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Most people, when they meet Remus Lupin, expect him to be a recluse at parties. They expect him to hide away in some corner, and nurse his drink until it’s hit a reasonable hour to mutter excuses and head up to bed.
What those people don’t yet know is that Remus Lupin is a very, very clingy drunk.
Today, for example, he’s cuddled up in James’ arms as James refills their drinks and Remus watches Sirius and Regulus bicker loudly over the name of the brightest color of pink.
It’s a pretty boring argument, in all honesty, but they’re standing on a table and speaking very loudly, so it’s rather hard to not focus on whatever Sirius is saying.
And, even if they had been silent across the room, Remus guesses his eyes would’ve found Sirius anyway, because his stupid brain is a masochist with a fixation on his best friend.
While Remus gets clingy when drunk, Sirius gets argumentative- not for the sake of a fight, Remus thinks, but for the sake of conversation. Sometimes Sirius forgets how to talk to people the way people want him to talk to them- forgets how to keep up the facade he’s created- so he just gets combative instead of being himself.
From his spot under James’ arm, Remus has a fairly open view of the rest of the party. It’s one of Gryffindor’s smallest- just a celebration of a prank that had left all of the Ravenclaw quidditch players with blue hair for a week (making them easier to spot on the pitch). Really, the older years- in all houses, even Ravenclaw’s here- had just been looking for an excuse to drink, and had found it within the Marauders.
Drinks have been charmed to be available only for sixth and seventh years, and most people have gone up to bed by now, bored by the prospect of no drinks or enticed by the prospect of a full nights sleep before a day of study.
At this point in the night, it’s really only Remus’s friends- still up and celebrating their achievement- that are out, plus a few stragglers. Hufflepuffs and Slytherins, mostly, as they’ve not won a match and had their own excuse to party in ages (only a few weeks, really, but Remus is giving them the benefit of the doubt, it’s been long enough).
Lily, Mary and Peter are sitting on the couch in front of Sirius and Regulus’s table, cheering them on as if they’re holding an actual debate.
Marlene and Dorcas are huddled in an armchair by the fire, seemingly racing to finish their cups first- cups that they’ve charmed to be bottomless. Remus thinks about intervening, but ultimately decides that he’ll enjoy making fun of them in the morning more than he will being reprimanded by them tonight.
Regulus’ friends, Evan, Barty, and Pandora, are off playing with matches in the corner, and Remus would honestly just rather not ask.
People are singing, and dancing, spread out around the common room in various drunken states.
Sirius and Regulus are still arguing.
Eventually, James places a refilled cup into Remus’ hand quite unceremoniously, drawing him away from where he had been staring at Sirius’ collarbone, exposed where his blouse has fallen.
Remus knows without even looking away the look James is giving him. “Not a word,” he says.
James simply laughs and kisses his cheek. He, like Remus, is a clingy drunk, which is why they always seek each other out at parties like these. “You should talk to him. You know that, right? If you avoid him all night he’s going to get pouty.”
Remus smiles at the thought. Sirius is quite cute when he pouts. But, still, “Wouldn’t want that, would we?”
“Exactly,” James laughs knowingly. He pushes him forward, and Remus blows him a kiss as he walks away- James catches it and tucks it away in his pocket.
Unfortunately, Remus is still quite drunk, and somehow on the way to Sirius and Regulus’ table, he gets a bit lost, and walks directly into Lily, who is- was, now- dancing with Peter, jumping up and down to whatever song is playing at the moment.
“Lily!” he shouts, perhaps a bit too excitedly.
He’s lost track of how much he’s drunk tonight, but he knows it’s enough for him to regret his decisions in the morning. He tries to stifle his smile, thinking of poor Morning Moony’s humility, but he ends up just feeling foolish and going back to grinning. He isn’t Morning Moony, and therefore can do whatever he pleases, and leave the consequences to someone else (him, of course, although that doesn’t quite register at the moment). “Lily!” he says again with his newfound freedom to do as he wishes.
“Remus!” she says back in the same tone, less drunkenly and more mockingly. Remus wrinkles his nose at her.
Peter grins at him. “I can’t believe James has let you out of his sight, honestly.”
