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Eddie heard yelling. Calling. Through the sound of water rushing past his ears and the muffling of his own head, he heard his name. Cold rain drenched his skin and his clothes for God knows how long. It soaked him through, leaked into his bloodstream and through his bones, filling up the spaces between the marrow and weighing him down.
He felt so heavy.
So heavy that he sunk deeper and deeper into the forest floor, dead leaves clinging to him like blood soaked bandages, dead twigs resting around him like a broken halo, digging into his head like his own crown of thorns.
Blasphemy, he thought. To compare himself to Jesus- if he was real or not. Devil worshipper, the town thought- if he was real or not.
The calling was back. He blinked up into the sky, rain wetting his eyes for him, barely differentiating the tree line from the sky in the dead of night.
“Eddie! Eddie! Come on man, where the hell are you?”
They were looking for him. Carver and… no.
No.
Not Carver.
He was dead, had been for a while now. Ever since his botched martyrdom in the Upside Down, since the government hush money and the declaration of innocence, he forgets every once in a while that Carver was dead. Like Patrick. Like Chrissy.
“Eddie!”
Not Carver.
“Eddie? Eddie, oh my God, Eddie!”
Harrington.
A voice laced with panic accompanied frantic hands and a worried face popping into his bleary vision, holding his shoulder, touching his head. Eddie blinked up at him, the world distant and Steve’s worried worried worried face miles away.
“Oh.”
“Eddie, what the hell happened? Are you hurt? Can you move?”
“Yeah.”
He made no attempt to peel himself up from the earth as his dead and flat voice broke his silence.
“I- hang on.”
Steve fumbled for something out of Eddie’s vision, then Eddie heard a click before Steve’s voice filled his mind again.
“I found him.”
“You’re supposed to say Over, Steve. Where was he? Is he okay? Over.”
“He’s... He’s not hurt. Can you, listen, Dustin, can you call Mr. Munson? Let him know I’ve got him. That he’s safe. Over.”
“Roger that. Can you tell me what the hell happened, over?”
“I just found him, man, I-“
Eddie tuned out the rest. His fingers felt like they didn’t exist anymore, like they faded away into the cold. Interesting. He was going to think about that more, but Steve and his worried worried worried face was back.
“Eddie, come on.”
A hand gripped his shoulder again, another holding his numb hand, and pulled him up from the earth like a stubborn root. Steve must have been done talking to Dustin over the walkie. Those hands tugged at him again and drew Eddie’s attention. It was then that Eddie really got a look at Steve. He was wet from the rain, wearing nothing more than a sweatshirt and some sweatpants, a flashlight in hand and a backpack that must hold the walkie he was speaking into.
“Oh.”
When Eddie spoke, Steve somehow looked even more worried worried worried worried. He looked Eddie up and down, then his face set into someone determined and neutral.
“Come on. You need to get out of the rain.”
“Okay.”
He was helped to his numb feet, just as cold and just as fuzzy as his hands- his hand. The other was starting to warm a bit in Steve’s grip. He fumbled along with Steve, blankly following him through the winding, weeping trees and tear drop leaves. Steve kept a hold on his hand, another supporting his back, and it was nice. It was so nice. It made Eddie feel a little bit more here.
Eddie didn’t know how long or how far they walked, everything seemed like it lasted an eternity and a blink of an eye, anyway. They stumbled across a terrain of roots and sticks, thick mud that threatened to rip the shoes off their feet, leaves that were so wet they disintegrated under their weight. However long passed, and Steve was carefully lowering him into the seats of his BMW parked on the side of the road, Steve rushing to the drivers side and cranking the heat before punching the gas.
Eddie said nothing, simply closing his eyes and feeling the burning of the car’s warm air on his frigid skin. It hurt, but it felt good, and most importantly, it felt real. That unlocked something in Eddie’s chest, some new level of coherence that had been locked away before Steve found him on the forest floor.
It felt like seconds later- or years later- and they were at Steve’s house. Steve looked really nervous, Eddie thought. He didn’t like when Steve looked nervous like that. It meant something was wrong.
“What’s wrong?”
Steve balked, then let his expression shift back to that worry again.
