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"You jump, I jump, right?"
Tears filled his brown eyes as he lay there with his head on Riley Tyler's chest, listening to the other man sigh inwardly at the scene on the television playing in the motel they were staying at, one of the only decent things that were playing that night. It was one of the few times that they could get some downtime and hide out from anyone else in their squadron from the Air Force as they couldn't tell anyone about the love affair they'd been having all this time. Just because they were in the military didn't mean that Sam was willing to give up the long-standing relationship he'd been in since high school upon meeting Riley, first becoming friends and then moving into being something more.
"I can't believe she jumped back on the ship, I get Leo is hot but damn, you're gonna die if you stay on there, Rose," came Riley's mellow baritone, though his words made him frown a bit, pulling back to sit up and look down at him on their shared bed for a moment.
Riley looked up at him curiously as Titanic played on in the background, their eyes meeting for a moment before the male sighed and picked up the remote to pause the film, awaiting whatever it was that he expected Sam to say because of what he had stated moments earlier. "Seriously Sam, what is it, what's wrong?" Riley said, sounding a bit exasperated though that was nothing new, he had always been this way even when they were teenagers so it wasn't like he expected his boyfriend to change, they had been through a lot since meeting at the age of fourteen, after all. "Just, the way you said that sounds like you'd be mad if I did something like that to get back to you is all, because I'm not gonna lie I'd have done exactly what Rose did and jumped back on that ship to be with you, Riley, every single time. Maybe it's that mission we're gonna be running soon in Afghanistan or all the missions we've been running, watching your cocky ass getting too low or too close and worrying about whether you're gonna get back in the air," he said softly after a moment or two. Sam didn't usually air his fears or his emotions like this, it was never what he was good at, whether it was something simple like asking for help with something small or something huge like the time Riley came back to the barracks after a date with a female officer and he had seen the hickeys left on his lover. Their relationship had been rocky since then, their already limited time together had been even further limited after that because Sam had started to avoid the other man whenever they were not on mission or drill runs in their EXO-7s.
“You sound ridiculous right now,” Riley said with a groan.
Hearing those words brought back a rush of anger and disappointment in Sam, he had been told that so many times, not just by Riley but by his own father who had shown how much he didn’t agree with Sam’s being bisexual, calling his chosen lifestyle sinful and unwelcome in his home. “Wow, so no matter how much I love you and would give up everything to give you the world, I sound ridiculous, so if that’s the case what are we even doing anymore Riley because it seems like there’s nothing left to discuss here,” he said, barely maintaining his anger.
Riley remained silent for too long which told Sam everything that he needed to know, sliding off the bed to grab his pants and shirt to pull them on, there was no way he was going to stay in this dingy motel room with someone that found his feelings ridiculous. “Sam, for fucks sake it’s nearly one in the morning, where the fuck are you gonna go if you leave right now, back to the barracks at the camp, wander the streets hoping not to get gunned down, what? Fuck, you’ve been like this since I told you that Leann accidentally kissed on my neck while I was walking her back to the barracks that night she and I met at the bar and she was too drunk to walk back on her own. You always gotta think the worst of me and I’ll tell you right now that I’m getting sick of it, all that self-righteous fury that fuels you is your worst trait,” he said angrily, leaving Sam feeling like he had been slapped across the face. Riley was right about the time being what it was, he was likely to be taken in for questioning by city authorities if he was caught wandering the streets despite his military status, and going back to their barracks would arouse suspicion as to why he was back without his wingman. Sitting on the other bed in the room, he lowered his head so that he could hide his tear-filled eyes and try to breathe, try to think of what he was going to do, though he already know the answer thanks to don’t ask, don’t tell.
“Leann left hickeys on your neck and chest, so unless you had your shirt open which you weren’t wearing a button-up that night, there’s no way it was an accident but whatever man, you win, I’m staying and sleeping in this bed, we can go back to camp in the morning,” he said finally.
Rolling his eyes, Riley got up from the bed he had been sharing with Sam and headed towards the bathroom, the movie still frozen on the television where they had left off, Jack and Rose stuck on the screen looking to get away from Cal Hockley and his jealous rage. “Is it asking too much for you to just let the Leann thing go, it ain’t like I cheated on you, I wasn’t with another man or anything like that, Sam. I get that you want more and to tell the world about whatever it is that we have going on here but you know that they ain’t gonna accept us and that we will be kicked out of the Air Force if we go that route, right? Fuck man, can’t we just have this goddamn moment and then go back out there tomorrow and pretend that we’re just friends that have each other’s backs like we did when we first met?” Riley said before closing the bathroom door. Sam was suddenly glad that the door was closed because that was when the tears started to slip down his cheeks, angry at himself for letting Riley talk to him like that and angry at himself for wanting more. Maybe he was asking too much, he knew that the Tyler family had disowned his boyfriend for being bisexual, which was better than having a father that ignored your existence like in Sam’s case but at least he still had his mother and sister to support him.
Falling onto his back, he didn’t bother to disrobe again, he curled up onto his side to give his back to the other bed and cried himself to sleep, not for the first time after a fight with Riley, and he was sure it wouldn’t be the last.
