Chapter Text
Katsuki Bakugo. A man of many talents. The #1 Pro Hero in Japan. A great leader and friend. An excellent child to his parents.
You’d think when it comes to matters of the heart, he’d got it figured out. The problem though is that winning is very different from love.
Sometimes, you lose when it's love. And losing was a foreign concept to the man.
So he did what he always does when he can't have his way, he takes it and holds on to it with an iron grip.
And Izuku Midoriya. Quirkless. Useless.
He was up for grabs.
Another faceless statistic that's found in the thousands of missing individuals each year.
The thing about going missing is that unless people really care enough about you, your presence wouldn't make an impact. Izuku was a perfect target. His mother died years ago.
He had no one.
Days become weeks. Weeks become months. It's now one year since he went missing. No one cared to look for him. Katsuki, for all his wonderful features in public, was very different in private.
He was known to dislike the touch of others, especially fans. With Izuku, it was as if he couldn't get enough of touching the chained up greenette. Hugging him. Kissing him. Eventually, he raped him.
Again and again and again until he lost count. After each encounter, he whispered sweet nothings. If he fought back, the Pro Hero would hit, slap, or punch him. Afterwards, he'd tell Izuku it was his fault.
"Why can't you understand Deku, I'm doing this for us!" Katsuki yelled as he choked him.
All the while, Izuku thought: "Choking. This is a first, huh."
When you stop thinking and let the numbness from within control you, pain becomes irrelevant. After all, there was no bright future waiting for Izuku out there. That's what all the amalgamation of voices through the years told him, screamed at him.
"YOU ARE NOTHING!"
Was there an afterlife?
Izuku hoped there wasn't. At least what he was about to do next would be the end all be all to this madness.
He thought about it several times through the years since Katsuki told him to jump back in Middle School. He made a list of different suicide methods.
Get hit by a truck or train.
Hanging.
Drowning.
Stabbing.
Slashing his wrists.
Jumping off a cliff or building.
Lastly, Poisoning himself.
Since he was stuck "home" and couldn't go out. Poisoning seemed like his best option to off himself. He decided to do it on the day his mother died. Suicide by poison was done by a lot of famous people in history. Plato drank Heimlich. Alan Turing eating cyanide-laced apple.
But Sylvia Plath was a figure he sympathized with and could relate to. He was by no means a poet. But both of them had a selfish and tyrannical lover.
"Can I have a book of Sylvia Plath's poems?" He asked Katsuki after their "lovemaking." He rarely asked favors despite the Pro Hero claiming on numerous occasions that he can give Deku anything he wants. To sweeten the deal, Izuku made the request after sex when Katsuki would be in a good mood.
The blond grinned. "Sure, bunny. I can also get ya other books since I know your nerdy mind must be getting bored watching TV all the time."
Katsuki lovingly kissed Izuku who mimicked the blond. The greenette has long learned the art of mimicry to survive.
- - -
The woman is perfected.
Her dead
Body wears the smile of accomplishment,
The illusion of a Greek necessity
- - -
Katsuki noticed that Izuku smiled more since he bought him some books. He started making little requests like notebooks and pens. Although he'd ask for them after sex, which hurt him. As if without sex, he won’t give him what he wants. At least, they were making progress.
Katsuki would come back home to a cooked meal and Izuku's warm smile. The kind of smile he remembered the greenette would give him before he became his #1 tormentor. Life has been unkind to his nerd. So when Izuku refused to do anything with him despite his declaration of love something snapped inside him when he took him in. They had their fair share of disagreements at the start of their "arrangements." But look at them now, they were becoming the couple he envisioned: Katsuki working as the #1 Hero and Deku staying at home doing his nerdy passions.
- - -
Flows in the scrolls of her toga,
Her bare
Feet seem to be saying:
We have come so far, it is over.
- - -
Despite smiling more and showing Katsuki more affection, somehow, the blond couldn't help but feel on edge. Izuku has been docile for a couple of weeks now. He tried to logically reason with himself that Deku is now finally seeing the reason behind why he did it.
Then one night as they shared their meal together, Izuku apprehensively asked to go out.