“Eddie, I’m worried about you. That’s what’s wrong. What happened, man?”
He let himself be guided out of the car, fingers fuzzy but clear enough to work the door handle. He moved into Steve’s home, dirty dripping water puddling on the nice wooden floors. He ducked his head down, watching it drip from his hair.
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?”
Eddie looked back up at Steve, dark eyes wide and innocent and barely seeing the boy in front of him in the warm lighting of the foyer. Each time he spoke, he felt his words fly further from him, like they came from someone else. How could they be from his own lips? How could he be speaking when he felt like a ghost, a shadow in the room that would disappear in the blink of an eye?
“I- I don’t know.”
Steve was taking his hand again in silence, leading him upstairs, a trail of mud and mess following in his wake. Gently tugged into a room, Eddie stood in a daze until a small pile of clothes was placed on the bed in front of him. Steve’s clothes. This must be Steve’s room.
It was ugly.
“Your room is ugly.”
That earned him a laugh, a genuine laugh that made Eddie feel like he had a little tea candle in his chest, right where his heart was. Hearing that laugh made the little candle glow a little brighter.
“Yeah, my mom decorated it. It’s pretty bad.”
“Pretty bad.”
Eddie echoed. Speaking was hard.
“Uh- you’ve gotta get out of those clothes, Eddie. You’re soaked. And your lips are blue. Change into those, okay?”
Steve pointed to the pile of clothes folded on the bed, tone laced with worry worry worry .
Eddie nodded and tried to remember how his arms worked. He noticed Steve turn around, but stayed in the room as he peeled off the wet clothing sticking to his pale and deformed skin. It felt bad, the clinging fabric that seemed to suction itself to his body, wet and freezing and not letting go. It took him a minute to get it all off. The new clothes, Steve’s clothes, were warm and soft and felt like a hug. He hummed once they fell onto his body, gliding against his skin like warm air.
Once his body was given a taste of comfort, it demanded more. It began to shake, like his bones were trying to escape his skin, suddenly aware of how cold every millimeter of his body was. He sunk down onto the bed, wrapping his goosebump riddled arms around himself. He watched Steve turn around, then reach for his closet, pulling out a sweatshirt to cover his bare arms. Handing it to Eddie, he took a blanket and had it on standby until Eddie slipped Steve’s sweatshirt on. It was nice. Threadbare around the wrists but warm and cozy. A blanket was laid on top of his shoulders.
Steve studied him for a moment, leaving Eddie to feel like an exhibit in a museum, or a bug pinned to a picture frame. Something distant and foreign and not to be touched. Something to be examined. It made him shrink a little.
Steve seemed to have noticed, because he was suddenly holding Eddie’s hand again and leading him out of the room. Time meant nothing anymore, Eddie decided. It followed no path, no continuum, because the wall from Steve’s bedroom to wherever he was being led was so fuzzy and fast and slow, he didn’t even know what was happening anymore. They descended the stairs and Steve lead the two to the kitchen, immediately filling a kettle.
“Tea. It- uh. You look so cold, so I thought tea would help.”
“Tea.”
“… Eddie, what happened?”
“…”
“Eddie.”
“I don’t know.”
“No, Eddie, come on. You do know, what happened?”
“I don’t know.”
“Eddie, what the f–…”
The word died on his lips, trailing off and his face pinching into worry worry worry.
“What? You look worried.”
Steve shifted closer, voice going softer than Eddie deserved. His voice was smooth and soothing, wrapping Eddie up better than any blanket could.
“Of course I’m worried, Eds.”
“Why?”
Eddie saw Steve’s heart break through his eyes. He witnessed something crumble inside of Steve, some pillar of support that just couldn’t hold up anymore, some glass barrier that shattered into a million cutting pieces.
“Because, Eds, you-“
Like that barrier, his voice broke and wavered.
“You disappeared for hours in a storm in the middle of fall. It’s freezing out. Wayne thought you were hurt somewhere, he begged us to help look for you. I thought you were–…”. He cut himself off.
“What happened, Eddie? Please, tell me.”
“I…”
“Please don’t say you don’t know.”