The next morning came too quickly, Sam rolling out of bed to head into the bathroom for a much-needed shower to loosen up his tight muscles from the way he had fallen asleep and once more avoiding Riley as much as possible after their disagreement, feeling he was overreacting. The hot water, while not lasting long, was a reminder that he was going to get through this, even when he heard the bathroom door open without knocking and knew that Riley was watching him through the frosted glass door of the shower. “I think we need to take a break and re-evaluate where this…where we both are in whatever this is, we got together too young and don’t know what we want, maybe it’s best we go back to being friends and explore this properly now that we’re adults,” he said finally.
Sam, under the cooling water, stood frozen at those words.
“If that’s what you think is best, Riley,” he finally said once he got his voice back, inwardly glad that his voice didn’t waver as he responded to his now apparently ex-boyfriend but still friend, yeah that wasn’t going to be awkward at all. He turned off the water and inched the door open to grab his towel to wrap around his waist, like Hell was he going to let the other man see him both nude and vulnerable, not after last night and now this. “I’m just gonna get dried off and dressed to head back, I’ll see you whenever you want to get back,” he said coolly as if none of this was affecting him as strongly as it was, his heart shattering as he heard the voice of his father telling him that his sinful relationship would never last. Watching Riley nod before he left the bathroom, he was able to keep the tears from falling until the door was closed behind the other man, leaving Sam alone once more to dry off and get dressed as he said. The tears fell as he slipped into his fatigues and shirt, wiping them away and giving himself a moment or two to get his face schooled into what he hoped was a neutral expression before exiting the bathroom to find himself alone. Riley had gathered his belongings and left without him, which Sam figured was fine as he sat to pull on his boots and tie them, grabbing the rest of his things before leaving the motel to head back to the barracks that he normally stayed at.
He was glad that it wasn’t unusual for him to sometimes come back or wander about without Riley, the two were not joined at the hip and the longer that they stayed in the military the more apparent it became that this relationship was not going to withstand everything that had happened during it thus far.
The days passed and there was little contact between Sam and Riley when they were not running drills for their mission to apprehend Khalid Khandil, they couldn’t send in helicopters because of the man’s access to RPGs, meaning the pararescue team would be sent into the area instead because they were more stealthy. “We should talk about everything before we head to Bakhmala in the morning for the mission,” Riley said after their last drill run of the day while they were putting up their gear and getting ready to try and get some sleep to be as well-rested as possible.
Sam shook his head, he really didn’t want to be having that conversation when they had so much to think about for the mission, he had been compartmentalizing everything since that night at the motel and it was for the better really that he avoid the topic. But he knew Riley wasn’t going to let it go until they talked about it, that was just the way that the other man was so he knew it was best to just get it over with sooner rather than later. “There really isn’t much to talk about, Riley, you made it clear that you didn’t care for what I said and we didn’t really have much to say after that either so what else is there to say? You said you wanted a break, that’s what we’re on if you’ve come to a conclusion or a decision about it then just…just say it and let's get on with it,” he finally said, steeling himself for the worst. Riley’s face was empty, guarded as he listened to Sam with his arms crossed over his chest which made Sam feel a little better since they had gotten physical a time or two in their youth and he didn’t want to repeat that. “I think it’s best if we part ways romantically and just go back to being friends, I mean we never put a name or titles to this thing between us, we were really just friends with benefits,” he said with a shrug, Sam having to school his features like he had that day in the motel.
“You mean you never had a name for it or a title for us, I always told my mom and sister you were my boyfriend, even told my dad despite him saying that I’d go to Hell for my sinful lifestyle with you because to me you were worth that, but I know where I stand now, friends and partners it is,” he said finally, closing up his stuff.
He needed to walk away before it was too late.
“This mission is my chance to make everyone back home proud of me, Sam, and for you to do the same, to wash the slate clean from what they all said and thought about us,” said Riley, watching as Sam froze and turned to face him once more, eyes both sad and angry at the same time. It was clear to him now, that Riley’s parents had reached out after he explained the mission they would be going on, and had probably said if he made them proud they’d forgive that he was bisexual, that he had been with Sam. After all, everyone knew that the Tylers were rather racist and didn’t think too highly of Sam or the Wilson family, it had been surprising to everyone that Riley had gotten into a relationship with Sam to begin with.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, forcing it out slowly to try and center himself, to try and make sure he didn’t lash out in anger or say something that he might end up regretting later on when he had time to analyze the situation properly.
