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it’s been two months since their first meeting, and todd still didn’t think he was actually part of the dead poets society.
it’s irrational, he knows this, except—
except he thinks a bit too much about it and, well– they’re really only doing it for neil, aren’t they? they’d agreed to bring him along because neil had asked. and he understands. he likes to think he does. understanding has been one of the few things he was good at anyway.
“todd, love, i’m sorry but me and your father can’t come to your awarding, your brother’s sick, is that okay love?” “it’s ok mama, i understand” “baby, you need to forgive him for breaking your toy, he’s only 5, i need you to understand” “i do understand mama. i’ve forgiven him already, don’t worry”
and so now, as he looks at meeks and pitts laugh at a joke charlie – sorry, nuwanda – had whispered under his breath and then towards cameron and knox, who are bickering over which love poem is better, the only thing he can do is understand.
they’ve been friends so long, who is he to intrude?
“alright poets!” neil exclaims as he enters the cave, the squirrel they’d befriended a while back (long story, don’t ask) scurrying behind him. “let the fifteenth–”
“seventeenth!” cameron interrupts. “it’s the seventeenth meeting”
“so you do care,” nuwanda teased, wiggling his eyebrows at cameron, who’s rolls his eyes so far back it’s a miracle it doesn’t fall out.
“let the seventeenth – thank you cameron – meeting of the dead poets society commence!”
you’re beautiful, todd thinks as neil sits down beside him. thinks of saying it to the beautiful boy with brown eyes who’s smiling at him with far too many stars in his eyes. it’s dangerous to todd’s heart, really. he should stop.
“so, todd,” neil says, and he tilts his head and todd nearly cries. “are you going to read today?”
“i- um.”
“it’s alright if you don’t,” knox says gently, smiling at the stuttering boy. “but i do have a poem that matches your vibe exactly, if you ever want to. read, i mean.”
todd smiles shakily at him, heart warm. he and knox had been the first to get close when neil had introduced todd to everyone, to everyone’s surprise. todd likes that knox doesn’t feel the need to start a conversation when they’re around each other, like todd’s presence is enough for it to be considered them “hanging out.”
“maybe i might, actually,” todd says. “it is the seventeenth meeting after all.”
“what’s so special about the number seventeen?” he thinks its pitts who asks, and it’s only then that todd realises that everyone’s attention is entirely on him.
“is it some sort of mathematical thing?” meeks asks, fingers coming up to fix his glasses. “or is it like- superstition?”
“i- well. i don’t know, really? it’s just the seventeenth ceremony on the seventeenth– it feels like something special, i guess,” todd stutters, the tension melting off his shoulders once they all nod – agreeing with what he said.
“that’s great todd!” he turned towards neil, who was still looking at him – still smiling at him. in a flurry of limbs and yelps and a few rocks kicked in several directions neil hauled todd up, standing in the middle, right where the moonlight filtered in from an opening in the ceiling of the cave. “knox, the poem please.”
knox grinned widely as he handed the poem to neil. “finally,” charlie says from his spot in between meeks and cameron, a smirk (todd can’t quiet explain it, but there’s something gentle about it, in a way. it’s heartwarming) on his face. “move over losers, anderson has come to claim the top spot.”
todd bursts out laughing at that– doesn’t expect to, so he cuts it off midway, slapping a hand over his mouth in surprise.
he looks around to see if anyone noticed, ears reddening with embarrassment, but no one’s looking at him, cause they’re all laughing, too. he smiles a bit stupidly at them, something a bit like love fluttering around his heart when he hears meeks laughter before he sees it in his eyes, at the way cameron’s smiling and rolling his eyes, annoyed and fond at the same time.
“‘s nice to watch them, isn’t it?” neil asks, moving closer and pressing their shoulders together.
the butterflies erupt in his stomach, wings alive and insistent in their movement. “it is,” todd says, looking back towards the group. “shall i?” he asks, pointing towards the paper in neil’s hand.
“i suppose you shall. everyone, settle down please. it’s time for tonight’s reading.”
todd looks at him, then towards everyone else. towards the moon above them and the squirrel sitting atop meeks’ head, and he begins to read.
My heart leaps up when I behold, a rainbow in the sky: so was it my life began; so is it now I am a man; so be it when i grow old, Or let me die! The Child is father of the Man; And I could wish my days to be Bound each to each by natural piety…
***
it had begun raining sometime in the middle of the meeting, and so they had to relocate to neil and todd’s room:
“why didn’t we just stay here the first time? it’s much cozier”
“for the poetry of it all, jesus cameron keep up!”
“is it just me or is their room bigger than ours?”
“it is not–”
“can i read next please can i?”
