Work Text:
When Haechan suggests Mark and Renjun as the next Awsaz couple at the end of Jisung and Winwin’s episode, it’s a very funny joke. Very funny because no one is able to recall a single time they’ve seen Renjun and Mark hanging out alone, or even talking to each other when they’re with a group. Hendery questions if they even know each other, because he’s never heard Renjun say Mark’s name. It’s actually amazing they haven’t been forced through this sick psychological experiment for the viewing pleasure of millions of people yet.
So, it’s funny. Mark laughs when the filming is added to his schedule. But then he’s being mic'd up, and he can’t stop looking in the mirror to make sure he looks okay, and he can’t find anyone that has a breath mint, and it’s not so funny anymore.
“Jisung, please don’t make me do anything weird,” Mark begs.
Jisung’s eyes widen. “Do you think I want to be doing this? He’s scary.”
“You don’t have to sit across from him,” Mark whisper-yells.
“Everyone ready?” The producer asks.
Jisung pats Mark on the back. “I’ll just do what Haechan did in my episode.”
“No, Jisung! Do not do anything Haechan did!”
Jisung gives Mark a thumbs up, and disappears into the other room.
Mark groans, and looks up to the sky. God, please. Please, don’t let me embarrass myself. Mark never gets this scared filming stupid YouTube content. He never gets this scared ever.
Just be normal, bro. Just be chill. Please.
“Okay, go ahead and enter, Mark,” The director cues him.
Mark nods, and walks onto the set that’s made to look like a Parisian cafe. Renjun is sitting at a small table, wearing a beret and drinking a fake cappuccino. With pink hair sticking out from his hat, and glasses slipping to the end of his nose, he really doesn’t look that intimidating. He looks like a fairy. Maybe this will be okay. Maybe Mark can get through this.
Mark clears his throat.
Renjun looks up from where he’s sitting. “Bonjour?” He asks in a terrible French accent, his eyebrows knitting.
Mark is totally thrown off by Renjun’s skit, but luckily Jisung chimes in, “Tell him you saw him sitting over here alone, and wanted to introduce yourself.”
Maybe not so luckily.
Mark pushes his hair back. “Bonjour. I saw you were, like, sitting around here without anyone, and I was, like, dang, maybe I should, like, sit with him or talk to him.”
“Why are you speaking English?” Renjun asks in a small voice.
“Oh, was I? Am I? I am, oh, yeah,” Mark cannot stop, “I mean, we are in Paris, so like, I don’t know if you speak English, or French, or Korean, or-”
Renjun says something in Mandarin that Mark gets about half of. Something like, This is going to be very difficult if we literally can’t speak the same language.
Mark is thinking about calling for a restart, but then Renjun laughs, and all the energy in the room shifts. Okay. Okay. Maybe this is funny. Maybe this isn’t totally painful to watch. Or maybe it is, and that’s why it’s funny.
“So, you come here often?” Mark asks in Korean, finally. He sits down, trying to look cool, but he has to cross and uncross his legs about five times to find the right pose.
Renjun looks pensively out the window. “Yeah. I come here to paint or think or meet weird guys.”
“Mark,” Jisung says into his ear. “Tell him he looks nice.”
“No,” Mark responds verbally.
“What?” Renjun says.
Mark cringes. “You look nice.”
“Thank you, so do you.”
Mark wishes he knew what was Sicheng, and what was Renjun. “Um, should we ask one of these little questions?” Mark asks, pointing to the mason jar of prompts on the table.
“Sure,” Renjun responds.
Mark chooses a question. He reads, and groans.
“What?” Renjun asks.
“‘Read the last messages you two sent each other.’”
Renjun cackles, leaning back in his chair. “This is unfortunate.”
“We’ve never messaged,” Mark admits.
“Why is that?” Renjun asks suddenly.
Jisung decides to answer for him, “Say it’s because you’re intimidated by him.”
Mark wonders if Jisung understands that the point of the game is to make up ridiculous answers, not tell the truth.
“Honestly,” Mark tries to sound like he’s joking, instead of sincere. “I’m intimidated by you.”
Renjun’s eyebrows raise, and he points to himself. “Me?”
“Yeah.”
Mark watches as Renjun listens to something in his ear, and he cringes. He brings his fist to his mouth, and painfully says, “Would it help if I did aegyo?”
“Please don’t,” Mark says at the same time Jisung says, “Yes.”
Mark sighs. “Yes. That would help.”
Renjun closes his eyes in defeat. “Winwin!” He shouts in frustration to his bandmate. And then he pouts his lips, presses a finger to them and says, “Kyuuu.”
Mark covers his mouth. “Oh man.”
Renjun puts his head into the table. Mark laughs. He didn’t realize before that Renjun is cute. He’s used to seeing him in WayV videos, wearing tight clothes and giving the camera sultry expressions. This guy is not that guy. He’s, like, a cat. What? No. He’s, like, just a dude. Cat? What?
“Your turn!” Renjun beams.
Mark shakes his head.
“Do it back,” Jisung demands.
Mark rolls his eyes. “Kyu. Ugh. Next question.”
Renjun picks one out. “‘When did we first meet?’”
Mark’s eyes widen. He tries to think back. When did Renjun even come to SM? It was before the rest of the WayV members, wasn’t it?
“Oh, you don’t remember,” Renjun pouts.
“You do?”
“Of course I do,” Renjun says. “Who could forget that?”
Mark’s eyebrows raise. “Did I do something embarrassing? I did, didn’t I?”
“Well, now I can’t tell you.”
“Winwin, make him tell me!”
Renjun smirks. “I’m just kidding. It was very unremarkable. We just said hi in the hallway.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t remember.”
“I don’t expect you to.” Renjun laughs.
Jisung says, “Ask him if that’s why it’s awkward with you.”
“Oh, God,” Mark mumbles. He looks up at Renjun. “Is that why it’s awkward with us?”
“Is it even awkward with us?” Renjun asks. “We don’t really have a chance to be awkward. I feel like you just avoid me.”
Mark’s stomach flips in response to Renjun’s honesty. “Um, I, um- No!”
Renjun tilts his head, and looks up at Mark with sparkling eyes. “Why do you ignore me, hyung?”
Mark knows he blushes immediately, and he opens and closes his mouth, and no sound is coming out, and he wipes his palms against his jeans, and Jesus, was this guy always this fucking cute-
“Mark!” Jisung shouts in his ear. “Please get a hold of yourself! This is embarrassing. Tell him you’re sorry.”
“Sor-” Mark’s voice cracks. He coughs, lowers his tone, and says, “Sorry.” He can only pray that it's edited out, but it won’t be. And, worse, it can’t be edited out from Renjun’s mind. “Sorry, I never meant to ignore you, there was just never a time when you and I were together, you know.”
“I know,” Renjun responds, with an understanding nod. “Just don’t do it anymore. Let’s be friends.”
On camera, Mark shakes Renjun’s hand over the table, promising to try to be friendly with him.
“Sorry, my palms are sweaty,” He says. “They’re always like that.”
They are not always like that.
Jisung laughs at him in the changing room. “That was more awkward than any episode I’ve ever done, and I famously have no social skills.”
