Archive of Our Own

soobin sighs when he walks out of the doctor’s office and frowns at the envelope in his hands containing prescriptions for ct scan of the chest coupled with several blood tests he has to undergo before his next visit.

he kind of expected that at some point it’ll come to this when he coughed up a red petal about a year ago. if he was honestly speaking, it took longer than he had predicted.

if his health wasn’t actually getting worse, soobin would’ve continued on ignoring it, but it had started to affect him to the point that the others had started noticing.

“hyung, are you okay? you look a bit pale.”

“hyung, do you need some water? you’ve been coughing up pretty badly.”

“okay everyone, let’s take five… soobin’s looking a bit out of breath.” 

“soobin-ah… do you think that maybe you should go see a doctor? that cough’s been there for months now…”

so yeah, when it started getting dangerous and the members were starting to get suspicious, soobin decided to visit the doctor and see if there’s anything he can do or take to alleviate the symptoms.

he hadn’t told anyone where he’s going though. when kai saw him putting on his shoes before he headed out, the taller gave a smile and said he’s meeting a friend from middle school for lunch and the younger man had believed that and told him to have fun while waving goodbye because why wouldn’t he believe him? soobin had no reason to lie.

but in truth he had. he’d been lying to everyone for the past year and at the start of it, he had felt bad and was very awkward, his lies always sounded off and he was always filled with guilt afterwards. but then he got the hang of it and the lies ran smoothly out his lips.

he learned not to feel guilty about it, too, as he kept telling himself that he’s only lying to protect the members. he knows how devastated they’d be by the news, by the fact that soobin loves someone so much that it’s actually killing him.

hiding the truth wasn’t so hard at first, his coughing fits weren’t as bad and he didn’t run out of breath from the roots planted in his lungs as quick as he has been lately.

single petals were easy to get rid off. he would throw them in the toilet and watch with a blank face as he flushed them, but when they increased in numbers and turned into small little buds, it had become harder to flush them. instead, he would stuff them into a plastic bag that he’d hide in his backpack and then discreetly throw them in a garbage bin on the street.

however, a couple of days ago, soobin had coughed a fully bloomed red rose and attached to it was the start of a green cane. it had scared him, he was glad that no thorns were present yet, as that would have been a disaster waiting to happen and he’s sure it’d be painful to cough it up.

that’s what had pushed him, along with his friends’ worries, to take an appointment at the doctor’s.

as usual, soobin got rid of all the petals he coughed at home, but had left the one with a cane to show to the doctor.

he was sitting on a chair in the waiting room, mask pulled up to cover half his face with a bucket hat pulled down his head, hoping it’d cover the rest. soobin sighed as he looked at his lap, his fingers playing with a loose thread at the hem of his shirt.

“choi soobin-ssi?”

he looked up at the sound of his name, “ah…” he hesitantly raised his hand and the nurse standing by the reception desk gave him a kind smile.

“if you could follow me this way, please.” she said then turned around and started walking straight ahead into a long corridor.

soobin fumbled to grab his backpack and quietly followed her. his eyes roaming around as he watched the different paintings and drawings of nature hanging on the white and beige colored walls.

he swallowed down the nerves cluttering in his throat when they stopped at a door with a ‘doctor han, respiratory specialist’ tag glued to the side of the wall next to it.

the nurse looked at him and gently smiled, “don’t worry, i’m only going to take your height and weight along with your vital signs before the doctor comes back in.”

soobin nodded, “okay.”

and they do just that. the nurse doesn’t bother with small talk and soobin’s kind of thankful for that, he’s way too nervous to chat, but the reassuring smiles she keeps sending his way were very appreciated.

as if they had timed it, the doctor walks in the moment the nurse was removing the blood pressure cuff from soobin’s arm.

the doctor nods her head at the nurse and smiles at soobin before sitting at her chair behind her desk then proceeds to open soobin’s medical file on the computer.

“choi soobin-ssi, is that correct?”

“uh, yes.” he’s quick to answer. he bows to the nurse and quietly thanks her as she leaves before he walks towards the empty chair across the doctor’s.

“so, what brings you in today?” she asks. her eyes are skimming over the words displayed on the monitor in front of her, “it says here that you’re previously healthy, no medical or surgical history whatsoever…”

“yup,” soobin nods as he purses his lips. that was, well… partially true.

“okay, what seems to be the problem then?” she looks at him and gives him an encouraging smile, patiently waiting for him to answer.

soobin breathes in deeply and almost winces when he feels that stabbing sensation in his chest, and it scares him how familiar it is starting to become, “i’ve been having this persistent cough for a while.”

“and how long has it been now?”

“about… well, about a year?” he answers.

the doctor nods, her fingers working quickly on the keyboard to type down the symptoms soobin’s describing for her.

“also, i’ve been losing my breath upon minimal activity. it wasn’t very bad at the start, but now even when i walk up the stairs it gets harder to breathe.”

“okay, alright. did that also start about a year ago along with the coughing fits?”

“yes.”

“and do you remember when it started? like, what triggered those episodes.”

“i…” soobin bites his lower lip while contemplating his decision before sighing and bending to grab his backpack off the floor, “i think it’s better if i show you.”

doctor han looks at him and raises a brow.

“it wasn’t this bad when it first started,” he mutters as he digs out the small rose, “i coughed this up a couple of days ago and until then it had only been multiple petals or small buds, but…” his voice trails off when he notices the doctor stiffening in her place.

“soobin-ssi, you…” she whispers as her wide eyes stare at the bloomed rose resting in one of soobin’s palms.

he scratches the back of his head with his free hand and gives her a sad smile, “it’s bad, isn’t it?”

a couple of seconds pass by quietly before the doctor sighs and nods, “a bit, but let’s not judge this too soon. there are a couple of tests i need you to do and we’ll act according to the results. i’ll make sure to do my best to help you, soobin-ssi.” she smiles at him reassuringly.

soobin opens his mouth then closes it, pondering whether to speak the words running through his mind or not. he takes a deep breath before deciding against it, “what kind of tests?” he asks instead.

“well, a scan of the chest, that’s the most important. i need to see how far your condition has developed along with a couple of blood tests, to check for any signs of infection and the like.”

“okay,” soobin nods, “when can i do them?”

“the sooner, the better if i’m being honest. i’ll have the clerk check when’s the nearest date possible. as i’m sure you’re very busy so we’ll try to place it at a time that suits you best.”

“alright.” soobin squeezes the flower in his hand and stares at it as it crumples like paper, “but can you prescribe me something? to make the symptoms better?”

“i’m sorry,” she apologizes, “medications for hanahaki disease are usually strictly sold under prescription and i can’t prescribe you any without knowing what stage you actually are at with the disease, so we have to wait for the test results,” she smiles at him apologetically, “for now, you can take some over the counter pain medications and cough remedies.”

soobin sighs and nods.

“i’m really sorry.”

“no, it’s okay.” he gives her a small smile and stands up. throwing the backpack over his shoulder, he gives her a small bow, “thank you.” he straightens up and points at the door, “so, do i just sort out my appointment with the clerk at the reception desk?”

“yeah, she’ll sort it out for you along with a follow-up appointment.”

he bows again while thanking doctor han and then walks out the office. after a quick talk with the clerk, he sorts out the dates and books for his scan and blood tests for the upcoming thursday as he remembers that their manager had told them their schedule would start later than usual at noon.

after he was done, he decided to roam around for a while, he had a bite to eat then something for dessert and decided to go to the movies. even though he chose a movie he’d been wanting to see for a while, he couldn’t focus much on it, instead he spent most of the time spacing out until the movie was over and one of the staff members kindly told him to leave, that’s when he realized he hadn’t paid any attention to what was happening at all.

and that’s how soobin finds himself in the back of a taxi at 9:00pm, clutching his phone in his hand as he chews on his lower lip, the text on the lit screen glaring at him in the dark night.

‘hello choi soobin,

please remember your appointment at seoul pulmonary center for a chest scan and a complete blood count test on 22/09/2022 at 08:15am. please arrive 15 minutes earlier and bring your personal id and insurance card if applicable. to reschedule or cancel please call +82-xxxxxxx.’

with a sigh of resignation, he turns his phone off and rests his head back as he blankly stares at the passing street lights. he decides he’ll worry about what to tell the others when the time comes, but for now, he wants to enjoy the last moments of peace.

+x+

(choi yeonjun.

that’s his name.

the first time soobin had seen him was only for a second, a glance while passing by. he came to the company for a face-to-face interview and had passed by the training room and noticed the man dancing so vigorously, as if he had years worth of passion and hard work packed inside his slim body, fighting to break free.

and after soobin met him, he realized that that might’ve been the truth.

when soobin got accepted into the company, yeonjun was one of the first people that went to talk to him. he introduced himself with a wide smile, his face was youthful and skin so bright for a teenager his age.

his cheeks were a bit filled, but it had suited him.

he was absolutely beautiful.

yeonjun was like an enigma. he was full of life, always loud and cheerful, joking around with everybody, but when it was time to practice his persona changed completely and he turned into a different person.

he was serious when it came to work and soobin respected him for that. he was also an amazing artist. singing, dancing, rapping, song-writing, just name it and yeonjun was great at it.

it was perfect.

yeonjun was perfect.

soobin admired him from afar, always from afar. soobin saw that he was perfect, and that admiration somehow turned into a crush, bloomed into this small bud of love.

until one day bang-pd had sat those 5 young teenagers and announced they’d be forming a group together.

that’s when from afar turned into by his side .

watching yeonjun from a close distance was a whole different experience.

it made soobin realize that yeonjun was not this superhuman perfect being that his mind made him out to be. it was like meeting a whole new person.

yeonjun was also a human.

he has the habit of talking with his mouth full.

he chortles and snorts loudly when he laughs at something he finds to be very funny.

he has the habit of teasing the younger members.

he’s stubborn when he’s mad, sometimes acts mean, but he always apologizes after.

when he’s tired he doesn’t clean up after himself, and when he wants something he whines like a child and throws himself across people.

he does make mistakes with choreographies, but soobin often watched him spend extra time to perfect it.

had watched him spend sleepless nights missing dinner and much needed hours of rest to try and get the correct notes in his parts of the songs.

he also watched him cry over the pressure he feels is being put on him, to maintain being the number one trainee, to beat everyone’s expectations when they debut. he watched him cry and heard him admit that sometimes it’s hard on him to carry that burden.

then soobin saw that yeonjun was not perfect and he loved him even more.

and soobin guesses that’s when he should’ve realized that it was only a matter of time.

after all, he never stood a chance against yeonjun because loving yeonjun came naturally to him.

he didn’t notice when it started, but when he registered it he had accepted it with open arms.

and so loving yeonjun became like breathing and that’s how the seeds were planted.)

+x+

soobin opens the door to their shared dorm and with a tired groan, he kicks off his shoes. he can hear the sound of people arguing, probably over a round of gaming.

he kind of expected that everyone would be awake, it wasn’t that late anyways, still around 09:40pm, but a part of him hoped that everyone would be in their rooms as he was feeling a bit tired and was in no mood for talks.

“oh! soobin-ah!”

said man looks up from untying his shoelaces and he feels his breath stutter at the blinding smile directed at him.

“you’re back!” yeonjun exclaims while watching his friend take off his shoes, “hueningie did say that you went out to meet some friends, but we didn’t expect you to spend the whole day out.”

“hyung,” soobin mutters under his breath.

“we made dinner–” yeonjun pauses for a second before shrugging, “well, taehyun made dinner and we texted you to see if you wanted any, but you didn’t answer so we saved some for you just in case.”

“Oh, sorry… was on mute,” he waves the phone in his hand and frowns as that familiar tickling sensation starts creeping in the back of his throat. he places a hand on his throat as he clears it, trying to get rid of that feeling.

“well, i kind of assumed you’d have had dinner by now, but i did save you some ice cream!” yeonjun says with a grin. he takes a big step towards soobin and links their arms together before dragging the younger man straight to the kitchen, “and you should thank me for it. you know how it gets with food around here, like a damn war zone or something.” he grumbles with a pout.

soobin’s eyes are fixated on yeonjun’s plump lips, completely missing the yells of ‘welcome home!’ thrown at him from the younger members that were still glued to the couch while trying to beat each other in a round of mario kart.

he can feel the warmth of yeonjun’s palm where it’s wrapped around his elbow and he feels something tingling in his stomach.

when they get to the kitchen, yeonjun lets go and soobin scolds himself for immediately missing his touch.

the feeling in his throat worsens when he sees how proudly yeonjun smiles as he pushes a half eaten ice cream tub into his unsuspecting hands, “there you go! it’s strawberry and cream, i know how much you like it. had to fight those monsters in the living room for it. almost lost a finger because beomgyu tried to bite it off.”

