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It had been quite the month for Ludwig. All of it had started with strange dreams. He was younger, smaller, in a familiar house, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. Sometimes Rodriech and Erzsebet were there, sometimes it was Gilbert, but most of the time it was a little girl in a green dress who looked scarily similar to Feliciano.
For weeks he tried to ignore them, but they all came to a head when Francis entered his dreams, staring down at him coldly, sword pressed against his chest. That night, he had awoken in a cold sweat.
These weren’t normal dreams Ludwig came to realize. In the end, he confided in Gilbert about them and everything was pieced together. He was the Holy Roman Empire, at least according to Gilbert. Gilbert had theorized this for a while since Ludwig apparently came from Holy Rome’s grave when he was born, but he had no memories of his time as Holy Rome until now, so Gilbert never said anything. It was a lot to process, but it did seem the most logical idea given the way the stories Gilbert shared aligned with the dreams Ludwig had been having. So there was his answer. But that answer still left so many questions. Who was he? What did this mean? So many relationships had been lost, so many memories still laying dormant. He didn’t feel like Holy Rome, but he no longer felt like himself either.
As if things weren’t difficult enough, it didn’t take long before the whole world was aware. There was celebration, and many happy tears, but Ludwig still felt lost.
Time went on, more memories came back in the form of dreams, and he even finally got together with Feliciano. He had always liked Feliciano, but it was unrequited for years as Feliciano waited for his lost love. But Ludwig ended up being that lost love. When he had confessed to the Italian the second time, as Holy Rome, he had never seen his friend happier. For a moment, Ludwig had believed that maybe this whole situation wasn’t so bad.
But that feeling didn’t last. Questions spun around Ludwig’s head, the hollow feeling from before returned, he couldn’t focus as his mind wandered to his past. Not even the affection of Feliciano seemed to put any of his anxieties to rest. If anything, it was making it worse.
He would babble on and on about their childhood, still holes in Ludwig’s memory. And even the ones he had seemed distant. Looking back it was as if watching someone else’s life flash before him. But he refused to admit that. Everyone was so much happier now. Gilbert, Ersebet, Feliciano. He couldn’t rip Holy Roman away from them again.
He found himself spacing out more often after these memories resurfaced. It was the only time he felt any semblance of peace from his loud mind.
It was that spaced-out state Arthur had found him in. “Ludwig,” he said seriously, “I need to talk to you.”
Ludwig was shaken out of his blank daydream. “Arthur?”
“In private.”
Arthur’s eyes were hard. He didn’t look angry, but something was searing hot in his gaze. Ludwig silently obeyed, rising to his feet, and letting Arthur lead him to a small conference room. The Brit pulled out a chair, gesturing for Ludwig to sit. Ludwig complied. Arthur sat beside him.
“Now…” Arthur began, “I’m not going to let you weasel your way out of this mate. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Ludwig replied automatically.
“Bullshit. You’re spacing out, you’re quiet, you barely react to anything anymore…Not to mention how paled and dead-eyed you’ve become. Something is eating at you. I know it is.”
Ludwig was about to go to his next programmed reply, but when he met Arthur’s eyes again, softer now, but full of concern, it was as if a rope had been tossed to him.
His jaw clenched, and he gripped his chair. “I…” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I-I…I don’t know who I am anymore.”
“Oh, Ludwig…”
Ludwig shut his eyes tightly. They burned with unshed tears, but he wouldn't let Arthur see. He'd already said too much.
“Is this about your memories?” Arthur asked.
Ludwig slowly nodded. He flinched when Arthur placed his hand over his.
Arthur let out a long sigh. “Even if you were the Holy Roman Empire, you’re Germany now. That hasn’t changed. You’ll always be Germany. You’ll always be Ludwig. Stubborn, strong, hard-working Ludwig who overworks himself. Who loves dogs, baking, vinyl records, and morning jogs at sunrise. You’re still you with just a little extra tacked on.” He squeezed Ludwig’s hand, guiding him by the chin to look at him. “Your supposed past shouldn’t dictate your future, and don’t let anyone else make you think it should.”
Ludwig let out a shuttered breath, wiping at his eyes, trying to keep his tears at bay. He had felt so heavy, but at Arthur’s words, it was as if some of that weight had been taken from him, the Brit helping him shoulder it.
“Shhhh, it’s alright Lud. It’s going to be alright.”
Then Arthur hugged him, guiding Ludwig’s face into his chest and letting his hands rest loosely around Ludwig’s neck. Ludwig sank into the embrace, too tired and worn to care about the embarrassment that would surely follow. They stayed like that for what felt like a long while to Ludwig.
“The meeting will start soon,” Arthur whispered, pulling away slightly to look down at Ludwig. “Will you be okay? You have a lot to think about. I could cover for–”
Ludwig smiled softly. He hadn’t in months and it felt good. “You’ve done enough.”
“Then postpone it. I’m not letting you go through with that hell after everything. You’re going to break if you keep pushing on like this.”
Ludwig thought for a moment. Arthur was right, he wasn’t going to be productive at this rate. Perhaps pushing it back at least a day would give him some time to properly sort himself out. “Okay,” he agreed.
Days went by and Arthur’s words echoed through Ludwig’s head. Up until now, Ludwig had been living as Holy Roman Empire for the sake of everyone, but in the process, he noticed he was losing himself. As much as he wanted to please everyone, he couldn’t keep going on like this. He couldn’t be Gilbert’s former little brother, he didn’t have feelings for Feliciano anymore, and he couldn’t be who he once was.