“Ohmygod,” Mark says, his head in his hands. “Is he always like that?”
“Like what?”
Mark whines. “You know!”
“No.”
“Like, cute. Flirty. Devastatingly charming and funny.” Mark cannot believe he just said all of that outloud. This is bad. Oh, this is gonna be so bad.
Jisung looks at him like he just grew a third head. “Yes, that’s like, what he’s known for.”
“Wow, I just thought he was kind of quiet and mean and hot,” Mark admits.
“He’s that, too,” Jisung replies. “That’s why everyone is in love with him.”
Renjun is waiting with Sicheng for the car to take them back to the WayV dorm. Mark decides it’s a good time to have their first off camera conversation. He just has to be himself. But cool. But not like he’s trying to be cool.
“Hey,” He says, leaning one arm against the wall next to Renjun, who turns to look at him.
“Hey?” Renjun responds, taking out an AirPod.
“Uhhhh.” Mark didn’t really plan what to say next. “So, should we, like, actually meet for a meal sometime?”
Renjun squints at him. He’s replaced the beret with a black beanie, and he’s wearing a mask, so Mark can hardly tell what kind of expression he’s making, but his eyes look a lot less… shining now.
“We don’t have to pretend to be friends,” Renjun says. He’s so cold suddenly, Mark feels a little shiver go down his spine. “You’ve had no interest in being my friend for four years, so there’s no reason to start because of a stupid YouTube video.”
Mark feels his jaw drop, and he looks at Sicheng for any sort of help, but he just shrugs.
Renjun is just like that, He texts later. He’s very serious about relationships. Don’t take it personal.
How could Mark not take it personal? What about him wasn’t good enough for Renjun? Did Renjun think he was being fake? Did he think he was doing his whole dumb-boy-next-door-fanservice-schtick? He did kind of act like that, didn’t he? Except, he’d been way too nervous to act. He was just himself, he thinks.
Mark is a Grade-A overthinker, and a chronic people pleaser. Someone can’t simply not like him. Plus, they shook on it. They shook hands on being friends, and every guy knows that is a binding promise.
He will make Renjun keep his promise if it’s the last goddamn thing he ever does.
☁
A few weeks later, Mark wakes up in a cold sweat.
“Ohmygod!” He says outloud. He reaches for his phone on the nightstand.
TEN WHAT’S RENJUN’S KAKAO
CHENLE DO YOU HAVE RENJUN’S KAKAO
Yangyang, hey! Could you send me Renjun's kakao if you’re up? Thanks haha
Mark gets a friend request from someone. He accepts, and gets a message a moment later.
why’d you just ask yangyang for my kakao
it’s 2 am
YOURE UP!!
yeah yangyang and I are hanging out
so ??????
I REMEMBER
RENJUN I REMEMBER
????????
WHEN WE MET
omg
I asked if you were winwin’s little brother wtf why did I do that
yeah.
very nice greeting.
SORRY
BUT RENJUN I REMEMBER!!!
I just forgot because you looks so different now
When he met Renjun, they were 17 and 18, international age. Renjun had short hair that looked like it had been ruffled by someone older many times over. He was so short, Mark almost didn’t see him at first. But then Renjun looked up at him from Sicheng’s side. He smiled, and he had a snaggletooth. “Hi!” He said, cheerily. “I’m Renjun.”
“Oh, hi,” Mark said. He had just gotten out of an eight hour practice for Dream. He was more than a little tired, and more than a little distracted. “Are you Sicheng’s baby brother?”
Renjun’s face fell. “You mean… his twelve year old brother?”
“Yeah.”
“No,” Renjun said. He crossed his arms, and he suddenly looked older to Mark. Oh. Uh oh. “I’m a new trainee.”
Mark nodded, too enthusiastically. “Oh, that’s great. Nice meeting you. I have to, um, I forgot I need to… do this thing I need to do.”
Renjun gave a very terse thumbs up.
And Mark was so embarrassed, he blocked the interaction from his mind for three years. No wonder he always felt awkward talking to Renjun. He was overcoming a trauma.
this is serious character development, mark
Thanks! I just had to tell you immediately.
ok.
How are you?
[read]
Hello?
You go to bed?
That’s okay, text me in the morning.
Maybe we can get brunch or something.
Just let me know!
Mark falls back on his bed, cursing. In his defense, Renjun did look different as a trainee. He probably saw him after that day, but there were a lot of people in NCT and its orbit. It’s not like he could manage relationships with all his members and possible members.
When Renjun debuted, Mark remembers watching the music video, and being a little shocked. He knew of Renjun at that point, had heard he was a great singer and dancer, and more than a little pretty. But it’s different when that’s given the real idol treatment.
He always meant to say when they were hanging out with a group, “Dude, I really liked you in Regular.” And then that became, “Dude, I really liked you in Take Off.” And then that became, “Dude, I really liked you in Moonwalk.” And then that became Mark realizing he always stared at Renjun, but never talked to him because Renjun was always serious and well put together, unless he was talking to Yangyang.
His phone dings. New messages from: Chenle
Brooooooo
Why are you asking me for a man’s number in the middle of the night???
You are so in love
What???
I’m not in love, I’m just asking???
Your episode came out today
I’m watching it now
You are in L-O-V-E
What makes you say that????
puppy dog eyes
Mark is confused until Chenle sends a screenshot. Mark is looking at something, presumably Renjun, and his eyes are unnaturally round, and his jaw is open slightly. Mark prides himself on his ability to control his facial expressions. Maybe he should not do that.
okay yeah I can see what you mean
But that’s just because there were cameras.
Suuuuuuuure
Just know that’s not what fans think XOXO Gossip GirLe
Thus, #Markren is born. Overnight, Mark and Renjun go from an unthought of duo to a very popular ship. Chenle sends screenshot after screenshot to Mark.
The first date vibes????
oh wow their chemistry 😍
we need them in a unit nooooow
can you imagine if rj had debuted in dream? we were robbed!!
“Okay, I get it,” Mark says to him at practice. They’re rehearsing for a special end of year Dream performance. It’s the first time they’ll be reunited since Mark graduated in 2018, and might also be the last Dream performance for a long time now that all the members graduated. “Please stop now.”
“It’s just so funny because Renjun can’t stand you, and you’re like fully obsessed.”
“Renjun can’t stand me?”
Chenle looks down at his phone. “Only a slight exaggeration.”
Mark falls onto the couch next to Chenle. “Why? What did I do?”
“It’s what you didn’t do,” Chenle argues. “Renjun expects people to put effort into friendships. He’s not just a gaming buddy or something, you have to really try. And for the last almost four years, you have not.”
“Well, no offense to the guy, but I’ve been a little busy.”
Chenle shrugs. “Then you don’t have to be friends.”
Mark leans his head back. Chenle is right. Why is Mark even getting obsessed with this? There’s plenty of members he doesn’t talk to much. He doesn’t have to be friends with Renjun.
But he wants to be now. Out of stubbornness, that’s it. Mark is competitive, and he’s not just going to give up.
Luckily, Mark doesn’t have to try very hard to get close to Renjun. The company realizes the popularity of Markren, and wants to start putting them together more. They both have impossibly busy schedules, but they manage to work out a time for them to go live together.