‘hey!’ they hear a yell of indignation, but both decide to ignore it and continue as if they had heard nothing.

soobin smiles, his eyes crinkling as he looks at the ice cream tub in his hands. this is so stupid, but he can’t help but feel happy that yeonjun remembers his favourite ice cream flavor, “thanks hyung.” he says. his sentence is immediately followed by a tiny cough that escapes his throat when he opens his lips.

yeonjun frowns at his friend in worry, “is that cough still persistent?”

soobin shakes his head to say no, he doesn’t want him to worry, and he tries his hardest to swallow back his cough as he clears his throat again.

yeonjun immediately turns around and grabs a cup then fills it with cool water, “here you go,” he mutters as he hands it to the younger man.

soobin puts the ice cream tub on the kitchen table to grab the glass then gulps down the water like a hungry man. the cold feeling of it helps cool his throat down and ease the itchiness.

“this has been going on for a while now, soobinnie…” yeonjun worriedly chews on his lower lip as he rubs soothing circles against his friend’s back, “i really think you should see a doctor for it.”

soobin ignores that statement, instead decides to thank him for the water, but apparently it was the wrong thing to do. the moment he moved his lips to say something, the feeling suddenly became unbearable and he let out a loud deafening cough.

yeonjun’s eyes widen as he startles from the force of it, “s-soobin!”

the rest of the members gather at the loud noise and they all stare at their leader with worried faces as soobin beats his chest, trying to ease the incessant coughs aggressively breaking through his lips.

he internally starts to panic when he feels the familiar smooth petals clogging the back of his throat. he tries to straighten up and quickly pushes his friends out the way and runs to one of the bathrooms.

he locks the door behind him and then grabs the edges of the sink as he continues on coughing. tears roll down his reddening cheeks when he feels a petal squirming up his throat, blocking all the air. his coughs become louder and nastier, he’s starting to get dizzy from the lack of air, eyesight blurring, when he feels his throat finally becoming free.

soobin’s taking in deep, quick shallow breaths, gulping down the air like a hungry man. he stares at the couple of petals he spat out innocently resting in the sink, crumbled and wet from his saliva as if they’re mocking him.

the sound of his friends calling for him and loudly knocking on the door is all but background noise compared to the ear-splitting ringing in his ears.

he continues on blankly staring at the petals before he grabs them and throws them in the toilet and watches as they go down the drain.

he doesn’t feel scared nor angry, but he is filled with the feeling of resignation.

he looks at the mirror and lets his eyes roam along his reflection, the dark prominent bags under his eyes, his pale complexion and his sunken cheeks.

but he doesn’t let that deter him. he washes his face and wipes it dry with a towel before looking at the mirror again. this time he smiles, however, it feels forced.

but he decides his love for yeonjun is beautiful and pure, he won’t let anything change that.

+x+

(their debut date was getting closer and so they worked themselves to the bones.

there were days when they did well, but some days they did badly, like today.

it’s true they’re living together now, however, it still felt like they were walking on eggshells around each other, not yet used to the presence of another in their private bubbles.

so, when mistakes were made during practice, they relied on their teacher to point it out.

soobin admits he’s not the best when it comes to dancing. he’s not bad, on the contrary, he’s quite talented, he doesn’t make dancing look awkward with his long limbs, but he was not the best .

at times, that would weigh him down. he’s the leader, he should lead them, but he was always the type to listen rather than to take the lead and it frustrates him to no end.

so, the day he gets told off the most for missing steps he decides to stay back to practice more. he sends his friends off with a smile, tells them he’ll be fine and that he’ll follow them home shortly. the moment they’re out of sight his smile drops and he sighs as he runs a hand through his hair in frustration.

he goes back to the dance room and turns on the speakers, the volume higher than usual and he silently hopes it’s loud enough to drown out the depressing thoughts in his mind.

he stops midway when someone turns off the music.

“you should take a step back here and tilt your head more to the left.”

soobin startles and turns around to face his friend, “hyung!” he exclaims with wide eyes, surprise coloring his features, “why are you still here?”

yeonjun shrugs and walks towards him, “i also made some mistakes during practice today, so i thought i’d stay behind so we can go through them together.” he says and grins wide at his friend.

soobin swallows against the lump in his throat.

liar.

he didn’t make any mistakes. he was amazingly flawless like always.

but…

“thank you, hyung…” he mutters.

yeonjun raises a brow, “for what? i just want to go over the moves i did wrong.” he jogs towards the speakers and turns to soobin, “ready?” he asks.

soobin nods.

when the dance moves they go over are only the ones soobin was having difficulty with, no one says anything.

and the seeds inside soobin sprout.)

+x+

the next day after the ‘bathroom incident’ as beomgyu likes to deem it, his friends stage an intervention.

“you are going to see a doctor.” taehyun firmly says after they had dragged him to the couch in their living room.

soobin sighs as he runs a hand through his hair, “guys, come on. we need to get ready, our managers will be here to pick us up any minute no–”

“no! we don’t want to hear it.” taehyun cuts him off, “us being a bit late is not an issue hyung, the issue is with you almost coughing up a lung yesterday and then acting as if you hadn’t stayed in the bathroom for thirty minutes afterwards to catch your breath.” he crosses his arms and glares at his friend.

soobin awkwardly chuckles as he sheepishly scratches his cheek, “it wasn’t that bad…” he mumbles as he looks at his feet, wiggling his toes for show.

“ wasn’t that bad?” beomgyu repeats, “hyung, you literally looked like you had a quick trip to god then came back.” he says and soobin glares at him.

“are you serious right now?”

“as serious as can be. you’re going to the doctor’s either on your own free will or with us four dragging you.”

soobin huffs and crosses his arms, “this is ridic–”

“soobinnie…”

said man stiffens, his shoulders squaring up. he refuses to look at yeonjun when he’s hundred percent sure he’s being given those killing puppy dog eyes.

“please, we’re very worried about you.” yeonjun says as he sits next to the younger man to make him look at him, “ please .” he whispers.

soobin swallows the lump in his throat as he looks at yeonjun’s sad frown before tearing his gaze away.

“yeah, hyung. you didn’t see how bad you looked yesterday. we only want you to be okay.” kai pleads.

soobin looks at all of them before he sighs in defeat and nods, “fine.”

the four members perk, “really?”

soobin nods again, “i’ll see if i can take an appointment anytime soon.” he says as he takes his phone out of his pocket, opening random apps on it just for show, “maybe this thursday.” he adds.

“yeah, that’ll be a great idea. we don’t start our schedule until noon.” taehyun says and soobin hums.

guess he doesn’t have to worry about what lies to tell regarding his outing on thursday.

+x+

thursday comes quicker than he thought, but the days also kind of dragged. kai had volunteered to come with him for support, but soobin kindly declined saying he’ll be alright on his own.

they hadn’t told their managers yet though, because soobin knew they’d tag along and he wanted to do this on his own.

he silently sits through everything, from the scan to the painful probing of needles in his arms for blood tests, then leaves with a new appointment for monday because that’s when the results will be out.

when he goes back to the company, his friends immediately crowd him the moment he walks into the practice room.

“so?” yeonjun’s the first to ask as he runs up to the younger man and grabs his hand.

soobin’s fingers twitch with the need to interlace their fingers together, but he holds back. instead, he lightly squeezes yeonjun’s hand and smiles, “they took some blood for a couple of tests they want to run and the results will be out by monday, so they scheduled an appointment for me then at the same time as today.” he says, but doesn’t mention the chest scan because he knows that’ll only worry them more and would bring on more questions he’s not really willing to sit through.

“oh…” yeonjun’s body sags in disappointment. he had wanted answers as quick as possible.

“so, we’ll get an answer to what’s going on on monday.” taehyun states.

soobin nods and for the first time in a year, he feels bad for lying to his friends. he already knows what’s going on, the only answer he’d be getting on monday is how long he still has.

“alright, well let’s not worry about the unknown and start practicing! we’ve got important performances to get ready for!” beomgyu exclaims. he smacks yeonjun quite hard on the shoulder that the sound resonates loudly, but he acts nonchalant as he turns around to walk towards their speakers and put on some music.

“that little–” yeonjun grumbles under his breath. he lets go of soobin’s hand and takes off his shoe ready to chuck it at the younger man before kai goes to beomgyu’s rescue.

“hyung, no!” kai yells as he grabs yeonjun, holding him back, “beomgyu-hyung, run!”

beomgyu yells when he notices and does as he’s told.

“taehyun! get him!” yeonjun yells and taehyun giggles out loud as he runs after beomgyu.

soobin stares at his friends and chuckles before his lips settle down into a sad smile as he watches them joke around and laugh out loud. he can start to feel the guilt bubble inside. will this all be ruined? what would they say when they find out the truth?

soobin doesn’t know and he doesn’t allow himself to think too deeply about this, but he does know he will miss them a lot.

he doesn’t think he’s ready to say goodbye to this.

+x+

the wait for monday was nerve wracking for many reasons. for one, he wasn’t going to lie, no matter how accepting he is of his condition, it is still scary knowing an estimate for the time he has left. second off, he could feel how antsy his friends were, especially every time he coughed. he notices the way beomgyu would freeze, sees the way taehyun clutches his phone as if getting ready to call for help at any second, the way huening holds his breath and the way yeonjun’s body twists in a way as if he’s getting ready to run towards him and offer any assistance.

his friends are definitely waiting for answers, more than him. it was so bad, he almost had to lock them in their shared apartment so they wouldn’t follow him.

they had caved in though, when he smiled and said, “please let me do this by myself. i’ll be okay, guys.”

beomgyu had taken a hesitant step towards him. his fingers were playing with the hem of his sweater as he bit his lower lip nervously, “promise?” he muttered as he looked at soobin through his bangs, eyes filled with worry.

soobin’s smile widened and he ruffled beomgyu’s hair, which would usually result in a round of whines of frustration, but this time he took it with stride, “i promise,” he replied, “it’s not like i’m dying or anything.” he jokes.

a lie.

his friends frown at him, not appreciating the joke. they stand in silence before yeonjun finally sighs, “fine.” he says, “but you better tell us everything!”

“of course, hyung.”

and another.

with that being said, he walks out and about thirty minutes later he finds himself sitting in the familiar waiting area, but this time it feels more intimidating than last time.

as if he’s waiting for the last judgment and in a sense, that might be the case for him.

“choi soobin-ssi?”

he jumps at the sound of his name and sputters.

the nurse just kindly smiles at him, “you can now go into the doctor’s office.”

“uh, yes, thank you.” he bows then quickly walks to the office, not pausing to look at the framed pictures in the hallway like last time.

he takes a deep breath to ground himself and counts to three before he knocks at the door and walks in when he hears a muffled, “come in.”

“good morning,” he greets doctor han with a smile.

“soobin-ssi, good morning. have a seat please.” she says as she motions for the seat across her desk, “how’ve you been doing since the last time i saw you?”

soobin sits down and clutches his bag close to him, “i’ve been well.”

the doctor hums as she clicks the mouse to open documents on her screen, “any fully bloomed roses since then?”

the young man shakes his head, “not really, only a handful of petals and half-bloomed roses every now and then.” he answers.

doctor han purses her lips together when she sees the report present and then gives soobin a tight smile, “soobin-ssi–”

“it doesn’t look good, does it?”

the doctor sighs in resignation, “not what i’d hoped for. no.”

soobin takes a deep breath and purses his lips in deep thought as he stares past her and out the window behind her, “you know… i can feel it.”

“feel… what?”

soobin taps his chest with a hand, “that something’s in here, growing, suffocating . at first, i didn’t think much of it, my love was still new. it was fresh, so i just assumed that this was normal. but you know, the more i loved, the more suffocating it became. it didn’t scare me though, because i thought that’s what happens when you love someone. you know? your chest becomes tight, it gets harder to breathe around them but somehow also much easier? those feelings of love nestle so deeply into you, you’re smothered.” he looks down at his hands and sighs, “it wasn’t until i coughed up that first petal when i figured it out, and i had decided it was too late then.”

