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Andrew was pretty sure kissing Neil Josten was the best thing in the world. The soft push and slide of their mouths. The fast and heady press of their lips. The quick and the long minutes stolen in empty classrooms or appreciated in locked bedrooms. All of it was good. Andrew had had a lot of time to memorize the feel of it. Work out every way to get Neil to sigh just so . It was perfect. As much as a thing could be.
Which is why he felt so content right now. Hands intertwined in Neils where they were pinned on his pillow. Neil was soft and pliant below him, straining his neck just the slightest bit to press up against Andrews with just the littlest bit of extra added pressure. Andrew reveled in it, the comfort he found in being able to squeeze Neils's fingers and feel him squeeze back, yes.
He felt warm, to the core of his being, he was set on fire, heat pooling in his tummy and making him wonder how much longer he could last before needing to pull away. If Neil's increasingly frequent whines were anything to go by the answer would be: not very long. Andrew enjoyed the sensation for just another second before pulling back.
He sat rested on Neil’s thighs, dropping his hands to play with the hem of Neil’s t-shirt, his t-shirt. Neil took a deep breath before peeking his eyes open. He was flushed, his hair a mess, and his clothes generally more rumpled than when they’d started but Andrew couldn’t find it in himself to complain. He was a sight.
They’d come home from school together after Exy practice. Andrew nearly rolled his eyes at the thought, he still couldn’t believe that Neil had convinced him to join the team but a frequent view of a sweaty and panting Neil Josten he figured was worth it.
It was Friday night and Neil’s foster parents were out of town for the weekend for a work event. Nicky had happily agreed to let Neil stay with them and his guardianship over Andrew and Aaron allowed Neil’s social worker to okay the visit.
It wasn’t the first time they'd had a sleepover, but it was the first one they would be having since the kissing had started. Andrew had a lot of feelings about it. But the strongest one was safety. After all, this was Neil he was talking about. This was the first person he’d ever found in life that seemed to want to stick around. And, the first one that actually did. So, if Andrew felt anxious, and angry, and tired, and overwhelmed about everything, at the end of the day he still felt safe and that was enough to be okay with it.
It was enough to pack Aaron and Neil into his car and drive them home despite their obnoxious bickering. And it was enough to let Neil use his shower to wash up even though he was a notorious shampoo thief. And it was enough to give him a change of clothes when he sheepishly admitted that he had forgotten to bring one of his own. And it was enough to push him down into his mattress and kiss the stupid smile off his face when he noticed how Andrew looked at him wrapped up in his t-shirt and joggers. And it was enough to now be basically straddling him as Neil looked up at him with a goofy smile despite his kiss-bitten lips and still flushed cheeks.
“Hey,” Neil said through his grin. Andrew glared at him.
Neil, his hands now free, pushed himself up onto his elbows, bringing his entire body slightly closer to Andrew’s. The movement altered the angle of their bodies just enough that their hips slotted together more seamlessly. Andrew nearly shuttered at the feeling of Neil below him.
He wasn’t stupid, he knew Neil sometimes got intrigued during their kisses but they’d never strayed farther than a heated kiss. Andrew didn't know if he wanted that to change. If he even could let it change. But being tangibly aware of it right now was overwhelming, even if it was through at least four separate layers.
Neil didn’t falter as he scrambled up, taking a step away from the bed and turning his back to it. Neil knew enough about Andrew, about his own trials and tribulations to simply lay back down and close his eyes, breathing smoothly through his nose to calm his body down. This had happened before. And Andrew knew it would happen again.
After a second of letting his adrenaline splutter out he looked down and surveyed the damage to his own body. His clothes were rumpled just as Neil’s were and he could see the tangible weight of his own desire where it had been pressed up against Neil just a minute ago.
Andrew swallowed around his discomfort. His bedroom door was locked. He shared a wall with Aaron but he could hear the faint sound of rock music drifting through it so he knew Aaron wouldn’t be able to hear anything. The only person who would be able to witness what was happening was Neil. And he was safe with Neil.
He was safe.
Andrew took a steadying breath before turning back around. He didn't step closer but simply observed Neil. He was still laying spread across Andrew's bed, his dark comforter bunched and messed up beneath him. His auburn hair was splayed around him, still wild from their entanglement, and the number of times Andrew had run his fingers through it. And he was breathing deeply, eyes closed, chest rising and falling rhythmically, at ease. And as Andrew dragged his eyes further down his body he was still feeling the heat of the moment, the borrowed light gray of his joggers leaving little to the imagination.