Mark runs to the door when he hears a knock. He swings it open to see Renjun and his manager who seem to be mid-disagreement.
“Hello!” Mark greets.
Renjun turns to him. “Hi.”
“Come in,” Mark gestures.
Renjun takes off his coat as their managers attempt to set up the livestream for them. Renjun looks around the 127 dorm.
“Yeah, not much is it?”
“Ten and I keep the WayV dorm held together with tape and half a can of Febreeze, so it’s okay.”
Mark laughs, too loud. “Wow, that’s so funny.”
Renjun looks at him like he’s full of shit. He reaches up to take off his beanie, and Mark has to hold back a gasp of surprise.
He’s changed his hair for the upcoming WayV comeback. It’s grown in the months that Mark hasn’t seen him, and the top is black while the underside is bleached. Mark has never seen a hairstyle like that.
“Your hair-” Mark starts.
Renjun runs his fingers back through it, giving Mark the irresistible urge to touch it himself. “What?”
“Your hair is so cool.”
“Thanks.”
It makes him look older, somehow. He looked really cute for Awsaz with his pink hair, but now… Mark has always found Renjun decently attractive, whatever, but now he just kind of stands there trying to figure out why he can’t look away.
“Can we get started?” Renjun asks.
“Yeah. I, uh, made something for you.”
Renjun narrows his eyes. “You made something?”
“Sit down.”
Mark goes to the stove, where he’s made kimchi-jjigae. He thought cooking for Renjun would show a level of effort, but he can’t cook anything, so the prepackaged stew would have to do. He sets it on the table, along with rice.
“Wow,” Renjun says plainly.
“We’re good to start,” The manager cues.
Mark gives a thumbs up. Renjun follows suit.
“Oh,” Renjun says just before it starts, “Don’t be afraid to be a little touchy with me.”
“Huh?” Mark exasperates, but the managers cue.
Renjun looks straight forward, smiling.
“Hi, hi,” He greets.
Mark can finally look away from him, and to the camera. “Yes, it’s us. The most awkward awkward duo.”
“Not anymore,” Renjun lies, so easily Mark almost believes him, too. “Mark even cooked for me.”
Mark introduces his dish, which he feels a slight warm pride towards. “Try it,” He implores.
Renjun picks up his spoon. He sips some of the broth. “Mmm,” He hums. “Tastes great, exactly like it’s supposed to.”
Mark beams. It’s his first time experiencing praise from Renjun, rather than being told off.
“Should we answer questions?” Mark asks.
Renjun nods. He stands, and reaches over Mark to where his phone is on the table. Out of instinct, Mark puts his hands up on his hips, to balance him.
He is immediately shocked by his own behavior, and in disbelief that his hands are on Renjun’s hips, and he realizes how small Renjun is, and how nice this part of his body is, and shit, I’m staring at his ass on a livestream.
Renjun sits back down. “Thanks,” He mumbles.
Mark blushes. “Uh huh.” He picks up his phone to read comments, but they’re almost all about him being caught red handed.
“Um,” Mark stutters. “Why don’t you eat more?”
“Oh, um,” Renjun responds, dragging his spoon through the stew. “I will.”
“Go ahead.”
Renjun smiles, and takes another bite. His face immediately changes, and he holds a fist over his mouth. “Sorry,” He says, before running out of frame and to the bathroom.
Mark’s eyes widen. “What happened?” He asks.
His manager points to the stew, and reaches out a hand. Mark hands it to him. He sniffs. “Mark, how did you screw this up so badly?” He asks quietly.
Mark thinks he’s talking about his relationship with Renjun, but then he points to the stew, and Mark realizes what the issue might be.
“Is it bad?” Mark asks, eyebrows raising.
“Yeah.”
“I followed almost all the directions!” Mark protests. That’s how a recipe works, right? You’re supposed to riff a little?
The manager cringes.
Renjun comes back from the bathroom. “Sorry,” He mutters.
“I’m sorry!” Mark echoes. “I guess I should really give up cooking.”
“No, it was nice,” Renjun says to him. He looks at Mark with his wide sparkling eyes, and it feels so sincere. But then he turns away to the camera. “Everyone, Mark tried his best. I really appreciate it.”
“Do you want to wrap up?” Mark asks.
“No, it’s okay,” Renjun assures. “Just don’t make me eat any more of this, please.”
They only stay on for about twenty minutes because they keep falling into silence that Renjun saves by telling very random and sometimes made up anecdotes about Mark and Renjun’s interactions over the last four years. Renjun is very good at punctuating his stories by grabbing Mark’s arm or his leg, or wrapping one arm around him. Mark is burning with embarrassment and affection.
Finally, it finishes.
Renjun wipes his mouth with a napkin. “How do you mess up kimchi-jjigae that bad?”
Mark groans. “I don’t know, I’m sorry.”
“That was so embarrassing, Mark. You couldn’t have at least tried it beforehand?”
“I did! I thought it was okay.”
Renjun looks at him, disbelieving. “I think you were trying to kill me. Like, you actually just attempted to poison me.”
“Okay, I get it, I’ll never cook for you again.”
Renjun grabs him by the shoulders. “No. You can never cook for anyone again. Actually, you shouldn’t even be allowed in kitchens.”
Mark laughs, weakly. Wait. Is this. Rapport? Do they rapport now?
They stare at each other like that for a second, Mark thinking he may have accidentally made progress by doing something horrible. But then Renjun rolls his eyes, and stands up from the table.
“Well, it was interesting,” He says, heading for the door.
“Wait, you’re just leaving?”
Renjun turns around. “I mean, my manager has a family to be with, and I’m getting hotpot with Yangyang, so yeah.”
“Can I go?”
“What, home with my manager?” Renjun pretends to misunderstand.
“No, to hotpot.”
Mark doesn’t know why he invites himself on to someone else’s plans. That’s pretty much rule one of Things You Should Not Do When Trying to Force Someone to Like You.
“It’s kind of, like, a closed thing, I mean, I don’t know if Yangyang will want-”
“Right!” Mark interrupts. “Totally! I get it. It’s your bro time.”
Renjun shakes his head. “Yeah. It’s my ‘bro time’. Sure.” He grabs his coat from where he left it in the foyer, and puts his shoes back on. His manager says goodbye for him, and then he’s out the door as quickly as he came.
Mark pours the rest of the kimchi-jjigae down the drain. He tries not to feel upset about being turned down for hotpot. No one has ever not wanted him somewhere.
Mark knows being upset over it is petty, and immature. But that doesn’t stop him from feeling a heaviness everytime he sees Renjun, which becomes more and more as fans beg for interactions.
They get better and better at their act on camera. Mark now distinctly understands that Renjun is flirting with him in coy and impossibly witty ways that leave him trying to remember how to think. Mark knows his role is to blush, and call Renjun “cute”, and stutter over his words. Which isn’t so difficult for him.
But when the camera stops rolling, Mark stops trying to befriend Renjun. He can’t stand to get hurt by pursuing something that Renjun clearly doesn’t want. They go back to silence. Mark tries to remember that this is how it has always been with them, and he never felt he was missing something before.