“soobin-ssi…”

soobin shakes his head, “my point is, i can feel it. and doctor han, i had loved– still love , too deeply and i can feel it, ” he swallows the lump of emotions in his throat and looks the doctor in the eyes, “so… how long?” he croaks out and holds his breath.

how long do i have left to love that man?

doctor han closes her eyes for a second and takes a deep breath, “three months.” she says, “six at most.”

soobin breathes out and somehow, he’s not shocked but he feels numb, that tickling sensation running through his scalp and down his spine, “i see…” he mutters.

“but there’s still hope, you can undergo surgery. studies have shown that it has done wonders. more than 95% of the participants have shown great improvement.” doctor han is quick to add, “honestly, i recommend it, not to mention you’re still quite young, so you’d show great progress in no time.”

soobin stiffens, “surgery?”

doctor han nods, “it’s got a bit of risks, but they’re similar to any other surgery and honestly, with your condition, that looks like the best option…” she trails off then sighs. she turns the monitor’s screen so soobin can see the scan she was looking at, “see these white streaks?” she says as she points at a couple with a pen, “these are the roots and they’re embedded quite deeply where your bronchus should be. and this , this should’ve been your trachea but instead is a long stem. so, with surgery, we’d cut these out and clean your lungs. it might be possible in one go, but most of the time it depends on how deep the roots are and we might go in for a follow up surgery.” she explains.

“cut… cut out?”

“yeah.” the doctor looks at him and hesitates for a second before she adds, “these roots are… you could imagine them as the roots of love, when we remove them, your feelings… well, they go away.” she finishes.

soobin’s eyes widen like a deer caught in headlights, “no,” he shakes his head, “no, i don’t want surgery.”

“soobin-ssi! at this point, surgery could be the only solution for a full recovery and–”

“ doctor han, ” he looks at her and his eyes reflect fear, “i don’t want to cut him out of me.” he whispers, “i don’t– i can’t .”

the doctor stares at him with a frown, and for a minute the office is filled with silence, the only sound heard is the ticking clock on the wall. she sighs again before she speaks, “you know you won’t forget him, it’s only your feelings of love. he’d still be your friend. you can still be friends, your memories of him won’t go away.”

soobin bites his lower lip and squeezes the fabric of his bag in his fists, “i’ve only ever known how to love him,” he confesses, “all my memories of him are memories of love, so i can’t do it.” he shakes his head again, “please don’t take him away from me.” he whispers, the tear filled eyes directed at her begging with all their might to spare him as if she’s some monster trying to destroy all what’s precious to soobin.

doctor han freezes and she looks at the young man sitting in front of her. he’s big, tall, when he’s standing up he looms over everyone, but in that moment he looked absolutely small and broken, looked like the only thing that is actually holding him together is also what is breaking him apart.

his love for his man is both fascinating and frightening. just how deeply did he love, how amazing was that man for soobin to be scared at the just the thought of not loving him.

sometimes, she loathed her job, but she still had to do it.

doctor han gently smiles at the young man and says, “then tell me what you want to do. we’ll plan accordingly. i won’t take him away from you, soobin-ssi. i promise.”

soobin stutters out a breath of relief and shuffles in his seat, “i just want something to deal with the symptoms, i don’t want– i don’t need a fix, just something to make things better for a while. until… until i…”

until i’m forced to stop loving him.

“okay…” she mutters, “okay, we can do that.”

fifteen minutes later, soobin walks out with a prescription for an inhaler, two tablet medications and a follow up appointment in about a month to see whether or not the medications were working and if he needs to up the dose.

+x+

(realizing he was in love with yeonjun wasn’t a shocking revelation, there were no fireworks nor sparks.

no, when he realized it simply felt like a click, like taking a step back at a gallery and seeing the whole picture presented on the wall in front of him.

yeonjun was feeling playful at the moment. he nudged soobin with his elbow and nodded towards a sleeping beomgyu, nestled in the far corner in the dance practice room.

soobin had frowned at him in confusion, but yeonjun grinned at him then crawled over where beomgyu was resting. he leaned in, inhaled deeply before screaming loudly in the younger’s ear.

beomgyu jumped up and started cursing. soobin snorted in amusement as he watched. beomgyu sat up and turned to yeonjun, gave him a glare then lunged at him.

yeonjun yelled as he laughed, looked at soobin and extended his arm out, “binnie! help!”

the younger man didn’t move though, he allowed himself a minute to rake his eyes over the older man, the way he threw his head back in laughter that sounded like soft trinkets, his eyes crinkled and his nose scrunched up.

he looked so adorable. 

his cheeks darkened as they’re colored a deep red and his laughter turned into a fits of breathy giggles now.

bells.

soobin heard bells.

that’s when it dawned on him. soobin had blinked as the thought crossed his mind.

oh.

i love him.

yeonjun rolled over and was now sitting on beomgyu, trying to hold him down and he snickered, looking amused and happy.

and it’s beautiful.

happiness looks the best on him. not makeup, not designer clothes nor gold accessories. none of these, but just happiness.

“bin-ah!”

said man startled and looked at the yeonjun who’s grinning at him wide, all playful.

“come on!”

and soobin goes, he always does, can never say no to yeonjun.

he assumes that’s how a small green bud grew because that’s when his feelings started to seem as if they’re trying to smother and suffocate him.)

+x+

he buys the prescribed medications on his way home and continues to ignore the incessant vibration of his phone as it goes off every couple of minutes due to the group chat. it’s definitely his friends asking how the appointment had gone.

soobin stands in front of their apartment door, too afraid to go in and face the millions of questions that will be directed at him because he knows he’d end up lying his way through them.

the weight of the actual test results and diagnosis stuffed deep into his backpack weighs him down, they feel like a brick wall and they’re the only reason why soobin moves to unlock the door. he can’t wait to shove them away in the corner of the last drawer of his bedside table, the drawer he rarely ever opens.

he takes a deep breath then walks in, and not a second later four heads pop in front of him, wide eyes filled with worry stare at him, unblinking and soobin stares back.

“so?” kai asks slowly and everyone waits with a bated breath.

“it’s…” he opens and closes his mouth, his eyes raking over his friend’s features before he sighs and smiles, “everything was okay.”

beomgyu sucks in a breath, “really?”

soobin nods, “really.”

taehyun frowns, not yet believing that, “then what about all the fits of coughing and breathlessness?”

soobin scratches the back of his neck and yeonjun’s eyes narrow at the action, “the doctor said it’s a minor infection that was left untreated. she prescribed me an inhaler, an antibiotic and something for the pain. she said it’ll gradually get better and booked me in for a follow up appointment in a month.”

the youngest three sag in relief, “that’s great.” kai mutters, “we were very concerned, hyung.” he says with a visible pout.

soobin ruffles kai’s hair, “i know, but don’t worry. it’ll get better now.”

kai, taehyun and beomgyu dive in to hug soobin, all the while yeonjun’s standing on the side, his gaze calculating as he watches them while chewing on his lower lip.

with a sigh he turns around and walks into his room, not noticing the way soobin’s eyes follow him.

after calming his friends down, soobin goes in for a quick shower and he keeps the water running, hoping it drowns down the sound of his coughing fits.

he crouches down, the hot stream hitting his back and somehow it feels a bit relieving as if someone’s beating it in comfort while he continues coughing. his tears trail down his cheeks along with the beads of water and he’s choking, he tries to take a deep breath, but it only makes the feeling of breathlessness worse due to the mix of the hot steam and the petals clogging his throat and for a second, soobin wonders if this moment is it.

until finally, with one last brutal cough, a fully bloomed flower is spewed out onto the floor of the shower.

with a trembling hand, soobin turns off the streaming water and sits on the cold tiles. he leans back, resting his weight against the chilling wall and tilts his head backwards. he takes in deep shaky breaths, the back of his throat burning at the action. his whole body is quivering and at this point he doesn’t know if it’s because of the lack of air or tiredness. with one last breath, he opens his eyes and looks at the rose, face devoid of any emotions. he decides that this is enough for his shower and grabs the flower.

soobin slowly dries himself and wears the set of pajamas he brought in. he hides the rose in the pocket of his sweatpants and puts the shirt over it. he checks whether the lump is visible and when he’s sure it’s not, he walks out and directly goes to his room.

he takes out the envelope that contains his test results and shoves it in the drawer then pulls out the rose and does the same.

soobin startles when he hears someone knock on his door and he immediately closes the drawer.

“soobinnie… are you still awake?” he hears yeonjun ask through the door.

he stands up and goes towards the door and opens it, “hyung, is everything okay?”

“uh… yeah, but…” soobin watches as yeonjun nervously fumbles with his sweater, pulling the sleeves down his hands more than it can stretch.

“hyung?” the younger frowns in concern.

yeonjun sighs and looks at him, “can i come in?” he asks shyly.

soobin turns his head and looks around his room, his bed and the dresser, making sure there’s no random petal that he missed. when he sees that there’s nothing out of sorts he nods his head and opens the door wider, a silent invite.

yeonjun walks in then looks around but doesn’t take a seat, instead he stands in the middle of the room and soobin can feel the nervous energy he’s exuding, “hyung, are you okay?” he asks when he closes the door and turns to look at his friend.

“is everything really okay?”

soobin stiffens and for a second he worries that he wasn’t hiding things well enough, “of course things are fine. hyung, do you not trust me?” he says it with a chuckle, as if trying to pass it as a joke.

a low blow.

“what?” yeonjun frowns, “of course i trust you! it’s just…” he bites his lower lip and stares at the carpeted floor. he sighs and looks up at his friend, his eyes glistening with worry and fear, “so it’s really nothing serious?” he mutters.

soobin allows himself a minute to look at his friend in the face and he notices the way yeonjun’s body is trembling, the way his eyes are filled with tears he’s trying to hold back and soobin can feel his own prickle and burn, he swallows the lump of emotions in his throat and smiles, “nothing to worry about, hyung.” he whispers.

“really?”

“really.”

a smile of relief slowly makes its way to yeonjun’s face and it gradually widens into a big grin, “oh, thank god!” he giggles as the weight of worry is lifted off his chest now that he knows that his friend is really okay and throws his arms around soobin’s shoulders and brings him in for a tight hug, “i’m glad.” he mutters and it comes out muffled as he nuzzles his face into the warm skin of soobin’s neck.

soobin’s arms twitch at his side. he sighs in resignation and slowly wraps his arms around yeonjun’s waist. he buries his face in yeonjun’s hair and takes in a deep breath, “you were really worried, weren’t you?” he mumbles, more to himself than the older man.

but yeonjun had heard it and he squeezed his friend tighter, “very.”

“i’m sorry, hyung.”

yeonjun frowns and leans back to look at soobin, “why are you apologizing, bin-ah? it’s not your fault you fell sick.”

‘but it is.’

‘i’m sorry for lying, hyung.’

but soobin doesn’t say that, instead he hums and brings yeonjun back in for a hug and hides a stray tear against his clothed shoulder.

yeonjun gently sways them and runs a comforting hand through soobin’s soft hair, “it’ll be okay, bin-ah. we’ll be okay.”

‘will we really?’

soobin squeezes yeonjun tighter, burying his face further into his warmth.

+x+

(the first time soobin coughed a petal went a little bit like this.

his throat felt sore from the moment he woke up. it felt like something was stuck there, and no matter how many times he cleared his throat or tried to cough it up, it didn’t work. like when choking on popcorn and even after a coughing fit, it still feels like a small piece is still stuck in there.

he took a couple of lozenges and even though it soothed him and made swallowing a bit easier, the feeling was still there as if waiting for the smallest bite to act up.

and it went like that throughout the rest of the day. he coughs a bit during practice, and couldn’t get out a full verse during recording, so their manager decided that that was enough for soobin and told him to go home for the day to rest.

soobin reluctantly agrees, it’s not like there’s anything he can do. he goes home feeling down as if he had disappointed his members and he makes sure to apologize for that when the rest get home.

“hyung, there’s nothing to be sorry about.” taehyun said as he patted him on the shoulder, “just make sure you’re healthy. that’s all we care about.” and everyone nodded in agreement.

later that night, soobin notices that he does feel much better than this morning and decides not to let guilt eat at him as he might’ve really needed this break.

he walks out of his room to go to the kitchen to make himself some instant ramen and on his way sees yeonjun sprawled over the couch in the living area on a video call with one of his friends.