Eddie looked at Steve and didn’t know what to say. He felt his face droop and pinch and he was giving Steve this desperately sad, desperately confused, desperate face. He didn’t notice when the tears started to fall, but his hands in his lap were wet and it wasn’t from his hair or his clothes. That shattered look came back to Steve’s face, which disappeared from Eddie’s view as Steve’s body wrapped itself around Eddie like armor, like Steve could shield Eddie from the cold infecting the world, infecting himself.
“Everything seems so far away.”
His own voice shook as tears fell down his face, dripping onto Steve’s shoulder.
“I don’t know what happened. I was fine and then, and then I wasn’t. And everything felt so far away, like nothing I touched was real, like I wasn’t real. And I woke up and I was in the dirt. I couldn’t move. Didn’t want to. I wanted to sink into it and disappear.”
The tears never stopped flowing, never faltered, and Steve’s hands came around to meet in the middle of his back and he was being tugged into Steve’s lap. His shoulders shook like tectonic plates, his body a crumbling building falling onto the holy ground of Steve’s own. In ruins on sacred land, Eddie let himself be cradled and held together, letting himself fall to pieces.
His breath was stolen away as soon as it came, face growing wetter and wetter as each second passed by, staining Steve’s pristine sweater with unholy water. As he collapsed, he clung to Steve with all the strength his trembling muscles could gather. And Steve. Beautiful, awe inspiring Steve, refused to let a single bit of Eddie fall from his arms. He let quiet murmurs of praise and reassurance fall from hallowed lips, whispers that told Eddie it was alright, he was right here, it’s okay.
“I wanted to disappear. I wanted to disappear.”
He hiccuped into Steve’s neck, face twisting into something ugly and dismal, guttural noises wrenched from his throat as his body caved in on itself, as he lost his sense of self and let pure feeling flood his body entirely. Feelings of loss and desperation, an overwhelming sense of dread and fear that permeated through his blood, a plea to just freeze the world around him, just to let him breathe, sent up to gods he didn’t believe in.
His body was shifted, a gentle, warm weight appearing to cradle the back of his head, carefully guiding his weeping face down. His wet cheek rested against warmth and cashmere, the smell of bergamot and something more earthy, like trees and maple creeping into Eddie’s senses. His harsh, uneven pattern of breath stuttered once more, his distant distant distant hands finally feeling solid as they clutched onto warm wool worn by warm arms holding him.
One hand on the back of his head, steadying him down with kindness, the other wrapped around him, swaddling him tight and not letting him go.
Eddie pressed his face into the fabric of Steve’s sweater, nose pressed hard against his heart, the pressure of his eyelids shut tight, blinking colorful shapes behind his eyes. Hot, open mouthed sobs were screamed into that sweater, into that chest, into that heart. Wailing fitting of an infant, weeping fitting of a mourner. Eddie stammered through his words into that sweater, repeating in a bleak, cyclical pattern.
“I want- I- I wanted to dis- disappear. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to disappear. ”
It was like his body knew what he wanted, but his mind couldn’t fathom it. Couldn’t fathom that bone deep ache to lay on the forest floor and become part of it, become one with it, merge into one blissfully insentient being. For hair to turn to leaves and organs to dirt and bones to dust and thoughts to nothing. His mind rejected what his body craved. His sputtered and sobbed confession was met with silence for a moment, enough for Eddie to want to wrench himself away from that tight hug around him in embarrassment and humiliation.
Steve’s hold on him never faltered, tightening in his moment of silence before the other boy spoke.
“Eddie…”
For some reason, the utterance of his name on Steve’s lips made his breathing still for a split second, for the stammering and sobbing to stop, and make a clear path for Steve’s words to float and land. His words usually did that, seeming to float in the wind and land solidly. This time… this time though, his words, Eddie’s name, felt warm in a different way, warm in the way a friend responds when they hear bad news and are sad or scared.
No.
More than that.
When Steve spoke Eddie’s name, it was spoken with heartbreak and love, a desperate and unspoken need to understand and to correct the pain, to help. The kind of care given to speaking something as simple as Eddie’s name had his heart twisting and hands shaking, hidden by the trembling of his whole body.