Except now, he can search their names together and find so much evidence of a friendship that looks caring, and exciting, and (if he’s honest) a little hot. A friendship that doesn’t exist.
All that is between them is a tension so tight Mark sometimes can’t breathe until Renjun leaves the room. A tension Mark only feels relieved between the words “rolling” and “cut” when he’s allowed to touch and adore Renjun all he wants without it meaning anything.
“You need to do something about this,” Haechan says, leaning over Mark’s shoulder.
“Jesus!” Mark exclaims, dropping his phone into his lap.
Haechan crosses his arms, and looks down scoldingly at Mark. “That’s, like, the tenth time I’ve caught you watching that video.”
Mark clears his throat, turning off his phone so ‘WayV ‘Action Figure’ Performance Video’ can no longer be read. “What? It's a great dance.”
“Uh huh,” Haechan mocks. “Is it a great dance or is it a great look at Renjun’s butt in a suit?”
“Ohmygod, Hyuck,” Mark says. “What the fuck?”
“Ha! I’m so right.”
“What? About what?”
“You’re so into him,” Haechan teases. “I thought you were just doing a really good job for the cameras at first, but no. You want him.”
Mark scoffs. “Dude. No.”
“It’s okay! I don’t blame you! I’m big enough to admit I’ve tried sliding into those DMs, too,” Haechan admits. “But he’s impenetrable.” He pouts, and sits down next to Mark. “I have this theory that he’s in love with someone.”
Mark looks over. “Really?”
“Yeah. Why else would someone refuse me unless they were hung up on someone else?”
“I don’t know, maybe they have some dignity or something?”
Haechan smirks. “Please. Tell that to your dad.”
“My dad? My extremely Christian and traditional dad?”
“Yeah, him.”
Mark pushes Haechan’s face away from him. “You’re so weird. Also, for the record, I am not into Renjun. I actually kind of dislike him, if I’m honest. He’s a bit rude to me.”
“Right, that’s why you binge watch all of his performances and dress super nice when you’re gonna see him and think about him constantly.”
“Hey, how do you know I th-”
Haechan raises an eyebrow.
“Oh, shut up,” Mark groans, and leans back into the couch cushions, wishing he could disappear.
☁
Mark knows it’s going to be rigged from the very start, but he still feels a momentary shock when the paper he draws says, ‘RENJUN’.
He shows it to the group.
“Soulmates!” Yangyang squeals, and Renjun kicks him before remembering he’s supposed to be very happy with this roommate arrangement.
So he stands, and hugs Mark around the shoulders. They go sit to the side together so everyone else can get their room assignments.
He doesn’t know who came up with the idea to bring back random roommates for SMTOWN Tokyo, but he would like to personally tell them he’s very, very upset with them.
It’s fine, he tells himself because he has to. We’ll just film what we need to and then sleep.
Renjun looks over at him. Mark notices his hair has grown out from when he cut it early in the year. It’s to his eyebrows now. Mark wonders if he’s ever had a bad haircut, or even a bad hair day. It seems like everything about Renjun, down to each individual strand of hair, is perfect.
But he’s scowling into the back of his hand.
Right. That's what isn’t perfect. Mark blinks, bringing himself back to reality.
Renjun can’t stand you.
Mark looks back to the rest of the group. Yangyang and Haechan are paired as roommates, and everyone laughs. Mark laughs, too, even though he missed the joke. Even though his stomach is filled with nerves.
Renjun sets his purse down on the bed.
“Well, I call this one,” He says.
Mark looks to him to see if he’s joking. “Where do I sleep?”
Renjun shrugs. “Bathtub?”
“On a night before a concert?” Mark argues seriously. Of course, he wants Renjun to be comfortable, but it would be kind of bad for his back.
Mark watches Renjun’s brows furrow. “Mark, you don’t actually have to sleep here. I’ll just switch with Haechan.”
It makes Mark feel disappointed, to hear that Renjun still isn’t willing to even try. He’s already looking for an out, has probably been planning since the moment Mark said his name.
“Are you and Haechan fighting or something? You look upset.”
“No. No, that’ll be fine. Should we film?”
Renjun finds his vlog camera. “Remember, we’re in love,” He says.
Mark turns his head to him. He’s fixing his hair in the viewfinder like he didn’t just say something completely life altering.
“Are we?” Mark asks. He clears his throat. “I mean, is that the concept?”
Renjun finally looks at him, a smirk forming on his lips. “Isn’t it?”
There’s a few seconds of time where Mark can’t do anything because he is only telling himself that this isn’t real. When he finally convinces himself, he shrugs it all off. “I guess. Make sure to mention fate or something.”
“Mark, I always mention fate when it comes to you.” He throws an arm around Mark’s shoulder, and presses record. Mark holds him by the waist, pulling him to his side.
He looks at the viewfinder, to see them together. Renjun is smiling in a way Mark never sees him smile when the camera is off. He looks happy to be here with Mark, happy to be at his side.
Mark tries to smile the same way. He’s not as good at faking as Renjun. He wonders how much longer he can do this.
“No,” Haechan says, crossing his arms.
“Yeah,” Yangyang agrees. “No way.”
Renjun shakes his head. “What? Why?”
Haechan sighs dramatically. “Oh, Junnie. Why don’t you two come in?” He opens the door wider for Mark and Renjun, who look at each other once before entering.
Yangyang jumps onto his bed. Haechan sits seriously on his.
“Isn’t it better for us to switch?” Renjun is already arguing. “Won’t you sleep better with Mark, Haechan?”
“Mark snores,” Haechan says.
“So does Yangyang!”
“Do not!” Yangyang grabs a pillow from the bed, and throws it at Renjun. “Look, baby, as much as I want to spend even more time with you than the 168 hours we spend together every week, you need this.”
Renjun throws his hands up. “Need what?”
“You and Mark,” Haechan takes over, “Need to figure out whatever this is.” He motions to them with his hand.
Mark’s eyes widen. He tries to send a very clear message to Haechan with them: Shut up.
Yangyang laughs. “Renjun, don’t look so pouty. I literally can’t stand one more minute of you talking about Mark to me, and how much he annoys you and how much you want to smother him to death, so I need you two to figure something out.”
But Renjun’s bottom lip stays firmly planted.
“Cute!” Haechan squeals. “Maybe I can switch with Mark.”
“No,” Yangyang wills. “Stay strong. Don’t let him fool you.”
“I’ll just sleep better if I’m with Yangyang,” Renjun says, in a sweet and soft voice. “I don’t sleep well in new places.”
Mark would give into him instantly. He’s amazed when Yangyang and Haechan shake their heads.
Renjun scoffs. “Whatever, we’ll just ask someone else.”
“Won’t work,” Haechan informs. “We’ve already told everyone that you need this, and they agree.”
Yangyang smiles brightly. “Good night!”
“Whatever,” Renjun whines, turning out of the room.
“If you get scared you can come cuddle with me, though!” Haechan shouts after him.
Renjun’s middle finger disappears behind the closing door.
Haechan and Yangyang turn to Mark.
“Are you going to dramatically storm out now, or is it just my best friend who does that?” Yangyang asks.