"My mom's death anniversary is coming up soon. If it's alright can I visit her?"
The blond raised an eyebrow. "You're not going to use this as an excuse to run away?"
"No. I'm done running."
Katsuki took the day off to be with Deku as they visited Aunty Inko's grave. The weather forecaster said that it would be a sunny day, like the previous days. But when they arrived at the Musutafu public cemetery, dark gray clouds hung over their heads. The blond wanted to talk with the greenette but he didn't know what small talk topic he should start with. Deku wasn't his cheerful self.
He shouldn't be. Obviously, but it caught the blond off guard. He thought Izuku was over the death of his mother. He was wrong, very wrong.
The skies seemed to sympathize with Deku's inner pain as the whole day the sun didn't show its face. They bought red carnations. Inko's favorites.
"Hi, mom," Izuku wryly smiled, placing the flowers in front of the tombstone. "Brought your favorites. Also, Kacchan's here."
It was the first time he heard the nerd call him /Kacchan/. Katsuki would've been happy if not for the context of the situation. He finally understood that Aunty's death marked an end to Izuku's childhood: his hopes & dreams.
"Hello, Aunty. I'm sorry that I've visited only now."
"I'm sorry too, mom, that I haven't been making my weekly visits."
Katsuki's eyes widened. How the fuck did he miss that info?!
"A lot has changed, I'm now living with Kacchan," Izuku said with a small smile.
"Yeah, aunty. Don't worry I'll take care of the nerd," he smiled at Deku.
Reading the tombstone, he was shocked. How the fuck did he miss a fucking crucial info about his nerd?!
"She died on your birthday?"
The greenette just smiled sadly. "I consider this day her real death anniversary. Today marked her first day in coma before she died 2 days later on my birthday."
"It's okay now, nerd. I'm here for you," Katsuki said, wrapping his arm around Deku's shoulder before kissing his forehead. Deku stared straight ahead, at Inko's grave.
"I'll come back often, mom, until I get to finally be with you," he muttered to Inko as if Katsuki wasn't there.
Alarm bells were ringing in his head. Instinctively, he should’ve known. The signs were there but like always, Katsuki Bakugou chose to ignore them.
“That won’t happen for a long time though, aunty,” Katsuki said, confidently. “I’ll make sure he lives a long and healthy life.”
- - -
Each dead child coiled, a white serpent,
One at each little
Pitcher of milk, now empty.
She has folded
- - -
With talks of death, the topic of life is not far away. When they arrived home, Katsuki wanted to do the act of love and life as if cleansing away the fragility of existence itself. Ritualistically, he undressed the greenette and laid him on their bed lovingly, drinking in Deku's beauty, unlike the first time they made love. He gently caresses his lover.
For Izuku, it was like he was being offered up as a virgin sacrifice to the devil himself. Lucifer was after all the most beautiful angel in heaven. Behind the loving touches and kisses, he knew Katsuki only wanted to control him. There are 5 types of love languages: touch, receiving gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, and quality time. But another dynamic of love that many people don't talk about is /control/.
And Kacchan was the master of it.
Despite not wanting to, Izuku had cum several times. He played Izuku's body like a puppet, knowing its inner workings. When he said cum, he'd cum. When he said to ride him, he'd do it unwillingly but eventually coerced into it.
Katsuki was the sun and Izuku was a lowly flower.
A sunflower—Forever following and chasing the sun but never being its equal.
Every time Katsuki entered him, he found completion. He was saddened that Deku didn't have a womb or bear a child.
So the sun demanded the sunflower to bear fruit but the flower was barren.
Bakugou Katsuki shouldn't have the means to “solve” this. But like always, he found a way. This led to their argument after visiting Inko and having sex.
"It's simple, Deku. You'd only have the specialist use their quirk on you and you'd have a womb. After 9 months, you'll have a Cesarean section and we'd have a baby together," he explained to the greenette as they lay in bed, naked.
Izuku was still in his arms. "Wouldn't that be dangerous?"
"What do you mean?"
