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Her leg couldn’t stop jigging. Chewing at her lip nervously, Anya peered over the top of her textbook again, watching him study across the way. He didn’t seem to notice that the table was rattling with her anxious energy, or that she was internally screaming each time he sighed or rubbed at his eyes. Her own travelled to how his fingers played with the curl above his ear as he leaned against the windowsill, pen threading across his knuckles on his other hand. It was uncapped, sending black ink in a splotchy arc as it danced across his skin.
The jigging got worse, relentless as she tried to calm herself down. Or hype herself up? She wasn’t sure. What she wanted to ask terrified her, but he was the only one she could trust with the question.
“Your tactic isn’t going to work.” Damian intoned lazily, eyes never leaving his page as she jumped. “I’m not buying you those stupid peanuts again.”
“They’re not stupid, and that’s not what I’m trying to do.” Anya sniffed, fingers curling around her book a little tighter. He hummed in disbelief, mindlessly flicking to the next page of his book as she scowled.
“Really? You sure about that? Cause I've ignored all your obviously dropped hints, and this stare down is usually your next step when pleading.”
Crap, he knew her too well. And she did want those peanuts. Eventually. But right now, she had another favour in mind.
“Yes, I’m sure. I just-”
“Well then stop staring like you want my head to explode, and focus on your book. Whatever it is you want, I’ll get it after you pass your test.”
Anya took a deep breath through her nose, trying to fight down her bubbling annoyance, as it spilled into her nervous system uncontrollably. Lowering her book onto the desk slowly, she crossed her hands under her chin and leaned on them, fixing Damian with a serious frown.
“I want you to kiss me.”
You’d have thought she’d just announced she was a purple elephant with the way his head whiplashed up towards her.
“You what?” He squeaked, eyes wide and unsure as he stared at her, mouth hanging open in surprise. Anya shifted in her seat anxiously, crossing and uncrossing her ankles under the table.
“I want you to kiss me.” She repeated, watching as his jaw unhinged a little further. “Look, it doesn’t have to be romantic or anything, it’s just for an experiment! Or, experience really. Just like when we were eight and we-”
“Anya! I thought we agreed we’d never talk about that.” Damian hissed, face flooding red as he hastily leaned across the table, clamping a hand across her mouth. Ignoring how she frowned and licked at his hand, he ducked his head towards her and whispered, “We promised each other that, that....kiss never happened.”
“And it didn’t. But we’re sixteen now, and kissing isn’t considered icky anymore.” She grumbled, peeling his fingers off her face angrily. “Everyone’s doing it, and I’m curious as to how it feels.”
“What, to exchange spit and germs and whatever other nasty gunk is on your lips with another person? No thanks.” He sneered, sliding back into his seat, picking up his textbook to hide behind.
“Oh, don’t fool yourself Damian, you’re curious as well. You’re just saying that because no one is lining up to kiss you.”
“You don’t know what goes on in my mind-” Well, that wasn’t entirely true, “You have no idea if I’m curious or not!”
She didn’t need to say anything; the tips of his ears began to flare as she just levelled him with her bored stare. It was his turn to wriggle uncomfortably the longer their silence drew out, and she could tell from his racing thoughts he was incredibly curious as to why she had asked. Eventually his need for answers won out, and he slammed the spine of his book against the table in frustration, glaring at her smug smirk.
“Okay, why do you want me to kiss you?”
She shrugged one shoulder, some loose hair tumbling into her face as she did. Tucking it back, she ignored how hard her hand was trembling, as she wetted her lips to explain.
“Because...”
Because I want to know why Becky keeps going on about it. Because I want to know what it feels like. Because I want to be like all the other teens our age. Because you’re the only one I feel safe and comfortable enough to share it with.
“...because I’m curious.”
“Why not ask Becky?” Damian sighed, hearing how quietly she spoke. “She would have loved to help you out.”
“I tried to, but she said any kiss we shared wouldn’t do justice to a real one. And as much as I like Ewen and Emile, it didn’t feel right to ask them.” Anya murmured, tracing her fingernail over the table’s woodgrain nervously.
“So, I’m your last resort?”
“Never.” She said quickly, fixing him with a look that he shrugged helplessly at. “You know you’re always my first choice Damian.”
“Sorry, old habits.” He sighed, leaning back in his seat guiltily. She swore once again to herself, that Donovan would one day feel the extent of her wrath.