They’re still standing in front of Regulus and Sirius’ table, close enough to have to shout to be heard over their arguing- discussing who is is better at transfiguration, now- but far enough to not be acknowledged by either of them, and trying to goad Mary into joining so they have substantial numbers to convince the brothers to jump down, which- oh, there they are. Remus smiles as he looks up at Sirius. He’s just so pretty. Even when he’s yelling obscenities at his little brother, he’s gorgeous.
Maybe Remus should stop drinking.
“He wants me to talk to Sirius.”
Lily giggles. She’s more drunk than he had initially thought, but Lily’s always held her drinks better than Remus has. “Are you sure that’s the best idea right now?” she says, looking down at where he’s subconsciously grabbed onto her hand.
Remus finally looks away from Sirius to glare at her. His feelings for Sirius are pretty much the worst kept secret in Gryffindor tower. He’s quite sure everyone but Sirius knows, at this point.
“Yes,” he huffs. “If I don’t, he’ll get sad.”
“And why do you think that is, Remus?”
“He’s very needy, Lils, you know how he is.”
She shakes her head with a small smile and shoves him forward, grabbing his new drink right out of his hand. “Go on, then.”
Remus grins as he gets closer to Sirius. He stops right at the edge of the table they’re standing on, looking up at him. For a second, he just watches, content to do so forever.
But Sirius sees him down there and grins.
“Moony!” he slurs, abandoning his argument with Regulus to pull Remus up onto the table with them.
Regulus grins at Remus as Sirius grabs his hand to help him up and keeps it there. “Remus,” he says politely before making eye contact with Sirius, rolling his eyes and climbing off the table with a smirk. He walks over to the recently abandoned James and steals the drink right out of his hands.
Sirius grins up at Remus from where he’s ended up, way too close for comfort. Or, well, Remus is actually quite comfortable so close to Sirius, but really he knows he shouldn’t be. He takes a step back, and Sirius frowns, holding tight to his hand. His eyes brighten as the song changes, some poppy muggle song he and Mary love, and he smiles again.
“Dance with me, Moons,” he says with a grin. Remus tries to refuse, shaking his head with a smile, but Sirius keeps his hold on Remus’ hand tight as he maneuvers their bodies into the right position for an exaggerated waltz (which does not fit the chosen song at all, but Remus will keep quiet for the sake of being this close to Sirius, just for a little while), still on top of the table.
As they dance, Sirius lays his head on Remus’s shoulder and hums.
“I despise the fact that you know this song, you know.”
“Yes, yes, you’re a music snob. And yet you’re still dancing with me, so I win.”
But really, as Remus sways with Sirius’ head on his shoulder, his arms around him, as if the rest of the party doesn’t even exist when they’re so close together, he can’t help but think that he won, in the end.
✩ ☽
When Remus wakes up in the morning, the first thing he notices is the pounding in his head. The second is that he’s much warmer than usual. The third is the waist his arm is wrapped around, and the breath fanning his face.
The second it registers he stiffens, and the body curled around him huffs out a laugh.
“Good morning, Moonshine,” they say, softly.
Sirius.
Remus smiles preemptively as he opens his eyes and finds Sirius staring right back.
“Morning, Pads,” he says quietly, as though not to disturb the little bubble of peace around them, formed by the glow of the sun peeking through Remus’ closed curtains.
Sirius grins up at him, starlight encompassed, and scoots closer, nudging Remus’ chin with his nose until there’s enough space to rest his head against his neck.
Remus’ head is pounding, and his mouth is dry, but Sirius is so close his breath warms Remus’ neck, so he makes a quick decision that water is not worth moving away from this.
Sirius and Remus’ relationship has always been… strange.
They are, in all obvious ways, polar opposites. Remus enjoys reading, and sweaters, and tea, while Sirius enjoys jinxing, and leather, and fire whiskey.
When people meet them, they expect them to hate each other. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Sirius and James have a very physical friendship- James shows his love through touch, and Sirius is no exception to that.
But Sirius and Remus…
The touches they share are different.
Intimate, almost.
In first year, Sirius had had a nightmare. It wasn’t the first, and it wasn’t the last, but it was the turning point. His screams had broken through his muffliato- this was well before he learned to properly cast a silencing spell- and woken Remus up.
Sirius hid himself in the common room, sitting in the furthest corner from anything, tucked away on the ground, arms around his knees.