“no, darling, ” yeonjun drawls as he grins at whoever is at the other end of the screen and soobin vaguely feels his throat acting up again.

the older man twists his head when he notices someone passing by, “oh, soobin-ah!” he calls out, “wooyoung says hi!” he says while waving his phone up in the air.

soobin looks at his friend and notices he has his wireless earphones on. he smiles at the screen presented to him and waves, “hello, wooyoung-ssi.”

yeonjun lowers his screen and snorts at something only he heard, then looks at soobin again, “he said not to be too formal, just call him hyung.”

“uh, yeah, okay hyung.” he says.

“what’re you doing?” yeonjun asks as he sits up.

“was feeling a bit hungry so i wanted to make some ramen.” soobin shrugs.

“oh!” the older perks, “make some for me too, please?” he tilts his head and bats his eyelashes with a teasing smile.

soobin snorts, “hyung, you don’t have to act cute, i’d still make you some if you asked like a normal human being.”

“see?” yeonjun turns his attention to his phone, “heard that, honey? he called me cute. ”

“uh, well, that’s not really what i said–”

“and because i’m cute , he’s going to make me some ramen.”

“again… not really what i was say– no, you know what, i’m not even going to argue with you.” with that being said, soobin turns around and walks to the kitchen.

he fills a pot with enough water to make 2 packs of ramen, quietly working as he listens to yeonjun’s laughter ringing loudly in the background. soobin frowns and clears his throat as he feels that familiar prickling sensation crawling up again. he rubs his neck and tries to ignore it, even swallows his saliva in the hopes it alleviates it.

“soobin-ah!” yeonjun says as he comes from behind the younger man. he wraps his arm around the taller’s shoulders and blinks at the pot, “the water’s already boiling. put the ramen in!”

soobin startles and looks at the boiling water, “oh, uh yeah.”

yeonjun grabs the ramen packets and scrunches his nose as he throws in the noodles, “are you trying to feed me bad ramen, soobin?”

the younger man snorts and raises a brow as looks at his friend, “i mean, if i was, i would’ve honestly put more effort.”

yeonjun gapes at the taller man and scoffs, “uhm… rude? maybe i should’ve taken wooyoung’s invitation to join his group afterall.” he mutters as he looks away and focuses on the ramen again.

soobin tries to smile, but the itching persists and his smile twitches. he clears his throat and hopes it goes away, however, the feeling only gets worse. a cough breaks through the tight seal of his lips and yeonjun frowns in worry as he looks at his friend, “are you okay, soobinnie?”

soobin wants to nod, wants to say; yes hyung, i’m fine , but all that comes out is another cough, this one louder than the previous and it rattles through his chest, causing an immense burning sensation to run through his lungs and up his chest into his throat.

yeonjun lets go of the chopsticks and frantically turns around to give his friend a cup of water, but soobin shakes his head. he can’t drink it, not when he can’t breathe.

soobin’s eyes widen in realization, he can’t breathe.

his hand grabs his own throat, nails digging into the skin as if trying to dig out whatever it is that is blocking his airway.

“s-soobin!”

soobin can’t breathe, he can’t .

he turns around and runs into the bathroom and the cough persists. he sits on his knees and opens the toilet seat. tears are falling down his red cheeks as he tries to take in a deep breath, but it feels like a wet sheet flapping in his throat and he gags then finally throws up.

soobin ignores the way the gastric acid burns his throat and mouth as he gulps in the air. he can breathe.

he can breathe .

he closes his eyes then rests his head back against the edge of the sink behind him, and holds back a sigh of relief as the cold ceramic cools his skin. he takes a minute to calm down before grabbing a handful of toilet paper to wipe his mouth from the spit and vomit.

he blinks the left over tears and then looks into the toilet, his eyes widened for a fraction.

soobin doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so he does both. tears are running down his face as he chuckles in disbelief.

he always thought he didn’t love yeonjun as much as he should, that he didn’t love him enough.

but the red petals floating in the toilet glaring at soobin are telling him that he might’ve loved him a bit too much .)

+x+

the days following his appointment are spent in tense and awkward moments. their comeback date is nearing and so the workload has increased. on normal days, soobin would be okay with all the meetings and practice they’re undergoing, but with his condition it feels like doing the impossible.

he’s currently barely holding on, soobin grits his teeth and tries to focus on their dance practice, but the lack of air is making it difficult as his vision starts to blur.

yeonjun’s eyes meet his in the mirror and the older man hesitates and ends up being a step late, causing him to crash into beomgyu who groans in pain when his nose hits yeonjun’s shoulder.

the loud music cuts off and yeonjun swallows, his eyes never leaving soobin’s figure who’s crouched down on the floor and is panting more than usual, “let’s– let’s take five.” he says then jogs to grab soobin’s inhaler, “here you go,” yeonjun mutters and hands soobin the inhaler as he kneels next to the taller man, gently rubbing the younger man’s back.

soobin closes his eyes and stutters a breath in relief, the warmth of yeonjun’s hand on his back seeping through his thin shirt and onto his skin, sending small ripples that turn of the fire in his lungs and he finds it easier to breathe as he takes a puff of the inhaler.

yeonjun leans in, his face inches away from soobin’s. he lets his eyes run across the younger’s face, trying to spot if something else was wrong, “okay?” he asks, his other hand moving to gently move soobin’s bangs away from his eyes.

the taller man nods and swallows the lump in his throat, “yeah, yeah i’m fine.” he looks up and sends yeonjun a smile, “thanks, hyung.”

yeonjun nods, “of course,” he mutters and rests his forehead against soobin’s, “anything for you, bin-ah.”

the other members do their best to look away, the sight of their leader using that inhaler makes an uncomfortable weight sit in the pits of their stomachs, but the sound of coughing makes them look up in worry at their friend again.

yeonjun turns his head, “hueningie, can you pass me his cough remedy from the bag over there?”

kai nods, “yeah, okay.”

when kai brings it, yeonjun tries to help soobin drink a bit, but soobin grabs the bottle and snorts, “i’m alright, junnie. i can do this on my own, you don’t have to baby me.”

“i… i know. i’m just– we’re all–”

“you’re worried, i know.” he looks up at his friends and smiles, “but really, there’s no need to worry guys. i already feel better.”

the members look at each other in doubt, he doesn’t look any better .

but they don’t say that, what they do is they send him a small smile before going back to practice, this time at a slower pace than before as each and every one of them keeps on subtly checking up on the leader.

soobin doesn’t mention that he actually feels worse. everyday, breathing becomes like hard work, he has to put in some effort into that, it’s no longer coming to him naturally.

he also doesn’t mention that even though he had already exceeded the prescribed dose the doctor had originally given him, the symptoms did not go away; barely even made a difference.

so, he continues with practice and even though he knows they’re going slower than usual because of him, he doesn’t have the heart to tell them off, but is instead thankful for them when they say they need a break almost every thirty minutes because that’s how long it takes before soobin starts to feel faint.

+x+

on a rare day off, yeonjun and kai decide to go out to watch a new movie they’ve both been very excited for. their friends send them off with yells of, ‘ have fun! ’ and ‘don’t eat too much without us!’

yeonjun just laughs as they walk out the door. sitting in the taxi, the older man whips out his phone to type out a message.

kai looks at him and raises a brow, “everything okay, hyung?”

yeonjun hums, “yeah, just forgot to tell one of the guys something.”

‘beomgyu-ah, please make sure to keep an eye on him. call if anything happens, we’ll come back as soon as possible.’

the other three left at home are sitting at the dining table, playing a game of cards when beomgyu’s phone vibrates and lights up, signaling that he has received a message.

he silently looks at his phone and doesn’t react when soobin asks, “what is it?”

beomgyu just shrugs, “nothing. just my mom asking what i’m having for dinner.”

they continue their game of cards as they discuss what to have for dinner. everything was going alright, soobin hasn’t been coughing as much this day and it fills everyone with a little bit of relief.

it, however, starts to act up again when taehyun says, “guys did you know that yeonjun hyung got one of those infamous inkigayo sandwiches?” he sniffles as he looks at his cards, “anyways, have you got a four?”

soobin’s eyes widen and he lets out a small cough, “w-what?”

beomgyu curses under his breath, “damn it,” he grumbles as he hands over three cards of four and taehyun laughs out loud as he slams his cards on the table in victory. beomgyu looks at his cards, “are you serious? also, have you got a six?”

“uh-huh,” taehyun nods, “i didn’t know that they still do that. and nope, go fish.”

soobin didn’t know either.

he frowns when that familiar sensation starts crawling up his lungs and into his trachea. he scratches his throat and swallows his breath, trying to stop an oncoming episode. the sound of his friends talking is all but background noise to him as his brain focuses on two things;

someone confessed to yeonjun hyung,

and

i need to hold back my coughs.

but life had never been easy on soobin. a sudden loud cough breaks through his lips, so strong he felt it rattle his lungs. he stands up and holds onto the edge of the table as another cough makes him double over.

“h-hyung! shit!” beomgyu moves and with trembling hands he grabs his phone and starts tapping on the screen when his friend lets out another deafening cough, “i’ll– ambulance– i’ll call–”

soobin coughs again, but quickly grabs beomgyu’s phone.

“hyung!” beomgyu yells. he watches in horror as soobin’s pale complexion turns bright red and he starts beating at his chest. he shudders when he hears soobin wheeze as he tries to take a deep breath in.

he can feel it, soobin can feel it and it’s bigger than usual. it’s not one of the normal petals. he can feel it slide up his trachea with every cough he has and he winces as he feels something sharp dig into the back of his tongue.

his coughing is turning more aggressive and cutting, like a loud roar, and with every cough he feels as if his head is splitting and eyes palpitating. his vision is all blurry and he’s sure it’s not due to the tears. he wants it to end, wants to breathe, but it’s there, the stubborn rose, and he doesn’t feel it budging from the back of his throat so he does the next best thing.

soobin’s sure this might traumatize his friends, and he’s sure it might be a risky move, but he can’t take it, not anymore. he’s hiccupping, desperate for a breath as he shoves in two fingers into his mouth and tries to pull the flower out, but it’s slippy with all the mucus and spit.

he’s freaking out now, doesn’t know what to do, but suddenly with one last cough, he spits out a fully bloomed rose with thorns nestled on its small stem.

his body is trembling in exhaustion and he stares at the bloody rose that now rests on the floor with a blurred vision. he’s so out of it, he doesn’t notice the blood trickling out his lips and down his chin.

“s-soobin– soobin hyung, w-what…” beomgyu asks as he stares at the flower with a horrified look on his face, “you… h-how… why?! ”

soobin sniffles and wipes his cheeks and nose with the back of his sleeve, “i think we both know why and how.” he tries to joke, but his voice comes out hoarse and by the looks of taehyun and beomgyu’s faces, his joke was not very appreciated.

taehyun swallows and his eyes move from the flower to his friend, “h– hanahaki?” he mutters.

soobin chews on his lower lip and nods.

“who… who’s…?” beomgyu stutters, not sure how to ask his question.

who is it? who’s the one responsible for this rose?

his friend doesn’t look at him as he plays with the hem of his sweater and taehyun’s eyes widen in realization, “no.”

soobin lifts his head and looks at the youngest man, but doesn’t answer.

“it’s not… it’s not yeonjun hyung, is it?” he finally asks and he sees the taller man twitch, his body trying to fold in on itself to make himself seem smaller.

“ yeonjun?! ” beomgyu asks in disbelief, “you’re… you–” he swallows, “you’re in love with yeonjun hyung?! ”

soobin takes a deep breath then nods.

“since when? when did you–” beomgyu stares at his friend and takes a step back, “wait… don’t tell me, you’ve known… you’ve always known haven’t you?”

“i’m sorry.” soobin whispers.

“ sorry? how long have you known you’ve had hanahaki, soobin?” he asks, “you’ve known all along, didn’t you? all these– these appointments , they were for that weren’t they? you weren’t even planning on telling us, were you?!” he sneers as he throws his accusations, “or were you planning to wait for your deathbed ? when things are no longer alright, and are bordering on too late! ”

“but i’m- i’m fine.” soobin stutters out. he tries to wipe the blood that trickled down his chin with the back of his hand to the best of his ability. he frowns when he swallows and feels both the sting in his throat from fresh cuts and the taste of blood.

“fine? you’re fine?!” beomgyu laughs hysterically, his hands move towards his head as if he wants to pull at his hair in disbelief before he brings them down to his sides grasping at his pants, “you’re spitting fucking blood soaked roses, for fuck’s sake!”

