so much as sparing Jackson another glance.
As the fresh air hit us, I felt my own spirits cool down, but I could not say the same for Reid, who was still fuming. We walked a few blocks before I stopped and turned him to face me.
“Alright, pretty boy, what was that?”
“He deserved it.” Reid growled.
Garcia was unusually quiet.
“I don’t exactly disagree. God knows, I was close to punching him myself, but you-“
“Derek, can I talk to you for a second?” Garcia suddenly stepped in.
“What?” I asked.
I was admittedly almost as astonished at her using my first name, which she hardly ever did, as I had been about Reid punching someone.
“I’ll need you to leave.” she told me.
“Why would –“
“Because I have something I need to tell the good doctor. Something I am not actually at liberty to reveal, so it needs to stay between him and me.”
I glanced between Garcia and Reid, who looked at her curiously.
“Am I going to find out eventually?”
“I hope so.” she said with a small smile.
“Fine. I’ll go catch some sleep. After letting JJ and Kate know we’re gone, that is.”
I left them, hoping I would get to know what the big secret was as soon as possible.<<
Penny, and the guys even more so, knew better than to bother me after what happened last night, so the next time I saw them was on the way to the airport. Derek displayed a constant frown, Spencer stared at me the whole time, and Penny seemed strangely excited. Once on the jet, their attitude didn’t change. Hotch luckily didn’t notice any of this, being buried neck-deep in case files as he was, and Kate and JJ just appeared very confused. I considered myself lucky that they hadn’t been present for Jackson’s little insult-session.
Penny sat across from me the whole flight, while Rain was spread out somewhere at Spencer’s feet at the other end of the cabin, but she didn’t say much. Until our descent began, that is.
“I assume you don’t want to talk about yesterday?” she began.
“You assume right.”
Can I just say one thing about it, though?”
“I don’t think I have much of an actual choice here, so just spit it out.” I grumbled.
“That guy, Jackson, he didn’t stop talking, saying mean things about you, even after you left.”
I had figured as much, so I merely shrugged and kept staring out the window.
“He got what he deserved, you know?
“And what would that be?” I asked dully.
“A punch in the face.”
I let my head whip around to stare at her with wide eyes.
“What?!? Derek shouldn’t have done that!”
“He didn’t.” she stated simply, causing me to frown.
“Then who –“
“Reid.”
I was unable to utter a word for the rest of the flight and landing.
When it was time for us to disembark, Penny wordlessly took Rain’s leash from me and got out with her first of all. I was one of the last left on the jet, only Spencer left behind me. Just as I was about to leave, he spoke.
“F/N, do you have a moment?” his voice was low, and he sounded almost nervous.
I slowly turned towards him, struggling to keep my expression neutral.
“What can I do for you?” I asked.
“About last night… I just wanted to say –“
I didn’t mean to, I really didn’t, but Jackson’s words had just hurt too much. That Spencer, of all people, had been there to hear them only made it worse. The last thin I wanted was his pity. My pain burst out of me, and loudly.
“What could you possibly have to say???” I yelled. “Haven’t you done enough??? What were you thinking, punching Jackson? I don’t need your misplaced chivalry, and I certainly don’t need your sympathy!”
I turned around to leave with what little I felt was left of my dignity, but was stopped by the feeling of his fingers closing around my wrist. I turned back again and found him looking at me almost desperately. My surprise intensified when he pulled me closer and locked his lips with mine.
The kiss lasted for what felt like hours. Never, not in my entire life, had I been kissed like that. There was so much fire, so much passion in the way Spencer held me to him, in the way his lips moved on mine… I had a hard time believing this was happening. That the one and only Doctor Spencer Reid was kissing me – me! – as if he actually meant it. When we parted, we were both out of breath. He left his hands where they were – one on the small of my back and one against my neck – and stayed so incredibly close, it was almost dizzying.
“Does that feel like you’re not my first choice?” he asked in a low whisper.