Remus found him like that, only a few minutes after he left, and sat with him. He didn’t say anything, but he sat with him, and eventually, Sirius leaned over onto his shoulder, and fell asleep.
For the first few years, after that night, Sirius had slipped into Remus’ bed each time he had a nightmare. But, eventually, it became more frequent, until James and Peter were more concerned when one woke up alone when than they were when they found them in together in the mornings.
It kills Remus, sometimes- the proximity. Knowing that Sirius is so close, but so far; that Remus loves him, but he can’t.
But, he’ll take what he can get, even if it’s platonic touches, burning through his skin every minute of every day.
Sirius groans into his neck, and Remus smiles. “Ready to face the world again, or do you need a few more minutes?”
He groans again, but pulls away, squinting up at Remus. He doesn’t go far- settles on Remus’ shoulder, laying on his side and stretching with a frown.
“I am never drinking again.”
“You said that three days ago after you threw up in Prongs’ shoe. Forgive me if I don’t quite believe you.”
Sirius makes a face at him before settling back down. “A few more minutes before breakfast, okay? Don’t think I’d be able to get up if I tried.”
Remus nods- he’s starving, really, the full is only a few days away and he can feel his appetite increase with each pull of the tide, but he’s not going to curl over and die because Sirius got a few extra minutes of rest.
Rather than closing his eyes, or summoning a careful glass of water, like Remus had expected, Sirius turns back towards Remus and just… looks at him.
He’s not uncomfortable with the inspection, so he lets him. Sirius eyes trace his face like they’re looking for something, something Remus doesn’t quite understand.
Eventually he smiles. “Did you know you have a scar,” he says softly, “right here? Just under your nose.” His pointer finger gently traces the line, a small slash above his lip.
He had gotten it at some point in his third year. One of the few scars he has that’s not from a full moon. He’d been walking to the table in the Great Hall, and tripped over his robes- new ones, that year. They came second hand, and were too long. He had went face first into the corner of the table and tore open the skin right above his lip. Sirius had caught him before he hit the floor.
“Did I know that I had the scar?” he says with a smirk. The movement of his mouth nudges Sirius’ finger onto his lip. Sirius keeps it there, and stares. “I did, yeah.” He tries to move his mouth as little as possible, and his voice comes out breathy. Sirius tears his finger away like Remus’ mouth burns.
He scrunches his eyebrows, asking a question without words, but Sirius just shakes his head, breathless, suddenly.
He sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed, looking over his shoulder to ask, “D’you think Prongs has got that potion today, or will he have run out?”
“I-“ Remus struggles to even comprehend a response. He’s not sure what happened, just now, but it felt… significant. “I’d assume he saved some for us. You know how he gets when you’re hungover.”
“Very true, Moonbeam. He’d better hope he saved some. Maybe I'll puke in another shoe as retribution, if he didn't.” And with that, Sirius hops off the bed, tension in his shoulders, and makes his way to the bathroom.
“Sirius,” Remus calls, before he can close the door.
“Yeah, Remus?” he says. He looks almost- annoyed. But there’s something else there too. It reminds Remus of those first few years, before he moved to James’, the blank facade he would put on whenever he felt… overwhelmed. Remus doesn’t know what he’s done to overwhelm Sirius, but instantly, he wants to undo it.
“I just… I-” he stops and sighs. “D’you want me to get you some water, for when you come out?”
Sirius’ eyes soften, even if only for a moment. “Yes, please. That would be lovely.”
He shuts the door, and Remus breathes out a sigh.
Sometimes, Sirius gets like this. Quiet, and withdrawn, and an absolute shit liar about it, but… this time feels different. Remus can’t pick out a distinctive reason for him to close off now, and still, his tension feels like a tipping point, a reason to brace himself.
He steps off of the bed- Sirius’, today, it seems- and winces as back pinches. It’s a Sunday, which means no lessons, but likely plenty of studying. Hopefully, the Marauders will be able to hog the common room after breakfast, so Remus can crash on the couch and not think about moving for another few hours. Maybe Sirius will even let him play with his hair.
As soon as he has the thought, he rolls his eyes at himself. It’s sad, really, how much of his happiness relies on Sirius being alright with him.