“It’s okay. I just...kissing seems to be some kind of rite of passage around here lately, and every girl in our class seems to be thi-talking about it. They talk about how it feels, about how their hearts raced, about how magical it is. There have been some serious debates about if tongue should be involved, while others argued that a simple peck doesn’t classify as a proper kiss. They all decided that at the next party, Spin the Bottle and Seven Minutes in Heaven were going to be played, and invited me along for once. I don’t want to sit in a circle with strangers waiting for some old alcohol bottle to decide my fate. But I also don’t want to wait until someone has feelings for me, and asks me. So, I figured, you’re my best friend, and while your feelings for me aren’t romantic anymore-”
“Another thing we said we’d never discuss!”
“-we still care about each other enough for this not be an awkward experience. Right?”
She stopped her rambling to look up at him under her eyelashes, nerves still jittering her hands. Damian was quiet, face showing that little pensive furrow on his forehead she often smoothed out with her thumb, as he considered her statement. She knew she was asking a lot. But she meant every word. He truly was her best friend, and he knew nearly every deep, dark secret of hers, sharing his own in turn. Plus, there was no doubt he’d be swooped into a relationship soon, as there were a line of girls waiting to kiss him at any given chance. If she didn’t shoot her shot now, by the time she gathered the courage again, some other girl would be locking lips with him, and she’d hate to be the harlot that dared to intervene, even if it was for experimental sake.
It had nothing to do with the conflicting feeling in her stomach.
None at all.
‘If...if we do this, would the same terms as last time apply?” Damian eventually murmured, the quiet of the library carrying his words.
“Yes, same rules.”
“And you don’t really want those stupid, fancy peanuts, and that this is just a weird distraction from that?”
“No, I do want those, but I also want this.” She chuckled, glad to see the beginnings of a smile on his face. Reaching out towards him, she grabbed his hands in hers, squeezing them tightly as she leaned on the table. “Please Damian, can you be my first kiss? Again?”
“Well, when you put it so eloquently.” He teased, twining their fingers together as he returned her squeeze, “I suppose I can help you out.”
“Thank you! You’re an absolute gem.” Anya sighed, grinning up at him in delight. He just laughed and untangled a hand to flick at her forehead, eyes shimmering with affection.
“When do you want to do it then?”
“Now? If that’s okay? I feel like if I don’t try it now, I’ll over think everything and chicken out.” She stammered, watching as pink tinge began to appear along his neck again. Glancing around the library, he let go of her hands, before beginning to pack up his stuff with a nod.
“Okay, but not here. Too many eyes and ears.” Damian whispered, and she agreed reverently. Gathering her own study materials into a messy pile in her bag, she looped her scholar’s cloak back around her shoulders, the chain tangling with her necklace as she did.
“Shit, bloody thing.” She grumbled, trying to pry them apart before they choked her. “Why does it always do this?”
“ ’Cause you’ve got the latch in the wrong place again, idiot. Here, let me help.” Damian sighed, coming around the table to stand before her. She allowed her hands to fall away from the jumble of chains as his came up to pick at them, tilting her chin up a bit so he could see better. He hovered over her carefully, lithe fingers plucking at the golden knot and brushing across her skin gently. Anya repressed the sudden urge to gulp, realising too late just how close they were. They had been in each other’s spaces before, shared more hugs than she could count. But this felt different somehow. From this angle, she could see every little freckle that marched across his nose, how his lower lashes caressed his cheeks. Maybe it was because they had just agreed to kiss, but her heart was hammering in her chest in a not, so unpleasant way. Damian seemed to realise as well just as he finished untangling the chain, as he met her gaze with shy surprise, hands trailing from her collar as he did.
“T-there. All fixed. You need to shorten the necklace chain next time you wear it. That way, you won’t get tangled.”
“Thanks.” She breathed, watching as his eyes flickered down to her lips. His own parted as they stood there sharing the same air, before snapping closed into tight smile as he stepped back, hand coming up to run through his hair. Anya had the brief thought of what it would feel like running through hers, as he scooped up their bags and thumbed towards the exit.
“Sh-should we go? There’s a spot under the oaks that’s pretty quiet.” Damian stammered.
“Yeah, um...lead the way.”