“What? How do you –“ I stammered, blinking rapidly.
“Penelope told me.”
I tried to step back, but his hold on me was solid.
“I can’t – no. Please, Spencer, let me go. I can’t let myself believe this. I can’t afford this sort of mad hope.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s madness. I couldn’t bear it, waiting for you to realize it’s all been a mistake. That I’m a mistake.”
I stared at the small wrinkles in his shirt, making a point of avoiding his eyes, unable to look at him and see him realize that I was right. I didn’t expect to hear him chuckle instead.
“You think way too little of yourself.” he said and brushed my cheek with the back of his fingers while I hesitantly lifted my eyes to meet his. “I can assure you, I’ve wanted you for quite some time now. I wouldn’t say this if it wasn’t true. Not after what happened to the last woman I loved. For a long time, I was simply afraid I would never find something lie that again. But you…” he looked at me so earnestly, my knees went weak. “Trust me. Please. You are my first choice.”
He said no more, and I closed my eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before I opened them again.
“Alright.” I breathed. “I trust you.”
The longer I was with Spencer, the more my fears melted away. He treated me well. Like a lady, but not like a porcelain doll. Precious, but not brittle. We were equals, and I loved him just that much more for it each day.
After he had spoken up to me on the jet a few months ago, I’d scolded Penny for telling him what knowledge I had entrusted her with. Of, course, I was terrible at hiding the wide grin that wanted to spread across my face, and she was only the first to find out what had transpired. Soon enough, the whole team was well aware that we were an item. I was pretty sure even Hotch knew what was going on, but he never said anything. Maybe because relationships between colleagues would be frowned upon.
the only fear time didn’t simply take away was that of my body. On the contrary, I hated my physical form more each day. I wanted Spencer in every possible way, physical included, wanted him to touch me, feel his hands on my bare skin, but as they did so often, my insecurities got in the way. I should probably have known better, but I was powerless against them. As a result, we still hadn’t spent the night together.
Our current case brought us to Maine, where an UnSub abducted women. he seemed to always keep two at the same time, their abductions no longer than an hour or two apart. Last night, the bodies of the last two missing women were found, and forty-five minutes ago, a woman matching the others type had been reported missing. Now, we were searching the area she’d last been seen in. Woods. Delightful.
I wasn’t quite sure how it happened, maybe I didn’t pay as much attention as I was supposed to, or I just felt too safe with Rain by my side, but I ended up farther away from the others than I should have been. As I listened closely to try and figure out which direction best to go to get back to one of my colleagues, preferably Spencer, Rain was only a few feet ahead. She suddenly turned around, the fur on her back, where it was a little darker in some spots, standing on end, and growled menacingly, staring at something behind me. Before I even had a chance to turn around, I received a blow to the back of my head, and was enveloped in darkness.
>>Hotch>>
I knew. Of course I knew. While relationships inside the bureau were generally… discouraged, that was a ‘rule’ that did not exactly apply to members of the BAU. Sure, it had never been an issue before anyway, but still. Now, while F/N and Reid were as discreet as they could ever try to be, we had all noticed and really, everybody was happy for them. Garcia in particular, as one could imagine. Personally, I tried to keep quiet about the whole thing as much as possible anyway. As long as their relationship did not impact their work, I figured I had no business poking around in it.
While constant contact during searches such as this one was not always advisable, everybody was still required to check in in regular intervals. When F/N failed to do so, and didn’t reply to any attempt we made of contacting her when everybody else had gathered back together, we knew something wasn’t right. When Rain showed up without her a few minutes later, running up to Reid straight away, more agitated than I had ever seen her, we all knew something was seriously wrong.
Then we noticed the blood on her fur, and the limp in her walk. Reid saw it first, and I watched terror wash over him as he paled. He stood up from examining Rain for any further injuries. The blood on her fur showed in two different spots, one originating from a cut on her back. The other was apparently not her own. He moved back towards the trees to resume the search, now with a more personal objective in mind, but Morgan stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.