Luckily Gilbert was understanding when he finally confessed all his feelings. There were many hugs, a few tears, but Ludwig felt like he had regained a piece of himself by the end. But he wasn’t worried about telling Gilbert–at least compared to Feliciano.
Ludwig didn’t want to break his best friend’s heart. He had loved Feliciano once. First as Holy Rome and then as Ludwig. But that was almost a century ago. Those feelings had long since gone out, only returning for a brief moment when he was confused and the only thing he felt linked his past and present self was Feliciano. So he grabbed onto him. With a clearer mind, he knew he had to break up with Feliciano, for both their sakes. He loved the Italian dearly, but in every way other than romance. They both deserved someone who loved them romantically, for who they were now, and this “romance” between them was not providing that.
“Feliciano,” Ludwig called softly after everyone had left the meeting hall, “I need to talk to you.”
“Oh! Of course Luddy,” Feliciano cheered. “What is it, my love?”
Ludwig took a deep breath. “Feli…I care a lot about you and I love you very much.”
“I love you too.”
“But you don’t love me for me,” Ludwig blurted out.
Feliciano’s face fell. “What?”
“I’m sorry…That was harsh.” He took hold of Feliciano’s hand. “I don’t doubt you love me platonically…but…You love Holy Rome romantically, not me.”
“Ludwig…I don’t understand–”
“I confessed to you back in the 40s and you rejected me back then. But now with my memories, you accepted that confession. I wasn’t Ludwig when I did…I was…”
“Holy Rome…”
“I’m no longer that person Feli. Those memories are distant to me. And my feelings for you…They’ve been gone since the 50s. You deserve someone who can love you as you want and I deserve to have someone who loves me for all of me, not just who I used to be.”
Feliciano looked up at him with glassy eyes. “I should have seen this coming,” Feliciano said with a wet laugh, “I…I-I should have never accepted your confession. I was…He was finally home and I just…I had been waiting for you–him–for so long that I jumped on the chance not thinking you were different now.” The tears were streaming now and they punched Ludwig in the stomach. “I wasn’t thinking that maybe all of this had put you in a confused, vulnerable state, twisting what you really wanted. It’s complicated…Gilbert tried to explain that to me. But whatever this means for you…It’s clear your heart doesn’t belong to me and I’m sorry for feeling entitled to it because of the past.”
Ludwig swallowed hard. “Thank you,'' he whispered.
“Can I hug you?”
“Of course.” Ludwig opened his arms to Feliciano and the Italian rushed into him. He squeezed his friend tightly, relieved that he would still have him in his life.
Their hug was interrupted by the creaking of the door. The two pulled away, looking at each other and then at the door. Arthur stood, knuckles white against the door handle, eyes piercing, though softening as soon as he met Ludwig’s.
“Go to him,” Feliciano urged, a smile returning to his face.
Ludwig gave him a hesitant look before nodding. “Thank you.”
He squeezed Feliciano’s shoulder before heading towards Arthur.
“I broke up with Feli,” Ludwig said bluntly.
Arthur’s eyes went wide. “Uh…Good for you? Um…I-I mean…Is that good or bad?”
“Good I think? I mean…We’re still friends and I feel like a weight has been lifted so…”
The Brit smiled. “Good.”
They stood awkwardly, Ludwig stiff, Arthur bouncing his leg ever so slightly.
“Arthur…" Ludwig spoke up again, gaze falling to his feet. "I-I have something to tell you.” He looked away, cheeks flushing a faint pink.
“Yes?”
“I-I…um…I’ve been thinking a lot since we talked, and…Well we had all that time together following the World Wars despite everything that transpired in them…What I’m trying to say is, I think I’m falling in love with you.”
Arthur froze, his hand gripping onto Ludwigs. “Y-You don’t have to rush into anything Lud. You just went through a break up, you’re still going through a lot. You don’t–”
“I know. But these feelings have been festering long before all this memory shit. And… You were the one to finally bring me out of whatever I was in. Just like you did in the 50s. You make me calm and you make me feel loved. A-And I want to do the same for you."
Arthur's face reddened even more, but a small smile grew. "Who knew you could be such a romantic?"
"I picked up a few things from Feli I guess." Ludwig finally had enough courage to look back at Arthur.
Arthur smirked. “Well then, I’ll have to up my game then. I can’t promise fancy food or wine. But I’d like to take you out to dinner. Tonight if you’re available.”
Ludwig chuckled before realizing what Arthur had just asked him out. “I-I’d love that.”
“Then it’s settled. I’ll swing by your room tonight and pick you up?”
Ludwig could only nod dumbfoundedly.
Arthur grinned and with a wave, he was on his way back to his hotel.
Ludwig’s heart was beating a mile a minute, his palms were sweaty and something fluttered in his stomach. It was nothing like how it had been with Feliciano.
“I never thought about you and Arthur,” Feliciano thought aloud, “But in a way, it's fitting.”
“Yeah…It feels right.”
Feliciano squeezed his arm. “I’m happy as long as you’re happy. All of us are.”
Ludwig nodded. It had been a rough couple of months, but in the end, he knew everything was turning out as it was supposed to. He was Ludwig, representation of Germany, dog dad, baker, leader of meetings (and hopefully Arthur's lover). And that was more than enough.