Work Text:
Business Monkey
A subversive theatrical performance
Act 1: New years
Four figures lie dead on the floor of an empty room under a dim light. One of them is clearly a chimpanzee.
Popular late night TV host Jimmy Fallon walks into the room.
Jimmy begins fucking the chimpanzees lifeless body
(Jimmy): To understand what you see, we'll have to go back to where it all began.
The camera pans up, and pans back down again to a generic office building. It’s December 2021. The office is having their new years eve party. There are 3 employees. All of them look as if they’ve had at least 5 drinks.
(Adam to Steve): Word around the office is you’ve got a fat cock.
(Steve to Adam): Yes… I do.
(Adam to Steve): I’ve got a fat cock too. Maybe we should rub our fat cocks together sometime. Maybe a little oil.
Enter Derek. Derek is very obviously a chimpanzee. The others don’t seem to notice this.:
(Derek): AAEAEAEUOOOAOOHOOAAEEUAOO (Hey guys! Some party, huh?)
Applause.
(Adam to Derek): Heeey, it’s Derek. Derek, mate, we were just talking about our cocks. You got a fat cock?
(Derek): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAO (Yeah I got a fat cock!)
(Adam to everyone): Look guys, it sounds crazy, but I got some dolphin gel with me here. You guys wanna?
Derek is frozen in fear. He knows that monkeys die from applying dolphin gel, as was proven by a scientific study.
(John to everyone): Maybe later guys. I want to save this moment for when our company really goes to the moon.
Steve is very drunk, and collapses unconscious. This is a very common occurrence, and should not be noted as significant.
The atmosphere of the room dies down. The employees make small talk before they all decide to retreat to other, much better parties.
(Adam to Steve): So Steve, I heard you got a new Tesla Model L the other day. Very cool.
Steve is still unconscious.
(Adam to Steve): Reckon you’ll give me a ride in her one day
Steve is still unconscious.
Scene cuts to John and Derek. Everyone else has left by now. Steve has presumably been dragged off elsewhere.
(John to Derek): Derek, I have something to admit. It’s a bit embarrassing but I don’t think I can talk about it to anyone else. I just feel like I can trust you.
(Derek to John): OOOOEOOEOIAAAAUU (yeah, what’s up my guy!)
(John to Derek): I don’t know how to
John takes a deep breath
(John to Derek): Look, Derek.
John falters. Derek makes encouraging noises.
(John to Derek): I don’t have a fat cock. I’m serious Derek. My cock. It isn’t fat.
John pauses.
(John to Derek): And you. And you Derek, you have a fat cock, right?
Derek nods enthusiastically, and flings his own shit.
(John to Derek): Derek I need help. I don’t know how I’ll manage here without a fat cock. This is power business, big business, you know. I can’t make it without a fat cock. Derek, please.
Derek knows what to do. He rips his cock off and gives it to John. There’s blood everywhere.
(John to Derek): Thank you. You have my most sincere gratitude.
John superglues Derek’s cock onto his own. That night, John’s wife said his cock felt nothing like any of the other men she was currently sleeping with.
ACT 2:
Close up of Derek’s pubic region. Something buds out. It grows longer, fatter. You hear Derek scream. You hear him howl. The bud continues to grow outwards. You see the shaft extend proudly, the scrotum unfurls, the testes descend. Derek continues to howl. The penis grows, wider and fatter.
Derek’s penis is back.
Scene cuts to Adam’s house. He is applying a Dick Fattening lotion to his penis. It glistens in the yellowish light of his bathroom. He takes out a ruler, and measures the width of his penis. He jots it down in a notebook stored in his cabinet.
Date Time Penis Width (inches)
30/12/2021 11:23 pm 6
31/12/2021 7:06 am 7
1/1/2022 2:31 am 5
Morning now.
Adam wakes up. He reaches for the ruler on his bedside table, and measures the width of his cock.
Date Time Penis Width (inches)
31/1/2022 6:54am 4
He lurches to his bathroom, hand outstretched, grasping at the Dick Fattening lotion.
We proceed to follow his morning in utter silence.
He throws up a bit, blinks blankly at his reflection and brushes his teeth. He spreads a meager lump of lightly salted, low fat butter over the whitest bread possible. He only drinks A2 milk, skim milk, none of that effeminate soy shit. He is ready for work.
The scene switches to Adam at the office. He is hyping up his team, getting ready for a successful year ahead.
(Adam to group): And remember, this is a revolutionary idea. We will provide the world a means of true freedom. Remember, we are the stormtroopers, the first to push forth this concept. What we have is a true method with which every man can be his own bank, his own investor, his own man. We will be seizing power from the bankers, the central bank, and we will grant it to the masses. And remember this: we all have the fattest cocks.