When Sirius finally makes his way out of the bathroom, Remus quickly brushes his teeth, eager to finally get to breakfast.
Sirius isn’t in the mood for conversation as they walk down to the common room, but before they reach the portrait hole, he stops them.
“Remus…” he starts, “you- er- you’ve got-” he gestures towards his own mouth, and Remus frowns in confusion. “You just… you’ve got- toothpaste. Just-” he reaches up for Remus’ mouth, and visibly flinches as his finger touches Remus’ lip. “-there,” he finishes lamely, pulling away so Remus can wipe it off himself.
"Thanks.”
Sirius nods, and doesn’t talk again as they walk to the Great Hall.
By the time they make it to breakfast, the Great Hall is filled to the brim. They’ve missed the early risers, but on the weekends people like to stay in and eat for as long as food is out.
Sirius plops down next to James and holds his hand out, not saying a word.
Remus takes his seat next to Peter-across from Sirius- far more gracefully, thank you, and smirks as James rolls his eyes and pulls out two small glass vials, filled to the brim with a deep purple liquid, and throws them at the two of them.
Remus catches his with a smile and thanks James, while Sirius’ hits him in the eyebrow and lands on his lap. He puts a hand to his heart like he's been greatly wounded and moans. James rolls his eyes, and picks the potion up from Sirius' lap, pushing it in between the fingers on his chest.
“Nice try," Sirius scoffs with a smirk. "You have to pour it in my mouth now, Prongs.”
“What?”
“You tried to maim my best feature! Pour the potion in my mouth.”
James looks exasperatedly at Remus, who smirks at Peter and shrugs. “I think you’ve got to do what he says, mate.”
Sirius nods, eyebrows raised in defiance.
“Merlin.”
But, James does it, because James loves him. Remus grins at Sirius as he swallows, tipping his own vial in cheers, and drinking the hangover potion in one sip. The second he does, he’s left only with aches from the moon, which are considerably worse than they had been last night, and he winces.
“Alright, Remus?” Sirius asks, all weirdness from this morning seemingly gone.
He nods, and starts to fill up his plate. James and Peter have started talking about the match against Ravenclaw the next weekend, but Sirius cocks his head and nudges Remus under the table with his foot.
Remus smiles gently at him, and hooks their legs together. Sirius smiles back- small and private, just for him- and starts eating.
✩ ☽
Despite Sirius’ return to normal, Remus couldn’t help but think that something was… off, with him.
After breakfast, he had gone off to the quidditch pitch, to fly around with James for a few hours while Remus visited the library with Lily. When they got back to the common room, an hour or so after Remus and Lily, Sirius had instantly transformed into Padfoot and laid his head on Marlene’s lap.
Usually, Sirius is more careful about where and when he transforms, but something about his body language when he walked in, and it’s shift when he transformed, kept anyone from asking, even when he turned back.
What really told Remus that something was off, was when they went up to bed. Remus had gone up before the rest of them, his body was aching more and more as time went on, and he wanted to be as awake as possible for lessons the next day. He had been lying in his own bed, lights off, waiting for Sirius to come in and join him- and Sirius had come in, opened the curtains and said hello, but then he squeezed Remus’ hand, and made his way over to his own bed.
So, the next morning, when Remus wakes up colder than he’s been in months, the first one up in a dorm room full of snores, he elects to let everyone else sleep in, choosing, instead of waking everyone up, to silently make his way downstairs, and read in the armchair by the fire.
Remus is trying not to take it personally, the fact that Sirius chose to sleep alone. There are plenty of plausible reasons for it- he needed to be alone, he wasn’t ready to go to sleep yet, he wanted to sleep in, he hates Remus and knows that he’s in love with him and therefore Remus has ruined their entire friendship and consequently the rest of their time at Hogwarts and-
Yeah.
Lots of possibilities.
But it doesn’t have to mean anything, as long as Remus doesn’t make it into something it’s not. So, when he hears movement in the dorms, he doesn’t bolt, like he wants to- he waits for the three of them to come down, and when they look at him questioningly, he tells them that he couldn’t sleep from the moon, only 3 days away now, rather than being honest and telling them that sleeping without Sirius by his side doesn’t feel like sleeping at all.