“hyung…” taehyun mutters under his breath, but his friends don’t even notice.

“beomgyu,” soobin says and it sounds scratchy, he sighs and for a second regrets it as it makes the feeling in his throat more prominent, “just let it go.” he croaks out.

“ let it go?! are you actually being serious right n–”

“ hyung !”

soobin flinches when taehyun yells, both men look at their friend in shock. taehyun never yells, there are instances where he gets mad, frustrated, sad, sulky, and refuses to talk… yes, but he never yells .

“hyung, you’re- you-” he stutters as a sob racks through him, his breathing coming out in short sharp huffs, “can’t you see ? it’s killing you ! this- this love ,” he sneers as he motions vaguely with his hands at the bloodied rose on the ground and to soobin’s red blotchy palms, “this love that you cherish and hold close to your heart, protecting it as if it’s something precious, is eating at you and killing you!”

beomgyu looks at his younger friend and sniffles, he then looks away to wipe a stray tear away with the back of his hand.

soobin blinks for a second just staring at his younger friend, he sighs, “taehyun-ah…” he mutters, a small sorrowful smile tugs at his lips, “i… i can’t.” he shakes his head, “i can’t get rid of this, get rid of him. loving him is a big part of me, my feelings for him shaped me into the man i am today… so, if i go through this… if i rip out the seeds of that love from my lungs and i end up forgetting those feelings, erasing all he is to me, then who will i become? i don’t– no, i can’t live in a world where i don’t love him, where i don’t remember our precious memories. i can’t do that to him.”

“then what about you ?!” taehyun yells in frustration, and he looks so restless, so defeated that it makes soobin feel guilty for doing this to them.

“as long as he’s alright, then i’ll be okay, even when i’m six feet under ground.” and he says that with such a resolve that it feels as if someone had slapped taehyun across the face. the fact that he said it so calmly, that the thought of him dying soon doesn’t even shake him.

“hyung …” he mutters.

“and do you think he’ll actually be alright when you’re fucking six feet underground ?!” beomgyu grits out as angry tears make their way down his cheeks, “when he doesn’t even know why ? and what do you want us to tell him when he asks, huh? oh, well he loved you too much it killed him, choked him to death on thorned roses, is that it?! is that what you want us to say? stop, just stop, ” he runs his hands through his hair in frustration, “stop being so fucking stupid and irrational, soobin and think for a second ! this is your life we’re talking about, damn it!”

soobin clenches his fists so hard he feels his nails digging into his palms, “exactly.” he croaks out.

beomgyu frowns at him in confusion, “what?”

“you said it, it’s my life,” he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in to calm himself down before he looks at his friends, “loving yeonjun… that’s what my life had become the moment i fell for him and i don’t regret it one bit. i never did and i never will.” he exclaims.

both taehyun and beomgyu stiffen at the words and the weight they hold.

they knew their leader had feelings for the oldest member, they just never imagined how deep it had dug into his soul and entangled itself within the branches of his life.

“i know,” soobin starts, “i know this is a lot to deal with and i’m sorry for all of this, but… don’t tell him.” he mutters, “please don’t tell him.”

bemgyu doesn’t say anything, he looks up and glares at his older friend hoping it delivers the feeling of betrayal coursing through his veins right now before walking past him, angrily bumping their shoulders together.

soobin sighs and smiles apologetically at taehyun before he leans down and grabs the rose off the ground and goes to the bathroom to clean himself.

and that was the end of it.

when yeonjun and kai come back home, they’re welcomed with a dark living area and complete silence.

“that’s weird,” kai mutters, “are they already asleep?”

yeonjun frowns. he turns on the lights and takes off his shoes then quietly walks in, “i’ll just go check up on soobin.” he whispers in case everyone was actually asleep.

kai nods, “alright, good night hyung.”

yeonjun smiles at him, “night, kai.”

he slowly walks towards soobin’s room and gently knocks on the door then waits for a reply. when he’s not met with an answer, he steadily opens the door and whispers as he pops his head in, “soobinnie?”

he blinks at the silence and the dark room before his eyes land on the big lump on the bed and he walks in, leaving the door ajar to allow a bit of light into the room. he quietly shuffles in and rests on his knees when he gets to the side of the bed, “soobinnie?” he repeats, but is still met with no answer.

he breathes out through his nose when he sees soobin’s sleeping face and he softly smiles at how relaxed he seems.

“soobin-ah,” he mutters as he tenderly brushes soobin’s hair away from his forehead, “i’m glad you’re still okay,” yeonjun then leans in and presses a gentle kiss to soobin’s forehead before nuzzling his nose into the black soft hair.

he takes in a deep breath and leans back before standing up and groaning when his knees pop. he unbuckles his belt and takes off his jeans before wiggling himself on the bed next to soobin. he wraps his arms tightly around his waist and buries his face into the warm skin of soobin’s neck.

yeonjun sighs and closes his eyes. he shuffles again and hears soobin grunt in his sleep, but he doesn’t stop until he presses an ear against soobin’s chest and he hears the sound of his beating heart.

a soft smile graces his lips and he allows the sound of soobin’s heart and the fact that he’s still there, alive , lull him into comfortable sleep.

+x+

taehyun and beomgyu never brought up that incident, but it always felt a bit tense when it was only the three of them in a room, as if they’re all standing on thin ice waiting for it to shatter down before the icy cold water underneath pulls them into its embrace and drowns them.

even though the atmosphere was very solemn between them, soobin wouldn’t admit that having someone know had helped him. whenever his fits of coughs started getting worse either taehyun or beomgyu would help cover for him as he ran to the bathroom and he really appreciated the fact that they had kept it a secret.

they’re sitting at the kitchen table having their breakfast when yeonjun asks, “you’ve got your follow up appointment today, right soobin-ah?”

soobin hums and nods before he shoves a fried egg in his mouth.

“i’m coming with.”

soobin’s eyes widen and he turns to look at taehyun in surprise. he swallows his food and frowns, “what?”

“we already agreed to that, or did you forget already?” taehyun raises a brow as if challenging him to say no.

soobin sighs and places down his chopsticks, “yeah,” he mutters as he keeps his gaze on his friend, “i guess i did.”

yeonjun frowns at the two and tries to ignore how strange beomgyu sounded when he stood up and said, “excuse me.” before leaving the kitchen.

he stares at the younger two as he chews on his lower lip before he sighs, “well, at least you’re not going on your own this time,” he points at taehyun with his chopsticks and gives him a hard stare, “and you. you better update me on everything that happens, am i clear?”

taehyun clenches his fists on his lap, hating that he’s going to have to lie to one of his dearest people and nods, “yes hyung.”

“good. now off you go, you don’t want to be late, do you?”

the ride to the pulmonary center was spent in awkward silence with them staring out their respective windows.

“hyung.” taehyun says, finally breaking the silence.

 soobin hums, eyes focused on the buildings passing by, “what is it?”

“i…” he sighs and turns his head to look at his friend, “i won’t go in with you to the doctor’s office, but i expect you to be truthful to me about what happens, no more hiding.”

soobin swallows and nods, “okay,” he mutters as he turns his head and gives taehyun a small smile, “no more hiding.”

they spend the rest of the ride in silence, but this time it feels more comfortable. however, sitting in the waiting area had been more nerve wrecking for taehyun. he wasn’t the patient, but looking at those that were sick waiting for their turn, knowing that his close friend is one of them, formed a lump in his throat.

taehyun startles when he feels soobin grab one of his hands and squeeze it, “it’ll be alright, don’t worry.”

the younger man swallows the lump in his throat and blinks away the tears, “hyung–”

“choi soobin-ssi?”

they both look up at the call of soobin’s name who squeezes his hand and smiles at him, “i’ll be back.”

taehyun takes a deep breath and nods, “i’ll be waiting for you.”

now, soobin knows the way. he doesn’t need to look left and right, doesn’t need to ask for directions, he just directly walks into the office and sits down, like a robot doing its job.

“soobin-ssi,” doctor han gives him a tight smile, “how’s it been going with the medications prescribed?”

“it’s been… it’s been okay.” he says, even though it hasn’t, but soobin has reached a point where he doesn’t even know what actually being okay is, so he lies his way through it because there’s nothing that can be done.

the doctor scratches her head in thought then sighs. she leans forward and rests her elbows on her desk, “soobin-ssi,” she trails her eyes over the young man’s features and notices how sickly he looks, how sunken his cheeks are and how tired of all of this he seems. her smile turns into a sympathetic one as she mutters, “you realize that i’m the only person you don’t really have to lie to or hide anything from. anything and everything you say will be kept confined within these four walls as long as that’s what you want.”

soobin’s gaze moves from where it’s trained to the floor to finally look her in the eyes and he caves. his lower lip trembles and he sniffles, he doesn’t bother to wipe his tears away, “i’m– i’m so tired .” he confesses, “and i’m scared .” he silently sobs.

doctor han stands up and walks around her desk to kneel down next to the young man, “i know it is hard, and i know this must be very scary, hard… draining … and,” she bites her lip in thought before she gives in, “i know we agreed against it, but i want to remind you in case you ever do change your mind, the option is still there.”

soobin rubs his red nose with his sleeve and looks at her.

“it’s not too late to have the surgery.”

soobin shakes his head, “no, my answer is still the same, i won’t have it.”

doctor han sighs, “i know, and we won’t do anything you don’t want to, but as your doctor i just have to put it out there.”

he hums and nods and the doctor stares at him for a minute before she stands back up and goes to sit on her chair, “now, i’m going to ask again, alright? are the prescribed doses helping?”

“it’s…” soobin sighs and shakes his head, “i coughed up a thorned rose a couple of weeks ago.”

doctor han stiffens and her fingers freeze over her keyboard, “was it the only one?”

“no,” soobin whispers, “it happened again. the coughing rarely stops now, i’m spitting flowers more than petals and…”

“and?”

“and i’m almost always feeling breathless.”

the doctor’s gaze hardens as she keeps staring at her screen and soobin studies her face, the dip of her eyebrows and the way she’s clenching her jaw.

“doctor han, it’s not six months, is it?” he chuckles sadly and looks down at his hands resting on his lap, “i’ve not got two months left either, have i?”

“soobin-ssi–”

soobin sniffles and looks up at her with a smile, “it’s okay. i learned a lot over the last couple of years. you can fall in love, and your heart can break. and it hurts… a lot ,” he snorts as if the thought amuses him. he sheepishly scratches his head, “sometimes you would think that it’d be better if you died when it did, because the pain can be unbearable, but you don’t. so, you have to learn to live with it, and you have to get used to that pain, to embrace it and prevent it from hurting, but i didn’t because as much as loving him hurt, it also made everything better. so, doctor han,” his smile widens into a grin and the doctor stares at him with eyes wide in surprise, “i don’t regret it. not my decision to love him, nor my decision to never stop loving him.”

she holds her breath as she continues to stare at him in shock.

doctor han had never seen him this happy and content.

she swallows the lump in her throat, clears her throat and nods, “okay, soobin-ssi,” she croaks out and quickly looks at her screen, “how about we try a new stronger prescription, hm?”

soobin nods, “yeah, sounds great.”

she gives him the prescription and sends him off with a smile, “i’ll… i’ll see you in two weeks?” she says, but it sounds more of a question, unsure of his situation.

if you’re still here, i’ll see you in two weeks.

soobin stops at the door and looks at her, “see you then,” he nods his head and smiles, “thank you for everything.”

the smile on her face twitches, “i’m only doing my job, soobin-ssi.”

soobin nods again and walks out the office, but the twisting feeling in her gut that kept on telling her that this was a goodbye did not go away no matter how much she wished for it.

when taehyun sees soobin walking into the waiting area he runs to him, “hyung! how’d it go?”

soobin smiles at him and for the first time in a while taehyun realizes that it’s genuine, “everything’s okay, taehyun-ah.”

taehyun’s hand twitches, he knows it’s a lie, hanahaki doesn’t just easily go away , but something had held him back from calling out soobin for his lie, so he bit his tongue and forced a smile back, “that’s good to hear, hyung.”