“So it’s like that, you just want to say fuck all that we had and shared for over ten years as friends, as lovers, and run back to Delacroix after this is all over to gain your parents' approval once again, got it, alright, but I am never going to get that from my dad, Riley. When I told him that I was bisexual he flat out told me that I am never allowed to bring it up, never allowed to just be myself, he won’t even talk to me like he used to because I came out of the closet, which really isn’t your fault or problem, but it was for you I came out. Now you’re telling me to go back in and pretend everything is fine once this mission is over because of the chance that our families accepting what we are so long as we pretend we aren’t the way we are. I’m fine with being friends and partners, Riley, you’ve been my best friend since we were fourteen but I can’t just pretend that this never happened, that I didn’t love you with all that I am, so I’m going to need time to adjust to that,” he finally said. He watched the other man walk towards him, closing his eyes as the other put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently, causing him to open them and look into the face of the man he had been so in love with. “Time I can give, after the mission, for now, we gotta put that all aside and apprehend Khandil, then we got some downtime to go home and get our lives back in order,” he said with a grin as though nothing Sam had said affected him.
“Come on, we better get some rest, we gotta be up at 0300 to get ready for the drop into the airspace we’re gonna infiltrate, we got this in the bag,” he said brightly, patting Sam’s bicep and walking past him to head towards the barracks to sleep, sighing softly as he turned to follow him. His heart felt heavy, shattered even as they walked into the barracks and he went straight to his bunk to lay down and wait for sleep that didn’t come for at least an hour while his ex-boyfriend snored away as though the world had just kept on turning without care.
And 0300 came far too soon.
Typically a mission for them consisted of being dropped into enemy airspace, landing on enemy soil, and apprehending the person they needed to allow the rest of the squadron to come in and take care of everything else, with Riley always doing a bit of showboating in the air before anything else. And this started off much the same, being told the plan again about apprehending Khalid Khandil, going over the terrain of the camp there in Bakhmala, and told that this particular camp had access to RPGs that they needed to be careful about. Standard dangerous mission but it was why Sam had trained the way that he had, he knew that he could do this no matter how brokenhearted he felt about what had happened between himself and Riley. Sitting alone in the back getting ready for the drop, he looked down when Riley slid a hand into his own, turning his face to catch sight of the other man who offered him a sad smile. “What I said yesterday, I’d like to take it back, you’ve always been my best friend and my boyfriend, I don’t want to lose that, don’t want to lose all that we shared after this let’s grab dinner and do a take two on that,” he said with a soft blush. Sam could hardly respond as he blinked back tears and gave a nod, watching the other man raise his gloved hand to his lips and kiss it softly, all the affection they were allowed before they were interrupted and told to get ready for the jump.
The communication line they shared was active as Riley jumped first and Sam quickly followed, the ECO-7 Falcons they wore allowing them to glide through the dark without care, giving him the thrill of flying like the bird the gear was named for, though he had to concentrate on the mission at hand.
A loud explosion rocked him and made him drift slightly off course while he snapped his head to look for Riley, the cocky paratrooper moving between enemy fire that was aimed at him while Sam tried to redirect to get to him and try to get them both down safely. “Sam, don’t, stay back so you don’t get hurt,” came Riley’s voice over the line as he maneuvered between two different kinds of fire but was not fast enough to avoid the RPG that hit him, knocking him down from the sky. “Riley! Oh god, no, no, no,” he shouted into the line, moving through the sky and keeping out of sight, powerless to help the man that he had known and loved for so long as he crashed into the sand, troops heading towards where he fell immediately.
His landing was a blur after that.
The rest of the mission happened as if Sam was on autopilot, disabling several men by hand or with the use of the EXO-7 that he wore on his back before he broke into the shack that Khalid Khandil was hiding out in, gun trained right between his eyes as he heard his squadron moving into the area to apprehend the man’s people. “You are under arrest by order the to United States Air Force, you will come quietly or I will force you to do so,” he said coldly, seeing Riley falling from the sky over and over again as he arrested the man to take into custody, though he felt nothing as he did so. There was an emptiness that had filled Sam’s heart and made it weigh as heavy as if it were made of lead, and he couldn’t feel anything but sorrow and despair as he exited the shack to go and find his wingman, hearing the murmurs from the rest of the squadron as he did so. He was pretty sure someone told him he didn’t want to see Riley like this but they were wrong, he couldn’t leave without his tags, without saying goodbye, without seeing with his own two eyes that Riley Tyler was dead and gone from this world. The emptiness didn’t dissipate when he looked down at his lover’s dead body, a single tear sliding down Sam’s cheek as he knelt to collect his tags and murmured softly that he would never forget him, what they were to one another. The only thing that brought him any comfort was knowing that the other man was free to fly forever without anyone or anything to bring him down from that high again, especially not his racist, bigoted parents.
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“Earth to Sam!”
He looked up at Bucky when he heard his name, and must have had a look of confusion on his face as the man held up two movies in his hands, one being Shutter Island and the other being Titanic, and sighed softly before coming to sit in front of him. “I know that look, that is a look of someone that went back in their memories and got trapped because something triggered them, you need to talk about it, we don’t have to watch the movies,” he said, giving him a gentle smile. It was a smile few people got to see and Sam would always be honored that he was one of the ones that got to see it, shaking his head as he managed to smile back at him, knowing Steve would be there soon.
“Nah man, I’m good, just a very old memory that reminded me that I never finished watching Titanic the last time that I watched it, you and Steve never got to see it so let’s watch that first,” he said, settling back and waiting for their friend and the movie to start.
It was time to make a new memory.