And when Sirius doesn’t say a word to him at breakfast, he pretends he doesn’t notice, pretends he isn’t bothered. He may love Sirius, but Sirius does not love him, and that’s- that’s okay. He’s allowed space, if he wants it. Remus can stop being clingy for a day, and deal with it, even if it means a quiet breakfast, and an even quieter History of Magic.
By the time they’ve finished potions and all Sirius has said to him is, “Pass the lacewings, will you, Moony?” Remus is begging to panic, just a little. Because really, Sirius doesn’t look mad, especially not at Remus. He just looks kind of… sad.
And, well, Remus can deal with an angry Sirius. He’s done it plenty of times before. But Sirius is rarely ever visibly sad outside of their dorms, which means that this must be something big. And, honestly, Remus is quite shit at dealing with big feelings, but for Sirius, he tries.
While Remus had Ancient Runes, Sirius has Muggle Studies, on the opposite side of the castle. Usually, they meet in the middle to make their way to Transfiguration together, but today, Remus has to jog a bit to reach Sirius, who kept walking without even looking for him.
“Padfoot?” he calls. “Sirius.”
Finally, he stops.
“Yeah, Moony? Everything okay?”
“What? Yes- yes, I’m fine,” he says, although he’s out of breath and definitely in pain from the jog over.
Sirius brows pinch, and as much as Remus wants acknowledgement from Sirius today, he doesn’t want it to be about this.
Sirius tries to say something, but Remus beats him to it. “You just seem… distant, today, Padfoot. Are you alright?”
His eyes tighten, but all he says is, “Of course, Moons. Just feeling a little sick, is all. I’m… I’ll be alright.”
And then he just… walks away. Doesn’t wait for Remus, doesn’t say another word. Just stalks off towards Transfiguration, as if Remus had never stopped him to begin with.
The tipping point comes after classes.
Sirius’ last class of the day is Astronomy. In the warmer months, it’s held deep in the night, when the stars are brightest, but it’s winter now, and it’s cold, and the sun comes down much earlier, so Sirius is usually back by 6.
Remus has already decided that he’s going to try to talk to him again, to corner him in the dorm or something, anything to figure out what’s wrong.
Remus may love Sirius, but he was his friend first. The hurt from being ignored is immeasurable compared to the hurt from Sirius being in pain.
As he waits for his class to finish, he sits in the common room with the girls, Mary on the floor painting her nails a strikingly bright green, Marlene on the couch next to him reading a quidditch magazine, and Lily on the floor in front of him as he braids her hair.
Eventually James and Peter join them, fingertips dyed green and smelling slightly of smoke- Remus doesn’t ask. He’ll likely know by morning, anyway.
Still, the common room remains strikingly empty of Sirius.
Remus is attempting a French braid on Lily when he finally arrives, fingers tangled several ways within her hair as he tries to wrangle the ends into some sort of cohesive braid.
It’s impossible to not know when Sirius black enters a room. The second he’s through the portrait hole, he’s whining. “Moonyyyyy,” he says, the grin he’s fighting off audible as he tries to sound wronged. “Would you do my hair for me, Moons? Marls just doesn’t do it like you do.”
Marlene makes an indignant sound from where she sits, half-hearted as the majority of her attention stays on the quidditch magazine.
Sirius hasn’t made it to the couch yet, so he can’t see Remus’ finger tangled in Lily’s hair. Remus grins, and pauses his braiding, turning over his shoulder to look at Sirius.
This is what he’s been waiting for all day. An opening. An opportunity. Just something. “Finally decided to speak to me again, Padfoot? Took you long enough.”
He’s not expecting for Sirius’ face to go slack, or for his grin to drop as he keeps walking forward. “Are you doing Lily’s hair?”
Remus frowns. “Yeah, but it’ll only take me another minute. I’ve been at it for a while, I’m almost done.”
“You’ve been at it for a while,” he repeats, slowly.
“Yeah, but I can do yours too.” Remus knows that he has to tread very carefully, but he’s not quite sure why this is setting Sirius off. He’d been so happy just a moment ago. “Come, sit down. You can lay in my lap while you wait. I’ll even do yours from there, if you’d like.”
“I- No.”
“No?”
“No. Excuse me.”
Remus watches as Sirius quickly makes his way up the stairs, stiff as he walks. He looks to James, as he watches where Sirius disappeared sadly.
