Chapter Text
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
TG: yo karkat
TG: kaaaaat
TG: karkles
TG: bro i can see you on your stupid buggy laptop over there
CG: HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU SEE ME STRIDER??
CG: IM IN MY RESPITEBLOCK AND ITS THE ONLY ONE WITHOUT VENTS
TG: haha i was just bluffing
TG: good to know you *were* ignoring me tho
TG: what could *possibly* be more important than ur bro here
TG: the answer is nothing
TG: we have bonded in holy matribrony
TG: wait that makes it sound like we like ponies
TG: scratch that ill workshop it
TG: so come on spill
TG: tell me whats got you up and ignoring your bro like this
TG: (you lost major bro points for that btw)
TG: (uncool dude)
CG: IF YOU *HAVE* TO KNOW I WAS MESSAGING KANAYA ABOUT!! STUFF!
CG: STUFF THAT *YOU* DON'T NEED TO KNOW AND IS INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT TO TROLLS THAT YOU WOULDN'T CARE ABOUT ANYWAY
CG: ROSE SAYS HI
TG: aw man what
TG: *i* can't know about your funky little troll talk but rose can??
TG: thats fucked up kat
CG: YEAH IM NOT THE ONE WHO INVITED HER
CG: ACTUALLY KANAYA DIDN'T EITHER. IM UNDER THE ASSUMPTION THAT ROSE STARTED PESTERING HER AROUND THE SAME TIME YOU STARTED PESTERING ME
TG: oh wicked tell kanaya i said hi
TG: and also rose
TG: but i was *just* talking to rose
TG: so maybe that would be weird
TG: wait
TG: she said hi to me first
TG: that sneaky little sausage trying to one up me in her psychology tactics
TG: ask her what it means when ur ectosis says hi first but you were just talking abt a sick party to surprise the trolls with like is it ironic or is it just majorly uncool of her to do that
CG: PARTY? WHAT PARTY?
TG: fuck
TG: nope
TG: karkat ignore that
TG: focus here
TG: flighty broads need to be asked questions
CG: JUDGING SOLEY ON THE FACT THAT YOU APPARENTLY HAD A SECRET YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP FROM ME AND THE FACT THAT KANAYA WOULD FIND IT ODD IF ROSE *DIDN'T* GREET YOU IN HER WEIRD PERSON TO PERSON WAY IM GUESSING SHE SAID HI TO YOU AS A WAY TO "ACT NATURAL"
CG: DON'T WORRY THOUGH I ABSOLUTELY SENT HER A SCREENSHOT OF THIS CONVERSATION SO SHE CAN GET THE FULL CONTEXT OF WHY IM ASKING HER SUCH A PAN ROTTING QUESTION
TG: fuck
TG: thats strike two for the bro code dude
TG: i may not have ever watched baseball once in my entire life
TG: but im pretty sure two more strikes and youre out
TG: you cant get a touchdown like this man
TG: the referee is going to rock ur shit
CG: WHAT?? HOW THE FUCK IS THAT A STRIKE
TG: you tattled to my sister on me dude
TG: now rose is going to put me in time out
TG: she's gunna smack my ass until its red and send me to bed with no dinner
TG: don't tell her that either fuck i really can't escape freud today huh
CG: YOU'D THINK I'D KNOW WHO THAT IS GIVEN THE FACT THAT WE'VE BEEN ON THIS FUCKING METEOR SO LONG BUT I STILL HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHO FREUD IS
CG: I REALLY DONT WANT TO KNOW EITHER ACTUALLY
CG: YOU AND LALONDE ALWAYS BRING THAT SHIT UP WHEN ONE OF YOU SAYS A COMPLETELY NORMAL SENTENCE AND I CANNOT *IMAGINE* THE LEVEL OF BULLSHIT YOU TWO ARE PULLING ON A DAILY BASIS
TG: me saying rose was gunna smack my ass and put me in time out was a normal sentence to you
CG: YES?? I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT HUMAN SIBLINGS DO. AND YOU TWO ARE WEIRD AS FUCK ANYWAY WHY IS THAT NOT SOMETHING YOU WOULD DO
TG: im going to need you to never be alone with rose for more than like 30 seconds at a time
TG: ok im coming to your room before you can send that giant block of grey text i can already sense ur typing
turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
You are DAVE STRIDER and you are currently walking to your best bro’s room to tell him about this super awesome idea you and Rose just had.