“pitts you read the last time—”
“hey todd? why do you have two desk sets?”
todd turned to look at charlie, who was holding a brand new desk set that had previously been placed on his bed. oh.
“it’s, um, a gift. from my parents.” he stood up, careful to place meeks’ radio on the windowsill.
“a gift? for what?” neil asked, standing up and walking over towards them.
“why’d they gift you a desk set anyway? you have a perfectly functioning one over here,” knox says, pointing towards todd’s desks. “no offence todd, but your parents kinda suck at giving gifts.”
“it’s for my birthday,” todd says faintly, taking it from charlie and placing it on the table. “they get me a desk set every year. you kinda get used to it.”
“birthday?” neil asked. “it’s your birthday?”
todd smiled at him. “yeah. ‘m seventeen on the seventeenth. kinda funny when you think about it.”
“why didn’t you tell us?” meeks asked, standing up front he windowsill and— was everyone standing? had they always been this close? “we would’ve prepared something for you.”
“ah, it’s okay. ‘s not that important anyway, isn’t it?”
“todd,” charlie said slowly, dramatically placing both of his hands on todd’s cheeks. “you’re seventeen. on the seventeenth. i don’t think you grasp how fully important that is. this only happens twice–”
“once, actually. it only happens once,” said cameron.
“i’m trying to make a point here,” said charlie, glaring at cameron momentarily before facing back to todd. “anyway my point is that this is rare, and it has to be celebrated.”
he looked towards everyone else, like they were all agreeing on something before he nodded and began dragging todd towards the door. “to the kitchens we go. onwards you poets! gather your courage. sharpen your wits, for we are about to go on an adventure!”
“hey, hey wait– it’s past curfew, there’s what seven of us? we’ll get caught, i can’t let you guys get caught–”
“todd,” said pitts, placing his hand on his shoulder. “no matter what you say, we’re going to do this anyway. like charlie said– it’s something to be celebrated.”
“you agree with this?” todd said, turning towards cameron with a bewildered look on his face.
“i’d really rather not break the rules,” he started, “but desperate times call for desperate measures, so. ‘m coming with you guys, and i will drag you along. don’t underestimate me.”
“now that that’s settled,” said charlie. “we have a party to throw. let’s go, chop chop!”
all of them filtered out the door, chattering about food and gifts to give.
“todd, d’you want a sweater? why am i even asking, of course you do, i’ll gift you one as soon as i can, okay?”
“what are your thoughts on fountain pens?”
“hey,” todd said, turning towards neil. the other boy had been silent after todd had admitted that it was his birthday today. had he been angry, maybe? “are you okay?”
“‘m okay,” he said, smiling a bit– that small smile reserved only for todd. “it’s just– why didn’t you tell us it was your birthday? we could’ve prepared more.”
“like i said. it wasn’t that important.”
“like hell it isn’t. without today, you wouldn’t exist and you’re one of the most important parts my life.”
“i’m.. important to you?”
neil’s face went red, but his voice was firm when he answered. “you are. you’ve taught me– taught us a lot of things todd. and i… i know you don’t believe that entirely, yet, but i do hope we’ll be able to help you realise it someday.”
todd stood there, speechless. did they all really think of him that way? he looks at neil’s eyes, and his heart nearly stops at the sincerity in them. it’s taking everything in him to not sob into his hands and mumble “i don’t think i’ve ever felt this loved before”. was this what it’s like to be loved?
“i…” todd started, hands trembling.
“you don’t need to say anything, y’know,” neil whispered. a few months ago, the silence might’ve sounded daunting to todd, but right now it felt like home.
i love you. this means so much to me, i don’t think you understand. do you guys really think of me that way? am i dreaming? he wants to say so much, wants to ask even more, but the moment feels too fragile to break. “thank you,” he says instead. thank you for everything.
“no need to thank me,” neil said, shoulders shaking with laughter. “happy birthday todd. seventeen on the seventeenth. only you, todd. only you.”
they heard footsteps tumbling towards them and only managed to move away just in time, sending charlie tumbling towards the floor. “why didn’t you catch me,” charlie said, face down on the floor as the other two struggled to hold in their laughter. “anderson if you aren’t in the kitchen within five minutes you won’t live long enough to reach eighteen.”
“‘m going, ‘m going,” todd said, raising his hands up in mock surrender. “thanks for the party charlie.”
“‘s no problem. you’re my favorite anyway.”
“hey, he was my favorite first.”
“ok perry, and who asked?”
“can you two shut up? let’s go and eat cake.”
“OH! todd can i smash your face into the cake? please let me do it, i’ve always wanted to do it, think of it, us doing that would make your seventeen on the seventeenth birthday even more memorable.”
“shut up, dalton.”
“so… that means we’re doing it right?”
“... yes.”
fin.