“James? What just… what was that?”
James shares a glance with Peter, and Remus feels incredibly excluded. “I think you’ve got to talk to him, Moony.” Peter nods.
“I- Okay. Yeah, okay. I’ll- I’ll just finish this, Lily, give me one second.”
“Merlin’s sake, Remus, my hair is not that important,” she smiles weakly, tilting her head back so he can see her face. “Go get him.”
Remus nods, slowly, and pulls his hands away from her hair. He’s still not quite sure what’s going on, to be honest, but everyone else in the common room is looking at him solemnly, as if they know exactly what’s going on, and do not envy his position.
He furrows his brows, hoping for some sort of hint, or explanation, but he gets nothing, so he makes his way up to the dorm.
He finds Sirius, standing completely still in front of the windowsill. Not moving, or speaking, or doing anything. Just standing there, shoulders tense, chest heaving.
Remus doesn’t even think he notices he’s entered the dorm.
“Sirius…?” he says slowly, unsure of how his presence will be taken.
Sirius swipes a hand over his cheek as he turns around with a too-bright grin. “Moony!” he says cheerily. “You’ve snuck up on me.”
Remus almost smiles back, instinctive, like it’s woven into his DNA to grin the moment he can look into Sirius Black’s eyes.
But-
Something’s just… off.
Remus doesn’t know what it is that tips him off. The slight hitch of Sirius’ breath; the way he had just been standing there, at the window; the false brightness of his eyes; the wipe of his face as he walked in.
Remus swallows.
“Remus,” Sirius questions warily, “what’s wrong?”
And that. That’s what does it, really. The fear in his voice. The waver as he watches Remus take him in. Like he knows that Remus sees something is wrong, and it terrifies him.
“You’re crying,” is all Remus says in return.
He can’t really… think, right now. All he knows is that Sirius is in pain, and he’s right in front of him, and he has to do something.
“No I’m not, Moony, don’t be ridiculous.” Except there are tears welling in his eyes and his fingers clutch the windowsill behind him so hard they’re turning white.
Remus doesn’t respond, doesn’t think, he just moves.
Slowly, as to not scare him, Remus moves towards Sirius. When he reaches him, he gently grabs his hands and pries them off the windowsill, bunching them together in his hands and holding them against his chest, against his heart.
“Sirius. I know this isn’t- it isn’t about hair. Not really. You’ve been avoiding me all day, I can tell something’s wrong.”
Sirius tries to pull his hands out from Remus’ grip, but Remus flattens them over his heart.
“Nothings wrong, Remus, I’m fine- I’m- I’m-” But the tears are falling now, and as soon as they’ve started they can’t stop. Remus feels something inside of him break because- Sirius is still trying. Still pretending nothing’s wrong, even though the evidence of it is falling down his face like an avalanche of emotions.
“Sirius please,” Remus pleads. “What have I done? Whatever it is I’ll- I’ll fix it, I swear it.”
Sirius shakes his head, his hair sticking to his tears as he gives up, and collapses in Remus’ arms. Remus quickly shifts his hands, trapping Sirius’ between their chests and grabbing onto his waist to keep him upright.
“You haven’t done anything, Remus. It’s me. It’s always me.”
Remus moves Sirius back, brushing some of his hair off of his face, tilting his face up so he’ll look into his eyes. “You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong, love. I can’t help you if you don’t.”
But Sirius squeezes his eyes shut and moves his hands so that they’re holding onto Remus’ forearms, like he’s begging. “That,” he says. “That’s what’s wrong, Moony, I can’t- I can’t.”
“Can’t what, Sirius? I don’t- I don’t know how to help you.”
Sirius breathes out slowly from his mouth and opens his eyes. The pain behind them is immeasurable, and Remus feels like he’s drowning, somehow, in starlight. Like nothing could ever get brighter than what Sirius’ eyes reflect, and Remus wants to shield himself from the light, but he can’t. He won’t.
“I don’t know how to do this, Remus, I’m- I just-”
“How to do what, Sirius?” he says, gently. “You’re not making any sense.”
“This!” he says. “Christ, us, Moony, I can’t- I can’t do it anymore.” His voice breaks. “It’s too much.”
“What? What do you mean us, Sirius? What- can’t do us?”