+x+

yeonjun knew something was not right. he’s not stupid and he tends to notice things quickly. he notices the way soobin’s coughing had not stopped, he hears the ear splitting coughs in the middle of the night and he sees the way taehyun and beomgyu stiffen with looks of absolute terror on their faces, as if something bad is bound to happen.

but he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t do anything because soobin doesn’t want him to.

doesn’t want him to ask, to prod, to figure out .

so, he acts clueless, acts stupid , acts as if his world wasn’t falling apart when he walks into the bathroom right after soobin one night and sees a red petal in the corner behind the trashcan. everything clicks then as he grabs it in his hand, it feels so soft and silky, such a wild contrast to its deadly meaning and actions.

he spends that night sobbing his eyes out under his blankets on the bed as he quietly whimpers soobin’s name into his wet pillow.

“s-soo–” he hiccups, “ bin-ah –” he chokes, “ o-oh god, s-soobi–in–” he gasps, “ n-no, ple-please, b-bin– oh, soobin–”

and he weeps as he clutches the front of his own shirt, hoping it eases the excruciating pain in his heart.

why does love have to hurt so badly?

+x+

the day after his appointment, their group is called in for an important meeting with their managers. when they were told about it, they guessed it was regarding what, but no one really said anything.

they were all sitting in one of the artists’ rooms when their manager walked in. he gave them a nod and small smile before sighing, “so, i guess you know why you’re all here.” his eyes moved from each one of them until they landed on soobin’s, “i’m sorry to say this, but the management team is talking about the possibility of postponing your comeback…”

they all straighten up at that, but they don’t argue. they all know why.

the manager runs a hand through his hair and groans in frustration, “i understand how hard you’ve all been working for this comeback, i’ve seen it all, but with… with soobin’s current condition we can’t really push through with it, you get what i mean?”

they all nod and soobin chews on his lower lip as he trains his eyes on the brown tiles of the floor, “yeah.” he mutters, already feeling guilty for putting his team members through this.

“and speaking of which, soobin-ssi, the team has decided to take you to see a doctor as soon–”

soobin quickly looks up and shakes his head, “i’ve already seen one, i’m– i’m–” he swallows, “i’m already on some prescribed medications.” he says, and he hopes his voice doesn’t come out as shaky. it wasn’t really a lie.

the manager raises a brow, “you’ve been to a doctor?”

soobin nods, “yeah, she’s a pulmonary specialist, so she knows what’s wrong and everything.” he’s quick to add. he doesn’t want anymore doctors, doesn’t want any tests done or anything.

he knows his lie can only take him so far, he can already see the finish line of this prolonged lie he made, but just for now, before he reaches the end, he doesn’t want anyone to pry.

“okay,” the manager nods, “alright, we just need a doctor’s report. also her name and contact details, just to know where we’re at and if everything’s going alright. just in case.”

“i…” soobin stiffens, “it’s–”

“he has a follow up appointment in two weeks,” beomgyu cuts him off, “he can get the doctor’s note then, is that okay?”

the manager takes a deep breath, “that sounds good. for now, we’ll take it slow with practice and work until we can figure things out. i’ll call when i’ve got any more updates.” he says then walks out, leaving the rest in tense silence.

+x+

“hyung, hyung! ” beomgyu whines and winces in pain when yeonjun pulls harder at his wrist dragging him into an empty studio and closes the door behind them.

yeonjun turns around and crosses his arms, “what’s going on?”

beomgyu frowns and rubs his sore wrist, “what do you mean?”

“it’s very obvious that both you and taehyun know what’s going on, so i want in.” yeonjun says and he tries to control his voice as to not sound angry and frustrated. he’s starting to get annoyed at the fact that soobin had told them, but decided to hide it from him . he always believed they were very close, but the fact that soobin’s not confiding in him hurts.

“i– i don’t know what you’re talking about, hyung.”

not to mention, how harder it’s becoming to hide the fact that he knows .

beomgyu shrinks away when he sees the glare yeonjun’s directing at him and he doesn’t know what to do so he looks away.

after a minute of silence, yeonjun sighs and finally says, “i know.”

beomgyu’s breath gets stuck in his throat and he looks at yeonjun with wide eyes, “what?”

“i know, i know, okay?” yeonjun groans in frustration and he starts pacing around in the small space as he runs his hands through his hair.

“what do you mean , you know, hyung?” beomgyu asks. he’s nervous, he doesn’t know what to say or how to react.

“for fuck’s sake! ” he yells and turns to look at beomgyu with wide eyes glistening in tears, “i know soobin’s got hanahaki!”

beomgyu’s arms fall to his side and he takes a hesitant step forward, “h-how–?” he raises his arms and grabs yeonjun’s shoulders, “how did you– did he tell you?!” he’s shaking his older friend as he starts freaking out, “hyung, how–”

“i found a petal!” he yells and beomgyu stops. yeonjun’s breath quickens as he looks at beomgyu with wide crazed eyes, “i found a petal…” he mutters as his lower lip quivers, “i–i went in to the bathroom after him… an–and i found a petal.” he sniffles as one tears after the other starts falling down his cheek, “beomgyu… i–i found a petal .” he repeats before breaking down into sobs.

“yeonjun hyung…” the younger mumbles as he slowly brings his friend in for a hug allowing yeonjun to cry.

yeonjun sniffles again and he gasps for a breath as he clutches the back of beomgyu’s hoodie, “why… why wouldn’t he tell me ?!” he cries out.

because he didn’t want you to cry like this… he didn’t want you to hurt.

beomgyu soothingly rubs yeonjun’s back and exhales loudly, “he didn’t tell any of us. taehyun and i just found out by mistake.” he mutters, “he wouldn’t have confessed if we hadn’t seen him cough up–” he bites his lower lip as he stops mid sentence. he doesn’t want to say it, a thorned rose , because it’ll make it real, it’ll make things sound as bad as they are and he doesn’t want that. so, he sighs and instead he says, “–a petal…”

they silently sit there for the next thirty minutes, the only sound filling the studio is that of yeonjun’s cries and beomgyu allows his friend the comfort of crying without anyone watching or listening, offering gentle pats on the back every now and then before they finally decide that it was time to go back.

+x+

as soobin’s health continued to worsen instead of getting better, the members were granted a week off even when they were supposed to be busy preparing for their comeback, but everyone had agreed to put everything on hold until they got a clearer picture of soobin’s health.

they were all busy doing their own thing, but within each other’s space. beomgyu was wedged on the single couch as he furiously typed away on his phone, probably trying a new game he’d installed.

kai was sitting on the couch’s arm, watching his friend play his game, while the rest were occupying the other couch watching a movie on tv.

yeonjun is sitting in the middle, resting his head against taehyun’s shoulder while soobin sits at the far end. no one says anything about the fits of coughs that never cease, but yeonjun could feel taehyun stiffen whenever soobin lets out a particularly nasty cough.

yeonjun chews on his lower lip, he feels his eyes burn with tears when he hears soobin using his inhaler and he tries to blink them away, his gaze still fixed on the big screen tv, “bin-ah…” he croaks out.

soobin turns his head and looks at the older man, “yeah?”

yeonjun stays silent for a minute. everyone’s turning to look at him, beomgyu slowly dropping his phone to look at his friend and kai straightening up from where he was leaning against beomgyu. yeonjun sits up straight and then looks at soobin with a quivering smile, “how about we go see another doctor?”

soobin blinks at him, “what?”

“let’s go see another doctor, yeah? you’re obviously not getting better, so this doctor you’re seeing is probably missing something and–”

the younger’s eyes widen and he minutely shakes his head, “n-no…” he mutters.

“soobin, please !” yeonjun begs, a desperate look on his face as he grabs his friend’s wrist, “the company can find you the best doctors this country has! i just… it feels like you’re wasting away, like you’re escaping through my fingers and it scares me!”

“hyung,” soobin shakes his head again, “no, i– i can’t, i don’t–”

“soobin… soobin, please, oh god, please, i’m– i’m begging you,” yeonjun sniffles and goes to wipe away the tears that escaped through his lashes with his sleeve, “i can’t eat, i can’t sleep, i can’t breathe ,” he pulls soobin’s arm and his other hand beats at his chest, “i can’t breathe, soobin-ah. i’m scared, i’m so afraid, i’m– i– oh god, i don’t even know what to do anymore!” he sobs and soobin blinks away his tears as he brings his friend in for a tight hug.

“it’s alright,” he whispers, “it’ll be alright.”

“stop lying to me!” yeonjun yells as he pushes away the younger man and glares at him through angry tears, “stop lying to all of us!” he shakes his head, “you’re not okay, it’s not alright, and it’s not going to be alright!” he sneers.

“yeonjun hyung,” taehyun whispers as he places a hand on the man’s shoulder, “calm down.”

“no!” yeonjun shakes away the arm on his shoulder, “can’t you see ?! he– soobin– you–” he pants and his eyes rake over soobin’s face, his pale complexion, his sunken cheeks and those god awful dark circles that eat away at half his face, “i’m scared to even blink because i’m afraid i’d lose you in that one second…” with trembling hands he caresses soobin’s face and tenderly runs his thumbs over the prominent cheekbones, “bin-ah, i’m absolutely frightened .” yeonjun whimpers and sniffles, “please… please , don’t– don’t–”

don’t leave me…

and it breaks him. it breaks soobin’s heart into a million pieces. all his fears and regrets, all the decisions that led to this point, that he had shoved in a jar so far into the back of his mind shatters. pieces of broken glass dig steeply into his brain and everything that he had done, the consequences of his actions, stood there in front of him, looking him dead in the eyes.

soobin wants to say something, he really does, but his body decides that this would be the perfect time for him to cough up a rose. it doesn’t happen quickly, however it happens suddenly.

he’s coughing badly, losing his breath and the sound of his friends calling out to him in fear is all but background noise, all he hears is this ear splitting ringing as his coughs become more forceful and violent.

he feels something drip down his chin, it’s hot against his skin and it drips onto his hands. with a blurred vision he sees it.

it’s red.

he doesn’t see anything else though, his vision is turning black from the black of air, he doesn’t even have the energy to cough anymore and he feels it.

this is it.

he doesn’t see how shocked yeonjun was, how petrified yeonjun was as he witnessed his friend coughing blood and losing his breath.

as he witnessed soobin’s life drain away from his body.

and he couldn’t do anything, yeonjun just continued on looking at the dreadful scene with a trembling figure as fear grabbed him with its cold hands and dug its sharp nails into the skin of his throat.

yeonjun experiences everything as if it were a movie, as if he’s a spectator standing on the outside with a film running. he doesn’t answer when spoken to and mindlessly follows the others around when beomgyu grabs him by the arm as he curses so they can quickly go after the ambulance that took soobin to the hospital.

yeonjun barely nods, eyes hollow and face pale with horror as all his mind can remind him of is soobin choking and coughing blood everywhere.

he then lets out a sound, a snivel in the car. he didn’t even notice the tears that had been falling down his face for the past fifteen minutes as his thoughts started coming to him.

soobin was leaving him.

soobin was… dying.

and he finally lets out a broken wail, hoping it covers the sounds of his mind and the sound of his shattering heart.

+x+

he groans as he squeezes his eyes tighter, the constant background sound of a machine beeping pulls him away from his slumber.

“hyung!” he hears someone yell, “quick! call the nurse, he’s waking up!”

soobin groans again as his eyes flutter open, he blinks a couple of times to get his vision to focus, “where–” he croaks out and winces at the pain he feels in his throat the moment he speaks.

“hyung, you’re at the hospital.” he hears kai say and he finally looks around. sees the white ceiling and the beige colored walls. he notices his friends hovering around his bed, but yeonjun is standing in the far corner, biting on his lower lip as he watches everything unfold as if he’s scared to come any closer.

when the nurse and a doctor come into the room, everyone else leaves and soobin wishes that yeonjun would at least throw him one look, but he doesn’t. he just keeps his head low and walks out.

“soobin-ssi.”

the young man raises his head at the sound of his name and his eyes widen, “doctor han.”

“how are you feeling?” she asks with a smile.

“okay,” he answers, “just a very sore throat.”

the doctor hums and nods, “i mean, i would imagine. the medics in the ambulance had to forcefully pluck out that rose. one of its thorns was wedged quite deeply in there.”

“oh…” he swallows the saliva forming in his mouth and winces again at the sharp pain, “what now?”