Then Steve’s head was tucking down towards his chest, towards Eddie’s, and Eddie would have thought he was dreaming if the arms around him didn’t feel so real. Because soft and sad lips were pressed to the top of his head, soft and sad eyes were gazing at him through unshed tears- quick to be blinked away. Steve began to rock the two of them, Eddie held firm in his grasp, gentle and easy back and forth motions to calm the raging emotions threatening to drown them both.
Soft and sad words floated from Steve’s nerve-bitten lips as he rocked Eddie.
“I’m not letting you disappear. You’re okay. You’re safe right here, okay? I’m not letting you disappear. It’s- fuck- it’s okay, honey. It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m not going anywhere.”
Eddie felt splotches of wetness drip onto his hair from Steve’s eyes, the hand on his head disappearing and reappearing quickly to wipe at his face. Eddie could do nothing but continue to sob, this time not out of fear and desolation.
He cried because of that promise.
He cried because of that kindness.
He cried because of that love in Steve’s voice that wouldn’t leave, no matter how hard Eddie crashed and burned.
The hand at his back rubbed in soothing circles, pressed firmly into soft skin and taut muscle. Lips whispered warm words of care into the frizzy and dirty hair on his scalp, still wet and caked in mud in certain spots, a leaf or two entangled in his curls and waves. He gasped in breaths as his eyes squeezed out tears, holding firm to Steve like a lifeline. They stayed wound together like that, cradling and protecting, for an eternity and too short a time. As Eddie’s gut wrenching sobs dwindled to hiccuping gasps to tearful sniffles, Steve held him through it all. When the last few tears fell and were wiped away by the back of Steve’s pointer finger, Eddie felt drained and dry.
He felt dirty and gross, rainwater and forest floor dried into his hair and pores, tears leaving a puddle on his clothing and hands. He sniffles and leaned his cheek into Steve’s chest, the back of his hand rubbing away the tear tracks. Steve kissed the top of his head.
“You here, Eds?”
His voice was so soft, so uninvasive.
Eddie nodded, still trying to find his voice.
“Okay, good. Would you be up for a shower tonight?”
Eddie didn’t respond at first, trying not to succumb to the blank stare painting his face.
He forced his mouth to open, resting it out, seeing if it really worked. It shut again, swallowing, then cracking open to respond.
“Yeah.”
Steve’s lips broke into a small smile, almost like he was encouraging a sad child, trying to comfort and reassure the lost and tired boy in front of him. His hand splayed across Eddie’s back, rubbing circles into it.
“Good. You’re gonna get a cold if you don’t get cleaned up and warm. Are you up for it now?”
Eddie had to take a little bit, desperately grasping for the meaning of Steve’s words. He could tell he took too long, because Steve shifted and cast a worried worried worried look his way, waiting. Was he up for it? He felt gross. His hair had dirt in it. His skin was smeared with mud and tears. His body was covered in invisible feeling, something that made his skin crawl and heart race. He didn’t want to stand, but he couldn’t handle the sensations around his body.
He nodded. Steve gave him that soft, sad smile again.
“Okay, Eds.”
And then Eddie was being moved, lifted to his feet and guided with a hand on his back to the nearest bathroom.
“Will you call for me if you need anything?”
Eddie watched Steve, still disconnected from his mind and taking just a little too long to understand.
He nodded.
Steve nodded back, stepping away for a second, coming back with a towel for Eddie and shutting the door.
And Eddie was alone.
The stark white tile hurt his eyes, something clinical about it that made his skin crawl. The bathroom walls were a weird beige-yellow, oppressive and closing in. He felt himself move, watched his hands move to the shower and fiddle with the knobs. He witnessed his hands push the knob to be as hot as possible. He blinked a few times and his clothes- Steve’s clothes- were on the floor.
He stepped into the steaming shower, hot water nearly burning his skin as he watched dark water run from his body. Dirt and mud went down the drain as he stood in the stream, breathing in the heat. Eddie stood there for a while, he wasn’t sure how long, until he finally reached for body wash and weakly scrubbed at his skin. He did the same with the expensive shampoo in the shower caddy, using as little as possible.
