Chapter Text
"Rachel honey, I love you, but I'm too young for kids." This it, the moment my life truly comes crashing down.
"Kurt, you're not the one having a baby, I'm the one who's going through this." I can't believe this is happening right now.
"Maybe you should move back home. You can get help."
"From who? My dads don't live there anymore, you know that, they don't even live together. Are you kicking me out?" Why has my life gone down the drain suddenly? What have I done?
"Honey, how are you going to pay rent? You'll have a baby to look after, and it's going to cry all the time. God knows I need my beauty sleep. I'm just not equipped to help take care of a baby." I don't even know how to respond right now. That doesn't even make sense. I can't pay rent here but he expects me to pay rent somewhere else? Maybe my dads will help on a deposit for an apartment. At least I have a job. How did everything go so wrong so quick?
Numbly I start texting both my dads, separately unfortunately. Now's not the time to tell them why I need to move out, I just hope they can help me. I saved many of my moving boxes, so I begin pulling them out and putting them back together. My methodical movements are the only thing holding me together.
"Hey midget, have you seen……" Santana's voice stops suddenly. "What's going on?" She walks up next to the bed where I'm standing, brow furrowed with a questioning look.
"I'm moving out." Grabbing the small container of packing tape from the top of the closet, I try to avoid looking at her. I just can't believe this is happening. The tearing sound of the tape pulling across the box is jarring.
"Why? Did Brody step up?" From the tone of her voice, even she doesn't believe that.
"My dads will help me with a deposit on an apartment as soon as I can find something. I might have to get a second job but I think I should be able to afford something that's not too….bad." Something with locks on the doors at least, I know the chances of finding anything decent is slim at best.
"You're dropping out of school?" Santana grabs me by the elbow, forcing me to turn towards her. She looks shocked, confused, a little angry. Frankly I'm a little surprised by her anger.
"I'm the one that made the mistake, you two shouldn't have to pay for it. At least this way you'll get more space." I try to smile, but I'm afraid it comes off too fake.
"You can't do this on your own, are you crazy? Me and Kurt don't care." She looks like maybe she's telling the truth, like my being pregnant wouldn't be a burden to her. I want to believe her so badly right now, I mean, when is Santana one to lie?
"You two are still young, you don't need this. It's fine Santana." I put my hand on her forearm. Her muscles feel tense under my touch, and for the life of me I can't understand why she's so upset. "It's ok." She looks at me like I'm crazy, but doesn't say anything else, just leaves me with this vacuum of unease.
After Santana walks away, I get started on packing. It's not enough to occupy the thousands of thoughts that are flying through my mind. At least Kurt hasn't given me a deadline, not that I'm going to stay here much longer. Tomorrow I'll start looking for a place and I guess I'll have to figure out if I can get some sort of leave from school. I don't want to give up on my dreams, not quite yet. That might make things too real and I just can't face that right now. The realness of this whole thing.
"What kind of bullshit is that!?" Santana's voice suddenly roars through the loft, causing me to jump.
"Look, I want to have fun. This isn't my responsibility, this is on her." Kurt's voice is loud, but nowhere near Santana's level.
"I thought she was your friend? This is how you treat her?"
"Hey, I didn't do this, and I didn't say she had to leave today or anything." This is so uncomfortable, being talked about like I'm not even here.
"You're fucked up Kurt. You just abandon your friend like this?"
"Like you're going to do anything more Satan. Why do you even care?"
The front door slams shut, I assume Santana has gone to seek solace with her new girlfriend. I take my time, packing only the things I actually need. I want to cry, to just fall down on this floor sobbing and never get back up. But I'm Rachel Barbara Berry, and I will not give up. This is just a detour, a bit of a blip. I'll figure this out like I figure everything out.
Somehow I condense my life down to seven boxes, not including clothes. Don't ask me how I managed, let's just say, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. With only a few hours of sleep, and a promise from both of my dads for some money, I start apartment hunting. I try to be realistic, I really do, but apparently a one bedroom apartment that isn't the size of a closet is a lot harder to find than one would think.