“Thanks a lot guys,” Mark says, sarcastically. “Now I get to share a room with someone who fantasizes about murdering me.”
“Ugh,” Haechan groans. “You can really be so dull sometimes, Markly.”
“Why?”
Haechan leans forward. “You wanna know what I would do with Junnie?”
“No, I don’t think I do.”
“Okay, fine, while I do think hate fucking would work for me because I’m awesome in bed, that’s not what I’m suggesting. You should just have a serious, adult conversation with him about why you can’t get along.”
Yangyang nods. “I agree. Not with the you being good in bed part, but the conversation part. Renjun loves shit like that, seriously. Just be honest.”
Being completely honest is not a good idea, Mark knows. But maybe he could make an opening.
“And if that doesn’t work,” Haechan adds, “I do have condoms.”
Mark rolls his eyes.
Renjun is in the shower when Mark gets back to the room, thankfully. It gives Mark a moment to lay down on the bed and think.
As soon as his head hits the pillow, he shoots back up.
The bed.
He thinks back to Yangyang and Haechan’s room. They definitely had two beds.
This room, definitively, still has one.
As soon as Mark thinks it can’t possibly get worse for him, it always, always does.
Renjun comes out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist, drying off his hair with another towel. Mark looks away but not before seeing Renjun’s entire chest and torso. He’s much more toned than Mark expected. Maybe he’s been working out. If so, Mark will personally work to get the gyms closed because it’s unfair for someone who already has a perfect face to also have abs and muscles.
“Are you okay?” Renjun asks, putting a shirt on. “You look very red.”
“Just tired.”
“Your skin turns red when you’re tired?”
“Yeah. Yeah it does.”
“Okay.”
“I’m gonna go brush my teeth.”
Mark recollects himself in the bathroom. It’s a big bed. They won’t even touch. It will be fine.
He remembers the very serious conversation they’re supposed to have. That’s what he needs to focus on. He only has one chance to say the perfect thing, so he practices in the mirror.
“Renjun,” He’ll start. “I was hoping we could talk. I really don’t like that we have animosity between us. Could we please figure out where it’s coming from, and work together to get rid of it?”
Yeah. That sounds perfect.
Mark hits his toothbrush against the side of the sink. He sets it in the toothbrush holder, beside Renjun’s.
He takes a deep breath, and walks back out.
Renjun is lying in bed sideways, on his phone. His hair is drying flat and his cheek is pushed against his pillow, smooshing up that side of his face. Everything Mark wanted to say leaves his mind, and he can only think ‘Cute.’
He turns off the light. If he can’t see Renjun, this will be easier.
“Goodnight,” Renjun says as Mark gets under the covers next to him.
“Actually,” Mark starts, staring up at the ceiling. “Yo, I was hoping, um, maybe we can, I dunno, talk?”
“Talk?”
“Like, about stuff.”
Renjun turns off his phone, and turns to face Mark. “What stuff?”
“Like, shit, I just get this vibe…”
“Vibe?” Renjun mumbles. His voice is quiet and sleepy.
“This vibe that you really dislike me? Well, it’s more than a vibe. It’s like, something Chenle and Yangyang and you yourself have told me, so I don’t know why I said vibe, but it is a feeling I have around you, and I’m really really really sorry I offended you when we met, but that was now five years ago, and I can’t imagine you still being this angry about it-”
“Okay, woah. Mark?”
“Yes?”
“Just say what you really want to say.”
Mark sighs, and runs his hands over his eyes. “Why? Why do you hate me?”
He hears Renjun turn onto his back. He’s quiet for a long time, and Mark thinks maybe he fell asleep. Until he says, “I don’t hate you, Mark.”
“Seems like it.”
“Does it hurt you?”
Mark laughs. “Yeah, a little bit.”
“I’m sorry,” Renjun says, “Sincerely.”
It’s bad that Mark wonders if he’s acting. That he still feels relieved to hear Renjun be gentle anyway.
“It’s just,” Renjun continues. “I’ve always been afraid to befriend you.”
Mark turns to him, surprised. “Why?”
He hears Renjun exhale. “Just a feeling.”
“What? That I’m arrogant or mean or something? Because honestly, that’s always what I thought of you.”
“Really?”
Only partially. “Yeah. Is that it?”
“No, Mark. No, that’s not it.”
“Then what? What is it about me that makes you afraid?”
Renjun exhales again, but it’s shakier. “I think we should sleep now.”
The reluctance to tell just makes Mark more desperate. He grabs his phone from the nightstand, and scrolls through his photo gallery. He finds what he’s looking for. A picture of himself, at 18, just after debuting with Dream. “This is literally what I looked like when we met. How were you afraid?”
Renjun’s hand reaches into the light from the phone. He rests it on the side of the screen, tilting it so he can see better. His fingers brush against Mark’s, and it’s the first time they’ve touched since they laid down together.
“God,” Renjun sighs. “You were so cute. It’s no wonder I had a crush on you.”
Mark drops his phone, it landing squarely on his chest. “You-what?”
“Goodnight, Mark.” Renjun turns over, facing the wall.
“No, Renjun, what did you just say? Did you just say you- on me? Renjun. Renjun. I know you can’t fall asleep that fast.”
“Mark, I really need to sleep.”
“And I really need you to explain why you would say something like that.”
Mark sees the outline of Renjun’s shoulder shrug. “It’s really nothing. Ever since I saw videos of you from SM Rookies and your debut, I thought you were really cool. When I saw you in person, I thought you were even cuter, and then you thought I was twelve years old, and my heart was broken for the first time. Whatever.”
‘Whatever’? How the fuck is that ‘whatever’?
“Is this a joke?” Mark asks, because it must be.
“Yeah, sure. It’s a joke,” Renjun says, and Mark knows it’s a lie. “Go to bed.”
Mark is too stunned to speak. He just lays, trying to make the revelation seem real. Renjun, who never talks to him until he is forced to. Who looks perpetually annoyed with him. Who begged Yangyang and Haechan to switch roommates. That same person used to have a crush on him.
Mark thinks of the first time he talked to Renjun after the Awsaz interview, and the crushing disappointment of realizing he wasn’t who Mark thought. That must have been how Renjun felt. The person, or boy rather, Mark was in front of the camera gave Renjun a certain impression of what he would be like. And Mark didn’t live up to the expectation.
He doesn’t get to sleep for a long time, even after he hears Renjun’s breathing slow down. He stares at the minutes passing on the digital clock on the nightstand.
3:23
Mark feels his eyes get heavy. His last thought is fleeting: If only I could go back, and give him all of my attention. If only I could undo the last 5 years of my life, and make him a part of them. If only I had said something that made him mine.
Mark wakes up slowly to the smell of the hotel’s lavender shampoo. His eyes find the back of Renjun’s head, his black hair messy from rolling over in the night.
Mark processes that he is holding Renjun to his chest, his arm wrapped around his waist, his legs intertwined with Renjun’s.
Renjun is holding Mark’s hand resting on his stomach. Mark risks leaning up on his elbow to see Renjun’s small fingers holding onto his own.