Andrew nearly scoffed. He didn't know how Neil could lay there, legs carelessly thrown apart so confidently, as if this was not something to be ashamed of. Something to be scared of. Something to hide.
But this was Neil! who was broken in a hundred different ways but who had never been shattered in the same ways that Andrew had. Who had somehow been the calm presence in their exploration. Who had never really swung before but was enthusiastic to find out how to now. Who trusted Andrew to see, and who understood the sometimes clinical ways with which they both approached touch.
Andrew sighed. He ran a hand down his face, physically rubbing away the frown there, and observed Neil again.
Yes, he was visibly excited, but so was Andrew to be fair. Yes, he was touch rumpled and still a little bit flushed. And yes, if they left the room Nicky would be able to guess what had been going on in under ten seconds. Staring at them with a mixture of oh my god my babies! and also a bittersweet flush of pride, a joy for the lives he could give them that was so vastly different than his own. But Neil was comfortable, and he was allowing Andrew to look. And he had even closed his eyes without being asked because he knew that Andrew couldn’t always provide the same.
That was the difference he figured. Sure, swirls of shame, and fear, and emptiness were coursing through him, but Neil wasn’t looking. He wasn’t taking and taking and taking until Andrew had nothing left. He wasn’t painful hands, and angry whispers. He was Neil and he was here and he was safe .
Andrew took a deep breath. Clenching his fists with all his might for just a second before letting them go and relaxing his entire body.
“Neil.”
“Hm?”
“You can open your eyes.”
Neil did so, cracking them open slowly just a little bit, reading Andrew's posture before fully opening them and turning his head to face him.
“Okay?” he asked. Andrew wanted to roll his eyes. Neil was always asking questions. Always double-checking. But that was part of what made this so safe. He took Andrew's answers at face value but he always made sure to get them first. To establish the lines.
“Yes, Neil.” Neil nodded with the confirmation before letting his eyes roam over Andrew's body. He didn’t let his eyes stick to any particular place, flitting between his shoulders, to his hair, to his socked feet, to his chest, to yes, between his legs, but he didn't pause there. He didn’t recoil in disgust. He didn’t pounce on him or take it as an invitation. He simply looked, and then he looked away, his eyes flicking up and locking onto his own once he was satisfied with his perusal.
“Do you want to play Mario Kart?”
This time Andrew did roll his eyes. But he also appreciated the ease with which Neil moved on, and switched gears. On some level, Andrew figured he knew that Andrew's skin felt like it was shrinking, begging him to dig himself out of his body with the awareness he currently felt flaying him open.
He had allowed another piece of himself to fall into Neil's grasp and Neil had taken it, wrapped it carefully in bubble wrap and tucked it away where it would be safe in his mind. It was terrifying, but Andrew was okay. Because they would sit on the floor, backs pressed to Andrew's bed frame and they would argue over whose turn it was to have Yoshi this time. And Neil would give in inevitably, choosing Princess Peach instead. And Andrew would beat him on every track except Moo Moo Meadows which Neil had a strange psychic connection with. And Nicky would come to knock on the door eventually. And dinner would be served. And dessert would be sequestered away, a pint of slightly melty rocky road held in his hands as he sat on the floor criss-cross applesauce across from Neil on the rug of his bedroom floor.
The clock now read 10:52 PM. Neil was engrossed in a crossword puzzle from a children's puzzle book while Andrew munched down on his not quite midnight snack. Andrew wondered how he ended up here again. Biting down on ice cream to avoid blurting out embarrassing sentiments to Neil. This time his brain wanted to shout out “I know I haven't touched you yet but I dream about it sometimes” or “I didn't move earlier because I wanted to but actually because I was freaked out by how much I didn't want to” or “the way your lips are bitten into that pencil right now makes me wonder how they would look stretched around other things in this room.”
Andrew swallowed. His ice cream was sinking down his throat a little less smoothly than he wanted it to. Neil noticed, his eyes flicking up, giving Andrew a small smile as his cheeks flushed just the slightest bit. He knew Neil had no way of knowing what he was thinking but still, the idea of being caught in the act pulled heat to his face.
Neil took one more moment to scribble something down quickly in his puzzle before shoving the pencil in between the pages and setting it aside, his place effectively bookmarked.
Neil shuffled forward slightly, not breaking into Andrew's personal space but settling himself just outside of it, close enough to touch.