“well…” the doctor takes a deep breath and sighs as her eyes fall on the nurse taking soobin’s blood pressure, “we’ve got you hooked on the oxygen as your oxygen levels start to drop the moment we stop it and we’re giving you some fluids and medications for the pain,” she bites her lower lip for a moment and looks at him, “our goal is to make you as comfortable and pain free in these– in these last moments.” she mutters.

soobin quietly thanks the nurse and watches her leave the room before he finally replies, “i see…” he sniffles and scrunches his nose when he notices how dry the oxygen is making his nostrils feel.

doctor han hovers around for a minute, looking as if she’s contemplating her decision for a second before she finally caves in, “it’s him, right?”

soobin’s wide eyes quickly move to look at her face, “who?”

“that man?” she asks, “the one that seemed too scared to look at you? yeonjun-ssi, right?”

“how… how did you–”

doctor han shrugs, “you learn to notice a thing or two in my field,” she then smiles kindly at him, “plus, your eyes kept following him.”

soobin blinks and looks at the sheets covering him, “oh.”

“soobin-ssi.”

“hm?”

“just tell him,” she says, her gaze softening at the young man.

soobin doesn’t say anything, just scratches his head as he takes a deep breath.

“this might be a bit unprofessional of me, but soobin-ssi… you’re already dying. you’ve got limited time, and there’s nothing else you’ve got to lose. so just… just tell him. ” she says and soobin looks at her and he freezes at the look she’s directing at him.

as if her eyes were just begging him to.

“trust me,” she smiles again, “you might be surprised at what the world is hiding for you.”

she bows before walking out and soobin carefully watches her figure as she slowly closes the door behind her.

a second later, he can hear the muffled voices of his friends asking her questions and a minute later, he hears the familiar sound of someone crying.

he breathes out from his nose and closes his eyes, willing himself to sleep.

he doesn’t want to listen.

+x+

“you should talk to him.” kai says, currently sitting on the chair situated next to his friend’s bed as he focuses on cutting the apple in his hand, tongue peaking out as he concentrates on trying not to cut his own hand. 

soobin snaps a piece of the apple in his mouth and slowly chews then swallows before he looks at his younger friend, “who?”

they were currently the only two in the hospital room. the rest of the members went back to the dorms for a bit to shower and get some change of clothes then have something to eat before coming back.

“yeonjun hyung.”

soobin freezes at the sound of the older’s name and drops his hand to his lap.

kai sighs in frustration and places the knife and the apple on top of soobin’s table, “hyung, come on. don’t play stupid. i know you like him–” soobins whips his head to look at him in surprise but kai ignores him and continues, “–beomgyu hyung knows you like him, taehyun knows you like him, heck the whole company knows you like him. and as sad as this’ll sound, the only person that doesn’t know is him.”

“oh.”

“yes, oh. as mad and upset as i am at you for hiding this from me, from us, i can… i can try to understand why you did that, but hyung…you–” his gaze turns sad and sorrowful as he looks at how deathly his friend looks, at the oxygen connected to his nose and the fluids connected to his arm, “you need to tell him, we’re all scared, but yeonjun– yeonjun hyung is absolutely mortified .” he mutters and he shakes his head, “i’ve never seen him so scared, so– so defeated before as if it’s him that’s losing all his life, and– you being here, like this, it breaks and shatters him . the least you owe him is a good talk and an explanation.”

soobin stares at his friend and swallows the lump that forms in his throat, “okay,” he croaks out, “i’ll– i’ll talk to him.” he promises and kai smiles gratefully before grabbing the apple and knife again, trying to cut it into somewhat decent pieces.

+x+

when the rest of the members come back, soobin notices that yeonjun doesn’t come close to him. he sits at the couch in the far end of the room and folds into himself, trying to make himself smaller.

he doesn’t talk to him either, but he watches him closely, yeonjun watches his every move with glistening eyes as if he’s trying to memorize him, to burn soobin’s living picture into his mind for him to keep when soobin’s gone and he looks very crestfallen while doing it.

soobin notices the way that his friends are joking around more, trying to make him laugh, but yeonjun barely gives a smile and when soobin does laugh, yeonjun chuckles and the sound comes out as wounded and he quickly excuses himself as he tries to subtly wipe his tears away while running out the room. at that moment, one of the members always follows yeonjun to check up on him and make sure he’s alright.

this time, it was kai. when they come back, kai sends him a glare over yeonjun’s shoulder which then morphs into a fake wide smile as he says, “beomgyu hyung, taehyun! i just remembered, there’s something that i saw in the cafeteria this morning that i’m sure you’ll love!” he says loudly as he clasps his hands together.

everyone looks at him in confusion and both yeonjun and soobin’s eyes widen when they realize what he’s actually doing. he turns his head and smiles at them as he’s dragging the other two, “we’ll see you guys in a bit, have fun while we’re away!”

once they’re out of the room, soobin doesn’t know whether he should thank him or punch him for the awkwardness they’re in now.

soobin looks at yeonjun and he frowns in concern when he sees him standing in the middle of the room, a hand rubbing down his other arm as if he doesn’t know what to do with himself. it makes soobin sad, it makes him mad at himself for forcing yeonjun to look so small and scared.

“hyung,” soobin softly calls out and yeonjun jumps in his place as he looks at him. soobin shuffles a bit to the side of his bed and then leans over to pat the now empty space, “come sit here.” he says.

yeonjun stares at him and at the empty space on the bed. he frowns and soobin hates the fact that yeonjun has to think about whether or not he wants to sit there. he never used to hesitate before, they were always glued together, gravitating towards one another whenever there was space.

“please?” he prompts and yeonjun finally sighs as he slowly makes his way over and he sits there facing soobin, but he doesn’t look at him, he looks down at his lap and soobin takes this moment to admire the older man.

from his thick eyebrows, to his small sharp eyes and the gentle slope of his nose. he smiles to himself when he sees the natural pout of his lips, but that smile gradually drops when he realizes how much weight yeonjun had lost. his cheeks sunken as if he’s not eaten in days, bags under his eyes and skin so pale as if he hadn’t slept in days either and soobin wants to cry.

he did this.

he hurt him.

that was the only thing he had never wanted to do.

“hyung, how’ve you been?” he mutters his question.

yeonjun snorts in amusement and finally looks up at him as he raises a brow, “what kind of question is that? you’re the one lying on a hospital bed, not me.”

“i know,” soobin gives him a smile, “but i just feel like we haven’t talked much in a while.”

yeonjun looks away and grumbles, “there’s nothing to talk about anyways.”

“there is. hyung, i–” he sighs and runs a hand through his hair in frustration, “i’m sorry.”

yeonjun’s eyes widen in surprise and he blinks as he looks at him, “what?”

“i want to apologize for hiding this from you… for letting it get that far and for making you worry.”

yeonjun stares at him for a minute, doesn’t say anything as he studies his face, how sick and weak he seems now, and soobin can see the tears forming in his eyes, “why did you refuse to have the surgery?” he finally asks the question that’s been running through his mind but could never voice the instant he saw that petal months ago.

soobin’s eyes widen for a second and his breath gets stuck in his throat. for a moment, he doesn’t know what to say. he opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, thinking over his words before he sighs and finally says, “more than not wanting it… i couldn’t do it. i couldn’t– i couldn’t see myself doing it.”

yeonjun stays silent, a million questions he wants to ask, but doesn’t know which to settle on.

are they important to you?

do they know? that you did this to yourself.

who are they?

and;

“you– you really love them, don’t you?” yeonjun mutters and then sniffles, trying his best not to break down in front of his friend.

soobin smiles at him, so wide and genuine as he says, “to the point where i'd rather choke to death on roses than wake up the next day and not know how it feels to love him anymore.”

yeonjun freezes at the words. a tear falls down his cheek and he doesn’t care to wipe it because he can’t look away from soobin. the words striking his heart with a knife because soobin looks so sure , so convinced with his answer it hurts, “o-oh…”

and it dawns on soobin, that kai was right. yeonjun has absolutely no idea that the man soobin is hopelessly in love with is none other than him. he sees it in the way his tears keep falling, the way his lower lip is trembling and somehow the face of him crying so helplessly makes soobin fall a bit harder for me.

“yeonjunnie,” he whispers as he brings a hand to caress yeonjun’s cheek, gently wiping away a stray tear with his thumb, “my sweet yeonjun, why are you crying?”

yeonjun shakes his head and whines as he clutches the front of his shirt, “because it hurts. soobinnie–” he sniffles as he looks at his friend with a blurred vision, “it really hurts.”

“come here,” he mutters as he wraps his arms around yeonjun’s waist and brings him in for a tight hug. he squeezes him and pulls him in so close because he wants to feel him, to feel all of him, “yeonjun-ah,” he nuzzles his nose into the older’s hair and takes a deep breath, “how come you’ve never noticed?”

but yeonjun doesn’t answer, he just sobs and buries his face into the warm skin of soobin’s neck as much as physically possible.

soobin smiles because even though he hadn’t said anything, everything feels alright now, actually alright. he runs a hand up and down yeonjun’s back to calm him down, “yeonjun.” he says and his smile widens to a grin when he hears the older man whine, “you know how hard it is for me to say things, you’ve always been the one better at words out of the two of us.”

yeonjun’s sobs calm down after a couple of minutes, the only sounds coming out of him are gasps and hiccups every now and then.

soobin sighs, “hyung,” he says as he tries to pull yeonjun away just a bit to look him in the face, but yeonjun whines louder and fights against him to keep himself buried within soobin’s arms, “hyung, come on. look at me. i just– i need to look at your face while i say this. please.”

he feels yeonjun sag, but doesn’t pull him away this time, instead he gives him the time he needs to collect himself. yeonjun slightly leans back, but doesn’t let go of his hold on soobin’s hospital gown.

the taller man giggles and the sad look on his friend’s face turns into a glare directed at him, “what?” he grumbles.

soobin shakes his head, “nothing,” he gently cups yeonjun’s face with his hands and smiles, “i just love looking at you.”

yeonjun’s eyes widen as he bites down on his lip to hide his shy smile and soobin’s sure that if his face wasn’t already red from crying, it’d be red because he’d be blushing, “shut up.” he mutters fondly.

the smile on soobin’s face drops and his gaze softens. yeonjun gives him a questioning look as he gently caresses yeonjun’s cheeks with his thumbs, “hyung, i need to tell you something.”

yeonjun tilts his head and one of his hands moves from gripping the front of soobin’s hospital gown to rest on his neck, gently playing with the hair at his nape.

“i already told you that i’m not good with words… it was very hard for me to say, though it was so easy to just show, i just don’t know how you’ve never realized. yeonjun, from the moment i laid my eyes on you… everything, every instance has been about you for me. you don’t just matter, you are everything, ” soobin bumps their foreheads together and lets out a wet laugh, “this might seem a little bit late, but yeonjunnie… i love you.”

yeonjun’s eyes widen, he feels his breath get stuck in his throat and his lips tremble in an effort to talk but nothing comes out except a wounded noise. tears start falling down his cheeks again as he brings his other hand to hold soobin’s face.

“oh…” soobin frowns and he tries to wipe the tears away, “don’t cry. yeonjun-ah, don’t cry. why are you crying?”

yeonjun shakes his head, “a-again.” he gasps, “pl– please.”

“what?”

“s–say it again.”

soobin blinks and playfully bumps their heads together, “i love you?”

yeonjun makes a sound of confirmation and nods his head.

“i love you.” soobin repeats. he grins and nuzzles his nose against yeonjun’s, “i love you.”

“again.”

“i love you.” he presses a kiss to a wet cheek, “i love you.” he repeats before placing a kiss on his forehead, “i love you.” he kisses his temple then, “i love you, yeonjun. and i’ll say it, over and over again and as much as you need me to.”

yeonjun sniffles and looks at soobin through his lashes, “will you say it everyday?”

“everyday.” he answers with another kiss to the forehead.

“early in the morning when we wake up?”

“early in the morning when we wake up.”

“before lunch?”

“before lunch.”

“and after dinner?”

“yup.”

“and before we go to bed at night?”

“and before we go to bed,” soobin presses a longer kiss to his forehead and takes a second to breathe in deeply, taking in the warmth of yeonjun’s scent, “ every night.”

“and–” yeonjun pulls away to look at him and soobin swears that yeonjun had never looked as pretty as he looks in his arms. he looks absolutely ethereal with his wet lashes, his pink cheeks that have dry marks of tears, his red nose and his plump lips. his eyes shine as if they’re trying to put soobin under their spell and it’s working as soobin feels himself being absorbed into the alluring way yeonjun’s lashes flutter.

utterly beautiful .