“Yes, Remus, us! You just- you don’t get it, right, and that’s the problem.” He leans their foreheads together, and Remus struggles to breathe with Sirius so close. “I don’t want to be a terrible friend, Moony,” he whispers. “And I’m afraid that if I tell you, you’ll think I am. Know I am. I can’t lose you, Remus, but it’s killing me to stay like this.”
“I don’t understand,” Remus says, closing his eyes and nudging his nose into Sirius’. He thinks that he may cry, which is the last thing he needs with Sirius pressed so close and nowhere to hide it. He can’t bear to look at Sirius anymore, not at the wounded face he’s making, not at the decisiveness in his eyes. “Please just- just explain and I promise we can- we can figure it out, yeah? You’re not a terrible friend. You’re- my best friend, okay? My favorite person. I can’t help you if you won’t tell me.”
Somehow Sirius leans even closer. Remus can feel his breath on his mouth. His hands shake on Remus’ arms, Remus’ hands on his hips shaking in tandem.
He doesn’t know what’s happening. If they’re fighting, or- well it almost feels like they’re breaking up, which is ridiculous, because they’re not together, not at all, and- and-
Tears are slipping out of Remus’ closed eyes. One of Sirius’ hands leaves his arm to fit in the little space left between their faces and brush them away.
When his hand pulls away, it doesn’t go far. Sirius grips the side of his neck like it’s the only thing keeping him up. Remus shifts to hold that arm, to keep it there.
Remus doesn’t know what Sirius could possibly be so worried about, but hundreds of outcomes flash through his mind. Sirius has remembered James is a better friend than Remus ever could be and is leaving him forever. Sirius has finally understood just how dangerous werewolves are- how dangerous Remus is. Sirius has realized Remus is in love with him.
Sirius, Sirius, Sirius.
He opens his eyes, and finds Sirius looking right back at him. Not that there’s much room for him to look anywhere else. He’s got tears streaking his face as well, and he’s looking at Remus with a deadly seriousness.
“Remus, you- you have to promise me, okay? Promise you won’t hate me for this.”
“I promise. I promise, Sirius, what-”
But he doesn’t finish, because his mouth is quite suddenly occupied.
Sirius moves their mouths together violently, as if he believes it’ll be the last thing he’ll ever do. Remus is stunned at first, dazed and unmoving, but then Sirius begins to pull away, roughly, as though he feels unwelcome, as if there’s anywhere else he’d be more welcome than here. Remus makes a wounded noise he didn’t even know he was capable of and jumps into action, harshly pulling Sirius’ mouth back onto him.
Remus had been wrong, earlier, when he thought the pain behind Sirius’ eyes had been the brightest he could burn, because if the pain in his eyes had been bright enough to drown in, this? This is bright enough to swim in. To lose himself in, forever, happily. To keep him from drowning, to hold him up and let him bask in the light. Sirius lives up to his name, the brightest star in the sky, the brightest star in Remus’ heart, his light shining, and shining, and shining on and on until Remus can’t breathe.
He pulls away, panting, but keeps Sirius’ face right there, close enough to illuminate Remus’ entire life if he wanted to.
“You- that- you-” Remus doesn’t even know. Doesn’t have the words. Doesn’t have the mental capacity at the moment. Sirius Black just kissed him. Sirius Black just had a day long mental break down because he wanted to kiss him.
“You kissed me back,” is all Sirius says. It’s breathless, the way he says it, reverent, and Remus groans and kisses him again.
Sirius pushes him away- the bastard- and says, “Wait, wait, Remus, wait.”
Remus pushes their foreheads together and nods, impatient and eager. “I kissed you back.”
Sirius hesitates, and then whispers into his mouth- Remus feels like he could die, right there on the spot- “Why?”
And okay, yes, Remus’ knees are jelly, and his brain is on fire, and his eyes almost sting from the pure light Sirius seems to be giving off, but he will not allow Sirius to one up him here- two can play at this game. He nudges Sirius mouth open gently with his lips, and whispers, “You first.”
Sirius chokes on a breath and pushes forward to kiss him again, open mouthed and messy, harsher than they had been before, over and over and over until Remus finally pries away.
“Okay,” he says, panting. “Okay. We should- talk. We should do that.”