Andrew shoved another spoonful of ice cream into his mouth before storing the spoon in the practically empty container and setting it aside as well.
They both did nothing for a moment, just looking, a poor man's staring contest occurring as they both got their share of eye contact. It was Andrew that broke the taut silence, whispering a quiet “ yes or no '' into the small space between them. Neil whispered back an equally soft “ yes ” before leaning in and capturing Andrew's mouth with his own.
It was soft, and slow, their mouths moving against one another unhurried. Neil was now leaning forward, bracing himself on one arm. Andrew reached one hand up and sunk into his curls. Neil hummed at the sensation and Andrew could feel a smile break out against his lips. He rolled his eyes internally at it. Neil was so easy to please. They sunk into each other, breathing in tandem as their chests fell in sync with each other.
After a few minutes, Neil pulled away just long enough to huff out “ where ?” Andrew thought for a second. Where could he handle right now?
“Anywhere over clothes,” he responded, before sinking back into the kiss. If Neil was surprised with the leniency of his decree he didn't show it. He simply scooted slightly closer so that he had both his hands free. They both rose up to ghost over his sides, sinking into his waist and floating down his hips, and sliding across his thighs.
Andrew left one hand in Neil's hair, tugging lightly occasionally, and used the other to settle on the top of Neil's thigh, thumb pressed into the junction of his leg and hip. He slid his thumb back and forth, smoothing over the soft material of his sweatpants. Neil shivered with it, his breath catching at the sensation. He raised his arms up, settling his forearms on Andrew's shoulders and pulling him slightly closer to him.
His kisses became slightly more fervent, pushing forward a bit more and breathing a little heavier. Andrew drank it in, pushing back as good as he got, using his hands to his advantage as Neil flustered.
After a minute Neil pulled back, closing his eyes with a deep breath. When he opened his eyes he met Andrews with a sheepish smile. Andrew flicked his eyes down for just a second and was met with Neil's clear arousal once again. And Andrew knew if he looked down at himself the same would be true. But this time he didn't feel such an intense wave of yikes rocket through him. He felt a little apprehensive and a lot vulnerable but alarm bells were not ringing. Shouts of STOP were not echoing through his mind. All things considered, he felt okay. Felt safe .
So he flicked his eyes back up and locked onto Neil. He raised his eyebrows, a question held in them. Neil watched him, a slight frown tugging at his mouth. This was undiscovered territory.
“You don’t want to stop?” Neil's eyebrows knit together slightly as he asked.
“Do you want to stop Neil?” Neil shook his head. After a second he added a verbal statement.
“I do not want to stop. But what do you want?” he asked once again. Andrew thought about it. He didn't want to stop, that was well established. But what did he want? Did he want to just keep going, unresolved tension pooling into the well between them? Did he want to move his hand just a few centimeters to the side and feel heat and warmth and Neil? Did he want Neil to do the same? He shook his head.
“I don’t know.”
Neil pulled back slightly. Not removing himself from Andrew's space fully but enough to be able to really look at his face. There was still a slight frown pulling at his features.
“Have you thought about sex before?” Andrew huffed. Fucking of course he had. He had no choice but to be deeply fucking aware of human intimacy and all the ways it could be warped and broken and forced. Neil blinked before speaking again. “That's not what I meant. I meant have you thought sex with-” he swallowed “sex with me before?”
Andrew closed his eyes. That one was also a strong yes. He’d dissected the idea from a million different angles. Woken up to it with clammy sheets and shaking hands. Breathed in the notion before pulling away and breaking another kiss. The swell of danger that rose in him every time it even became slightly close to being a possibility had stopped him so far. But right now, he didn’t feel that wave, he just felt hot and needy and like he wanted to not have to talk about everything before he did it.
“Yes, Neil.”
“Okay. Uh, do you want to do that?” he took an audible deep breath “ have sex with me that is?”
Andrew sighed and opened his eyes. Neil was still watching him. He had an unusual shade of vulnerability poured across his face. It was that made Andrew soften just a little. Andrew knew Neil was very much out of his depth right now but he was trying and he was asking so Andrew took a deep breath and answered as truthfully as he could.
“Yes,” he said, paused. “Eventually.”
Neil nodded his head like that made sense. Like he expected it.
