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During his childhood, John Marston often heard that it was his fault that his mom died. His old man drank a lot and used to tell him both with his words and fists how hated John was because he killed his mom. Sometimes his dad cried when he got incredibly drunk and said he looked just like his mom. John had only seen one photo of his mom. It was a picture of her and his dad when they got married and had their portrait taken. She was smiling and looked beautiful with her long dark hair and big doe eyes that matched his. One day when his dad came home from drinking up all their money at the saloon in town. He grabbed John's skinny limbs and forcefully cut John's hair with his knife until all that remained was short strands sitting here and there on his skull. John's dark hair fell to the ground in the little homestead that he and his dad shared. The little homestead that his mom and dad had moved into before John was born. The little homestead that they had dreamed about raising their family and growing old together. The little homestead where John's mom died during childbirth and his dad would forever despise him for it. When his dad eventually died in a barfight it was a relief. Finally, his dad had gotten peace. The day John's mom died his dad stopped living too.
From an early age, John was aware that the body he was born in didn't fit him. This body that looked different and felt wrong had certain expectations and it meant things that John didn't want to think about. This body meant bad things, it meant risks and it meant danger.
Women died during childbirth. It was a fact that he knew by heart. “You carry the blood of your mother on your hands' boy”. He stood crouched over a bush and puked up his breakfast. He was 18 years and three months. He looked at the throw-up. Could see the chunks of the biscuits he had eaten for breakfast that he stole from Arthur's things. It felt like looking death in the eye, but he was young and stupid and didn't know what all of this meant yet. The year was 1893.
He wiped off the throw-up with the arm of his union suit and walked back to camp. Currently, they were staying somewhere in Utah. They had just barely survived the winter further up north and now they were all enjoying the warmth of the sun and spring making themselves known in the landscape around them. John had caught Arthur several times sitting with that journal of his sketching small flowers. John would be a liar if he said that didn't make him even more head over heels in love with Arthur.
“John!”
John looked over and saw Dutch and Hosea sitting side by side in Dutch tent, reading together. John wasn't sure why they kept bothering with calling it Dutch tent when just about everyone had noticed the way Hosea would sneak into the other man's tent and his cot when they thought everyone else was asleep.
“It's nice to see you up so early my boy!” Dutch said and put down his cup of morning coffee and took out a cigar from his vest. Dutch had always had a love for cigars and Hosea. John shrugged and looked at the ground “well you know…. I was gonna go and check on leads anyway so…. I thought I might as well get an early start” he lied. He didn't want to tell them that he had been throwing up for a week now and just this morning he threw up so hard he was pretty sure he would feel it in his bones for days. He had been with this gang, this “family” since he was 12. He was one of the longest-standing members, still, he felt the fear that everyone was just looking for an excuse to throw him out. “No one will ever love you, ya hear that John ? Noone!”. His father's words and actions still haunted him. It felt like Dutch and Hosea were just waiting for John to mess up and have an excuse to get rid of him.
“You do that John but be careful,” Hosea said caring like the father figure he was to John and Arthur.
“Yeah…. don't worry about me,” John said and disappeared off to his tent, correction: his and Arthur's tent. Once John had a tent of his own but there was an incident where a deer mauled Arthur's tent that completely destroyed it. So three years back John and Arthur shared a tent much to Arthur's agony. It wasn't as if Arthur was home a lot anyway. He was always off on either one of Dutch grand “missions” on his own or with one of the other men in camp. “Arthur is a full-fledged man and trustworthy unlike you, of course, they let him go on missions and robberies alone, unlike you”. Either that or Arthur was with that Mary Gillis woman that he had been seeing now for a while.
Perfect Mary fucking god damn Gillis
John's blood boiled just thinking about her.
John closed the flaps to the tent and unbuttoned his union suit and pulled it off until his chest was uncovered. He stood in front of the tiny mirror Arthur used to shave himself in and removed the corset he wore to bind his chest. Finally, he could breathe again. He looked at the way the fabric had chaffed his skin and the bruising on his ribs. “It's not that bad” he tried to tell himself even though his ribs really hurt. He looked at the breasts that disgraced his chest and felt that they truly confirmed that he was deformed. Why did the universe hate him so much?
Arthur knew what John really looked like. Arthur had touched the inner depths of him. Kissed his body and told him that he was beautiful. “You are everything to me… one day we will tell Hosea and Dutch… and if they aren't okay with this then we will run away… make a life for us, you and me”.
