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It was just a single accident. A life threatening one that is. Soonyoung was supposed to be scared. But all he could do was swoon.
Is he dead? He doesn't know. But what he knows is that this man in front of him was the most attractive man he ever saw. The distant man was supposedly the one taking him to the afterlife. The grim reaper, death itself. But it was no skeleton and cloak.
Instead, it was this cold demeanored man that was supposed to be an intimidating entity, but failed to be intimidating as the man stood a bit shorter than him. Also, it acts like a feisty cat, its pale skin quickly turning red once you call him a grim reaper, insisting to call him Jihoon instead.
How did the interaction go, you say? Well, Soonyoung, oblivious to the fact that it was death, seemingly tried to flirt with him, only failing to do so as the man had these invisible ice cold walls surrounding him. Reminding him that it was no person to flirt with.
Flustered, Soonyoung silently followed Jihoon wherever it was taking him. But as he took a few steps, he suddenly faded into consciousness, waking up in a foreign room, with white walls and antiseptics filling the atmosphere.
There goes his second attempt to see Jihoon. It was a hasty decision but Soonyoung doesn’t know what kicked him to do it. So with bloody wrists, he lost consciousness, sending Jihoon to him yet again.
The man seems surprised to see him again. Of course, who wouldn’t. It’s not everyday you see familiar faces with what Jihoon does. It looked at what may have caused them to meet again. Soonyoung expected it to be angry, thinking it would know his intentions why he did it. But Jihoon simply shrugged, and continued to lead him to whatever pathway towards afterlife is.
Soonyoung tried to talk to him, but all he received were short, dead eye glances at him whenever he went hyperactive. The two had their few minutes journey with opposite thoughts. Soonyoung thought it was flirting, Jihoon thought it was pestering.
But then again, Soonyoung has to disappear without a last word when he slowly faded back into consciousness to the same white and clean room filled with the smell of antiseptics. This time with bandages wrapped on both of his wrists.
His family were happy to see him awake, Soonyoung seemingly disappointed. His older sibling though, with tears in their eyes, asked why he did it. His mother said it didn't matter as long as he's alive. But his sister's grief were slowly morphed into anger.
She has the right to be. Soonyoung has the perfect lavish lifestyle. He was optimistic and always seemingly happy. Why does it have to go to the point where his family thought he was so depressed wanting to suicide?
But he didn't care, all he wanted to do was to meet Jihoon again.
It took him longer to meet it this time. He took the time to let his family's grip on his life slowly loosen. Once more he tried to cut himself, only failing to do so.
His success were met when he tried to crash into something, for his family to think it was an accident. His soul was suddenly standing in front of the man he yearned to see again. Shallow intentions as one may have thought. Because who in their right mind want to kill themselves not because they want to die but because they have this infatuation with the grim reaper instead.
Once again, Jihoon's eyes widen at the sight of Soonyoung in front of him. But not shocked to the point where he questioned why they meet again for the 3rd time, no, Jihoon didn't care. So with another shrug, the man lead him towards the afterlife.
The journey this time took longer than before. Soonyoung thought it was finally time so he got excited and continued to pester Jihoon. But by the time they would reach some portal or stairway or whatever, the grim reaper was about to mark their journey when he slowly faded again.
With Soonyoung waking up to his own bedroom this time, he jerked up awake, the sudden ache of his injuries hitting him. He was alone, in his room, medicine by his bedside table. His phone was left with a message. His mom was in another country again.
So that was why he was alone again. He had one thought in mind at that moment. He needs to find Jihoon again.
This time Jihoon wasn't even shocked to see him. It just gave Soonyoung a dead eye stare, with him standing in front of it awkwardly.
Their journey embarks, this time Jihoon responded to some of Soonyoung's shenanigans instead of just giving him the "dead eye stare". It was a progress at least.
The fifth time greeted Soonyoung with an annoyed Jihoon, questioning why he keep on being in a life threatening situations. Soonyoung's excuse? I was always unlucky I guess he said. Bunch of bullshit Jihoon may have thought, but when does he care about someone.