“Reid, wait.” I said, walking over to them.
“Hotch, I can’t loose her.” he said. “You know how I was after… after Maeve. I just found it in myself to be happy again. I won’t stand back and watch. I can’t. I. Can’t. Loose. Her.”
“I know.” I told him. “But you can’t just rush back into those woods like that either. We need to think this through.”
“He’s right, pretty boy. Take a deep breath. We’ll make this quick, and then we’ll all go find your girl.” Morgan supported my call.
Reluctantly, Reid nodded and came back with us. Rain stayed by his side the entire time.<<
A pounding pain in the back of my head woke me up, bit by bit. At first, everything was dark, but then it came back to me. The search. Rain growling. The hit that had left me unconscious until now.
I couldn’t see much, but there wasn’t much to see anyway. Every visible surface, including the walls, was wooden. There was a table and a chair pushed up against the wall in front of me, but that was it. No windows that I could see. As I was still analyzing my surrounding, I heard a whimper next to me. I turned my head to the left and took in the sight of another woman, bound by her wrists and strung up to the ceiling, her toes barely connecting to the ground. Only then did I realize I was in the same position. I cleared my throat and spoke to her in a low whisper.
“Hey there.” I said, and she opened her eyes a fraction. “What’s your name?”
“Beverly.” she croaked weakly.
“Hi Beverly. My name is F/N. This may not be much of a comfort right now, but I’m with the FBI. My friends are coming for us.”
“No one will come.” a new voice suddenly boomed.
I realized there must be a door behind us, as that was where a strip of light, mainly blocked by the shadow of a stout man, originated. He seemed to close the door, shutting the light out again, and his steps came closer. Then he appeared in my peripheral vision. His hair was a disturbingly light shade of blonde, almost white, and his eyes were a piercing, cold blue.
“It’s about time you woke up.” he snarled, his face only inches from mine. “It’s been nearly four hours. I had to entertain myself with Beverly here in the meantime, but she’s no fun. She gave up too quickly.”
I glanced over at Beverly again, now noticing that her shirt had apparently once been white, but was now ripped, sliced, and bloody all over. Worse yet, the skin on her arms was in the same state.
“Good thing I’m up now, huh?”
“Ah…” he sighed. “At long last, someone with a little spunk.”
He punched me in the gut once, twice, three times, and I would have doubled over, had I not been dangling from the ceiling as I was. While I was struggling to keep the contents of my stomach where they were, he leaned in closer and breathed into my ear.
“I bet you thought you could just swoop in here with that mutt and be her savior, huh? Her angel?”
“What have you done to my dog?” I bit out.
“Oh, don’t worry. She didn’t suffer long. I think.” he snickered.
“I swear, I will see you rot in jail.” I hissed, desperately trying to blink back my tears.
“I highly doubt you will live long enough for that.” he cackled, reaching for a glistening knife on the table. “Or that it will happen at all. Anywho… let’s get started. I think I’ll clip your wings first.”
He’d begun by cutting the sleeves off my shirt to have better access to my arms. Then he set the knife to my skin. He did not make many cuts, but they were strategically placed to inflict a maximum amount of pain. And when he’d journeyed all over my arms, he went back to deepen the cuts he had previously made. Even then, I refused to give him the satisfaction of hearing me scream, locking my jaws tight. I noticed his frustration was growing, and he just ripped open my shirt, readying the knife to move on to my stomach.
Just in time, the door burst open and Morgan’s voice filled the room.
“FBI! Drop the knife!” he commanded, the whole team filing in with him, guns drawn, local law enforcement not too far behind.
With a hiss, our captor stepped back, the blade cluttering to the floor. Morgan cuffed him and passed him on to a local officer before moving to look after Beverly. Spencer hurried to me now, cupping my face between his hands, a desperate look on his own as he searched my eyes.
“F/N! F/N, please, talk to me!” he pleaded.
“I’m fine.” I croaked. “Peachy. But.. he said Rain…” I swallowed hard, unable to finish the sentence.