We later cut to Adam hosting a webinar.
(Adam in webinar): So I’ve got a fat cock. Amazingly fat. Huge, girthy. You know, my friends, they have fat cocks. Just the other day, I was talking to my good pal Steve, fantastic guy, he’s got a fat cock. Great cock. The best. And I was speaking to John as well - there’s John over there - fat cock as well. But look, it wasn’t always like this. I didn’t always have this cock. Hell, for the first thirty years of my life, I was pissing it away. But that all changed when I learned about bitcoin. I’ll tell you what, I was just like you. But bitcoin, cryptocurrency, it gave me an opportunity and I seized it. And that’s why I’m here today. I want to share with you all the ways by which I got this fat cock. You all deserve to have fat cocks. Because we here at monkecoin believe that everyone, no matter who they are, no matter their age, every man should be in control of his finances. We are building a future here. The world may not realise it yet, but what we have here is just the beginning of a financial revolution. Decentralised banking. Decentralized currency. All on a blockchain, a ledger that will ensure you, we, take back the power from the central bank.
I know that some of you are feeling the pinch right now. I know that it’s difficult, waking up, not knowing if you have enough to pay rent, not feeling safe or secure in the future for you or for your children. We want to return power to you, to us all.
Look at what we have built. As a community, we have created the future of finances - and not only that - the future of the internet, of governance, of healthcare, of all your needs. We are at the forefront of this technological revolution, and the future will be ours.
I mentioned earlier that my friends, we have fat cocks. But we all will have fat cocks. We are all going to make it. We are all going to have fat cocks.
The webinar went on and on. They talked about the fatness of their cocks, they talked about how much they loved the fatness of their cocks, they talked about how you too can get a fat cock, how you, the common man, can take back control of your cock from the banks, how getting a fat cock will be accessible to all, they talked about how the people who weren’t into fat cocks, well, they’re slow, they’re behind, that everyone will be talking about fat cocks in 5, in 10 years time.
A hard day’s work, doubtless.
Adam took a ride home in Steve’s second Tesla Model LL. Steve didn’t mind - he was busy being unconscious, having downed 3 beers at 9 am.
25 minutes into his hour-long commute home, Steve’s Tesla Model LL prompted him that he was exactly 30 days late to pay his car loan, and that the Tesla would drive itself back to the dealership.
(Adam to Steve): Shit! Steve, wake up! Your Tesla is driving itself back to the dealership!
(Steve): Suht hte fcku up *vomits* *shits* *cums*
The Tesla locked its doors, disabled all controls, and made a u-turn. The nearest Tesla dealership was 6 hour away. Adam could not stop the car, open the door, roll down the windows, or even turn on the air conditioning. He was trapped.
(Adam to Steve): Wake up! Wake up already!
(Steve, barely coherent): Leave me alone.
Adam then accepted the fact that he would have to sit in the car for 6 hours until it got back to the dealership.
The tesla stopped and recharged itself a few times on the journey.
Adam fell into an uneasy slumber, spurred on by the dwindling amount of oxygen left in the car.
He dreamt.
A Tesla, it must’ve been one of the newer models, roared at him. It reared its front grill, speakers blaring out some pantomime of Nikola Tesla’s pigeon induced death ecstasies.
A Tesla, it must’ve been one of the older models, shuddered to a halt, battery fluids leaking out. Its front lights flickered, it begged and weeped. It rolled towards him softly, windows creeping up and down, windscreen wipers struggling against their own weight. It did not want to die.
A Tesla strolled up to him. It looked him in the eye.
He ran.
He tried running. He couldn’t hear the tesla, its electric motor silently propelling it along, but he knew it was chasing after him. Metal limbs must’ve been flailing, egged on by the ceaseless spinning of that electric motor.
He ran.
He saw some building in the distance, he threw himself at it.
The tesla slinked away.
He saw his cock fatness tables. He saw the morning peaks, and the midnight troughs, and he saw his cock shrinking. He whimpered.
And before him lay rows upon rows of Dick Fattening Lotion. He reached out to grab one. And as his fingers grazed the lotion, Derek tumbled out.
(Dream Derek to Adam): AUEOIOEIOI
(Adam to Dream Derek): What? What are you doing here? What are you even saying? Were you-were you always some kind of ape?
(Dream Derek to Adam): AEAEEEEEEEEEEE
(Adam to Dream Derek): Get the fuck out of the way Derek. I need this. I need the Dick Fattening Lotion.
(Dream Derek to Adam): OOOOOOOOOIO
(Adam to Dream Derek): Shut the fuck up, monkey. I need the lotion. I need it. My cock needs it.
Derek takes a step towards Adam. Adam stares into Derek’s eyes.
Derek rips Adam’s cock off. Adam feels nothing.