They left the library in an anxious shuffle, feeling like everyone’s eyes were on them. Rubbing her hands against the pleats of her skirt, Anya took a deep breath of fresh air as soon as they stepped outside. She hadn’t felt this nervous in a long time. Which was silly considering she had nothing to be worried about. It was just a kiss.
A harmless, insignificant thing.
With her best friend.
Who was undeniably attractive.
For science!
She pulled her cloak around her a little more securely, using the hood to shield the warmth of her cheeks. She was overthinking things; where was the straightforwardness of her youth when she needed it? That little girl hadn’t hesitated. She had grabbed life’s opportunities and bent them to her will, all for the sake of the mission. But there was no mission for Anya to hide behind now, nothing aside from her own guilty desires. Damian glanced at her over his shoulder, hazel gaze accented with an arched brow as he held a hand out for her to take.
She should take a leaf out of that little girl’s book, she thought as she slipped her hand into his, a mindless comfort they often shared. Find that same courage and innocent curiosity and apply it to this situation now.
They arrived at the oaks sooner than she expected, tucked in one of the back corners of campus. The grass was a little damp beneath their feet, and Damian tightened his hold on her hand as he helped her over the mud. Clustering together against the trunk of one incredibly old looking tree, they took a moment to admire it and its companions before turning to each other shyly.
“You don’t have to do this, if you don’t want to.” Anya murmured, giving him an out if he needed it. Damian reached down and took her other hand in his, squeezing them gently as they hung between them.
“I’m okay, but are you? You don’t have to rush this, Anya. I’m sure if we don’t kiss today someone will kiss you soon.”
“No, no I want it to be you.” She said, shaking her head quickly, before gasping in embarrassment as her words caught up with her. “I mean, because you’re my friend! And I trust you! And-”
“Relax idiot, I getcha.” Damian chuckled, knocking his head against hers. “Now, should we go over the rules again?”
“Right. Um, ten seconds.”
“Closed mouths.”
“No telling anyone about this.”
He was so close. His nose brushed against hers gently, and she felt the air get caught in her throat.
“No catching feelings.” He murmured, tilting his head slightly as her eyes began to flutter close.
“It’s only for science.” She breathed, just as he pressed his lips to hers.
When they had shared that disastrous peck when they were eight, it had been chaste. A hard clash of grimaced, puckered lips and sore noses afterwards. This kiss...this one was different.
His lips were surprisingly soft and full, pressing against hers tenderly. Her knees quivered, and she was glad he was still holding her hands so she didn’t fall. She was mentally counting the seconds, but the warm sensation rushing through her body, triggered by his kiss was pushing it to the background, and she sighed absently as she lost herself to it. Her sigh meant their lips slipped from their casual peck, slotting together in a more intimate way.
And oh, her whole body was fizzling now, as this was so much better. Damian let go of one of her hands, and she almost complained until it came to rest under her chin, tilting it up towards his face a little more in a delicate hold. Oh, no, this was better. She brought her free hand up to rest against his chest, leaning on it as her knees shook even more.
She lost track of how long they kissed like that, lips moving ever so slightly against each other in a shy dance. His thumb brushed against her cheek as her fingers curled into his cloak, soft sighs passing between them in each breathe. Was there an outside world, Anya wasn’t sure, as she was entirely lost in this moment.
The need to breath more than little puffs of air was what made her pull away, but she took her sweet time in doing so. Chest panting a little, she took a moment to recentre herself wondering when they had gotten so close to each other. Damian’s hand was still on her chin, and she allowed it to nudge her gaze up to meet his. His eyes were molten beneath his hooded lids, and a strangled gasp stuttered in her lungs at the sight. He stared at her, faces only mere inches apart as his thumb traced the edge of her bottom lip. A whimper escaped her and something feral flickered in his gaze.
His hands moved quicker than his lips did, one coming to rest at the base of her neck, the other circling her hip as he pulled her closer. Then he was kissing her again, but this time the gentle tenderness was gone, replaced with something that made her heart scream. Anya didn’t even think about, kissing him back with the same passion. Forget closed mouth kisses, the feel of his parted lips trailing against hers, teeth nibbling her lower one was making her swoon. She had wondered what it would feel like this have his hand thread through her hair before, and discovered it was absolute bliss. Her own fingers crept up his shoulders, one moving further the cradle his face. His skin was a little rough from missed stubble, and she loved how it scratched against her fingertips as she stroked his cheek.
