Chapter Text
Wei Wuxian had died a few times, enough to stay conscious and feel the pain coursing through his veins. But he could not complain, he was the one who wanted to die most of the time.
Like every time, the air suddenly filled up his lungs, and left him as quickly as it had entered. Wei Wuxian abruptly choked on the water he had swallowed just a moment ago. The wooden floor was soon to be covered with the liquid, mixed with his saliva.
Attempting to drown was not easy, especially when you could not die.
With a sigh, Wei Wuxian put his arm over his eyes, trying to forget the tingling sensation of life coming back to him.
Since he came back to life in Mo Xuanyu’s body, he was unable to die. For someone who wanted to join Death and be at peace again, it was not practical. He had tried several methods, such as poison, starvation, and anything else he could think of. But not only did it not work, every time he tried to die he was overwhelmed by the pain. And contrary to popular belief, Wei Wuxian was not that kind of masochist. He might have played with Death, but that did not mean that he liked to suffer in that context. Wei Wuxian was beginning to get fed up with this mess.
Clearing up his throat, he decided it was time to get up and act as if nothing had happened, as he always did. The chill of the cold pond water could not hide the disgusting feeling of his stomach coming back into place.
He would never get used to it.
He peeked down at his stomach and decided not to fiddle with the flesh hanging from his body. His robes would be enough to hide the wound, so there would be no need to stuff his stomach back in and sew it up, it would do that on its own.
Living in Gusu had one inconvenience, it was cold all year round. But right now Wei Wuxian was grateful for it, he could cover himself with the thickest clothes and hide his body from all eyes. But it didn’t help against the chill that came when Wei Wuxian left the building. He should have taken his coat before leaving the Jingshi last night. Gusu was shrouded in mist, bringing an even more peaceful atmosphere to the City of Tranquility. The sun seemed to have just begun to rise. Birds were chirping, and the sound of a nearby river added to the tranquil aura.
He should never get used to it.
The blood came back to his hands as he blew on them and silently watched the trees in front of him. He could use some liquor right now. He blew a condensation cloud when he remembered that he was currently in the most rule-bound clan, which meant that there was no alcohol around.
Soft footsteps echoed in the distance, footsteps that Wei Ying would always recognize. A smile formed on his face as he basked in the warm feeling he got every time he thought of Lan Zhan. He was always so perfect, immaculate, and ... Lan Zhan. But what Wei Ying loved the most was the little sparkle in his eyes. It took him a while to notice it, it was rather shy. But it was there, and Wei Ying cherished it. However, every time Lan Zhan looked at him for a little too long, it seemed to fade. He pretended not to see how his presence affected the Jade Twin, but he could not overcome it.
So he avoided Lan Zhan. Surely, he only spent time with him because he thought he was Mo Xuanyu, whom he seemed to like. Or maybe it was because he had invited him to Gusu, and it was customary to spend time with the guests. This time, however, Wei Wuxian did not have the time to say anything before Lan Zhan called him, “Wei Ying”. Lan Zhan’s usually calm fingers seemed unable to stop fiddling with a red flower, and his pace seemed a little too fast to be appropriate.
Wei Wuxian fully turned all the way around to face the newcomer, anxiety blooming in his throat, slowly suffocating him. This feeling was nothing new, but it always paralyzed him in the same way. His breathing always seemed too shallow, not giving him the air his brain needed. But he usually did not give it what it needed, like food, so air was just as optional. He blinked quickly, chasing away the tears before they came. He had always been a crybaby, but since the Burial Mounds he seemed to have developed a habit of suddenly bursting into tears, out of nowhere. Lan Zhan’s eyes met his, and it happened again- the small, shy sparkle faded.
However, for the first time Wei Ying heard the restlessness in Lan Zhan’s voice.
A sudden embrace brought him down to earth, warm and familiar. Stunned, he took some time to reciprocate. But when he did so, being stunned was an understatement. He could feel Lan Zhan, the unwavering righteous Hanguang-Jun, trembling in his arms.
Even his bad memory could not make Wei Wuxian forget the tears running down his neck. The great force with which he squeezed him. As if he would disappear right there. The last person to hug him like that was his Shijie. His heart ached, tightened his chest, set it on fire, cried out for justice, wanted to find her back for good.
He lifted his hand and slowly placed it on Lan Zhan’s head, enjoying the warmth emanating from him. Wiggling in the embrace, Wei Wuxian wrapped his arms around Lan Zhan’s broad shoulders and held Lan Zhan’s head against his own.
Talking would do no neither of them any good, so silence hung in the air. He could no longer hear the birds or the river. His breathing occupied all his thoughts, but he couldn’t control it. The fear in his throat was slowly choking him. And then, without realizing it, his tears mixed with Lan Zhan’s.
He sobbed quietly, searching for the comfort he would never get. Not when Shijie had died. Not when Wen Qing and the Wens had sacrificed themselves, just so that he could die a few days later.
He missed being dead. He had no emotions to deal with, no need to take care of himself. No pain, no worries, nothing . For the last few months, all he did was pretend. He pretended to be happy, he pretended to have feelings, he pretended to have wants and needs. He wanted none of that, he just wanted to sleep. But even then, as soon as he closed his eyes he felt the ghosts clawing at him. He felt the roughness in his throat from screaming too much. He felt his tongue being eaten right in his mouth while he was still conscious.
He felt the need to rip it off himself, so that he would no longer taste his own blood. He felt the urge to vomit all the bones he had eaten to survive the first time he fell into the Burial Mounds. He needed to smash his head against the ground to join the other human skull that he found in the dirt. In the same dirt he ate the bones from.
He had tried to push his feelings away when he had just come back to life. It worked for a while, then he went to Gusu, where everything was peaceful and made room for thoughts. Thus, finding ways to die was entertaining, in addition to be useful, so he spent all his time absorbed in books to find curses, or poisons or anything that could help him. But now the books weren’t helping. He did not know how to comfort Lan Zhan or how to stop crying. And to be honest, he was too tired to even try. He had just stabbed himself and drowned after all.
Wait.
He had stabbed himself, and drowned. In the Cold Pond. How the hell was he in the infirmary. He loosened his grip and took a step back, but Lan Zhan stopped him.
“Lan Zhan…”
Only a short and choked sob answered. The Second Jade of Lan was not really talkative, but he should have at least said his name, as usual. Ah- Wei Wuxian should have thought about the possibility that someone might run into him at a not-so-good moment. But he was so focused on breaking this curse that he completely forgot about other people.
And now Lan Zhan was suffering as well. Wei Wuxian forgot that he was close to Mo Xuanyu. He should have acted better, controlled the situation, the place and the method he had used. He could have pretended that he was going on a night hunt, or visiting some friends. Did Mo Xuanyu have any friends at all?
Lan Zhan suddenly grabbed his wrist and walked back to the infirmary. His back was straight, but his shoulders were slumped, as if the whole world weighed on them.