You don’t bother knocking when you get to Karkat’s room — he was expecting you anyway. You just burst in through the front door and head straight to where his bed is. Trolls are weird about their beds, but you don’t really understand why? Your nubby little troll bro is currently seated on the couch he has shoved into his room. You drape yourself across the bed and start talking.
“Okay so, first of all, fuck you for tattling to Rose about me. And second of all, are you fuckin hype for this party?”
“No. Not in the slightest. You haven’t told me anything about it. What fucking party?”
“No can do Kat, my lips are sealed tighter than that one guy who put super glue on his ass. You’ll have to take me to the hospital to get any shit outta me. Even if I wanted to defecate these sweet sweet secrets to you my mouth is shut so goddamn permanently that nothing is ever going to come out of it again. Super glue is serious business Karkat.”
You fight the urge to grin as you see Karkat’s entire face screw up with the visual you’d presented him. “Strider that's fucking disgusting,” He says, turning entirely on the couch to face you fully now. “Why in the fuck would anyone do that? That’s just asking for issues. Besides, your squawk box hasn’t stopped since you walked in the room, so I’m sure you’re fine.”
He’s got you there. “No but seriously this party is going to be so fuckin fun dude. We’re gunna do all of the like normal party things. Like games and food and stuff.”
“What kind of games?”
“Oh you know regular normal human party games.” Yeah you couldn’t really think of anything outside of spin the bottle, but you and Rose kind of shot that down anyway. Even if it was all in good fun you didn’t think making your friends kiss each other was a great way to boost morale. “We’re gunna have so much fun playing games and hanging out.”
“Hanging out? So basically we’re just going to do what we regularly do.”
“No way man this is a slumber party so there's going to be a shit ton of pillows and blankets and we’ll probably watch a movie or two.”
“...So what we regularly do.”
“No man not just us it’s going to be everyone. Everyone who wants to join anyway, but I can’t see the Scourge Sisters not showing up to the shenanigans.”
“Dave do you have any information at all that would help me understand what in the everloving fuck you’re talking about here? I have no idea what a slumber party is or what regular normal human party games are.”
Luckily, you’re saved from not being able to explain by the sound of your phone pinging with a message. Ah, your lovely ectosis is probably pestering you to berate you for spilling the party beans. Surprisingly, she doesn’t seem upset in the slightest. She probably knew you would blow the secret immediately. “Ah, hold that thought Kat.”
tentacleTherapist [TT] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG]
TT: Dave, would you mind setting up a memo to talk about the party? Since you’ve already talked to Karkat about it, I mean.
TT: I don't think the trolls have ever really had experience with sleepovers either - if you completely ignore the fact that we've all been sharing a space here for over a year now.
TT: I think it'll be fun to discuss this as a big group, and much less frustrating to do so through a memo
TG: sure thing
TG: what should i name this shit?
TG: "super mega awesome party planning"
TG: or something like "aw yiss were gunna party like the world is ending and it already has"
TT: "Party Planning for Dummies"
TG: oh shit do you think trolls had those books
TT: I hope so
TG: "the asshole brigade has some fun"
TT: I'm going to be a kind and benevolent sister and ignore how much that name sounds like the title to a poorly executed porno
TT: Perhaps we should come up with a theme?
TT: "Interspecies Partiers"
TG: "xeno shenanigans 2: the partying"
TT: Haha I like that one
TT: what was xeno shenanigans 1?
TG: that was you and kanaya kicking off our interspecies mingling with a bang
TG: or it was probably the goddamn scourge sisters blowing something up when we werent looking
TG: its a toss up really
TT: In any case, I think that's the best title so far
TG: cool shit I'll make the thing
turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]
You are interrupted from setting up the memo by Karkat throwing a pillow at you. “Strider will you fucking focus! You just shat all over me about ignoring your messages to talk with Kanaya and now you’re doing the same goddamn thing! At least I was ignoring your messages while you were in another room, you’re just sitting here ignoring me in person! Which of these scenarios is worse Dave? Hmmm??”
“Bro you have two whole strikes on your best bro card, you don’t get to make the calls on what is and isn’t a shitty scenario.” You quickly shoot back, tossing the pillow back at Karkat’s head. “You weren’t even saying anything! You can’t ignore someone who isn’t saying or doing anything!”