“I can do eventually. Do you want to do anything tonight?” he asked, his characteristic Neil-ness settling Andrew even more. He asked with a tone like he really couldn’t be bothered with what the answer was. Like he was happy to engage in whatever Andrew wanted. Like he was just happy to be along for the ride. They both knew more conversations were in their future but for right now they were comfortable sitting on the floor illuminated by the moonlight and safe behind a locked door in a house that hadn't hurt them. So Andrew said “ yes.”
And he pressed forward again after Neil nodded and captured his mouth again. And he whispered “ I want to try something. Yes or no Neil?” And with a confidence bathed in safety, he shifted, his hand finally finding its way to ghost over Neil.
Andrew reveled in the feeling. He felt Neil’s breath catch against his mouth and spurred on by it, pressed down, adding friction that Neil's breath caught on once again. They were still separated by a few layers but Andrew was surprised by how right this felt. He still was free from the sinking weight of no so he kept going. With another quick confirmation, he allowed his hand to disappear beneath the soft waistband of Neil's borrowed joggers.
Neil let out a soft whine as Andrew came in contact with his body through the single thin layer of his black briefs. Andrew ran his finger up and down the strained material, pausing at the head, running a finger over the dampness making itself known beneath his grasp. Neil sighed once again, his kisses less pointed as he fell into the sensation of Andrew's hand.
Andrew's movements grew more sure, his hand fully encircling the warm heat of Neil and sliding slowly up and down. After a few minutes, Neil's breathing grew heavier, his hips shifting up slightly to meet Andrew's movements.
“ Andrew,” he panted out between soft whines. He opened his eyes, locking onto Andrew. “Touch me ‘drew. It’s okay .” Andrew paused for just a second. There was still a thin layer of fabric holding them apart, but Neil was being so good. He was enjoying himself and Andrew was the person making it happen. He took internal stock of himself, would he be okay to take one more leap of faith? Yes, he thought, he would.
Without much further consideration he slipped his hand inside one more layer. Neil felt remarkably similar in the flesh. He was warm, and wanting, and safe. Andrew resumed the slide of his hand up and down, taking the occasional twist of his wrist or the drag of his thumb to keep Neil sighing into his mouth.
After a few minutes, Neil's breath caught again, sighing into Andrew's mouth one second and then stilling the next. Andrew felt the tense of his muscles as warmth spilled over his fist still enclosed in layers of Neil's clothes. Neil blushed, his eyes darting up to meet Andrews. Andrew watched, removing his hand and wiping it off on the leg of Neil's pants, they were technically his after all, he could ruin them if he wanted.
Andrew swallowed, took a deep breath, and swayed backward. He still felt wound tight with the weight of his hormones but he didn't move, just sitting in Neil's presence as he collected himself. He had no interest in allowing Neil to return the favor, at least not right now, but he also didn’t feel the need to escape.
“You okay?” he heard Neil whisper. Andrew looked at him again. He looked gorgeous, his cheeks still blush dusted and his hair and clothes a mess from their activity. But he also looked nervous. Andrew didn't like that.
“Yeah,” Andrew paused, “you need to change,” he finished, looking pointedly at the damp smear on his leg. Neil let out a soft chuckle, the nervousness bleeding out of his shoulders.
“Can I borrow another set of clothes?”
Andrew rolled his eyes but disentangled their limbs, pulling himself over to the dresser where he retrieved a second set of borrowed pjs for Neil to don. Neil accepted them, excusing himself to the bathroom to clean up.
Andrew reflected, pulling himself back together again, they had done that and it had been okay. Had been good . And Andrew felt positive about it. His own simmering desire was petering off, leaving him tired and ready to fall into bed. He set about the room readying it for sleep. Chucking the throw pillows he reluctantly kept, a gift from Nicky, into the corner, and shut the curtain, closing out the rest of the world from his room and plugging his phone in to charge.
He was just scrolling through his notifications, deleting a barrage of texts from Kevin, when Neil slipped back into the room, locking the door behind him and throwing his dirtied clothes into the hamper in the corner. He set the phone down, turned it off for the night, and waited for Neil to walk over. Neil looked apprehensive again like he didn't know his place in Andrew's bed, didn't know his place in his arms.
Andrew rolled his eyes before settling himself into bed, pulling the blanket up and gesturing for Neil to join him. With a smile he did so, slotting against Andrew like it was the most natural thing in the world. And maybe it was, Andrew thought. Just like before, this night somehow changed everything and also nothing at all. Because Neil was still warm and sated and was breathing softly as he bundled into Andrew's sheets, and Andrew? He couldn’t imagine being anywhere else but here.