“She’s okay. She’s waiting for you outside. Let’s worry about you first. Will you be able to stand?”
“Yeah. It’s only my arms… Might be a bit shaky, though…”
“Okay. I’ve got you.”
When all was said and done, an ambulance took Beverly and me to the local hospital, Spencer riding with us. Rain had been overjoyed at our reunion, but since she was hurt as well and would be allowed neither in the ambulance nor in the hospital, Kate had volunteered to take her to a vet.
JJ joined us at the hospital and was sitting with me while Spencer was on a quest for coffee, which I craved.
“Thank you.” she suddenly said.
“What for? You guys saved me.”
I scoffed, before wincing when a stitch was placed in an area the anesthetic had not quite reached yet.
“Spence.” she replied with a small smile.
“What about him?
“You make him happy. He deserves that. Especially after everything he’s been through these last few years.”
“None of you had it easy.”
“That may be right… I guess that means you’re really one of us now.”
“You almost make that sound like it’s a bad thing.” Spencer said, returning at that very moment.
“Not at all.” JJ said, her smile only widening.
“Kate called.” he announced, turning to me now.
“What did she say?”
Apparently, I had no more stitches to be done, as the nurse now began bandaging my arms.
“Rain is going to be fine. They put a support bandage on her leg and had to shave a spot on her back to stitch the cut, but that’s it.” he smiled.
“Thank God.” I breathed in relief.
“Jennifer, do you have a moment?”
“Yeah, of course.”
Spencer handed me the coffee to the hand of my already bandaged arm and gave me a quick kiss, which made the nurse grumble discontentedly as he sort of got in her way for a second.
“I love you.” he whispered.
It was the first time I heard him say it in these words, and it left me speechless, which was of no consequence. He was gone before I could have formed a reply anyway.
I watched the two of them curiously, but unable to make out what they were talking about. When they were done, JJ waved at me and left while Spencer returned to my side just as the nurse was done with my second arm.
“Am I good to go?” I asked the stern-looking woman.
“Yes. After the necessary paperwork, of course.”
Said paperwork took what felt like ages, but about an hour later, we were finally on our way to the hotel.
“What did you talk to JJ about?” I asked, trying not to sound accusing.
I saw a faint blush rise to his cheeks before he answered.
“I just asked her to look after Rain tonight.”
“What? Why?”
“I… I hoped you’d stay with me.”
“Spencer…”
“Nothing needs to happen. I just… I almost lost you today. I only need to have you close. Maybe hold you, if you can bear it. I just want to know you’re safe.”
“If I can bear it? Is that what you think? That I can’t stand your touch?”
He didn’t reply, but his cheeks darkening again was answer enough for me. I couldn’t keep quiet anymore. Not when he took this upon himself.
“It’s the exact opposite, believe me. I want nothing more than your touch. What I can’t stand is my own body. I look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Now, with my arms like this, even more so. That’s the only thing I can not bear. But never you. Never. I love you.” I blurted out, tearing up.
Spencer was silent. Whether he was shocked by, or simply taking in, my words I could not tell. I feared I’d said too much. And I sure as hell hadn’t intended to tell him I loved him this way. He kept quiet until he had parked the car at the hotel, and then hurried to open my door for me. When he’d closed it again after I got out, I suddenly found myself with my back pressed against the black SUV, surprised yet again by a furious kiss.
His lips moved against mine and I felt my defenses melt away, sinking my hands into his soft hair with a passion as I responded in kind. It took a while, but eventually, we had to break apart.
“I never want to hear you talk like that again. You’re nothing less than perfect. Beautiful. Strong. Everyone knows that. You of all people should.” he said, wiping a tear off my cheek that escaped at his words.
I reached up to keep his hand in place with my own and drew in a shaky breath, nodding slowly to signal that I understood.
“Good. Now…” he began, pecking my lips again. “… will you stay with me tonight?”
“Yes.” I breathed.