This time cold grips on his arm were met everytime Soonyoung went ahead with the path. He was walking that path for the fifth time, of course he would know the way by now.
Trying to tame himself, Soonyoung slowed, and went silent while staring at Jihoon. This was the only time he noticed. The man was as pale as snow, yet its lips were red like blood. It's like the snow white of the afterlife. The pesky, grumpy version of snow white.
Luckily, Jihoon didn't notice him staring. Or maybe it simply just didn't care. Soonyoung didn't even notice how long he was staring at Jihoon until he almost tripped on a stone. How did a stone came across a clear path just to make him trip?
Maybe it was Jihoon's doing. The man even chuckled when he tripped. Soonyoung pouted while squinting at it. He got a chuckle from it yet again.
As if realization hit him, his eyes widen, beeely even trying to hide his smile. He was like beaming towards Jihoon.
But that smile is slowly wiped as he began to fade again.
Sixth attempt was a success. Jihoon was there as if expecting him to appear. Jihoon got suspicious this time. Why does Soonyoung keeps on being in a life threatening situation? It's like a common occurrence at this point.
Though Soonyoung seems unfazed, simply shrugging while getting ahead of Jihoon while walking. The walk wasn't fun as before. Jihoon lectured him about not wasting his life just for the fun of walking with the grim reaper multiple times.
Meanwhile, Soonyoung tried to stall on the way. Resulting to him being unconscious for 3 days.
His 7th attempt was experimental. He wondered if he could stall as long as he could and come back, if ever he could, to see how long he's been out.
The attempt was easy. The stalling was not. Soonyoung tried to make Jihoon have a whole conversation with him. But all he could receive were short answers that cannot be followed up with another question.
Jihoon has dealt with multiple types of people. It just never seen someone persistent enought to pester him other than Soonyoung. That guy was like a trampoline that bounces back to see Jihoon.
He stalled for like a few hours. But he still managed to come back to his body, from being unconscious for 5 days.
These interactions went on until Soonyoung lost count of how often he 'visits'.
The next encounter, Soonyoung noticed, was a lot different from their first interactions. At first Jihoon doesn't even seem to listen to Soonyoung talk, barely even glancing at him. Until its replies went from silent glares to short replies you can't continue. Jihoon responded from his attempt to initiate a conversation gradually, from small talks until it was like they were having a casual talk. Getting to know each other better.
The nth attempt, however, left a sour feeling to Soonyoung. Jihoon asked him why he keeps appearing. This question was lingering Jihoon's mind but it thought it was the right time to bring it up. With all the time they spent together, he can't stall for longer. Jihoon looked like it had a lot of free time as it managed to wait for Soonyoung's answer.
Soonyoung, on the other hand, tried to tell Jihoon every excuse that comes to his head.
It reached to the point where Jihoon lost its patience and lashed out at him. Soonyoung's responses gave him nothing added by his stress that day. He had a tough day dealing with multiples of people, stubborn and sentimental. More people were assigned to him compared to the past few days.
So he exploded. Basically screaming about how he was wasting his life, asking what he was doing to Jihoon. Who the fuck Soonyoung is to make Jihoon, a grim reaper, be vulnerable and feel emotions to him like anger, stress, and….longing.
Soonyoung went silent for the first time. He can't even look at Jihoon's eyes. Shame visible on his face. His reason really is petty to risk his life multiple times.
That eerie silence was ringing until Soonyoung faded again.
It took a while for Soonyoung to appear in front of Jihoon. By the time Soonyoung hadn't shown up, Jihoon felt like something was missing. Jihoon was always glancing afar like it was waiting for someone. When he showed up this time, he came with a different intention. Begging Jihoon to let him stay in the middle. Not in the living, not in the afterlife.
Jihoon had asked what's wrong. He never asks that. Not to him, not to anyone. Yet Soonyoung didn't respond. It's like the tables have turned. Jihoon is the one eager to talk to him.
Jihoon never stopped until Soonyoung snapped. Thrashing under its grip. Tears filling his eyes.