“– can i kiss you?” he shyly asks.

soobin doesn’t answer, he gently pulls him in and their lips carefully meet. it feels like a feather touch, so soft and tender. there is no rush, no tongue, just lips slightly parting to breathe in what the other exhales.

and for the first time in the past couple of years, soobin feels free. doesn’t feel the roots in his lungs suffocating him; he feels like he can breathe without being attached to the oxygen because being with yeonjun like this is more than enough, it’s as if his presence this close to him clears out all that is in soobin’s lungs and he can breathe.

soobin can breathe.

and for the next thirty minutes, they don’t let go of each other, their lips are almost always touching and if not then it’s yeonjun’s hands wrapped around soobin’s neck with his face buried in his shoulder unable to let go. just the thought of this being a dream courses waves of anxiety through yeonjun’s veins and he feels himself bringing soobin in for another kiss.

and another. and another.

until it feels like yeonjun’s losing all his breath, but it’s okay because soobin’s the one taking it.

a while later, when they’re lying next to each other, not minding that the bed is a bit of a tight fit for two big men because all that matters is that they’re in each other’s arms, yeonjun slightly pulls his head away from its place on soobin’s shoulder and he smiles. he smiles so big his eyes crinkle and his nose scrunches up and soobin realizes it’s one of his favorite smiles, “i love you too, choi soobin.”

ah , that’s why.

this is no surprise.

happiness is still the best thing on yeonjun, it looks the finest when worn by him.

soobin smiles back. he feels so light as if he’d start floating any second now if he doesn’t hold onto anything. so he does. he wraps his arms tighter around yeonjun and throws his head back in a joyful laugh, “i love you, my everything.”

“shut up ,” yeonjun whines with a giggle, “i’m the sappy one out of the two of us, i should be the one saying these things.”

soobin hums and buries his face in yeonjun’s neck, “just let me have this for now.” he mutters.

yeonjun lightly shudders when he feels soobin’s wet lips move against his skin. he doesn’t say anything, just plays with his lover’s soft hair for a while, enjoying the comfortable silence between them.

soobin’s eyes feel heavy and he’s slowly falling to sleep before yeonjun speaks up, and the question was asked in a hesitant whisper so low, soobin would’ve missed it if he wasn’t so wrapped around the older man both literally and configuratively.

“why didn’t you tell me?”

and soobin holds his breath because for a second he’s not sure what to answer. now that he thinks about it, he no longer knows why he did this, all the reasons he thinks of are so stupid now that he found out that yeonjun had felt the same all these years. he slowly breathes out, his head resting on yeonjun’s shoulder as he looks at their intertwined hands, “i had loved you for so long, hyung.”

“soobin-ah–”

“i loved you for so long that i just didn’t know what not loving you actually feels like. it became second nature to me, like breathing. and as stupid as this sounds now, i wasn’t sure how you felt about me.”

yeonjun frowns and gently squeezes soobin’s hand, “you could’ve still said something…” he mutters.

soobin lightly shakes his head, “no, i couldn’t. i didn’t want to make you feel bad, i didn’t want you to blame yourself for me falling sick in case you hadn’t felt the same. i was torn–” he pulls yeonjun’s hand, the one in his, and presses a small peck to the back of it, “– do i tell him? if he loves me back, good for me, but what if i tell him and he doesn’t? would he worry? would he blame himself? would he feel guilty and try to force himself to have feelings for me? feelings that wouldn’t have felt genuine, feelings he might’ve wanted to save for someone else. i just– i didn’t want you to feel distraught, hyung.” soobin raises his head and looks at yeonjun who’s now looking back at him and gives him a small smile, “i always want to see you happy, yeonjun-ah.” he mutters.

“you’re an idiot,” yeonjun croaks out against the lump in his throat, “you know i’m always happy when i’m with you. nothing would ever change that.”

soobin chuckles and presses a kiss to yeonjun’s forehead, “i know, i’m sorry.”

“well,” yeonjun bites his lower lip as he looks up at the younger man through his lashes, “what– what made you change your mind?”

“well… i’m literally dying–” soobin starts but is cut off by yeonjun who’s now glaring at him.

“no, stop it–”

soobin sighs, “hyung, you know it’s true–”

“no, it’s not. i’d kill you if you died on me.”

soobin has the nerve to throw his head back in laughter and yeonjun’s glare hardens, “hyung, come on. you know that’s not how it works.”

yeonjun looks away with a frown, “whatever.” he grumbles.

soobin gives him a fond smile, so fond, he’s so fond , “anyways, i have nothing to lose. because for me, dying would hurt less than you rejecting me… so i just went for it.”

“i’d never –” yeonjun shakes his head as he lets go of soobin’s hands to tenderly cup his face instead, “i’d never reject you soobin-ah. you’re literally the love of my life, the stars to my sky, the moon to my night, the air to my lungs, the light that–”

“ okay ,” soobin yells, cutting him off as a blush makes its way to his face, “okay, i get it!”

yeonjun smirks and leans in a bit, his eyes fixed on soobin’s puckered lips, “do you?”

“i do!”

yeonjun gives him a quick peck on the lips and smiles, “okay.”

soobin smiles back, but then his lips twitch and he turns his face to the side as he coughs into his elbow and yeonjun’s smile quickly drops into a look of horror, “s-soobin-ah! shit, wait, i’ll– i’ll go call someone–”

soobin grabs his arm before he gets to go anywhere and shakes his head as his coughing ceases after a petal escapes his mouth.

“s-soobin, let go, oh god, please,” he begs as his body trembles in fear for his lover and his eyes fall onto the lonesome red petal sitting there on soobin’s lap, “ please ,” he utters as he holds back his tears.

“hyung,” soobin speaks as he sniffles, “calm down, i’m fine–”

“you’re not fine! ” yeonjun’s breathing quickens as he continues to stare at the petal.

“it’s only a petal, hyung.” soobin says with a comforting smile, “come here,” he pulls on yeonjun’s wrist to bring him down on the bed next to him again.

“y-you…” yeonjun finally looks at soobin and the younger man notices how shaken up his boyfriend looks.

“i promise, i feel fine.” he exclaims as he tugs yeonjun into his arms, coaxing him to calm down, “let’s just stay like this for a bit longer.” soobin mumbles as he hugs yeonjun close and yeonjun finally goes without a fight.

the sound of soobin’s beating heart against his ear appeasing him for the next while.

+x+

a couple of hours later, the younger members walk into soobin’s hospital room and they let out loud cheers and claps as they see the older two cuddling on the bed.

“ fucking finally!” beomgyu cheers as taehyun, with a poker face, rapidly claps behind him for effect.

“so,” kai raises a brow, “can i take it that you two confessed and are finally together?”

yeonjun grins and pinches soobin’s cheeks, “yes!” he says and soobin stares at him with an adoring gaze.

“honestly,” taehyun scoffs, “if you guys hadn’t spoken to each other now i was planning on just saying everything with everyone in the room.” he exclaims as he crosses his arms.

“well, good thing you didn’t have to because things worked out well.” soobin replies and yeonjun squishes his cheeks before he leaves a kiss on his puckered lips and soobin melts. he kisses him back on the nose and yeonjun giggles as he scrunches it, “perfect, even.” he mutters.

beomgyu scrunches his nose for a completely different reason as he stares at his friends, “well, that’s disgusting.”

“disgustingly cute.” yeonjun corrects him as he looks back at him with a raised brow as if daring him to disagree.

taehyun smiles at his friends, happy that things are working out before his eyes land on a red petal on the bedside table, “what’s that?” he asks and everyone’s expressions turn serious.

soobin sighs as he feels what’s coming, “i’m fine.” he says for what might be the millionth time that day.

“but hyung–”

“it’s just a petal, okay?” he states as if that’s the most normal thing ever.

“wait…” taehyun raises his brows, “just a petal?”

“uh-huh,” soobin nods.

“and not… not a bloomed rose?”

soobin shakes his head, “nope.”

“you–”

“exactly.” soobin grins, “it’s been a while since i’ve only coughed a petal.”

and everyone’s eyes widen in realization.

perhaps, things are really going to be okay.

(they end up telling the nurse who informs the doctor of the petal, so the next morning, the first thing the doctor requests is a ct chest for soobin. 

a couple of hours later after that’s done, everyone’s sitting in the room as the doctor explains the results, “honestly? there’s barely any difference from the scan we did when you first came in,” she tells soobin.

yeonjun’s sitting on the chair next to him tightly holding his hand. not only to comfort soobin, but also to ground himself.

“however, that doesn’t mean you won’t get better. you said that your breathing has felt better, and your oxygen levels show some improvement without having the oxygen on, you’d obviously start getting better now, but i’m telling you that it will take some time especially since you’ve reached the end stages of hanahaki. nonetheless, things are looking alright for now, so we’ll keep you here for a couple of days just to monitor how this progresses, then we’ll discharge you with some medications to help and of course with follow up appointments.” she finishes.

“so?” yeonjun swallows and waits with a bated breath, “are you saying that he…?”

doctor han smiles at him, wide and happy as she says, “he will be alright, yeonjun-ssi.”

and for the first time in a while, the tears that yeonjun bursts into are tears of happiness and relief.)

+x+

after getting discharged from the hospital, soobin was told to rest a bit at home while the rest of the members were slowly pulled to work. yeonjun was always the most anxious to leave soobin by himself, the younger would just laugh as he pushed him out the door and telling him not to worry and that he promises to call in case anything happens.

the company set a plan together with the doctor, trying to see when’s the best time for soobin to get back to work and a couple of weeks later, soobin started attending meetings again and gradually started getting back into singing and dance practice, though dancing was always the hardest as he still finds himself losing breath midway through which made yeonjun do the same thing everytime.

he’d stop the music and sit soobin to the side as he gave him a drink of water, hovering over him with soobin’s inhaler clenched tightly in his white fist in case the younger man needed it.

and a couple of months later, at soobin’s monthly follow up appointment, doctor han watched with a gentle expression as yeonjun fussed over soobin and held his hand, his tall frame visibly trying to hide the anxiousness and fear still planted in him.

soobin would only smile at him and would squeeze his hand, promising that things are okay, but yeonjun would ignore him, would turn to stare at doctor han with a raised brow as if asking, ‘ is that true?’

and doctor han would laugh before saying the same thing she always does, “soobin’s doing better than before. the roots in his lungs are now very small, this is usually seen at the very first stages of the disease, which means he’s doing immensely well compared to all other appointments.”

only then would yeonjun visibly relax as he lets out a breath of relief. soobin would turn to look at him with a smirk as if saying, i told you so.

doctor han would watch them from the sidelines with a smile at how natural they act with each other. as if that’s how they’ve always been, and maybe they have. it just took them a while to figure it out, but she’s glad that they eventually did.

+x+

“ugh,” beomgyu groans in annoyance as he stares in disgust at the two large figures too busy snuggling on the couch 5 feet away from where he’s standing at the entry of the living area, “they’ve got their own bedrooms in which they can take this to.”

“oh, just let them be,” taehyun says as crosses his arms and then bumps his shoulder playfully against beomgyu’s, “they’re just glad.”

kai hums from where he’s leaning against the wall, “yeah, today was soobin’s last follow up appointment with doctor han and he’s finally hanahaki free!” he declares as he throws jazz hands in the air.

beomgyu snorts and looks back at the couple that didn’t even notice they’re there as they were stuck in their own bubble. he lets out a sigh of defeat as he fondly looks at his friends, “i guess you’re right,” he mutters, “at least they’re happy.”

yeonjun’s cheeks are hurting from how big his smile is, but no matter how much he tried, he just couldn’t drop it. being next to soobin like this, knowing that everything is finally actually okay, just makes him so ecstatic. fingers splayed across soobin’s cheek, he nuzzles his nose against the younger’s then presses a gentle kiss on his lips once.

he pulls away slightly and hums before going in for a second one, “i love you so much,” he mutters against soobin’s lips and soobin grins so wide that yeonjun’s lips fall on his teeth now.

he is so in love with the being in his lap.

soobin’s arms tighten around his boyfriend’s waist and pulls him closer, as close as physically possible and he can feel his warmth seeping into him through the thin materials of their shirts, “i love you, too.” he says before capturing yeonjun’s lips in another kiss. this one even longer than the previous.

and he feels okay, he feels healed. yeonjun healed him because that's what he does.

yeonjun heals him with his smile and his whole presence.

taehyun hums and grins, “yeah. they’re happy.”