It’s the first time Mark has woken up with someone like this, and he doesn’t want to do anything to make it end. He also doesn’t want Renjun to wake up, and find them like this.
Or maybe he does. Maybe he would like Renjun to see that they can touch without a camera on them.
Without thinking, he brings himself closer to Renjun, his chest against his back. He’s worried his heart is beating so loud it will wake Renjun up.
He finds Renjun’s other hand, stretched above his head, and places his own hand beside it.
He lets himself believe for a moment that this is how he gets to wake up every morning. That this is not a hotel bed they were both forced into, but a bed they choose to share. Mark’s mind wanders in his early morning fog, he feels himself drifting in and out of sleep, and he lets himself believe it.
He wakes up a while later to find his hand resting on Renjun’s empty pillow. Renjun himself is gone. Mark wonders if maybe he imagined him completely. Not just this morning, but since he’s known him. It’s easier to believe Renjun isn’t real than to believe Renjun liked him once. Renjun liked him before he really knew him. Mark knows he is a lot of people’s ‘celebrity crush’, but he never thought he would be Renjun’s.
They have rehearsals soon. Mark gets around, getting ready for another day of fantasy.
“Dancing in the moonlight, alone…”
Mark watches WayV from backstage, indulging in a view of Renjun he has denied himself all day. He’s managed to avoid him in the waiting room and during rehearsal, but he can’t avoid him now, when he’s center stage doing downright sinful things with his hips.
It’s hard to believe this is the same guy who was sleeping in his arms this morning. It’s even harder to believe this is the boy he met in the SM hallway, who thought he liked him.
Renjun is someone else on stage. Fluid and focused, rain landing in the same place over and over. Mark likes when Renjun shows affection to him when they’re filming. He likes when Renjun tells a joke that makes himself laugh. He likes when Renjun words things in ways he would never think to.
But he likes Renjun most onstage, how he is now, singing and dancing like Mark has never seen anyone else do before.
The song ends, and Mark feels ripped back to reality. The WayV members come backstage, one by one, followed last by Renjun, who tilts his head up and pauses to catch his breath. Mark watches him, the sweat dripping down his neck. He pushes his hair back, his shirt lifting.
“Mark, we need to get in place,” a vaguely familiar voice says to him.
“Uh huh.”
“Mark, now, we’re next,” the person says.
“Yeah, I’m coming.”
“No, you’re staring at Renjun.”
Mark finally breaks concentration and turns to see his dearest friend in the world, Haechan. It is too bad Mark will now have to murder him because hearing his name from Haechan’s impossibly loud mouth, Renjun looks over at them.
He makes eye contact with Mark, before looking away, following his members backstage to the waiting room. Mark watches him go.
Haechan shakes his arm. “Seriously, Mark. Did you not follow my advice?”
“No, I did.”
“Then why are you still acting like a sexually repressed maiden who must watch her love from afar?”
There’s no way Mark can answer that in the two minutes they have before they need to be on stage, so instead he passes an equally impossible question to Haechan. “Do you think you ever really get over your first love?”
“Is Renjun your first love?”
“No.”
“Well, I would say you’ve clearly moved on from whoever your first love was because-”
“Okay, not me. What if it’s someone who never got a chance with their first love?”
Haechan looks baffled. “I have no idea why you need to ask this right now, but I guess… Wouldn’t you always be wondering ‘What if?’”
Mark nods. “Yeah. Yeah, I kind of think the same thing.”
“Does this have something to do with performing Kick It in a minute or…”
“No. It just has to do with making sure I don’t lose my second chance.”
His friend scoffs. “You’re crazy, Mark Lee. Seriously, I don’t understand you.”
During the last song, his eyes won’t stop roaming among the other idols on stage. He’s trying to be discreet, but it’s obvious to him and anyone paying attention that he’s looking for someone specific. People keep saying hi to him, and he keeps waving to fans, but mostly he’s looking for Renjun.
And then he sees him. He’s giving hearts to the crowd at the end of a leg of the stage. He starts walking back, and Mark walks towards him.
Renjun knows he can’t ignore Mark with everyone watching. He smiles at him, and tries to walk by, but Mark grabs his arm.
“Mark-”
“Wait,” Mark whispers. He leans in so only Renjun can hear and see what he says. “I just want to say, you did so good today.”
Mark watches as Renjun tries not to smile. “Thank you. I learned from watching you.”
He doesn’t know if that’s honest or not, but Mark still feels like it’s one of the best compliments he’s ever received. “Oh, well… Look, can we talk?”
“Now is obviously not a good time,” Renjun says, and Mark can see panic grow in his eyes.
“I know. But later.”
“We don’t have to.”
“Don’t you want to know what I think?”
Renjun shakes his head, but then hesitates. “I guess it depends on what you want to say.”
Mark bites his lip, stopping himself from saying it all now.
To finish the moment, Renjun gives him a quick hug. It feels different from their normal hugs. It feels like Renjun is being bashful, when normally he has no issue initiating physical affection. He hurries off quickly after.
Mark is on stage, surrounded by people, but he never feels more alone than seeing Renjun leave him.
He’s determined. He is not going to let Renjun get away from him again. When he gets back to the hotel from dinner with other members, he feels like he’s walking on air to their room.
Of course he’s so nervous he could throw up. But he also feels sure. That this is what he has to do. That the last two years of doing this strange dance with Renjun must end.
He will tell Renjun how he feels, and he will let Renjun decide what to do with it. If Renjun says he no longer feels that way, Mark will ask that they stop pretending to be more for the cameras.
Mark takes a deep breath, and opens the door to their hotel room. He walks in as confident as he can. “Renjun, can we-”
He stops. The world stops.
Renjun is in bed, stradling Yangyang, leaning over him. He’s touching his face with one hand. Yangyang’s hands are on Renjun’s waist. They both turn to Mark, caught.
Mark stands awkwardly at the foot of the bed, trying to rationalize the scene in front of him. And then it all makes sense.
Haechan said a while back Renjun must be in love with someone. Of course it’s Yangyang. He spends all of his time with Yangyang, going on hotpot dates and talking late into the night together. When the camera is off, Mark only ever sees Renjun be affectionate with Yangyang. They call each other sweet nicknames like baby. They even have friendship rings.
And here they are in bed. Together. Doing… whatever.
“Carry on,” Mark apologizes, and he hurries out of the room. He feels his face burning up. How could he be so stupid? How could he not see all of the clues?
He really thought Renjun might be hung up on a crush from five years ago. Of course he’s moved on.
Mark knocks pitifully on Haechan’s door. It swings open. Haechan is in the hotel’s complimentary robe. “How can I help you?”
“I think I’m sleeping in here tonight.”
“What happened?” Haechan asks, letting him in.
“They’re hooking up in our room right now.”
“Who’s they?” Haechan asks.
“Renjun and Yangyang.”
Haechan turns, eyes wide. “Yangyang? Yangyang’s a swinger?”
“Guess so.” Mark sits at the end of Haechan’s bed, shoulders slouched.
“Damn, I never would have expected that, but I guess any man would swing for Renjun. I mean, look at you.”
Mark tries to physically swing for Haechan, but his heart isn’t in it. Haechan grabs his hand before it hits his side, and holds it. “I’m sorry, Marky.”