Always these goddamn promises that all felt like lies when Arthur would run back into Mary Gillis's arms.
Arthur Morgan…. John was pretty sure he had loved Arthur since the moment they met when Dutch shot down the rope that almost killed him. Arthur rode over to John after he and Dutch had shot down the townspeople that were there to witness John's death. “Just a boy! How can they want to kill a boy!”. Arthur rode over to John's trembling body and helped him up into the saddle of his horse. Years later when John would borrow one of the romance novels Mary Beth constantly read he would get stuck around the descriptions of the love interests as “He was my knight in shining armor”. He would lay in his cot and listen to Arthur's snores and think to himself that “Knight in shining armor” was exactly what Arthur had been and continued to be ever since that day when John was 12 and the planets and stars aligned and he was saved.
He got dressed and thought to himself what it would be like if his chest was flat and these clumps of meat didn't disgrace his chest. If he had a cock instead of a cunt. If he was a full-blooded full-fledged man instead of a self-made one. Maybe then he would have finally felt right.
He stood by his horse and prepared it for a ride. He didn't have any plans really. He just needed to get out and clear his mind desperately. And after all, he needed to go somewhere since he said he was gonna look at “leads”. So he needed to go somewhere.
Tilly came up to him. She was 13 and the closest John ever had to a little sister. A little sister that had the tendency to be an annoying little sister at times. She was also one of Dutch many “prodigies”
“Please cant you take me with you? I have nothing to do and I'm tired of doing Grimshaw's chores all the time! She never lets me have any fun!”
“I’m not sure Dutch would be so happy… I mean what if I run into some O'driscolls or something, I don't want to put you at risk. And besides don't you think you should listen to Mrs. Grimshaw ?” John asked and looked to see if she was close by.
“Well good for you that if we meet Odriscolls I have this!” Tilly said and took out a small hand revolver from under her skirts.
“Jesus christ Tilly! Put that down before you shoot someone! where the hell did you get that thing from ??” John said in a hushed tone to not get the attention of anyone in camp.
“I may look like a little helpless girl but Hosea has actually taken me on jobs before and no one died! I know how to defend myself, John!” Tilly said
They ended up sharing a saddle. John decided he could take the opportunity to make himself useful and show Tilly the ropes of how to ride a horse while they were at it anyway.
“Okay, so I hold the reins like this ?” Tilly asked and held them in her hands. This entire situation made John think so much about that day years earlier when Arthur had said “fuck it, it's time you learn to ride a horse”
“Yeah, you hold them like that. Wait let me see if I can find a field or something where you can ride Skunkbaby yourself” John said
“Why do you call him Skunkbaby? Isn't that kinda a weird name compared to the others ?” Tilly asked
“I thought it sounded cool… and besides if someone's horse name is weird then it's Dutch with his entire “empress” thing he has going on,” John said
“I think Arthur has a beautiful name for his horse, Boadicea… did you know that there was a queen named that. I read it in one of Hosea's books!”
John knew exactly the origin of the name that the horse Arthur had gotten for his 20th birthday. Had often heard the story of how Hosea and Dutch had snuck off on Arthur's 20th birthday and come home with a full-blooded thoroughbred horse that they paid a thousand dollars for and how it had been the happiest day in Arthur's life.
“Here is a good spot,” John said and got off Skunkbaby.
Afterward, when Tilly told him she was tired of horses for today they sat and shared some chocolate John had laying in his satchel.
“I heard the other day Arthur talk with Hosea and Dutch about proposing to Mary,” Tilly said
John choked on his chocolate and had to cough a few times until he let out a
“he did ?….. what did they say ?”
Tilly shrugged and picked at the grass. Pulling out some by the roots and playing with it in her hands. “Dutch got really mad… said that Arthur was a traitor if he did that….. Hosea said that he thinks that Mary isn't good for him… that he…. “wants to shape you into something you are not” Tilly said and even did quotation marks.
They sat quietly for a while. Skunkbaby ate grass and the birds chirped from the trees.
“You are sweet on Arthur right ?” Tilly asked
John didn't answer.
They got back to camp as the sun was going down. Tilly thanked him for taking her with him and then she ran off to talk to Mary Beth, the girl that joined them in the last town they were in. As John unsaddled Skunkbaby he noticed Boadicea standing among the other horses. John felt the butterflies in his stomach come to life. He had to steady himself against his horse to not completely fly off into the clouds.