“Lies! Lies and slander!” Karkat shouts (is it really considered shouting when it’s just slightly louder than his regular tone?). “I’m giving you a strike for barging into my block just to sit on my concupiscent platform and text someone else.”
You fake a gasp, your hand clutched over your heart. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Strike. One.” He points at you dramatically, before turning up his nose and crossing his arms over his chest. “And now it’s my turn to do the ignoring.”
You take his ignoring you as a chance to open the memo. He’s going to be so excited to hear about this party. It won’t be a true Earth party without some random jocks to talk about all the bitches that may or may not be there, but hey, maybe you’re all the bitches.
turntechGodhead [TG] has opened a memo on board PARTY BITCHES AND KANAYA AND THE MAYOR.
TG: i put them separate bc everyone else on this meteor is a bitch except kanaya and the mayor
TG: but the mayor cant shirk his mayorly duties to respond to some dumb memo so hes not here
TG: even if this is a nondergogatory bitch id feel bad calling her that
TG: everyone else can be the bad party bitches tho
arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to memo
AG: why does miss fussy fangs get to 8e excluded from 8eing a 8itch
AG: and how is 8itch not derogatory? hmmmmmmm? ::::/
gallowsCalibrator [GC] has responded to memo
GC: 1 TH1NK D4V3 M34NS B1TCH L1K3 1N 4 COOL 1RON1C W4Y
GC: W3 4R3 4LL TH3 B1TCH3S >:] 1T 1S US
TG: hopy shit its the scourge sisters
TG: now we got a fuckin party going
TG: and by party i mean like 3/6 people are here
TG: the clown is not included in this i am not making that 3/7
tentacleTherapist [TT] has responded to memo
TT: Dave this was NOT the name we discussed but thank you for not looping Kanaya in with the bitches
TT: Okay party people, we'll just wait for Karkat and Kanaya to join before we start talking about our plans
TG: dw rose i got you
TG: this is gunna be the sickest party this side of the meteor
GC: WONT 1T B3 TH3 ONLY P4RTY TH1S S1D3 OF TH3 M3T3OR >:?
TT: We are the best by default
AG: 8eing the 8est is soooooooo easy when theres no one else around
AG: so lets include the dream 8u88les
TT: Okay, we're the best party in the furthest ring
GC: TH4TS MOR3 L1K3 1T!! >:]
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has responded to memo
CG: FINALLY I CAN LEARN ABOUT THIS STUPID PARTY DAVE KEPT GOING ON AND ON ABOUT
CG: HE HASN'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT SINCE HE ACCIDENTALLY MENTIONED IT AND ITS BEEN DRIVING ME UP THE GODDAMN WALL
AG: couldn't you just ignore his messages ::::?
CG: I WAS IGNORING HIM IN REAL LIFE
CG: HES IN MY BLOCK
TG: hi karkat
CG: HI DAVE
GC: Y4444444WN 1 D1D NOT OP3N TH1S M3MO TO W4TCH YOU GUYS FL1RT L1K3 WR1GGL3RS
TG: woah wait thats not what were doing here
TG: this is prime party talk
TG: can't a bro just greet his bro
GC: K4RK4T L1T3R4LLY JUST S41D YOU'R3 1N TH3 S4M3 ROOM
TG: and
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has responded to memo
GA: I Have Been Trying To Get Information Out Of Rose As Well Since Our Last Correspondence, Karkat, But I Seem To Have Been Similarly Unsuccessful
CG: SO DONT KEEP US IN FUCKING SUSPENSE HERE LALONDE
CG: WHATS THE PLAN HERE??
TG: woah woah woah why do you assume its roses plan
CG: BECAUSE YOU HAD NO INFORMATION WHATSOEVER TO SPILL
TG: how do you know i wasnt just that good at keeping the secret
CG: BECAUSE WITHIN MINUTES OF YOU TWO PLANNING THIS THING YOU TOLD ME ABOUT IT IN ONE OF YOUR RANTS. ALL I WOULD HAVE TO FUCKING DO TO GET INFORMATION FROM YOU WOULD BE TO SET YOU UP ON SOME PARTY RELATED RANT AND WATCH AS ALL OF THE SECRETS PRACTICALLY THREW THEMSELVES FROM YOUR THINKPAN IN AN ENTIRELY JUST FORM OF DEATH. NO GODTIER TO SAVE THEM.
CG: I WOULD REJOICE AS THE CHIPS FELL INTO MY LAP LIKE I WAS SOME KIND OF FUCKING KING. I WOULD BE FILTHY FUCKING RICH WITH INFORMATION CHIPS DAVE.