Surely he could feel how her heart was fluttering in her chest, as he coaxed a small moan from her when he tugged on her lip. How she needed to lean on him for full support now as her legs were those of a new born foal. How warm her skin felt as his hand crept along the band of her sweater, sliding against her waist so carefully as if she may burn him.
Her back hit the trunk of the ancient oak, bark catching strands of her hair as her fingers weaved into the curls at his neck. Damian didn’t resist her pull, having already been moving towards her, tongue sweeping across the seam of her lips asking for permission. Tentatively she opened her mouth a little more, and they both groaned at the sensation. Well, she agreed with the girls that said tongue should be involved. This was indescribable.
Her jaw ached a little when he finally pulled away, both heaving for air as they did. A fine drizzle had started at some point, and while they were mostly safe under the branches of the trees, some water had dusted his hair and collar. His face was such a pleasant shade of pink, those full lips more swollen than before. The freckles she had admired earlier seemed to glow now and she had the desire to kiss each and every one of them.
“Well,” Damian panted, nuzzling her nose playfully. “That was longer than ten seconds.”
“Yup. Sure was!” Anya squeaked, laughing awkwardly as he pressed a light kiss to her cheek. Oh shit, their rules. Those were absolutely smashed to smithereens now, scattered by the growing breeze and out into the misty rain. Pushing him back, she slid away from the tree trunk, giving him a strangled smile.
“Thanks for your help. I, uh, really got the full experience.” She continued to laugh, hands coming up to form finger guns at him as she took a step back. Anya paused, looking at them in disbelief, before quickly hiding them behind her back. “So, um. Thanks?”
“You’re welcome. Did you enjoy it?” Damian asked, a small smile appearing on his face. How was he so calm? They had just fully made out, and they were meant to be just friends. Friends!
“Y-yeah. It was...” Intense, the best feeling in her life, needing a repeat right here, right now? “Really good.”
“Are you okay? You seem, shaken.”
His hand tugged lightly on her elbow, encouraging her to bring her arm out for him to lace their fingers together. She looked down at it in wonder. How was she supposed to tell him that she broke the most important rule? That there was no way in hell she wanted to experience another kiss like that, unless it was coming from him? That this kiss had absolutely ruined their friendship, and she was all to blame?
“You know, spiralling is kinda my thing.” Damian breathed, tugging her a little closer. “Wanna tell me how you think you’ve ruined our friendship?”
“Wh-but-how?”
Could he read minds too? And for how long now?
“Anya, I keep telling you, you have a terrible poker face.” He laughed, poking her cheek tenderly. “If you’re panicking over those stupid rules, don’t worry, ‘cause I broke them first.”
She couldn’t form sentences. She just let her eyebrows talk instead. He leant his forehead against hers again, mimicking the position they had been in earlier, but now her racing heart was threatening to stop beating.
“I kissed you for longer than ten seconds. I encouraged the open mouth kisses.” He paused, taking a deep breath before quietly murmuring, “I caught feelings for you.”
Astounded. She was completely, and utterly astounded. Pulling away she stared up at him in disbelief.
“What?”
“Well, to be fair, I caught them years ago and pretended that they went away.” Damian explained with a shrug, swinging their hands together lightly. “I tried denying them for a long time as a kid, so pretending came a little easier once I accepted them.”
He scratched the back of his neck, chuckling nervously as she continued to stare.
“I thought I was pretty good at hiding them, but the others all saw right through me. And then Becky kept encouraging me to confess, especially recently, as she said I had a really good chance of your returning them.” His eyes darted to hers shyly. “Was she right?”
Anya was quiet, her brain still unable to compute what was happening. Taking a deep breathe she closed her eyes, releasing it slowly as the rain began to fall a little harder.
“Repeat.” She finally muttered, opening her eyes to look at him determinedly. “I need a repeat.”
“Of my confession?” Damian said in puzzlement, before stumbling back as she pushed him towards the tree trunk forcibly. She was in his space instantly as he let out a little omph, standing on her tip toes as her hands curled into his jacket.
“Of the experiment. Once wasn’t enough. I need more data. For science.”
“Right.” Damian laughed, grinning as he wrapped his arms around her waist, lips brushing against hers as he leaned in. “For science.”