The room was filled with steam as he stepped out of the shower, water and bubbles running clear. He patted himself dry with the towel as best as he could before slipping on the dry clothes Steve had given him. He shuffled out of the bathroom, a little lost, but eventually finding his way to Steve’s room. He pushed the door open lightly, peering in and seeing Steve waiting by the bed.
Steve was fussing around the bed, finding pillows and throwing them on, tucking in the sides of the sheets. Eddie didn’t get why. He never really got why people made their beds in the morning to begin with- they’re going to get slept in again at night anyway. But Steve was making his bed at night, and that was even weirder. The sound of the door creaking open alerted Steve to his presence, a jolt running through his body, going on defense, until he saw a dripping wet, squeaky clean Eddie Munson at his bedroom door.
He’ll save that image in his head for a long time.
Steve’s face slipped into something soft, smiling and walking towards Eddie, still frozen in the doorway.
“Hey, how was the shower?”
“Good. Fancy ass shampoo in there, Harrington.”
Steve’s smile grew bigger, pleased with the response. Eddie was slowly coming back to himself. Not quite there, but almost.
“Yeah, well, I wasn’t called The Hair for nothing.”
Eddie smiled, but didn’t say anything. He looked around the room, looked at Steve. The low light of the bedroom made Steve look so much softer than he was used to, so much more… cozy. Steve stepped towards Eddie, hands raised just a tad as if he was a wounded animal. Eddie couldn’t blame him, he felt like he was. His head was still spinning, his adrenaline a little too high to be normal, but his body so sluggish. Now that he had a warm shower, he felt even more loose, more pliant.
“Can I sit?”
Steve nodded, gesturing to the bed.
“Yeah, of course”
“Sorry. Just… really tired.”
“I wonder why.”
Eddie playfully glared back at Steve while he crawled onto the bed, entirely giving up on sitting and just lying down instead, practically collapsing forward onto his chest and not getting up.
“Eds?”
“Hm?”
“Do you wanna get under the covers?”
“Can’t move. Too tired.”
He heard a sigh, a happy, amused sigh, and felt Steve’s hands on him, shifting him while the sheets were pulled from underneath him. He longed for the feeling of Steve’s hands on him every time they left. He loved their weight on his body, the warmth that sings through him every time they make contact. Eddie grunted, but it dissolved into a content murmur into the bedding as Steve laid the blankets over him.
“Good?”
“Mhm. Warm.”
“Good. Can I sit with you?”
“Mhm.”
Eddie’s eyes remained closed as he took careful, measured breaths. In and out. Calming down. Calm. The bed dipped down and Eddie felt Steve’s body heat near his. Eddie lifted his hand, blindly reaching for Steve, fingers bumping awkwardly into Steve’s side and finding their way onto his thigh.
“Please don’t leave me.”
He kept his eyes closed, not wanting to witness his own rejection, not wanting to see himself hurt and the disgust on his face.
“I’m not going anywhere, Eds. Promise. Try to sleep, okay?”
Eddie squeezed the thigh under his hand, as if it would disappear without a strong touch. His eyes remained shut, every second growing too heavy to open them again. With a nod, he exhaled and kept his grip on Steve tight. He was so tired. So tired. Sleep crawled up out of the cavern of his mind, gripping him by the ankle and pulling him under. Under under under under into sleep where his bones sunk into the mattress, weighed down like lead pipes. His skin seemed to melt around the pillows and sheets, warm and pliant as the energy left his body and his breathing evened out.
As he drifted off to sleep, Steve observed. He observed Eddie’s tired body sink into the softness beneath him like he would merge with the earth. His hair splayed out around him on the pillow like a curled halo. Something to be revered, Steve thought. Some one to be revered. That’s what Eddie was. If Eddie was akin to god, then Steve was his devout follower, and who could blame him for tucking himself under the covers next to the sleeping savior beside him and sharing in that blissful, heavenly warmth?
And when the sun rose to find the two boys wrapped around each other, as if they were sacred shields for the other, neither of them would betray, neither of them would part. With gentle touches and whispered affirmations, they would live in their own momentary heaven of tangled sheets, warm skin, and the knowledge that neither of them would disappear.