Chapter Text
Tears ran down his face as the wind dried them on his cheeks.
He couldn’t help to search out the grounds from the terrace in the high-rise. Kim looked at the exact spot where he stood that morning. He didn’t even have to close his eyes to imagine it. The memory was crystal clear, the way the sun shined down on the younger man. The way he shifted and chuckled nervously as he balanced his guitar on his wobbly knee.
His voice shy and shaky at first made Kim want to send him away even more. He had to sever their closeness, it was no longer to his benefit, and worst of all he was starting to yearn for it.
But the lyrics of the boy’s song hit him straight in his stone cold heart, cracking it in half. Kimhan felt his stomach flip and his heart hammer against his chest like a caged songbird.
Doe brown eyes framed with long black lashes looked straight into his soulless ones. They stole the air from his lungs, they warmed his blood to a boil, and Kim knew it was too late now. He had fallen heels over head for this boy and it hurt like he never thought possible.
It hurt like hell knowing it would end before anything began.
“I’m sorry Porschay…” he sobbed softly to no one. Kim let his silent cries be carried away by the wind as he crumbled to his knees.
He’d spent all day waiting.
Every beep, any sudden buzzing sound in each passing hour made him pick up his cellphone. He went through the motions of the day just awaiting that specific someone to text, call, or hell just show up at his doorstep.
Nothing.
Not a single word from the aloof WIK, nothing.
Porschay made a thousand and one excuses as to why he was left in limbo but not one saved him from feeling lost.
He felt lonely, forgotten, he felt stupid.
What? Did you think you would serenade him lamely and expect Kim to swoon and fall at your feet? Be serious Porschay! After all Kim just sees you as a dumb, eager to please kid.
The torturous words mocked him and it made his eyes sting and stomach tighten.
He hated to admit that the snide voice in his head might be right after all.
Porschay had a choice though.
Fold himself away and forget this love lost or put his big boy pants on and fight for what he knew was meant to be.
“If you think I’m going to give up that easily Kim, you’ve got another thing coming!” he shouted at the empty room, slamming his fists on the desk, making everything rattle.
With a determined streak and a million butterflies in his belly, he took his leave.
He was going to confess to Kim and he was not taking no for an answer.
A lifetime had passed or so it seemed.
Kimhan didn’t know he still had this many tears to shed, let alone feelings left in his heart.
Looking through the Polaroids and worrying the small pick in his hand made him want to scream. To run out and find him, not that he had to look very hard, he had been keeping tabs on the boy after all. Making sure he was safe, even if it was from a far.
He could vividly see him crumble in his doorstep, watched as he yanked himself away and their love, never to bloom, wither under those pitiful sobs.
Kimhan was a monster, he deserved this pain, this aching loneliness. He was nothing but one of his father’s faceless spawn.
The whole debacle with Vegas and Tawan was just a skirmish, a war between the families was coming and he needed Porschay as far away from him as humanly possible.
Just the thought of how he pushed him, how he tore his own heart out and left it bleeding on his doorstep made him sick. From the corner of his eye, he spied his beloved guitar. The same one he had strummed on while thinking of the boy. While composing a song just for the two of them. A song that he had yet to sing for him and now knew he never would.
He spared the instrument one last glance and for the first time in forever he wanted to destroy it, to shatter all he loved like he shattered Porschay.
Packing away the memories that lay on his bed, he closed the box and left it laying there before walking away.
Where to? He didn’t quite know, all he knew is that it was suddenly too hot in his apartment. Too stuffy, too quiet, it was just too empty.
Crying did nothing but hurt his head, screaming and sobbing made him sick to the point where he couldn’t hold anything down anymore. But it was all better than how numb he felt now, watching in the mirror as his friend did God knows what to his hair.
He couldn’t find it in him to care about anything.
Porschay felt like the color had been sucked from his world.
Porsche was no where to be found but thanks to him Chay had a guard a few steps behind him at all times now.
Didn’t his Phi know he wanted him and not some faceless man protecting him?
No one cared about how he felt. No one gave a fuck about what he thought. No one bothered to ask his opinion, because to all of them he was just a fuckin’ kid.
Time blurred and they were now at the bar with a bunch of seniors and graduated upper classmen. Porschay took shot after shot of what he could only describe as pure lemon juice and motor oil down his throat.
The annoying drunk people around him were just so loud. Laughing too hard, sloshing drinks everywhere, and passing around something out of a Ziploc bag.
He was almost tempted but decided not to reach for it, but his friend’s brother kept insisting it was the only cure for what ailed him.
Chay shook his head meekly, feeling like he had scrambled his thoughts. His brain felt foggy and his tongue felt raw, he was still well aware of his surroundings. Yet he let himself be pushed over. Reaching for the small pill, he brought it to his lips.
It's just like aspirin, it’ll make it all go away man!
I heard the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone new!
It was all a whirl wind of catcalls, whistling, and cheers, but the pill never made it to his tongue. It was smacked away and the perpetrator looked like a vengeful angel.
Anger, sorrow, love, lust, a sense of loss, it all swirled inside him as he watched the man he loved pretty much beat the crap out of friends and strangers alike.
Those strong hands were on him and standing him up on wobbly feet in seconds.
Chay stumbled and yelled trying to keep up with Kimhan’s brisk pace out of the bar. The way he was lecturing him and mumbling about how stupid be was, made him halt.
Planting his feet, he yanked his wrist away from the man.
“Since when do you give a shit huh? If I’m such a bother, such a pain in the ass why are you here huh? Why?! Leave me alone Kimhan. You don’t care about anything or anyone but yourself!” he found his voice was deeper, weighed down with tears that he would never let fall again.
Watching Kim recoil and those dark mysterious eyes turn to hurt made him want to scream.
Scream and ask him how did it feel, to be torn to pieces by someone you thought loved you. Yet he staid quiet, let his words do the damage as he turned towards the door.
“Then why am I here?...why can’t I stop looking for you, waiting for you, hoping to catch a glimpse of you? Why can’t I stop thinking about you and dreaming about you? If I didn’t care then why am I here, right now Porschay?” the trembling melodic tone of his voice and those words made him stop in his tracks.
He wanted to stand his ground, to not turn, but his body moved on it’s own. Looking up at the eyes he admired for so long made speak without thinking.
“Pity? Self-righteous guilt? I don’t know Kim, or is it WIK? I don’t know who you are but you know everything about me. So you tell me, why are you here?” his voice was devoid of all feeling, or was it full of it, he couldn’t tell at this point.
He didn’t wait for an answer.
It wouldn’t change anything would it? His heart would still be in pieces. His brother and him would still be pretty much estranged. He would still be waking up at night in cold sweat from the time he was captured. Porschay would still be broken and Kim’s words would mean nothing at all.
Just this time it was his turn to leave his heart behind but why did it hurt so fuckin badly.
Tbc?