It takes me a few days but I find a place. It's a studio basically, the only room with a door is the bathroom which has a bathtub. The rest of the apartment is the bedroom, kitchen and living room all in one. Kurt has the decency to pay to have my few things moved over, so at least I have my bed and I suppose he doesn't have any guilt. Good for him. And Santana, well, she's been pretty scarce and wasn't there when I left. That's ok I suppose, it's just easier this way. So now I'm on leave from school, looking for a second job and trying to write my new plan for life.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The first week in my new apartment is eye opening to say the least. I suppose this is the real New York experience I've been shielded from thus far. The noises in the apartments around me keep me up at all hours of the night. I've invested in a baseball bat after the first night someone spent over an hour banging on my door yelling for a Miranda. He refused to believe she didn't live here and only left after she came yelling at him from an apartment down the hall. That then sparked a loud fight, which led into loud sex, and well by the time the sun was up I experienced every stage of depression.
My new plan for life thus far: find a doctor. Now I know from my careful research when Quinn was pregnant, that there are so many factors to take into effect when one is having a baby. Unfortunately, Brody has taken the road of ignoring my phone calls and texts, so I can't determine what genetic predispositions my child may have based on that. But with proper doctor care, I may be prepared.
Next; I've already sent Brody the paperwork to sign away his rights. He chooses not to be a part of this child's life, and that is his right, but he will not stop anyone else from becoming their parent. Not that I'm even thinking that far ahead. Who wants to even date a 18 year old has a newborn. Who's kidding, I'll be too busy for such things.
Probably, most importantly, I need to actually tell my dads. I can't sit them down together anymore and speak to them at the same time, but doing it over the phone seems like such a rude way of doing it. This isn't like I'm married and we're excitedly breaking the news to our family. I'm fresh out of high school and pregnant. Me.
Knocking on my door stops the movement of my pen against paper. The dents and divets in the tiny table keep causing holes as I write, making my plan look less than neat. The knocking comes again.
"Come on Berry, open up before I get an STD standing out here." Santana's gruff voice has me scurrying to unlock the extra bolts on the door and letting her in. She stops dead in her tracks as I lock back up behind her. "Well your hovel is uhh…."
"You don't have to sugar coat it." The look on her face really says a lot.
"It looks like an upgrade from a crack house so there's that." She finally looks at me and I notice the bundle of bags in her arms.
"Let me grab one of those."
"It's not like the table is that far away, Berry." Santana drops the bags down and begins pulling off her coat.
"I haven't seen you since I moved out, how did you get my address?" Guilt very briefly passes across her face before she angles her body away from me, throwing her coat on my bed.
"Yeah, I've had some shit going on. That ass Kurt gave me the deets, so here I am." She turns with a flourish and a grin on her face. "And I brought some food, so eat midget."
"You didn't have to Santana." I smile despite myself. I've been mostly eating wilted salads from work with canned beans and frozen vegetables. My mouth waters as she pulls out several containers of Indian food, and some plastic forks. We both sit, Santana shoving a container in front of me. It's possible I moan a little too loudly as the first fork full of food passes my lips.
"Don't get carried away over there." Santana snickers.
"Sorry." We sit a moment, eating in silence, despite the fact there are questions eating away at me. But it's Santana who speaks first, dropping the plastic fork in the take out container.
"Why are you doing this?" She leans back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest.
"What would you have me do?"
"I don't know, but not this." She gestures at the apartment around us.
"This is what I have, so I shall make the best of it. I'm working on my plan." I nod to the paper I was working on when she came over. Santana picks it up, reading it over.
"You haven't told your dads yet?!"
"How am I supposed to explain all of this?"
"What exactly did you say to them when you needed money?"
"I may have told them that Kurt was having his boyfriend move in and it was no longer a viable option to stay roommates." She's looking at me like I've lost my mind, maybe I have.