“Yeah,” Sirius replies, out of breath and quiet. “Talk.”
Remus pulls further back- not very far, because he thinks too much distance may kill him, but far enough to look places other than his mouth- because genuinely, he does not trust himself right now. Now that he knows what it’s like to kiss Sirius Black, he’s not sure he’ll ever willingly do anything else again.
“You kissed me,” he says, rather dumbly. “And you- you said a lot of stuff before that. Why?”
“Because I want to be the best of friends for ever and ever, Remus,” he deadpans. “C'mon Moony, you're smarter than this. I’m in love with you. Fully. Irrevocably. It’s actually quite annoying how much I love you.”
“You- what?”
“I know, you’re not… not in love with me, or anything, that’s fine, but I just… I couldn’t keep going like we were, Moons. Waking up next to you everyday, knowing that I had you, but not… not how I wanted. I don’t know why this week was so… harsh, but I just… couldn’t. I couldn’t take it anymore.”
Remus nods, slowly, and then stops. “Wait- what? Not in love with you?”
Sirius smiles, a small, reserved one, almost self-conscious. “It’s alright. I'm assuming you like me, at least, after that, but I don't... I don’t mind. I just… needed you to know, you know?”
Remus nods again, because he does know. “I’ve been in love with you since we were 13. Just so you know.”
Now it’s Sirius’ turn to be speechless. He takes a second, looks down at Remus’ mouth, and then nods, decisively. “Okay. Enough talking.”
“Yep.”
They haven’t gone very far, but the space that has to be crossed to reach Sirius’ lips feels like an entire galaxy, such a distance to reach just one star, but worth it all the while. Even as Remus backs them up towards his bed, he never wants to be that far apart from him again. It dawns on him briefly that this development will not be very helpful with reducing just how clingy he is with Sirius, but then Sirius’ mouth moves from his lips to his neck, and he forgets every single thought he could possibly have.
✩ ☽
When Remus wakes up the next morning, warm and sated, the first thing he notices is the gentle, unmoving lips on his neck. The second thing is the warm body rolled completely on top of him in sleep. The third is Sirius Black’s hair in his mouth.
He tries to pick it out carefully in an attempt to not wake Sirius up, but he’s always been a light sleeper, and he groans as he wakes.
“Good morning, Moonbeam,” he mutters into Remus’ shoulder.
“Morning, Sirius,” Remus responds softly, teasing his fingers through Sirius’ hair.
Sirius shifts his face just enough to kiss Remus on the cheek, tightening his hold on Remus’- well, entire body. He’s fully on top of him, like some sort of koala.
Remus shifts his face, just enough so he can reach Sirius’ mouth. Sirius kisses him with reverence, and Remus can’t help but sit up, toppling the two of them over so that Sirius is on his back and Remus is lying precariously over him.
Remus pulls away with a smile and Sirius chases him with a laugh.
“D’you think we could get out of lessons today? I can think of some much better uses of our time,” he says, smirk audible as he looks up at Remus and fully wakes up.
“Your silencing charms have worn off!” James shouts from outside the curtains.
“Your silencing charms are shit,” Peter adds with a laugh.
“Nice try, Pads,” Remus says quietly, just for him, with a smile, sitting up and gently moving Sirius off of him.
He pouts, and Remus can’t help but kiss him.
And then kiss him more.
And then James, awful, awful James, opens his curtains.
“C’mon, breakfast! Breakfast. Moony is a growing werewolf and if we miss it he’s going to eat our grandmas or something. Let’s go.”
He smacks Sirius, who squawks indignantly, over the head, and ruffles Remus’ bedhead.
“I’m giving the two of you two minutes to get dressed, and if you’re not in the common room by then, I’ll send Lily to beat you up. And I expect details when you get down there, lads. Details!”
Sirius, already over being swatted, salutes James and wiggles his fingers at Peter as they leave, and then immediately turns and tries to kiss Remus again.
Remus pushes him off with a laugh, and throws his shirt at him as he stands. Despite his soreness from the moon, the emotional turmoil of the past few days, Remus genuinely does not think he’s ever been happier.
They have more to talk about, of course- so, so much, but for now, Remus presses a kiss against Sirius’ lips as they leave the dorm, and he knows for sure that he absolutely has won.