He didn't get a chance to talk with Arthur alone until the older man joined John in their shared tent that night. John pretended to sleep and heard as Arthur kicked off his boots and unbuckled his heavy gunbelt that always hung low on his hips. John opened his eyes and looked at Arthur as he removed his clothes until all that was left was his union suit. Their eyes met. Arthur Morgan really was gods favorite.
“Oh you're awake,” Arthur said and sat down on his cot. John turned and looked at him
“Yeah… haven't seen you all day…. was worried something happened,” he said. He felt bad for worrying. He wasn't supposed to…. wasn't allowed…. it wasn't like Arthur was his. Mary was the one who was worried. While John was the one that had opened his legs up for Arthur and given himself away all those weeks ago and had continued to do so night after night.
“Well, I was with Mary… She's my girl after all… I have to court her and stuff…. you know how she is” Arthur said and scratched his chin
Perfect Mary Gillis
Perfect fucking Mary Gillis saving herself for fucking marriage
“Yeah, I know…. I just…. I dunno….. I missed you that's all” John said quietly
Arthur scoffed and laughed like he was amused. He leaned back and clapped his thighs “come here and show me how much you missed me then”
John bit his lip. “He doesn't actually love you,” a voice in him said. It wasn't enough to stop him from crossing their tent and straddling Arthur's lap.
Arthur didn't ask for permission to kiss him. Like he did with Mary. He just grabbed him and hungrily kissed him. When he and Arthur were together it was as if Arthur was a starving man.
The tent filled with the sounds of their kissing. John rolled his hips and rubbed himself against Arthur just like he had shown him how to do. He could feel Arthurs's hardness press up against him, really wanting.
“Please….” John sighed between kisses. Arthur unbuttoned Johns union suit and kissed every inch of skin he could reach. They changed positions so John laid on his back under Arthur who had a hand between his legs pushing two fingers through his slick cunt.
“Please….. I want you” John begged. His eyes were misty and filled with lust.
Arthur smirked and took out his own cock and pulled back the foreskin over the big mushroom head. Arthur was truly big in every sense of the word.
“You want this… want this in you Johnny boy ?” Arthur asked and spat in his hand slicking up his cock. John's cunt now truly ached.
“Please…. more than anything in the world….” he moaned and spread his legs. Arthur removed the last pieces of clothing and then got between John's legs. He showed John how to hold his legs to keep his cunt easy access.
Arthur teased John with the head of his cock. Rubbing it over wet folds. Their eyes met and John saw that Arthur was just as aroused as he was.
At last, Arthur pressed the head of his cock against John's opening and pressed into him with small shoves. John grimaced slightly at the sting. They had been doing this for weeks now but John never seemed to get used to the first press-in. It always felt just like the very first time and John was reminded once again of the virgin he once had been.
Arthur's face and chest were flushed. John ran a hand over the hair on his chest to try and ground himself and let Arthur know he was okay. He looked over John's face and waited for John to give a small nod before he started slowly pulling himself out and pressing himself back into the space he had made for himself in John's body. That pace turned quickly into quick fucking where he practically pistoned himself in and out of John.
“ah, ah ah… just like that…. cmon…” John sighed happily. He squeezed his eyes and felt like he was in heaven. The tent filled with the sounds of their moans and the slapping of skin against skin as Arthur's hips slapped against John's body.
“Fuck…. you close baby ?” Arthur moaned and started rubbing John's nub with one hand while keeping the other on John's hip to steady himself.
John nodded and cried out when Arthur started a brutal pace that eventually pushed them both over the edge.
John felt Arthurs cum against his cunt and the inside of his thighs. Arthur laid down and pulled Arthur close. Dazed they both lay there in the aftershocks and the afterglow.
“I really liked that Johnny…” Arthur said and kissed John sweetly. John let himself enjoy it and thought “he's always so sweet to me in the moments afterward… in these moments there isn't any Mary Gillis… in these moments I feel like he really loves me”
John took a hand down and felt at the mix of slick and cum between his legs.
“You pulled out in time right ?” he asked
That had always been the agreement between them. Arthur had promised him that “the pull-out method always works for me. don't worry, I've never made anyone pregnant”.
“Yeah, yeah don't worry,” Arthur said dismissively and cleaned them up with one of John's dirty old shirts.
That night Arthur held him close as they slept. Both of them were unaware and in total bliss of not knowing about what had been growing in John's stomach….