Chapter Text
The first thing Blitzo noticed on waking up was that the cushion his face was mashed into was stinky. As in cigarette smoke, drool, aging leftover bits of late night snacks including Loona's carnivore crunchies - yeah no. This couch had to go.
The second thing was the alarm blaring from his room. Nine Inch Nailed Your Mom's latest album "Because Fuck You That's Why", the extended techno remix part, which meant he should've been up and in the shower three songs ago.
The third thing was the total implosion of his business and all his reasons for existing, scheduled to happen any time now because he was a fucking wuss who couldn't shove his emotions down and his dick up when it counted. What the hell had been wrong with him last night?
Blitzo rolled over and let himself drop to the floor with a thump. He lay there staring at the ceiling. There was a patch of plaster up there that looked like a horse if he squinted.
Had he really cried himself to sleep last night? A quick fumble for his phone verified that it was down to 3% and still showing the picture of his family. Tiny Blitzo grinned proudly at the camera, unaware that his future was going to suck.
Okay. Okay, he could fix this -
"Turn that thing OFF!" Loona's muffled voice came from down the hall. So she made it back from her party, good. He was the opposite of thrilled about her hanging out with Verosika's bodyguard, but it wasn't like he could stop her. And the discreet warning he'd sent to the guy about keeping her safe had been well received, or at least he hadn't heard any -
"BLITZ!"
"Ugh. Okay, sorry honey," he called, rolling to his feet with flawless acrobatic grace and there weren't any witnesses around to say otherwise, so take that Fizzle-dick.
Fizz. Ozzie's. Last night. He stopped that train of thought at the station and got himself down the hall to turn off the alarm. Shower. Clothes. His trademark coat, flaring out nicely as he spun in the mirror. Totally worth the paycheck it had cost (especially considering it had been Moxxie's paycheck).
Loona stalked past him to the door, clutching her travel mug and trailing the wonderful smell of coffee. He turned to look at the kitchen counter; some days she'd pour him one too and some days she'd empty the coffeepot out the window. Today was a window day. Which was fine, you didn't love your kids based on them doing nice things.
"The next time you order Indian I will pee on one of your samosas and you will never know which one," she informed him.
"Sorry I overslept. Ready for another big day? Clients will be pouring in, I can smell it. Blood and money, Loona, the smells of SUCCESS!"
She rolled her eyes and slurped her coffee pointedly, but she followed him down to the van and that's what counted.
It wasn't as though it would have been hard to give the birdbrain what he wanted. Stolas was the easiest bedpartner to please in the nine rings of Hell; he loved everything Blitzo did to him, he was inventive and kinky as shit, he never said no but he had no problem hearing it. If you could get him to shut up - and that's what gags were made for - he was pretty much perfect.
He probably would've been happy to watch the Spirit movie. And "cuddle", whatever. His eyes would've gotten big like stoplights at the intense parts. Probably would've cried, the sap.
But no, Blitzo had to be a drama queen about his tender bruised fee-fees and shove him away. Had to get upset about the reminder that his role in this relationship situation was: whore. Dirty embarrassing indulgence of the Prince of the high-fucking-mighty Ars Goetia. Paid in book. He had to have that book.
He definitely didn't think about it all the way to the office and absolutely did not cause those two traffic accidents.
Moxxie and Millie were in the conference room, combining activities in the "weaponry" and "lovey-dovey" categories. Blitzo didn't look too closely as he swept in. "Morning, fam! Ready to fuck up some humans with style?"
"Morning, boss!" chirped Millie. Moxxie didn't look up from the gun he was cleaning until she nudged him. "Sir. Do we have a contract?"
"Eh, we will soon, I have a good feeling about today. Especially since I passed out a whole bunch of our new flyers on the way here." With a flourish he stuck the last copy on the whiteboard, over top of Moxxie's latest pitiful attempt to graph sales projections.
"That is one of your horse doodles, sir."
"Great eyes, Moxxie, you're obviously very sharp today, yes it IS a horse. Our new mascot! Death Granola the sinner's friend, ready to crush your earthly enemies beneath his hooves! 20% off if you bring me, I mean us, anything with a horse on it. Genius, huh?"
"He's super cute," said Millie loyally.
"I - who do you think would possibly - ugh!" Watching Moxxie's face was always entertaining, that imp couldn't hide an emotion if his life depended on it. You could actually see the moment when he remembered the spring break sale flyer. "Whatever, sir. I'm going to get some coffee."
"Two sugars no cream for me!", Blitzo called after him. He flopped into the one chair with armrests (his) and parked his feet up on the conference table like, heh, a boss. "How's my Millie-Billie today?"