"Think about it, Katsuki. Although rare, C-sections can be dangerous, complications can happen leading to death. The fact this pregnancy is caused by a Quirk...what if it will have unintended consequences?" Izuku asked, worriedly.
"Nothing will happen," Katsuki tried to brush him off.
"How many have undergone the procedure?"
Katsuki shifted slightly. "10 people."
"Did anyone die?"
"Only one did."
"Kacchan..."
"That means nothing, 9 out of 10 were successful. It works so you shouldn't worry too much about it."
"Is this operation even legal?"
Katsuki glared at him. "Are you doubting me, nerd? I've done the research, it's safe. You can trust my word on that!"
Izuku wanted to retort that he had the worst luck ever and his assurance meant shit to him. But he chose to stay quiet to maintain the peace.
"Think about it nerd, us getting married and having kids together, finally have our happy ending."
"Shouldn’t we get married first before having kids?" Izuku asked, raising an eyebrow.
Katsuki's eyes widened before smirking at Deku. "You're right, bunny. We should get hitched first. After we celebrate your birthday, let's plan our wedding."
Izuku fakes a beaming smile at him.
- - -
Them back into her body as petals
Of a rose close when the garden
Stiffens and odors bleed
From the sweet, deep throats of the night flower.
- - -
For the next two days, Katsuki brought home Izuku's favorite flower: sunflower. Katsuki always found it endearingly amusing that these were his favorites. In a way, it fits the nerd's sunny attitude. The greenette seemed so happy, humming and fanboying over Pros.
Izuku himself smelled like roses and vanilla cinnamon. The greenette was fond of these scents as they reminded him of his late mother. They were the scent of home. Despite home being a melancholic feeling rather than a safe haven.
"What flowers would you want for our wedding?"
Katsuki’s face pressed into Izuku’s curls as he wrapped around him like a snake towards its prey.
“I’d like carnations of different colors with Sunflowers,” Izuku said. "Purple carnations will decorate my wrist and the bouquet will be sunflowers with yellow and red carnations."
“Sounds lovely, bunny,” Katsuki kissed his nape. The blond made love to him throughout the night while Izuku closed his eyes, and tried to shut his mind. Letting his body and instinct control his movement so as to not provoke his lover's anger.
‘Just a little more, Izuku.’
- - -
The moon has nothing to be sad about,
Staring from her hood of bone.
She is used to this sort of thing.
Her blacks crackle and drag.
- - -
It was his birthday that day. The day his mother died. The day his life started and so too will it end. The most commonly used household item for those who want to commit suicide are pesticides besides overdosing. Thankfully, Katsuki had some in his house.
No one should glorify suicide. And yet, pop culture constantly sensationalizes it.
For Izuku, his situation was the exception. It was his only escape from a world that sought to trample all his being: his hopes, dreams, and ambition. Why continue to live when there's no hope?
He had written everything he needed to write about from Quirk theories to existentialism and finally, his inner thoughts and feelings of his life, his family, the people around him, and about Kacchan.
What is life, Kacchan?
After thinking about the bills and finding ways to survive day by day, I think we all at some point contemplate and muse over it. Ever since I was diagnosed with Quirklessness, I have thought about my existence and purpose quite often. So when you told me to take a swan dive down the roof, it got me thinking, what if there was no grandeur meaning to it all? Maybe, we just come here to fool around and wait for death.
I am tired of waiting.
Many scholars have contemplated the notion of freedom and free will. Are we really free?
No. In the plane of existence, we are limited despite our souls and our quirks, we are mortal. Fragile. Weak. Temporary.
And I am the weakest and most useless of all.
We all are made of stardust. But my star has long died. Like some of the stars in the night skies, the light you see is from dead stars from eons ago.
By the time you read this, I am at rest. Will I see mom? Will I be damned?
I don't know.
All I know is that for once I am in charge of my fate and I am free.
With love,
Izuku
He felt nothing but peace. He was wearing his best attire, his white wedding suit.
Darkness is always frightening because we don't know what lurks within it. Humans are naturally afraid of the unknown, which is why death terrifies everyone. But Izuku had compartmentalized this event.
He took a sip of the pesticide concoction and slept like he normally would.