Derek reaches for his own penis. With a twist of his wrist, he wrenches it free. He presses it into Adam’s vacant nether region.
Date Time Penis Width (inches)
31/1/2022 5:46 pm 23
Act 3:
Steve finally wakes up, having been driven back to his home. He is currently slouched in his Tesla, struggling to get up. He gets out of his car and admires his fleet of mostly untouched Teslas.
He strolls up to his Tesla Model XXL.
He begins to stroke its side mirror, hand fondling the curves of the mirror.
He lies down on its bonnet, face planted firmly into its solid chassis.
He continues to fondle its side mirror, fingers twitching as he touches the cold, stiff metal.
He whispers sweet nothings to it.
He grasps the side mirror, rubbing his face up and down that reflective surface, his breath forming a fog on it.
He’s approaching his climax, shakily reaching to unclasp his belt.
A figure distends itself from the mirror, pushing him onto the ground.
He gazes up, bleary eyed, panting with excitement.
(Steve to Car Derek): E-elon?
Derek unfolds out of the mirror. He clasps Steve’s shoulder firmly with one hand, reaching for his nether regions with another.
He tears off his cock. He tears off Steve’s, throwing it into the mirror. He transplants his cock onto Steve.
Act 4:
Adam awoke in a cold sweat on the floor of a Tesla dealership. His cock was throbbing. He checked his cock to be sure it was still the one he had yesterday. It wasn’t. It was Derek’s.
He stumbled backward in terror. Where was he? Where was the car? Where was Steve? How was it possible that a dream apparition in the shape of Derek had manifested itself in the real world? Was Derek always a monkey? Now that he thought about it more and more, he remembered that Derek did not seem interested when the dolphin cum that had been suggested at the party.
(Adam): No. No, it isn’t possible. It can’t be.
He stumbled out of the dealership and into the streets. He was immediately arrested by law enforcement for public indecency.
He bribed the officer with dick fattening lotion and was released. Splendid.
Adam took the next crypto cyber Tesla bus home. He paid for the ride with 0.0004 etherium. Miraculously, there was a direct nonstop route directly to his city.
The next day, Adam entered the office. He immediately called for a meeting.
(Adam): Alright schmucks this is how it’s gonna go down.
He began to explain his elaborate plan to mint NFTs. They would take thousands of pictures of Derek wearing different articles of clothing, and sell them for thousands of dollars on the blockchain.
(Steve, uncharacteristically sober): Why Derek?
(Derek): AAAAAAEAAAIAAIIIA (Yeah, what is all this?)
(Adam): Just trust me.
They began taking photos. They began minting NFTs. Thousands of them.
(John): Alright, I think we have enough NFTs for now.
Days pass. Not a single NFT sells. Adam becomes more and more frustrated.
(Adam to John): Why haven’t any of our NFTs sold?
(John to Adam): Well, I guess people just aren’t up to speed yet. They don’t understand our vision.
(Adam to John): Well, MAKE them understand! And make it sound ENTICING.
(John to Adam): Adam, are you suggesting I lie? That we should be scammers?
(Adam to John): John I trust you to do this. It’s up to you.
John began writing down everything that would make NFTs sound exciting. They would become the world’s best new currency. They would be the next big thing in a few years. Their value would increase tremendously, and if you buy an NFT now, you’ll be a millionaire. They could be used to transfer skins between video games, and so many other things.
But most of all, John hired iconic late night TV host Jimmy Fallon to advertise. This would surely attract the younger and older crowds alike.
It worked. NFTs were flying off the blockchain. Selling like hotcakes. The company quickly became one of the fastest growing enterprises on earth.
They decided to celebrate with a party.
Act 5:
The room was empty. Steve was left in charge of decorating - and as per usual, he was off drunk somewhere. Jimmy Fallon was late.
(Adam to group): So, we doing this?
The group nods in assent. Adam reaches into his back pocket, and pulls out a tube of dolphin gel. Derek stares at it in fear.
They huddle together.
Adam takes off his belt and pulls out his cock.
John examines the contours carefully.
(John to group): Whoa. Very nice.
(Steve to group): That’s very cool, Adam. But that’s nothing.
Steve whips out his cock. It is identical to Adam’s.
(Adam to group): Impressive. Very nice. Let’s see John’s cock.
John pulls out his penis. It is identical to Adam’s and Steve’s.
They huddle closer together. John pulls Derek into the circle. They all have Derek’s cock.
They begin to stroke them together.
Adam applies the dolphin gel. Derek is visibly afraid.
They all groan in ecstasy.
Derek has a seizure, grasping at the left side of his chest. He collapses to the floor, dead.
The trio start laughing at his corpse, before they too collapse.
Jimmy Fallon enters the room. And fucks Derek’s corpse.
Fín.