A quick stop by my own room was required to pick up my most basic necessities, and then I followed Spencer into his room, more nervous than I had ever been. What Spencer and my conscious mind told me did not easily negate years of insecurity, but I trusted him, and I believed him. He set my stuff down on a sideboard and turned to face me with a smile.
“I suppose you’re tired?”
“God, yes. Torture seems to do that to you.” I replied, and he winced. “Sorry.”
“No, you’re right. It does.”
“Spencer?”
“Yes?”
“Would you help me with the jacket?”
My shirt had been nothing but a rag after they had found us, so I was currently wearing a zipper-jacket of Morgan’s. He had given it to JJ for me to wear once they discharged me when he had dropped her off at the hospital. It was rather large, even on me, and despite a stinging sensation here and there, my arms were still pretty much numb, so I could use them without pain, but… I just wanted Spencer, and I didn’t know how else to start.
He nodded and stood in front of me. He was so close, I felt his breath fan out over my cheeks as he reached for the zipper and pulled it down, slowly, his eyes on mine.
I shrugged the jacket off my shoulders, and it rustled to the floor. Spencer bent to kiss me, whispering my name just before our lips met. My hands on his back, and his on mine, we tried to hold each other as close as humanly possible while passion surged through us.
My hands wandered to his chest where I loosened his tie, quickly disposing of it before setting to work on the buttons of his dress shirt. One by one they gave way and the shirt dropped to the floor, joining my jacket and his tie.
We blindly made our way to the bed while kicking off our shoes and fumbling with each others pants, which were then left behind on the floor when Spencer carefully lowered me onto the mattress before joining me there.
“You’re sure you want this? Now?” he asked, kissing first my cheeks, then down my neck to the hollow of my throat, sucking and nibbling away a the soft skin in his path.
“Perfectly sure.” I confirmed.
“Your arms? The stitches?””
I brought him up into a kiss before answering.
“My arms are fine, all things considered. I want you. I’m sure.”
Our lips met in another fiery kiss and I arched up against him so he could reach behind my back to unclasp my bra. The garment hit a wall as he carelessly threw it over his shoulder while I let my hands trace the outlines of his back. I felt him against me, hot and wanting, more and more need pooling at my center with the knowledge that only two thin layers of fabric remained separating us.
I moaned when he softly palmed my breast, his other hand holding his weight up above me. All the while, our lips met over and over again.
For just a moment, Spencer sat up to remove the last pieces of fabric from both our bodies. Then, he looked me over as I lay on the sheets, bare before him, and my heart sank when he shook his head. It felt like it was lifted from the bottom of the ocean when he began to press kisses to my thighs, left and right alternating, speaking between each of them.
“I don’t know what you were worried about…” he murmured, his breath but brushing my core, and he skipped to continue the path of his kisses up my stomach. “… You’re beautiful…” he trailed his tongue over the valley between my breasts and up until he reached my neck, where he went back to those feathery kisses, continuing them until he could whisper into my ear. “… Never again do I want to hear that you think otherwise. Do you understand?”
“Yes!” I panted desperately. “I understand! Please, Spencer, just-“
He silenced me with a kiss and slowly pushed into me. The feeling of him within me, of our bodies moving in harmony, was so new, so different from anything I had ever experienced, that I could not but wonder how I had ever managed to be without him. Every time he pulled back, every time he pushed forward, I reached new heights of pleasure, and I knew he did as well.
I met Spencer’s movements, time after time, as I felt the pressure inside of me build, like a coil tightening. I could not say how long it took, but when it finally snapped, I held onto him tightly, biting my lip to keep quiet. I had never been a loud lover. He reached fulfillment shortly after me, and we just looked at each other, foreheads leaning together, breathing heavily, while we struggled to come down from our highs.
A little while later, he moved to lie beside me, pulling the sheets to cover us as he held me close.
“Have I made my point?” he murmured, kissing me softly.
“Indeed you have.” I smiled against his lips.