It’s only fair if Mark broke Renjun’s heart that he should get to break Mark’s heart, too.
When they get back to Korea, Mark manages to avoid Renjun. Luckily, he’s busy preparing for the 127 comeback, and WayV seems to be in a new country everyday.
There’s no time to talk or think about what did and didn’t happen. Mark is so preoccupied, he sometimes thinks he has gotten over Renjun completely. Until he sees a photo of him and Yangyang traveling together, and a new wave of sadness fills him.
He’s happy for Renjun, of course. He wants Renjun to be loved and appreciated. He knows Yangyang will do that.
That doesn’t stop him from wishing. Wishing he was faster. Wishing he was braver. Wishing he was Renjun’s.
☁
They’re rehearsing for end of the year performances, and Mark is doing everything to not look at Renjun. He’s going over the new dance by himself in the mirror, perfecting each piece of the dance.
Mark keeps trying not to stare, but his eyes love to watch Renjun dance, and keep wandering.
He’s handed a video camera and told to vlog. He knows that means talk to Renjun. He talks to others first. Without approaching them, Renjun and Yangyang come up to him first.
“Hello,” Mark says.
Renjun wraps an arm around Mark, the first time they’ve touched in the three months since Tokyo. “Mark!” he says happily, but it is more awkward than usual. Even for them.
“It’s been so long,” Mark points out the obvious. He’s trying not to think about how Yangyang is holding onto Renjun’s shoulder. “What have you two been doing?”
Besides each other. He tries not to laugh out of his own self pity.
“All I’ve been doing is missing you,” Yangyang says. “Even though sometimes it feels like you’re there with how much Renjun talks about you.”
Mark turns to look at Renjun, who looks away at the same time. “All good things?” He asks, shyly.
Yangyang smiles. “You know Junnie. The meaner he is, the more he loves you.”
Mark wonders if that’s really true. If it is, Renjun really loves him. He laughs weakly, trying not to sound affected. He wonders if they’ll even be able to use this footage, or if even the editors will be able to see right through Mark as he stares down at Renjun who will still not look at him.
“I’m glad we get to do this together,” Mark says to them both, but he wants Renjun to hear it most.
Renjun smiles as he always does, looking into the camera lense. “Me too.” He lets his eyes wander to Mark’s for a moment, before looking away.
Mark must imagine the blush on his cheeks.
Mark feels himself linger as they all collect their stuff to leave. He’s slow putting on his coat, and checking if he has everything in his bag. He’s slow saying goodbye to everyone until finally the only person to say goodbye to is Renjun, who also seems to be waiting.
They finally turn to each other.
“Well, goodbye,” Mark says at the same time Renjun says, “We never talked-“
“Sorry,” Mark says quickly. “Go ahead.”
Renjun digs the toe of his sneaker into the dance floor. “I just thought you had something to tell me. All the way back in Tokyo.”
“Oh,” Mark exhales.
“I mean,” Renjun chuckles, eyes looking everywhere but Mark. “It was a long time ago, so maybe you don’t remember.”
“No, I remember,” Mark assures. “Are you doing anything? Do you want to get dinner together?”
“Just the two of us?”
“Yeah.”
It’s the kind of conversation Mark wants to have in private, but there’s no such thing as privacy in his life. So he sits with Renjun in a busy hotpot restaurant, and they don’t talk about anything serious. Renjun tells him about their tour, and Mark tells him about how he's been trying to write more recently. They’ve never talked like this. Like friends, with no one else listening or watching.
He’s surprised by how easy it is, even as questions build up inside of him.
What’s going on with Yangyang? Are you together? What does he think about me? Why do you talk about me to him? Do you still like me? Do you still hate me? If you hate me, why are you smiling like that? Was it all for the cameras? Or was some of it for us, too?
But he tries to focus. On Renjun and on his words. Renjun is still able to make Mark laugh with the simplest of jokes. He says things in ways no one else would think of. If they fall into awkward silence for a moment, Renjun always finds a new topic that feels natural and interesting.
Mark enjoys his company, and it doesn’t feel like too much or too little. It’s just right.
He’s surprised when he looks at his watch and finds they’ve been sitting there together for two hours.
“Should we go?” Mark asks. “I’ll walk you back to your dorm, and then just call myself a car.”
Renjun nods. “Okay.”
Mark keeps his hands in the pockets of his jacket as he walks beside Renjun.
It’s cold, even for Seoul in November.
“Maybe we should have called a car,” Renjun laughs, shivering.
“It’s not far, right?”
“No, we’re almost there.”
“Here.” Mark slips off his jacket, leaving him in a hoodie.
Renjun shakes his head. “You’ll get sick.”
“Cold doesn’t bother me. Canada, remember?”
Renjun rolls his eyes, but takes the jacket. He pulls it on over his own, which Mark could tell was more for fashion than practicality. “Thanks.”
It’s worth being cold to see the relief in Renjun’s eyes as he burrows his face into the collar of Mark’s jacket.
Mark’s fingers hang at his sides now. He feels them brush against Renjun’s, who immediately crosses his arms over his chest. So that’s it.
“Well,” Mark decides to breach. “How is it with Yangyang?”
Renjun turns to him, confused. “Fine?”
“Like, your relationship? It’s good?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
Mark shrugs. “I was just surprised, is all.”
“Surprised by what?”
“Tokyo,” Mark answers simply.
“What happened in Tokyo?”
“You know,” Mark presses. “You and him. In the bed.”
Renjun’s eyes widen. “You- What?”
“You’re together, or something. Right?”
“Yangyang and I?” Renjun asks, exasperated.
Mark laughs. “You don’t have to pretend. It’s okay if you’re together.”
But Renjun makes a fake barfing sound. “Yangyang and I?“ He repeats. “Together? Why would you think that?”
“You were on top of him!”
Renjun groans. “Mark! I was getting an eyelash out of his eye! He was being a total drama queen about it, so I had to hold him down.”
Mark stops walking. “Seriously?”
“Yes!” Renjun shivers, disgusted. “I can’t believe you would think, ugh, Yangyang and I!”
Mark feels himself smile. Okay, he got it wrong. That’s embarrassing. But it was almost worth being wrong for months to see Renjun’s cute reaction now.
“You really are so dumb, Mark,” Renjun scolds, shaking his head. “Yangyang and I… wow…”
He starts walking again. Mark falls back in step with him. “Sorry,” He apologizes. He thinks. He might as well. “But… is there anyone? That you’re seeing?”
Renjun shakes his head. “No time.”
“So… you don’t like anyone?”
“I never said that,” Renjun amends.
Mark tries to stay calm. He’s forgotten the cold entirely, and his cheeks are red for an entirely different reason. “You do like someone? Who?”
Renjun scratches his neck under the collar of Mark’s jacket. “Um. Who do you like?”
“I never said I like anyone.”
“Oh.”
“But, I mean, I do. Kind of.”
Kind of? What is wrong with you?
Renjun turns to look at him, his eyes sparkling from the streetlights. “Who?”