Yes, his intentions at first was for fun. But as the time goes by, Soonyoung thinks he doesn't belong to the world he lives in. And Jihoon's lecture made Soonyoung think it doesn't want his presence anymore. Nobody ever wanted nor needed him there. Not even his own family.
He has more reasons, a lot more reasons why. But he was not ready to share it with Jihoon. Yes, he shared almost all trivial things about him, and maybe a bit about his inner feelings but never deeper. So he just lashes out to Jihoon.
Jihoon, although still remained blank, has a slight glimmer in its eyes you wouldn't even notice. It was watching Soonyoung breakdown, knees buckling like raw pasta.
Soonyoung fisted his hand by the ground, scrunching the soil that laid there. He kept his eyes down at the ground. He had never lashed out and cried like this before. His pent up emotions exploding at one go.
He hadn't noticed Jihoon kneeling in front of him until he saw its legs settling on the ground. Soonyoung hesitantly looked up at Jihoon's eye level. The soft affection showing at his eyes much more evident than earlier but still hidden beneath the stern expression. It's like reminding him that he's still there.
Jihoon slowly moved its hand to lay on top of his. But instead of warmth, it felt cold as he faded away again.
The time he came back, everything was awkward between the two. Soonyoung, knowing it's not his time yet—yes, he knows it's not time—circled around the path like he's taking a late night walk.
Well, Jihoon, for the first time, didn't know what to do. He stalled for a bit, just to make Soonyoung walk ahead of him. A couple of circles later, Soonyoung, although stammering at first, apologized for his outburst in the last encounter.
He knew his reasons to lash out were immature. But Jihoon apologized as well. All their problems ignored and buried, exploded on one tough day.
Soonyoung abruptly turned around to face it, startling Jihoon as if it was caught staring at him. He never said the cause of the outburst, at least he tried. But no word came out of his mouth.
Jihoon didn't say anything, giving Soonyoung time. It just waited. But Soonyoung was not ready to give that detail to Jihoon.
Soonyoung was fond of Jihoon, from the start even if he knew it's one-sided. At first he thought that it was all for nothing. But it's will to understand Soonyoung better and its attempt for affectionate touch gave hope to Soonyoung. Jihoon asked what was wrong. Someone willing to listen to Soonyoung talk about his problems seems foreign to him.
Jihoon, as understanding as he's trying, told Soonyoung not to force himself. That he can tell Jihoon whenever he's ready. This time, finally holding Soonyoung's hand.
He didn't have the chance to tell Jihoon as he started to fade again.
The next few encounters went well. The casual talks were added with subtle touches. The two snuggled near each other, whether they were walking or just sitting by the grassy path.
Then it came the time he appeared in front of Jihoon again. Soonyoung didn't hesitate and went forward to hug Jihoon, his face burying into its neck. Instead of warmth, Jihoon's skin was cold, but it gave him comfort and relief. Like a cold energy drink after he went for a jog.
Jihoon hesitated at first but as it felt Soonyoung's tear pooling in his sleeves, it carefully wrapped its arm around him.
"Don't…. I don't want to come back. Please, just kill me." Soonyoung begged.
Jihoon gently pulled away, looking at him still with a straight face yet that façade was almost breaking. Seeing the boy wanting to give up in life. He didn't and wouldn't understand his perspective. After all, he never was born nor had a roller coaster life.
But he has a rule to follow. If it's not time, then it's not. Jihoon cannot bend that rule under any circumstances.
"You know that I can't." Soonyoung's eyes were shifting to avoid it's intense gaze so Jihoon made sure to make Soonyoung look directly at it by combing through the side of his hair, subtly moving his head to look down at it. "Just…tell me what happened, okay?" Jihoon whispered in a surprisingly soft voice.
It took Soonyoung a while. His reason, turns out, to be about his family. And the society he lives in.
His family disowned him. Cut off his fortune and any connections. Even his own sister he was once close with. His so-called friends, with Soonyoung having nothing to give to them, as expected, abandoned him as well. He has lost everything he has in his life.