She put down the grindstone but kept her favorite axe in the other hand, squeezing the handle as she hesitated. "I'm good, hon, but... we should maybe talk about last night."
Shit. Why hadn't he just gone into his office and shut the door? Because he hadn't wanted to be alone, that's why. "What, me? I'm fine, obviously, why wouldn't I be fine. Did you two have fun? That was quite a show Mox put on for you. Didn't think he had the balls, but he was really wowing the audience out there and he didn't let Horndog Lord and his jackoff jester stop him." That was more than he'd ever say to Moxxie's face, but it was true. "You were both, uh, impressive."
He trailed off, looking out the window for a moment instead of meeting her eyes. Millie wasn't the sharpest throwing knife in the circus act but she wasn't dumb either, and she'd never told him to quit stalking them. She knew.
"Was it true?" Moxxie's voice came from the doorway. He had a coffee cup in each hand and his tail wrapped around a third. "What Verosika said?"
Loona materialized behind him a second later. "Verosika? What happened last night?"
Millie said with merciful tact, "We were all at Ozzie's last night, and the performers...well, they got kinda mean."
"You followed them on their anniversary date," Loona said disgustedly. "I knew it. God damn idiot. What'd she say?"
Blitzo couldn't help it. He pulled his feet back down and hunched into himself like a wuss while Moxxie explained with a total lack of either mercy or tact, "She told everyone in the club he was a selfish jerk in bed. Musically. With backup singers."
He could still hear it, too. Fucking bitch, why'd she have to have actual musical talent? It'd probably become a hit single.
"So." Moxxie paused for a dramatic beat. "Was it true, sir?"
"NO, goddamnit!" He glared at them all.
What, was he supposed to give them details? Tell them how he'd practically sprained his tongue a few times? Explain in small words just how hard it was to satisfy a succubus? If one of them liked you enough to try monogamy, you had to make up for all the fucks they could've been getting elsewhere. Blitzo had been drunk with lust and reveling in it for a while, he had the stamina and the willpower, but those only took a demon so far. Verosika hadn't cared about lack of sleep or lost jobs or unpaid bills. "I can't tonight" was the whine of a loser, she'd say.
In the end he'd fled that hotel room with her wallet out of sheer exhausted desperation. (The horseback riding lessons had been just for fun, though.)
He opened his mouth to explain and then shut it again, feeling a hot rush of angry shame. Some things were too personal.
"It's not fun to have people pry into your private sex life, is it, sir?" The righteous smugness in Moxxie's voice petered out a bit by the end of the sentence. Everyone was just standing there staring at him.
"A-anyway," Millie put in hastily, "how'd things go with the Prince? You two were there on an actual date!"
That did it. Blitzo got up and headed for the door. Moxxie and Loona hastily backed out of his way; he grabbed one of the coffee cups out of the imp's unresisting fingers as he passed by. "Someone feed the eels!" he snapped, because he needed an exit line, and stomped into his office.
Even with the door shut he could still hear them.
"What got up his butt?"
"Not the Prince, anyway. He was passed out on the sofa when I got home. I think he'd actually been crying."
"Holy shit. Maybe I shouldn't have..."
"Mox, you didn't do anything wrong. I wonder if the Prince is okay, though. Lord Asmodeus..."
The notification jingle on his dying phone thankfully drowned out the rest. Blitzo plugged it in, opened the window and leaned out on the sill, appreciating the honks and screams of Imp City traffic more than usual.
His phone said One week to full moon - get more bear traps?
Okay. Okay.
Stolas was not, thank Satan, like Verosika. He hadn't been mad last night. Not about the crappy fake date or Asmodeus humiliating him or being turned down. He wouldn't take the book away. Blitzo just had to get his head back in the game and act normal, and everything would be fine.
Before he could second-guess himself, he texted: Sry abt last nite. Off my game, didn't mean 2 show you a bad time. Next week I'll make it up to you. He added a few eggplant emojis for good measure. Wasn't sure what they meant, but it was definitely something perverted.
That should do it. He shoved down a nagging sense of dread and posted a selfie to Sinstagram. Me and my coffee, ready to fuck shit up. Want me to do it on your behalf? Call 1-666-IMPZ, our team is there for you!
Now all they needed was a client. Executive decision, he'd done plenty of hustling this morning and it was time to give his employees the spotlight for a while. There were horse figurines in his desk drawer that needed to be played with.
He hit the intercom button and yelled cheerfully, "Loona, Moxxie, Millie, get out there and bring us a client! Also, someone take a note, next trip to the living world we're getting a sofa!"
Life was good.