“Well, I think you know them,” Mark babbles. “It’s someone who… I’m close to, but not really. I mean, I’m put close to them, but they never really choose to be close to me on their own. It doesn’t really sound like they like me back, huh?”
Renjun shakes his head. “Maybe they have their reasons for staying away.”
“What do you think those reasons are?” Mark hears his heart beating in his ears.
“Maybe they’re intimidated by you,” Renjun says, and he smirks. “I think I’ve heard that somewhere before.”
“Me too, actually. But the funny thing is, I think this person once wanted to get close to me, but I ruined it. Do you think they can forgive me?”
Renjun stops walking. They’ve reached the dorm. He turns to face Mark. “Oh, Mark. I’m sure they already have. You’re a really good person. There’s nothing you could do that couldn’t be forgiven.”
“Yeah?” Mark breathes, looking into Renjun’s eyes.
Renjun nods. “Yeah.”
“Okay. Thanks.” Mark shakes his head. “I guess I should call for a car.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Renjun agrees. But then he tilts his head to the side. “Or… you could come up?”
Mark points up the apartment building. “Up to your dorm?”
“Yeah.”
“To see Xiaojun?” Mark jokes.
Renjun hits him in the arm. “Don’t push it, Mark Lee.” He opens the door to the complex, leading them down the hall to the elevator.
Mark trails behind him. “I’m sorry. I’m really nervous. I say dumb things when I’m nervous.”
“Is that why you’re always so dumb around me?”
Mark nods. “Yeah. You make me so nervous, Renjun.”
They step onto the elevator together. The doors slide closed behind them. “Why?”
Mark looks down at Renjun. It’s only them here, in this small room until they reach Renjun’s floor. Why not spend the time being honest? “Because I’m not sure what I’ll do around you.”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?”
“Probably this.”
Mark leans down, holds Renjun’s head with his hands, and kisses him.
I’m kissing Renjun, he tells himself. It doesn’t make it feel real.
Renjun steadies them by leaning back on the wall of the elevator. Mark feels Renjun relax into the kiss, the tension slipping away from him. Their lips are chapped from the cold. But Renjun’s mouth is warm against his, and Mark feels both of them begin to melt.
Renjun sighs when they part, like he’s letting out air after years of holding his breath.
He goes to kiss Renjun again, but the doors of the elevator slide open.
“Please act normal if we bump into someone,” Renjun pleads as he unlocks the door to the dorm.
“When am I not normal?”
Renjun doesn’t answer that question. He opens the door. Luckily, it’s late enough that the other WayV members are in their own rooms. Mark hears video games coming from what must be Yangyang’s room, and Xiaojun talking to someone, maybe Kun. It seems homey, and different from the 127 dorm. It smells the same, though.
Renjun opens his door, and his room, unsurprisingly, smells much nicer. Like incense and floral candles.
He flips on the light switch, and string lights around his room turn on. He turns on a lamp that turns the room golden.
It’s the most comforting dorm room Mark has ever been in. He feels like he could spend a long time there, unlike his room which he’s always finding an excuse to leave.
“Come in,” Renjun allows.
Mark steps in.
“Here,” Renjun says. He rummages through a drawer before handing Mark an oversized knit sweater.
It's warm enough that Mark really doesn't need a sweater. But he's not just going to reject wearing Renjun's clothes. Mark pulls it on over his head. It smells like Renjun’s perfume. He hopes Renjun doesn’t want it back.
“Do you want to sit down?” Renjun asks, stepping back towards his bed.
Mark nods. They sit down together, and fall into silence.
Renjun finally giggles. “God, I feel like a middle schooler. I have no idea what to do.”
“Same,” Mark agrees. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. I don’t think I’d like you as much if you were totally confident and cool.”
Mark looks down at his hands. “So you like me?”
Renjun scoffs. “Well, obviously?”
“It’s just been kind of hard to tell.” Mark laughs. He relaxes, leaning back against the wall.
Renjun follows suit. “I’m sorry about that. I didn’t want to let you get close to me at all.”
“Why’d you let me do stuff like that when we were filming then?” Mark finally gets to ask.
Renjun shrugs. He tries and fails to seem nonchalant, “I liked pretending to be in a universe where you could actually like me.”
Mark grabs Renjun’s hand on the bed. They intertwine their fingers.
“I wasn’t pretending.”
They're quiet, the only sound coming from Renjun's roommates on the other side of the door, who would be shocked to see their Renjun holding the hand of a boy he swears he hates. Well, maybe not that surprised, Mark thinks. Maybe everyone else had this figured out a long time before Mark and Renjun did.
“So,” Renjun ventures, “What now?”
The silence the question is met with is awkward. But it’s okay.
☁
They figure out what comes next together. From awkward moments of, “Is this a date?” being met with, “Obviously.” To not knowing when they should kiss again. To not knowing what to do the first time they’re on camera and they realize they're not faking anything. To the first time Mark says “I love you” and Renjun says “What?” and Mark says “Nevermind” and they’re silent for a few minutes until Renjun says, “I love you, too.”
Mark keeps waiting for it to be too awkward to save. But they always figure out how to laugh at themselves, and at their two years of “pretending” to date on camera.
Suddenly, Renjun is who Mark wants to be with most in the entire world. He sleeps in his bed almost every night, and he can’t stop thinking of the future they will get to have together.
It’s one of those nights when he says groggily, “We should go to Paris for real some time.”
“Huh?” Renjun says into the crook of his arm, his eyes closed as he’s falling asleep.
“You know, like our first date.”
Renjun rolls onto his back. “That was not a date.”
“Yeah, it was,” Mark argues.
“Sicheng and Jisung were telling us what to do.”
“Okay? Jisung didn’t tell me to fall in love with you, but I still did that.”
Renjun groans, and puts a pillow over his head. “Go to bed!” he shouts, muffled by cotton.
“It’s okay, I know you feel the same.”
“Wrong!” Renjun sings into the pillow.
But then Mark feels him roll over, and press a quick kiss into his cheek. Mark tries not to smile like an idiot, but fails.
Mark asks something else that he can't stop thinking about recently. “What do you think would have happened if you came to Korea earlier, and could debut in Dream?”
“I think you’re trying to engage me in a very interesting conversation about alternate universes when you know I need to sleep.”
“There’s an alternate universe where I let you sleep, but in this universe, I want to know what you think.”
“Well,” Renjun gives in, turning onto his back. “I think it would have been very bad for me.”
“Bad?”
“It was already embarrassing enough yearning for you from a distance. I don’t know what I would have been like if I got to be close to you.”
Mark shakes his head. “I would have liked you back, though.”
“You wouldn’t. Not right away. You didn’t like me until I got hot.”
“I don’t like you cause you’re hot.”
“Sure.”
“But don’t you think it would have been nice?" Mark tries to explain, "To grow up together?”
Renjun is silent for a minute. And then he says, “Aren’t we still? Growing up?”
Mark can’t stop himself from hugging Renjun around his waist, pulling him close. “God, you are so cute.”
Renjun tries to wiggle away, but eventually gives up on pretending to not want Mark to love him.
So Mark gives up on wishing he could change the past. Everything happened perfectly, exactly how it was supposed to. There can be no universe where he is happier.