You see, his family was well off. To the point where being neglected was a common occurrence in the household. Their big mansion that was never once called home.
Sure when they were young, Soonyoung and his sister were really close. But then they grew up and grew apart. When his sister herself got invested in a business that made their parents not give them attention in the first place.
So in rebellion, he did a reckless thing, mild compared to the recklessness he showed when he kept appearing in front of Jihoon. It sure got his parents' attention. But sooner than he expected, that attention was quickly gone. He was back to being alone again.
So he diverted his seek from his parents to the people around him. And it worked. He had all the attention to him. But it was never genuine. People always have ulterior motives.
They were angered by Soonyoung's actions. Understandable since he's always in the middle, the pathway towards afterlife. He was never happy in the living anyway.
With Jihoon, he can ignore all his problems, even for a short while. Like today, it was intently listening to Soonyoung rant. Hand rubbing against his arm, his other hand drawing comforting circles around his knuckle as it held his hand.
"I'm not God, Hoshi." Jihoon calling Soonyoung by his nickname provides comfort in his heart. "I'm barely the guide. Even if I can make you stay here with me, I will choose not to. It doesn't mean that I don't enjoy your presence, no. You made me feel things. With you I felt different emotions I never had before. You made me soft, I don't know how you did it." Jihoon chuckled.
"I loved you, Jihoon-ie. That's what I did." Jihoon smiled at that. That was the first time Soonyoung ever told him that. The affection gleaming in his eyes, Soonyoung thought he would melt. Jihoon lifted his hand to kiss his knuckle.
"We enjoy each other's company so much I can't even imagine going back to what it was before. But Soonyoung-ah I can't always be there for you when you need me. There can be a time when I will be gone for a while."
"What? Why?"
"I'm….trying to do something. But my point is, try living your life for yourself, not to please others. Without it, how would I see you? There is no such thing as visits in the afterlife, did you know that. You can observe for sure, but to be there, you can't do that."
"What about ghosts then?"
"They never made it to the afterlife. Life is hard. It's complicated. It has a lot of twists and turns. But you would never appreciate life if there's no hardship. Learn to love yourself. Live your life loving what you have."
"What about you?"
"I'll be with you from the path to the afterlife when the time comes."
You'll be with me to the afterlife? Wait–what does that even mean—"
Jihoon didn't even let him finish. It cupped his jaw, leaning to place its lips onto his. Soonyoung didn't even have a second to process, immediately smiling and leaning into the kiss. Cold meets warm, lips perfectly mold into each other.
Tears fell. Somehow, Soonyoung knew this was goodbye. They break away, foreheads still touching. "I love you." Jihoon whispered as Soonyoung faded back to life.
Soonyoung woke up in a small apartment he barely afforded. He curled up under the thin sheets. Burying his head at the bolster pillow, hugging it tightly. He was back to zero.
Three days have passed. Soonyoung tried to visit Jihoon. But he was no longer there. Nowhere to be found.
His knees weakened 'till he collapsed on the ground. Chest tightening as he was flooded with his own tears. That was it. Jihoon was gone.
So Soonyoung started over again. He struggled, of course. But his only motivation were the ghost sensation of Jihoon's lips to his. His words stored somewhere in his heart.
He managed to find a career that he genuinely enjoyed. Found genuine friends he can lean on. He has achieved a great amount of fortune with his job. Never once did he went back to his family.
He never had another family. He grew old, raising his own company. 'Till he has greater fortune than his family have. He was alone. Not lonely but still there was a big gap in his heart. Only can be filled with one he yearns to see again.
He took his last breath, thanking God for giving Jihoon to him. Hoping to see it yet again.
His soul dispersed from the capsule of his body. There he was on the same path he walked many times. Still taking to physical form he did when he first got in this path.
Soonyoung perked up when he heard the voice he has been missing for years. His lips quivered as tears fell. Quickly turning to face the man. He was still the same. Only the look in its eyes changed from their first encounter as its eyes looked at him with pure affection.
"It's been a while, my love."