TG: ok valid
TT: Dave and I are planning to have a slumber party!
TT: It occurred to me this morning that we're all teenagers who (I assume) have all had the same lackluster childhood experience
TG: tbh we don't know what the fuck is considered a normal troll childhood but im assuming yall didnt come together in groups and play games
AG: what kind of games are you talking a8out? O8viusly we flarped
TG: ok i know what larping is but what the fuck does the f stand for in that
GC: F4T4L!
TG: god fucking damn it ok yeah thats not a child friendly game
TG: yall didnt play like hopscotch or hide and seek or some shit
CG: I MEAN FLARPING IS KIND OF LIKE HIDE AND SEEK SOMETIMES
GC: WH3N YOU LOS3, H3 M34NS
TG: man alternia was all kinds of fucked up
GA: Indeed
GA: If I May, What *Is* A Slumber Party?
TT: It's typically a bunch of teenagers going to one of their friends houses and staying overnight. You play games, have food, watch movies.
TT: I've always wanted to go to one, so Dave and I decided why not host one?
TG: in the chick flicks (karkat youre gunna love this one) they would always watch romcoms, talk about boys and do their makeup and stuff
CG: DID YOU ASSUME I WOULD LIKE THE ROMCOMS, THE BOYS, OR THE MAKEUP?
TG: yes
AG: moving on!!!!!!!!
AG: what kind of games are played? Terezi and I are REEEEEEEALLY good at flarping ::::)
TT: Sadly flarping is not on the menu for slumber parties
TT: I tried to brainstorm some games that I remember the girls at school talking about, though. Since Dave and I have never actually been to a slumber party I'm not sure how accurate we are
TT: But we're two out of four humans left alive, so we are technically half of the authority on these things now.
TG: yeah idk what john's social life looked like outside of us but i am nearly positive jade didn't have heaps of party bitches on that island of hers
TT: I’ve come up with a few games to play that I've seen in movies, and we had hoped that if the trolls had a slumber party equivalent you would have something to add.
GA: I Cannot Speak For The Others But I Have Personally Never Gone To Someone Elses Respite Block To Have Food And Play Games Like Youre Describing
GA: This Sounds Quite Enjoyable Though!
GA: Should We Bring Anything To This Gathering?
TT: Plenty of blankets and pillows wouldn't be amiss.
TG: me and karkles are already on our way to alchemize some of those sweet sweet blankies
CG: WERE GOING TO HAVE SO MANY GODDAMN SNUGGLEPLANES
TG: haha fuck i forgot you guys call them that
TG: what are pillows
GC: CUDDL3SPH3R3S >:]
TG: hell yeah
TT: Food and drinks are also customary. I can't say I've cooked much but I think I could manage some popcorn
GA: I Could Alchemize Us Some Drinks. Would Soda Be Alright?
TT: That would be perfect!
TG: ay yo no faygo tho
TG: fuck that juggalo juice
CG: HONESTLY IF WE ALCHEMIZED THAT SHIT GAMZEE WOULD ABSOLUTELY DESCEND FROM THE VENTS TO SNATCH IT ANYWAY. WE'D HAVE NO DRINKS AT ALL.
GA: I Was Not Going To Alchemize Faygo, Don't Worry.
GC: TH4T L34V3S VR1SK4 4ND 1 FOR D3COR4T1ON DUTY >:]
GC: M1NDF4NG, W1LL YOU 4CCOPM4NY M3 1N PROCUR1NG MY F1N3ST CH4LK FOR TH3 OCC4S1ON?
AG: Why, Redglare, it would 8e an honor >::::)
TT: Okay! That's all settled then. Shall we meet up in say an hour?
CG: BETTER MAKE IT AN HOUR AND A HALF. DAVE WASN'T KIDDING ABOUT HOW MANY SNUGGLEPLANES WE'RE MAKING. ITS GUNNA BE A FEW TRIPS.
TT: An hour and a half then. See you all soon!
TT: Dave if you would close the memo please?
TG banned GC from responding to memo.
TG banned CG from responding to memo.
TG banned AG from responding to memo.
TG banned TT from responding to memo.
TG banned AG from responding to memo.
TG: oh my fucking god i missed my chance to name this thing fruity rumpus asshole sleepover
turntechGodhead [TG] closed memo