"Fuck Berry. This is just….this is fucked up. You of all people." She stands, walking around the tiny apartment, looking at the small touches I've made to try and make it seem like a home.
"I don't really need reminding of that, but thank you." Suddenly, I've lost my appetite, so I push my food away. "If I wasn't so stupid, if I wasn't so desperate for someone to love me, if only I could stand being lonely. This wouldn't be happening, but it is and I have to do the best I can. I can't just lay down and give up, I just…..I can't." My bluster dies out to nothing as Santana watches with something like pity. "And you don't need to worry about it. You've got a life, that new girlfriend." I nudge her with a grin, trying to change the topic. "You and Kurt have more space to throw parties now."
"Really? That's what you're taking out of this? There's a baseball bat by the door which has more locks than Fort Knox and…" A volley of gunshots somewhere in the distance fills the air, followed by the screeching of car tires. Santana throws her arms up in the air at me as if it's proving her point.
"Do you have a better option?" Santana remains silent, obviously not having thought that far ahead. "Thank you for your concern, really, I love you for it, but right now this is my best option."
"I don't like this." She says finally. I don't either, but it's my new reality and I have to adjust.
"I'll be ok."
After Santana leaves, I feel more lonely than I have since my first night. Maybe because I haven't really stopped to let myself even think until now. The sudden void left in her absence is all too noticeable. I'll adjust, I'm very used to being on my own after all.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
As the days go on, Santana starts working more of the same shifts that I do, using it as an excuse to see me home and buy me food. She's being a better friend than Kurt who apparently has forgotten my existence. She even sits with me when I tell my dads over the phone finally. There is a lot of crying involved, mostly by daddy who I think is mourning the loss of my career. They don't seem to listen when I inform them that I'm still Broadway bound.
If I don't wake up every morning with a plan and a mantra, I'm not sure I would make it through the day. I'm confessing this to Santana as I lay curled against her side on the bed because there's nowhere to sit, and well we just started to cuddle. And I'm wondering how little it will take for my bubble to pop and everything to come crashing down.
"Do you think Brittany is your soulmate? I want to believe in that, I think I may want to believe too much. Now especially, it seems like such a far off dream. I thought Finn was my true love, but he was my high school love. That love is so young and innocent. We don't really know what it is do we, not yet."
"Why are you thinking about this?"
"I don't even know to be honest. I've always been so desperate for a family of some form. My dads put me into every type of dance and vocal training there was as soon as I could walk. There was very little room for anything else. I always wanted Glee to be a family, I wanted you, Kurt and I to be a family. I guess now it will be my baby and I."
"It doesn't just have to be just you."
"Neither of my dads will want me living with them, and frankly I don't want to." That would be going backwards.
"Let me help you Berry." She turns so we're both on our sides, facing each other. "I'll go to appointments, help you with food, whatever shit you need."
"Santana." I sigh, reaching up to push hair behind her ear, then my palm comes to a rest on her cheek. "You need that money for yourself. I can't ask you to do that."
"You're not asking, I'm volunteering."
"Why?"
"Because….." I can't tell if she can't find the words to say, or if she's having a hard time saying the words she already has. "You mean something." Is the oddly vague response I get.
"Well thank you." I smile as I laugh a little.
"Come on Berry, don't make this difficult." She grins. Clearing my throat, I attempt to wipe the smile from my face.
"All serious now, go ahead."
"We're friends aren't we?"
"I'd like to think so."
"Well I'm trying to get better at this, you know, friends thing."
"I think you're doing a great job Santana. You do more than enough already."
"I'm gonna help, you might as well stop fighting." I roll my eyes at her.
"Well since you want to help so bad, put in Twilight."
"I don't do glittery vampires." She groans.
"Too bad, you offered." Santana cusses under her breath as she puts the DVD in.
"I already regret this." She says, but the smile on her face tells a different story.